Episode 2 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains strong language. On the show tonight. A

movie star who started out on Channel Four. Shameless.

The star behind Patsy Stone. Fabulous.

A top stand-up comic. Hilarious.

And from Strictly Come Dancing, Nancy Dell'Olio.

Hello and welcome to the show. We've got a great line-up this week.

Hollywood star James McAvoy is here. APPLAUSE.

James is currently starring in a new animated film about to be

released called Arthur Christmas, where he plays Santa's son. That's

Arthur, and this is his grand-dad, Santa senior. I think I know where

they got the inspiration for that shot. James also starred in The

Last King of Scotland. One of James' most famous roles was as Mr

Tumness in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Where did I last see

legs like that? She doesn't need some toilet paper on her Sue! Also,

the gorgeous Joanna Lumley will be here! She's currently filming a

Christmas special of Ab Fab, where she plays Patsy Stone. Patsy is

such an amazing caricature, a blonde bimbo who'll shag anything.

I bet she's never met anyone like that in real life. I think that's a

can of Mace in her hands. Also joining us tonight, top comic John

Bishop is on the show. His show John Bishop's Britain is a Saturday

night favorite - though at the moment Saturday's all about

Strictly and X Factor. Everyone watching? I'm loving Strictly, and

there's someone on it this year that we've made the occasional joke

about. She obviously doesn't watch this show because she's agreed to

come on. Yes, Nancy Dell'Olio will be popping in later. Nancy's

performances have been panned by the judges. But someone must be

phoning to keep her in every week. It's been a long time since she's

had an Eriksson that close to her mouth. Let's get some guests on.

Later we'll be having music from Arctic Monkeys. But first, my

prayers have been answered, it's John Bishop.

APPLAUSE. She's posh and I'm privileged she's

here, it's Joanna Lumley. APPLAUSE.

And my Christmas has come early. It's the star of Arthur Christmas,

James McAvoy. We all just stood out verse saying,

how are you? Backstage it was hello, this is Joanna, this is johns.

Really you just want to stand there Dr Ahmad Khaled Abdel Aziz then we

come on and you are cheering. honest, I thought we were all

getting on quite well! I am back stage with two fabulous actors and

I am thinking, none of them like me. I appreciate you all coming because

I know you are busy. Were you filming today? No, not today. We

are in the middle of it all. We are making a film for Danny Boyle.

There you are. Where did you get that? I don't know. Top secret

stuff. The internet. It is going well. I am thrilled you are in a

film directed by Danny Boyle, shouldn't he be getting ready for

the Olympics, having ladies dancing with umbrellas. I think that's

photograph is a picture of the opening ceremony. It is more

reflective of London right now. Someone walking around being mauled.

They should be running round to Benny Hill music. On my stag night,

we got a taxi from Camden to Parliament Hill. There was about 10

or 20 of us. The taxi got it me out and said, do you want to treat?

These speakers came out of his car and he played the Benny Hill music

and we chased each other around the park for about 10 minutes. He was

the guide chasing us. Or we were all the girls. Then he drove away

in his car with the Benny Hill blurring. How fantastic. The

Olympics, am I supposed to know this? The new Ab Fab, one of them

is based around the Olympics? has an Olympic team. I don't want

to talk about Ab Fab too much because Jennifer Saunders is coming

on in a few weeks. OK! When you went to make it, was it easy to be

Patsy Stone again? It was strange, because we started off with

Jennifer, Julia, Jayne and Joanna. Nobody looks any different, except

for June Whitfield who looks a bit younger. Then we had everyone else

who had been in it, husbands and people working on the magazines. It

was fantastic. The script is fantastic. It has moved forward, we

are not doing them from 1991. In the a doing it from today. So it

has changed a lot? Merry little. -- very little. Ab Fab with an iPod.

You have had an amazing year. The last time I saw you who are were in

X-Men First Class. It went ballistic. It went really well. But

I felt I was the one who did not get to do any stunts. Everybody

else can like Benn's your shoes with their minds and stuff, I just

go, do you want a cup of tea? were just persuasive, that is your

power? Not only do I know that it you want a cup of tea, I can make

you make me a cup of tea as well. So you are just a wife! He is not

touching that. I can see the next film with him in rollers and an

apron, make me a cup of tea. have to beef up for these films?

