Episode 10 The Graham Norton Show

I'm just doing my New Year's resolutions, how am I getting on?

Get my favourite international singing star... Check.

Get a beautiful British actress... Check.

Get the finest comedian in the land... Check.

Get a really attractive and sexy audience to watch them...

LAUGHTER

Well, you can't win them all. Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh!

Hello, everybody!

Oh!

Oh!

Welcome to the show, everybody.

Here we are, 2013!

Did you all have a good New Year's? Did ya, did ya?

ALL: Yes!

Great, great.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I did as well, thanks for asking.

Actually, I spent the holidays at home, with my long-term partner.

LAUGHTER

A few close friends also happened to drop by. It was nice.

-Hey, did you all watch the Queen's speech? Did you?

-ALL: Yes.

In 3-D, ladies and gentlemen!

It was incredible.

It was like having an old woman in the front room with you, wasn't it?

Incredible.

To appreciate the Queen's speech in 3-D,

you had to wear special technical equipment.

Yeah.

Wake me when it's over!

Who've we got on the show tonight?

Well, we've only got international singing star Josh Groban, ladies and gentlemen!

The gorgeous and talented Billie Piper is on the show!

CHEERING

My favourite stand-up comedian Frank Skinner is here.

And we've got some great music from the fantastic Example, ladies and gentlemen.

I know. So cool.

So cool.

Yeah. Yeah, Example.

Yeah, I'm down with it.

Now, really excited to have Josh Groban on the show tonight.

He first came to prominence

when his songs appeared in the TV show Ally McBeal.

It was a comedy drama about a law firm, which is ironic,

because Josh himself is a fully qualified barrister.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, that should be barista.

Barrister, barista...

LAUGHTER

Josh is so well respected in the music industry,

even the legends flock to see him when he's in town. They do. Oh!

Isn't Bono looking old?

LAUGHTER

Josh is a fantastic singer - you have to see him live.

Truly an incredible experience.

And you do wonder just how he reaches those high notes.

Whoah!

Let's get some guests on! Later, we'll be having music from Example.

But first, he's my favourite comedian - it's Frank Skinner!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Hello, sir. Happy new year.

-Thank you.

Sit yourself down.

Stand by, it's Billie Piper!

CHEERING

Wowzer!

Beautiful! Hello, darling. Happy new year.

Sit yourself down.

And I'm not joshing,

he's my favourite singer - it's Josh Groban! Oh!

-Hello, sir.

-Good to see you.

-Hi! Sit yourself down.

CHEERING

-You're all very welcome. You all had nice holidays, I'm sure.

-Fabulous.

-Lovely!

-Magical.

-Yes!

-The best Christmas ever!

-Ever!

-Ever.

-We had turkey again.

-Did you?

Cos Billie Piper, your life sounds idyllic.

You live in a little village, don't you?

-Yes, we live in the countryside.

-Was at all nice and Christmassy?

-Lovely.

-Really perfect.

-Have they forgiven you?

Because when you moved there, didn't they think you were a prostitute?

A genuine prostitute.

-Happy new year!

-No, I'm... Yes.

I think they, um... It happens quite often.

-It happened recently, I was in America and in America...

-Careful!

I don't know if this is true of you, but they tend to introduce...

Well, you tend to introduce people with a little bio,

have you ever noticed that? "She does this, she does this..."

He just said I put electrodes on my nipples!

-I actually meant your testicles, but...

-LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-You've got a lot of light into your life right there!

-He's projecting!

-And I'm introduced as the prostitute.

-Why would we have said that about you?

-I don't know.

The girl from the show, the prostitute from that show.

That's how it is in the countryside.

-Billie did play the part of a prostitute.

-Well, that makes sense!

-"The prostitute!"

-Billie used to be a prostitute.

-That's why I'm here tonight.

-She played the role.

So Billie is mistaken for a prostitute,

but something even more humiliating has happened to you,

Frank, in terms of being mistaken for people.

Yes, people often think that I'm you.

LAUGHTER

-I really don't... I don't see it.

-I don't see it.

I mean, you've got grey hair and stuff.

Yes, your hair is receding a bit, so I don't see it...

-Why would they think...?

