Episode 11 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language.

We have one of Hollywood's most famous directors.

He will be here any second. I better get a move on. Giddy up,

Lightning, go! CRACK REINS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! Oh!

Welcome, one, welcome, all. Good evening. Oh! Let me tell you,

ladies and gentlemen, we have got a great show for you tonight. Writer

and director extraordinaire, Quentin Tarantino is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, he is. Top Scottish actor, James McAvoy is

on the show. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hilarious

comic, Alan Davies is here. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Plus we will

be having music and a chat with the wonderful Emeli Sande.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I know! Good, isn't it? It's good. So excited to

welcome Quentin Tarantino on to the show. He's either won an award or

his car has been crushed! LAUGHTER Here is his new film. It is Django

Unchained. Yes, the "D" is silent. Rather like the "N" in Tory cuts!

LAUGHTER Think about it. It cooks slowly. Filtering through their

brains. Tarantino's first big film was Reservoir Dogs. It features

that scene where one of the gangsters is tied to a chair and

has their ear cut off. He is tied to a chair. Who would volunteer to

have their ears cut off?! LAUGHTER Me, please! Then I'll see Viva

Forever! LAUGHTER He is such a hot director right now. The studios are

offering him new projects. There is talk of him putting his own spin on

a few classics - The Sound of Music. Yes. LAUGHTER Miss Marple. And

everyone's favourite, The Snowman! LAUGHTER Let's get the guests on!

Emeli Sande. APPLAUSE First, prepare to LOL, the man from QI,

Alan Davies. There he is. APPLAUSE Oh! Hello, Sir. Hello, Graham.

a seat. He is my favourite actor, it is James McAvoy, everybody.

APPLAUSE Oh! Hello, Sir. Lovely to see you. Have a seat. He's the red-

hot director, the King of Cool, it is Quentin Tarantino! APPLAUSE Oh!

Oh! Have a seat. Welcome, all. Welcome, all. Now, I have to say, I

don't want to be rude, but is it fair to say geeky, is it a geeky

couch? LAUGHTER You are famous for - you have a great knowledge?

afficionado couch! Are you like the American Stephen Fry?! James, are

you geeky about film, or about other things? I'm geeky about some

things and I'm geeky about Star Trek. I'm geeky about, not all

motorbikes, but my one rubbish motorbike. Alan, you have sat

through how many episodes of QI? 150. Are you an encyclopaedia?

goes in one ear and out the other. I have no retention whatsoever.

you not remember any of it? No. The only thing I remember is there is

more than one moon. LAUGHTER remember that because Rich Hall was

on the show and he said, "There's only one moon." That is quite

interesting. It is. The only thing I can remember is not everyone's

Peacock stinks after asparagus. Whose doesn't here? Mine does!

could do a show of hands. Whose wee doesn't smell after asparagus? But

it can change. No?! My Peacock didn't used to but now - the thing

is it -- my pee didn't used to but now - the thing is... You know what

they say about eating pineapple? Does that work? With What do they

say? I love you are going to tell them! If you eat pineapple, you...

Don't shi tirks it out whole! shit it out whole! APPLAUSE If you

eat pineapple, it affects the taste of your sperm. For the better?

yes. We could try it right now. Here's a pineapple! Any volunteers?

We will be here for an hour! LAUGHTER If there is job in it, I

will do anything. You have to plan ahead. You have to cut the

pineapple, peel it, and maybe no- one is interested. You are going on

a date, you have high hopes! window of opportunity. How long

does it taste nice for? Is there an optimum moment? It's 10.30pm, I

taste fantastic NOW! I do buy pineapple - I won't be able to buy

it any more! They will go, "I know about you!" LAUGHTER Listen, we

have got to talk - Quentin Tarantino, your current movie is on

course to be the most commercially successful one so far? It might be

yes. Django Unchained, I have seen it. I loved it. It is a proper

Quentin Tarantino film. We get to see it on the 18th January. It is

almost like a legend, a fable told through a western? Yes, it has a

folklore kind of quality. It is about an ex-slave who is given his

freedom and he becomes a bounty hunter. It is during slavery and he

is an ex-slave who becomes a bounty hunter. His job is to kill white

men and get the bountys for criminals who are hiding --

bounties for criminals who are hiding out who have bounties on

their head. We have a clip. This is Jamie Foxx as Django meeting

Christopher Waltz, the bounty hunter. His life is about to change.

