Episode 17 The Graham Norton Show

I don't know, but I have been told # I don't know, but I have been

told - # Tonight's show will be chat show

gold # Tonight's show will be chat show

gold # The guests are back

# They're ready to go # It's time to start the show

# It's time to start the show # Oh! Oh, oh! Oh! Hello, everybody!

Welcome.. Had He laughs) Oh, more tired than I thought being

a Marine. Yes, we've got our marching orders because the star of

Private Benjamin, Goldie Hawn, is here.

APPLAUSE And making his first visit to the

show, one of my favourite actors, High Fidelity and Con Air star John

Cusack is here. Yes. APPLAUSE

The always hilarious Marcus Brigstocke is on the show.

APPLAUSE Plus, we have music from the best

British band in this week's NME Awards. Kasabian are here. Kasabian,

so cool! So cool, really cool, man, yeah, a big band! Now, looking

forward to meeting John Cusack. He has been in so many great films,

including the climate change epic 2012 - oh! 2012 - it was all about

the world ending in 20 - well, that's this year.

LAUGHTER Jesus, God. What are we doing here?

The film explains how this year - this year - climate change will

destroy the planet. It will be massive volcanic activity,

earthquakes, floods, but on the plus side, hasn't it been a lovely

February? Hasn't it? Really unseasonably warm, wasn't it? I

have seen daffodils, I have. I have! In the film, the end of the

world is triggered by a megatsunami - it is. It is. Now, I don't know

exactly what will cause the massive tidal wave in 2012, but here is

Bulgaria's high-diving team for the Olympics.

LAUGHTER Oh, Tom Daley's let himself go,

hasn't he? One whiff of puberty - bluh! The moral of 2012 is, we've

got to look after the planet. We do. There is a lot of energy-saving

advice around - keep the lights off. Keep the air conditions off, don't

wash, only eat cold food - basically, go on a Costa cruise.

LAUGHTER Got to feel sorry for them. Poor

things. Now, the other thing you can do is

give your garden a Mediterranean make-over, yeah. That's what I've

done. I have. I have put in an olive tree, a lemon tree, a man

called Miguel - LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on, ladies and gentlemen. Later on, we're

going to meet Kasabian. But first, he's a very funny stand-up - it's

Marcus Brigstocke. There he is. Hello, sir. Hello. Very good to see

you. Really nice to see you. Have a seat. Have a seat. I am very well.

Here's Johnny! It's the man of the night, John Cusack! Oh, oh, oh!

Really nice to meet you. And you. Absolutely. Welcome to Marcus

Brigstocke. And I am so excited I've got the Hawn - it's Goldie

Hawn. APPLAUSE

So nice to see you! There you go. A sandwich. Sit yourself down. Lovely.

Oh - I brought my little glass just in case. Phew, for emergencies.

were the first person I was aware of fancying, and I was only seven.

Oh, my God. When I saw Private Benjamin. It was a non-sexual thing.

Me too. I saw Private Benjamin, and I just felt like I wanted to be

near you. Oh, that's so sweet! serious. And now look! You're

blushing. You're blushing, Marcus. I'm so not blushing. Do you still

have the uniform or no? I just threw those pants out awhile ago.

Really? Oh, I loved those pants. Was there a sequel to Private

Benjamin? # No, there wasn't

# No there was! # No, there was no sequel. They're trying to make it

over again now. Oh, no. Or a remake of it, and then there was actually

a TV show they did. The original Private Benjamin - does that end up

in France? Yes, it does. Oh, how weird because I watched that second

half of it in a hotel recently and thought this must be a sequel.

France - in whatever that place is - not Paris but... Geneva...

Versailles... Another part of France. Burgundy. Disney World...

No, it's where the seat of the Government is, where the seat of...

Brussels. That's not France. That's Belgium.

Close, though. Stick to Paris. I love Paris.

an exciting week. We have an Oscar winner amongst our midst. Did you

go this year? No, I didn't go this year. I was in my fabulous

comfortable clothes with my family and friends, and we watched it

which is my favourite thing to do - no hair no, makeup, lots of wine,

lots of laughs in our back room. You don't seem like you like awards

shows. Have you taken against them? No. I like some of the movies. I

don't like hype about movies. I like to actually just watch the

movies. And sometimes around Oscar time, they take a big shotgun and

load up all of their marketing money and start blowing the movie

at you, and it's kind of nice to see the movie on its own terms.

Sometimes when you see those big winning movies, you're like, really,

this? This is the beginning -- winning movie? Like this year.

was one of those? I don't - what would you vote for? You probably

did vote. I did vote. What did you vote for? The Artist. Did you?

thought The Artist was extraordinary. It was a great film

- innovative and interesting and well-directed and beautifully

scored. It was a sensual experience all the way around - emotional and

physical - emotionally, physically - you know? The sound was all

aCongress when I went. You couldn't... It was? It was good

otherwise. LAUGHTER

I liked it. I thought it was... "I liked it"? So you weren't uplifted

by it? No. I am saying you're reacting to the hype of the movie,

not the movie. Exactly. (CRASH)

How big was that handbag? Have you come out with a fringe?

LAUGHTER Fantastic that while we're talking

about a silent film, an almighty clunk... When you're at the Oscars,

the big story, oddly, was Angelina Jolie's leg. Did you see this? It's

been a... I have seen it before. LAUGHTER

I was in a movie with her, so I saw that. Just in case you have

forgotten her leg - she looks like a pirate Queen or something: it's a

very odd look. That's definitely her leg? Definitely. That happened

on Sunday. By morning, the internet had doctored it to produce this.

That's like a pleaa. I was just going to say that. It's a Demi-

pleaa. Dance is her life. But now her legs are on An twitter account.

They have a Twitter account. Just the one leg. And Angelina Jolie -

legs? There is a thing now called leg bombing where Angelina Jolie's

leg is Photoshoped on to other people. So we have some examples of

Sexy, right? I love this one - they also went through history. They

went back in time. It really works. Yes. Yeah. Not everyone got the

idea of the leg bombing, though, because, like, this one -

LAUGHTER See, that wouldn't have happened.

No. That's a stupid - yeah. What's she doing on the moon? Like a

Clanger! Then finally some geek at home - "You know what would be

great - if I could match her leg up precisely with one of the legs on

Black Beauty - that would be Yeah. It was a move definitely.

The... Yeah. I mean, you have to negotiate - like, the dress was

designed for that, but your leg and your brain have to work together to

know where the entrance is to the opening of -

So - and furthermore! LAUGHTER

That's like an acceptance speech. Anyway, I thought she did a great

job. She looked lovely. It's odd to see a leg hanging in space. I had

one thrown at me. Did you? A leg, yeah. I did a show in Birmingham

many years ago. I thought it was going pretty well, but the audience

weren't totally on side with that. LAUGHTER

A guy was so angry, he decided he wasn't going to bother heckling. He

took off his prosthetic leg and just flung it at me. No? Seriously.

If that's true, I think that makes you one of the greatest comedians

ever. Bless your heart. That's true. It sounds like it might be true.

It's totally true. That's the worst best thing I have ever heard.

host of the show, a very, very funny guy, he had this material - I

was on with this guy, Marcus Brigstocke and he had a leg thrown

- made routine out of it. A year later I went on stage at Gloucester,

and before it started, John had been on the week before, someone on

this side said, "Did you have a leg thrown at you once?" I said "Yes,

as it happens, I did." While I was talking to him, boom, like a Rafter.

That'll teach you. You'll be known throughout your career of having

all of these artificial legs thrown at you. Rogue legs. You worked with

Angelina Jolie and got to do the kissing - Pushing Tin? Yes. As good

as advertised? It was acting. It was a nice day at the office - I

think that's a nice way to say it, don't you think, right? Being a

gentleman. Nice day at the office - pretty much what it's like.

have kissed your husband - not your husband, but Curt on screen? Yes.

That movie we did together - Swing Shift was where we fell in love.

That's more than acting. That's more than acting. I kissed Angelina

Jolie, and she fell in love with Billy Bob Thornton. I don't know

what that says about me. That's weird, document it? That still eats

away at you, doesn't it? LAUGHTER

No, but that was - when you kiss on screen - your second day at the

office - it really is, because you kiss, but even though you're

falling in love, right, or that you're kissing offcamera, if you

will, once you're on camera, you don't really feel that. You're just

really hitting the mark and being there and so on. Curt and I were

doing a love scene, a hot and heavy love scene. He's making love to me.

We're lying down and kissing. He was supposed to off camera pull my

panties up. We don't need to get the pineapple, do we? Get the

pineapple ready! Just in case. LAUGHTER

Pineapple is on standby. It's on standby. So what happened was that

when I did that - no. When I was - he - I was leaning down, and he

pulls my underpants off, right? But he didn't realise that I had

another pair of underpants on, so now it became that clown where you

kept pulling the underpants off one after the other, and it was a break

for lunch laugh. I mean, we couldn't stop laughing, so you'd

think that when people are kissing like that they're actually into it,

but you're not - even if you are in love. Ahh! Was that a good story?

Yes, it was. It involved someone pulling your pants off. What's not

to enjoy? What I'm really hoping is that the first time I picked up the

pineapple doesn't make the edit so it just cuts to you telling that

story, and for no reason at all - I would be looking for an

artificial leg to throw at you at the end of the show. We should have

thought of that. What a lazy week we've had at the August. Marcus,

put that pine ap apple down otherwise the show is impossible.

We've lost control. Just keep lifting up different bits of fruit.

We must get down to business. It's chaty chaty. Your film, sir. The

Raven, it's out on Friday 9th March. Yes. It has elements of horror.

It's like a gothic thriller. Yes. Is that fair? It's the Godfather of

Goth he invented the detective Johnray, among other things. He was

a real literary giant. The story is about him in the last four days of

his life. No-one know what is happened to him in the last four

days of his life. The story fictionalises that there was a

serial killer who recreated his stories. The police thought Poe did

it. Have you to use Poe to deacon instruct his own 120-- story.

Unbelievable stuff. It covers these last four days. Is that pure

imagination the story? Nobody knows what happened to him. He woke up in

someone else's clothes on a park bench, muttering something about

Reynolds. Did he take Ambion? don't think... A combination he was

known to be overserved. I see. was a big drinker. I hear you, John.

We have a little clip. It's near the beginning when the police

inspector is filling out -- figuring out... Luke Evans.

Terrific actor. Am I under arrest? No. Not as yet. I'd rather stand

because it makes it easier to leave. I am license I am a reader of your

work. I admit that many of my admirers have tkwon gone to great

lengths to meet me. I didn't see I was an admirer. Yet, you read them?

The night before last a young girl and a mother were found murdered.

The daughter's body was lodgeed in a chimney. The mother's head was

severed with a razor. Does any of this sound familiar to you, Mr Poe?

You are talking about my story. Work of fiction. I'm afraid I'm not.

APPLAUSE People shouldn't get a wrong idea.

There is a lot of action in the movie, fighting, running, dancing,

horse riding. Do you enjoy all that? Does it come easy to you?

you get a chance to do physical stuff it's great. Usually, it's,

you know, you have to gate good movie to do good stuff in. You like

extreme sports? Before I get too old it's nice to move around.

extreme sports, some of the stuff you have done. Didn't you drive,

was it a helicopter or a plane you drove into a her kain? Well, I got

on board, there is a... Every time there is a hurricane the National

Weather Service flies planes into the hurricanes. They are called the

hurricane hunters. They drop balls that have something in it that

attracts the hurricane. For a bet? To track the hurricanes they drop

the radar things and they keep flying hurricanes planes through

the hurricanes. I decided it would be a good idea to hitch a ride on

one of the planes. Do they do the same announcements like, "please

fasten your seatbelts we're experiencing a hurricane?"

wasn't really very comforting. I went to the front of the plane.

There are these old planes from the 60s, propel Orleans not jet engines.

They do better in hurricanes for some reason They are less expensive

when they crash. There was something hanging off the nose of.

It it was masking tape. They were like "yeah, it's called hurricane

metal". I was like "OK". They fly them every hurricane. There was

always one going through it. Was it bumpy? It was kind of bumpy.

Serious turbulence or middle turbulence? The most turbulence.

You should try Ryanair. It's similar. There are no seats. Do you

do extreme sports? I cross country ski and down hill ski I'm cautious.

Marcus, I never imagined you are sporty, but you are? Well... You do

wake boarding. We have proof of weight boarding. Yeah, look at that.

Are you skiing behind a car ferry. What is that rope attached to?

very tall, very fast swimmer. No, it's up... When you're weight

boarding there is a pole on the back of the boat. When you hate the

wake and do your jumps you are lifted up. Someone asked me to do

that with the parachute on the wake board. That looks like... Kite

boarding. I'm diing to do that. That looks like it would kill you.

You think it would rip your arms off. That is what I don't

understand. You will be torn apart. Most of the pull on that you're

strapped on to a har necessary. With that one, with weight boarding

you have to hold on yourself. you skydived or jumped out of an

aeroplane. I did the bungy thing. fell down an escalator. It's all

right. It takes you back up so... Where did you bungy jump? I can't

remember the area. They had a huge thing. They lifted you up. You had

to self-release. Then you fall. I thought, "I'm not going to do this

again". The popularity of bungy jumping must have gone down after

the woman who bungy jumped when the chord snapped. She went down the

river with her feet bound together. You say ahh that is a sad story. If

someone dies on the top of Mount Everest I don't feel sorry for them.

You are not supposed to be up there. I'm sorry, you decided to go up

there. Human beings... They should not be bungy jumping over a

crocodile invested river and a bad thing happens. I wish them well.

She did survive. Yes. Bits of her did anyway. You love the

snowboarding? Snowboarding is the big thing. That I'm obsessed with.

I love it. The altitude festival, when I was a club comic years ago I

figured out that a week off work to go snowboarding was expensive. I

called a guy in the Alps I said, how come I tell jokes and you pay

for me to go sliding? I do it now every year. For 11 years. That is a

big festival. This year Altitude has Jimmy, Carr. FrankieBoyle...

I'm a long way down that list, whatever! It's great. All the

comics go up on the hill and ride... Tell jokes in the evening. Perfect.

Will this be the stuff you are doing in Edinburgh? I'm writing a

new show called the Brigs Society. Based on the Big Society

ideological rip-off. It's taking the idea. Our Government, what they

have done, they've ruined APPLAUSE

The banks falling apart. What they did, the previous Government tiered

up, this one has ruined it with the help of Nick Clegg, who we ought

all thought was nice tosm explain Nick Clegg is like the Tim Henman

of British politics. No-one really wanted him to win, then he did. Now

we all hate him. That sounds like the entire Republican party.

exciting to see which lunatic is... Why don't they go to an asylum and

take which everyone has smeared the most faeces on their trousers and

run for the Republican Party. may It's funny until one of them

becomes President. It's like, ha, ha, really, they are in charge!

writing a show based on the idea of the big society taking it as a

positive. Don't sugar coat it. Tell them how you feel. I won't. I'm

expecting many, many limbs to be flung at me during this... Not by

me. That is August in Edinburgh? will start in Augustus. It will

tour throughout the rest of the year. Very good. Goldie Hawn, you

have been away. You are back with a book? Yes. Back with a book. Yes,

you have. Ten Mindful Minutes. It took you about nine mindful years

to write? Not really. Well, you did... I started the foundation for

children about nine years ago, you're right. The foundation, what

we are doing is bringing more wellbeing to children in the

classroom. Teaching them to become stress-free to recognise stress.

Learn about their brain. Become more emotionally stable. Which is

how children actually have an opportunity to learn. Is it like a

guide to parenting? This one was simulated by parents coming to me

and saying, we need this programme because our children are doing well.

They are bringing us reasons to calm down. They are giving us tools.

We need this programme. I wrote this, basically, extrapolated from

the programme called Mind-Up. Tens of thousands of children are

experiencing in Canada and the US and Australia. Now, we are bring it

to the UK. We are launching Mind-Up, the curriculum right here in the UK.

OK. I don't know how familiar you are with British children. Before

you introduce Mind-Up over here you should be aware they set fire to

London. They are setting fire to... How old are your children? They are

six and nine. Right. At this stage it's not really parenting, it's

more crowd control. I'm a dad who is around during the day, which

means I'm treated with a great deal of suspicion. I'm posh and posh

people treat the same -- their children the same as they do

children. Send them away and when it comes back it's bigger. I'm

around with my kids. I took my daughter to the park. I have facial

hair. A lot of the posh mummies are suspicious of me anyway. I was

pushing my daughter. Making all the noises you would hope for "higher"

at the top of the swing she shouted "I could kick Jesus from here".

Over the moon, delighted. All the posh mummies going "come on, we're

leaving". I'm not a parent. It would be so terrifying because I

know all the incredibly stupid, dangerous, I deserve to die

situations... Of course. I was a treacherous little man. It's a

disaster. You need order. As a kid that is what they are doing. You

are at home powerless to stop them. It would drive you mad. It's very

scary. Not to labour this. It's not showbusiness this particular story,

in terms of children themselves, if they don't learn how their brains

are working, they don't know that when they are in that dangerous

period they take those chances. Those kids get killed in cars. That

is the part of the brain that is not finished yet. Part is it to

know not yourself, but your brain. Have you considered introducing

these principles to bankers? When they screw up, then they learn...

It won't work. They don't experience any of the pain.

APPLAUSE Exactly. They screw up and other

people... Right? It's not... It's a little off. The Met foredoesn't

I think that's the definition of the sociopath... Yes, it is. Being

a banker? Have you ever - absolutely no remorse when you, you

know... Do something bad. Yeah, yeah. Do you have remorse? No, not

at the moment. I am having a lovely time. Oh, good. Are you sorry in

general for the bad things you have done? Yeah, all right. OK, yes!

LAUGHTER This is the interesting thing about

this kind of a character or - LAUGHTER

Because we look at our children, and we find out that these children

actually end up doing better in life than the ones that are less

problematic. APPLAUSE

Parenting him before our eyes - beautiful. It's true. So you know,

it's those parents who look at their children as a problem child -

LAUGHTER Listen, we all know - we all got in

trouble at school and all know the horror of exams, terrible, terrible

things. Are you kissing? Sharing a secret. No, I thought you were

behind a cardigan making out. didn't know I was on camera. I just

caught your eye. Did you hear what I said? What? I was a terrible

student. Ahh! The reason is because, look, we did really good things

with our lives. I want to say something to children who aren't so

great at reading, you can get better. Maths sometimes is harder,

but you know something? Just because you can't do it doesn't

mean you're not going to do well at life. That's true. Some kids fall

through the cracks. I think maths is harder, but it's important for

kids to know if you are really bad at maths, you can always go into

banking. LAUGHTER

And it will be fine, you know? It will be fine! One of our favourite

websites is Funny Exam Answers, right? These kids I think will do

very well in life, quite creative when they're stumped for an answer.

These are all genuine. These are all genuine. So this is the first

one - what is one great advantage that sexual reproduction has over

a-sexual reproduction? It feels good. That's a point! Now, maths -

not always easy. This is - name an angle complementary to BDC. Here's

the complementary angle. "You look much thinner from over here."

That's great. How great is that? achiever! This one I think is one

of my favourites. It's fantastic. The question is, "A child swallows

a cleaning product. Why is milk often given?"

"To make them happy before they die."

LAUGHTER How great is that? A last male.

you like milk? There you go. I'd give you chocolate. I don't have

any! It's another maths question - how much longer is the base of this

triangle than the height? The answer is "I have no idea. Here's a

rainbow to make up for it." LAUGHTER

"And a bunny." But this is my absolute favourite -

this is just genius - just genius. "Miss, I can't read the question.

There's a bear in the way!" LAUGHTER

You should bring those kids in and put them on the show. They'd be

probably more interesting than us. Those guys are awesome. Talk about

no censorship whatsoever! Right. It's nearly time for this week's

famous visit to the red chair, but first, let's welcome to the stage

the UK's biggest rock band performing their new single,

Goodbye Kiss. It is Kasabian. # Doomed from the start

# We met with a goodbye kiss. # I broke my wrist.

# It all kicked off. # I had no choice.

# You said that you didn't mind cos love's hard to find.

# Maybe the days we had are gone, living in silence for too long.

# Open your eyes, and what do you see?

# No more laughs, no more photographs.

# Turning slowly, looking back, see. # No words can save this.

# You're broken and I'm pissed. # Run along like I'm supposed to,

be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane.

# I hope someday that we will meet # Running wild.

# Giving it everyone. # Now that's all done.

# La, la, la, la. # Maybe the days we had are gone, living in silence

for too long. # Open you're eyes and what do you

see? # The last stand, let go of my hand.

# Turning slowly, looking back, see # No words can save this.

# You're broken, and I'm pissed. # Run along like I'm supposed to,

be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane

# I hope someday that we will meet again.

# You go your way, and I'll go my # No words can save us.

# This lifestyle made us. # Run along like I'm supposed to,

be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane.

# I hope someday that we will meet APPLAUSE

Kasabian, ladies and gentlemen. Come join me now. Hello, sir.

Graham, pleasure. Very nice to see you. You all right? Oh, wow.

Pleasure. How are you? There you go. Lovely, lovely. Hello, mate. Good

to see you. Very nice, very nice. Congratulations. Thank you very

much for that. That was so great! I loved it. But it was - sort of

reminded me of sort of that "It's now, but it's them" because it's -

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa... It has that beautiful heartbreak feel, Be My

Baby, Roy Orbison. I am just getting ready to say the title of

your album - I am very bad at words - Velociraptor. Velociraptor.

That's what it's called. And I am not even Dsylectic -! What's the

word for that? I don't know, but a dyslexic will find it.

And did single is out now. And congratulations - Best Band in

Britain, goddamnit! The NME Awards - did you disgrace yourselves?

Massively, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you offend people? Everywhere.

I kept licking people's faces - of all people - Jackie Mason. Oh, no.

Quite tasty. She's famous. Wears a lot of makeup, Jackie. Why did you

lick his face? I was out of my mind. They'd just won Best British Band

at the NME Awards. It was a lovely night and tonight we're feeling

eggshells. We're doing all right. Yeah, you have done very well.

That's the third consecutive number one album. We're doing all right.

That's a big deal! Well done you. APPLAUSE

Listen. Right. Before we go tonight, a story or two in the red chair, so

who's up first? Hello, nice lady. Hello. What's your name? Lisa.

Where are you from? Minnesota. has travelled all this way to tell

us this story. Don't hold it against her. This is not connected,

this bit. We booby-trapped you. Normally it's just scenic, but it's

practical tonight. Sorry, Lisa. I left you alone. Lisa, she's

travelled from Minnesota to delight us with? Following story. Off you

go. My parents have a cabin on a lake. My nephew, who was three at

the time, loved giving people tours around the cabin, particularly

showing people the dead animals that my dad buys on eBay, so -

LAUGHTER Don't touch it. So Mr Bear. Hello,

Mr Coyote. Hello, Mr Deer, then we get to an animal my sister-in-law

got given as a gift. It was her mascot for her volleyball team, and

he says to me, "Would you like to stroke my mum's beaver? I do it all

I can only apologise. Could see that one coming, and I am jet

lagged. American animals - there was bound to be a beaver. There was

a lake... There was all things pointing towards beaver.

pineapple, as we know it. LAUGHTER

"Pineapple"! Would you like to taste my pineapple? Don't! Who's

next? Hello. Hello. You seem nervous - oh! Yeah. What's your

name? Lioni. What do you do? I am a drama student in London, but I am

originally from Leicestershire. Tom will know where that is. I know Tom

- sort of. Do you? My mum knows his mum. He signs cards for us for

Christmas. Wow. Has he stroked your beaver? No, I'm sure he hasn't.

I haven't. Right, nice lady all. You go with your story. I was at V

Guest value watching Kasabian. I went there with my friends. My arms

were in the air singing all the lyrics - they were really good, by

the way. All of a sudden this liquid entered my mouth - I didn't

know what it was. I thought someone had thrown beer over me. I

swallowed it. I thought that was the best because I didn't want to

spit on someone. I looked down. My clothes were all wet. I smelt it,

and someone had actually chucked their cup of urine all over me, and

I swallowed a substantial amount of it. Oh, I think we should let her

walk because she did drink a cup of pris for this story. You can walk.

You can walk. Wow! Wow. The things you do, eh? Now that's a fan. She

stayed. Do you pee on stage? No! it wasn't yours. Just random -

licking faces, throwing piss at them - yeah. It's rock 'n' roll.

Who's next? Hello, sir. God. Now, have you signed a waiver?

LAUGHTER I just don't want a lawsuit if this

goes wrong. OK. What's your name, sir? Alan.

All right. Where are you from? Watford. Lovely. What do you do?

am in between jobs at the moment. Fair enough. Lovely. This could be

the start of something BIG, Alan! Off you go, sir. Going back a bit -

I am going back to when I was a youngster, about 1920, and I used

to drink a lot, and my dad used to get really upset with me because I

used to get home on a Saturday night and wake everybody up about

2.00am in the morning. Oh, Alan! know. Um... Have you forgotten the

story? LAUGHTER

He said to me one Saturday, "If you're not home at a reasonable

time, I will bolt the door at midnight." So I thought to myself,

how can I get away with this one? I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll

leave my window open, get up the drainpipe, but I forget - when

you're drunk, getting up a drainpipe is a little bit harder

than you think. I eventually got into the window, coming to my

senses, I sort of realise I am not in my bedroom. I am at my next door

neighbour's looking at them in bed. Is that about the end of the story?

It's a good end to the story. you. Alan, ladies and gentlemen.

You can walk, sir. You can walk. Flip me. Oh, he wants to be...

please. Yes, please. Alan wants to go - OK! Where are you going, Alan?

We have an NHS here, Goldie, don't worry. Can't be sued? Brace

yourself, Alan. I am ready. Legs aKim bow - - akimbo - hey! Well

done, everyone. If you would like to join us on the show and be on

the red chair, you can. Just go to this address. Thanks to my guests,

Kasabian, ladies and gentlemen, Marcus Brigstocke, Goldie Hawn and