-I get it a lot.

-Let's put us together.

Oh, I can see it.

I'm trying to look as much like you as I can...

That's good!

APPLAUSE

It's true, I had two women approach me at this gig and one of them said,

"You're Graham Norton, aren't you?" And I said, "No, I'm not".

And she said, "Come on, you are!"

The other one's saying, "Yes, come on, you are!"

in a very forceful way and I thought... I'm not, am I?

Could I be him and I've had a breakdown?

I'm just wandering around thinking I'm...

-It must have happened to me six or seven times.

-Really?

And when my baby was born, my mother-in-law said,

"You know who he looks like? Graham Norton."

LAUGHTER

-And I thought, that couldn't happen, could it?

-That's very unlikely.

Your one foray into heterosexuality and you chose my girlfriend...

-And bingo! A baby.

-It was meant.

-Hole in one!

-No!

-Something...

Goal! I don't know what you say.

Now, about being mistaken for people... Josh Groban, famous all over the world,

-but it happens to you, you get mistaken for someone.

-I do.

Honestly, depending on my angle, I can look like someone famous

or I can look like a hobbit, depending on how they light me.

They don't exist, so they wouldn't recognise...

I was at a concert once in a music festival called Coachella

and I was backstage and these two big Rastafarian Jamaican dudes

came up to me, like, "Hey, man, can we get a picture wit' you, man?"

I'm like, "Yeah, cool." I'm expanding my audience, this is fantastic".

So I took the picture and I'm like, "Did we get it OK? Did we blink?"

I was really excited about this photograph.

And they walk away and they're like, "Oh, James Blunt, man. It's James Blunt."

LAUGHTER

I'm thinking, oh... So close.

-But actually, you do look a bit like him. You can see it.

-It's the hair.

-You have a stronger brow.

-Stronger...?

I love that woman in the audience going, "No!"

You're beautiful.

-Um, yeah.

-Now, Billie Piper, you're a mommy.

-I am.

Two boys. One of four and one of seven months.

You love being a mom,

-but pregnancy I think you found quite stressful?

-Yeah.

-Maybe everyone does.

-Well, it's...

It is stressful, it's quite wearing and I think you either love

it and embrace it or you find it quite frustrating

and uncomfortable.

And I was THAT girl.

LAUGHTER

-It's such a LONG time...

-It's a REALLY long time!

Everyone's like, "It's gone so fast!" And it's like, no.

It's really, really pushing me to the edge.

So yeah, I found it quite stressful, but not as stressful

-as Laurence, who was on the receiving end of all of that.

-Oh.

-Because baby daddy on the couch.

-Yes.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

-How old is your son now?

-He is...

Um, just doing the maths!

-What's the date again?

-It's the, er... It's the 5th of January!

APPLAUSE

-Oh, he's just coming up to eight months.

-OK!

But you had that classic "your girlfriend going into labour" drama.

Yes, 3.30 in the morning she woke me up and said, "This could be wind...

"..or it could be labour."

And I said, "Well, what do you want me to do?

"In either case?"

Because the responses are quite different.

And she said, "Well, let's just see what happens".

I won't go into too much detail,

but it became apparent that it was labour and by then, it was 4am,

so I had that drive-across-town thing that happens in all the films.

-Exciting.

-Yeah, it was like I had an extremely menacing sat-nav

in the car, because she was going, "GO LEFT! GO LEFT!"

and I was driving like that...

And I got to the hospital,

I did something I've never done before in my entire life -

I threw my car keys to someone and said, "Can you park my car?"

LAUGHTER

-I've never done that. We got in the lift...

-Brilliant!

So I'm in the lift with the hospital porter

and my girlfriend is on the floor like this going, "Aaah!

"Aaah!" And the porter says to me,

"So what do you think about the new England manager?"

LAUGHTER

To be fair, I suppose he sees that sort of thing a lot,

but I was in a state of some distress.

When she said, "it's either wind or I'm going through labour,"

that'd be the only time when you'd be lying there

and she goes (BLOWS RASPBERRY) and you'd go, "Oh, thank God!"

Dodged a bullet there!

I suppose you are a bit older than most new dads...

-Oh God, yes.

