Episode 9 The Graham Norton Show

Hello, I'm Graham Norton.

Tonight on the show, we have two of the world's most beautiful pop stars.

That's why I haven't been able to get anywhere near wardrobe or make-up.

I have to get it done now.

That's better! Let's start the show!

This programme contains some strong language

Good evening, all.

Hello! You're very welcome.

Thank you, my glamorous stand-in, Clive.

Brother from a different mother.

Separated at birth - it was a mix-up.

We have a sparkling line-up, tonight.

Chatting and singing, the one and only Cheryl Cole is here.

Chart-topping superstar, Katy Perry is here!

And hilarious Geordie comedian Ross Noble is on the show.

I tell you, so that's two Geordies on the show tonight.

Cheryl is, of course,

the best-looking woman ever to come from Newcastle.

She really is.

Actually, to be honest, Ross is the best-looking man.

Ross is doing very well.

He's even had his own range of Ross Noble dolls.

He has.

I'm delighted to have Cheryl on the show.

She's just appeared at the Queen's Jubilee concert.

Very exciting.

Looking good, Cheryl!

What an outfit!

It certainly got a reaction from the Royal Box. It did.

Talking about amazing outfits,

I can't wait to see what Katy Perry's wearing tonight.

Ooh, such a fashion icon.

All the top names want to dress her.

Versace,

Dior,

Mr Kipling.

Delicious.

Here's Katy on stage during her recent tour.

It's a showbiz classic -

shell opens and out pops a vision of beauty, usually.

All looking forward to the football?

Any football fans in?

There are some, ladies and gentleman.

Yes, the Euros start tonight, I'm told.

England don't play France until Monday,

but Roy Hodgson has a good idea of how the game's going to go.

Wayne Rooney suspended, he spent the last few weeks on holiday.

The big fear is he could be out of condition.

He could.

Exciting time for Wayne.

It's the first international tournament

where he's been able show off his new hair transplant.

Talking of hair, did you see the news this week

that the Olympic torch was carried by Jedward?

I'm not making it up. That's them before the torch was lit.

I wonder what happens when you light a massive flame

next to that much hairspray?

It's Dead-ward! Let's get some guests on.

He's Newcastle's funniest comedian, That's why-aye love him.

It's Ross Noble.

-Hello, sir.

-Hello.

Lovely to see you. Have a seat.

Have a seat.

Hey, everyone, I might kiss a girl, it's Katy Perry!

Hello, lovely lady. Sit yourselves down.

She doesn't have to fight, fight, fight for my love, it's Cheryl Cole.

Hello, lovely lady.

Have a seat.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

They're happy.

WHOOPING

I tell you what, I must be looking nice tonight,

cos they were still screaming when she came on.

She's really pretty.

-It's a lot of pop princess on one sofa. I'll tell you that.

-Thank you.

Before we get to other things, I just want to gossip, really,

because Cheryl did the Jubilee concert for the Queen.

I did.

Tell me the truth, you know at the end,

did you just elbow your way through the crowd, "Let me at her"?

-Do you know what was the strangest thing?

-Right there.

They stood us in line

and they brought the Queen on and she just wanted to stand next to me.

-She was drawn to you.

-That's what it was.

In that photo, there, is will.i.am just tweeting behind the Queen.

He's going, "I'm looking at the Queen's arse."

It's funny you should say that,

because I had to warn him as we walked onto stage,

he had the phone at the ready, I'm not even joking.

-Is that why you're looking like this?

-That is exactly why.

That is the moment of,

"Put that phone away, right now, before I kill you."

At least he didn't do that thing,

he could have gone up to Her Majesty and gone,

"Right, come on! Like that.

-"Get in, love. Get in."

-Really?

-I would have done it.

-You didn't see this.

When did you get here?

-I got here yesterday.

-So, you missed it?

I missed it by a day.

I was on the flight and they were doing a biography on the Queen

and the Jubilee,

so I watched it during dinner,

so I could be here and talk about things like this.

Get on YouTube and watch this highlight.

It was Grace Jones.

I let her borrow my dress.

-She's 64, isn't she?

-Wow!

She hula-hooped for four minutes while singing Slave To The Rhythm.

You know, she wasn't supposed to. She turned up just doing this.

The Queen had a hula-hoop and went,

"I'm going to throw it over her."

