Episode 12 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, Captain Jean- Luc Picard.

A brilliant comedian. And a star of Taken. Let's get out of here! Let's

Thank you very much. Thank you. You're too kind. Too kind. Welcome

everybody. We have got a great show for you this evening. Hollywood

great, Liam Neeson is here. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Acting royalty,

Sir Patrick Stewart is here. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know. I know. The hilarious, Alan Davies is on the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Everyone loves Alan. The fantastic

Brit nominated singer, Ed Sheeran is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Liam Neeson is here. Now, he is

going to be - all right, ladies. One at a time. He is going to be

talking about his new film, The Grey. I know. Yes! I'm saying the

word, "Grey". LAUGHTER

Move. Argh. His new film The Grey all about a

group of people trying to to survive in the wilds of Alaska. I'm

not an expert Liam, but pop a coat on. Everyone loved Liam in the hit

thriller Taken. Such a good film. He play as man hose daughter is

kidnapped in Paris. Imagine being a father and hearing that your

daughter has disappeared! LAUGHTER

, ""I have Got a daughter?" Liam's character has to use his CIA skills

to make the French people talk. Not always easy, no!

LAUGHTER What's that? She is in a box? If

the film Liam's daughter was kept in a tiny room with only a hole in

the ground for a toilet or as they call it in France en-suite!

Mind you, lots of brilliant films have been set in France. Not just

Taken, there was Midnight in Paris and the brill want War -- brilliant

War Horse. We will have music later on from

the one and only, Ed Sheeran. First, it is Alan Davies.

Beautiful! Hello sir. I'm very well. Sit

yourself down. Sir Patrick Stewart. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very dapper, sir. Looking very smart. Sit yourself down. And

release the dragon, it is Liam Neeson. Hill owe sir. Really --

hello sir, really nice to meet you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, it is ladies night! Welcome all of you, thank you for

coming. I am delighted to be here.

Liam you have just flown in from Paris, you are filming in Paris?

Yes. You are making Taken 2.

Yes, Taken to the cleaners. Does she get taken again? I can't

say. That would be unfortunate, you

would think, "You stupid cow.". LAUGHTER

Like the student travel people would be furious you are making

another one, didn't it really hurt American students travelling and

things, the first one? It was weird, but so many people came up to me

Saying, "Thank you for that film. I am never going to send my daughter

or my son to Europe.". But it is not that common that you go on your

holidays and get sold into sex slavery. St Patrick begs to differ!

LAUGHTER Sir Patrick, I feel we ought to...

Patrick. Just Patrick. Just Patrick? Yes.

LAUGHTER It is lovely, it is lovely, but it

is not required all the time. OK. OK.

Thank you. It may slip out sometimes. OK. Oh you mean the Sir

Patrick? Yes. Nasty moments! Probably later in

the show after 11. LAUGHTER

That's the thing you call sir. Hello sir!

Arise. LAUGHTER

You know, I was going to say Patrick that I feel we ought to

issue a warning to the pensioners of South London that in fact the

young vic has not been changed into a bingo hall it is the name of your

play, Bingo. But it must confuse people there is a flashing sign

saying "Bingo.". I can't explain the title. I worked it out for

myself what I think it has in relation to the play, but it is a

play about the last days of Shakespeare's life. How is he...

LAUGHTER And it amuses me the idea of you

walking around because you are so recognisable. I love that story,

you were in San Francisco and the people recognised you? Yeah. People

occasionally get a little confused and I was coming down from the top

floor... I thought you were going to say you were coming down in a

spaceship. "I was hovering around and you could see me through the

porthole.". I could talk about that if you want me to. I got in the

elevator and couple came in and they have had a drop or too.

LAUGHTER The man said, "Oh my God, oh my God,

I can't believe this. This is Dr Spock from Star Wars."

LAUGHTER You could see where he was coming

from, but every detail was wrong. His wife said, "Honey, no. No, you

got it wrong. This is Sir Ben Kingsley.".

LAUGHTER Which should I have taken most

offence? LAUGHTER

Ben Kingsley. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Now, you are releasing a very

exciting, new movie... Yes! Probably a drink taken. In his case,

it is not necessary. A new movie, The Grey. It opens nationwide

tonight. Yes. Now, I have seen it... Did you

see it? I did. Oh good man.

It is frightening. I couldn't look at my dogs in the same way. I

thought it was more of a horror, but it is more of a thriller.