-So is that difficult in any way? I suppose it isn't yet.

No, I was getting up three or four times in the night anyway.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-And Josh, you're not a dad...

-Not a baby daddy, no.

But when your mother went into labour with your brother,

you found that quite traumatic, didn't you?

-Well, he was born on my birthday, so...

-How annoying is that?

So annoying! It was the worst.

I woke up expecting a cowboy clown party or something

and my dad said, "We're going to the hospital."

We've had a grudge ever since.

-How old were you?

-I was four years old.

It's an awful age to not be the centre of attention

on your birthday.

Your parents obviously... have a routine.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I prefer not to think about it.

You can put your watch right by his parents!

I was at a bar with my brother

and we were chatting up a couple of ladies and actually, now that

we're older, it's kind of a cool icebreaker.

"We have the same birthday. But we're not twins or anything."

And they said, "Oh, you ever count back nine months to figure out when they would have to do it?"

I said, "That's disgusting", my brother said, "That's our mom's birthday".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant. What a cheap gift!

"Unwrap this!"

-Better than a card.

-Yeah!

-It's personal.

They've been together 47 years, so I guess something's working.

Oh, a little creepy. Um...

If you're just tuning in...

Now, 2013. Big year for you, Josh.

A new album coming out, All That Echoes. I believe I have a...

-Do you?

-I do. Yes, there you are.

-Looking rather "Blunty".

-WHOOPING

Look at you.

-Will you be touring this?

-I will, yes.

My favourite part is the tour part.

When you're touring around the world, you sing in lots of different languages.

Do you just learn it, or...? Do you know what I mean?

I'm like The Matrix, I just plug in...

-And it will come through.

-But do you understand what you're singing?

-Oh, sure. I took Japanese, though, when I was younger.

-Wow.

I did record a song in Japanese once,

but I really only remember a very small amount of phrases

in Japanese from that early time in my life, but they're funny.

HE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

I just said, "Nice to meet you, please be kind to me. Was it delicious?"

LAUGHTER

Well...

That would get me through a holiday.

-Out in the country, that might be quite useful.

-Perfect for that!

-You sing in Japanese, don't you?

-Yes, sometimes. If I'm in Japan...

Yes, obviously, not in Japan, goes down like cold sick, but...

The other weird thing I was reading was that when you're singing

big Italian arias, you don't have as much control

over what comes out as I thought you would.

Your diaphragm's doing all sorts of crazy things to get to the note.

It really is very strange when you're out on stage

and you feel indigestion or like,

"I shouldn't have eaten that Subway sandwich before I went on stage,

"that 38 ounce Mountain Dew..."

I've burped on stage before, like in the middle of a note. Yeah...

It's always the big Italian numbers, it really is.

I do songs in English, too, but it's always the really romantic,

grand songs that you just feel it coming, it's going up, and you're

thinking, "God, if you get me through it, I promise you I'll never..."

BURP! There it is. Thank you. Thanks for that.

And can you disguise it in any way, or do you just go... BURP!

If I could disguise it, they probably wouldn't be paying me very much to sing.

If they couldn't tell the difference between my burp and one of my notes...

Then I probably wouldn't have been there to begin with.

So this is out on 25 February and there's a new single,

Brave, on 25 February.

Two days before my birthday.

-Oh! Happy birthday for then.

-Thank you!

-I'll remember to text you.

We associate you with covers, but this album is all new stuff.

A lot of it is original material, yes.

-And you've written a lot of the stuff.

-Yes.

Did a lot of writing, unexpectedly. But I did.

-What do you mean, unexpectedly?

-Because, it's...

One of those things where first and foremost I like to sing songs,

interpret songs and I think to myself, if I write songs,

great, but really, I just want the best songs possible on the record.

But at two in the morning, I always kind of go to the piano

and the piano is kind of like a journal for me.

I sit down and come up with melodies and sing gibberish

and eventually, they turn into songs.

You're not the only musician on the couch this evening.

-Because BOTH your fellow guests have topped the charts.

-Chart toppers!

Two of them!

And you know, if they topped the charts, those songs were good. So...

That makes two of us in this country.

So, if you were going to cover one of their tracks,

which one would you choose?

