Episode 11 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight on the show, an Oscar- nominated actor, a fine comedian

and the star of the medical sitcom, Scrubs. Now, microphone..questions

for guests, fine wine. Now, clear. Oh, you're so kind. Thank you very

much, everybody and welcome to the show. We've got a great line-up for

you tonight. Oscar-nominated thespsian, Kenneth Branagh is here.

That's posh. And star of Scrubs, Zack Braff is joining us, and

comedian Frank Skinner is here. And music from the brilliant Taio Cruz.

Yes! I can't wait to meet Kenneth Branagh. He shot to fame as the

director and star of the film Henry V. Kenneth portrayed him as a tough,

gritty warrior. Here's the actual Henry V. No oil painting, mind you,

here's Henry VIII and the most famous of all Henrys, Henry the

Hoover. Kenneth also directed and starred in Mary Shelley's

Frankenstein. That was a creature with two left feet. This is it!

Doh! Kenneth is currently appearing in

the Oscar-tipped film, My Week With Marilyn. All about Marilyn Monroe.

She had affairs with so many famous men, it was even rumoured she had

an affair with Albert Einstein. What did she like about him?

Let's get some guests on. Later in the show, Taio Cruz, but

first, it's Frank Skinner. How are you?

He scrubs up well, it's Zack Braff! Oh, oh, oh!

Shove up! But soft, he approaches. He is nigh.

Oh, oh! It's like having one direction on the show, isn't it?

30 years' time. Welcome to you all. But a special hello to you, Zack,

and welcome to London. Thank you for having me.

You're here for a while? I've moved here. I'm doing the play in the

West end at the Duke of York York and I'll be here until April. So I

like to think of myself as a Londoner. And are we treating you

well? Are you settling in? Yes, I'm getting used to the changes. Not

tipping. I tipped the cab driver too much the other day and he said,

"Why are you wasting your money?" That was a rare cab driver. I

wouldn't go on television saying you don't tip cabbies. You'll be

waiting a long time. And Kenneth, you've just come from the London

Circle Film Awards. I have. Did you win? Yes, I did!

Congratulations. Thank you. What did you get? It was a very

splendid glass platter, mounted on another glass thing that is both

beautiful and a wonderful blunt object if someone tried to break

into the house. But it was a thrill, both to be nominated and to win.

And you're now nominated for a BAFTA as well? Yes. And all of this

for your film about Marilyn Monroe. But I saw you at the Globes. I was

on an unbelievable table. Over here was Madonna, and then Meryl Streep

and I was the albatros. But it was lovely to watch. And I hope you get

the Oscar as well. Thank you. Frank you're currently the new host

of Room 101. I don't like the "currently" what have you heard?

rumours are flying around. No, you're the third host. Do you guys

know the show? Yes. I don't, but I've heard it's popular.. I think

you'll be fine! Thanks, Zack, I'm warming to you. You were on it

once? Yes. What did you put in? put in Action Man. What was wrong

with him? It wasn't against Action Man per se, but I come from a very

poor family and we couldn't afford the outfits. So my mother used to

make them. And she knitted him a matching throufrs and Cardigan in

quite a heavy stitch with buttons on. And he looked like an offduty

nurse. And when I played with my friends, they had Nazi Storm

Troopers. So I was very unhappy as a child. What would you put in?

Protective texts. I'm useless at it, but the idea of predicting words

that I've never heard of rather than the ones I really want, it

takes me four or five times longer to do the thing that is supposed to

save you time! And then the ones that slip through. Oh, have you had

some like that? I've discovered that Cole and anal and cock are the

same thing! You can say a lot more on a British chat show than you can

in America! And what would you like to say? Cock and anal! With all

boys on the couch tonight, it had to kick off.

I find the people who walk around with Bluetooth in their ear

incredibly annoying. London is really shutting down for you now.

Now, My Week With Marilyn is a huge hit. You are playing Sir Lawrence

Olivier. Yes. And when you started out, there were a lot of

comparisonons between you and Sir Lawrence, the Shakespeare and

directing. But you've gone from mainstream and Hollywood. What was

that like going to Hollywood? it was very exciting. You can't

quite believe you are there, and lots of things happen to make you

doubt it as well. When I first went there 20 years ago, they asked what

car I would like to drive. I had no idea. And the guy said, "What about

the Ford Mustang, open top and red?" so I said, "OK. So the car

waits for me at the hotel and I put the sunglasses on. And I keep going

over the wrong side of the road so people are hanging at me. And I get

to Paramount studios, and because I'm a Brit my name is not on the

gates. And I say, "But I'm directing this big Hollywood film."

And I wasn't getting in. Eventually I had to call my mum, as it were,

the producer, and spell my name. And they sent me to the parking

structure. So I took deep breaths, you've arrived now go and direct

your big, Hollywood film. I couldn't get the ignition key out

of the car. I couldn't get the roof to go up. And there's a button on

the steering column you had to press to let the thing go. And I

had to call my mum again and they had to come and get me. So now I'm

an hour late and you feel an idiot and you have to explain you don't

know anything about cars. I hired a car, because new cars are always

scary. And I couldn't get it into reverse and I was coming off a

driveway and moving really slowly and somebody blasted their horn and

there was an old couple in the car. And every time I turned to reverse

they blasted the horn and I swore at them and they looked shocked and

who are fied and I went to reverse again and I was leaning on the horn

and it was me! Because, Zack, you made it big with

skrabsskrabs so proper cash was coming in and you -- Scrubs so

proper cash was coming in and you went crazy with the money, didn't

you and cars? Yes, the first thing I did was get a beautiful Porche.

And my co-star on the show thought it would be funny to play a

practical joke on me. There was a show called punked. Did you have it

here? We did. Three days off the lot and I was going to a liquor

store, and there were hidden cameras and some teenagers asked us

to buy them booze because you can't buy it until you're 21 in the

States. And I said no I wasn't going to do it. And when we came

out of the liingor store the car appeared to be completely covered

in graffiti. Ruined, and the whole thing had been choreographed that I

wouldn't be able to catch the little b..... But I caught them and

I was pummelling them. And I couldn't see from my per cent

public sectorive because my adrend line was pumping -- adrenaline was

pumping that he was looking like a little boy. But, of course they

edited that bit out because they don't want you beating up children

on television. But they got me really badly. And when we went into

the store, my co-star knew he was on camera. And we walk in and

there's a giant rack of porn. It's the first thing you see and I'm

with my buddy. Magazines and DVDs. Both, probable. I'll give you the

address. I can picture it in my mind. Stay with us. So I walk over

to the rack, because I'm, like,, "Check this out" and my mate,

because he knows he's on camera is, like, "Oh, I'm not into that" and

I'm like, "Yes, you are." Now, Kenneth, you play Lawrence

Olivier, and it was like the Prince and the show girl. Yes, he

considered himself very traditional. She had an acting coach who was

with her most of the time. And aside from showing up late, they

also played a love scene and he wanted her to react to the scene

but she wanted to feel it and she said famously that when she wanted

to show in her eyes that she was in love with him she had to think of

things that she loved, like Coca- Cola. And she said she needed to

feel it, and he wanted to turn up and do it, but she wanted the muse

to visit. And it didn't visit very often. We have a clip here. This is

you coping with the acting coach. Well, we're still the first ones.

Ghee, this is all right, isn't it. Cut. Can't we just drop it. Well,

the thing is, you've already admired the hall downstairs in the

first scene and now you're admiring this room as well. Sure. Paula!

Christ. I don't get it. He's a strange man I think he already

figured it out that he invited her here just to sleep with him. What

is it? Marilyn doesn't believe the situation she is in. Then she needs

to think about the truth. truth..Marilyn needs as long as it

takes, Chaplin took eight months to make a movie. Eight months, I'd

rather kill myself! I've seen that film. It is so funny. Actors who

are at the end of their tether is always the funniest thing. I did a

play with an actor who used to get very mad about people coughing in

the audience. And I'd be standing in the wings and he'd say, "Why

don't you cough yourselves to death!" and the hand dryers in the

toilets. Yes, and now it's people taxing. And the phone famously

ringing. Al Pachino apparently picked one up from the audience and

said, "I'm acting go away." And it's the same with the cinema,

people are eating and bring their sandwiches out and they can't hear

and they're saying, "Is that him? He's a bit short, isn't he!" and

you carry on regardless. And did you ever meet Lawrence? I never met

him, but I wrote to him. I was struggle with a part which he had

played it was check-off. And I wrote and said, because I was at

that point bending over double and pouring flour over my hair and

pretending to be old, which wasn't effective. And I asked if there was

anything he had watched or heard or listened to that he could share

with me and he wrote back and said, yes there was, but no he wouldn't.

Because you have to work it out. But he said his advice was "to have

a bash and I wish you good luck" but what I remember of the

experience of that letter coming through to my bedsit was the letter

itself. The quality of the notepaper was so rich I felt like

somebody had sent me a table cloth. And the embossed Lawrence Olivier

at the top, it's in a special drawer. To have just someone even

bother, from a drama student who found his address in the Who's Who

of the theatre. I was tibl write to him and be inspire ed -- I was able

to write to him and be inspired for the rest of my days. That's an

incredible story. When you were launched on the world it looked

like you were very driven and did these amazing things one after the

other. Would the younger Branagh have said "yes" to directing a

blockbuster like Thor? Well, I certainly used to read that comic

when I was a kid so I knew it was true about my feeling for it. But

for me, working-class from Belfast, just to even be an actor was

already such an amazing leap of faith, my parents were amazed. They

thought if you were going to be an actor you were about to be

unemployed, homosexual and broke. Well....All Of which is perfectly

fine but it doesn't remotely include the idea of directing a

great, big movie like Thor. even then you didn't take your

Shakespeare hat off, because Christmas Hemsworth, you made him

do things. But he's an amazing feller. Even I had to sometimes sit

down and have a quick rub with the Radio Times! He's very stimulating.

He had all those good looks, but he was an amazing proper, proper on

actor and he wanted people to follow Thor into the jaws of death.

And it was all about his hammer swinging. And he has an impressive

hammer and a great gift with it! That's the DVD extras! But he was

able to take on board using the language. A fantastic kid and a

straight up and down movie star, an amazing guy but ready to do all of

it, a real worker who wanted not just to look it but feel it as well.

If you're looking for keep fit advice, Zack you've got some...Oh,

Yes, my tips are outrageous. you have some top tips? Well, I

think like most people New Year you think, "This is the time" and I

went to the gym and I was working out and I'd chosen a day, randomly,

Arnold Schwarzenegger walked into the gym! I knew I was in the right

one. I tried to put some more weights on to look more impressive.

I think he knew the gym owner and he was taking a tour. And he

approached me, and I don't know whether he knew me as an actor or

as a govern er to say, "Hello citizen" and he said, "What are

your goals with your workout." I was so on the spot that I retreated

to this very little boy place. And I said, "Well, to be honest, Arnold,

if I could have anything, did you ever see the movie Fight Club? I

really liked Brad Pittsabs. And he immediately said, "That's all diet.

You have to eat a lot of carrots. "And there's Arnold Schwarzenegger,

he's Ms Universe. Oops, too many steroids. So I ran home and I

bought a shit tonne of carrots and I was eating them for weeks, but

nothing ever happened. Now, if you want nutrition advice, Frank

Skinner does supplements? Well, someone, very comiccally bought me

something called 50 Plus for my 50th birthday. Which are vitamin

tablets to get you to the end! And I took them, I thought, "Why not,

they might help" and after three days I noticed that my urine had

become completely humanness. So the point where it basically shined in

the dark. There was, like, a little landing strip from my bed to the

ensuite where I'd done a sort of dribbley return! It was scary. You

know the rug you get in front of the toilet, it was like flying over

Vegas. Now, we turn to modern-day Shakespeare because Zack, you have

written a play? Yes. And you're performing is around the country.

We're starting in Manchester. Then going to Glasgow. Yes.

then ten wonderful weeks in the West End. So please come and see it,

Mr Branagh, please come and see it. Oh, you're invited too!