The first time I ever did it. I beefed up for a thing and that it

was a bit weird. Eating too much meat and drinking too much protein

drinks. Protein shakes are not good for you? They need you onset

shooting a scene for three days which is fine. But they need to get

this protein out a deal and it comes out as flatulence. So you are

stuck in a car for three days and during these three days, Angelina

Jolie is in the car with two! In the end you have to say, it is not

my fault you have just got in this car, my protein drink has just said

hello. How is Brad Pitt and the kids by the way? Was she all right

about it? She was great, she has a good sense of humour and a terrible

sense of smell. As an actor, we all envy your figure. Do you have a

regime? I don't, but I probably don't eat as much as other people

because I don't have breakfast and I never have lunch! You don't eat

as much as much people. If I had a good breakfast, I would be ready

for a snack at 11 am. Meant for a three-course lunch, ready for tea

and then an enormous dinner. I have very low blood pressure, so as soon

as I eat something I have to go straight to sleep. So I usually eat

massively in the evening and go straight to sleep. You are very

cheap Date! James, this is a bit depressing this new film? It is the

first Christmas film of the season. Are we the first? You are the first.

Be it is very good, that's all you need to know. It is a kid's moody

but it is a smart, funny kids' movie. Parents can take their kids

to this and be all right. I laughed out loud quite a few times. It is

the people that made a Wallace and Gromit atman studios. They have got

into bed with America and hooked up with Sony. They are doing a big 3D

cartoon animation. And there is a lot of stuff in there adults, but

it is fantastic for the kids. I think it is a really good Christmas

film. It is one of those Christmas songs that you want to be able to

watch in 10 years' time. It is great for a slightly smart child.

Inquisitive child. A questioning child. It does explain how

Christmas works. If you have got thick kids, don't go! It explains

Christmas and how it happens? clever because a lot of kids these

days know that Christmas is a big corporate venture. So what this

film does is it makes the real Santa, who lives in the North Pole,

he is real and there is magic, but it is a big business as well. That

is one of the things the film is about, has it become too much of a

big business? What my character does is try to reclaim the spirit

of Christmas and make sure that one kid, who won't get a present gets

the present. It is beautiful! And it is in 3D? It is. You are a big

fan of 3D? I slagged off 3D. believe you said "it is a waste of

time and money and I wouldn't pay for a ticket".

APPLAUSE. You shoot a movie and sometimes

they changed it to 3D afterwards and it is a way of getting people

into the cinema and charging them extra money. It is naughty. This

was designed to be 3D. Can I ask you, when you film something in 3D,

does it change you, change the set or is it in the camera? I have

never felt anything in 3D. A of course, this is an animation!

LAUGHTER. I know I said don't take your thick

kids to see it. I was thinking, it looks like you

that make up department must be brilliant. Prepare yourself, we are

going to see a clip, John Foulds stock it is the last time I'd try

and talk Hollywood with someone who has been to Hollywood. This is a

clip when you go to find out the kids that has been missed. It is in

Toronto. A what is it? No idea, I have never seen it

before. They are always putting these things up. A remember the

first time I ran into Chicago. There is a small trauma to your

gift wrapped, but I can fix it. I can wrap anything with three strips

of sticky tape. Fantastic, and wrap It was Ashley Jensen and Bill Nighy.

That is out on 11th November. Unless you got thick kids, then it

is out in February! Christmas can I don't know whether you find this

funny, or disturbing. It depends on whether you have children. Have you

seen this? It is called scared of Santa, it is a whole book of

pictures of children who are scared I think it's quite funny. Look at

that child! Look how rubbish the Santa is. We asked people in the

audience if they had any pictures of themselves with Santa. Some

people did. Staff? That looks quite recent! It was seven years ago.

he a nice Santa? I don't think he asked me what I want for Christmas,

so that was disappointing. He was Can I ask, where do you get an

audience from who happened to walk around with photographs of

themselves? They Eija -- the e mail them. They are not just in their

Now, you are smiling in this picture. See if you think there

might be some fear. It looks like somebody is pulling Santa through

This one is weird. Elizabeth? This looks like a scene from a really

disturbing film. The Blair Witch Project, the Christmas special, or

something. Look at that. It is It's like when you develop the

picture, suddenly Santa was in it. It was taken at Easter! That is the

terrifying thing. Megan, this is not a picture of you but your

boyfriend. That is Chris. How old was he? Four, I don't know. There

he is now. He is not with Santa but God knows, it could not be a more

Christmas like picture. Here he is Are you even allowed to show that

on television? A just pass it on to If people want to spend Christmas

with Joanna Lumley they can this year. You're on stage? It is a

Christmas play. It is called the Lion in Winter. It is the story of

a family having the most massive argument over Christmas. It is a

fractured family, it has divorces, stepchildren, there will squabbling,

who loves who, who has sided with who? -- they are all squabbling.

And it just happens they are all royal. There is a princess, a queen.

It is pretty steep. Sounds like a game of poker! Pretty much. It is

extraordinary. Very funny but quite dark. It is all completely true. It

is about Britain, England as it was, Henry the second and his wife who

was called Eleanor of Aquitaine, a huge area of France. You are in

with Robert Lindsay? His fantastic. -- he is fantastic. Eleanor was 11

years older than Henry. You do not look thrilled to be with him here.

Is that acting? They it is good acting. That is as good at it it --

As Good As It gets. Where did you get that from? The internet! How

many times?! I hope you have not got pictures of me off the internet.

It opens next week and runs right through to the end of January.

There is snow in it? No. It is a phenomenal set. It is set in a

castle in 1183. Flagstone floors and great arches. We are in the

Haymarket Theatre, one of the loveliest London theatres, it goes

right to the back, the stage. It issued with vast arches. It is like

being in a cathedral, it is thrilling. Good frocks. Is there a

lion in it? Keep up! After the interval. Will the lie-in be in it

now? All the thick Kids Allowed going to the film, there is a lion

You have done stage work, you seemed too young to have had a film

and stage career, but you have. started off in pantomime. Did you

ever do it? I have. Professional? As opposed to what?! I did, when I

first went full-time as a comic I did a pantomime with Darren Day and

to his new walks, and a few others. That was Dick Whittington's. We did

it in the Lawry theatre in Salford, Manchester. It is a lovely theatre

and Salford is quite a deprived area so they did what many councils

do and said this is a deprived area, There is gang violence and

deprivation, they need a lovely theatre. The gang Stone shoot each

other when there is a ballet on! -- dens don't shoot each other. --

For the matinee they brought all the schools of Salford in, so 1700

kids in Salford, and we did the scene where somebody is being

chased and you think come on kids, tell us where he is. I sold the

ship with Dick Whittington, the captain, there was the bit where we

got chased and there was 1700 kids in there and that is when you

realise how tough Salford is. There were 1700 kids and no one of them

wanted to snitch! Where is he? Your run your own! -- You're on your own.

Joanna also has a book out. It is kind of a memoir, it has so many

photographs, theatre programmes... It is photograph lead. His pictures

with some writing around it. photos are genius. There is a

picture of you as a little baby Look at her! Someone said we are

taking you to Santa. I had not seen a lot of these because they were in

your house, presumably. That is Joanna Lumley modelling... Well,

not everybody could wear that. had to bring our own accessories

and they are my own yellow boots, so they look a bit shabby. We were

not very rich. We got �4 an hour. Modelling cannot have changed much

over the years, yet you do not see poses like that as much as you used

to. Look at their shoes. I loved them so. I was six foot two inches

in those shoes. You do look fantastic. You look less good in

this one. It is a knitting pattern. It is hard to do that. Any model

would struggle with wall. -- wool. The headline - young, gay,

simpleton it. -- simple to knot. -- The marketing department thought

right, it makes a knitting in with tenpin bowling, that will make it

popular! You mixed some looks. Baby Doll, schoolgirl, bride-to-be,

young mum, sophisticated hostess... Person laughing at fruit! We always

had to be seen a laughing at something. If there was some fruit

and I was in my picture, probably in something knitted, I would be

going like this... And sometimes John Bishop, you have been on your

travels, touring the land, and now you bring us a DVD of the tour.

taught from the autumn until June, so the DVD is of that. In all of

your shows you talk about your family, your wife, your kids. You

are very honest about them. Are they OK about that? To be honest, I

have not got a wife. It took a while for me to come out but... The

truth of the matter is I never thought I would be a comedian so

when I ended up walking on stage I did not walk on with a head full of

jokes, I went on, talked about what has just gone on. If you are

married the children that is what has just gone on. It is what

everyone is going through. As your kids get old are they... There are

few things were you walk into the bedroom and they say dad, you're

not saying anything about that! You say, all right. A and now you have.

I will have to go out. We're at a funny stage because my family, none

of us expected this to happen so we are a bit surprised. I have been on

tour, it was great, I have come back as the hero coming back home,

I have been on my travels, the conquering hero, it is wonderful,

didn't we do well? I have been home for two months and my wife said I

was going to have two years of, spent time with the family, build

up relationships, she has said do us a favour, go off on tour again!

So I will go back out again next year. That will be about what

happens between now and then, because otherwise you can only talk

about what your life is about, otherwise it is not true. It is a

big tour. A arenas. It will be a challenge, it will be good.

Sunshine Tour DVD is out on 14th November. Look lads, I've got to be

honest, this isn't my idea but your mum thinks I should explain some

things to you. What, Dad? Things are going to change around here

because first of all I've got no company car any more, it has gone.