Would you choose a bit of Frank - here's Frank, with Three Lions.

-# Three lions on a shirt... #

-I love this!

# Jules Rimet still gleaming

# Thirty years of hurt

# Never stopped me dreaming... #

Or would you choose a bit of Billie?

# I've been missing you

# I should be kissing you

# Honey to the bee That's you for me... #

LAUGHTER

That is beautiful!

# It's you for me Honey to a bee

# That's you for me... #

That's enough.

I don't mean, "That's enough!"

Can I say, I've had sex to both of those tracks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Would you Groban up a bit of one?

I think out of the two,

the most baby-making potential is Honey To The Bee.

I've got some lyrics, do you want some?

That's how you know a hit, you've got the hook immediately

-when you hear it.

-Close your eyes, Billie.

This is Josh Groban interpreting Honey To The Bee.

# Honey to the bee, that's... #

LAUGHTER

# Honey to the bee That's you for me... #

Josh Groban, ladies and gentlemen! Very good.

APPLAUSE

And actually, do you know, there's more of a musical connection. Do you know about it?

-I've heard about this today.

-No.

-Do you not know?

-We have beef. Bad blood.

-Do we?

-You shouldn't like Billie.

Oh, did you knock us off number one?

-Yes.

-You did.

-I did.

I'd forgotten that. Have you forgotten that?

It was Because We Want To, your first single.

-Yeah.

-And you just went... "Get out of here!"

But it helped that England got kicked out!

-Yes, that was probably...

-It might have been a different story.

-We knocked Gina G off the first time.

-Ooh, Aah, Just A Little Bit?

It was a great year(!)

LAUGHTER

And the Fugees, we knocked off - that's a pretty good...

-That IS good!

-So how many weeks were you there? Four, was it?

We brought the same song out twice, basically.

And we went number one again. At that time...

Well, the first single went to number one and then it dropped

and then it went back to number one, and apparently,

we were only the third act that have ever done that -

the others were the Beatles and Mr Blobby!

LAUGHTER

-Billie, is it true...

-Those were our golden days!

-I KNOW!

-Marvellous.

Is it true you're not proud of your musical legacy?

No, I'm not NOT proud, I just, um...

don't like to think about it!

LAUGHTER

-Have your kids heard your records?

-Not yet.

-I imagine kids would love Because I Want To...

-I'm sure they will.

There will be plenty of time for that.

-You can sing it at all their birthday parties.

-And I will!

"It's mummy time!" Not again!

Lonely days in the country...

Sing your heart out!

Me and David Baddiel were at a party once

and they played Three Lions so loudly that the neighbours came round

to complain and me and Dave went to the door...

They were REALLY confused!

-Oh, it's LIVE!

-Sweet!

Billie Piper, established, respected actor now...

But oddly, it was acting that got you into pop music,

because you used to do ads.

-Yes, I did loads of commercials as a kid.

-Then what happened?

A producer saw you in an ad?

Um, we were relaunching the Smash Hits magazine

and I became the poster girl for that and

we did a few commercials and I was on the front of Music Week magazine.

And this guy - not any guy, Hugh Goldsmith, who is still a friend of mine -

came to find me at school, which sounds dodgy...!

And...

It was a different time!

Um... And asked me if I'd consider doing a demo tape...

LAUGHTER

Let it all out, Billie, let it all out.

You're in a safe place.

And that was that.

-Weren't you 15...?

-I was 14 then.

-Wow.

This was the ad he saw and he thought,

"I can make that girl a star!"

MAN PLAYS TUBA

MUSIC: "Firestarter" by Prodigy

Smash hits, 100% pure pop!

TOOT!

Aw!

And it's like time has stood still -

-here you are and the Spice Girls are still going. It's amazing.

-I know.

Was basketball tuba a thing, then? Like, what's...?

In England, that was massive.

It is an incredible journey.

That's the beginning, and now, at the National Theatre, getting...

-Not just at the National, getting reviews that are like you wrote them yourself!

-I did!

The play is called The Effect - tell us something about it.

Well, there's obviously loads going on, as there always is in plays, but the shape

of it is two people, a guy and a girl, sign up to this drug trial.