This is my horse. What kind of doctor? Dentist. Did you purchase

those men at the slave auction? Speak English! Please forgive me.

Amongst your inventory I have been led to believe is a specimen I'm

keen to acquire. Hello, you poor devils. Is there one amongst you

who was a resident of the plantation? I am. Who said that?

What is your name? Django. You are the one I'm looking for. APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. always, a stellar cast, Samuel

Jackson. Does anyone turn you down? Every once in a while it happens. A

weird - one of the things was in the case of Pulp Fiction, I had

worked with Michael on Reservoir Dogs. I thought he was terrific. I

wrote the character that John Travolta played for him. I write

the whole script. I'm working on it for seven months. He knows it is

coming. He knows I'm writing it. He is like, "Oh yes, I can't wait to

do it, it will be great." LAUGHTER Two weeks before I finish the

script, he takes the job on Wyatt Earp and he can't do it. That

explains the black mamba in Kill Bill 2. Did you have to fight to

get John Travolta in it? No-one wanted him. The film he did before

Pulp Fiction was Look Who's Talking 3. That's a great film(!) It's a

trilogy! It is like Back To The Future! You are a young director,

you have John Travolta and you are teaching him how to dance. I didn't

have to teach him how to dance. Could you dance like that now?

wanted him to dance a particular way. I'll do it! APPLAUSE Let me

set it up. Twists can be boring. I wanted Vincent and Mia to have two

different characters when they twist. When Vince twists, I wanted

him to be rigid. APPLAUSE Like that. That's good. Thank you, thank you.

When Mia twists, the image that I had in my mind was cat from the

Aristocats. There is that one sing where she dances and she is like...

LAUGHTER Just before we move off Pulp Fiction, have you seen the

Pulp Fiction... You mean the Stephen King novel ...? That's

Carrie! It is a bit of Ireland. It is a remote bit of Ireland. These

students take a little clip from Pulp Fiction and they have dubbed

it over so well with quite broad accents. Do you have an example?

Here it is. I'm talking about a glass of beer. It is like being in

McDonald's, you know what they call a quarterpounder with cheese in

Paris? Do you know what a quarterpounder is? A Royale with

cheese. What do they call a Big Mac? They call it Le Big Mac!

LAUGHTER Isn't that good? Great. I would encourage those guys to do

the entire movie. I would love to see that. You know what is coming?!

You have my permission! Talking of directing John Travolta, you have

filmed a film Welcome To The Punch. He sounds like a handful? You would

have to ask his wife! LAUGHTER is great. He's the most sharp,

intelligent, write it is best dialogue, the best characters...

Hello?! Hello?! We will work that out! LAUGHTER He is unbelievable.

He would do the running man for me to energise me. He would come up

behind me and I would be getting ready to do a scene and he would go

up behind me and he would go, "I'm going to fuck you up!" LAUGHTER

sent me an e-mail saying that exact thing, for no reason. That's

Welcome To The Punch. That is me with a lot of pineapple in me!

you have had directors push you to the edge? Didn't you have a thing

where you had a chase? I did. I had to do a scene, I had to get out of

a bath and my wife in the show, not my real-life wife, she came round

and she wanted something and I had it and then she took it and I had

to chase her around the flat in the nude dripping wet. It was shot in

February. LAUGHTER It took 11 hours to shoot. They're impressed! I had

a really small, I didn't need any more flesh-coloured triangle taped

over my tiny shrivelled genitals and I had to run round this set for

11 hours and I had to pin her to the bed. The only time we stopped,

they had to put more water on me. It is like when they get a whale on

the beach. You might die if Yu don't -- if they don't keep him wet.

