Episode 14 The Graham Norton Show

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.

Well ladies, have you heard who's visiting Chatford this week? Only

Britain's most famous Dame? And that nice young man from Slumdog

Millionaire. Not to mention that amusing spinster from the Great

British Bake-off. Oh, and they've got that gay singer who won Pop

Idol. I know, there goes the neighbourhood. Let's start the

show! APPLAUSE Oh! Hello! Hello, everybody! Hello!

Yes! Yes! Welcome all. We've got a great show for you tonight.

Britain's greatest actress, Dame Judi Dench is here. I know! Star of

Slumdog Millionaire, Dev Patel is here. Fantastic.

The hilarious Sue Perkins is on the show. Plus we've got chat and music

from Will Young. I love Sue! Glad they've all made it, through all

the cold and snow. It is cold, isn't it? It is cold! Yes, so cold,

that Denise Welch had to wear a bra! She did! I'm told that the bad

weather affected the whole country. In Essex, some people spent all

night in their cars and they were not even dogging! Talking of

February, is everyone looking forward to Valentine's Day?! Look

at the men in the audience, going again? Now, the problem with

Valentine's Day, it has become so commercial. Very commercial, isn't

it? So, here is a money-saving tip. Get your Valentine's Day from ASDA.

Yeah, there it is! Now, I have one here.

It is lovely. 7 pence ladies and gentlemen. Ah -

nothing says 'I love you' like buying a card with the change you

found in the car ashtray. Still, there's a nice verse inside. 'Roses

are red, violets are blue, this is how little, I think of you'. Let's

get the guests on. Later on we are meeting Will Young! But first, it

is the icing on the cake, it is Sue Perkins! Hello! Sit yourself down!

And, for the final answer... It is depev Dev! -- Dev! Hello, sir.

And, there is really nothing like this dame, it is Dame Judi Dench!

# There nothing like a dame. # There is nothing like a dame. #

APPLAUSE Oh! How thrilling to have you all

here. Thank you.

It is. We have never had you before on the sofa? No, you have not. Only

as a director, Graham. Shall we gloss over that at that? I know, I

was in a play. Dame Judi Dench had to shout at me as I was shit.

It is true. No, I have seen her angry, it is

not a good look. What did he do? Nothing.

What was required of him? A lot. I was poor! I know you are busy,

you have been to the new film, and you are in the middle of filming

Bond. Yes. And M has a bigger part in the

story? Can I tell you anything about that, Graham, without being

shocked tomorrow morning when I get on the set? I was hoping that you

could? No, I can't tell you a single word about it.

Chat show gold, but, excitingly, I hear that Dev Patel is in the

opening ceremony of the Olympics? No, I'm not! You are not well

informed on that one! So far, so good! How did we think you were

doing the opening ceremony of the Olympics? I haven't a clue, man.

Sorry. He should be, though, shouldn't he?

I'm the least bit athletic. Look at You are tall, young. Handsome,

lithe. You can carry a torch. Hey, if all

else fails you can hop into one of these costumes. They are poor,

aren't they? They look like they are advertising tooth decay.

The blue one looks like he has a wet patch in the wrong place.

Are you involved, Dame Judi Dench? Not at all. I shall watch quietly

with my feet up the chimney. So, we have the Olympics, the

Queen's Diamond Jubilee, the Great British Bake Off, shrl one of Her

Majesty's favourite programmes, are you doing a special for that?

are doing a special one for Her Majesty live at Balmoral! No, we

are not. I don't think that she would love it, do you think?

Everyone loves the Great British Bake Off.

This is a programme, imagine you making big feature films, this is

me and my friend, Mel, staring as people cry over a collapsed

marmalade loaf. Meanwhile, there are us and seven camera men trying

to get the crumb action at the right moment. There is 100... The

camera that pulls from the scone, the camera going into the lemon

cake and the one like the matrix that goes around the torte in case

it should destabilise. I just say the word "bake", that is all that I

have to do. You do it very well, but we have

evidence that there is a baker in the land, interested in the Queen's

Diamond Jubilee. He has baked this lovely cake... What is the Corgi

doing?! I mean on the day, she will probably have a shave... And

perhaps whoever ate the other arm will return it! It is a difficult

pose with the right arm. There is a mixed message there.

We are not sure where the shoulder is! It is very Cranford there.

Everyone loved Cranford. Will we get more Cranford? I don't think so.