Too little, too late. I sense you're going to give me the box

office number! It's called All New People. Yes,

Sir. Tell us about it. I wrote this play about four strangers who come

together in a desolate beach house in the dead of winter. And it's a

comedy about these four strangers and it takes place in real-time, 90

minutes. Nice. We did it off Broadway in New York and we had a

wonderful reaction. It was my first play so I was very pleased and

excited. And then we got this call to bring it to the West End. So it

was just beyond my imagination. I'm so honoured. And I didn't play the

role the first time, because it was my first play and I wanted to sit

at the back of the house and tweak it. And now I think we have it in

pretty good shape I'm excited to play in it this time. But now

you're performing your own lines are you thinking," Eeeek" or "this

is very good." It was funny when we did the play the first time and the

actor was saying, "I don't like this line" and I couldn't

understand it, but now I do. And it's funny because all my fellow

actors think I will know it off the book, because they thought I'd

written it I would know it off by heart, but I don't. But do you

rewrite it? Not now. Do you know what you could do is make changes

every day for the rest of them. Really screw them up! Yeah, not so

clever now? But just the thought of being able to do it here. I'm very

aware, as a theatre student, about the story of the West End and just

to be here is very exciting. are going to Manchester and Glasgow

first, just to remind you! Now, Zack is very careful with his fans,

you're very in touch through Facebook and Tweeting? Yes. I'm in

favour of Facebook because it's a great way to talk to the fans. And

whatever I'm doing, whether it's an independent film or a play, they

don't have the publicity behind them so it's great to get right to

the fans and say, "This is what I'm up to." You made an extraordinary

promise to a fan on Facebook. Tell us. I reached a million fans

on Facebook, which I thought was pretty cool. It's very cool.

what I decided to do as a thank you for all these people supporting me,

I said if you submit a video telling me what you would do if I

hung out with you for a day, and it need not be special, it could be

childcare or a personal assistant. And whatever you want me to do for

a day, I'll come and do. A lot of small print, I think. And I put it

out, because Facebook is all over the globe. And we narrowed it down

to ten and the fans themselves voted and the video that won are

these fellows in Austria and as soon as my play is done I'll go and

visit them in Austria. But what will you do? I don't know, I think

they just want to party. Have you been to Austria before? No. I hear

it's lovely. If they have a basement, don't go into it. I don't

get it. Kenneth Branagh explaining. Kenneth

is filling me in on that. Oh! hoping they won't take me to their

basement. No, don't go. Well, the part of the videos was to let me

not see that you're not a crazy person. But I guess people can hide

that! Yes. None of the neighbours knew!

The neighbours always say, "He was just a normal guy." Yes. I used to

be written to by this woman I came to know as a jigsaw woman. And she

used to send me graphic sexual letters, very neatly cut into

perfect jigsaw pieces so you had to piece them together. And my PA, who

was a very sweet woman would carefully Sellotape these pieces

together to make sure all the fifthy words were available. And

she used to sign it and I was on tour and my tour manager said,

"There's a woman from the local radio station who wants to

interview you" and I said, "Fine" so I came in and we spoke and she

said, "Here's my card, if you want to speak again" and I looked at it

and it had this symbol on it, and I said, "You're the jigsaw woman,

aren't you?" and she said, "That's all in the past" and I said, "I got

the last one three weeks ago." And I said, "I want you to go or I'll

scream" and she said, "Let me sleep with you tonight" and I said you

are out of your mind. I'll never wake up. She said," Please, I'll

never bother you again. One night and I'll go." And I said" no,

please go" and she lifted up her jumper. And she had a bra on, it

was quite nice and she stood like this. And I said, "And you promise

me I'll never hear from you again!" And I....I did it. I risked it!

Thank you for sharing that so much I'm not going to sleep with these

Austrian boys. You break it to them like this. If you're watching, I'm

not! Listen, Frank, you're doing a show

in the West End and you have your radio show still going and new host

of Room 101. Mm. And it has a new formula, it's more like a panel

show? Yes, I'm the host and there are three guests competing to get

their hates into Room 101. I hate the logo so much it's put me off

the Olympics. Look at that. It's like the worst jigsaw you've ever

seen. I do think that's the tinyest, tinyest part of the Games. But I

could do a better logo right now. I'll do a better logo for the

Very good. I've seen that logo everywhere and I didn't know it was

for the Olympics. You didn't know what it was? No, I just thought it

was some graphic weird design and now I know, thank you. It is some

graphic weird design. But you are doing something extraordinary for

sports relief? Well, it is extraordinary for me, but it's one

of those challenges, you know Eddie Izzard ran 44 marathons, and David

Walliams swam the Thames. I'm swimming a length. Now, I should

say I can't swim and I'm frightened of water. I've always been

frightened of water. And it gets worse because it looks like the

chances are, it's not certain yet, but we're going to be doing it in

the Olympic pool. And the Olympic pool is twice the size of any other

pool. So they have said it will an width. Which makes it sound even

more rubbish. And I didn't go to the gym. I have a terrible physique.

I'm thinking I might have to do it in a suit to preserve my dignity.

You can't swim at all. I can't go out of my depth. Will you have the

water wings on? No, I have six weeks to learn and they're going to

give me therapy to get observer the fear. Are you making this up?

People are laughing. I have a phobia of cake. I'm going to

attempt to eat this for sports relief? No, for years, I'm the

person who minds other people's stuff on beach hoiltdz while they

go off and swim. -- holidays while they go off and swim. What is the

most frightening thing? Drowning. That's number one. It's also number

two. And I'm doing this live on sports relief night. So I could

actually drown on the night. I don't know if they'll carry on, or

will people still get their money. Or if you're taking too long, will

they just leave it. You could just bob there. I'll be lying on the

bottom of the pool. Don't wear clothes or a suit, because they'll

be heavy. And also be careful of those tight-fitting one-pieces as

well. I'm not worried about the aero-dynamic. It's going to be

quite cold in there. I imagine my testicles, by that stage, will have

just gone past my heart. Can I just say it's still not certain we're

going to do the Olympic pool. Because they're concerned to have

someone as frightened as me in an Olympic pool. And also, it's not a

good idea if you died. I like the aid of, you know the white line

they put around a body in murder films! In mosaic. Good luck with

the swim. I hope it goes well. really serious. It's a big deal.

Time for some music now. Performing Troublemaker, please welcome, Taio

Cruz. 4 # I saw when you arrived look

like a super model # Your ass from the side looks just

like a coke bottle # I love the way you ride

# Put that thing on full throttle # So get up on the sald

# I want to see you move like they move in Jamaica

# Pretend that I am dinner, she can be my song.

# Though my hands up # If you believe in me now

# I keep my hands up # I do it all for you now

# And sing out oheohoeoha, oheohoeoha # Oheohoeoha sexy little

mama-# It's really nice to meet you # Can I be in your classroom

# And be your private teacher # If I bring up my camera

# Will you with in my future # 'Cos we're gonna do some things

# Hope your daddy ain't a preacher # I wanna 150 you move like they

move in Jamaica # Pretend that I'm a dinner

# She gonna be my salt shaker # Throw my hands up if you believe

in thee now # I keep my hands up

# And do it all for you now # And and sing how

Oheohoeoha # Oheohoeoha

# I love the way you dance # It makes me casesy

# I wanna see you move # So just let it go, baby

# I feel like we can do this # Let's take it to.top

# We'll push, push, push it to be limit

# To be the limit, limit, limit, limit, #

# I though my hands up # If you believe in me now

# I keep my hands up # I do it all for the now

# And sing out # Oheohoeoha

# Oheohoeoha st # Oheohoeoha # Oheohoeoha

Oh, yes, well done, Sir! Thank you very much.

Come and take a seat. Mr Skinner, Mr Braff, Mr Branagh.

Thank you. I looked at them. I wasn't sure they were the party

generation, but look at them. That's the single out at the moment,

Troublemaker. That's right. And the album is out in March. Yes. It's

called Taio. I feel so stupid, I always assumed you were American?

lot of people think that, and even when I talk to them for ten to 20

minutes they still think I'm American. And they say, "Say

something" and when I say "hello" they say, "Oh, yes, you're

English." And did you write Umbrella? It's a long story, but,

yes, it was my song before Rhianna stole it. Bitch! I'll do her when I

see her. It's cool. I'm still here. I'm on the Graham Norton show!

where's she? She's not here. No. Thank you very much for doing that

and thanks for all the dancers. We're going to go, but just before

we have a story in the Red Chair. Hello. Hiya. What is your name?

Aisling. I'm guessing you're from Ireland? I am. The north of the

country. What do you do? Costume design. Interpretation. There will

be subtitles on Friday! Can you understand her? I can't. So far,

you're not missing anything. I've never heard of costume

interpretation before? It's the same as design, isn't it? Except

posher. Pull the leaver. Off you go? OK, leading up to Christmas I

was at home. Look at Zack's face. Did you get it? Something about

Christmas. Just pick out words. Christmas and home. I went to the

shop and I had to- get-milk-and- bread. And I was a bit stressed, so

it was like, run in, run out, let's go. I just told my boyfriend pick

me up, no need to park the car. I came out, perfect timing. Saw the

silver people carrier, casual speed. So I sprinted across with my

groceries, jumped in the back and thumped the back of the chair

saying go, go, go and because it was Christmas I had a scarf up here

and a hat down here. And I thought the person who was my boyfriend,

turned out to be this middle-aged, 60-year-old woman. And she was

screaming, "Jesus" and pushed her foot on the accelerator and went

straight into a lamp post! Oh. Very good. And you can get in touch at

the website and please thank all my guests tonight. Taio Cruz, Frank

Skinner, Zack Braff and Mr Kenneth Branagh. Thank you. Joining me next