Episode 17 The Graham Norton Show


Episode 17

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I don't know, but I have been told # I don't know, but I have been

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told - # Tonight's show will be chat show

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gold # Tonight's show will be chat show

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gold # The guests are back

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# They're ready to go # It's time to start the show

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# It's time to start the show # Oh! Oh, oh! Oh! Hello, everybody!

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Welcome.. Had He laughs) Oh, more tired than I thought being

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a Marine. Yes, we've got our marching orders because the star of

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Private Benjamin, Goldie Hawn, is here.

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APPLAUSE And making his first visit to the

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show, one of my favourite actors, High Fidelity and Con Air star John

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Cusack is here. Yes. APPLAUSE

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The always hilarious Marcus Brigstocke is on the show.

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APPLAUSE Plus, we have music from the best

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British band in this week's NME Awards. Kasabian are here. Kasabian,

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so cool! So cool, really cool, man, yeah, a big band! Now, looking

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forward to meeting John Cusack. He has been in so many great films,

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including the climate change epic 2012 - oh! 2012 - it was all about

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the world ending in 20 - well, that's this year.

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LAUGHTER Jesus, God. What are we doing here?

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The film explains how this year - this year - climate change will

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destroy the planet. It will be massive volcanic activity,

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earthquakes, floods, but on the plus side, hasn't it been a lovely

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February? Hasn't it? Really unseasonably warm, wasn't it? I

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have seen daffodils, I have. I have! In the film, the end of the

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world is triggered by a megatsunami - it is. It is. Now, I don't know

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exactly what will cause the massive tidal wave in 2012, but here is

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Bulgaria's high-diving team for the Olympics.

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LAUGHTER Oh, Tom Daley's let himself go,

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hasn't he? One whiff of puberty - bluh! The moral of 2012 is, we've

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got to look after the planet. We do. There is a lot of energy-saving

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advice around - keep the lights off. Keep the air conditions off, don't

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wash, only eat cold food - basically, go on a Costa cruise.

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LAUGHTER Got to feel sorry for them. Poor

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things. Now, the other thing you can do is

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give your garden a Mediterranean make-over, yeah. That's what I've

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done. I have. I have put in an olive tree, a lemon tree, a man

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called Miguel - LAUGHTER

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Let's get some guests on, ladies and gentlemen. Later on, we're

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going to meet Kasabian. But first, he's a very funny stand-up - it's

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Marcus Brigstocke. There he is. Hello, sir. Hello. Very good to see

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you. Really nice to see you. Have a seat. Have a seat. I am very well.

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Here's Johnny! It's the man of the night, John Cusack! Oh, oh, oh!

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Really nice to meet you. And you. Absolutely. Welcome to Marcus

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Brigstocke. And I am so excited I've got the Hawn - it's Goldie

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Hawn. APPLAUSE

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So nice to see you! There you go. A sandwich. Sit yourself down. Lovely.

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Oh - I brought my little glass just in case. Phew, for emergencies.

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were the first person I was aware of fancying, and I was only seven.

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Oh, my God. When I saw Private Benjamin. It was a non-sexual thing.

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Me too. I saw Private Benjamin, and I just felt like I wanted to be

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near you. Oh, that's so sweet! serious. And now look! You're

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blushing. You're blushing, Marcus. I'm so not blushing. Do you still

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have the uniform or no? I just threw those pants out awhile ago.

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Really? Oh, I loved those pants. Was there a sequel to Private

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Benjamin? # No, there wasn't

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# No there was! # No, there was no sequel. They're trying to make it

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over again now. Oh, no. Or a remake of it, and then there was actually

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a TV show they did. The original Private Benjamin - does that end up

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in France? Yes, it does. Oh, how weird because I watched that second

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half of it in a hotel recently and thought this must be a sequel.

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France - in whatever that place is - not Paris but... Geneva...

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Versailles... Another part of France. Burgundy. Disney World...

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No, it's where the seat of the Government is, where the seat of...

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Brussels. That's not France. That's Belgium.

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Close, though. Stick to Paris. I love Paris.

