Episode 3 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight on the good ship Norton, the star of Pirates of the

Caribbean. To starboard! To port! Here comes the big one! Let's start

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Hello everyone! And welcome, sit

yourselves down. Everyone excited? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. I know, I am,

we have a good one for you tonight. Yes, the one and only, Johnny Depp

is here! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. That's not all, Oscar nominee Carey

Mulligan is here, top Irish comic Ed Byrne is on the show, writer,

director and actor, Ricky Gervais is here. Plus, we have music from

Snow Patrol! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. That's a line-up, isn't it? Of

course, thrilled to have Ricky Gervais back on the show. He has a

new series out called Life's Too Short. Now, the show - it's a hit,

Ricky. The show follows the life of a showbiz dwarf, you think what

does Ricky know about that? LAUGHTER.

Carey Mulligan is here. APPLAUSE. Obviously, she was Oscar-nominated

for An Education and she's finished a new film called Shame, it's about

a young sex addict. We all know who that's based on. LAUGHTER. Yes, who

knew Justin Bieber liked sex? He wasn't that keen when I asked

him. About it!, about the subject. Justin has been accused of

fathering a child after a back stage romp that lasted 30 seconds.

Ah, Justin by name, Justin by nature.

APPLAUSE. Delighted to welcome Johnny Depp on to this show. I

should warn you that as I speak he is on his way from the premiere of

his new film The Rum Diary. In the film Johnny's character spends most

of his time drinking rum. So many different kinds of rum, dark rum,

white white rum, Red Rum. He was a racehorse in the 80s, remember

that? Johnnie is probably most fame ouz Captain Jack Sparrow in The

Pirates of the Caribbean. There he is. Those films they are fun but

find them frightening. Do you remember the Kraken, a huge man-

eating squid. Don't be frightened but here is a huge man-eating squid.

Yeah. LAUGHTER. It's a huge man, eating squid.

APPLAUSE let's get some guests on. Johnny Depp will be joining us

later, and also music from Snow Patrol. First, he is the perfect

guest for a bonfire night, it's Ed Byrne. Hello, Sir.

Sit yourself down. You are very welcome. She's an an -- Oscar-

nominated firecracker, it's Carey Mulligan. Oh, so beautiful! Sit

yourself down. And what a guy, it's comedy superstar, Ricky Gervais.

APPLAUSE. It's a tuxedo, very nice. Everyone looking lovely. Gorgeous,

the shoes, look at the shoes. high. They're amazing. Now, listen,

I want to check before Mr Depp does arrive that there's going to be no

abgwardness on -- awkwardness on the sofa, at the Golden Globes you

were less than kind about Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie's film.

haven't seen this one. I hadn't seen that one, I still haven't. It

didn't stop me, though. He will be all right. Course he will be all

right! I didn't buy the controversy really. I think that was the press

keeping it going. Who was really offended? Who did I really offend?

I was there, I think you offended quite a few people. APPLAUSE.

Ridiculous, he is in the new show, you know. Everyone was going, you

insulted everyone, Johnny Depp was furious, so I sent him an e-mail

and said sorry about the Globes, how would you like to get your own

back? He went, I loved it. Of course I wasn't annoyed. It's

ridiculous. He wasn't annoyed at all. Was Angelina Jolie in Life's

Too Short as well? I didn't ask her, she didn't look so happy. Carey,

you blamed Johnny Depp for ruining your hair? No, I played a tiny

prostitute part in Public Enemies for a day. You don't mean a dwarf

prostitute? You played a tiny prostitute. A tiny prostitute part

in Public Enemies and they convinced knee dye my hair white --

me to dye my hair white and it fell out. Didn't you kiss him? A lot and

it got cut from the film. Poor Johnny Depp. How many times did you

ks him? I at this it was 16 because I was so uncomfortable. 16 times.

But it got cut out. It got cut because I looked so uncomfortable.

