Episode 2 The Graham Norton Show


Episode 2

Graham Norton chats to actor James McAvoy, top comic John Bishop and actress and activist Joanna Lumley. Plus Arctic Monkeys perform their new single, Suck It And See.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language. On the show tonight. A

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movie star who started out on Channel Four. Shameless.

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The star behind Patsy Stone. Fabulous.

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A top stand-up comic. Hilarious.

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And from Strictly Come Dancing, Nancy Dell'Olio.

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Hello and welcome to the show. We've got a great line-up this week.

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Hollywood star James McAvoy is here. APPLAUSE.

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James is currently starring in a new animated film about to be

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released called Arthur Christmas, where he plays Santa's son. That's

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Arthur, and this is his grand-dad, Santa senior. I think I know where

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they got the inspiration for that shot. James also starred in The

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Last King of Scotland. One of James' most famous roles was as Mr

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Tumness in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Where did I last see

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legs like that? She doesn't need some toilet paper on her Sue! Also,

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the gorgeous Joanna Lumley will be here! She's currently filming a

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Christmas special of Ab Fab, where she plays Patsy Stone. Patsy is

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such an amazing caricature, a blonde bimbo who'll shag anything.

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I bet she's never met anyone like that in real life. I think that's a

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can of Mace in her hands. Also joining us tonight, top comic John

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Bishop is on the show. His show John Bishop's Britain is a Saturday

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night favorite - though at the moment Saturday's all about

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Strictly and X Factor. Everyone watching? I'm loving Strictly, and

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there's someone on it this year that we've made the occasional joke

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about. She obviously doesn't watch this show because she's agreed to

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come on. Yes, Nancy Dell'Olio will be popping in later. Nancy's

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performances have been panned by the judges. But someone must be

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phoning to keep her in every week. It's been a long time since she's

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had an Eriksson that close to her mouth. Let's get some guests on.

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Later we'll be having music from Arctic Monkeys. But first, my

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prayers have been answered, it's John Bishop.

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APPLAUSE. She's posh and I'm privileged she's

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here, it's Joanna Lumley. APPLAUSE.

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And my Christmas has come early. It's the star of Arthur Christmas,

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James McAvoy. We all just stood out verse saying,

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how are you? Backstage it was hello, this is Joanna, this is johns.

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Really you just want to stand there Dr Ahmad Khaled Abdel Aziz then we

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come on and you are cheering. honest, I thought we were all

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getting on quite well! I am back stage with two fabulous actors and

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I am thinking, none of them like me. I appreciate you all coming because

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I know you are busy. Were you filming today? No, not today. We

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are in the middle of it all. We are making a film for Danny Boyle.

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There you are. Where did you get that? I don't know. Top secret

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stuff. The internet. It is going well. I am thrilled you are in a

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film directed by Danny Boyle, shouldn't he be getting ready for

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the Olympics, having ladies dancing with umbrellas. I think that's

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photograph is a picture of the opening ceremony. It is more

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reflective of London right now. Someone walking around being mauled.

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They should be running round to Benny Hill music. On my stag night,

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we got a taxi from Camden to Parliament Hill. There was about 10

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or 20 of us. The taxi got it me out and said, do you want to treat?

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These speakers came out of his car and he played the Benny Hill music

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and we chased each other around the park for about 10 minutes. He was

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the guide chasing us. Or we were all the girls. Then he drove away

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in his car with the Benny Hill blurring. How fantastic. The

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Olympics, am I supposed to know this? The new Ab Fab, one of them

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is based around the Olympics? has an Olympic team. I don't want

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to talk about Ab Fab too much because Jennifer Saunders is coming

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on in a few weeks. OK! When you went to make it, was it easy to be

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Patsy Stone again? It was strange, because we started off with

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Jennifer, Julia, Jayne and Joanna. Nobody looks any different, except

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for June Whitfield who looks a bit younger. Then we had everyone else

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who had been in it, husbands and people working on the magazines. It

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was fantastic. The script is fantastic. It has moved forward, we

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are not doing them from 1991. In the a doing it from today. So it

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has changed a lot? Merry little. -- very little. Ab Fab with an iPod.

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You have had an amazing year. The last time I saw you who are were in

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X-Men First Class. It went ballistic. It went really well. But

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I felt I was the one who did not get to do any stunts. Everybody

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else can like Benn's your shoes with their minds and stuff, I just

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go, do you want a cup of tea? were just persuasive, that is your

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power? Not only do I know that it you want a cup of tea, I can make

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you make me a cup of tea as well. So you are just a wife! He is not

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touching that. I can see the next film with him in rollers and an

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apron, make me a cup of tea. have to beef up for these films?