We got rid of it. The holidays you are used to going on, we probably

cannot go on those for a while because I am not sure what money I

will make. As a result, I can't guarantee you will get the presence

you're used to getting. -- presents. And they went why, Dad? I said

because I have left my job, boys. They win, no, what are you going to

do? A said I'm going to be a comedian! They said well, you're

That is a true conversation. you will watching Strictly Come

Dancing? When I can. A have you been asked to be on it? Yes.

you say no? Clearly. That will be the series I did not see. Every

year, an unlikely star emerges. Let's lead her to the likes. It's

Congratulations, are you enjoying Strictly Come Dancing? I do enjoy

it. It has surprised me how much I do enjoy it. It is intense, but I

love it. Do you think you are getting better? I do think so.

will be honest with you. I was away when it started. And my mother was

on the phone and she described your dancing and when I watched it, you

were better than I expected. This always happens. Obviously people

have known you for a long time because of Sven-Goran Eriksson.

years in the UK. Also Trevor Nunn, because he is working with Joanna.

What I want to know is what do you You are an international lawyer.

you have an office? No, I used to. Tell us, what is it? What is your

question? What do you do? I have always been doing public affairs,

working for a private or public company, mainly with politicians

and sent them the right message on how to create a new look. Was this

in its elite? It was in Italy. Italy. I have been working with a

few lawyers will stop --. I am using my networking around the

world. I am glad I asked! I am all over its Nancy! Youth and Anton,

could sparks fly between the two of you? My future husband. We have a

great relationship. I think we made very good TV, what do you think?

am enjoying watching news. Everyone else turns up in rehearsals in

tracksuits, why does he turn up in a shirt and tie to rehearse, he

must be roasting? It is his style, I do love that. Like in English

gentleman. No, an English gentleman dancers like that... If you have

ever seen an English gentleman dance, get amide DVD. Style and

manners. Tomorrow night, what are you going to be giving us? A cannot

believe I am here tonight. What we you be giving us tomorrow night?

rumba. It is a Hallowe'en special show. Sorry, it is the way you are

pulling your skirt down, I thought we are getting so rumba then.

am getting ready. It is a love dance. It has been all week for

preparation. I am not a great dancer, but it is fun. After it

finishes, what are you going to do? A few things. I am writing two

books. My TV shows. You have a TV show? It probably, I am not going

to say any more. Well good luck with your next round,

what are you giving us? Nancy, how do you say "it's time for some

music now" in Italian? Ladies and gentlemen, singing Suck

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 52 seconds

# Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you.

# I bought my aching heart into a pop song.

# I could not get the hang of poetry.

It is not a skirt goal, it is a shorn off shotgun.

# I can only hope you have got it aimed at me. # Sit next to me

before I go. # Go, go, go.

# Jigsaw women with horror movie shoes.

# Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you

# I often wonder where you are. # Baby I was made to break your

# Sits next to me before I go. # Go, Go, Go.

# And Jigsaw women horror-movie shoes.

# The cruel to me because I am a The Arctic Monkeys. I believe it

Alex and Matthew are joining us. Thanks for doing that. Thanks for

having us. It is the title track. Some groups go mad on art work, not

the Arctic Monkeys. The single is out on the 31st? Is that right?

Before we go it is time to have a story in the red shirt. Who is our

first? Hello. My name is Karen. Where are you from? Dublin. Do you

live here now. What do you do here? I am an office manager. Here that

the Nancy, she is an office manager!

What is your story? Myself and my family were a way staying by a

river. On the Friday evening we went down to the little bar for a

few drinks and there were at the Group of Austrians. They had been

fishing, but they were much quieter than us and they left earlier. Or

we left too late and too drunk and we were walking by their chalet and

the curtains were open. And my mother thought she should invite

them back to our chalet for a drink. She ran up to the window and she

went... They misunderstood. It was good, but not good enough.

That a mother could have got a fright. Is somebody else in the

chair? Hello. Hello. What is your name? Cara. Where are you from?

York. Really? Why the hell are you here? I am a theatre director, and

I think the theatre seemed is more stimulating here than in New York

to be honest. We don't have time for this! One

more. Hello. Hello. How are you? am good. What is your name? My name

is Debbie from California. We love you in the United States. Do you

find the theatre scene stimulating here? Incredibly! I thought you

would. How old are you? I am retired. What did you used to do?

used to raise money. OK... Are few go with your story. I was running

for the US Congress... Weight and minute! Are weak slipping into a

parallel universe? We have a congresswoman hopeful in the red

shirt. Not any more. You running for Congress? It was election

morning. I thought you were going to say running for a bus! Running

for Congress?! I was running for Congress and it was election

morning and a group of us were standing by the road, parents, kids,

grandparents and the mayor. We were all waving the American flag and

the traffic is running by. A man yelled out of his car "I will vote

for you if you show me your tits" us. My campaign manager sent to me

and said to Notts say a thing. So I yelled back at the man, come back

around. He did, and I did, and there was a pile-up. A very good

stories. Get up and walk. You can contact us on our website. Thanks

to all my guests. The Arctic Monkeys. The John Bishop, Joanna