I said to the director, "Have you got a problem with me?" No! When

they made it, when they finished it, it was rubbish! APPLAUSE Going back

to directing, Quentin Tarantino, this is your seventh movie. Have

you thought of tackling Shakespeare? He's about to do

Macbeth. I am. We are like Harry Potter, we are allowed... Maybe you

don't care about the bad luck, I do! This might be my biggest hit

ever! I said The Scottish Play's real name. It's good. It's got lots

of blood and gore. It's got a moving forest. It is right up your

strasse! People have made Shakespearean comparisons to my

work... You have played Lady Macbeth? I did. LAUGHTER You did?

made a bold choice(!) I was auditioning for places in drama

courses when I was a teenager and they gave us a list of pieces to

learn. And I went - I thought I would be different. I did Lady

Macbeth. Not very well! LAUGHTER Look, I have a bit here. If you

wanted to do a bit, we have marked it up. You probably know... I'm in

the middle of rehearsing it. I do know that bit, I think. If you do

that bit, there. I have got a little prop for you. There you go.

LAUGHTER If you just read that. That is your line down THERE. Where

it says Lady Macbeth. Maybe if you do the notes afterwards. OK. I

promise I will be better than this if you come and see the play.

Macbeth doth Murder sleep - the innocent sleep,

Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleave of care,

The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath,

Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,

Chief nourisher in life's feast. Macbeth doth Murder sleep - the

innocent sleep, Sleep that knits up the ravell'd

sleave of care, The death of each day's life, sore

labor's bath, Balm of hurt minds, great nature's

second course, Chief nourisher in life's feast.

What do you mean? That is the line! That's as is written. Quentin, we

can certainly make it like cinema shape. Do you want to stand up? We

have a bigger sword. That is more you, isn't it? Can we make it

cinemascope? There you go. You are playing in Scottish, right? I don't

have to. I'm making sure that was a Scottish accent! LAUGHTER Go with

the Scottish accent. Stay with that. And so I think you are OK, but

really, you know, you can't have a prop like this and let this jofr

take you, man. You have to play -- overtake you, man. You have to play

with it. This isn't a toothpick! LAUGHTER What is it? It is like

stealthy Ninja directing! He is going to be pulling out these cool

moves. Here we go. Shall we have a bit of music.

MUSIC FROM PULP FICTION Action. Macbeth doth Murder sleep - the

innocent sleep, Sleep that knits up the ravell'd

sleave of care, The death of each day's life, sore

labor's bath, Balm of hurt minds, great nature's

second course, Chief nourisher in life's feast.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck, what do you mean?! There you go! APPLAUSE

I'm taking that. Beautiful. That was Tarantino. Jamie Lloyd is

directing yours. Yes. Where and when can we see it? We will be on

at the Trafalgar Studios from 9th February onwards. We have a

wonderful outreach programme targeting first time theatre-goers

and people who would not always feel that comfortable going to the

theatre, so people who maybe feel alienated by the prices. On the

first Mondays of every week, we make it affordable. Lots happens,

it's easy to follow? A lot of killing. A lot of nearly sex!

LAUGHTER Is it set now? Is it set then? It is set - it is like if we

took all the hot topics of the day so economic disaster, environmental

disaster, Scottish independence. Imagine they all happened at the

same time and then 50 years later. Is it kilt or no kilt? No kilts. No

Irn-Bru. There may be whisky and there will be blood. No haggis?

That is a wedding invitation! LAUGHTER There may be haggi, but we

have not rested... I suppose in a way it is fitting that you are

playing Macbeth. So many people discovered you in Last King Of

Scotland. Yes. APPLAUSE You look amazing there! How did you do that?