Not that I know about. Unless they are keeping it quiet.

You're not in it! I'm not! You are in it! We were looking at pictures

of Cranford. That lovely shot of you there, but what the hell is

going on this picture? Oh, yes, well, we are hiding, aren't we?!

looks like you were not bothered to put on the full uniform. You wanted

to get home early. In sensible slacks.

Plain like the news readers. Was there a medical merge in full

gash? Oh, yes, a tooth. We were doing a scene. I had to say, "And

look at the...." I told them my to the had come out.

So, they said, they would get us organised. We were out at Ealing.

They said that the dentist will see me. They said that unfortunately

there is not time for me to get out of all of this and this and this

and this and this, you will have to go as you are. So I did. I went

down to the surgery. I walked in. They said, "He'll be coming now."

Nobody took a blind bit of notice to me. He said, "Oh, right. Just

sit back here." So I lay back. He said, "Open your mouth." He said,

"Are you working at all these days?" APPLAUSE

I just get dressed up like this to go to the tentist. I always wear a

bonnet when I go to the dentist. I'm an actress, silly. What was

amazing read being you, preparing for this.I did prepare, seriously.

Was that given how long and illustrious your career has been,

the big success, the movie success, the American success, that came

relatively late and relatively recently? It did come late. It came

with Mrs Brown. Which was actually made for

television, directed by John Madden who has directed the film and Dev

and I are in at the moment. That was originally done for television.

It was thanks to Harvey Weinstein that he said we should put this in

the cinema. Suddenly I got a film career an went back to America

after 38 years. I had been there with the Old Vic. I had never been

back. I had such a great time 38 years ago. I thought it would never

be the same. Then I went back. Everyone said apart from Mrs Brown

and M and the Bond films what other work had I done? So, I thought,

that is the whole of Shakespeare, Chekhov... But it was wonderful. It

was thrilling. And you were Oscar-nominated for

that. I think that I have a picture of you in Mrs Brown... Sorry!

APPLAUSE. A silly joke! Here you are with

Billy Connolly. Now, I'm confused... With the

farting horse! Really? I want to know about the farting horse!

there something wrong with it? ask the horse.

How often would it? Every step! That is terrible. So if you listen

to the soundtrack, that was in the programme? I think that they put

music over it. You own a horse? I do.

A proper racehorse? Oh, yes, he won the Lincoln and the Brigadier

Gerrard. What is it called? Smoky Oaky. He

came last at Lingfield on Saturday. That is because he is only out and

trying again. OK. I don't know what you are

talking about! But I do know that you are a very big animal fan and

how many animals do you have now? Animals in my house? Yes, not the

horse, we have established that. Do you want to know them? Four cats,

one dog, two Guinea pigs, two fish, one of which I gave the breath of

life to when he was dying. Let's stop for Ann ek dote there.

How did the fish drown? Did you do the staying alive move that Vinnie

Jones is doing? I blew in his mouth. I know that I should not have done

as he has gills, but he was that size and dying, now... That size.

He is now called Lazarus. Was he sinking for floating? He was

dying! It was a fish, dying. Lying on the top! Oh, I see.

So you gave him the breath of life He doubled in size.

You didn't inflate it? Blow him up like a balloon.

Blow him up like a Space Hopper. That's fixed it! Oops! Are you OK?

Yes, I'm fine! That is 50% proof! But Mrs Brown came along and you

were off like a racehorse. The next one Shakespeare In Love that you

won the Oscar for. That is not a great look! And winning the Oscar,

it is not the largest role in the world... It was a little role.

That is what I tried to avoid saying. You are hardly in it! Were

the other actresses... You have changed! You were so polite once to

me! Were the other actresses a bit peed off that you, the lady who

worked for eight minutes? Well, I didn't ask, did I. I just took it

and went! Then you kept being nominated for Oscars, six times

now? It is fantastic. You mentioned Harvey Weinstein, he was associated

with a lot of those movies. Didn't you find a special way to thank

him? I did. You haven't got a picture of that?! Picture! No, we

don't! I told him that I, because I was so grateful because he gave me

a film career, that I had his name tattooed on my bum. He laughed and

said, "Oh, yeah." Then we went to lunch. It was at the Four Seasons

in New York. Then I got the make-up lady to fake his name on it. So I

said, "Do you not believe me?" So I did show him.

Well done you! We have never been back there since.

Dev with Slumdog Millionaire, that night at the Oscars, how old were

you? 18? Yes, I was like a bubble head dog that you get in the back

of the car. I was really unprofessional. So unclassy.

Terrifying. Did you go hog wild at the party?

They give you chocolate Oscars. You really were 18, weren't you!

It's chocolate! Yes! I took a wine glass and no-one let me drink

alcohol. So I poured cranberry juice and went on the hunt for

someone cool. I would have bitten the head off the chocolate vodka

and gone around sipping it... Just me, then? Now, Sue Perkins, you

were at an award's show, this is unfortunately. I apologise...

are you bringing this out? You have Dame here and a beautiful man.

Extraordinary stars. It is extraordinary you have done

this. He is going to humiliate me. What

award show were you at? I was at a Stone Wall awards. It got a little

out of hand, as you know because you have evidence of it.

Yes. So you were talking to a man?

was a lovely man. He was beautiful, we were very drunk. He said he had

the softest balls in Britain. When somebody says that to you, do you

not then want to seek proof? I beseeched you! Do you take it at

red, Judi or say, "Bang them out."? Bang them out. Would you say bang

them out? I would. I can't believe this! What were you

thinking?! I was drunk! So I had the award. It was almost perfectly

designed for the slow thud of a gentleman's genitalia.

I had it like that and it sort of slapped on and then somebody took a

picture of it. That is all that happened, Graham! They were very

beautiful balls! Can we bare to show that on television? We have to.

I have such bad eyesight, I have missed it! Well, focus on Sue's

nice face... APPLAUSE They were lovely balls! Aren't they

lovely? They are so tidy. They were like velvet. I did not

touch them for long. I started to feel a voice over, "Have you been

affected by anything you have seen in this programme "that got out of

hand. I'm glad it's been aired. Thank you! It is over. Deep breaths

everyone and moving on. Let's talk about the The Best Exotic Marigold

Hotel. Dev and yourself, you are both in this film it is released on

the 24th of February. It is Dev and Dame, an amazing cast list as well.

Talk me through some the people in it? Hmm...? Do we remember anyone?

Well, Bill Nighy is in it, Dame Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson,

Penelope Wilton, Ramona Marquez. Dev Patel.

You would love this film it is funny, warm, touching.

It is a great advertisement for India. You would want to go.

Which of you would like to tell me ewhat it is about? It is about a

German scientist... Sue, not you. Dev will tell you.

It is about a young boy! I play a dude called Sonny. He has a brain

wave to outsource older age. His father left him this beautiful home

which he decides to turn into a care home for the elderly and he

uses Photoshop to turn it into a beautiful palace and dupe these

guys into coming down. Travelling thousands of miles and they get

there and everything is just... I mean imagine flying across the

world to this place run by me and all is not what it seems and

madness ensues, I guess. We have a clip. This is really a

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 42 seconds

flavour of India and all of you Watch it! Welcome to The Best

Does it exist? Yes, it does. That was the amazing thing. It took us

an hour-and-a-half to get to this place out in the desert.

It was a real building? It had the rooms for each character. Ronnie

has a room. He lives in the trees. Literally there are trees egrowing

in through the windows. It is a beautiful character of the film.

room was just built on the roof. You could have stayed there forever.

You really get the sense it is a real place? Yes.

Judi in India, in terms of being on set in location, how famous are you

in ind car? Not very. If famous at all, for James Bond.

It goes everywhere? Yes, it does. Surprisingly. What can you tell us

about the upcoming James Bond film? We are chipping away! M's the

badie! We'll get there yet. Dev, because of Slumdog Millionaire

are you a massive star in India? Did that movie do well there?

of. They hold a special place for that movie. They are proud of it.

When I meet people they are so excitable. I am not your gern

boiled -- generic Bollywood superstar. I don't stand out. They

are all chiseled. When you go and people recognise you, they start

talking in Hindi and I don't know what they are saying. Then they

realise I'm a foreigner and charge me over the odds! You can afford

it! Clearly Slumdog Millionaire did change your life? Definitely.

Completely. You didn't just find fame on the

film, but your lovely lady friend, Freida Pinto, there you are

together. Look at me! I'm not sure what she

is doing in that picture, but you seem pleased! All I can say is

beware. If you look down, Sue's face is

down there. There were lots of rumours about

you getting ingauged? No, mate. I'm 21, dude.

There were rumours, but we are not. No. We are just working hard.

That's for you, mum! I read that your mum was quite upset that it

was not true? She thought it was true? Well, she, we flew, it

started we were on... Why am I telling you this?! God! Because it

is a shat show. I thought that no-one thought that

I fancied her on the set, but apparently I looked like a massive

love sick puppy and nobody knew, but everyone knew, but persistence

is the key for any man out there. Grind them down, eventually they

will say "yes". I told my mum I was making a film in Philadelphia. I

said I had so many big scenes that I would not be able to talk to her.

Normally I talk to my mum a lot. She wants to know what I'm eating

and all of that stuff. Of course.

I did this thing that I have never done but pestered paramount

pictures so hard and they let me fly to Tel Aviv, to see Freida,

filming out there. We went out to dinner and we got papped for the

first time. My mum gave me a call. So, son, how is Philadelphia?! It

was great, but from then on I could not hide it.

Your mother sounds like a force of nature? She is a force of nature.

She is cool. She is so unphased by everything. She came to the set and

I was worried about bringing her to India because of all of these guys

in the film. We got a room and I told her to be good. Not to pester

anybody! I would come back home and she shows her camera and there are

50 different poses with eight different locations with managie.

They are like chums. And poor managie! She had to

entertain my mum! With Bill, with people from the hotel, everyone!

Was it your mother, who forced you into auditioning for Skins? Yes,

she Z I owe a lot to her. She saw the

open casting call. I was 16. She saw this thing. She dragged me

to the casting call. I thought she had gone crazy. We queued outside

of the National Youth Theatre. There were all of these drama types.

I was there in my backpack with my school uniform and my mum.

Did your mother have any idea of the sort of show that Skins is?

remember the casting director saying that it was a little racy,

but everything would be fine. In the first episode I get my cheeks

out. You know, those cheeks. In Indian

families, this is big, so she invited everyone from the -- for

the first showing. I think a relative was flown in from India.

Was it a hushed reaction when the Dev cheeks came out? She was

embarrassed. Then she was happy that I wasn't gay! APPLAUSE.

Every cloud! Tell me ethis, you have never done a celebrity Who

Wants To Be A Millionaire? They asked me, but I would be far too

stupid. Do you think? Well, I tell you what,

we are in a television studio show, we have lights. We have a few

questions. Here we go. No! No! So, Dev Patel? Yes.

You are an actor? Yes. You have worked with a lot of

celebrities? A little bit. How much do know about your co-star,

Dame Judi Dench. Go ahead.

Here is your question. When Dame Judi Dench was a child, what did

she push through a neighbour's What is your first thought? She is

cheeky. She has a deadly sense of humour. I will go for something

risky. You can ask the audience.

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE B! I think it is a dead rat. She is not a dog poo

lady! OK, what are you going for? think the rat.

You are going with C, the rat? Final answer? Yes.

Dev... You could have said petrol bomb... The correct answer is... C!

A dead rat! Thank you! Judi?! What were you thinking?! It is true?

Absolutely true. Why? We used to play. We had a long,

long garden. We had a lot of gardens coming at right angles to

it. My two older brothers were always playing cricket in the

garden. They whacked a ball over into the next door neighbour's

garden. They asked for the ball back. We had a barn at the end of

the garden. The boys found a dead rat in it. They parceled it up,

they said to me, I was much younger than they were. To push it through

the letter box. So I Z she came around to see our father.

The funny thing is how classy she makes that incident out. So

beautiful and pretty! If I said that... Because I said it was

nicely wrapped! I have you this wrap, Mrs Lazenby. Talking of

naughty children, Sue Perkins, how old were you when you went on the

ET ride at universal studios? was... 28! Yes, I went on the ET

ride at the Universal Studios. What did you do? Well, there is a

speaker when you go in. You get to say your name so that ET can say

goodbye to you personally when you leave. So I said "banker." So I

went up on the bike. It was a the lovely moving music. I was excited.

As you come down the ramp, I did not realise there were so many

children there and me, 28. There was ET. The finger was lit...,

"Goodbye, banker."! APPLAUSE. Right, it is music time. Not only

is my next guest everyone's favourite Pop Idol, but Dame Judi

Dench has seen him naked. Please, welcome Will Young, everybody! So

smart! Good to see you. Very polite.

Well done. Well done. I have warmed it up for you.

you have! You are in the Dame Judi Dench Dent! There you go.