They're trialling the latest anti-depressant drug,

and throughout the course of the trial,

they kind of fall desperately in love with each other, but

they can't define whether it's the effects of the drug or genuine love.

That's it, in its shape. It's quite heavy.

You're at the National, and you're on a break at the moment...

Yes, cos it's in Rep, so we share the stage with maybe two other

productions, which means you get these enormous periods of time off...

-Is it going to be weird going back?

-Yeah.

It's one of those things, you wake up in the middle of the night

desperately scrabble around for your script,

feeling like it's lost itself somewhere,

in all the heady Christmas festivities, you know?

-Everything shuts down.

-Now that's an actress, did you see that?

LAUGHTER

That was beautifully done.

"Oh, the festivities..."

-But it's on at the Cottesloe at the National until 23 February.

-Mm-hm.

Later this year, I hear a rumour that Rose might be making a return?

Because it's Doctor Who's 50th anniversary.

Yeah. No.

I'd heard that rumour, it is not true.

-Did you hear that rumour?

-I did.

-Were you asked?

-Um... No.

No, I wasn't asked, no.

I think Matt Smith may have said in passing, or in jest, you know,

it would be nice. I think maybe he said that

and then that kind of became something quite different. But no.

If there's a sour look at the end of the couch, it's because Frank

-will not be taking part in the Doctor Who 50th celebrations.

-Why?

-Because, slightly pathetically... I love Doctor Who...

-You do!

In fact, when I met Billie backstage,

we hugged and I felt myself just saying...

"Rose!"

-So I can only apologise!

-I heard that!

-Really?! Did I really say it?

-It was very loud!

-I'm sorry.

-That's excitement.

-It was more like this... "Rose!"

Oh, it was brilliant.

So I said to my manager,

"Do you think you could get me a part in Doctor Who?"

I don't mean like, a big part, I'll be a monster, I'll be a lunar rock...

But I really would love to be able to say to my grandchildren

I was in Doctor Who and he said, "I'm sure it won't be a problem."

So he got in touch and he got an e-mail back that said...

From one of the senior people, saying, "I'm really happy to hear

"that that's a thing that Frank would like to do."

LAUGHTER

Somehow, the end of the e-mail seems to have been cut off.

-So... No, they don't.

-That's sad.

-I would have done ANYTHING.

-Well...

Maybe a producer will come to your school and say, "Hey..."

LAUGHTER

That COULD happen...

-Talking of stage, you met your lovely husband on stage.

-I did.

-Laurence.

-Laurence.

-Were you playing lovers?

Yes, I dumped him every night on the show, which was really quite sad.

Yes. But we made it through.

Aw, and I think we've got a lovely picture of you and your husband...

-Aahhhh.

-Where's the nice picture? There we go.

LAUGHTER

That was a good night!

That's how it started!

That's the poster for his play...

It's a perfect stance - look how smug he looks.

-He does look like, yeah...

-Yes! It made such sense.

Let's stop looking at it, it's... We should stop!

If you ever dumped him, will you start by saying,

"Do you remember that time in that play...?

-"When I dumped you?"

-Guess what?!

-You could use the same lines.

-I know. I'd dig it out.

Just pass me the script.

I dumped someone once by text

-and I did it as if it was the end of a game show.

-Oh, my God!

I won't say the name, but I sort of said, "So,

"what about a big hand for our contestant, and she goes away with..."

And I listed all the gifts I'd bought her during our...

GROANS

Applause?!

-That's an awful confession!

-It's sort of impressive!

That sounded like very male applause.

Women going... Men going... "Excellent!"

Well done, Frank.

Now, Room 101 is back on our televisions.

-This is your second series as host.

-Yes.

-It started earlier tonight...

-Yes.

-Recently, I heard you talking about something... Is it box sets?

Would you put them into Room 101?

Well, I have a problem with people...

What happened, I was having a conversation with

a couple of friends and they were saying, "Have you seen Homeland?"

"Oh, this week's episode of Homeland is absolutely knockout."

"And I said, I've really got into Merlin just lately..."

LAUGHTER

And that was the response I got. I thought, "Why is that not cool,

"and Homeland is so super cool?"

No disrespect, but it's because it's American.

So I do get annoyed, you say something and people say,

-"It's like that episode of Seinfeld isn't it, where...?"

-Yeah, that is annoying.

No, it isn't like that.

It's like that episode of Merlin... LAUGHTER

..when Morgana corrupted Guinevere.

LAUGHTER

-You haven't done Room 101, have you?

-I haven't, no.

-What would be top of your list?

-Oh, gosh.

Chat show hosts who bring up your music?

Yes! Or who make me sing my music.

-I didn't do that.

-That is nice.

Gosh, I don't know... All forms of sentimentality.

Wow, whoah!

-That's quite a big one.

-That's deep.

-It's a bit deep?

-You mean schmaltzyness?

-Yes.

-You can be sentimental, can't you?

-Kind of.

-Whoah.

Within reason.

I've noticed that about myself recently. I've just no time for it.

-Really?

-Yes. Or less and less time for it.

But schmaltz, let's go with that.

-Yeah.

-Small talk.

-Is that the same thing as schmaltz?

Just because it sounds a bit like it, don't go...

That isn't German for "small talk".

People put many strange things in.

I mean, Janet Street-Porter put in Extreme Fishing With Robson Green.

Which is a satellite TV show.

Greg Davies put in shops that have escalators going up

but only stairs going down.

That is a cheat, isn't it?

Jack Whitehall had shared tables in restaurants.

I'm so with him.

-I HATE that!

-I love it.

-That's big here now.

Every restaurant I go to, is a giant community table.

All that crap, "Have you eaten here before? It's a sharing experience."

Oh, piss off! I want MY dinner!

MY dinner, that I will eat all myself.

My girlfriend texts me when we're at a shared table,

so I get a text, I think...

And it's from her, it says something like,

"fattest neck in the world?" and I go...

LAUGHTER

Really naughty.

And they think, look at that tragic couple, texting.

Lovely night out, in fact, we are ripping the piss.

-Because you've been on Room 101.

-I've been on Room 101.

-What did you put in?

-I put in people who put their pets in funny clothing, I think.

-I hate that.

-That is awful. There is nothing funny about it.

I mean, for instance, there's nothing funny about that.

LAUGHTER

-I mean, no-one...

-I take it all back.

No-one would laugh at this little creature...

out shopping for shoes.

LAUGHTER

Sarah Jessica Parker, in case you're thinking...

Do we have another one?

Oh, look at that...

-Awww, fabulous.

-He might go fishing later. Bring the car round.

Oh, this next one is extraordinary.

It looks like an aardvark leaving a nightclub in LA.

LAUGHTER

No pictures! She's just a friend!

What kind of animal is that?

-It's an aardvark!

-It IS an aardvark!

What's the dog photo-bombing in the back?

This is mean, but someone on the show said it looks like

James Arthur who won the X Factor.

ALL: Oh!

-But it kind of...

-It does! It really does.

I THINK I might have seen him in that jacket.

That's in Manchester, after the final. You put this in Room 101?

You would have denied us this pleasure!

-Can I say, I didn't allow it in.

-Excellent!

-It didn't go in.

-I defended it.

-Is there another one?

Oh, look at that!

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God - that is...

-That's wrong on so many levels...

That dog just got a part in Doctor Who, actually.

It's the new companion. Well done, all the dressed-up animals.

Very good.

I was wrong, I admit I was wrong. I was wrong.

Room 101 is on Fridays at 8.30 and here is a taste of next week's show.

Has anybody tried to break into a toothbrush lately?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're in the bathroom, you think "Ah!

"I will restore my dentures to their pristine glory...

"I have a new toothbrush here..."

Apparently, Terry, I'm told that the way to get into a toothbrush

is with a tin opener.

That a tin opener runs down the natural groove round the side

and then it comes out quite neatly.

-So, erm...

-You turned out to be a bit of a smart aleck, didn't you?

Yeah, I haven't tried it yet. I've got a tin opener.

A pretty sophisticated tin opener.

If I can get the packaging off!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I have scissors.

Anyway, apparently that works.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Very good.

Before we hear the first stories of the year in the famous red chair,

it is time for music.

Performing Perfect Replacement, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Example!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I've told too many girls that I love 'em

# I've told too many girls they're the one

# So why am I sittin' here all alone?

# How do you measure fun?

# I've called lost property

# Too many times

# And I can't live properly A piece of me died

# I wasn't aware the Mona Lisa cried

# Maybe I'll remember my decent side

# Washed the kisses off my neck

# Locked my past in the basement

# I need to find your perfect replacement

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Everybody, let's go!

Ya, ya, ya!

Let's start, we tore them apart

Had a lot of heart from a heartless ...

So sad, sad it ain't lasted

Scream like you mean if you wanna go faster

Cos I never slow down

Tears of a clown like this are Motown

Find what he needs in his heart So it means that

You'll never take a ride on his merry-go-round...

# Never know what we may find

# Find on the other side

# Never know what we may find

# I've called lost property

# Too many times And I can't live properly

# A piece of me died

# I wasn't aware the Mona Lisa cried

# Maybe I'll remember my decent side

# Wash the kisses of my neck

# Locked my past in a basement

# I found your perfect replacement

# Hope you remember my love

# Remember my name

# The message in the post I hope you get it one day

# Lock my past in a basement

# I found your perfect replace...

# I found something Never need your nothin' again

# I found something Never need your nothin'

# I found something Never need your nothin' again

# I found something Never need your nothin' again

# Who's laughin' now?

# I found your perfect replacement

# Locked my past in a basement

# I found your perfect replacement. #

Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Example!

Come on over here.

What a great job. That was fantastic. Have a seat there.

Frank, Example. Billie, Example.

Josh, Example. Example, Josh.

And have you guys met in the music world?

No, we've haven't. Absolutely not.

-This is where music worlds collide.

-Cross-pollination.

-Yeah!

-Yes.

-But you do, like, Coachella and stuff.

-Yeah.

-You'd play Coachella, wouldn't you?

-I would if they asked me, yeah.

It's a bit like Doctor Who all over again, isn't it?

I'd love to play Coachella!

That is off the album which is out now, The Evolution Of Man.

And that single going to be coming out on the 25th of February.

-Yeah, but you can get it now.

-Oh, can you already get it?

-You can all get it...

-So modern now, it's so modern.

-The kids'll know how to find it.

-Yeah, exactly.

They won't be waiting outside HMV. "I wonder when it'll be delivered!"

I was trying not to enjoy it too much

because the last thing you want is a shot

cut away to an old guy going...

-You're never too old, you're never too old.

-And yet...

I just didn't want to spoil it for you.

-We get people in their 50s or 60s down at the gigs.

-Really?

Not many, but there's a few.

-Very exciting, because you've got engaged since I last saw you.

-Yeah.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There is the beautiful...

I was going to say the lucky lady, but, really, you're the lucky man.

I'm definitely punching well above my weight.

She is g-or-geous. Now, was she a former Miss Australia?

Yeah, she won Miss Australia

and then I was touring Australia last year in October

and she was interviewing me for a TV show

and we just flirted the whole way through the TV show.

Cos I usually, if I meet an attractive girl,

when I was single, I was like, "What's she with me for?"

Because I'm funny-looking.

-You look great!

-Thank you.

But when they're famous as well, you just think,

"she's not with me for money or fame,

"so she must genuinely like my funny face."

So as soon as I started going out with her I was like,

"Right, I'm going to snap this one up and get a ring on this asap."

And what's going to happen, is she going to move here?

She's living here at the moment,

but she's actually in Brisbane planning the wedding.

For next May in Australia.

-Cos my parents live in Australia, so...

-Oh, great.

-Oh, it's perfect.

Ideally, I wanted an Australian wife and Miss Australia was a bonus, so...

-LAUGHTER

-That is mad! "I wanted an Australian wife."

She's Miss Australia, actually.

So when you marry Miss Australia, you don't marry the series,

you just marry one person?

-You just marry a title.

-You just get one who comes every year.

-How marvellous.

-Oh.

-She's the best of the recent winners, actually.

-Oh, I'm sure.

-I've seen 'em all.

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

-Had a test-drive?

-Better be careful now.

-Yeah, stop it now.