You must have eaten a lot of pies! LAUGHTER The end of that film is so

intense that you hang - it is worse than anything you have done. Oh!

Check out my nearly six-pack! I don't have that any more. That must

have been horrible to do? Yes, that was pretty nasty to do. Also, I was

such a victim in that scene, not necessarily of circumstance,

because I helped create that circumstance, but I was a victim of

violence in that scene. I was being suspended on this little sea saw.

How we had the money for CGI I don't know. There was no weight on

these ropes that had these things going into my fake chest. I was

acting and doing all my thing and stuff and I suppose I stopped

breathing at one point. I stopped breathing for too long that I

passed out. I'm balancing on this bicycle saddle and I fell off. I

was hanging upside-down with this wire connected to my fake nipple

which is made of silicon rubber and nobody ran in to save me as I was

about to smash my head on the ground. They thought, "Crazy actors,

they do this stuff all the time! He is probably just acting." Quentin,

you strangled Diane, didn't you? did. How badly did you strangle

her? It was interesting. The thing is when ever you do a close-up of

somebody being strangled in a film, I never buy it. All right? When

somebody is being strangled there is a thing that happens to their

face and the way they turn a certain colour and their veins pop

out. How do you know this?! I guess I don't know that for sure!

LAUGHTER I can imagine. And it always seems fake, you know, they

are doing this all the time. This was Inglourious Basterds? I talked

to Diane and I said, "Look, here is what I would like to do if you are

OK with it. I don't want any bullshit here." OK? "I want to do

it because it is on me. I only want to do this once." I don't want you

breathing afterwards! I said, "I'm going to be the hands and I'm going

to just strangle you, all right?" LAUGHTER "I'm going to cut off your

air for a little bit of time. We will see the reaction in your face

and then we will cut." The stunt guy will be there. LAUGHTER We will

do it once! And she trusted me. Wow! So we got a really good thing.

It was real. It looked really good. Also, I was able to... Enjoy it?

no. LAUGHTER I'm trying to get a reaction... APPLAUSE Do you ever

try sex scenes in that kind of way? I'm going to put it in you, I will

only do it once! I don't want to be here all day! APPLAUSE Is this

making you nervous? You are acting again? You are doing Jonathan Creek

again? We are. It is nicer than this? Someone once put a vacuum

cleaner over my face and it sucked on my cheek. LAUGHTER Is this a new

series? It is a one-off special. We might do more later in the year.

Brilliant. I'm glad it is back. Thank you. It was weird that it

went away. We have Rick Mayall and Joanna Lumley. When will it be on?

At Easter. Does it involve a rabbit or Jesus? No. No rabbits and no -

there is a kind of a resurrection... It is quite clever. I look forward

to seeing it. Alan Davies, a stand- up comedian again. Yes. Ten years?

It is longer. The last time I toured was in 1999. I did the

Edinburgh Festival in 2001. Last year I toured around the UK and I'm

doing two shows in Hammersmith in February. The 16th and 17th

February. That's my poster. It's got well reviewed. You are kind of

kicking yourself you didn't do it for so long? Kind of. I have

enjoyed touring again. I enjoyed doing the show. I have two small

children now. So when I'm at home, it is quite full-on and then when

I'm touring, it is like a day out! LAUGHTER Wonder around - I went

around Carlisle which turns out to be really nice, going in-and-out of

the shops. I went to the pictures. It was like being on holiday. The

show is going well. I have enjoyed it. It is called Life Is Pain,

which doesn't sound full of laughs? I saw the poster and I thought,

"That looks like a talk about suicide." It came from an an ebg

dote about a little girl who said that to her mum when she was being

told off. She was about six-years- old. She is being told off. She

said to her mum, "Life is pain." I thought it was hilarious! LAUGHTER

Wait till I tell the audience. Oh! The same little girl on another

occasion, the mum was telling her off, she turned to her mum and she

said, "Even the people you love will betray you." It goes into a

folder of notes of funny things. LAUGHTER Sounds like a character

from one of your films. Or one of your kick arse films! That became

the title of the show. It is about my family growing up, you know, and

life is pain. Everyone's got a little bit. I don't dwell on that.

Then it is quite a lot of stuff about sex toys! LAUGHTER There's

bits about parenting in it? My dad features quite a lot. My own

parenting. When we grew up we were nagging Our Father for stuff to buy.

My mum died when we were little. I remember him buying a lilo on

holiday once. I had a diving mask that I wore for the two weeks, I

never took it off. LAUGHTER I was ten, right? My sister had a bikini,

she was eight. But it came up around her neck and nearly drowned

her. She pulled me under. I said, "Give me the bikini!" I had the

diving mask and the bikini on. I have never been happier before or

since! When he got the lilo, rather than blowing it up, he went to the

hire car and got the foot pump and he blew the lilo up like this.

LAUGHTER As if he was on display. People will watch you if you blow

it up like that. Then he said, "Come here, please. Test that." I

touched the pillow bit and it went BANG! LAUGHTER Separated from the

main body of the lilo. I have never seen that happen before or since.

He is looking at me like, "You little shit!" No hidden pins. You

have overinflated the lilo. Before we move on, James, we must mention

your new movie with Danny Boyle. Yes. It will be March ...? 27th

March. That is my birthday. This movie is called Trance. It is about

memory loss? It is about er... It is about er... Very good! It is

about memory loss, violence, both psychological and physical, it is

about sexual desire and art and theft. It is a psychological

thriller. It is very Danny Boyle. Sounds very much like Jonathan

Creek. And Macbeth and Django Unchained. We have a bit of the

trailer which sets it up and makes Where is it? I can't remember.

you'll remember. Have you been hypnotised before? I want you to

relax. APPLAUSE He is just special

whatever he does, like yourself. He is a national treasure. I realised

we didn't explain what it was about. You steal...? I steel a $25 million

painting as it is being auctioned. And after the heist is over, when

the baddies I'm in league with decide to open the box, they bring

out the frame and there is nothing there and they come to me and say,

"Where's the painting?" I go, "I'm honest when I say I can't

remember." We try and unlock where the painting is. We unlock a hell

of a lot more than just where the painting is. The audience doesn't

know where it is? The audience have no idea. They haven't seen it

happen? No, it is about what you think you remember and how memory

is a very creative process. whole film would have been, if he

had just said, "Just think where you were when you last had it."

LAUGHTER Then you would have found it! We had on QI where if you were

looking for something, like your car keys, if you keep saying the

name of the thing you are looking for, you are more likely to find it.

Really? Yes. So keep saying, self- respect, self-respect. LAUGHTER

Ten-inch cock! It is mainly keys! Right. It is time for music. This

singer has had an extraordinary 2012 and has been nominated for

three BRIT Awards. It is Emeli Sande. APPLAUSE You look so well.

Thank you. Hello. Happy New Year? Happy New Year. What an amazing

year you had? Last year was ace. It was amazing. It was this time last

year, you had just got the BRITs Best Breakthrough Choice. You made

me sit next to Madonna! Who got Best Oldcomer. This is the best-

selling album of 2012. Yes. Congratulations. Thank you very

much. Fantastic. APPLAUSE Thank you. It must be that scary thing, "Now I

have to do another album."? Yes, I am delaying it. Maybe thinking

about other career options! It's amazing. I never expected anything

like that. What a year. I don't think I can top 2012. I will try.

Listen, you must be sick talking about it. I must mention the

Olympics. It was lovely seeing so much of you! LAUGHTER How did you

end up in quite so much of it? Did the Closing Ceremony people know

that you had been booked for the opening bit? I don't think they had.

You don't say no, really. Working with Danny Boyle was amazing.

Getting asked to do the Opening Ceremony was - I was invited to

their secret bunker. The whole plan was unveiled. Getting to sing Abide

With Me was a great honour. The next week, Kim Gavin got in touch.

There I was. You looked great. I know the venue well! You were

performing George Square at the Glaswegian Torch... Yes. I carried

the Torch towards you and I thought I was going to get to go all the

way. They said, "No, you give it to somebody else." I get to watch her?

They said, "No, you are outside the fence!" I have just carried the

Olympic Torch. I'm in films and everything! LAUGHTER I can't watch

the gig? Have you not met before? No. You are both from Scotland?

There's only about five of us. is weird. We are connected. I have

written a song for Trance. You have. We have got our Scotland... Yes. I

was very excited. I am really excited. The film is great. You are

singing my favourite track off the album. I thought this would be an

obvious second single. I don't know. It feels like a sad close to the

album. Really? No. We wanted to leave this till the last. It was

one of the first ones that I really feel expresses me so I'm happy to

sing it tonight and for it to close the album campaign. Is this the

last single? Yes. I think so. can milk another few out of it!

LAUGHTER Don't be an idiot! LAUGHTER And I know you are doing

it live for us tonight. Emeli, if you want to get ready? Off you go.

Lovely. APPLAUSE Shortly, we will be paying a visit to the Red Chair.

But first, performing Clown, Emeli # I guess it's funnier from where

you're standing # Cause from over here I missed the

joke # Clear the way for my crash

landing # I've done it again, another

number for your notes # I'd be smiling if I wasn't so

desperate # I'd be patient if I had the time

# I could stop and answer all of your questions

# As soon as I find out how I can move from the back of the line

# I'll be your clown # Behind the glass

# Go 'head and laugh, # Cause it's funny I would too,

# If I saw me I'll be your clown, # On your favourite channel

# My life's a circus, circus, round in circles, selling out tonight

# I'd be less angry if it was my decision

# And the money was just rolling in # If I had more than my ambition

# I'll have time for please, # I'll have time for thank you as

soon as I win # I'll be your clown

# Behind the glass # Go 'head and laugh,

# Cause it's funny I would too, # If I saw me I'll be your clown,

# On your favourite channel # My life's a circus, circus, round

in circles, selling out tonight # From the distance my choice is

simple # From a distance I can entertain

# So you can see me, # I put make-up on my face

# But there's no way you can feel # From so far away

# I'll be your clown # Behind the glass

# Go 'head and laugh, # Cause it's funny I would too,

# If I saw me I'll be your clown, # On your favourite channel

# My life's a circus, circus, round CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Beautiful! Emeli Sande! APPLAUSE Come and join me, Emeli.

Oh! Just gorgeous! Thank you. Beautiful. Emeli Sande, everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Seriously, I think that is one of

the loveliest live vocals we have ever had on the show. Wow! Thank

you. Gorgeous! Thank you. Really gorgeous! APPLAUSE Right, before we

go tonight, just time for a visit to the Red Chair. Who have we got?

Hello? What is your name? Lee. Lovely. Where do you live? London.

In London. I'm from Newcastle. do you do in London? Interior

design. What is your favourite bit of interior design? Being creative.

Good answer! OK. Dull answer! A bit of rag rolling or something! Lee,

delight us with your tale? Basically, apologies to my mum now.

I was with my boyfriend at the time and I was trying to get to know him

a bit better, we were both getting to know each other a bit better.

hear you, Lee. My phone ended up on the bed, I lent on the bed and

ended up ringing my mum. Obviously I didn't know this until I had

finished. And then I had a message from my mum saying, "Are you OK, it

sounds like you are in pain?" LAUGHTER You can walk. Thank you.

Well done. If you would like to have a go on the Red Chair, go to

our website. A huge thank you to Emeli Sande. APPLAUSE Alan Davies.