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an exciting week. We have an Oscar winner amongst our midst. Did you

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go this year? No, I didn't go this year. I was in my fabulous

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comfortable clothes with my family and friends, and we watched it

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which is my favourite thing to do - no hair no, makeup, lots of wine,

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lots of laughs in our back room. You don't seem like you like awards

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shows. Have you taken against them? No. I like some of the movies. I

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don't like hype about movies. I like to actually just watch the

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movies. And sometimes around Oscar time, they take a big shotgun and

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load up all of their marketing money and start blowing the movie

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at you, and it's kind of nice to see the movie on its own terms.

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Sometimes when you see those big winning movies, you're like, really,

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this? This is the beginning -- winning movie? Like this year.

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was one of those? I don't - what would you vote for? You probably

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did vote. I did vote. What did you vote for? The Artist. Did you?

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thought The Artist was extraordinary. It was a great film

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- innovative and interesting and well-directed and beautifully

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scored. It was a sensual experience all the way around - emotional and

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physical - emotionally, physically - you know? The sound was all

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aCongress when I went. You couldn't... It was? It was good

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otherwise. LAUGHTER

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I liked it. I thought it was... "I liked it"? So you weren't uplifted

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by it? No. I am saying you're reacting to the hype of the movie,

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not the movie. Exactly. (CRASH)

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How big was that handbag? Have you come out with a fringe?

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LAUGHTER Fantastic that while we're talking

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about a silent film, an almighty clunk... When you're at the Oscars,

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the big story, oddly, was Angelina Jolie's leg. Did you see this? It's

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been a... I have seen it before. LAUGHTER

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I was in a movie with her, so I saw that. Just in case you have

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forgotten her leg - she looks like a pirate Queen or something: it's a

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very odd look. That's definitely her leg? Definitely. That happened

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on Sunday. By morning, the internet had doctored it to produce this.

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That's like a pleaa. I was just going to say that. It's a Demi-

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pleaa. Dance is her life. But now her legs are on An twitter account.

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They have a Twitter account. Just the one leg. And Angelina Jolie -

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legs? There is a thing now called leg bombing where Angelina Jolie's

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leg is Photoshoped on to other people. So we have some examples of

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Sexy, right? I love this one - they also went through history. They

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went back in time. It really works. Yes. Yeah. Not everyone got the

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idea of the leg bombing, though, because, like, this one -

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LAUGHTER See, that wouldn't have happened.

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No. That's a stupid - yeah. What's she doing on the moon? Like a

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Clanger! Then finally some geek at home - "You know what would be

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great - if I could match her leg up precisely with one of the legs on

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Black Beauty - that would be Yeah. It was a move definitely.

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The... Yeah. I mean, you have to negotiate - like, the dress was

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designed for that, but your leg and your brain have to work together to

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know where the entrance is to the opening of -

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So - and furthermore! LAUGHTER

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That's like an acceptance speech. Anyway, I thought she did a great

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job. She looked lovely. It's odd to see a leg hanging in space. I had

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one thrown at me. Did you? A leg, yeah. I did a show in Birmingham

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many years ago. I thought it was going pretty well, but the audience

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weren't totally on side with that. LAUGHTER

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A guy was so angry, he decided he wasn't going to bother heckling. He

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took off his prosthetic leg and just flung it at me. No? Seriously.

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If that's true, I think that makes you one of the greatest comedians

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ever. Bless your heart. That's true. It sounds like it might be true.

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It's totally true. That's the worst best thing I have ever heard.

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host of the show, a very, very funny guy, he had this material - I

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was on with this guy, Marcus Brigstocke and he had a leg thrown

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- made routine out of it. A year later I went on stage at Gloucester,

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and before it started, John had been on the week before, someone on

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this side said, "Did you have a leg thrown at you once?" I said "Yes,

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as it happens, I did." While I was talking to him, boom, like a Rafter.

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That'll teach you. You'll be known throughout your career of having

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all of these artificial legs thrown at you. Rogue legs. You worked with

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Angelina Jolie and got to do the kissing - Pushing Tin? Yes. As good

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as advertised? It was acting. It was a nice day at the office - I

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think that's a nice way to say it, don't you think, right? Being a

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gentleman. Nice day at the office - pretty much what it's like.

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have kissed your husband - not your husband, but Curt on screen? Yes.

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That movie we did together - Swing Shift was where we fell in love.