Really? Yeah, I was kissing Johnny Depp so I got really nervous.

could could blame you. Ed, you have a beef with Johnny Depp? Apart from

the fact he stole my my look? I get fed up with being confused with you

him all the time, it's annoying. Shall we compare? There is Ed. That

is amazing. APPLAUSE. Have you got one of Johnny Vegas

for me? No. Right, Carey Mulligan, I love what's happened to you. It's

fabulous. Every now and again it happens to someone where no one

knew you, suddenly you were nominated for Oscars, the hottest

girl on planet earth. Are you comfortable with all this yet?

I feel like I have won an aud - no, not at all, it's very strange.

is extraordinary is that apart from the odd school play your first ever

job was Pride and Prejudice. Yeah, there I am. Oh! Yeah. Better now, I

feel. Success has changed you. For the best, I feel. Yeah, it was my

first job. I giggled a lot, I I didn't do a lot. Now you have so

many people wanted this role, but you are playing Daisy in The Great

Gatsby opposite Leonardo Di Caprio. Yes. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Is it a

bit the Johnny Depp thing, you are a fan, I assume? Yeah, I grew up

watching everything he had ever done. I have to hide my inner fan

around him. It's terrible. He claims to not be able to dance and

we are doing a dancing scene and I have to hide the fact that I know

that he can dance because I have seen him dance in Titanic. I want

to make him tap dance, but I don't. Yeah, you are a crap dancer! Great

if they rolled that into the dialogue, if you were to say, yeah,

I saw you dance in Titanic. You are going back to Australia very soon

to finish that film. It's why you are here tonight to talk about

Shame because it doesn't really come out until January 13th. Yes.

can tell you because I know, it's written down. I have seen a preview

of this film, it's an amazing film. Thank you. It's a very different

film. For an audience member it's extreme. I am assuming to be in it

was quite an extreme experience? It's a little bit racy. It is, it

deals with addiction but a particular sort of addiction.

This character is addicted. Yeah. He is what? Addicted. Sorry. I am

talking around the film. The only ever time I hear that is when they

go I am sex addicted, they mean I got caught, now I go to the

Priorary. Is there really sex addiction? When you watch this film,

it lays him quite low, I would say. OK. I am now going to show you a

clip which isn't really about sex or addiction. The only clip that

cow show. So it's you, you are a singer, you have just performed a

song and you are meeting your brother's boss. Go!

We got a problem. Your sister cannot be taking the bus, I know a

car who owns a car, we are going to drive around and you are going to

learn thousand drive. -- learn how to drive. I would love that. We are

going to get you a golf cart. now we are talking. Yeah, everybody

should drive golf carts. Right up 5th Avenue. They should, it would

be cleaner and greener, it would be great for the city. Sounds great.

love your brother. What an amazing man. How long are you here for?

don't know. Can I see you again? Please, is that too ford? I I --

forward? I find you fascinating. I would love to see you again. Listen,

this is a celebration, let's get get champagne. Yes!

APPLAUSE. So good in it. You really are. The

other thing I love is lots of actors they moan about the

lifestyle, having to live in hotels, but presumably you like it because

you grew up in hotels? I did. My dad is here. I can't see him,

though. But my dad is here. He will be very quiet now. There he is!

There is my dad! APPLAUSE. My dad was a hotel manager. Is it a nice

life, presumably you don't have to clean up or anything? Yeah, it's

very nice. I didn't know anything else. Did you ever have an argument

with your parents and they go you treat this house like a - oh!

old were you when you got out of hotels? Dad? 13. No, because we

move - sorry, stop talking to my dad! You are allowed to talk to

your father. When we moved back to London it was like when I was seven

and a half. Really, OK. Yes. this comfortable for you, this

conversation? Is it more or less comfortable watching a film with

your daughter in it about sex addiction? Has your dad seen it.

not allowed. Can I not - can I just say, don't. I can't imagine a

father enjoying it. I am embarrassed for you. There's

nothing worse. It's very good and she's nominated for an Oscar, you

will enjoy that. It will be great. I don't watch people having sex

with my mum and dad. People are having sex with your mum and dad?