Yes, it crosses a few genre. You are not battling the wolves,

you are battling nature. Battling nature and our inner

demons and each other. This is real? This is all real. We

shot in north-east British Columbia. I don't know if you were up there

Patrick, minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit. I remember thinking

after the first day's shooting, we're never going to finish this

film. The cameras were seizing up and it was tough.

I didn't didn't doubt it for a second. It does look cold. They

have put together a little montage to give people a flavour of the

film. Here we go. There is not a second that goes by

when I'm not thinking of you in some way. I want to see your face.

All my love for you, take it now. Leave nothing in my heart. Fill me

only with what I need to fight. Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It is really good. Really exciting.

You feel it. I have to say a lot of the - there

is a lot of incredible stunt work in that and it is my buddy and my

my stunt double who is is in the audience.

Where is he? He will be covered in snow!

Did you have to jump off that cliff and things? That was somebody else!

We spent a lot of time in the river which was extremely cold.

But you had to go in the river too, hadn't you? Yes, but he went in

first to test the waters so to speak.

Because when you are lying in the snow in your jumper or you are

stood in the river, that's just Liam Neeson very cold. No, but you

have layers of stuff on. You would die otherwise, you know. We used to

joke about going out for a pee-pee and it being...

LAUGHTER It was almost that cold.

What about the wolves? Are there any real wolves in the film? There

is a little sequence of them running. We shot with so-called

trained wolves, but they can't be train. Just let them go.

Many puppets and huge big puppets and three people people operating

their heads and stuff. Not a little one on a stick!

LAUGHTER You have had to do cold agenting in

your time, haven't you Alan? This is true, when I was auditioning to

go to university to try and do drama courses, they said, "It is

snowing." I thought OK. LAUGHTER

It is really snowing. There is a blizzard, it is blowing in your

face so I started squinting. When we did actual snow in Jonathan

Creek, we had an episode set in snow. Scream snow.

They sprayed the snow and it was September in a field and they

sprayed it on a field and when they wanted it to snow, they had a white

thing which was a snow can and they lit it and the snow blows and it

gets stuck in your hair and you have to do a lot of takes. So there

is no need for any of that! LAUGHTER

I am sorry, Liam. LAUGHTER

It is true though because you did go to more trouble than you needed

to? But you can't act that stuff, forgive me Al!

LAUGHTER There was an emphasis on the, "You

"there. I want to know did you get on to

the course, this auditioning? received an offer. I was afraid of

the other candidates. Did you not go? I didn't go.

It must be difficult if you are you are doing something like Star Trek,

it is the opposite, nothing is real, the planets, the aliens, you know,

you are constantly... You must get this all the time. So naive!

In Star Trek, you must have a lot of time where you are reagenting to

things that -- reacting to things that aren't there? I am sorry.

I am not destroying dreams? Most of the time the aliens are not there.

They have to phone their agents. You have to shoot it without them,

Patrick. I did say, "Most of the time."

of them are knighted! So you got a white disc with a

cross on it and that's what you are agenting with and we had a script

superviser so-called Cos -- cosmo and Cos Mo would read the script.

You would read them from the big chair? Sometimes mixing it up.

I fell asleep in the middle of a close-up once. I dosed off. This

alien, he was very... Boring. LAUGHTER

Boring and verbose. You met them, haven't you? I hate

those sort of aliens. It was a long, long speech and it

was 2am or 3am and... LAUGHTER

It is somewhere in the vaults of Paramount.

It would have been hilarious cutting back to Captain Jean-Luc

Picard. "wake me up when he has finished.". Liam, you had a long

and successful career. A couple of films have changed things like

Schindler's List brought you to a whole new level and the Oscar

nomination and all of that? Yes. That's me with Sir Patrick Stewart

there. Oh yes.

You are marvellous this in that that Sir Patrick. And then Taken.

That did sort of put your career in a whole different direction, didn't

it? Yes it did. I was 55 years of age and it came my way and it was,

I thought it was a straight to video thing. A straight to video

movie and it was three months in Paris so I took it and it was

successful. You say successful. It has taken

over a quarter afbillion dollars -- of a billion dollars. Seriously.

Hence she has gone missing again! LAUGHTER

I gave her away this time! Have her. Please take her!

Taken is one of those films where one speech becomes legendary and

even on the poster, they use the speech, the one with you on the

phone. "I don't know who you are." Do you get loads of fans coming up

and asking you to say that? Occasionally. My eldest boy is at

boarding school and he sometimes calls up and says, "Dad, can you

leave a message on Charlie's message?". Do you? Oh yeah, I do.

You do? I can never remember the words.

We have a special lady in the audience and her name is Jo. Where

is Jo? Oh, there is Jo. You don't know Jo, I don't think.

