Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

Is the home of the talk show audience and here in amongst the

herd we find the mighty alpha male. LAUGHTER

He spent the last hour drinking at the watering hole.

LAUGHTER And soon he will be looking for a

suitable mate. LAUGHTER

Now the audience starts to respond as he utters his characteristic cry.

Let's start the show! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello! Thank you very much. Welcome one,

welcome all. Thank you. Thank you very much. What wonderful specimens

you all are! LAUGHTER

Have some of you been marking your territory, have you, have you? I

have got some big show business beasts, as you might have guessed,

wildlife legend, Sir David Attenborough is here.

Yes. Star of Charlies Angels, it is only Cameron Diaz.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Actress and director, Kathy Burke

is on the show. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Plus yes, there is more, we've got music from the fantastic Scissor

Sisters. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a fantastic line-up. It does have a familiar ring to do, doesn't

it, David Cameron Burke! LAUGHTER

Now, I'm going to be talking to Cameron about her new film. What to

expect when -- What To Expect When You're Expecting. A lot of of

people capture the magic moment their baby arrives. I hope no one

is one squeamish because we have got a photo of Angelina Jolie's

baby being delivered. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? We don't know. I'm

told that subconsciously women choose a man based on the kind of

baby they would like. So my tip ladies, pick a man with a small

head! LAUGHTER

Seriously. That lady is going, "If only I thought of that." I can't

wait to talk to Sir David Attenborough. He has filmed so

many... Yeah, give him a round of applause.

APPLAUSE He has had an amazing career. He

filmed so many memorable wildlife sequences. Here is a bear catching

a salmon and here he is a few minutes later ready to eat it.

LAUGHTER Am I on the menu? I remember there

was one sequence where a lion failed to catch a zebra and went

hungry, but not everyone found it sad.

LAUGHTER You would love to know, what are

they laughing at? LAUGHTER

What amuses zebras? David had to film the mating rituals of many

animals. They always seem up for the mating. Don't they always seem

up for the mating? When they find out they were being filmed...

LAUGHTER Oh they are playing, the sex tape.

Let's get some guests on. Welcome the fabulous Scissor Sisters.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Kathy Burke.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How are you? I'm good.

Have a seat. Have a seat. Have a seat.

He is the king of the jungle, it is Sir David Attenborough.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good to see you, sir. Very nice to

see you. Have a seat. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And she is our star guest, it is Cameron Diaz.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sit down.

Welcome to all three of you. .It is Very nice to see you all. We are

excited to see all three of you, but I happen to know Cameron, you

are excited to see David. I am so excited.

Really? I told them backstage we were making Sir David Attenborough

a sandwich. He is the meat in the middle our sandwich.

I will leave you to it. He is our slices of bread -- he is our meat

and we are the slices of bread. Didn't you want to be a zoologist?

Really. I wanted to study...

LAUGHTER I can teach you all sorts of things.

I've learned a lot from you already. Things I picked up on backstage, we

won't mention those, but I ended up studying the behaviour of animals.

It happened to be human animals as an actor, I study human behaviour.

And lots of discoveries? Lots of discoveries.

Big surprises. I have more surprises when I watch

your show. You should see the outtakes!

would love to see the outtakes. Maybe we should arrange a viewing.

Kathy, do you watch David's programme? I do.

Have you got animals? I have got animals, not wild animals. A couple

of pusies and a dog. What do you call them? Well, me dog

is called Shenanigans because we're Irish.

Do you sit in a park at night going, "Shenanigans." No. She only gets

her full name if she is naughty. Over wise she is Shanny, Poodle.

Lots of nicknames and then I have got two cats, Dave the Rave so-

called because when he was a kitten, he looked like he was up all night

on ecstasy. There wasn't a pick on him.

LAUGHTER And his sister is called Missy

Elliot because she is... LAUGHTER

She is like that. APPLAUSE

Well, we want to celebrate Sir David because it is a huge year for

you, not just The Queen having a Diamond Jubilee, 60 years of

broadcasting. APPLAUSE

It is phenomenal. Phenomenal. And still going strong? Yes, well not

sure about strong, but still going. Is it being marked in some way?

Have animals organised a concert? What's going to happen? Is there

some big do? No, we are going to do three programmes about looking back

over 60 years,. But you are pushing boundaries and breaking new

technology. This new series for Sky, the Kingdom of Plants in 3D, it is

similar cast on Sky 3D and in terms of the film, is what is is new the

way it is being filmed, or are we still finding things out about the

plants? Surprisingly lots of things we don't know about plants, you

know. There is a plant called Sun Due which we have here.

It is in the clip. It is a common plant. There is a

couple of different species in the moorlands and so on, but it is a

plant which has hairs on its leaves or little tips of sticky stuff at

the end and it eats insects and when the insect comes in, it closes

around it and and sucks it up. But if an insect comes there, and that

moves over, but this, not these, moves over, but this, not these,

but this one then moves over. So there is some communication between

this hair and that hair. We don't know what it is. We don't know how

it happens. Well, let's have a look at that

happening. What is amazing is how beautiful it is.

I find it hypnotic. The colours are extraordinary.

Plants may seem passive and inactive, but in fact, they move.

These are among the most mysterious. Sun Dews, each tentacle has a

glistening droplet. It may look like nectar, but it's not.

It's a glue. There are tentacles which have not

been touched by the insect and now start to bend towards it.

Finally the Sun Dew begins to fold its whole leave around its prey.

There will be no escape from this lethal embrace.

APPLAUSE Really Beautiful.

So the time lapse cameras on there, but do they wait for a fly to come

in or do they go, "There is a fly.". LAUGHTER

Dinner time. LAUGHTER

It must have been a joy to film this because it was filmed at Kew.

The great thing about Kew, there are plants from all over the world,

plants from the mountains, from the jungles and deserts and they are

all there. And not far from your house. That

must be a relief because even your last television series, they sent

you off to the North Pole and the South Pole? Yes. Which, that's

physically really demanding, isn't it? Well, only if you do it in 36

hours, but I have to tell you, I didn't walk.

LAUGHTER You have to wait for a helicopter.

While you are waiting for it, you are living in tents, you know, but

they are comfortable tents, warm tents.

But then they send you outside and make you do bits to camera?

very quickly. LAUGHTER

No, it is true. But actually it is a doddle, you know. If you get the

right gear, there is no problem, you know, but the difficulty is if

things go wrong. If you lose a glove, you may well have lost two

or three fingers, you know. Yes.

But if you don't lose a glove and you do things right, it's a cake

walk. Cameron, you did a wildlife series?

I did. I did a show called, yes, I did. I am not as well... Did you

strangele snakes? I have had snakes. My first pet, when I was eleven, my

mum and dad said, "What do you want for your birthday?" I got a snake

for my 11th birthday and he was a king snake named Norton. Really?

Her name was Norton. LAUGHTER

Norton? You know the Honey mooners and Norton was his side-kick. They

are just things that happen in my family and I did a show called

Tripping and I travelled around and... To Tanzania.

And I had that experience with the chimps there and their morning

ritual when they get up in the morning and the first thing the

alpha do is put his bum over the side and take a a crap and goes and

bangs the female. Wow. Pardon me. That footage is worth

something. It is just the order of things and

then he has breakfast, of course, after that and and that's how his

day starts. Correct? Yes. So I witnessed the correct thing?

It is Cameron Diaz! LAUGHTER

Because you do, you know, you do learn a lot from watching these

programmes, but the odd thing is they still have the power to shock

in terms of the level of violence and things. Are you self policing

in terms of what you show or is there some BBC body that goes,

"That's too gruesome.". People say we show too much. If they saw what

we left in the cutting room, the editing room that we cut out, they

would be appalled. You know, lions, when a lion catches a wildebeest,

it eats it alive and we don't show that. We show it very abbreviated,

but you have to be careful what you do because if you cut it all out

then you are telling an untruth. You are telling fairy stories and

naturalist programmes are not about fairy stories, they are about the

real world and you have to make a judgement and do it in the middle.

And when you are filming the mating, does it get to a point where you

feel like an old perve and, "I must stop filming this now because it

has gone on too long?". You see, your imagination is running away

Have you ever see birds mate? seen pigeons mate. How quick,

they're gone. With a lot of flapping about. They are showing

off to each other. The copulation, like that. It's known as the

kloakial kiss. Did you know that, Kathy? It's only what I've

experienced! Now, it has a name. Now it has a name. Thank you for

that. One of the things that does make your films so disTink ifive is

your your voice over. It gives it an air of seriousness and

enlightenment. We have a wildlife clip. I say wildlife, there is an

animal in it. If we look at this little slip clip. You may of seen

You feel his pain, don't you? If we play that again with serious mike.

If you do a little voice over. Let's see if it elvaits it. --

elevates it. Here it comes. Evening falls on a lush grasslands of

Croydon as the humble tortoise gently mounts his choosen mate. And,

in a dance as old as time itself, it rears its head and emits the

APPLAUSE So, now, Cameron Diaz, as chance

would have it, you have a new film out. I do! I ask you and then...

Here I am. I'm here to sell it on your show. Now, it's What To Expect

When You're Expecting. It opens tonight. I have seen it. It has all

sort of strands in it. It's very funny. It's a little bit sad.

has moments of poignantness. It's a human experience. It's very real.

Not too upsetting. It's funny and uplifting. It's not only about

pregnant women. It's about the experience of creating a child or

bringing a child into your life. Five different stories that cover

it, five different ways, obviously, from the man's point of view. It's

like... In our society we believe that our sole purpose, as

naturalist, we know that procreation is what we are here for,

of course. Not here. It's what we're for. It doesn't mean that

it's right for everyone or that, you know, you jump into it. Because

we think we're supposed to have babies, people get married have

babies they don't realise it changes your life. Funny that!

play a fitness guru. I do. A lot of the fitness part of your body is

your own? It is mine, yes. In the movie, some of the bigger bumps in

this picture that isn't all you? The belly isn't mine and the

breasts aren't mine. They're enhanced. Really? They got bigger

and bigger. The chicken cutlets you put in, those creepy things you

stuff. There is 15 in there. There was one point where I had, it

didn't make it into the movie, I do a flash - I flash my breasts saying,

"can you believe this is what happens when you get pregnant, why

didn't I get pregnant sooner" they were prosthetic breasts that were,

amazing! I was like wow! These are awesome. I went to show everybody.

I was like, "where's the director. I have to show it to them. The park,

let's go". I was like, "look at these". They looked very really.

Did you keep them? I did. When I wore them in the movie. We were

shooting in Atlanta, which we call Hotlanta. If you are have been

there, you know, it gets hot and swampy. You don't know what they

are like here. No, they don't. all moss and alligators live in it.

It got swampy up in this business here. Because of the heat. It was

caused by heat, it wasn't me. By the end of the scene, my breasts

that were so beautiful and up here were literally hanging down it my

legs within half an hour. It was so upsetting. I was like, "it's

nature". We have a clip of you and your prosthetics in action. This is

you and the father of your child having a fit. You are doing a

fitness class at the same time. Front page. I was going to tell you.

I didn't think it's right. I'm his mother. I'm his father. Parenthood

is about compromise. Then compromise. I have. Every

relationship there is an Alf fa and a beta. I'm an alpha. Jinx. What

are you guys doing, come on, pick it up! Right. There is always an

alpha and a beta. Are you the alpha? I like to have an alpha

around. I like someone to over alpha me. I'll see your alpha. Oh,

yeah. You know what I'm saying. yeah. It's a very alphacouch I

would say. Are you alpha? No, I am alpha. Clearly you are alpha.

It is a given. When actresses have to pretend to give birth, how hard

is that? I heard some actresses have had accidents doing that?

facing acting. You are straining, something has to give. You are face

acting. You are not pushing down here. Don't! That's not OK. It can

be really dangerous. Have you ever given birth? I didn't think so. I

can't remember, you mean acting wise? Yes. Certainly not in real-

life. You would remember that? would remember that, David, yes. I

don't think so. Somebody said when we did the Slops Waynehe tte had a

baby. She had a brown baby. It was bought for her. You played a baby.

You played little Lulu? Yes. That was really weird! You have attended

quite a lot of births? I have been there, my sister gave birth three

times. The first one was a C section. I was 24/25. I had no idea

what I was getting into it. My sister said, "you have to be in

here if I'm going to do this". I went to the room after they cut her

open. I walked in there was blood every where. It was full on surgery.

Her intestines were on a plate next to her. Then the vaginal birth. She

had two natural births later was amazing. Nature is an amazing

engineer. It's unbelievable. I'm watching my sister giving birth. I

have her situation in front of me. I'm, like,... The doctor shows, ",

this is the skull" it's like a hanker chef. She's pulling on it

and making shapes. I'm like, "where's the skull?" She said, "the

pieces have collapsed in to go through the vaginal canal". It

collapsed in. It's like that. As soon as the baby comes out it goes

like this. The pieces all go like this. It creates this dome, like a

skull. Like a head? Nature is unbelievable. So clever that guy.

So clever. Sir David, watching the film where lots of things happen,

are human beings poorly designed? You know, animals give birth in a

field? It was one of the problems, the size of the pelvis to get a

skull through. That is what restricted the size of the head in

evolutionary terms. There was a remarblg markable thing, which

Cameron described, it wasn't that it collapsed in. It starts folded.

The plates are actually collapsed on one another like. That it is a

comes out, so it opens like that. There is a little hole in the

middle, between the plates, where in fact you can see the arteries,

you can see the... Women used to squat, didn't they? Yeah. Some lazy

old bitch like marry ant know wet decided I have to lay-down. Women

always used to squat? They do have in tribal societies. You can also

do it in a swimming pool. Yes, nice. PLOOP! So, now, Kathy Burke? Hello.

You're back! Well... APPLAUSE

Because usually people when they say they will stop acting they go

away for a month then they are like, "oh, I'm back" you really meant it

stp 10 years. Nearly 11. You came back last year for Tinker Taylor.

Yes. What a posh thing to come back for. A nice posh part. It has been

11 years. Do people remember you? Do you get recognised in the

street? Yes. If I have my North Face jacket on, then it's Perry.

Yeah. Wasn't there a person who came up to you, do you know the

story I'm talking? Yeah, I know the story. Thats with a cab driver. He

uttered those beautiful words, "don't take this the wrong way, but

you really look like Kathy Burke". A hard one to respond to. Yeah.

Well, you're back on our screens. A new series for Sky Atlantic Walking

and Talking, it starts on 25th June. You came up with the idea, you have

written it is. It is you. It is your childhood? Yes. Them two

lovely girls. Which one is you? can't guess? That is Amy Metcalf

and Aimee-Ffion Edwards. Where that has come from is about a year ago,

two years ago, Sky did a series called Little Crackers for

Christmas. Which was anecdotes from childhood. I wrote this incident

that happened between me and my friend, who was called Mary, when I

bumped into the Clash and go the their autograph. They signed my new

Musical Express. It was a sweet story. People took to it. Sky asked

me if I would write more with these girls. So, it's, sort of, my life,

but at the age of 14/15 waiting to get into a great drama club in

Islington. It's about that. All of that happened, they walk and talk.

You are in it? Yes it's enter cut with me and actor called Sean gall

ker. I'm Angry Nun and he's Pretty Nun. Are they based on real nuns?

They're based on my dad. Reading about your childhood, hearing you

talk about your childhood, you could of made quite a different

series. You could of made a bleak and serious film. You see it and

remember it as funny? Yeah, of course. I mean, I didn't have a mum.

My mum died when I was a baby. You know, it was quite a, sort of, you

know very, sort of, '60s, '70s upbringing. All very rough in

Islington and stuff. I remember everything with such fondness.

Particularly the freedom we had as kids. It was very different to kids

now. You know, I think they are wrapped up in cotton wool a bit. On

the one hand, they are very over protected, and yet on the other

hand they have access to the internet were they can see a frog

LAUGHTER Life on the internet!

LAUGHTER You know what I mean, it is showing

more innocent time and life happened around a phone box really

and just walking home. Listen, we have got a clip and it

is you and your friend with a phone box having a slightly creepy

encounter. Hey, don't I know yous?

Are you sure? There is a wee bell in my head going ring-a-ding. Do

you think you are funny? Do you think you are Ken Dodd?

You have got the hair and the teeth. You have got terrible teeth, man?

Why have you got such terrible teeth? Don't be so rude.

That's Amy Metcalfe. She has beautiful choppers and a beautiful

red hair. We had to make her look rough. They were both a couple of

darlings. And you are still still friends

with people you knew from back then? Some people. My oldest friend

in the world who I have known since I was four is the audience.

Where is she? Is she the lady with the microphone above her head?

That's Diane. Is Diane, is this the friend who

used to dress you up? Yes. LAUGHTER

Yeah. Diane practised motherhood on LAUGHTER

Yeah. She is used to scrape, I had no eyebrows. I had no eyebrows so

she scraped my hair into a bob... bobble hat. She used to scrape my

hair into a cream bobble hat and put me in a pram and wheel me up

and down the Essex Road telling everyone I was her baby.

LAUGHTER And we weren't little. We were

about 12? LAUGHTER

I would be in a pram with a fag. LAUGHTER

OK. It is time for some music now. I saw these guys performing live

last week and they tore the roof off the place and I'm sure they

will do the same tonight. With an exclusive performance of Baby Come

Home, it is the Sir David Attenborough.

# I don't mind # If your running around

# Giving someone the time # It don't matter

# Just to know that you love me # I'm laying in bed

# With a whole lot of wonder # Going through my head

# This dog with a bone # Gets a little bit lonely

# I'm too cool to lose my control # Your too cool to go

# Later I just don't wanna know # Your out there happening at all

# Baby come home to me # It's half past quarter to three

# Baby come home to me # Said I'm that kind of guy

# When I see a grown man cry # Baby come home to me

# Baby one more pill # Till I close my eyes

# To a pain I feel # I can't sleep

# Lest your laying beside me # I got no doubt

# That would be just fine # If you were living without me

# I just can't let you start to deny

# Now midnight strikes # I don't know where you been

# I still want to make love tonight # When you come stumbling in

# Baby come home to me # It's half past quarter to three

# Baby come home to me # Said I'm that kind of guy

# When I see a grown man cry # Baby come home to me

# Baby, what do we do? # Baby, what could you say?

# To drop my fears go away # Was it that red letter day

# With no more chips to play # Will you come home

# Baby come home # Baby come home to me

# It's half past quarter to three # Baby come home to me

# Said I'm not that kind of guy # Baby come home to me

# Baby come home home # The Scissor Sisters, ladies and

gentlemen. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come and join me. Do you mind if you shove up a little bit? There

you go. Hello, lovely lady. Sit down.

This is David and Cameron. Look at the orange dresses. We are

complimenting. I'm not going to stand for this

pitting women against one another. Fight. Fight. Fight. We don't do

that. That was gorgeous, thank you very much.

That's on the new album Magic Hour which comes out on 28th May.

On a sofa of animal lovers, Jake you have a little dog, Toby.

His name is Toby, Tobias, Toblerone. I have a dog.

LAUGHTER You sent us a picture of Toby. He

looks as if he should be smoking a pipe.

He is a real most of masterpiece theatre.

He is making me cry. I miss him so much. You can't underestimate the

power afBorder Terrier. That's what Shenanigans is, a

Border Terrier. Is it true, you don't really like dogs?

No, it is not that I don't like dogs... She doesn't like dogs.

I have had a preference for cats mostly through my life.

, but I do like dogs. I have had very special dogs in my life. I

like cats, I love their independence. I like the psychology

of a cat. They are not, "Hey, do you like me? Do you like me?" A cat

will be, "I will be right over here.". I agree, I like their style

so much better. David, you love all animals, but

there is one animal, you are not a fan of. I don't care for rats.

Really. Do you like rats? I raised rats for my snake.

How cruel are you? The eyes were gorged out of his head and it is

like, "You poor little sucker.". have been sitting on the lavatory

in India and I have had a rat come up in between my legs.

That's terrible. That's not fun. I had the same thing with the

centipede in Nepal. I was over like, you know, the hole in the ground,

in the middle of nowhere... Yes. Yes.

I looked down and there was a a centipede this long coming out of

the toilet itself. It was terrifying. Thank god you don't sit

on those holes, you squat over them. It is nearly time for the red chair.

Is it a guessing game for Sir David Attenborough. You have an animal

impersonation. Is it a guessing game for Sir David? Is it better to

tell him what you are doing before you do it? I do an impersonation of

one of the various and amazing time of New Guinea birds of paradise and

their mating dance. OK. Do we need music for this?

Where should she do it? On the table for a start!

APPLAUSE It is a rather big display. The

first thing they do is, they clean their area, right. They clean their

area and make sure it is all good, right. This is the male, right?

course! I'm going to take my shoes off for

this. Cleaning. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE There are 42 different species of

birds of paradise and I know which one that is.

APPLAUSE The sixth wired Parotia.

APPLAUSE Before we go, just time for a story

or two in the red chair. Who is up first? You set the bar very high

with your impersonation. Who are you? My name is Freda.

Where are you from? I'm from London. What do you do? I have come here on

business. Do you make something? I sell hair

extensions. Do you really? Let's watch them fly!

APPLAUSE LAUGHTER

Shall we have another one? LAUGHTER

What's your name, sir? Donnelly. Donny. Where are you are you from?

Texas. Do you work here? My wife works

here. He is sorted old Donnelly. Donny. I'm off to a show, I will

see you later. I was a crane operator in Texas and

I was, about 275 feet in the air on the job site, we had several port a

poties that had to be compleand cleaned twice a week and I picked

one up, I was told it was OK to pick up and take it over to the

truck. I picked it over and took it over to the truck and when I set it

down, the door opened and one mad Mexican ran out!

You can go, Donny! Run! Run! Well done everyone in the red chair.

If you want to join us on the show and have a go in that same chair,

you can. Contact us via our website. Ladies and gentlemen, please thank

my guests tonight, the Scissor Sisters.

APPLAUSE Kathy Burke.

APPLAUSE Sir David Attenborough.

APPLAUSE And Cameron Diaz.