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That's more than acting. That's more than acting. I kissed Angelina

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Jolie, and she fell in love with Billy Bob Thornton. I don't know

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what that says about me. That's weird, document it? That still eats

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away at you, doesn't it? LAUGHTER

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No, but that was - when you kiss on screen - your second day at the

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office - it really is, because you kiss, but even though you're

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falling in love, right, or that you're kissing offcamera, if you

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will, once you're on camera, you don't really feel that. You're just

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really hitting the mark and being there and so on. Curt and I were

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doing a love scene, a hot and heavy love scene. He's making love to me.

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We're lying down and kissing. He was supposed to off camera pull my

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panties up. We don't need to get the pineapple, do we? Get the

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pineapple ready! Just in case. LAUGHTER

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Pineapple is on standby. It's on standby. So what happened was that

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when I did that - no. When I was - he - I was leaning down, and he

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pulls my underpants off, right? But he didn't realise that I had

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another pair of underpants on, so now it became that clown where you

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kept pulling the underpants off one after the other, and it was a break

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for lunch laugh. I mean, we couldn't stop laughing, so you'd

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think that when people are kissing like that they're actually into it,

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but you're not - even if you are in love. Ahh! Was that a good story?

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Yes, it was. It involved someone pulling your pants off. What's not

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to enjoy? What I'm really hoping is that the first time I picked up the

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pineapple doesn't make the edit so it just cuts to you telling that

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story, and for no reason at all - I would be looking for an

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artificial leg to throw at you at the end of the show. We should have

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thought of that. What a lazy week we've had at the August. Marcus,

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put that pine ap apple down otherwise the show is impossible.

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We've lost control. Just keep lifting up different bits of fruit.

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We must get down to business. It's chaty chaty. Your film, sir. The

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Raven, it's out on Friday 9th March. Yes. It has elements of horror.

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It's like a gothic thriller. Yes. Is that fair? It's the Godfather of

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Goth he invented the detective Johnray, among other things. He was

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a real literary giant. The story is about him in the last four days of

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his life. No-one know what is happened to him in the last four

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days of his life. The story fictionalises that there was a

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serial killer who recreated his stories. The police thought Poe did

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it. Have you to use Poe to deacon instruct his own 120-- story.

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Unbelievable stuff. It covers these last four days. Is that pure

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imagination the story? Nobody knows what happened to him. He woke up in

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someone else's clothes on a park bench, muttering something about

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Reynolds. Did he take Ambion? don't think... A combination he was

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known to be overserved. I see. was a big drinker. I hear you, John.

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We have a little clip. It's near the beginning when the police

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inspector is filling out -- figuring out... Luke Evans.

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Terrific actor. Am I under arrest? No. Not as yet. I'd rather stand

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because it makes it easier to leave. I am license I am a reader of your

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work. I admit that many of my admirers have tkwon gone to great

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lengths to meet me. I didn't see I was an admirer. Yet, you read them?

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The night before last a young girl and a mother were found murdered.

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The daughter's body was lodgeed in a chimney. The mother's head was

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severed with a razor. Does any of this sound familiar to you, Mr Poe?

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You are talking about my story. Work of fiction. I'm afraid I'm not.

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APPLAUSE People shouldn't get a wrong idea.

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There is a lot of action in the movie, fighting, running, dancing,

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horse riding. Do you enjoy all that? Does it come easy to you?

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you get a chance to do physical stuff it's great. Usually, it's,

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you know, you have to gate good movie to do good stuff in. You like

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extreme sports? Before I get too old it's nice to move around.

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extreme sports, some of the stuff you have done. Didn't you drive,

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was it a helicopter or a plane you drove into a her kain? Well, I got

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on board, there is a... Every time there is a hurricane the National

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Weather Service flies planes into the hurricanes. They are called the

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hurricane hunters. They drop balls that have something in it that

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attracts the hurricane. For a bet? To track the hurricanes they drop

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the radar things and they keep flying hurricanes planes through

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the hurricanes. I decided it would be a good idea to hitch a ride on

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one of the planes. Do they do the same announcements like, "please

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fasten your seatbelts we're experiencing a hurricane?"

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wasn't really very comforting. I went to the front of the plane.

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There are these old planes from the 60s, propel Orleans not jet engines.