Listen, ladies and gentlemen, apparently Johnny Depp will be here

shortly, I am told. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. A lot of love in the room.

A few fans in the audience. Ed, you are touring at the moment. Yeah.

Very quickly, do you still have the vile cat? I still have a cat, yeah,

he is not that vile but he brings in things and it's a bit disgusting.

He seems worse than most cats. is very good at bringing stuff in

from inside. Didn't he bring in a tpezant? A live pheazant. That's

the biggest thing still he has brought in. He brought in, it was

one of those things, all right, have you ever had a blue tit or a

chaffinch get in your house, they suddenly seem massive, you are

being terrified. See a pheasant, they're big outside. In your living

room they're enormous. Certain things seem bigger inside than

outside and you ladies would do well to bear that in mind. It was

the funniest thing and this pheasant, which wasn't keen on

moving out. Looking at the cat like I am annoyed with him but I am also

impressed he's done this and he is looking back at me like he is

impressed but also scared. Going, I know, it's massive, isn't it? I

will be honest, I thought it was big when it was outside, it's huge.

Anyway, I got you this. If you don't want it put it on ebay.

you brought home some terrible stuff. Can I just say, it's my

I am allowed! Ed, you are on tour until the 9th December. The DVD is

out there. Do I hear the clinking of rum bottles? The buckling of

swash? Yes, he is here, please They are excited. They are very

excited. How are you, sir? I am Presumably... Is that enjoyable?

is a pleasure, yes. How was the premiere? It was good, yes, very

good. And the crowd showed up and screamed? There was a bit of that.

Does it get out of hand? There is a picture from the New York premiere

of The Rum Diary. What went on? was the high Mick manoeuvre. I had

something lodged. Really? No, No. You I just being manhandled by

somebody. A I was. I have to press charges. We are delighted you are

here, I'm surprised you were here so quickly, because you are so

lovely tee off fans, that the story of you as Captain Jack, darling to

see that little girl in Greenwich, that is an amazing story. -- are

going to see that little girl. got a letter, I got this week

little letter from a little girl who was going to school three

minutes away from where we were shooting. And she said, we need to

escape. So I thought, on a lunch break, we will go over. Bring about

12 pirates, and go ape! And we did. And it was really, really fun and

really sweet. Some were scared, very scared. How the hell did that

Let's talk about The Rum Diary. Presumably, a real labour of love

for you. You found the original manuscript 14 years...? I was with

Hunter S Thompson, and we were looking through the manuscript for

fear and loathing in Las Vegas, I was preparing for the film, and I

found this other box, and there was The Rum Diary. And he didn't

remember writing it? No, No. That is kind of a stretch. He didn't

remember writing it, it was written in 1959, 1960. I talked him into it.

And it is presumably semi- autobiographical? Most definitely.

So it was kind of the Hunter S Thompson before he found his voice,

before he found the avenue for the rage. So he was a journalist in

Puerto Rico, going through these adventures? You were a good friend

with him? Most definitely. sounds like the sort of person,

quite hard to be friends... Could you relax with him? Oh, yeah.

Really? Tell us about the first time you ever met him. The first

time I met him, it was a part in Woody Creek, Colorado, I was

sitting at the back, there was a scheduled meeting. It was about

midnight, I was sitting at the back of this bar, and suddenly the front

door opened, and I saw sparks. These hideous barks that what kind

of every where. And then I realised as he came closer, the sea was

parting. People were screaming. Hurling themselves out of the way.