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The first time I ever did it. I beefed up for a thing and that it

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was a bit weird. Eating too much meat and drinking too much protein

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drinks. Protein shakes are not good for you? They need you onset

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shooting a scene for three days which is fine. But they need to get

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this protein out a deal and it comes out as flatulence. So you are

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stuck in a car for three days and during these three days, Angelina

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Jolie is in the car with two! In the end you have to say, it is not

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my fault you have just got in this car, my protein drink has just said

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hello. How is Brad Pitt and the kids by the way? Was she all right

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about it? She was great, she has a good sense of humour and a terrible

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sense of smell. As an actor, we all envy your figure. Do you have a

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regime? I don't, but I probably don't eat as much as other people

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because I don't have breakfast and I never have lunch! You don't eat

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as much as much people. If I had a good breakfast, I would be ready

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for a snack at 11 am. Meant for a three-course lunch, ready for tea

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and then an enormous dinner. I have very low blood pressure, so as soon

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as I eat something I have to go straight to sleep. So I usually eat

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massively in the evening and go straight to sleep. You are very

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cheap Date! James, this is a bit depressing this new film? It is the

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first Christmas film of the season. Are we the first? You are the first.

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Be it is very good, that's all you need to know. It is a kid's moody

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but it is a smart, funny kids' movie. Parents can take their kids

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to this and be all right. I laughed out loud quite a few times. It is

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the people that made a Wallace and Gromit atman studios. They have got

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into bed with America and hooked up with Sony. They are doing a big 3D

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cartoon animation. And there is a lot of stuff in there adults, but

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it is fantastic for the kids. I think it is a really good Christmas

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film. It is one of those Christmas songs that you want to be able to

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watch in 10 years' time. It is great for a slightly smart child.

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Inquisitive child. A questioning child. It does explain how

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Christmas works. If you have got thick kids, don't go! It explains

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Christmas and how it happens? clever because a lot of kids these

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days know that Christmas is a big corporate venture. So what this

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film does is it makes the real Santa, who lives in the North Pole,

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he is real and there is magic, but it is a big business as well. That

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is one of the things the film is about, has it become too much of a

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big business? What my character does is try to reclaim the spirit

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of Christmas and make sure that one kid, who won't get a present gets

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the present. It is beautiful! And it is in 3D? It is. You are a big

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fan of 3D? I slagged off 3D. believe you said "it is a waste of

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time and money and I wouldn't pay for a ticket".

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APPLAUSE. You shoot a movie and sometimes

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they changed it to 3D afterwards and it is a way of getting people

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into the cinema and charging them extra money. It is naughty. This

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was designed to be 3D. Can I ask you, when you film something in 3D,

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does it change you, change the set or is it in the camera? I have

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never felt anything in 3D. A of course, this is an animation!

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LAUGHTER. I know I said don't take your thick

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kids to see it. I was thinking, it looks like you

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that make up department must be brilliant. Prepare yourself, we are

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going to see a clip, John Foulds stock it is the last time I'd try

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and talk Hollywood with someone who has been to Hollywood. This is a

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clip when you go to find out the kids that has been missed. It is in

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Toronto. A what is it? No idea, I have never seen it

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before. They are always putting these things up. A remember the

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first time I ran into Chicago. There is a small trauma to your

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gift wrapped, but I can fix it. I can wrap anything with three strips

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of sticky tape. Fantastic, and wrap It was Ashley Jensen and Bill Nighy.

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That is out on 11th November. Unless you got thick kids, then it

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is out in February! Christmas can I don't know whether you find this

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funny, or disturbing. It depends on whether you have children. Have you

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seen this? It is called scared of Santa, it is a whole book of

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pictures of children who are scared I think it's quite funny. Look at

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that child! Look how rubbish the Santa is. We asked people in the

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audience if they had any pictures of themselves with Santa. Some

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people did. Staff? That looks quite recent! It was seven years ago.

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he a nice Santa? I don't think he asked me what I want for Christmas,

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so that was disappointing. He was Can I ask, where do you get an

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audience from who happened to walk around with photographs of

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themselves? They Eija -- the e mail them. They are not just in their

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Now, you are smiling in this picture. See if you think there

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might be some fear. It looks like somebody is pulling Santa through

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This one is weird. Elizabeth? This looks like a scene from a really

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disturbing film. The Blair Witch Project, the Christmas special, or

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something. Look at that. It is It's like when you develop the

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picture, suddenly Santa was in it. It was taken at Easter! That is the

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terrifying thing. Megan, this is not a picture of you but your

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boyfriend. That is Chris. How old was he? Four, I don't know. There

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he is now. He is not with Santa but God knows, it could not be a more

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Christmas like picture. Here he is Are you even allowed to show that

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on television? A just pass it on to If people want to spend Christmas

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with Joanna Lumley they can this year. You're on stage? It is a

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Christmas play. It is called the Lion in Winter. It is the story of

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a family having the most massive argument over Christmas. It is a

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fractured family, it has divorces, stepchildren, there will squabbling,

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who loves who, who has sided with who? -- they are all squabbling.

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And it just happens they are all royal. There is a princess, a queen.

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It is pretty steep. Sounds like a game of poker! Pretty much. It is

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extraordinary. Very funny but quite dark. It is all completely true. It

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is about Britain, England as it was, Henry the second and his wife who

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was called Eleanor of Aquitaine, a huge area of France. You are in

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with Robert Lindsay? His fantastic. -- he is fantastic. Eleanor was 11

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years older than Henry. You do not look thrilled to be with him here.

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Is that acting? They it is good acting. That is as good at it it --

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As Good As It gets. Where did you get that from? The internet! How

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many times?! I hope you have not got pictures of me off the internet.

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It opens next week and runs right through to the end of January.

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There is snow in it? No. It is a phenomenal set. It is set in a

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castle in 1183. Flagstone floors and great arches. We are in the

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Haymarket Theatre, one of the loveliest London theatres, it goes

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right to the back, the stage. It issued with vast arches. It is like

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being in a cathedral, it is thrilling. Good frocks. Is there a

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lion in it? Keep up! After the interval. Will the lie-in be in it

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now? All the thick Kids Allowed going to the film, there is a lion

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You have done stage work, you seemed too young to have had a film

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and stage career, but you have. started off in pantomime. Did you

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ever do it? I have. Professional? As opposed to what?! I did, when I

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first went full-time as a comic I did a pantomime with Darren Day and

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to his new walks, and a few others. That was Dick Whittington's. We did

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it in the Lawry theatre in Salford, Manchester. It is a lovely theatre

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and Salford is quite a deprived area so they did what many councils

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do and said this is a deprived area, There is gang violence and

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deprivation, they need a lovely theatre. The gang Stone shoot each

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other when there is a ballet on! -- dens don't shoot each other. --

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For the matinee they brought all the schools of Salford in, so 1700

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kids in Salford, and we did the scene where somebody is being

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chased and you think come on kids, tell us where he is. I sold the

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ship with Dick Whittington, the captain, there was the bit where we

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got chased and there was 1700 kids in there and that is when you

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realise how tough Salford is. There were 1700 kids and no one of them

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wanted to snitch! Where is he? Your run your own! -- You're on your own.

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Joanna also has a book out. It is kind of a memoir, it has so many

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photographs, theatre programmes... It is photograph lead. His pictures

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with some writing around it. photos are genius. There is a

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picture of you as a little baby Look at her! Someone said we are

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taking you to Santa. I had not seen a lot of these because they were in

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your house, presumably. That is Joanna Lumley modelling... Well,

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not everybody could wear that. had to bring our own accessories

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and they are my own yellow boots, so they look a bit shabby. We were

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not very rich. We got �4 an hour. Modelling cannot have changed much

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over the years, yet you do not see poses like that as much as you used

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to. Look at their shoes. I loved them so. I was six foot two inches

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in those shoes. You do look fantastic. You look less good in

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this one. It is a knitting pattern. It is hard to do that. Any model

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would struggle with wall. -- wool. The headline - young, gay,

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simpleton it. -- simple to knot. -- The marketing department thought

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right, it makes a knitting in with tenpin bowling, that will make it

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popular! You mixed some looks. Baby Doll, schoolgirl, bride-to-be,

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young mum, sophisticated hostess... Person laughing at fruit! We always

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had to be seen a laughing at something. If there was some fruit

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and I was in my picture, probably in something knitted, I would be

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going like this... And sometimes John Bishop, you have been on your

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travels, touring the land, and now you bring us a DVD of the tour.

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taught from the autumn until June, so the DVD is of that. In all of

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your shows you talk about your family, your wife, your kids. You

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are very honest about them. Are they OK about that? To be honest, I

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have not got a wife. It took a while for me to come out but... The

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truth of the matter is I never thought I would be a comedian so

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when I ended up walking on stage I did not walk on with a head full of

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jokes, I went on, talked about what has just gone on. If you are

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married the children that is what has just gone on. It is what

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everyone is going through. As your kids get old are they... There are

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few things were you walk into the bedroom and they say dad, you're

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not saying anything about that! You say, all right. A and now you have.

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I will have to go out. We're at a funny stage because my family, none

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of us expected this to happen so we are a bit surprised. I have been on

:27:47.:27:51.

tour, it was great, I have come back as the hero coming back home,

:27:51.:27:58.

I have been on my travels, the conquering hero, it is wonderful,

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didn't we do well? I have been home for two months and my wife said I

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was going to have two years of, spent time with the family, build

:28:08.:28:14.

up relationships, she has said do us a favour, go off on tour again!

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So I will go back out again next year. That will be about what

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happens between now and then, because otherwise you can only talk

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about what your life is about, otherwise it is not true. It is a

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big tour. A arenas. It will be a challenge, it will be good.

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Sunshine Tour DVD is out on 14th November. Look lads, I've got to be

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honest, this isn't my idea but your mum thinks I should explain some

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things to you. What, Dad? Things are going to change around here

:28:51.:28:55.

because first of all I've got no company car any more, it has gone.

:28:55.:29:01.

We got rid of it. The holidays you are used to going on, we probably

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cannot go on those for a while because I am not sure what money I

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will make. As a result, I can't guarantee you will get the presence

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you're used to getting. -- presents. And they went why, Dad? I said

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because I have left my job, boys. They win, no, what are you going to

:29:26.:29:33.

do? A said I'm going to be a comedian! They said well, you're

:29:33.:29:43.
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That is a true conversation. you will watching Strictly Come

:29:47.:29:53.

Dancing? When I can. A have you been asked to be on it? Yes.

:29:54.:29:59.

you say no? Clearly. That will be the series I did not see. Every

:29:59.:30:05.

year, an unlikely star emerges. Let's lead her to the likes. It's

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Congratulations, are you enjoying Strictly Come Dancing? I do enjoy

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it. It has surprised me how much I do enjoy it. It is intense, but I

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love it. Do you think you are getting better? I do think so.

:30:52.:30:59.

will be honest with you. I was away when it started. And my mother was

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on the phone and she described your dancing and when I watched it, you

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were better than I expected. This always happens. Obviously people

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have known you for a long time because of Sven-Goran Eriksson.

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years in the UK. Also Trevor Nunn, because he is working with Joanna.

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What I want to know is what do you You are an international lawyer.

:31:48.:31:57.

you have an office? No, I used to. Tell us, what is it? What is your

:31:57.:32:07.
:32:07.:32:13.

question? What do you do? I have always been doing public affairs,

:32:13.:32:18.

working for a private or public company, mainly with politicians

:32:18.:32:26.

and sent them the right message on how to create a new look. Was this

:32:26.:32:35.

in its elite? It was in Italy. Italy. I have been working with a

:32:35.:32:45.
:32:45.:32:47.

few lawyers will stop --. I am using my networking around the

:32:47.:32:57.
:32:57.:33:03.

world. I am glad I asked! I am all over its Nancy! Youth and Anton,

:33:03.:33:10.

could sparks fly between the two of you? My future husband. We have a

:33:10.:33:16.

great relationship. I think we made very good TV, what do you think?

:33:16.:33:21.

am enjoying watching news. Everyone else turns up in rehearsals in

:33:22.:33:26.

tracksuits, why does he turn up in a shirt and tie to rehearse, he

:33:27.:33:33.

must be roasting? It is his style, I do love that. Like in English

:33:34.:33:43.

gentleman. No, an English gentleman dancers like that... If you have

:33:43.:33:48.

ever seen an English gentleman dance, get amide DVD. Style and

:33:49.:33:58.

manners. Tomorrow night, what are you going to be giving us? A cannot

:33:58.:34:03.

believe I am here tonight. What we you be giving us tomorrow night?

:34:03.:34:13.
:34:13.:34:15.

rumba. It is a Hallowe'en special show. Sorry, it is the way you are

:34:15.:34:20.

pulling your skirt down, I thought we are getting so rumba then.

:34:20.:34:28.

am getting ready. It is a love dance. It has been all week for

:34:28.:34:34.

preparation. I am not a great dancer, but it is fun. After it

:34:35.:34:43.

finishes, what are you going to do? A few things. I am writing two

:34:43.:34:51.

books. My TV shows. You have a TV show? It probably, I am not going

:34:51.:34:56.

to say any more. Well good luck with your next round,

:34:56.:35:00.

what are you giving us? Nancy, how do you say "it's time for some

:35:00.:35:10.
:35:10.:35:18.

music now" in Italian? Ladies and gentlemen, singing Suck

:35:18.:35:28.
:35:28.:35:28.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 52 seconds

:35:28.:36:20.

# Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you.

:36:20.:36:26.

# I bought my aching heart into a pop song.

:36:26.:36:31.

# I could not get the hang of poetry.

:36:31.:36:37.

It is not a skirt goal, it is a shorn off shotgun.

:36:37.:36:47.
:36:47.:36:59.

# I can only hope you have got it aimed at me. # Sit next to me

:36:59.:37:02.

before I go. # Go, go, go.

:37:02.:37:04.

# Jigsaw women with horror movie shoes.

:37:04.:37:09.

# Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you

:37:09.:37:19.
:37:19.:37:43.

# I often wonder where you are. # Baby I was made to break your

:37:43.:37:53.
:37:53.:38:25.

# Sits next to me before I go. # Go, Go, Go.

:38:25.:38:35.
:38:35.:38:40.

# And Jigsaw women horror-movie shoes.

:38:40.:38:50.
:38:50.:38:54.

# The cruel to me because I am a The Arctic Monkeys. I believe it

:38:54.:39:04.
:39:04.:39:17.

Alex and Matthew are joining us. Thanks for doing that. Thanks for

:39:17.:39:26.

having us. It is the title track. Some groups go mad on art work, not

:39:26.:39:36.
:39:36.:39:37.

the Arctic Monkeys. The single is out on the 31st? Is that right?

:39:37.:39:42.

Before we go it is time to have a story in the red shirt. Who is our

:39:42.:39:51.

first? Hello. My name is Karen. Where are you from? Dublin. Do you

:39:51.:39:59.

live here now. What do you do here? I am an office manager. Here that

:39:59.:40:02.

the Nancy, she is an office manager!

:40:02.:40:12.
:40:12.:40:14.

What is your story? Myself and my family were a way staying by a

:40:14.:40:20.

river. On the Friday evening we went down to the little bar for a

:40:20.:40:24.

few drinks and there were at the Group of Austrians. They had been

:40:24.:40:30.

fishing, but they were much quieter than us and they left earlier. Or

:40:30.:40:34.

we left too late and too drunk and we were walking by their chalet and

:40:34.:40:40.

the curtains were open. And my mother thought she should invite

:40:40.:40:47.

them back to our chalet for a drink. She ran up to the window and she

:40:47.:40:57.
:40:57.:41:00.

went... They misunderstood. It was good, but not good enough.

:41:00.:41:07.

That a mother could have got a fright. Is somebody else in the

:41:08.:41:16.

chair? Hello. Hello. What is your name? Cara. Where are you from?

:41:16.:41:23.

York. Really? Why the hell are you here? I am a theatre director, and

:41:23.:41:27.

I think the theatre seemed is more stimulating here than in New York

:41:27.:41:37.
:41:37.:41:45.

to be honest. We don't have time for this! One

:41:45.:41:54.

more. Hello. Hello. How are you? am good. What is your name? My name

:41:54.:42:01.

is Debbie from California. We love you in the United States. Do you

:42:01.:42:06.

find the theatre scene stimulating here? Incredibly! I thought you

:42:06.:42:12.

would. How old are you? I am retired. What did you used to do?

:42:12.:42:22.

used to raise money. OK... Are few go with your story. I was running

:42:22.:42:32.
:42:32.:42:32.

for the US Congress... Weight and minute! Are weak slipping into a

:42:33.:42:38.

parallel universe? We have a congresswoman hopeful in the red

:42:38.:42:45.

shirt. Not any more. You running for Congress? It was election

:42:45.:42:50.

morning. I thought you were going to say running for a bus! Running

:42:50.:42:56.

for Congress?! I was running for Congress and it was election

:42:56.:43:03.

morning and a group of us were standing by the road, parents, kids,

:43:03.:43:06.

grandparents and the mayor. We were all waving the American flag and

:43:06.:43:11.

the traffic is running by. A man yelled out of his car "I will vote

:43:11.:43:17.

for you if you show me your tits" us. My campaign manager sent to me

:43:17.:43:25.

and said to Notts say a thing. So I yelled back at the man, come back

:43:25.:43:31.

around. He did, and I did, and there was a pile-up. A very good

:43:31.:43:41.
:43:41.:43:43.

stories. Get up and walk. You can contact us on our website. Thanks

:43:43.:43:50.

to all my guests. The Arctic Monkeys. The John Bishop, Joanna

:43:50.:43:58.

The award-winning host continues his unique talk show, featuring a mixture of celebrity guests and Graham's irrepressible audience.

Joining Graham on his sofa are British actor turned Hollywood star James McAvoy, starring in new movie Arthur Christmas; top comic John Bishop; national treasure Joanna Lumley; and Arctic Monkeys, performing their new single, Suck It And See.


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