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They do better in hurricanes for some reason They are less expensive

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when they crash. There was something hanging off the nose of.

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It it was masking tape. They were like "yeah, it's called hurricane

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metal". I was like "OK". They fly them every hurricane. There was

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always one going through it. Was it bumpy? It was kind of bumpy.

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Serious turbulence or middle turbulence? The most turbulence.

:19:45.:19:53.

You should try Ryanair. It's similar. There are no seats. Do you

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do extreme sports? I cross country ski and down hill ski I'm cautious.

:19:59.:20:09.
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Marcus, I never imagined you are sporty, but you are? Well... You do

:20:09.:20:15.

wake boarding. We have proof of weight boarding. Yeah, look at that.

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Are you skiing behind a car ferry. What is that rope attached to?

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very tall, very fast swimmer. No, it's up... When you're weight

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boarding there is a pole on the back of the boat. When you hate the

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wake and do your jumps you are lifted up. Someone asked me to do

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that with the parachute on the wake board. That looks like... Kite

:20:43.:20:47.

boarding. I'm diing to do that. That looks like it would kill you.

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You think it would rip your arms off. That is what I don't

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understand. You will be torn apart. Most of the pull on that you're

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strapped on to a har necessary. With that one, with weight boarding

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you have to hold on yourself. you skydived or jumped out of an

:21:05.:21:10.

aeroplane. I did the bungy thing. fell down an escalator. It's all

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right. It takes you back up so... Where did you bungy jump? I can't

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remember the area. They had a huge thing. They lifted you up. You had

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to self-release. Then you fall. I thought, "I'm not going to do this

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again". The popularity of bungy jumping must have gone down after

:21:32.:21:40.

the woman who bungy jumped when the chord snapped. She went down the

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river with her feet bound together. You say ahh that is a sad story. If

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someone dies on the top of Mount Everest I don't feel sorry for them.

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You are not supposed to be up there. I'm sorry, you decided to go up

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there. Human beings... They should not be bungy jumping over a

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crocodile invested river and a bad thing happens. I wish them well.

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She did survive. Yes. Bits of her did anyway. You love the

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snowboarding? Snowboarding is the big thing. That I'm obsessed with.

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I love it. The altitude festival, when I was a club comic years ago I

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figured out that a week off work to go snowboarding was expensive. I

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called a guy in the Alps I said, how come I tell jokes and you pay

:22:34.:22:40.

for me to go sliding? I do it now every year. For 11 years. That is a

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:22:50.:22:51.

big festival. This year Altitude has Jimmy, Carr. FrankieBoyle...

:22:51.:22:56.

I'm a long way down that list, whatever! It's great. All the

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comics go up on the hill and ride... Tell jokes in the evening. Perfect.

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Will this be the stuff you are doing in Edinburgh? I'm writing a

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new show called the Brigs Society. Based on the Big Society

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ideological rip-off. It's taking the idea. Our Government, what they

:23:17.:23:27.
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have done, they've ruined APPLAUSE

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The banks falling apart. What they did, the previous Government tiered

:23:38.:23:42.

up, this one has ruined it with the help of Nick Clegg, who we ought

:23:42.:23:46.

all thought was nice tosm explain Nick Clegg is like the Tim Henman

:23:46.:23:52.

of British politics. No-one really wanted him to win, then he did. Now

:23:52.:24:01.

we all hate him. That sounds like the entire Republican party.

:24:01.:24:07.

exciting to see which lunatic is... Why don't they go to an asylum and

:24:07.:24:12.

take which everyone has smeared the most faeces on their trousers and

:24:12.:24:20.

run for the Republican Party. may It's funny until one of them

:24:20.:24:26.

becomes President. It's like, ha, ha, really, they are in charge!

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writing a show based on the idea of the big society taking it as a

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positive. Don't sugar coat it. Tell them how you feel. I won't. I'm

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expecting many, many limbs to be flung at me during this... Not by

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me. That is August in Edinburgh? will start in Augustus. It will

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tour throughout the rest of the year. Very good. Goldie Hawn, you

:24:51.:24:55.

have been away. You are back with a book? Yes. Back with a book. Yes,

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you have. Ten Mindful Minutes. It took you about nine mindful years

:25:03.:25:08.

to write? Not really. Well, you did... I started the foundation for

:25:08.:25:12.

children about nine years ago, you're right. The foundation, what

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we are doing is bringing more wellbeing to children in the

:25:15.:25:19.

classroom. Teaching them to become stress-free to recognise stress.