Basically, in his left hand, he had a 3 ft cattle prod, and in his

right hand, he had a tasered gun. The next thing I heard was, "out of

the way, you bustards". Then we should hands, and went back to his

house. And I shot it with a shotgun. And it went off? Yes. It was an 80

ft fireball, huge. That sounds like fun, but again, I wouldn't relax. I

wouldn't sleep and that house. You slept in the house. It wasn't a

council house! I was going to invite you back to mind after this,

but I think you would be disappointed. I can bring things to

blow up. Struck something to the cat! He looks so big in the House!

When he died, the Ashes thing, was that your idea, was that in his

will? What he wanted was to be blown out of a 150 ft cannon. And

shot into the stratosphere. And I think he knew that I was the only

one stupid enough to make that happen. And I did. Did it work?

yeah! We are going to show a clip of The Rum Diary, it opens on 11th

November. You have had a big night here, you have lost at the front

seat. Yes, our car has been stripped. But you need to get back

What is that? Too much weight on the axle. Try and move forward a

bit. I'm going to be a week late. What I do you doing? I suddenly

Oh my God, it is the coppers we set It is a very funny film, but it is

also a romantic film. She is so beautiful. Yes, she is a call back

to the old school movie stars. is nearly as beautiful as Carey

Mulligan. On the verge. I walked into a room with her last weekend I

almost fell over, I couldn't look her in the eye, she sort of

blindingly beautiful. Even I noticed! She is incredibly

beautiful. It strikes me that in the beginning of your career, you

must have had so much pressure to go down the sort of handsome

leading man that route. Was it hard I think it has been tough on Ready,

I really do! He suffers. -- on Ricky. Do your pout? Come on.

one you stole off me! By the way, I really love your band. I really do.

Jarvis Cocker, ladies and gentlemen! Jarvis Cocker, from Blur.

I think, what is amazing about you is you have turned from being a

real character actor, in two, you are the best character actor in the

world. Most character actors also appearing, you have turned been a

character actor into been a global superstar. I think it is some form

of schizophrenia that has just worked for me. Those characters,

they are so big, Captain Jack Sparrow, the Mad Hatter, do you

come to be set with those fully formed, or do you work with the

director, how does it happened? Generally, they are born out of...

I have had characters born out of the sauna. A take it easy. You can

feel it coming on, can't you? audience are always going to be on

your side. No, these characters that are born out of strange,

extreme heat, all these thoughts and stuff, you bring it to set, and

it is what I enjoy, the extreme... Quiet at the end of the first take.

Action, you go and do your bit, and then suddenly, you hear, "cut!"

silence. So does that give you pleasure, when the studio

executives are... Of course. That is the only way you know you're

doing the right thing. Do they usually have a conversation with

you, are you doing that for the whole film...? Is generally start

But you know... You would just swinging, you have a big stick, and

you are swimming. -- swinging. broke a window. He threw Alekna

through a window, smashed the window. -- a lemon. He always seems

shy, but he wasn't shy on this day, and he has got a wicked sense of

humour. If people knew what he was really like, his career would be

over. So in one scene, I am helping... I am helping Warwick get

shoved down the toilet, as you do. I am begging his legs in, I'm

saying, if it breaks, we get another one in. I'm laughing, and

Warwick is laughing. At one point, he goes, "look at Johnny!" and he

says to me, "you don't mind if I masturbate what you're doing that?"

and someone took a picture of the moment, but he had stopped by then.

I think we have got a picture. Is that why you are laughing so much?

But I had finished by then. Sir your art in Life's Too Short,

it starts on November tent, and you lie in episode two. Is it fair to

say this is more like Extras than the office? It is kind of like both,

it is a fake documentary, but if the Office reflected those quaint

docusoaps from the Nineties, this is much more up-to-date, with B-

list celebrities, leaving their lifelike an open wound. Like Peter

Andre. I will not be at any one! I suppose he has got a terrible

accountant, so he has got a tax bill, his career is on the slide,

he is not getting films any more, so he agreed to do this fly-on-the-

wall, let the cameras into his house, to try and get back onto the

top, he is a manipulative, he runs an agency, but he steals all the

best jobs for himself. He let out all the other dwarfs to be human

bowling balls and stuff. And Johnny is playing himself, and he is doing

a new Dumbarton dawn, Rumpelstiltskin. -- a new Tim

Burton film. Honestly, it was an incredible day, it was the last day

of shooting, and it was amazing. The things he came up with, making

Warwick do. He came out of nowhere. He made him dance for about eight

minutes. We have got a clip of Johnny and Warwick and yourself and

Here they are, the lads. Have you met before? Johnny, this is Stephen.

And Ricky there. I remember him from the Golden Globes. Just doing

another film that is going to make loads of money. Probably a lot more

money than any film you have ever made. Good. Just writing, I write

and direct all my own stuff. great for you. That must be so

great. I'm working with a great director now, Tim Burton, have you

heard of him? The film itself is really brilliant. I'm playing a

really interesting character. Do you have any idea who might leading

lady is in this film? In the Tim Burton film a? Helena Bonham

Carter? Attack in the dark. Have I done something to offend you?

do you mean? Trashing the in front of 200 million people at the Golden

Globes? That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny. You like jokes?

Because I got together with a few pals after the awards, and we wrote

some jokes, about you. Did you notice, are you are going to carry

this the EU for the rest of your In terms of controversy, Ricky, you

are not shy. Do you like getting into trouble, do you like...?

don't get into trouble. I am a comedian. Fred West gets into

trouble. There's paedophiles with careers, what have I ever done?

the end of the Golden Globes, just in case you never anyone unoffended

how did you sign off? I thanked everyone and thanks to God for

making me an atheist. You can say here but in America they take that

stuff seriously. Yeah, there's about 10% is athist. They were

founded by it. God lives in the Mid-west. He has a place there.

it the next day, after the Golden Globes that someone sent you a

picture of the Church? Oh, yeah. I think some Reverend somewhere or

some Bishop did a sermon for me to save my soul because I am going to

hell, of course. This is the picture. That's real. It's real,

yeah. A sermon for Ricky Gervais. Was it the same day... That's in LA.

In New York they named a sandwich after me. See in the window there,

a sandwich for Ricky Gervais. I am going to hell, but there's

cheese and ham. You are a comedian, but as actors do you need to be

more careful about what you say and do? I heard, presumably because you

are Johnny Depp, like I read a story, because you were coming from

Lima to Miami I think and you were stopped at customs? Oh, yeah.

you hadn't been Johnny Depp they probably wouldn't have stopped you.

Its an interesting route, Lima, Peru to Miami. It does sound like a

drug run. They were already expecting some things and I did

have some things. There was a soft bag and the customs guy said do you

mind opening this up? He said first what is in there? I said stuffed

piranhas. And some vampire bats. Unzipped. And then there just

happened to be some sort of vitamin powder that I was taking at the

time. Yes, Johnny. In all serious seriousness. Otherwise I would

still be in jail. When I unzipped it, poof! And there were these

piranhas and bats covered in white powder. Never mind the "Coe cane" -

- "cocaine", why did you have you bats and piranhas? It was important.

I had to brining them home. The guy thought he had found the motherload.

Two-hander. He didn't go through with it, just so you know. I am

still a virgin, oh, I was until Ricky. Did you say that's vitamin

powder, and he believed you? He did not believe me. What did they do?

Everyone came out with guns and things like that. Wow. Did you put

a knife and go up the rigging to get away? That's what I would have

done. Were you in trouble at customs, Ed? I remember immigration

in the States one time, I panicked, the guy was like what do you do? I

was a comedian, straightway he goes tell me a joke and I panicked,

because if this isn't funny he is not going to believe me and I can't

get in. Straightaway I go what do you call an American - oh, no.