She thought she won a prize. She just threw it and Grace

just kept, "Go with it, go with it."

Were you asked to do it?

-No, I wasn't.

-In the papers here, we heard that Prince Harry...

Your papers never lie!

This is a nice thing, that Prince Harry asked for you by name.

-Prince Harry?

-Yeah.

-He's a hot ginger, isn't he?

-Well...

-Are you sure he asked for her to perform, though?

That we don't know. "Bring me Katy Perry."

No, no, it is Harry. He likes the ladies.

I love the monarchy.

-I'd be open to that.

-Well.

-What?

-You were chatting at the party, weren't you?

-You and Prince Harry?

Get off my man.

Princess Cheryl.

That would be the best wedding ever! Do it, go on.

Come on.

-I would consider Prince Harry.

-Do it, oh, do!

It would cheer people up so much.

Call me.

And if you don't like her, call me.

We've got a lot of ladies of song here

and Cheryl, you're performing later, very excited.

Katy Perry, obviously you are a one-woman hit factory.

You've broken records set by the Beatles, Michael Jackson,

it's phenomenal.

But tonight you come to us with a movie,

what you have made.

Yes. I have a movie coming out July 5th.

It's called Part Of Me,

Katy Perry In 3D.

Hold on those bra-size jokes.

It's excellent. It's not what I expected.

I thought it would be concert footage, a good time,

you singing your hits.

Katy's great! Fanfare! Yeah.

Messing around with dancers and make-up artists backstage.

It's not a part of you, it's all of you.

It's a lot. I still have some secrets, but not many.

You've seen the movie?

Yeah, I made the movie.

I had an idea in the winter of 2010,

right before I was about to go on this big world tour,

which I played here at the O2 - it was lovely, thank you -

and I felt like something important was coming in 2011,

so I asked two English boys from East London,

from London Fields, actually,

to come join me on the road,

and they were just like flies on the wall,

capturing everything throughout the whole year.

And I had no idea it was going to turn into this big deal of a movie

in 3D, but it did.

It's so exciting. I'm so excited for everyone to see it.

Might I warn you, you see a little bit of me without make-up

and you may not recognise me.

But, it's...

I look normal!

At end of that film, obviously, you're proud of the movie

and proud of the tour, but, like, some of it,

like the bits in Brazil,

it's like torture, watching some of it.

Poking with a stick to get you on stage.

It was hard to watch.

I love being on stage.

Even though I went through some pretty tough times last year,

I had to separate that because I know that my problems are mine

and they're not the audience's problems.

They're here to see a show and be entertained.

I put myself on that lift

and I smacked a smile on my face and I went up with my tits spinning.

It's really the use of 3D,

you get a true sense of what you experience.

Not everybody could make the show,

so I wanted everybody...

I took the best parts of the two-hour show

that I did last year and put them in the film.

People really feel like they're there. It's a great simulation.

Do the tits spin in 3D?

-They do?

-They do.

I'll put that in for you, Ross.

We have a clip. I should warn you. It is one without...

It's all right. It's time.

OK. Deep breaths, everyone. Here we go.

I think Katy is a dreamer.

Her dream is to get to be herself and inspire other people.

There's an undertone of Katy's life represented.

It's a little Alice In Wonderland, it's Dorothy in Oz.

She wanted the fans to experience that fantastical world

that she dreamed up.

I feel a real connection to fairy tales.

I think in some ways I live in a fairy tale.

Your whole family is in the movie, your mum,

your dad, your granny is in there.

My grandma, I think, steals the show.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wrap up the truth.

-She is the truth.

My sister got married the other day,

and my grandma is 91 and she's all there,

she has all her marbles, plus more,

we were all at my sister's wedding, which was lovely.

My cousin asked my grandma,

"Grandma, what do you think of Katy's new purple hair?"

and she looked me up and down and goes,

"Well, it's not all hers."

I was like, "I bought it. I have the receipt."

She goes, "Where did you get it, the 99 Cent Store?"

-Did you punch her?

-Yeah, basically.

Boof! She's in the film and she's pretty hilarious.

Obviously for you, it's very hard to have a truly private life.

-Ha-ha!

-Well, it is. People are interested and the tabloids.

-Sure.

It's a fine line.

I suppose, in my head, I was watching thinking,

"Oh, my God, she's nuts."