But she claims to be... Oh God. LAUGHTER

Daughter? Lover? Good game. Good game. She is your first fan. Why do

you think you are his first fan? saw Liam acting in a mini series

nearly 30 years and I wrote you a fan letter and you sent me back a

signed photo and a letter saying it was your first ever fan letter and

I have got it here. APPLAUSE

What did he say? He says, "Thanks for your charming letter.". I will

stop you there. LAUGHTER

Listen, weirdly, because it is like like channelling your son, Jo said

she would like you to do something for her.

LAUGHTER Now, so she wants, would you leave

an answer phone greeting on her phone? Sure, yeah.

Would you? She sent us in your number. So I call, your phone is

off, right? Otherwise that would be annoying and stupid!

907777... LAUGHTER

A lot of people will call up to hear this!

OK. This should be ringing. This is Jo, please leave a message.

Please enter wur PIN followed -- your PIN followed by the hash key.

You are at The O2 greetings and mail box menu. To listen to your

messages. Please record your personal greeting. To end recording

key zero. Press zero and you read that and

press zero. Show me where zero is.

Zero is that one. I start? Yeah.

I don't know who you are, but if you don't let my daughter go now, I

will find you. I will kill you. Please leave a message.

Let's see if it worked. Hang on. Hang on.

Let's just call it back and see if it was successful.

90777... LAUGHTER

7. There is so many sevens! I don't know who you are, but if

you don't let my daughter go now, I will find you, I will kill you.

Please leave a message. Please leave your message after the

tone. To rerecord your message, key hash at any time. Hi, it is Alan

Davies here. If you have got my daughter, she is two, you can keep

her. LAUGHTER

I'm going on tour to get away from her. She is a nightmare and she has

also got chickenpox. Good luck! APPLAUSE

Right, now, I like saying the Sir Patrick Stewart. Say it. Say it!

It must sound lovely to you. It was only June 2010 it happened? Yes.

Was The Queen a fan of X-Men or Star Trek? We didn't go there!

But she was very pleasant. What was extraordinary and I would like to

attend one of these ceremonies again sometime to see what happens

because there is a little thing you kneel down on and fortunately a

little hand grip to hold on to get down and up without falling over

because that's the only fear you have because there is one point you

have to walk backwards, the fear is you fall over.

Yes. There she was in front of me and I

knelt down and I looked up and there was this sword in her hand

and I don't know where it came from. LAUGHTER

She didn't have it moments earlier and then there it was, it was like

the Sabre, the light Sabre. LAUGHTER

Yes. It was like Wolverine.

That might be part of the Royal prerogative that they have knees

skills that we don't know anything about.

I am sure she is safe, but she seems to be elderly to be in charge

of a heavy sword. If she fell off that step...

LAUGHTER Look... A great way to go.

LAUGHTER If you want to go! She was on her

feet for over an hour and spoke personally, privately with each

individual that went up there and it was an extraordinary performance

and full of style and elegance and grace. Your play opens on 16th

February at the Young Vic and it is about the last days of Shakespeare

and you have played it, is it four times now? It will be four times.

Two productions, but four times. I did it in 1979 in Stratford. I

think it is one of the most important and one of the most

brilliant plays of mid-20th century dramatic English writing. It is

about Shakespeare, but it is an unconventional and unexpected view

of what our great dramatist's life may have been like during those

last few days. 35 years ago... Too young.

Much too young. That's one of the reasons why.

Doing it now, you think, "What the hell was I doing 35 years ago?"

High a different view of what this man might be and having done more

Shakespeare and played the grown-up roles has made a difference for me.

It is like you are in reverse because here you are a leading man,

you look great, you know, you are getting these fabulous roles, but

35 years ago, people must have thought you were older than you

were so... I was always older than I was. When I was 16... Excuse me,

Patrick. We were in a film together called Excalibre 32 years ago. He

looks exactly the same. LAUGHTER

You looked terrible 32 years ago? was never a juvenile, ever a

juvenile. When did this happen?

LAUGHTER You can use the words, it is all

right to do that. Yeah.

When did I go bald? I mean I'm sitting next to these

incredible... But opposite me, so you're fine.

I was 19 and it went in a matter of months. Wow. It fell out, it was my

last year at drama school and I thought everything was over. I did

spend more money than I could afford on treatments, but nothing,

a waste of time. I wore caps all the time. I wore a lot of wigs on

stage. High a hair piece, a good hair piece made that I would wear

for auditions and occasionally for roles on stage and I developed yes,

a comb over! A really kind of Donald Trump comb

over. LAUGHTER

So the problem is that, you know. LAUGHTER

Your hair goes with it.. All those situations you have got to avoid

and it is limiting in your life. Now you are like the poster boy for

bald people? LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER It

It is

It is true.

It is true. You

It is true. You can see it written on my tombstone, "You are the

poster boy." When I was working at the Barbican, I was walking across

a rain swept square, one of those public places. A guy walked past me

with a hat on and an umbrella and I was walking along bare headed and

suddenly I heard my name called, "Mr Stuart." He lifted up the

umbrella and he took off the hat and he was as bald as me and he

said, "On behalf of all the bald men in the world, thank you."

But I have been looking at Wayne Rooney and I am - it is superb.

LAUGHTER Isn't it? It is superb? I am not

sure superb is the word. I'm wondering about going down that

road. Do it!

I might get some dates. As if you need the help!

LAUGHTER Not a word. Not a word. We think of

you as a serious Shakespeare actor, you love a bit of low brow as well,

you are a huge bee Beavis and Butthead fan. Yes.

Can you do a live action thing, the two of you on tour? Hey.

Yes. LAUGHTER

Remember you heard it here first. LAUGHTER

It is not a bad idea. The older Beavis and Butthead.

The bald Beavis and B utthead. He had to go there.

Beavis and Baldhead. A limp applause. It was better than

a boo. You know why, they knew that hurt.

Alan, I'm excited because you are back on tour with a new show called

Life is Pain. I am going on tour later this year.

The tickets go on sale this week. APPLAUSE

I'm very pleased. We start in September and I am going to tour up

until Christmas. You have done this tour in

Australia? We went out to Australia and we did QI Live. We did QI with

Australian comedians and I did a stand-up tour and it was great.

Really good fun. I loved it. I used to tire of hotels, I found it

boring, when I was a stand-up, when I started, you are in comedy clubs

and there is cam rad there is camaraderie and laughs. Now, I have

got small children and I am always exhausted, I really like being on

my own! LAUGHTER

That provides about half of the material for this show. Yeah, I'm

doing that in and around the UK and going to Ireland. When you toured

Australia, they all came with you, didn't they? We all flew out. It

was horrendous the flight. It was horrendous flying back. Being in

Australia was fantastic and I loved it, but they didn't come round to

the gigs. We did take my daughter, we took her in because my wife was

going to watch one of the recordings, we thought we will go

in and sit in a box and see if she can tolerate the noise, we had the

klaxon noise noise for me when I get it wrong. So the speaker was

next to the box and they did a test run and she almost she she almost

crapped herself. "I don't like the show. I don't like the show." she

has chickenpox and the cleaner came in on Monday and she opened the

door and she went, "I have got chickenpox." Not knowing at that

point it was going to be a desperately grim experience.

It is 12 years since you you you haven't been back.

The last year I toured the UK was 1999. The years went by and I was

doing other things and it just stopped somehow.

Liam, you are going to give action movies another 18 months, it seems

a tight window? Maybe 18 months. The knees are starting to play up.

LAUGHTER Mark can do the running. 18 months.

Yes. That could work out nicely for He could be in Taken 3.

Where is she? You can be be taken and he can find you.

I should really write some of this down. We might remember it all.

can just say, "Resistance is futile."

Now it is exciting to have two stars, it is very rare to have two

stars from such big science fiction fan classes. And there is more of

the sentence coming. Yes. Alan wasn't in Star Trek or Star

Wars. I wasn't asked to be in anything of

that nature. Did either of you have doubts to

saying yes to the big franchises which could have wrecked your life

ins a way? No. Speaking for myself, it was great being in the episode

before star wrs. Star Wars. What about you Patrick? I didn't

understand when you sign a contract in the United States, you sign for

a minimum of six years. When my agent explained it, I said, "I

can't do that. I can't sign away six years." He said, "Don't worry,

it will never make it that long. You will be lucky to make it

through the first season." I talked to a handful of people in Hollywood

and they said it won't work. Come over a make a little bit of money

for the first time in your life and get a suntan and meet some girls

and go home! And seven years and then what eight more years and four

movies later I was still there. can't decide which I prefer. Which

do you prefer? Anyway we thought we could see who

comes out best in the Battle of the Action Figures. This is Liam's.

Then We have also got... Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Size isn't

everything! LAUGHTER

It has no legs. . It is exciting bus there is a

lighting -- because there is a lighting thing. Your money box...

It is coin operated. OK. I sense a disturbance in the

LAUGHTER May the Force be with you!

Wow. And that's one and this is Captain

Jean-Luc Picard. LAUGHTER

That's it? Yes. LAUGHTER

At least do it again! ? All right, I will. It probably

APPLAUSE Well, here is something to help you

all feel young and in touch with the kids because it is music time.

Before we have tonight's stories in the red chair. Let's meet a man had

is just 28 years old and has four Brit nomination and the biggest

selling debut album of the past ten years, performing his new single,

years, performing his new single, # I wanna be drunk when I wake up

Will # On the right side of the wrong bed

# And every excuse I made up # Tell you the truth I hate

# What didn't kill me, it never made me stronger at all

# Love will scar your makeup lip stick to me

# So now I'll maybe leave back there

# I'm sat here, wishing I was sober # I know I'll never hold you like I

used to # But our house gets cold when you

cut the heating # Without you to hold I'll be

freezing # Can't rely on my heart to beat it

# Cause you take part of it every evening

# Take words out of my mouth just from breathing

# Replace with phrases like 'when you leaving me

# Should I, Should I # Maybe I'll get drunk, again

# I'll be drunk, again, I'll be drunk, again

# To feel a little love # I wanna hold your heart in both

hands # I'll watch it fizzle at the

bottom of a coke can # And I've got no plans for the

weekend # So should we speak then? Keep it

between friends # Though I know you'll never love

me, like you used to # And maybe other people like us

# Will see the flicker of the clipper when they light us

# Flames just create us, burns don't heal like before

# You don't hold me anymore # On cold days Coldplay's out like

the band's the name # I know I can't heal things with a

handshake # You know I can change, as I began

saying # You cut me wide open like a

landscape # Open bottles of beer but never

champagne # I'm here to applaud you with the

sound that my hands make # Should I? Should I?

# Maybe I'll get drunk, again # I'll be drunk again

# All by myself # I'm here again

# All by myself # You know I'll never change

# All by myself # I'm just drunk, again

# I'll be drunk, again CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Beautiful. Mr Ed Sheeran, everybody. Thank you very much for that.

Fantastic. Come and have a seat. Sit yourself down there. There is

Alan, Patrick, Liam, Mr Ed Sheeran. Very good. Of course, that is the

new single off the album which is in shops if you can find one and

you can download it now. You say plus, do you? It is a positive sign

or addition. LAUGHTER

Good options Liam, you can call it what you like!

Patrick has done everything. Is that a particularly small guitar.

Yeah, it is a half-size. I see. I won it in a competition and I

bought another one and I have four, Nigel, Lloyd, Felix and Cyril.

Who is that? That is Nigel. He was great.

Haven't you got tiny hands?? Yes. He has tiny tiny hands.

Big feet. Brits are in about a month. Yes.

Are you coming? Hello. No. Have a fantastic night and good luck with

them. Thank you.

Very good. Before we go, we have got time for the red chair. Who is

up first? Hello. Hello.

Hi. You seem a little nervous? What's your name? Sue.

Sue. Where are you from? Farn ham in Surrey.

She is from Farnham in Surrey, everyone.

They don't care, Sue. We had recently seeded a new lawn

and... Sue, Sue, that is one of the worst beginnings in a story ever.,

""We Had recently seeded a new lawn." You have Farnham in Surrey

written all over you Sue. OK. OK. You have seed add new lawn.

Got up one morning, opened the curtains and there were all these

pigeons eating the seeds. So I opened the window...

LAUGHTER Leaned right out and went, "Shoe.

Shoe." Then I saw nigh next door neighbour. -- my next door

neighbour, he looked up and I looked down and I thought, "Naked

breasts." LAUGHTER

It was a terrible story. We We thought it had to go somewhere.

I think it might have been a metaphor that story! The pigeons,

the seed, the man looking in, you know... Yes.

If that had been a film it could have won an Academy Award.

Not Sue from Farnham. Gl one

-- one more. Hello, we have high hopes for you, what's your name?

Sarah. What's your your job? Cabin crew.

Sarah, Sarah, on a shuttle, not Sue. Sue was from Farnham!

LAUGHTER It is It is riding on you sar

ration this better -- Sarah, this better be good.

Know when you are really tired and you take your chair off at once and

I put them on the chair. I thought my jeans were all right. I went to

see my mum and dad. I went to the petrol station and I finished

filling up when this man bent down and picked up something and as it

went into the hands we both realised what it was and it was my

knickers! A sweet story. Well done, Sarah.

On. All right, everybody. Thank you very much. If you want to have a go

in the red chair, you can contact us via the website and at this

address. Thank you to my guests tonight, Ed Sheeran. Alan Davies,