That's not going to work. I say something and terrorism and

something like that and I just panicked and I came out with a joke

that wasn't that funny. Why do Morris dancers wear bells, so the

blind can be irritated by them as well. He doesn't know what a Morris

dancer is. It was the worst heckle I have ever had, he just went, I am

going to put actor. APPLAUSE. Thank you all very much for being here

tonight. In a moment we will have tonight's stories in the red chair,

but first music. Singing their new single This Isn't Everything You

# You can't find the phone # So you can call it off

# But it might be for the best # You can't walk away, anyway

# Because you've nowhere else to go # Is he worth all this

# Is it a simple yes? # Cause if you have to think

# Feels like you loved him more # Than he loved you

# And you wish you had never met # Don't keel over now

# Don't keel over # Don't keel over now

# Don't keel over # And in one little moment it all

implodes # This isn't everything you are

# Breathe deeply in the silence # No sudden moves

# This isn't everything you are # Just take the hand that's offered

# And hold on tight # This isn't everything you are

# There's joy not far from here, right

# I know there is # This isn't everything you are

# When you took the call # How could you know

# That he'd slipped away last night # And you wish you went home days

# To say goodbye or just hello # Don't keel over now

# Don't keel over # Don't keel over now

# Don't keel over # And in one little moment

# It all implodes # This isn't everything you are

# Breathe deeply in the silence # No sudden moves

# This isn't everything you are # Just take the hand that's offered

# And hold on tight # This isn't everything you are you

# There's joy not far from here right

# I know there is Oh, this isn't everything you are

# This isn't everything you are APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Snow Patrol,

ladies and gentlemen! Beautiful! That was brilliant. It's the new

single out from 13th, from their album Fallen Empires, released the

following day. Before we go tonight let's have a story or two in the

red chair. Who is up first? Hello, Sir? What's your name? Mohammad.

What do do you? I am a student. Radioography. A proper job! Off you

go with the story. When I was seven years old I went on holiday with my

mother to Egypt and during my time there I saw a donkey that was fully

erect. APPLAUSE. Do you mean he was standing up? So, tell us your best

story, I saw a donkey with an erection. OK, so you were shocked?

I was shocked and I was like, mum, what is this thing hanging out and

she said it's a spare leg. After that I was like, what is it for?

Then she reemployed when donkeys are happy they have five legs, and

when they're sad they tkoepbl have four. -- they only have four. A

week after I went back to school and my teacher asked us to draw a

picture of anything recently, anything interesting. This is a

good story. APPLAUSE. I drew two pictures of a donkey, one was happy

and the other one was sad. We love your story, Mohammad. You can go,

well done, Sir. APPLAUSE. Who is next? Hello.

What is your name? My name is Brook. What do you do? I work in PR.

yes, very vague! Off you go with your delightful tale. I actually

have a story about one of your guests. Oh-oh! I was riding the

tube home from work one day and I saw someone who looked suspiciously

like a celebrity that I happen to adore, and he was wearing a

stocking cap and sunglasses and I noticed that he had a tattoo on his

arm that said "jack" I leaned over and said excuse me are you who I

think you are and he looked at me and said, why, yes, I am Brad Pitt.

Needless to say it wasn't Brad Pitt and I got a great photo with Mr

Johnny Depp on the platform at Bank station. Is that true? APPLAUSE.

the tube? Yeah. Yeah, it's true. You were with a BBC journalist.

think you might just have a picture with some man. Or bizarrely a

picture with Brad Pitt. We should take a picture now. Do you want a

picture now? Yes, please. Quick, run around. That's very nice of you.

Run! Run, Brook!

It's really nice to see you again. Stand together and we will take a

screen grab of you. There you go. We will get that to you. All right,

well done, Brook. Well done everyone. If you would like to join

us on the show and have a go on the red chair you can contact us via

our website. Thank you so much to my guests. Snow Patrol, Ed Byrne,

Carey Mulligan, Ricky Gervais and Johnny Depp!