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Learn about their brain. Become more emotionally stable. Which is

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how children actually have an opportunity to learn. Is it like a

:25:27.:25:33.

guide to parenting? This one was simulated by parents coming to me

:25:33.:25:37.

and saying, we need this programme because our children are doing well.

:25:37.:25:41.

They are bringing us reasons to calm down. They are giving us tools.

:25:41.:25:45.

We need this programme. I wrote this, basically, extrapolated from

:25:45.:25:50.

the programme called Mind-Up. Tens of thousands of children are

:25:50.:25:54.

experiencing in Canada and the US and Australia. Now, we are bring it

:25:54.:26:01.

to the UK. We are launching Mind-Up, the curriculum right here in the UK.

:26:01.:26:06.

OK. I don't know how familiar you are with British children. Before

:26:06.:26:11.

you introduce Mind-Up over here you should be aware they set fire to

:26:11.:26:21.
:26:21.:26:21.

London. They are setting fire to... How old are your children? They are

:26:21.:26:27.

six and nine. Right. At this stage it's not really parenting, it's

:26:27.:26:32.

more crowd control. I'm a dad who is around during the day, which

:26:32.:26:39.

means I'm treated with a great deal of suspicion. I'm posh and posh

:26:39.:26:46.

people treat the same -- their children the same as they do

:26:46.:26:49.

children. Send them away and when it comes back it's bigger. I'm

:26:49.:26:55.

around with my kids. I took my daughter to the park. I have facial

:26:55.:26:59.

hair. A lot of the posh mummies are suspicious of me anyway. I was

:26:59.:27:05.

pushing my daughter. Making all the noises you would hope for "higher"

:27:05.:27:10.

at the top of the swing she shouted "I could kick Jesus from here".

:27:10.:27:17.

Over the moon, delighted. All the posh mummies going "come on, we're

:27:17.:27:23.

leaving". I'm not a parent. It would be so terrifying because I

:27:23.:27:29.

know all the incredibly stupid, dangerous, I deserve to die

:27:29.:27:36.

situations... Of course. I was a treacherous little man. It's a

:27:36.:27:41.

disaster. You need order. As a kid that is what they are doing. You

:27:41.:27:46.

are at home powerless to stop them. It would drive you mad. It's very

:27:46.:27:50.

scary. Not to labour this. It's not showbusiness this particular story,

:27:50.:27:53.

in terms of children themselves, if they don't learn how their brains

:27:53.:27:57.

are working, they don't know that when they are in that dangerous

:27:57.:28:02.

period they take those chances. Those kids get killed in cars. That

:28:02.:28:06.

is the part of the brain that is not finished yet. Part is it to

:28:07.:28:13.

know not yourself, but your brain. Have you considered introducing

:28:13.:28:19.

these principles to bankers? When they screw up, then they learn...

:28:19.:28:24.

It won't work. They don't experience any of the pain.

:28:24.:28:27.

APPLAUSE Exactly. They screw up and other

:28:27.:28:32.

people... Right? It's not... It's a little off. The Met foredoesn't

:28:32.:28:42.
:28:42.:28:45.

I think that's the definition of the sociopath... Yes, it is. Being

:28:46.:28:51.

a banker? Have you ever - absolutely no remorse when you, you

:28:51.:28:56.

know... Do something bad. Yeah, yeah. Do you have remorse? No, not

:28:56.:29:03.

at the moment. I am having a lovely time. Oh, good. Are you sorry in

:29:03.:29:07.

general for the bad things you have done? Yeah, all right. OK, yes!

:29:08.:29:09.

LAUGHTER This is the interesting thing about

:29:09.:29:12.

this kind of a character or - LAUGHTER

:29:12.:29:21.

Because we look at our children, and we find out that these children

:29:21.:29:26.

actually end up doing better in life than the ones that are less

:29:26.:29:30.

problematic. APPLAUSE

:29:30.:29:38.

Parenting him before our eyes - beautiful. It's true. So you know,

:29:38.:29:43.

it's those parents who look at their children as a problem child -

:29:43.:29:47.

LAUGHTER Listen, we all know - we all got in

:29:47.:29:52.

trouble at school and all know the horror of exams, terrible, terrible

:29:52.:29:57.

things. Are you kissing? Sharing a secret. No, I thought you were

:29:57.:30:01.

behind a cardigan making out. didn't know I was on camera. I just

:30:01.:30:07.

caught your eye. Did you hear what I said? What? I was a terrible

:30:07.:30:10.

student. Ahh! The reason is because, look, we did really good things

:30:11.:30:14.

with our lives. I want to say something to children who aren't so

:30:14.:30:17.

great at reading, you can get better. Maths sometimes is harder,

:30:18.:30:21.

but you know something? Just because you can't do it doesn't

:30:21.:30:26.

mean you're not going to do well at life. That's true. Some kids fall

:30:26.:30:29.

through the cracks. I think maths is harder, but it's important for

:30:29.:30:34.

kids to know if you are really bad at maths, you can always go into

:30:34.:30:37.

banking. LAUGHTER

:30:37.:30:42.

And it will be fine, you know? It will be fine! One of our favourite

:30:42.:30:47.

websites is Funny Exam Answers, right? These kids I think will do

:30:47.:30:51.

very well in life, quite creative when they're stumped for an answer.

:30:51.:30:56.

These are all genuine. These are all genuine. So this is the first

:30:56.:31:02.

one - what is one great advantage that sexual reproduction has over

:31:02.:31:08.

a-sexual reproduction? It feels good. That's a point! Now, maths -

:31:08.:31:15.

not always easy. This is - name an angle complementary to BDC. Here's

:31:15.:31:20.

the complementary angle. "You look much thinner from over here."

:31:20.:31:29.

That's great. How great is that? achiever! This one I think is one

:31:29.:31:33.

of my favourites. It's fantastic. The question is, "A child swallows

:31:33.:31:39.

a cleaning product. Why is milk often given?"

:31:39.:31:41.

"To make them happy before they die."

:31:41.:31:45.

LAUGHTER How great is that? A last male.

:31:45.:31:51.

you like milk? There you go. I'd give you chocolate. I don't have

:31:51.:31:55.

any! It's another maths question - how much longer is the base of this

:31:55.:32:00.

triangle than the height? The answer is "I have no idea. Here's a

:32:00.:32:04.

rainbow to make up for it." LAUGHTER

:32:04.:32:11.

"And a bunny." But this is my absolute favourite -

:32:11.:32:16.

this is just genius - just genius. "Miss, I can't read the question.

:32:16.:32:25.

There's a bear in the way!" LAUGHTER

:32:25.:32:29.

You should bring those kids in and put them on the show. They'd be

:32:29.:32:33.

probably more interesting than us. Those guys are awesome. Talk about

:32:33.:32:38.

no censorship whatsoever! Right. It's nearly time for this week's

:32:38.:32:42.

famous visit to the red chair, but first, let's welcome to the stage

:32:42.:32:46.

the UK's biggest rock band performing their new single,

:32:47.:32:56.
:32:57.:33:04.

Goodbye Kiss. It is Kasabian. # Doomed from the start

:33:04.:33:14.
:33:14.:33:16.

# We met with a goodbye kiss. # I broke my wrist.

:33:16.:33:23.

# It all kicked off. # I had no choice.

:33:23.:33:31.

# You said that you didn't mind cos love's hard to find.

:33:31.:33:41.
:33:41.:33:42.

# Maybe the days we had are gone, living in silence for too long.

:33:42.:33:47.

# Open your eyes, and what do you see?

:33:47.:33:56.

# No more laughs, no more photographs.

:33:56.:34:06.
:34:06.:34:07.

# Turning slowly, looking back, see. # No words can save this.

:34:07.:34:13.

# You're broken and I'm pissed. # Run along like I'm supposed to,

:34:13.:34:23.

be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane.

:34:23.:34:33.
:34:33.:34:40.

# I hope someday that we will meet # Running wild.

:34:40.:34:48.

# Giving it everyone. # Now that's all done.

:34:49.:34:58.
:34:59.:35:02.

# La, la, la, la. # Maybe the days we had are gone, living in silence

:35:02.:35:04.

for too long. # Open you're eyes and what do you

:35:04.:35:13.

see? # The last stand, let go of my hand.

:35:13.:35:20.

# Turning slowly, looking back, see # No words can save this.

:35:20.:35:30.
:35:30.:35:34.

# You're broken, and I'm pissed. # Run along like I'm supposed to,

:35:34.:35:39.

be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane

:35:39.:35:42.

# I hope someday that we will meet again.

:35:42.:35:52.

# You go your way, and I'll go my # No words can save us.

:35:52.:36:00.

# This lifestyle made us. # Run along like I'm supposed to,

:36:00.:36:07.

be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane.

:36:07.:36:17.
:36:17.:36:24.

# I hope someday that we will meet APPLAUSE

:36:24.:36:28.

Kasabian, ladies and gentlemen. Come join me now. Hello, sir.

:36:28.:36:34.

Graham, pleasure. Very nice to see you. You all right? Oh, wow.

:36:34.:36:39.

Pleasure. How are you? There you go. Lovely, lovely. Hello, mate. Good

:36:39.:36:46.

to see you. Very nice, very nice. Congratulations. Thank you very

:36:46.:36:52.

much for that. That was so great! I loved it. But it was - sort of

:36:52.:36:58.

reminded me of sort of that "It's now, but it's them" because it's -

:36:58.:37:05.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa... It has that beautiful heartbreak feel, Be My

:37:05.:37:10.

Baby, Roy Orbison. I am just getting ready to say the title of

:37:10.:37:15.

your album - I am very bad at words - Velociraptor. Velociraptor.

:37:15.:37:25.
:37:25.:37:26.

That's what it's called. And I am not even Dsylectic -! What's the

:37:26.:37:31.

word for that? I don't know, but a dyslexic will find it.

:37:31.:37:38.

And did single is out now. And congratulations - Best Band in

:37:38.:37:43.

Britain, goddamnit! The NME Awards - did you disgrace yourselves?

:37:43.:37:48.

Massively, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you offend people? Everywhere.

:37:48.:37:57.

I kept licking people's faces - of all people - Jackie Mason. Oh, no.

:37:57.:38:03.

Quite tasty. She's famous. Wears a lot of makeup, Jackie. Why did you

:38:03.:38:08.

lick his face? I was out of my mind. They'd just won Best British Band

:38:08.:38:15.

at the NME Awards. It was a lovely night and tonight we're feeling

:38:15.:38:19.

eggshells. We're doing all right. Yeah, you have done very well.

:38:19.:38:22.

That's the third consecutive number one album. We're doing all right.

:38:22.:38:28.

That's a big deal! Well done you. APPLAUSE

:38:28.:38:34.

Listen. Right. Before we go tonight, a story or two in the red chair, so

:38:34.:38:42.

who's up first? Hello, nice lady. Hello. What's your name? Lisa.

:38:42.:38:48.

Where are you from? Minnesota. has travelled all this way to tell

:38:48.:38:52.

us this story. Don't hold it against her. This is not connected,

:38:53.:38:57.

this bit. We booby-trapped you. Normally it's just scenic, but it's

:38:57.:39:01.

practical tonight. Sorry, Lisa. I left you alone. Lisa, she's

:39:01.:39:04.

travelled from Minnesota to delight us with? Following story. Off you

:39:04.:39:08.

go. My parents have a cabin on a lake. My nephew, who was three at

:39:08.:39:14.

the time, loved giving people tours around the cabin, particularly

:39:14.:39:19.

showing people the dead animals that my dad buys on eBay, so -

:39:19.:39:27.

LAUGHTER Don't touch it. So Mr Bear. Hello,

:39:27.:39:31.

Mr Coyote. Hello, Mr Deer, then we get to an animal my sister-in-law

:39:31.:39:35.

got given as a gift. It was her mascot for her volleyball team, and

:39:35.:39:41.

he says to me, "Would you like to stroke my mum's beaver? I do it all

:39:41.:39:51.

I can only apologise. Could see that one coming, and I am jet

:39:51.:39:54.

lagged. American animals - there was bound to be a beaver. There was

:39:54.:39:58.

a lake... There was all things pointing towards beaver.

:39:58.:40:04.

pineapple, as we know it. LAUGHTER

:40:04.:40:10.

"Pineapple"! Would you like to taste my pineapple? Don't! Who's

:40:10.:40:16.

next? Hello. Hello. You seem nervous - oh! Yeah. What's your

:40:16.:40:25.

name? Lioni. What do you do? I am a drama student in London, but I am

:40:25.:40:30.

originally from Leicestershire. Tom will know where that is. I know Tom

:40:30.:40:36.

- sort of. Do you? My mum knows his mum. He signs cards for us for

:40:36.:40:43.

Christmas. Wow. Has he stroked your beaver? No, I'm sure he hasn't.

:40:43.:40:51.

I haven't. Right, nice lady all. You go with your story. I was at V

:40:51.:40:55.

Guest value watching Kasabian. I went there with my friends. My arms

:40:55.:40:59.

were in the air singing all the lyrics - they were really good, by

:40:59.:41:02.

the way. All of a sudden this liquid entered my mouth - I didn't

:41:02.:41:08.

know what it was. I thought someone had thrown beer over me. I

:41:08.:41:12.

swallowed it. I thought that was the best because I didn't want to

:41:12.:41:17.

spit on someone. I looked down. My clothes were all wet. I smelt it,

:41:17.:41:23.

and someone had actually chucked their cup of urine all over me, and

:41:23.:41:27.

I swallowed a substantial amount of it. Oh, I think we should let her

:41:27.:41:31.

walk because she did drink a cup of pris for this story. You can walk.

:41:31.:41:40.

You can walk. Wow! Wow. The things you do, eh? Now that's a fan. She

:41:40.:41:46.

stayed. Do you pee on stage? No! it wasn't yours. Just random -

:41:47.:41:52.

licking faces, throwing piss at them - yeah. It's rock 'n' roll.

:41:52.:41:56.

Who's next? Hello, sir. God. Now, have you signed a waiver?

:41:56.:42:00.

LAUGHTER I just don't want a lawsuit if this

:42:00.:42:04.

goes wrong. OK. What's your name, sir? Alan.

:42:04.:42:09.

All right. Where are you from? Watford. Lovely. What do you do?

:42:09.:42:13.

am in between jobs at the moment. Fair enough. Lovely. This could be

:42:13.:42:17.

the start of something BIG, Alan! Off you go, sir. Going back a bit -

:42:17.:42:22.

I am going back to when I was a youngster, about 1920, and I used

:42:22.:42:25.

to drink a lot, and my dad used to get really upset with me because I

:42:25.:42:30.

used to get home on a Saturday night and wake everybody up about

:42:30.:42:36.

2.00am in the morning. Oh, Alan! know. Um... Have you forgotten the

:42:36.:42:39.

story? LAUGHTER

:42:39.:42:42.

He said to me one Saturday, "If you're not home at a reasonable

:42:42.:42:46.

time, I will bolt the door at midnight." So I thought to myself,

:42:46.:42:50.

how can I get away with this one? I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll

:42:51.:42:55.

leave my window open, get up the drainpipe, but I forget - when

:42:55.:42:58.

you're drunk, getting up a drainpipe is a little bit harder

:42:58.:43:02.

than you think. I eventually got into the window, coming to my

:43:02.:43:08.

senses, I sort of realise I am not in my bedroom. I am at my next door

:43:08.:43:11.

neighbour's looking at them in bed. Is that about the end of the story?

:43:11.:43:15.

It's a good end to the story. you. Alan, ladies and gentlemen.

:43:15.:43:20.

You can walk, sir. You can walk. Flip me. Oh, he wants to be...

:43:20.:43:26.

please. Yes, please. Alan wants to go - OK! Where are you going, Alan?

:43:26.:43:32.

We have an NHS here, Goldie, don't worry. Can't be sued? Brace

:43:32.:43:41.

yourself, Alan. I am ready. Legs aKim bow - - akimbo - hey! Well

:43:41.:43:46.

done, everyone. If you would like to join us on the show and be on

:43:46.:43:52.

the red chair, you can. Just go to this address. Thanks to my guests,

:43:52.:43:54.

Kasabian, ladies and gentlemen, Marcus Brigstocke, Goldie Hawn and

:43:54.:43:57.

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