But also, how exciting that she was interviewing you

and then it led to marriage.

-Yeah, it's amazing.

-Josh...

LAUGHTER

We both reached for the switch together, awkwardly. Oh, oh!

Did you feel that, did you feel that?

Right, before we go tonight,

just time for our first visit of 2013 to the red chair.

-So who's up first? Hello!

-Hello!

-Hi!

That's a Christmas jumper if ever I saw one. Lovely.

-What's your name, sir?

-I'm Adam.

-Adam. Lovely.

-Where are you from, Adam?

-I'm from London!

CHEERING

-Are you going, "Aah", Billie?

-No, "Yay!"

-Oh, yay! I thought you were just going, "Awww."

-Oh, I did first time.

-He's lovely.

-Aw, sweet Adam from London. What do you do, Adam?

Erm, I'm between things at the moment.

LAUGHTER

So, Adam, I won't keep you, I know you're very busy.

So, off you go with your story.

OK, when I was in my late teens, I decided to take my first...

Can I just... How old are you now?!

LAUGHTER

-I'm 24.

-Oh, he's 24. It was years ago. OK.

When I was in my late teens I decided to take my first love to Paris

and I decided on Valentine's Day, like, three days before it.

So I really had to rush plans,

and I got her sister to hide her passport and get it for me

and she had no clue.

Anyway, I invited her round

and I gave her a little box with a key ring with the Eiffel Tower in it.

She opened it and I said, "You'll be standing on that tomorrow."

I thought, "Yeah!" You know... But what she didn't know...

LAUGHTER

What she didn't know is that we had to go on an overnight coach

straightaway to Paris.

And because I was young

and didn't quite understand the concept of romance,

I didn't book any sort of meal or restaurant or anything like that.

Instead, I rushed her around to all my favourite tourist attractions

and I even made her walk up and down the Eiffel Tower

because I just thought it would be more fun.

And at the end of the night when she was absolutely exhausted

and had ran everywhere and she's expecting to go a hotel,

nah, it was an overnight coach back to London.

LAUGHTER

What an idiot.

OK, don't be treating Miss Australia like that.

-Miss Australia, she will not stand for that.

-I liked him.

You know those dogs that you get in the back of your car?

He did a lot of that.

Really, honestly, I was looking in my rear-view mirror for most...

-One more, one more?

-Yep.

-OK, here we go. Hello!

AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS

-Hiya!

-He's very popular already.

Can I have a Milkybar?

I also get called Sid the Sloth, just between you and I.

Aw, there's a whiff of Hogwarts as well.

What's your name, sir?

-I'm Richard.

-Richard?

-Yes.

-And where are you from, Richard?

-Brisbane as well.

-Oh. Australia?

-Yeah.

Do you know Example?

-We go way back.

-No, DO you know Example?

-No, I don't.

-Do you know Miss Australia?

-Yeah, why not?

-But do you live here now, Richard?

-I wish I did.

I used to, so I'm just here back visiting my old flatmates...

Oh, that's really interesting(!)

Right, right, right.

Here we go. Richard from Brisbane is about to tell us

either the funniest or most interesting thing

that has ever happened in his entire life.

I have high hopes.

I used to be a travel agent about four years ago

and I had an 80-year-old Italian gentleman come into the store,

asking to go to Roma.

Now, as opposed to any other human aside from myself,

you would assume Rome in Italy.

Now, for those of you who aren't aware of the geography of Australia,

there's a town about 1,000 miles away from Brisbane called Roma.

No! No!

Yep. So...

Giovanni, shall we call him, rocks up to the airport in his A-frame,

gets in his little propeller plane to Roma.

Subsequently get a phone call that afternoon,

very angry, and very broken English.

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Has he not heard this before?

-Is that the end of this story?

-Yeah.

Yeah, OK. And well done, Richard!

Hope you've enjoyed the show.

You can contact us via our website at this very address.

Thank you to my lovely guests tonight.

-Example, everybody!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Frank Skinner.

Billie Piper.

And Mr Josh Groban!

Join me next week

when my guests will include the coolest movie director in the world.

Quentin Tarantino will be here.

I'll see you then. Goodbye, everybody. Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd