Episode 16 The Graham Norton Show

Haye. There is a real cool 70s vibe going on tonight. Why are you

dressed like that? Because it is the star of Boogie Nights is on the

show. Why are you dressed like that

Because the star of Hunky Dory is on the show.

Why are you dressed like that? Because I always dress like that!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello. Hello. Hello. Peace, man.

Welcome everybody. We have got a great show for you tonight. Oscar

nominated film star, Mark Wahlberg is here. I know! I know! Oscar

nominated actress, Minnie Driver is here. Comedian, Mark Watson is on

the show. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Plus we've got music from the wonderful, Christina Perri. Yes!

Yes! Now, Mark Wahlberg is going to be telling us about his new film,

Contraband. Now it is a thriller set in the world of international

drug smuggling. Now over the years smugglers have got ingenious ways

to conceal things. You might think this is an ordinary swan, but as

soon as the police have gone, she is off!

LAUGHTER It is a model from London Fashion

Week. Yeah, you're laughing now, but come the spring, we will all be

wearing birds on our heads. A Mexican man, right, to try and

smuggle himself across the border into America disguised himself as a

seat on the bus! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Once

Once they

Once they caught

Once they caught him,

Once they caught him, of course, you have got to feel sorry for him.

He had to sit there, he couldn't move him. People took pictures and

poked fun at him and laughed at him. He was lucky he got caught because

look who was waiting at the bus stop!

Let's get some guests on, later we will have music from the Gorge use,

Christina Perri. First, it is Mark Watson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, sir. Lovely to see you, have

a seat. Mark Watson. Plus it is Minnie Driver.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mwah. Mwah. And actor, producer and

now guest, it is Mark Wahlberg. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There they are. Mark, Minnie, Mark, Mark, Mark. And Mark Wahlberg

welcome to the show. It is the first time having you and welcome

to London, indeed. Yes, we good. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And are you OK? Have you just come from Australia? Yes, I'm very

jetlagged and hung over. Really? A double whammy.

That's good, isn't it? If I make no sense whatsoever, please forgive me.

Fit right in! Did you have fun in Australia or was it all work?

was all work. I was there for a day and we flew from Australia to Dubai

and Dubai to here. Oh my God. Yeah.

They treated you like an animal. I have been to prison.

Have you? Only for a short time, don't be nervous!

LAUGHTER It was long ago.

Minnie is all excited now., "Have You?". Do you like prison? No, but

I would love Prison Break. APPLAUSE

It sounds like your kids are a chip off the old block, didn't your kid

injury you, was it karate he did on you? Karate, boxing, whatever they

can do. Whatever they are choosing at the time.

So they are trying to hurt you? very much so.

Because how old are they? Five and three.

LAUGHTER It is like, "Dad, come on and let

me kick you in the nuts." They love to box. They love to fight, but my

three-year-old is terrified of his little sister.

Oh really? She is a biter. She puts the bite and the pinch on.

Are you a new dad, Mark Watson? kid is two today in fact.

Oh. Well... You say ah, some people would be there at the party, but

would be there at the party, but there we go.

LAUGHTER Hash tag, terrible father. Yeah, ah,

was not the noise that my wife made when I said I would be working. He

is too small, the big action is over by now.

Your wife will never let you live that douchblet she will say it is

OK, you better do some serious shopping. You know, it will be some

consolation, when he grouse up as a -- grows up as a damaged teenager

and he will say, "You were never there." I will say like, "It is BBC

One. I was on with Mark Wahlberg and Driver and what am I going to

do, go to your party with balloons." I saw him this afternoon

and I think he recognised me briefly.

How old is your son, Henry, Minnie? He is three.

Doesn't he give you advice? LAUGHTER

I am a single-parent. I am always trying to put together his toys

without, even the English is in Japanese, you know, with the

instructions with the toys. I was trying to put something together

the other day and I was there an hour and I was like, "Henry, it is

not happening." I am frustrated and I can't make this toy and I'm

really sorry. He went, "It is OK mummy, do you need a drink?"

I was trying to think of all the times he must have went, "Goodness,

I got to get a drink." LAUGHTER

Are you coming back to Britain? Would you like Henry to grow up

here? I would actually. I would love him to have part of his

education here because I had such a wicked time at school here. I loved

it. But this is the work? Is there enough work here? It is also, my

nice house in Hollywood would buy me a flat where my sister lives. I

might have been priced out of London. Yeah, it is scary expensive.

You could live in the north. Do you mean like Birmingham?

LAUGHTER You could go further north than

that. I have been on tour and there is a place called Edinburgh.

The weird thing about you going to Hollywood, I assumed work brought

you to Hollywood, but you just went to Hollywood? I went because I was

living in New York where I didn't know anyone and the one girl I knew

she found out her her boyfriend was having relationships with seven

other women and and she said she was going to LA to be a

screenwriter. I was 23, 24 and I was like, "I will come.". Was it

crazy young kids living in Hollywood? Yeah.

That's what it was like. Are you a fan of Entourage? I love

Entourage. It is fantastic. It scares me a bit.

How come you never appeared when we asked you? You never asked me.

That's a lie. He is kidding.

Oh, he is kidding. , "

"we never asked you." We would have if we knew she liked the show.

Was that the start of your producing career? I produced one

other film. It is based on you arriving in

Hollywood? Loosely based. You did have an Entourage? I still

have an Entourage. How do you get rid of an Entourage? You shake them

for a highly, but they end up coming back. I only owned one one

house my life and when I bought the house, I was planning on starting a

family. But as we were walking through the house and my friends

are walking around picking their rooms and I to break it it to them

that they wouldn't be moving in. You really find out who your

friends are. This will ruin our lives? I took a

room and I called it The Barracks and I put triple bunk beds in there.

You are way too nice. I do like having people - if I am

working, if somebody is going to be doing a job, I might as well have

someone in that I know and can trust.

Did they visit you on set? Oh my God, they were on the boat and

someone said, "I smell something wrong here." They were smoking pot

in the engine room. I was like, "What are you guys doing? You are

going to get my fired?" Laying on machinery and and stuff.

Programme did resonate with you that the mix you with the young

star set? I wasn't hanging out with that many starry people. Our house

was just, it was, you know, it is where everyone ended up. I mean if

they weren't at his place! LAUGHTER

They were around at ours. There must be lots of perks, but

one of the down sides of doing that, is if you are dating people in

Hollywood that when you stop seeing them, you don't stop seeing them

like they are still on magazine covers... You can't get away with

this. Does that happen to you? was funny and there was an occasion

when I was driving down Sunset Boulevard and my sister went, "Oh

my God, you shagged that whole billboard.". Oh dear. Listen, Mark

Wahlberg congratulations on Contraband because it has been a

hit in the States and it is opening here on the 16th March. What am I

doing here? Because you came back from Australia very early.

Now it is a big thriller like I was saying, it is about smuggling. Do

you want to give us a hint of the story, a whiff of the story?

If I have to! Yes, go on.

You don't have to. I have been talking about it a lot

and I'm pretty tired of talk being Let's go through these questions.

LAUGHTER You maybe talking about it a bit

more. It does sound amazing. It is a remake of an Icelandic film.

We saw the original and I obtained the rights. It is about a guy who

is a world-class smuggler and he goes to have a family and turns his

life around and he has a brother- in-law who is not smart and he

tries to smuggle things for dangerous people and customs board

the boat and I have to smuggle something to save his ass.

You filmed in Panama where it is lawless. Was that dangerous? We got

off the plane and we were free to do whatever we want. We had machine

guns and riding around the streets and nobody regulated what we were

doing. No policeman came up and said, "Why

are you having a major gunfight?". One guy asked me if I was somebody

else and that was it. His mate who killed his brother?

thought I was a guy from some other show!

LAUGHTER I just said no. And then I tried to

convince him I was Johnny Depp! Contraban, we have got a clip of

Contraband and this is you having one of your many confrontations. It

You don't come to my place. I just came to tell you that I'm

going to have your money within a month so stay away... I ain't

waiting that long. I ain't paying if he is dead.

family inherits the debt and and I will give you two weeks. I will

come down the line, I will ask your kids for it, your... You think you

are the only guy with the gun. If you ever mention my wife and my

kids again, you're done. Do you hear me? You are done.

Good fight. APPLAUSE

He is a method actor, but he doesn't like to go method when he

is getting his ass kicked. I had to crank up the volume on him a bit.

You really enjoy those fights? don't enjoy getting beaten up.

It must be odd for you now because you are accepting, as you said, you

are a family man, you are a dad, you're getting older. Wasn't there

a confusion with a script recently? Oh my God. I got a call from my

agent saying that Paramount have this movie they want me to do. A

young guy and an older guy. I just played golf with Jack Nicholson and

maybe I will ask Jack to play the part. They call me and say what do

you think about Garent? For what? The younger guy. To have made it to

40 was an accomplishment, but I didn't expect that.

They have announced the casting for the young guy now? No, this was

another movie, while they were making me feel bad, I pitched them

idea of me and Justin Bieber and they bought it within three seconds

of me mentioning his name. And every time I see him, it is like,

"Yo, where is my script?" He is ready to go and I think he will be

good. When I have mentioned the idea of me and him him doing a

movie people go, "Oh my God, Justin Bieber, what are you thinking."

They used to say that about me all the time when I was Marky Mark. I

was willing to go and do the work and one project at a time and be

surrounded by talented people and I could learn and grow as an tobg

torment -- actor. He has been here, when you talk to

him, he was practising dance moves in the mirror? My daughter is eight

years old and so she wants me to take her to meet people she likes.

I am embarrassed enough and I have to go and meet Justin Bieber and he

jumps on the table and he is doing all these moves. I have to go over

there and try and introduce myself and it is like, "I am too cool

shit." I take my daughter to the Teen Choice Awards and I say can I

take a fick -- can you take a picture of my daughter? You will do

anything for your kids. Now she hates Justin Bieber.

LAUGHTER When I even mention it and the only

reason she doesn't like him because this Celina Gomez came into the

picture. In terms of parenting, you found a

very extreme way of teaching your kids that maybe they should think

long and hard about getting a tattoo, haven't you? I realised

afterwards, this is not going to work. My mother told me not to get

tattoos and I thought she didn't know what the hell she was talking

about. Cut, 20 years later I am having them removed by the the

laser procedure which is painle, but I took my kids on a couple of

the appointments for the procedure so they could see how much pain it

was causing me, but they didn't care.

Are you getting all your tattoos off? I get them all done and all at

the same time. It is literally burning your flesh.

And you smell the skin burning. It is like a welt that raises your

skin like that much and they have to wrap me up like a mummy, because

I have one here, around my neck and on my back and on my leg.

Are they not meant to take skin off your bum? No, that is a skin graft.

I would have done it if I could have gotten it off your ass. After

the first time, I was like, "I am not going back.". Why do you have

to keep going back? If you get a tattoo it is one sitting, the

doctor told me, it was five to seven visits, I have been 33 times.

Why are you having them taken off? Shit happens at 40. Sorry to

interrupt you. It is reminding me, there was a fashion show at the end

of the tattoo expo where they do a catwalk with the people with their

tattoos and this lady came out and she was 80 if she was a day, stark

naked, shaved, tattooed from her toe to say her neck and it looked

like she had Marilyn Monroe on her boobs, but it looked like marlin

had a terrible stroke. So the whole audience was going. She came out

almost like it's - it was so awful. You think it would stop you

Another good way of warning kids against tattoos is to show them

really bad tattoos. Here are some pictures of people who they really

know the true meaning of the word regret, these people, they are hard

to get rid of. Like look at this one. Yeah!

LAUGHTER There is one thing you regret a

tattooist that couldn't spell. Animals are popular. Very, very

popular. What do you have by the way? I have got a rose, but I

missed getting a leaping tiger with scratch marks and blood droppinging

down. So you are going to have a tiger

scratching your ass? It could have been worse, but it is a proper

stripper's tat. And it did not fade like everyone told me it would.

Animals, animals are very popular in tattoos, here is a dolphin and

unicorn together. LAUGHTER

And I mean together! LAUGHTER

Look at that. It just makes a mockery of the

rainbow, doesn't it? Unless the unicorn is giving the dolphin the

manoeuvre where tuna has gone down the wrong way.

LAUGHTER Minnie thought it through. It is

hard to have sex if you haven't existed in real life.

At least make it accurate. LAUGHTER

Now, you do think a tattoo of a cat. Everyone loves cats. Oh, a nice

tattoo of a cat, that would be lovely. No one is going to be

offended by a tattoo of a cat, No.!

Who would do that? Oh my God. That takes a very

special individual. Doesn't it? If I had that tattoo, I

wouldn't remove it. That's a keeper. I love the expression on the cat's

face like, "What are you looking at?"

APPLAUSE Minnie Driver, Minnie Driver,

welcome home. Thank you. You've come home because you have

made a really lovely, lovely, it is such a sweet, nostalgic, gorgeous

British film. No one dies, Mark.

Very little people die in your movie? In my movie? Some people do

die. It is OK.

Come on. That's all he wants to talk about. Contraband this.

Contraband that. I have got to keep him happy. Shut up about your movie,

God. LAUGHTER

Hunky Dory, it is in colour and everything, you would like it, Mark.

Do they speak? Just about. We sing. You do a lot of singing, but God

love you, you had to do an an accent? I did.

A big one? Yeah, it is not easy, the Welsh accent.

Did you know you could do it? love Gavin and Stacey. It is

cracking. I thought I would have a go. Tidy!

APPLAUSE Because if anyone has got a Welsh

accent, Mark Watson, are you Welsh or not? I don't know me self, these

days. My mum is Welsh, but when I started as a stand-up, I used to

have a strong Welsh accent because I exaggerated because it is funny

and I got invited to a dinner for young Welsh achievers and I

shouldn't have gone and everyone was speaking Welsh and I was in all

sorts of trouble. I could count to three, but that doesn't get you far

through dinner. Did you phrase it out or stop?

me, it was a big thing, if I tell me I haven't got a Welsh accent, it

turns out no one gave a shit. It is almost that I'm not as famous

as I previously thought! Hunky Dory, it is very good. I say

like that like I know, but I thought it was good. Hunky Dory is

really lovely. It is set in 1976 which was the big hot, long summer.

It was. It has a real 70s feel. It looks

like it was filmed in the 70s? Because we had to make it look hot

and it wasn't that hot and they used fillers and beautiful things

to make it look boiling. It has that yellowed tinge of the 70s.

Now, it is lovely. And it is out on the 2nd March.

Next Friday. Do we have a clip? We are going to

go to a clip. Here you go.

Where is everyone? It's Friday. Well, Stella says she

would be here. Well, she is not, is she? Miss I

have got to go to training. What? I have got trials coming up.

Can't you wait a bit longer? can't, I promised.

See you Monday. What about me Miss? It is Friday, I

have got a date. That's very funny. It is not a joke.

Let's try it again. Remember the quavers. Quavers. One, two, three,

four. # To the girl with the mousy hair

# But her money is yellow # And her daddy has told her to go

APPLAUSE There is a lot of singing in it.

She sings. A lot of singing. But the kids play the music. It was

all recorded live, all the vocals and everything.

Neurin barn ard? You are too young, like the toys and the sweets, it is

well observed. What's that thing? You just did

that and it went ooooh. Did that have a name? We called it the

whirly dick actually. We didn't call it that. I'm playing

with my whirly dick, mummy. It is ironic you are playing a

teacher. Is your dad a teacher? dad is a teacher. He doesn't need

any introduction. He is head of science in Bristol. Head of science,

take that! APPLAUSE

30 years in the game, but it was worth the wait.

Is he like a very strict teacher? Is he one of the kids? Luckily he

is cool. I mean he is 60 this year. He gave me lots of good advice. He

managed my expectations. It was like if you prepare your kids for a

hard life. For example, I would be coming home from school and my

father was like would you rather Father Christmas didn't exist or

your mum was dad? Obviously, I would prefer that Father Christmas

didn't exist. Good news! LAUGHTER

That's what it is all about. Managing expectation. If I miss

anymore birthday parties, yes, I'm just managing your expectation.

A a cool dad. Is it it true that you accompanied your daughter on a

date? No, we had a school dance. She is

only eight, dude. Oh no, I did take her to the movies

with this kid. Thank you.

He didn't say a single word. He didn't say a word. I went with her

and his dad came. We spent the... It explains the atmosphere.

We spent the time talking and chatting and they didn't say a word.

I remember a date when both dads were there.

She is never going on one without . Did they sit together? Yeah, they

sat side by side. What movie did they go to see?

Tangled. Did he choose it, did she? No, I

did and I cried! LAUGHTER

Now do you tweet? You do tweet. Mark Watson, of all

the comics we have had on the show, you use social media more than

anyone else? I I tweet a lot and this could be a big day for my

Twitter life. How many followers have you got? Not that many.

I bet you have? All right. Your whole show is based around...

Yeah, there is a thing when you come to my show, there is one of

those QR things on the screen, it is like a funny barcode and you can

scan it and you can send me information about people you are

with. I overheard two people before my show and they had an argument

and they were both none of them wanting to be there and it is

disheartening and the woman said, "I didn't want to come." If we

don't like it, we'll go to Nando's, I got my revenge in the show by

referring to it. It is like being Derren Brown, but no mind skills,

but just pure cheating. It is time consuming for me to spy on my

agents. I encourage people to spy foe me, there is stuff happening

and you can be texting, it is fun. I like people to not relax too much.

I don't want people to come and relax and have a nice evening. I

want them to be psychologically troubled by the whole experience.

People want to know stuff. Minnie, you tweet about your son a

lot. I do. I tweet things Henry says.

Yes, but you are you are sweet? is incredible having a kid and

having them comment on your life in particular.

Have a drink! Because we were monitoring your

treats and we know that Minnie was looking forward to being here.

Later on, we will see if she had a nice time!

I can't wait to get this out of the way.

You did tweet a couple of pictures that made us laugh. Have you seen

the awkward moment pictures? First one Minnie did was... This is

the cocktail party one. This is the awkward moment when

your friend's fat arm makes you look naked.

Brilliant. LAUGHTER

That's her elbow there. LAUGHTER

That is an awkward moment. However, I this a more awkward moment. This

is the awkward moment when your friend's thumb makes you look like

a tranny. This is so unfortunate. Don't xain, it is a -- -- complain,

it is a thumb. It is him holding his drunk.

LAUGHTER -- drink. This is one we found and

feel free to tweet us later. It is that awkward moment when you

realise that your dog looks like a penis.

It does remind me of you and Boogie Nights. I think I have done very

well to last the whole show not mentioning. Oh, there you are in

Boogie Nights. Is it true that you still have, I'm guessing it was a

prosthetic... What do you mean? It is one of the only props I've kept

from a film. Is it on the wall? No. No. It is locked away in a safe.

It is too valuable. What would my kids say if they saw that thing?

They would punch it! At some point I might have to pull it out and

slap them on the head with it if they keep misbehaving.

That would be terrible if you came home and found them playing with it.

It was really awkward because when I had to go to to prosthesis place

and I had to stand there and be fitted for it and the guys that do

the effects on movies are kind of geeky and they are what... No

offence! Absolutely furious.

So it was very awkward to go there and stand there.

Fiddling with you. It needs to fit you all the time.

Well, you have to, well, no, you are not getting hard with this

thing. It is very awkward and very uncomfortable and I only wore it

two days. The the first time they had to try different ones. They

tried various sizes both length and girth so it was a big pain in the

ass actually. LAUGHTER

You said it now! LAUGHTER

But it was just very awkward and uncomfortable.

Oh dear. Now listen, it is time to sit up because there is a young

lady who is going to sing for us now. Before this week's stories in

the famous red chair, we're going to hear one of my my favourite

songs of the last few months and I'm thrilled she is going to sing

it live. Singing Jar Of Hearts, it # I know I can't take one more step

towards you # Cause all that's waiting is

regret # And don't you know I'm not your

ghost anymore? # You lost the love I loved the

most # I've learned to live, half-alive

# Now you want me one more time # And Who do you think you are?

# Running 'round leaving scars # Collecting your jar of hearts

# Tearing love apart # You're gonna catch a cold

# From the ice inside your soul # Don't come back for me

# Who do you think you are # I hear you're asking all around

# If I am anywhere to be found # I have grown too strong

# To ever fall back in your arms # I've learned to live, half-alive

# Now you want me one more time # And who do you think you are?

# Running 'round leaving scars # Collecting your jar of hearts

# Tearing love apart # You're gonna catch a cold

# From the ice inside your soul # Don't come back for me

# Don't come back at all # Who do you think you are?

# Dear, it took so long # Just to feel alright

# Remember how to put back # The light in my eyes

# I wish I had missed # The first time that we kissed

# Cause you broke all your promises # And now you're back

# You don't get to get me back # And who do you think you are?

# Running 'round leaving scars # Collecting your jar of hearts

# Tearing love apart # You're gonna catch a cold

# From the ice inside your soul # Don't come back for me

# Don't come back at all # Who do you think you are?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Christina Perri, ladies and

gentlemen. Fantastic. Come and join us, dude.

Very good. Mind the smoke! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we go. Lovely. Come and join There is another step. And that's

Mark, Minnie, and Mark, Minnie, Mark, sit yourself down and thank

you so much for singing that so beautifully and playing the piano

now. That's from your album which is out now? Thank you.

Cristina got ink, lots of it. Are they all real?

Oh, I see. They are real.

I tell people that all the time because they ask.

They seem quite random? Yes, they look like drawings so I understand

why they ask. How long have you been getting

tattoos? I am 25 and I got my first one when I was 15.

Which one is your first one? It is on the back of my neck, it is a

little cross. Yeah, she is telling the truth.

Is it The Beatles you have got? This is my second tattoo, it says,

John, Paul and Ringo. I went to a Catholic school and I was sitting

and this isn't a lie, in my on class and my teacher came over and

picks up my hand and I'm thinking, "Oh Cap, I'm in trouble." He was,

"John, Paul," the the Pope, he never turned it over and saw Ringo.

The red chair and and who is up first. Hi, what's your name? Suzie.

Just pull this leaver. When you are bored. When you have

heard enough! LAUGHTER

Be good. I am not giving it long, Suzie. He

is pretty trigger-happy. OK, what do you do, Suzie? I work in digital

Leave the leaver. LAUGHTER

OK, off you go with your story quickly.

So I was on a date with a guy, who I wasn't bothered, I only put tan

on the top half of my body and I was wearing a pear of trousers...

Trousers and we went to the bar... This is fantastic.

Holy shit, I got to get one of these at home!

LAUGHTER She had self-tanner. She only

tanned the top half of her body because she wasn't into him.

Nothing down below. LAUGHTER

The pants came came off, but probably not, because there was

anything interesting. We will never know!

Someone else. Hi. Hello. Off you go.

One more. One more. Oh no.

That's fantastic. I love it. Can we have one more? I will take my time.

I Love her. I am going to buy her dinner.

All day, she has been thinking if I get this story started, it is so

amazing. Her new career will start as a TV

personality. Hi.

Oh, you poor thing. LAUGHTER

What's your name? Anna. Oh, look alher. -- look at her.

And what do you do? I am a student. Of? English literature

Lovely. Yeah, now we're talking. OK. OK. You're going to go soon!

LAUGHTER OK, OK, off you go with this story,

Anna. It was the first time I had been

skiing so I didn't know what the hell I was doing and the instructor

pointed to the right and I lost control and I went careering off

into a car park and I knocked this man over and it turned out it was

Will Smith. LAUGHTER

And he was really nice about it. Do you want me to pull the leaver?

No. No. No. This is fantastic.

We will be seeing him in Pontius Pilate in the movie soon.

OK, is that a moustache? A beard. One more.

We're done. We're done. If you would like to join us on the

show, you can log on to our website show, you can log on to our website

at this address. We maybe selling the chair to Mark

Wahlberg and it won't be here next week! I absolutely love that.

Thanks to all my guests tonight, Christina Perri, ladies and