I've been doing that all week! I don't know why, it is just a funny

surname. So, how long ago? It's been a while since you worked

together. When was Mrs Henderson Presents? When was it? Seven years

ago. I reckon. Seven years ago?! Yes, it was more

than three! Was it seven? My God. You were in a similar position to

Dev, you were not an experienced actor, then here you were with Bob

Hoskins and Dame Judi Dench. It was amazing to be in said

company and to learn, for my first acting job, to learn from a

wonderful director and wonderful actors. A dream.

You did have the awful pressure of getting your kit off. That must

have made it worse? Yes it did. I didn't think about it being on the

screen. I just thought about the people in the room.

There were a lot of you getting your kit off. Including Bob and

Toby Jones. Yes, Toby. He was, Lloyd as well, but Bob didn't have

to take his clothes off for some of the scenes when they were shooting

us, but he still did. Because he is a filthy pervert!

Exclusive! Now, I read. I read something that Dame Judi Dench said

in the press about seeing you in that scene. Do you know what she

said? Were you cruel? What did you say? I have no idea! Well, don't

answer that yet, Will. Lights and music, please.

Will Young, you're a musician, an actor, but how much do you know

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 42 seconds

about Dame Judi Dench? Here is your I reckon, I reckon you said... B:

Ten out of ten! Oh, that has not got a good reaction, has it? Not

like an Argos pen? Final answer? Final answer.

You said ten out of ten. You could have had an Argos pen. You have

have been like a monster. B is the right answer! APPLAUSE.

Very good. Did you really say that? Yes.

Oh, yes, definitely. I can't imagine the situation where

someone asks you, what did you reckon on Will Young? Ten out of

ten! Thank you. That is all we have time for.

Great fun. So, you are singing something

special for us tonight? Yes, I wrote a song called Silent

Valentine on the album. So I'm going to do that tonight.

It is off the album, Echoes, it has done so well? Yes, it has been

doing so well. Silent Valentine is it written for

someone? About someone? Yes, it was written about an ex. Yes, and I ran

into him. Not in my car, I mean..., That is why it is Silent Valentine.

It's been lovely talking to you. Will, will you go and get ready.

The lit area awaits. Will you shove back up here now. In

a minute, we have the stories in the Big Red Chair, but first,

performing Silent Valentine. It is Will Young!

# Oh, I knew I'd run into you, I had that feeling

# There's a light in the room as you appear

# I'm in your shadow again # It's clear already

# I will try to not fall apart # Yeah

# So I'm asking quietly # Trying to look into your eyes

# It's what I'm feeling # You will always be my silent

Valentine # You'll always be my violent

Valentine # People coming around us, saying

oh, what a pair we make # It's been three years or maybe

more # It feels like a day

# Still you make my heartache # My words are frozen

# All this hurt runs down to my fears

# Walking away is the hardest thing to do

# But I most leave # It's what I'm feeling

# You'll always be my silent Valentine

# You'll always be my silent Valentine

# You'll always be my silent Valentine

# Oh,, you'll always be my silent Valentine

# Oh, you'll always be my silent Valentine. # APPLAUSE

Good! Good! Will Young, everybody! Well done.

Thank you so much. We were all in awe of you. Well

done. Will, here for you... What can I

say it is tragic but this makes me really happy! I love it at the end

of the sofa for Valentine's Day. Right, before we go... Alright love

birds. Time for a story or two in the Red Chair. Who is up first?

Hello. Hi, who are you? My name is Katherine.

Where are you from? I'm from Texas. Are you visiting? I live here now.

I have been here for three years. What do you do? I live here which

my husband. He works all over. We were in Turkey, Indonesia, now we

are in London in civilisation... APPLAUSE

That was your welcome to London hello.

I was against her early on. You are the worst kind of Tourist

Board. Terrible. Do we do another one out there? Oh,

hello. Now, I'm excited, they're excited! What is your name? I am

Annaleese. What do you do? I'm a student.

What are you a student of? I'm at Tell your story.

OK, so, me and my mum we are not very clever... We was... No!

went on holiday to hod. When we arriveded in -- to Holland. When we

arrived in Amsterdam Airport we were trying to find our luggage. We

followed this guy. In the end he went to the toilet and we waited

for him. That is terrible! I was so hoping

it was something brilliant at the end of that! We have no time for

anymore. Thank you to my guests, Will Young,

Sue Perkins, Dev Patel and Dame Judi Dench. Join me next week with