Because you've given us so much. You've given us complete access.

Sometimes that's good, though, you know, to give people,

to give them it all,

then they're not looking for the thing that's they think they want.

Yeah, I admire her for that.

She looks so cute without her make-up on.

All right, get over it.

I still am going to come out full beat every time. War paint.

It's a fine line. I'm a kind of honest person mostly.

I like to be as honest as possible, through my music,

and in my life,

and my professional life.

I thought it was important to show everybody things,

so that people can be inspired by it.

The two of you are single, well, actually, I don't know if you are.

Contractually,

I am a chat show host - I am obliged to ask,

are you both single, at the moment?

My dance card is so full, I don't know who I'm dancing with, though.

A lot of people.

Just say, I'm not going to have sex with them.

I'm just putting it out there.

In this month's GQ,

-Cheryl Cole...

-Me?

-..you talk about being a woman

and having the needs of a woman.

-Dum-dum-dum!

-Got to go. See you later.

Do I?

Do you have people who come round in the middle of the night?

-Do I?

-And have a go and then leave?

Wouldn't you love to know.

Help me.

I have people come around in the middle of the night.

You make it sound like Neighbourhood Watch.

"Johnson, 37's down." "Oh, go on, then."

"Prince Harry is not here yet. Go on, John."

"Middle of the night" - like sexual ninjas.

Cheryl, talking of, kind of,

I don't know if a falling out, a rift or whatever,

have you kissed and made up with Simon Cowell?

I wouldn't say kissed.

I tell you one thing he can kiss.

No, we've made up, we're fine.

It's not nice having people you don't talk to.

I'm not that type of person, anyway. It's not in my nature.

If he walked out here now, that wouldn't be awkward?

No, it wouldn't be awkward...

DRUM ROLL

Oh, my God, that was so scary.

That was the greatest joke ever!

There is a pineapple I could lob at his head.

Cos, Katy, you did X Factor here. You were on the panel together.

-We were, yes.

-Yes.

-Were you offered any of the X Factor gigs?

There's not been actual paper contracts.

But people have been interested in me judging other people, yeah.

-Would you do it?

-I would do it...

Cheryl's right there.

-You were amazing at it.

-I'm just not ready for it yet.

Maybe in the future I'd love to.

-She has movies to make and songs to release.

-I'm busy.

No, I'm excited. I'm very flattered.

But there's a lot of those shows.

You have to be careful with the one you associate yourself with.

-By the way, are you not allowed to talk about it?

-What?

-It.

-Simon?

-The whole X Factor debacle?

I'm allowed to talk about anything I want to talk about.

-You got your revenge in Afghanistan.

-Did I just?!

That was actually what broke the ice when I first spoke to him.

I went out to Afghanistan to visit the troops,

and they had this whole section where they had explosive devices.

They were blowing them up to see how they worked.

And when I got there, somebody had dressed one up as Simon.

It was the best thing. I got to press the button -

the detonator and he just went boom.

Then when I came back, cos you weren't allowed to take mobile phones

or anything like that, it's a security risk,

I had messages from Simon saying,

"So, now that you've blown us up in Afghanistan,

"is there any chance we can have this conversation?"

and that's when I spoke to him.

Then I hired a plane to fly over his house for his 52nd birthday.

He's 52, by the way, 53 coming.

He didn't want anybody to know it was his birthday.

Please tell me the plane was a Tornado from the lads in Afghanistan,

just flying, heat-seeking missile.

Did it have a big thing hanging off the back, saying, "Happy Birthday"?

Yes. I heard a rumour from his people,

I won't name names,

but somebody told us he didn't want anybody to know it was his birthday.

Perfect opportunity for me to hire a plane.

-You were just being nice.

-I was just being nice! Happy birthday, Simon.

That's a lovely thing.

So, it had a banner trailing off, saying, "Simon is 52 today".

It flew round his house...

-..52 times.

-I love it.

Looking back to... was it last year that it happened?

-When did it happen, the whole X Factor USA?

-Yes, last year.

It seemed, at the time, it was handled so badly,

like, when you walked away, who were you angriest with,

the Fox TV network, with Simon, or with yourself

for getting sucked into it?

There was no anger, just relief.

Just anger?

Let's make some music.

Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated.

With a new album.

Later on you're performing Call My Name off the album.

The album is A Million Lights.

It is.

It's out on the 18th.

Call My Name is out on Sunday.

Saturday midnight, actually.

If you're still up.

Like early Sunday.

I'm surprised, this is your third solo album.

It's crazy, it's gone so quick.

The last two both went to number one. I'm guessing this will too.

-I never say that.

-It will.

We're confused, Cheryl, because on the artwork,

we've read in the papers that you are Cheryl.

-Yes.

-Have you dropped the Cole?

-No.

So, what happened was...

You don't need that Cole, honey.

What did happen?

I got the new artwork.

The new artwork, yes.

And I couldn't fit the Cole on there any more.

So we just...

I've got the album here.

Oh, it does look better.

Can I just say, taking a CD from there has never got an "Oh, my God!"

from the audience before.

And somebody went,

"Can we have it?"

You can buy a copy.

It's probably a very young person who's never seen a CD before.

"What the hell is that?"

Now, what's interesting is, again,

because there's so much interest in your personal life,

so people will be looking at this thinking, reading stuff...

-Always.

-..into this. There is a track called Screw You.

A couple of names drop into your mind.

It was dedicated to me.

DIY, it's all about DIY.

There you go.

I'm just fixing my kitchen cabinets, Screw You!

Track number two is called Rawl Plugs Ahoy.

I'm still on track. What the hell is Screw You about?

Actually, Screw You came about in a really unprofessional way.

I went into the studio to record a song that had been written for me.

I went to a party the night before...

Cheryl Cole.

And I was a bit tipsy in the studio.

AKA, drunk.

Out of her mind, Katy, that's what I heard.

When we say tipsy, we are peeing in the streets.

You can dress her up.

But you can't take the lady out of Geordie. Newcastle.

I know where this is. I'm good with geography. I can't spell, though.

Peeing In The Streets is the hidden track at the end.

It's like dancing in the streets but more vulgar.

You got slaughtered before that.

Still drunk the next day.

Somebody tweeted a picture of us sticking up the middle finger.

-Of you doing it?

-Yes, me.

-And you're not allowed to do that?

-Am I allowed?

They're your fingers.

It didn't go down too well with the Queen the other night.

-Katy, do you find that as well, your new track, Wide Awake.

-Yes.

-CHEERING

-Thank you.

Again, people are listening to the lyrics, thinking,

"Oh, what does she mean there?"

-Is that annoying?

-No, if it was annoying, I wouldn't do it.

I'm honest with my music and lyrics.

That song's about the realisation of reality and coming down from a high.

-I love that song.

-Thanks.

-OK.

-Because I've had too much sugar last year.

What about your vulnerable song, Ross?

I have a track on one of my DVDs that just says,

"I'm right sensitive, me."

It's just ten minutes of me on stage, doing that.

Legend, proper legend.

That was quite good, was that a Geordie accent?

I don't know where it came from.

What you'll find, when you spend time with people for a while

and they just start going,

"All reet, I'll go and get some crisps," you'll morph into a Geordie.

-That's all right.

-That's what's happening.

-You love the Geordie accent, don't you?

-Of course.

-Tell people how you go to sleep?

-I like listening to Geordie Shore.

Going to sleep?

Yes, not the vulgarity of anything, but the bridges

and the, you know, the familiar sounding noise of a Geordie accent.

-People having fights.

-It's soothing.

The sound of romance as people have sex in bins.

The thing is, I love it.

I love the fact that you do those shampoo adverts, you know.

When it was Jennifer Aniston, I'm American and the rest of it...

Oi!

No, what I'm saying is you expect a shampoo advert

to be an American going, "Oh, shampoo, oh, shampoo..."

Because Cheryl does it, who sounds like the girls I went to school with,

I thought it was going to be, "L'Oreal, how fucking much?!"

-Did you teach will.i.am some Geordie expressions?

-I try. God, he's bad.

I do try.

He likes to... He always says to me, "Where you gonna gone?"

-What?

-Where are you going to go?

-Have you played Newcastle?

-Do you have a Rosetta stone for Geordies?

-There should be, yes.

-Mmm, yeah.

Is there a useful phrase to teach Katy

that she could storm on stage next time and delight them with?

-All right.

-How you goin' toneet, ya all reet?

Ho re do re do ro....

Teenage dream...

That was good.

You grew up in California, you would think it was worlds apart

from where these two grew up in Newcastle.

But in fact, there are more similarities than you'd think.

I mean, California, sun-drenched towns.

Newcastle, they have drenched towns.

California's full of people growing oranges.

Newcastle is full of people going orange.

That's a good look.

-Do you think those lips are real?

-Yeah.

What she's doing there, there's a pane of glass

and she's attached to it.

I'm moving all the way up.

California, they frolic topless.

Sadly in Newcastle, they also frolic topless.

He's actually famous in Newcastle. Proper dedicated fan.

I'm getting that, Cheryl.

Do you like the way the Tyne Bridge perfectly crests his gut?

You really don't want to see the Swing Bridge.

That bridge is lower than the Tyne Bridge.

In Newcastle, they're going, "That's a well constructed joke."

The reels are spinning so hard on that one.

In California, young people love catching crabs.

In Newcastle... well, you can imagine.

That's below the belt.

You guys seem to be from a lovely place.

Ironically, that last picture on there, that make up there,

they're not pixelated.

Just keep putting it on, man.

This is a special place in Newcastle.

Do you recognise this place?

-Yes, of course.

-A very special honour was bestowed on you there.

-Was it?

-Yes.

-She was drunk.

-When you were 15, you were named...

You were made queen of all Geordies.

-Didn't you win most attractive girl?

-Highlight of my career.

-It's true, isn't it?

-Who told you? The Sun?

No, there were a list of things.

You won a bonnie baby competition

and most attractive girl at Gateshead Metro Centre.

I've heard that many times but I don't remember.

-Maybe they did it in retrospect.

-You are really pretty.

-Do you not think you're pretty?

-I wasn't then.

-You must have been.

-No?

-Dog.

You've been in the glittering halls of the Metro Centre.

They've just showed you all of Newcastle,

do you think I was pretty?

You're gorgeous inside and out and you don't need all the make-up,

just like me, kind of.

-You worked in the Metro Centre didn't you?

-I did.

Work is a very loose description.

I used to do all the juggling and unicycling and all that...

-What? A carny?

-I was a carny - that's exactly what I was.

I got a job, because I used to do all that, on stilts,

walking around the Metro Centre,

which you'll know isn't easy, because it's a shiny floor.

-It is.

-It showcased my stilt skills.

There was an American diner, they dressed me as Uncle Sam

and I handed out flyers on the stilts.

The problem was, the outfit belonged to the daughter of the manager

for her dance concert.

Trousers, I've always had large thighs and the trousers

were pornographic in their tightness.

They actually split. I didn't realise the gusset had gone.

Imagine, I'm on stilts, handing out flyers,

and I couldn't work out why people didn't want to take a flyer,

but were moving their children away from me.

"Would you like to dine at the American diner?"

"No, and we can see your bollocks."

Ironically, I came second in the most beautiful girl in the Metro Centre.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The one-two punch.

Ross Noble, you're on tour in the Autumn, Mind Blender...

-Yes.

-..is the tour.

-Yes.

-Presumably this will be as interactive as always.

Yes, I'm talking to the audience,

interactive make it's sound like they're wearing helmets

and plugged in.

They don't have to laugh, they can just press a button.

You have done things like...

didn't Twitter tell you where to go on a tour once?

Yeah, I spent a week where I got on my motorbike

and said, "This is where I am, where should I go?"

I spent a week travelling around.

People said, "Come to my work and I'll make you tea."

I just travelled around Britain just meeting people and just doing stuff.

Because Katy Perry, in addition to your chart success,

you're also Queen of Twitter.

You're huge, the third most followed person in the world.

It's really difficult when I spell something wrong.

Everybody goes...

The bar is set quite low on Twitter.

This is how you spell "your" in this correct way.

-They go mad for it.

-There's three ways to spell "your"

and it's horrible.

-How many followers do you have?

-20 million something.

-You have 20 million?

-It's all around the world as well.

-There'll be like Chinese kids.

-Mildly racist.

How is saying "Chinese kids" racist?

If I said, "I hate Chinese kids," that's racist.

You're allowed to say a place where kids are from.

I think that's not even vaguely racist.

"Oh, you know what I fancy for tea tonight? Chinese." "Racist!

"Dirty racist."

You're meant to say...

CHEERING

-All right, a little tweet...

-I think I'll have a takeaway of an ethnic origin.

LAUGHTER

Not racist. Cheryl, you're pretty new to Twitter, aren't you?

-Yeah, nearly a year.

-OK. You're Twitter cr... You love it.

-I do.

I love just being able to talk to people direct.

-So much fun, right?

-I don't know what I was doing before.

-Facebooking, MySpace, networking?

-I didn't do any of that.

I went directly to Twitter.

The other day you did 100 tweets in one day.

-Yeah.

-That was the day I followed her.

She's slowly writing a novel.

I got shit to do!

I wasn't saying, "I have just had a coffee, I'm about to do this."

I was talking to people direct.

-Replying to people.

-She's a nice pop star.

-I dedicate time.

-Ross, you've developed a Twitter bomb.

-Yeah.

-Explain that.

I did this thing where it was Twitter Bombard Tuesday.

I would get my followers to not mention me in the tweet at all,

so people didn't know where it was coming from

and bombard one person with thousands of stupid questions at the same time.

We started with Doritos.

Why have they got their own Twitter feed? You know, still cheesy.

Still cheesy again.

We just bombarded them with thousands of questions.

People were saying things like, "I have a much loved family moth,

"that's injured its wing,

"could you use a Dorito as a prosthetic replacement?"

They're just like, "What? OK."

"Could you use a Dorito as a plectrum for a spaghetti guitar?"

But they'd get thousands all at the same time.

-As a hang-glider.

-See, tiny little hang-glider.

You could have joined in.

-If you were an insect.

-Yeah, tweet that.

People will be doing it now, Doritos will be,

-"Oh, God, it's happening again!"

-"Oh, God, here we go again!"

People are just wasting their time, basically.

LAUGHTER

Did you get that idea from the time you got everyone to phone

a radio station in Newcastle.

Yes, I bet you know who this is.

-Do you know the flashing blade?

-Yes.

He's a real Geordie!

Yeah, there was a phone-in show and I got the audience,

about 500 people all to say

that they'd seen an alligator loose, in Heaton Park, in fact.

It was in Heaton Park.

They all phoned in this radio station, people were going,

"Alan, me dog went into some bushes.

"There was rustling and it come back and there was just the lead,

"just the lead, me dog's gone."

And people were ringing in, going, "Aye, our cat got snapped."

The trouble was it got out of control and it made all the papers.

My mum rang me up and went, "You've gone too far this time."

LAUGHTER

Then it turned into this legend that there was an alligator

loose in the park.

-I really believed that. Is it not true?

-That's me!

-I started that.

-Don't you know that story?

APPLAUSE

It's not true. I started it,

but the worst thing was, about six months later,

I was watching Pet Rescue on Channel 4,

and they went, "Today we have a pet rescue special

"with the Teesside reptile society

"who are spending the weekend looking for an alligator."

There were blokes just in waders on this horrible winter's day,

poking the river.

"Careful in case it snaps at you."

-How old were you?

-It was last week.

-Not that long ago.

It's music time, Cheryl, dancers await.

-If you want to go and get ready.

-Thank you.

There she goes!

SCREAMING

In a moment, we'll meet this week's visitors to the famous red chair.

First performing her new single, Call My Name, it is Cheryl Cole!

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# You got me confused by the way I change

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# My name, say my name, baby

# Yes, I love you, say it, for the way I know we've been apart

# It's an endless circle a poison arrow to my heart

# Saying I-I-I

# I love what you do to me

# Need you to stay with me

# I-I-I

# Love you too much to let go

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# You got me confused by the way I change

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# My name, say my name, baby

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# You got me confused by the way I change

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# My name, say my name, baby

# It's the constant thought of my baby taking up my time

# It's an utter vision of you that's playing on my mind

# Saying I-I-I

# I love what you do to me

# Need you to stay with me

# I-I-I love you too much to let go

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# You got me confused by the way I change

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# My name, say my name, baby

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# You got me confused by the way I change

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name?

# My name, say my name, baby

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Say my name, baby

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Say my name, baby. #

CHEERING

Thank you.

Cheryl Cole, everybody!

Come back and join us. Beautiful job. Cheryl!

Mwah! Thank you very much.

I'll guide you round here. I will sit you there.

Now, that was genius, thank you very much.

Dance moves, I loved all that -

-the crotch.

-All the acrobatics.

Landing in the splits, really?

Now, it is time for the visit to the red chair.

Tonight, in honour of our two beautiful ladies...and Ross...

-Thanks.

-It's men only. It's a men-only red chair.

-Good.

-You're in charge of the lever, ladies.

-I'm in charge? Oh, you too.

You're in charge

-and the men are telling you a story to impress you.

-Right.

It's as if they're meeting you, say in a bar,

telling you a story to impress you.

It'll be their favourite, the one to make you think,

"Wow, he's the one." OK?

You may not want to hear the story, in which case, you know what to do.

-Good luck, boys. Here we go. Hello.

-Hi there, you all right?

Not impressed, not impressed.

That was going to have to be an amazing story.

That was very harsh, very harsh.

He had sexual ninja written all over him, that fella.

Maybe we're saving the fine wine till last. Who's next?

-Now, what's your name?

-Andy.

-Andy? Where are you from?

-Australia.

-From Australia, OK? Yeah.

-Good.

-Off you go.

Don't lick your lips like that, it looks weird.

It's going to happen.

-The first one didn't get to speak.

-Most of them don't.

This gives us insight, if this was a bar, the way these two would behave.

I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Oh! CHEERING

Get a room.

-Oh, hello. Is it hot in here?

-One more, here we go.

-He's made an effort.

-What time are you from, sir?

-What's your name?

-Connor.

-And where are you from?

-Hull.

-That's nice.

You know...

That's nice, that's the first time anyone's ever said that.

Oh, that's nice.

I thought it's up north, you could share you know, travel things.

We'll have to be careful,

when you pull that lever, his cello will go with him.

-Connor, you look lovely, don't listen to them.

-Thank you.

What do you do in Hull?

-I'm a student at the moment.

-Of?

-Chemistry.

-That's smart.

He's from Hull.

And it's a play on words, he's a student of chemistry,

at the bar, picking us up.

-Where do you study?

-Oxford.

-From Hull to Oxford.

The graph is like that.

That's quite a life trajectory, ladies and gentleman.

Now, he's dating a pop princess! Oh, my God!

-If you're a real prince, I'll marry you?

-Are you a prince?

-Sadly not, no.

-You idiot, say yes.

-Yes, I am.

She's American, she'd never know.

I am the Prince of Hull.

Off you go with your story.

I have an unfortunate habit of sleepwalking.

It has got me into awkward situations,

the first of which was locking myself out of my house at 3am.

I was wearing just my underwear.

I had been dreaming that I was at a party

and I needed to leave to go home.

When leaving, I thought I know I've just gone out of the house

and left this person's...

Love of God!

But he was a prince!

I think some fumes from an experiment got to him.

What part of Hull was he from? I very much like the Humber Bridge.

Maybe he's actually from hell?

-One more. Hello?

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-OK.

-What's your name?

-Michael. He has a nice smile.

Oh, Cheryl don't look like that. He's lovely. He's wearing two tops.

-He could be the man of your dreams.

-They're attached.

-They're attached.

Don't say that.

Is the hair... What's happening there, then?

-It's a beardy thing.

-No the hair, the actual...

On top of his head? Should that have cheese and pineapple stuck...?

Too cruel. Michael, I'm on your side. Where are you from?

-London.

-And what do you do?

-I run a B&B hotel.

He runs a B&B hotel.

You either run a hotel or a bed and breakfast.

LONDON ACCENT: "I'll tell you what, right? I'll tell you what, lovely!

"I've sorted it. Down in London, we do a B&B hotel, mate.

"You get in bed, you get your breakfast,

"get in there, bish, bosh, and it's got a mini bar, trouser press

"sorted, charge you double, lovely. Want a bit of cheese and pineapple, mate?

"Cheese and pineapple, mate, some of that.

"B&B hotel, innit?"

Come on, Michael, tell your story.

I was in Central London with my wife, shopping...

Wait a minute!

Very good.

CHEERING

If you'd like to join us and have a go in the red chair,

contact us via the website.

Thank you to my lovely guests tonight,

Mr Ross Noble!

Katy Perry!

Cheryl Cole!

Join me, same time next week. I'll see you then, good night. Bye-bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd