Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

We are at Wimbledon, isn't it Oh, no, it is raining. How can we

Oh, no, it is raining. How can we Oh, no, it is raining. How can we

entertain ourselves now? entertain ourselves now?

# We are on going on a summer # No more working for a week

two... APPLAUSE.

Oh! Oh! It is exciting. Good Oh! Oh! It is exciting. Good

Oh! Oh! It is exciting. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the

It is a good one tonight. Yes, he's It is a good one tonight. Yes, he's

Oh! Oh! It here, the one and only Sir Mark

Richardson is on the show. . And if a sir wasn't enough, we

have a Lord, Apprentice supremo, Lords Alan Sugar is here.

. I know. East End funny man, Flanagan is here. SCREAMING. And

shouting and singing, X Factor's finest, Kelly Rowland is with us.

Love her. SCREAMING. She Love her. SCREAMING. She is my

favourite. That is a lineup, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen, a pop

Princess, a night and Flanagan. Delighted Kelly Rowland is

returning to the show. One of favourites. I know she is a big fan

of Lord sugar. She is. No stranger to hearing the word you're fired.

Oh, pour Frankie Cocozza. Who knew Oh, pour Frankie Cocozza. Who knew

Frankie Cocozza was Italian for head. I didn't know. I did not know.

I know she is a fan of Sir Mark I know she is a fan of Sir Mark

Richardson. All the songs have meaning for her, Devil

Bachelor Boy, and of Talk Anymore. Chiefer that, wasn't

Cliff has been in show business for Cliff has been in show business for

over 50 years. I know! APPLAUSE. And finally, he agreed to come on my

show. Essentially, run out of excuses. Cliff keeps so active.

Loves skiing. You do wonder, is it hard to play the guitar and

the same time? I guess it is. Of course, Cliff had a huge hit

the film Summer Holiday where he spent all summer on a bus with sexy

young girls. I tell you, I hear they are making a sequel, Cliff is in the

lead and they have the sexy young girls back. Yeah. At least this

they won't have to pay for the bus fares. How exciting to have Lord

Sugar, host of the Apprentice. What a great show. Did you know

winner of the last series still has an important position in the

boardroom? He does. Of course, Lord Sugar's proudest achievement was

being made the Lord. Here he is in his finery. Marvellous. And of

course, we all know he for a deal. And I believe he got

that white fur trim at a bargain price.

Let's get the guests on. Later, I Let's get the guests on. Later, I

will be talking to Alan Sugar. First, up it is Micky Flanagan.

APPLAUSE. Very smart, sir. Sit APPLAUSE. Very smart, sir. Sit

yourself down. It is my favourite Kelly off at the telly, it is Kelly

Rowland. APPLAUSE. Wow! Welcome back. We are delighted to see you.

Wow! And he is the original Bachelor Boy, it is the one and only Sir Mark

Richardson. SCREAMING. Nice to see you, sir.

Welcome all. All right, calm down. Welcome all. All right, calm down.

You are very welcome. Sir Mark Richardson, your first time on

show. Yes. What happened? I don't know. I tried so hard to stay off.

No, we are delighted you are here. I am delighted. You say that now. You

will have a lovely evening. you. And Micky Flanagan, you

have been here before. I said yes straight away. No hesitation. I

there. Exciting for you on Friday night. I have not been out on a

Friday night for years. I reached the point if I queue to get up in a

nightclub and the bouncer says you can't come in, I say "

can't come in, I say "thanks, mate" can't come in, I say "thanks, mate".

My feet are killing me. And Kelly, SCREAMING Unk thank you. We are very

excited, you will be singing the single. Absolutely. Down For

Whatever later. Yes. I am so excited. Dancers and all sorts,

ladies and gentlemen. I will be doing the bagging. All right.

long as you know how to shake your booty. I can do that. Is that any

good. It is good. Mickey, do you watch the X Factor? Sometimes I do.

And sometimes you don't. You don't have to worry about it. I don't. I

looked once, there was a bloke like that with his hair just crying. And

I thought no, I r that's not the show for me. You are all right,

Mickey, he is gone. He said I have had sex with 10,000 women. Has

anybody got any Charlie. It is not the show for me, Cliff. Listen,

because people will be - won't be able to relax until I ask you a

couple of questions. Got it. Frankie, gone. He is gone. And

that... APPLAUSE. Oh! I do sorry, he is only 18. He is a

young man. I feel bad. One of your acts is coming back. You don't care.

How will I look at gAir Barlow this? I am excited about Amelia

coming back. She is amazing. She is everybody's favourite. She is the

one you let go. Just to my defence, that was a hard one. That really

was. For the judges to make a decision, you know... Is there

rift there? Was that all made up? I love Tulisa. We did have a little

bit of a tiff because she you know, against one of my girls.

Misha B, the bully. BOOING. Militia is

Misha B, the bully. BOOING. Militia is not a bully. Your old friend

Louis told you that. Misha B is from a bully, she a sweetheart. When

I watch X Factor, which I do sometimes, I think it is one of

best things that happened. There people that come out of that show

that you could two weeks before be shopping in a supermarket with. It

gives people a opportunity. It does. Two weeks

later most of them are again. In Asda. Sir Mark Richardson,

cover your ears to spare your blushes. I want to remind people how

successful this man is. He has sold, listen to this, Kelly, 250 million

albums. Plus. Over! Over 250 million. They are still selling.

Wow! Can I borrow a pound? I can give you a few records. All right.

This is another good one, if you add up every week that Cliff has

in the charts, he has been in the charts solidly for 20 years. Wow!

That is amazing. Wow! It goes without saying highest selling

artist in the UK of all time. Mark Richardson, ladies and

gentlemen. APPLAUSE. It is amazing. You must - I mean, obviously, you

are getting on with it, you brought out a new album, been on tour. Yes,

all right. She is a bit slow. Who is that, Sir Mark Richardson? I love

him. There must be moments as you sit in bed with sheets with a high

thread count, I imagine. You ponder your success and your long Jit. I

do. What answer do you come up with. I find it hard to believe because

when the Shadows and I got kicked off, we were one-hit wonders, here

today, gone tomorrow. The about

about selling the records is you did sell millions of bits of plastic.

And nowadays people download. You can be number within with 35,000

sells, we sold 80,000 a day. I don't know - I got in early. He could say

these nice things about me. Most of the people I hear singing, even the

losers sound unbelievably great. The other thing is, because your

mainstream and you have been in our homes for 53 years, when you started

out, you were shocking. People were shocked by you. They said I was. You

know the media. The media were desperate to have somebody that

could compete with Elvis. I used to go like this. They thought I was the

big sex symbol, one journal it said that the TV show Oh Boy. I Did,

that the TV show Oh Boy. I that the TV show Oh Boy. This crude

exhibitionist. Please, me. You are beautiful. Look at you. The enemy

said "is this new boy singer too sexy for Britain". I didn't say

wasn't sexy. No. You look there. Girls loved you so much, but

the boyfriend didn't like you, led to problems. The Drifters before

the Shadows. I played in London. they had one of these resolving

stages. We were going to play Elvis's Baby I Don't Care. Then all

these cheese rolls came flying up. I never sang a note. The thing

Somebody says I threw that cheese Somebody says I threw that cheese

roll. Remember that one. We look at that picture. Beautiful back then.

Isn't there a moment, Cliff, when you let yourself go, you are a

success, you are eating? The time I went to the States, it was so

early. We could not believe early. We could not believe we were

on the show the Biggest show of Stars and it was the people that we

loved. I went over there and six weeks, I put on a stone. The

food you have in the States, we were arriving at towns at 4am, something

open. We would have cornflakes with half and half. Half and half.

and half. Very good. I worked in the restaurant and had to do the coffee,

do you want half and half and all. His wife had it. Do you want half

and half aall. He went, "I don't know what you are saying, man". I

say half and half because I am biling wam.

Do you what started my first diet Do you what started my first diet

Do you what started my first diet was watching Coronation Street, one

was watching Coronation Street, one was watching Coronation Street, one

Do you what of the characters says "

of the characters says "I love that chubby Cliff Richard"

chubby Cliff Richard". That is a smack in the face. A smack in the

stomach. I went to the diet and have been on diets ever since. Kelly, you

look amazing. Thank you. APPLAUSE. You walked out and it is like wow.

Thank you. Do you do exercise. I do like to exercise. How many situps do

you do a day? Honestly? I do like to do 200 situps at night. Yes. At

night. 200? Not all through the night. No. It would take me

night to do 200. 6am, nearly finished. About 200 a night.

would be surprised how simple and things like that make you

better. I like the fact that exercise makes me feel good. It is

not about size. People say she went for a walk and that's what she looks

like. Yeah. A long walk. A brisk walk. Power walking. Mickey, have

you considered the gym? Have you considered... I have considered it.

You shouldn't laugh that hard. You look good. I am not one of those men

that - men don't, you know, if you are an egg on legs, you might start

panicking. Even then, look at my calves, babe, they are beautiful. I

did go to a gym a couple of years ago. I laid down on the mat to do

situps. I woke up two hours later. I felt fantastic. APPLAUSE. Cliff, of

course the highlight of any Cliff Richard fan every year is the annual

release of the Cliff Richard calendar. SCREAMING. I have to

honest. I have only been collecting them since 1982. Wow! Prior to that,

my mother wouldn't let me buy them. They only last a year, they are a

waste of money. What is amazing about these, you are timeless. The

only way to gauge what year they are is from the fashions or how it is

shot. Good game, Mickey and Kelly. Take this one, a classic. It is very

hard to guess. I will give you multiple choice, I don't know

you did to mini. She looks surprised.

You probably know the answer. You probably know the answer.

don't. Is this 1984, 1996 or 2001? I am going to go with - oh. Do that

again. Oh! I am going to go for 96. 96. I will go for 84. All the Cliff

fans got it wrong. This is December 1996. Yes. This next one, is this

older than 96 or newer than 96. I will say older. Older,. February

2000. Now, how long had you had that jacket? You could not have bought

that jacket in February 2000. don't remember the jacket. Really?

You had it a while. Oh, no. Wait. I bought this at an auction. They

it was yours. Broad shoulders, don't think so. You hang on to

clothes, you keep clothes. I find it hard to throw them away. I am trying

hard. That is why this game is hard. Is this older or newer than

this one? I think that one is older. You are wrong. It is October 2004.

It is newer than this one. Was that your tour of duty of Afghanistan?

Stylish. This one is easy. Older or Stylish. This one is easy. Older or

newer. February 1994. And finally, look at this hunk of man. SCREAMING

What year was this? I don't know. Because I have been sucking at this

game. I wondered what you were going to say there. That is such a

different game you shall talking about. I will tell you, that is

October 2011, ladies and gentlemen. Last month. That is amazing. That's

a great shot. You look good. Thank you. You are welcome. When we

about gym and stuff, there are certain people that will never look

like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I of those. When I saw that, I thought

maybe doing the gym helps because it gets rid of a little something. Do

you only eat one meal a day. That's not right. I did for a while. I

didn't like that very much. The regime I am on now lets me have

three good meals a day, I have to eat the right stuff. Not nan doughs.

Kelly, NANDOS and a brisk walk. Kelly, NANDOS and a brisk walk.

200 steps. Down to business. You still are working and getting out

there. New album, Soulicious. A lot of you went to the tour, I am sure.

Yes. Very good. This album, it went in at Number 10 in the charts. Is

fair to say you don't get that much radio air play with your stuff?

Things have changed greatly. understand what the policies are

more. I fought a lot of battles trying to make sure we had our music

played to the public. The thing I can't win. I make projects. This is

a project. I got a chance to sing with the Temptations, the

Styleistics, Freda Payne. All these people joined me. In a way, you have

to bypass radio. It is a shame. To me, radio and rock 'n' roll are hand

in glove. If something is a hit, like the Millennium Prayer, your

public and your fans love your music. They buy your music. What is

the disparity between them and musical executives? I don't know.

was the biggest selling British single of that year, but we couldn't

get the air play. It is unfair, it borders on ageism, now that I am

50... I love her. I am like OK. It is one of those things. We have

learn to live with us, including X Factor people. There come a point

when you won the competition, everybody is hot for you, you make

records. When you are trying to going that you need that kind of

help. All right. The DVD I hope make up for everything. The DVD,

yes. I have it here. Yeah, yeah. is all in hand. I appear to be on

idiot, I know what I am dock. Here is a taste of you on tour

# But she just wasn't it # But she just wasn't it

# For me the girl was all # The girl in the window...

That is in shops from Monday, 14 November.

November. November.

That is in Very good. I tell you what, I am a

little overknighthoods now, I will see you Sir and raise you a Lord.

Please welcome Lord Sugar. APPLAUSE Hello, sir. How nice to see you. Oh!

APPLAUSE. SCREAMING. How are you, Sir? How are you, Lords Sugar? I

mean, I am a bit frightened, Graham, the last time I came on you accused

me of aupsetting one of your guests. I saw you with Alex on the One Show,

who is the worst guest, that Lord Sugar. You said I upset a

somebody or other. She was talking about the chemistry on the sofa. And

I said: Sometimes it doesn't work. Pot, kettle. Two weeks ago, we had

Nancy Dallaglio and you go, Nancy, what do you do? Then she went off

and said, Sven, pasta, you said no, no, what do you actually do? Pot,

kettle. Don't you think? You are not going to upset any gets. Are

fan of Sir Cliff. What a legend to be sitting next to. Great guy. Have

you been to the concerts. The wife has and threatened not to let me in

the house unless I bring back a signed thing from Cliff and he has

given me one. I am OK. You get home and hear Devil Woman from the

lounge? Yeah. She loves him. Now, your book, your new book, the Way I

See It, is it a Jeremy Clarksonesque collection of rants? Who is

Clarkson? Who is he? Small show BBC Two. It is letting off steam,

bit of a rant here and there. It is also advice because the

Cliff, you take your appearance very seriously. You do, though. You

exercise like mad. Not like mad. Cliff, you play tennis, right. I do.

I don't know about you. The knees are having trouble. I am fine.

Pounding on the court. The back. You play doubles, though? No. Singles.

You used to put on a great tennis tournament once a year. I did. Never

invited me. It is happening again. I will stand right here. So I

pound on the courts any more. I gone into cycling. I ride bikes.

Also, you have a clever diet plan which you go into. Yeah. Talk us

through it. It is called - yeah. No, it is a good idea. It is a

idea. It happened in America. I was in America in that fla. Near Miami.

And a guy gave me collapse and they had the little fork with collapse,

pick them out. I thought I would embark upon eating main course using

this little fork. My wife looked at me like mad. What are you doing? I

am working on something here. I am eating with this little fork. And it

occurred to me that it took me ages to get halfway through the plate of

food, by which time the brain was telling me you are full up. It is a

little fork diet. I take a little fork around with me. You try it.

you are finding it difficult to follow the little fork diet, Lord

Sugar provides the difference between a large and small fork. No

stone let unturned. The attention to detail, I think it is called. Do you

have any knife as well? Americans, as you will know, don't use a

as well. They use the fork to mess around. That is it. Some of them

a shovel. And bucket. Yeah. In the book, there is advice in there,

there is life advice. Also things that annoy you. Yeah. As you see,

is a thick book. Let's go some of the things. There is a

chapter on mere low which is about you you are not a fan of pretentious

restaurants. Well, I am awfully sorry. I don't want to be accused of

upsetting one of your guests. Please don't. I have only frequented

America for the past 40 years in the state of Florida. That may

tell all. OK. It is not representative of the whole country.

It isn't. I pleaded fifth there. In that state, I have

across lots of restaurants, Italian restaurants, where there isn't an

Italian waiter, the guy is not from Italy, never been near Italy, they

make up all these names for Italian food that the Italians never heard

of. Never heard of it. Then they purport to know about wine. And they

come out offering me all sorts all that. I don't know anything. It

annoys me. It can go the other way. I was in an Italian and ordered the

bruschetta. The bloke says said and I said it is 8.

I said it is 8.50 for tomato and toast. Waiter beware. I love what

you do, if you don't like a meal. Well, I actually write the message

on the plate using the food. For example, it was mash potato left

over. You can move it armed with a knife and write little messages. It

can't be a long word. Crap isn't long. The waiter comes back. He

looks at it like that. Mash potato is good to do that with. If you get

string beans, they short-circuit it, you can make a long A and L with

that rather having to skull p the potato. You know what is perfect for

that, alphabet spaghetti. Some of the meals would be better off

that. You love the wine, Sir Cliff Richard. I enjoy it. You make

own. I don't make it. I have a good wine maker that comes from

Australia, plus the guy that lives in Portugal. This is too much. I

have a Sir, Lord, you are making your own own wine. I am piss poor.

Do you feel better? You stick me, sister. That's great. Not that

bad at the moment. Very good year. You did well. What do you actually

do? I am a waiter. I am here to have a go at him. It wasn't that bad,

that mash, Alan. Then, it is like Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.

Micky Flanagan has a DVD out. APPLAUSE. Easy to wrap. This is a

tour you just finished. The Out Out tour. I can't say it. Out Out. You

are like a pop star. You have hit bits that people love. I do. Are you

familiar with the Out Out stuff? If anyone isn't, this is a taste of it,

explain. In the UK, we have different levels of being out,

haven't we? You can go out, end up out, and then you can end up out,

out. Everybody knows what they are. You will find yourself saying to

people: I can't come out. I didn't even come out. I only popped out.

They will go but you will come out. I will come out but I am not coming

Talking about Out Out, that is out Talking about Out Out, that is out

on the 14 November. See you in charts. Y. It is hard to choose,

isn't it, Kelly, in the DVD What shall I buy. Kelly won't

understand a word of it. I have been to America. You don't understand

Cockneys. Can I tell you a story of a faux pas. In America, they all air

ass, where I come from, we call it a house. I took a girl out, on the way

home, I stopped her and said when we get out what are the chances of me

coming in your (ass) house? APPLAUSE It was a genuine mistake. I know she

said: Oh, yeah, you can come. I had to reassure her. I won't try to

you, you know. That is the short of mistake you can make over there.

They cannot understand a words. The Americans are so nice. You are

speaking to them and they say: I am sorry? Vent Julily they go like

this. You know they don't understand a words. OK, fine, yeah, I will see,

take care. Kelly, you will be singing for us. Absolutely. APPLAUSE

Thank you. Lord Sugar, you tweet about X Factor all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. You do, though. What happens is the wife likes to watch it. I

drive the Sky plus. You might not understand what that means, being

American. I understand what you are saying, OK. I drive the Sky Plus.

Artist comes on, sing, sing. Push, push forward. Panel, panel, adverts.

Kissing, everybody hugging, sod off. Go through that. And I loved you,

Simon, want to be here all my life. Through all that stuff. We manage to

get an hour and a half programme down to 25 minutes. Yeah. I read

somewhere, Cliff, that you said you entered, you wouldn't get

through the first audition. I don't think so. Not the way things are. If

we were starting at the same time, I might have stood a chance. The kids

that sing, they have had 60 years of influence. They don't know

are influenced by. It before they were born. It is all

there. They come out and sing fantastically. When we started off,

there had only been... Have you been watching this week? I think you

should enter. The over25 category is piss poor. We have kitty. Don't. She

makes you go oh, not yeah! I think would get further in X Factor than

on the Apprentice. Because I don't do Mondays. You know why? Because

you can't sing. How would you feel about somebody saying: I don't do

Mondays. I have 3,000 of them already. They wake up on

Tuesday. Are you going to come next year? We will see. I don't

know. Yes. Why wouldn't you. That is so nice. Britain has embraced you.

The new album, it seems to me, because it has a lot of dance stuff

on it, which is more European, more British, do you think your career is

more here now? No. I just came off of a number one for seven weeks in

America. I am happy. I can go both. It is a blessing. Not only that, to

be so far away from home, you still feel like you are at home,

appreciate the love I am getting here. Thank you. APPLAUSE. We are

about to love you musically. Thank you. You are giving us Down For

Whatever. Down For Whatever. It is a racy title. You said with. I am down

with whatever you said. You For Whatever. It is released on 21

November. If you would like to and get ready. There she goes.

APPLAUSE. Nandos and a brisk walk everybody. Stories in the red chair

but first singing Down For Whatever, it is Kelly Rowland. APPLAUSE.

# I'm down for # Baby let's get creative

# I'm down for whatever # There's no place I

# Tonight I'm ready to take # Imamazed by you

# You bring out a side I didn't # And I'll do

# Can't say no to # It ain't

# Mixed with # No baby every

# I'm down for whatever # When it comes to

# I could make love on the floor # I'm down for whatever

# Baby let's get creative # Cause with you I

# I'm down for whatever # I could make love on the

# I'm down for # Baby let's get creative

# Cause with you I # I'm down for whatever

# I'm down for whatever # I'm down for

# Let's Exmoor, see what # I'm waiting for you to

# No restraints # No restraints

# No regrets # No regrets

# Just give me your eye, I won't # Say

# And I'll do anything, can't say # It ain't juice, mixed

# No, baby every # I'm down for whatever

# When it is comes to # I could make love on the floor

# I'm down for whatever # Baby let's get creative

# Cause with you I # I'm down for whatever.

# I could make love on the # I'm down for whatever.

get creative # Cause with you I am

# I'm down for whatever. # I'm down for whatever. Tonight

you're making everything feel # Tonight shall I wanna get high and

touch # I'm down for whatever. When is

comes to # I could make love on the

# I'm down for whatever # Baby let's get creative

# Cause with you I # I'm down for whatever

# When it # floor

# I'm down for whatever. # Baby let's get creative

# Cause with you I am # I'm down for whatever. APPLAUSE.

Kelly Rowland, everybody. Sers APPLAUSE.

Come back here. That was fabulous. Come back here. That was fabulous.

Come back here. That was fabulous. Kelly Rowland. APPLAUSE. They love

Kelly Rowland. APPLAUSE. They love Kelly Rowland. APPLAUSE. They love

Come back here. her. Thank you so much. Singing and

dancing. That single is from This Is Me which is out on 28 November. Etc

LAUGHTER. Before we go, let's have a LAUGHTER. Before we go, let's have a

story in the red chair. Who is up first? I would like one much these

for my board room. It would be good. Imagine like that and the

of the room. With regret. Who is up first? It is like your boardroom.

What is your name? Mark. You must have a proper job, Mark. I am a

barrister. Are you really? Yes. You are doing this? Regretting

already. See, if you were one of his compliance, I recognise him. What

the hell? What sort of law do do? Employment discrimination.

LAUGHTER. We have time for one more. Hello, nice lady. How are you. I am

very well. What is your name, smilely lady. Michelle from

Galloway. Michelle from Galloway. It is a long name but still. What do

you do Michelle from Galloway. I started a new job on Monday. What is

it? It is doing PA. Doing PA. Is that a drug? Being a PA. You are a

PA. Not to anyone on the couch. I wish. Right. Your new employer might

be watching this. I am not sure made a clever decision. All right,

Michelle from Galloway, off you go. Basically, I moved here in the last

three weeks. I was visit anything March of this year. I bought

pair of very, very cheap high shoes, went over on my ankle walking to a

theatre. I couldn't walk, the theatre was five seconds away, I had

to get a taxi and basically we were going to Dirty Dancing. I had to be

carted in a wheelchair to show. We paid �100 each for the

tickets. The king of nice. I so wanted to be a baddie. Well done,