Episode 9 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language.

There's been talk about austerity, but it won't stop us turning on our spectacular Christmas illuminations!

-Here we go.

-ALL:

-Three, two, one, go!

CHEERING

"DECK THE HALLS" JINGLE PLAYS AND FADES

Let's start the show!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh! Woo.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Good evening!

Oh!

Woo! It stinks, it stinks.

Welcome, everybody. Aw, Christmas.

I know, it seems to get earlier every year, doesn't it?

It really does, yeah. Uh-huh.

LAUGHTER

We've got a cracker of a show for you tonight.

Film star extraordinaire Dustin Hoffman is here, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah!

Legendary Scottish comedian Billy Connolly is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ab Fab star Jennifer Saunders is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining us later, it's not Christmas without him,

Doctor Who himself, Matt Smith is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know!

Plus - yes, plus - we've got music from the wonderful Amy MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, we do.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

I am so excited to have Jennifer Saunders back on the show.

What has she done?

She's only written the new Spice Girls musical, Viva Forever!

-CHEERING

-Yes.

Now, here are the actual Spice Girls launching the show.

Aw, there they are. Pretending to like one another.

LAUGHTER

No, isn't it great, though, that after all the cat fights

and the bad blood, that something can bring them back together again?

LAUGHTER

Do you know what's weird, ladies and gentlemen? Very strange.

A lot of the Spice Girls' lyrics have actually come true. They have.

You know, like, "When two become one". Mm-hmm.

"If you want to be my lover". Mm-hmm.

And "Stop right now, thank you very much".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Zig-zig-ugh"!

LAUGHTER

So, it's so nice to have Dustin as a guest again.

Now, of course, Dustin's breakthrough was in The Graduate. The Graduate.

That was a graduate back then. This is a graduate nowadays.

LAUGHTER

"Two minutes for the fries, Mrs Robinson!"

Now, Dustin and Billy Connolly have just worked together on a new film, Quartet.

The film is all about four elderly opera singers.

Of course, everyone has to grow old and pass away,

but it's especially sad when it's a much-loved opera star.

I remember when they cremated Pavarotti.

LAUGHTER

That was the saddest two weeks of my life, ladies and gentlemen.

LAUGHTER

You do sometimes wonder how singers will turn out as they get older.

I mean, for instance, here's Madonna in her prime. Yeah.

And here's what she'll look like in a few years' time.

LAUGHTER

Lets get some guests on!

CHEERING

Later, we will be chatting to Matt Smith.

But first, she's here to spice up my sofa,

it is Jennifer Saunders!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-Am I coming here?

A Christmas greeting!

-I know.

-Hello, darling.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to you.

-Sit down.

-Thank you.

Jennifer Saunders, everybody.

Let's have a wee chat with the Big Yin, it's Billy Connolly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. You're very welcome. Have a seat.

And it's time to meet the Focker, it's Dustin Hoffman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. Very good to see you.

Sit, sit, sit.

Am I the only one with alcohol?

Meeting, greeting. Lovely.

I just noticed your shoes. They're fantastic, Billy.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-They're like two little sporrans on your feet.

-They're nice!

Yeah, my wife bought me a pair of shoes and they had spikes on them.

They were very violent-looking things.

And I hated them and I took them back and changed them for these.

-Can I take one off and show the audience?

-They're jolly.

Oh, oh, it's off!

LAUGHTER

-Lovely.

-Is there a barber in the house?

LAUGHTER

Now, Christmas connections with all our guests. Dustin's first...

I think your first-ever acting job was in - or role, at least -

-was in A Christmas Carol, wasn't it?

-Yes, yes.

I had no designs to be an actor,

and particularly after I did the show. They went around...

I was in junior high school.

They went around looking for the shortest kid in the entire school

to play Tiny Tim.

I knew nothing about it.

There was a ninth-grader, a guy who was like my big brother,

and we were backstage just before I went on.

And Tiny Tim has the last line of the play.

He climbs up on the table with his crutch and he says,

"God bless us all, every one!"

And the guy who I wanted to impress so much said to me,

"I dare you to say 'God bless us, every one, God dammit!' "

LAUGHTER

I did.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

-And did it go down a storm?

-Yes, I was suspended from school.

LAUGHTER

That was weird when you did that, Tiny Tim gets up on stage.

I thought you were going to do that farting noise.

"Merry Christmas, everyone! Pffffft!"

And a very exciting Christmas for Jennifer Saunders,

cos you have a granddaughter.

-Son!

-Son...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Who's been doing your research?

Oh, it's a small child. You're delighted, it's good.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, I have a grandson!

He's now "mmm" weeks old.

I don't know!

-We've established his sex. What more does he want?

-That's enough.

And presumably, you'll not be buying your grandson a pet for Christmas?

-Why not?

-Well, because you've had bad experiences buying people pets for Christmas.

Oh, are you talking about that guinea pig and Dawn?

-Yes!

-All right. Well, we had a guinea pig,

and guinea pigs arrived and it had a baby very quickly.

And I thought, "What can I do with a baby guinea pig?"

So we give it to Billie, Dawn's daughter, for Christmas.

-And put it in a little cage and everything and sent it up, for Christmas.

-Mm-hmm.

Her dog ate it.

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry. That has so lowered the tone. And it's Christmas.

-And you a grandmother.

-I know!

Those dogs that come up and smell your crotch...

and the person who owns the dog says,

"I think it can smell your dog."

LAUGHTER

What?

"I don't have a dog."

# And they call it puppy love. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

Now... it's Christmas treats all round.

Doctor Who will be here shortly.

We're going to be talking about Viva Forever!,

the Spice Girls musical, as well.

But, Billy and Dustin, it's no accident you're here together,

because you've just made this...

It's a beautiful film. It's funny, it's boo-hoo, it's great. Quartet.

You star, Billy, Dustin directs.

Briefly, just tell us the premise of the movie.

Well, it's taken from a documentary called Tosca's Kiss,

and Verdi, who was an opera composer, in the last years of his life,

he built a mansion for himself and he said in his will, stipulated, that when he died,

he wanted all the opera singers that had once played La Scala,

any musicians now living on hard times - and that happens frequently -

to be able to have a place to live.

And so he donated his mansion to these people,

and that's what the documentary was about.

The writer, Ronald Harwood, saw the documentary

and that gives him the inspiration to write this film.

So it is retired opera singers and musicians who live in this home,

which sounds deadly. LAUGHTER

When you tell people about it... HE SNORES

They say, "I'll wait for it to come out on video."

And we as the director and cast were aware of this, and we said,

"How do we show this to an audience in an entertaining and comic way?"

And that was the attempt. And that's what we...

Also, moving, and how can we hold the audience's attention for 90 minutes?

And, Billy, when you got the call saying,

"Oh, we're making a film about a retirement home," did you think,

"Oh, well, I'll be playing a doctor or the son of one of the..."?

Was it a shock to you to find out that you were...?

Oh, no, I knew I was going to be playing an old guy.

LAUGHTER

And I practised, you know.

Putting my tongue out when the spoon was only halfway to my face.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He kept saying he was the youngest one on the cast,

because he wasn't even 70 yet.

And he bragged about his testosterone level daily.

The best advice I was ever given about getting older is

"Never trust a fart."

LAUGHTER

As we get older, we learn things. We live and we get older and wiser.

-And I know, Jennifer, you've learnt a valuable life lesson.

-Have I?

Yes, you've. A valuable life lesson about chewing gum.

-Oh, no!

-LAUGHTER

It is a bit of a senior moment, too.

I was...

I was...

undressing one night, and realised I couldn't remove my underpants.

Something had happened.

And what had happened was - and I knew immediately...

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

..that while I had been on the toilet earlier...

-Toilet, you were on the toilet?

-Toilet, on the toilet.

I had spat out my gum.

And I thought I had thrown it into the toilet, but I'd actually...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Yes.

I had actually thrown it into my underpants.

Which I then put on and spent the rest of the day in.

Yes, I had to remove myself with nail scissors. Thank you.

LAUGHTER

-Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-It was not nice.

But that's a senior moment, really, isn't it?

Listen, going back to the movie,

it's a really lovely story and phenomenal cast.

Here's a clip. This is when Maggie Smith, with a past...

She's the diva.

-And she's returned to meet these opera singers she knew before.

-Yes.

Oh, Reg, this is the first time we've seen each other

in God knows how many years.

'97.

SHE GASPS Is it really that long?

God, how time flies.

Oh, you're joking!

-BOBBY:

-Cissy!

Bobby, give us a clue, for God's sake.

Is it a book, a film, a play?

Cissy.

The note?

I couldn't read your writing.

Meeting, now!

Oh, God! The emergency meeting!

-I wonder what that was all about.

-Where's Reg? Where's Reg?

Reg!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, in terms of being senior, Billy, you don't seem old, but yet,

your wife, Pamela, for her latest book, made you write a bucket list?

The list of things to do before you kick the bucket?

Yeah, she constantly makes me do things like this.

What is a bucket list?

Things you want to do before you're dead.

-Oh, before you kick the bucket?

-Yeah.

And you seem to be scraping the barrel for things to do,

cos one of the things, you've already done, haven't you?

Oh, aye, I pierced my nipples.

No, I didn't. A guy did it. I didn't...

LAUGHTER

I don't have them any more. I took them out for a film - Mrs Brown.

I had a swimming scene and I had to...

It was Victorian, and nobody had pierced nipples then.

LAUGHTER

-I couldn't get them back in.

-They had a Prince Albert, but not a pierced nipple.

Do they heal over?

-I was going to get a Prince Albert.

-Were you? No!

Aye, but I couldn't bear the thought of a guy with my willy in his hand!

LAUGHTER

Oh-h!

"Z-z-zzz".

Oh! But do you want to do parachuting, or is it skydiving?

Skydiving, cos I've parachuted before.

I was in the Territorial Parachute Regiment.

But we didn't do skydiving.

We just did that static line thing where you hook on.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

-But now...

-So you want to skydive on your birthday?

-Yeah, yeah.

-And are you going to?

-Oh, yes.

-Well, now, this is weird.

Because of the recording, this show will go out after you've done it,

if you see what I mean.

It's going out after your birthday.

So you'll have done it by now.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's just like some time warp.

I'm sure it will go really well,

but just in case, roll it there, please.

HEAVENLY MUSIC

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We're covered now, we've covered. Yeah. Actually, funnily enough,

the only reason people won't see that is if something bad happens!

LAUGHTER

But listen, when it comes to bucket lists, I think a lot of people

might have that they'd love to save someone's life,

because that would make you feel good.

Dustin Hoffman, you have done that.

-Recently, didn't you, you saved someone's life?

-So says the media.

What happened?

Well, I was just walking in Hyde Park while we were the shooting the film

and people were jogging, and this young guy jogged past me

and he suddenly stopped and he stood up and he stood there,

and he just put his hands on his legs,

and I thought he was just stretching,

and suddenly he just went "whomp", right on his face.

It was quite blooded.

He was out.

He had collapsed.

I looked at him, and he was struggling for breath.

I just started yelling.

I said, you know, "Anyone have a phone?

"What's the equivalent of 911 in this country?"

-A couple of people came over - what is it, 999?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They dialled immediately. They got the paramedics,

and I was saying on the phone, you know, what I had seen.

They said, "Did he collapse or did he pass out?"

I said, "No, he collapsed. He's not conscious, he's all bloody.

"And should I move him? He's having trouble breathing."

They said, "Just turn him gently so he can breathe."

So myself and a couple of other people did that, and I must say

the paramedics were there, it was right across through from Albert Hall,

and it took only three minutes and the paramedics were there.

They immediately came over.

They slit open his shirt.

They said, "We can't find a carotid pulse," and they defibrillate -

I can never say that - help me with that. Defibrillated?

I don't know what it is.

LAUGHTER

If they, you know, "Clear!" That thing.

-Defibul... Defrib-fib, fib-fibrillated.

-Yes!

They're removing the chewing gum from his underwear.

LAUGHTER

Was it pubic hair? But no, you don't have to tell me.

LAUGHTER

-Didn't need to wax for months, let's say that.

-LAUGHTER

And they had a portable EKG there and they put it on him

and they started to get a reading.

-It was one of the most extraordinary things I've ever seen in my life.

-Wow.

They said to me, they said this was not a matter of minutes,

this was a matter of seconds.

They were the heroes,

but as it is with the media, the movie star gets the action.

And rightly so.

-Yes, of course.

-Well done, Dustin Hoffman. Very good, saving a life.

-APPLAUSE

It's good that people didn't just think,

"Oh, I guess they're making a film. Let's..."

-LAUGHTER

-"Help, help!"

"He's very good, isn't he?"

-"The one on the ground isn't so good."

-LAUGHTER

Now, you look at the audience here, and obviously

-they're looking forward to Christmas presents, aren't you?

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Whatever.

-LAUGHTER

But what is on their bucket list? You know, what's that thing,

what's that one amazing thing they want to do before they, you know, check out.

So where... What does that say? Oh, thank you so much.

LAUGHTER

I wonder if... That does help.

-Do you not wear glasses?

-No, I really should.

-You should.

-No, clearly, that is so much better now.

-Thank you.

So where's Alison? Alison, where's Alison?

There's Alison.

Now, bless Alison.

Her bucket list wish, "Get married."

AUDIENCE: Aw!

-And then in brackets, "To anyone."

-LAUGHTER

-Aw!

-APPLAUSE

Oh, no.

-You

-are

-married!

LAUGHTER

We love a bride with low standards, that's nice.

Where's Rosie Cook?

Rosie Cook, there's Rosie.

Rosie would like to get a tattoo.

We don't know where she wants it, but she wants a tattoo of a cupcake

running away from another slightly more sinister cupcake.

LAUGHTER

-Are you going to get that done?

-Yeah.

-Where would you put it?

Probably somewhere where no-one would see it.

Maybe you could have a cupcake on one tit...

-LAUGHTER

-..and a sinister cupcake on the other one.

-Very good.

-That would be good, wouldn't it?

Yes, revelation.

I want to know what a sinister cupcake looks like.

LAUGHTER

Slightly evil.

Slightly evil?

-Yeah.

-Yes?

-Moody icing.

-Yeah! In blue.

Yeah, or lilac, I never trust lilac.

LAUGHTER

That's not a food colouring.

-Where... Is it Galit? Galit?

-Galit.

Galit. Galit, all right, fussy.

LAUGHTER

Galit, Galit and this is true, this is true,

we just asked people to send in what their wish was, Galit says,

"I would like to receive a kiss from Dustin Hoffman, one of my favourite actors."

That's true, isn't it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Oh! Oh!

-LAUGHTER

She's nervous now.

LAUGHTER

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Beautiful.

She's so happy.

I didn't think people actually did that.

-There's your glasses, I'll try to do the rest of the show without them.

-Yes.

Right, now, Billy Connolly, Mrs Brown,

-that was your first big acting break, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

And is it because of that movie that you got invited to have

dinner with the Queen?

No, that was because I was friendly with Fergie at the time.

That dates this story.

LAUGHTER

And obviously you have to be on your best behaviour.

Don't you have a particular trick that you do,

is it dinner parties you do it or is it buffets?

-What?

-Oh, yeah, the thing.

It's not a buffet.

It was a thing myself

and some actor friends did at Edinburgh Festival many years ago.

Edinburgh Festival, you're often asked to these buffets

with the Lord Mayor and people like that. They give you the paper

plate and those tomatoes and bits and stuff and a plastic fork

and a drink so you can't do anything with either.

There's nowhere to put the drink down,

and your tomatoes keep rolling around.

-LAUGHTER

-It becomes like one of those little things you used to get

to put ball bearings in Mickey Mouse's eyes.

LAUGHTER

So here's what you do if you're ever at one of those buffets.

It's the best, the only thing you can do is you put your willy on the plate.

LAUGHTER

And then you get some salad.

LAUGHTER

You put it on the top.

Don't put dressing on.

LAUGHTER

You put... Then you dare each other to go up and...

Now, you mustn't make a big mountain of it.

LAUGHTER

You just do enough so it's like it's something lurking in the long grass.

LAUGHTER

And then you just walk along and mingle with people.

Hello, how do you do?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Then you dare each other to talk, go and talk to the Lord Mayor's wife.

LAUGHTER

Talk about salad.

They do a lovely salad here. Yes.

LAUGHTER

You can see the woman going, "I didn't see the sausage rolls."

LAUGHTER

But beware, because those white plastic forks are very sharp.

LAUGHTER

You'll be pissing like a fountain for a week.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You didn't tell the Queen that story, did you?

Actually, Dustin, was it you and your mum met the Queen?

I met the Queen, I think it was 1979 for Kramer vs. Kramer.

My parents were alive, and I brought them to London to go to the premiere.

We were in a line standing there, and they had a red,

-I think it was red, you know, those ropes.

-Oh, yeah.

I stand in front of it, Meryl Streep was there and the director

and other people, and the Queen is going around,

and the whole time, her aide is whispering in her ear what

this next person, who it is and what they've done. They prompt her.

You know, then she asks questions, and it keeps getting closer

and closer, and as they're coming around, my mother is saying to me,

she was a very short woman, 4' 10", and she was standing behind the rope

and she kept saying, "I want to get in front, I want to meet her too."

I said, "Mom, you can't, you can't, you have to stay there," you know.

And as the Queen approached, it got about two persons away from me,

she says, "I can't move."

And I turned, and she had tried to get over the rope.

And she was halfway, and the rope was stuck midway.

And she couldn't go forward and she couldn't go back.

So she's there, and the rope is in her crotch...

And I said hello to the Queen and I picked my mother up and...

Now...

Dustin Hoffman, obviously, debut, your first ever film.

But not the only person doing something for the first time.

-Jennifer Saunders, you've written a musical.

-I have.

-Yeah!

-Well, I haven't written the music. That was already written.

-I've just written the book.

-This is Viva Forever!,

currently breaking box office records in the West End.

-Indeed.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, it is!

-WHOOPING

Even now it is.

-It has had the best reviews of any musical ever!

-Ever!

-It's very good.

-Is it?

Is it? Have you seen it?

-I loved it.

-I loved it too.

-I thought it was amazing(!)

-Thank you.

-I loved every second of it(!)

-He saw a preview, he loved it.

But listen, writing a musical, does someone come

and talk you through it, kind of go every few pages,

we need a song, happy song here, sad song here?

No, they just, erm... I just said, "I'd like to do this,"

because I was a big fan of the Spice Girls,

my daughters were huge fans,

and I just thought "I really fancy doing this."

And what about the Spice Girls?

-I mean, did they care?

-Yes, they really care.

And that's why I love them, because they really care.

This was a really wonderful time in their life

and a really fun time in their life.

I think the first people we had in where Emma and Mel C.

-They're the easy ones.

-They're the easy ones!

They came and sat in and they would get emotional about certain songs

and go, "Oh I loved that song when they did that,"

and, "I remember where we were when we sang that song."

It was a lovely experience.

And what about the more "ooh-ooh!" Spice Girls? Like Geri, was she very involved?

When you say "ooh-ooh"...

-Well, she is a bit Billy-bonkers, isn't she?

-She is not Billy-bonkers.

I've been at a party, and she ate meat out of her handbag.

-She ate meat out of her handbag?

-Yes.

It could have been a buffet affair!

She had probably been somewhere earlier!

Delicious!

But she's full-on, Geri, isn't she?

She's full-on, and I kind of like that about her,

because she hasn't changed a bit.

-She was always full-on.

-Oh, yeah!

And she came up with some great ideas for the treatment,

and I was a bit sensitive about...

It's a story about four girls in a group.

-But not them, not the Spice Girls.

-It's not the Spice Girls, no.

And I thought, I don't want to say "They fall out, and one of them doesn't get on"...

And I said, "I wonder if they should fall out?" She went, "Yes!

"They should fall out. Yes, it's got to have all that in it."

She was really keen that it had all that element of kind of female...

Cos you met them years ago, didn't you?

I met them before they were even famous.

I met them... Me and Dawn were sitting in a restaurant in Barnes,

and there was a recording studio opposite,

and these five girls came in.

Looking like, just five little girls, all with braided hair

and kind of... They were still jumping about even then.

And they came over and went, "Oh, my God, French and Saunders!"

And we went, "Yeah, yeah."

And they said, "We're over there recording, we're going to be the next big girl group."

We went...please!

"Of course you are. Of course you are(!)

"What are you called?

"The Spice Girls? Of course you are. You're going to be huge."

And then suddenly, they were on the TV, and you thought, "Durr!"

-Well, French and Saunders got good mileage out of them.

-Oh, plenty mileage.

Here you are in the Sugar Lumps.

That's you as full-on Geri...

Slightly scary Geri, I'd say that was. Scary Geri.

-And Dawn is very good as Posh Spice.

-She's very good as Posh Spice.

She made the mirror image of Posh Spice, I'd say.

-And Kathy as Sporty Spice.

-Kathy as Sporty.

-Very lovely.

-Lulu as Baby,

and Llewella Gideon as Scary.

Viva Forever! is playing now

and forever at the Piccadilly Theatre in London's West End.

And very exciting - here's a little taster of what to expect.

# Colours of the world Spice up your life

# Every boy and every girl Spice up your life

# People of the world Spice up your life

# Aaaaaaah

# Slam it to the left if you're having a good time

# Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine

-# Chicas to the front

-Hah Hah

-Go round

# Slam it to the left if you're having a good time

# Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine

-# Chicas to the front

-Hah Hah

# Hi-C-Ya Hold tight! #

-CHEERING

-Very good.

-Excellent.

-Come on, Billy. You've seen it, you loved it.

Oh, yes!

Excellent. Right, it is time for our next guest.

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without Santa Claus, Imodium and Doctor Who.

Please welcome Matt Smith, everybody!

WHOOPING

MATT: Look, it's Mr Hoffman!

It's a pleasure to meet you. Billy, how are you?

-Jennifer Saunders...

-Hello!

Perch up there. Lovely.

-Wow.

-Oh! How are you?

-WOMAN:

-I love you, Matt!

I love you too!

-I bet he's on a bucket list or two, isn't he?

-Yes!

Do you have a partner? You've got a lot of old people looking at you now going,

"Have you got a partner?"

I feel like I'm in sex therapy or something!

We've been here a long time.

We've had a drink, yeah...

We've had a drink, we've been waiting for you.

-They closed the M4.

-No!

I'm sorry I was late.

So listen, Doctor Who.

-I don't see enough of you, but it's always nice to know that I will see you on Christmas Day.

-Yeah.

So, tell us, this year, what madcap,

slightly disturbing adventure are you on?

Well, as always, I can't tell you anything.

This is the tragedy of the show, you can't actually promote it.

-You can tell us a bit.

-Yes.

So there is a new companion...

-Are you in it?

-Yes, I'm in it. I play The Doctor.

-Why have you never been in it?

-Well, no-one's ever asked me.

-Lies!

Where's my agent?

There was a rumour you were going to BE The Doctor, wasn't there?

I started that rumour, probably!

But, Billy, they did seriously... did they ask you to be Doctor Who?

No. It was in the newspapers, but it wasn't true.

Were you ever that young?

-So you've got a new companion.

-Yes. Jenna-Louise Coleman. She's doing marvellously well.

But this is the first time she's properly your assistant, in the Christmas episode.

-Yes.

-We've met her already.

-We've met her before, when she was a Dalek and then...

-She was a Dalek?!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-DUSTIN: A what?

-(A Dalek.)

A Dalek is the great enemy in the show, it's a sort of big evil...

It's a great warrior that can't walk up stairs.

-No, but they've fixed that now, Billy.

-Yeah.

-Really?

They can go upstairs now. Seriously, they can.

-Don't they, like, fly?

-Yeah, they do a little hover thing.

So they CAN get upstairs.

They can sleep upstairs.

Now I'm really scared(!)

Going upstairs will not save you, Billy.

-So, what are the villains this time, who are they?

-I can't say, sorry.

-Are they lizards or something?

-Are they secret lizardy people?

They are, they're secret lizardy people. No, they're not.

-Are they aliens, at least?

-There are aliens involved.

-There are aliens in it.

I'm sorry to be so cryptic, but they said don't say this, don't say that.

-Is it in colour?

-It's in colour.

-Lovely.

I'll tell you what, here's a taster of what to expect on Christmas Day.

Thought it was a secret!

Don't worry. No-one's going to hurt you.

-What is that thing?

-Silence, boy!

-That's Strax. He's easily confused.

Silence, girl! Sorry, lad.

Sontaran. Clone warrior race, factory produced,

whole legions at a time.

Two genders is a bit further than he can count!

Sir, do not discuss my reproductive cycle in front of enemy girls.

-It's embarrassing.

-(Typical middle child of six million.)

-Who are you?

-It doesn't matter,

because you're about to forget that you and I ever met.

-We'll need the worm.

-Sir.

You'll need the what? The worm, what worm?

Don't worry, it won't hurt you, but one touch on your bare skin

and you lose the last hour of your memory.

-Where is it?

-Where's what, sir?

-I sent you to get the memory worm.

-Did you?

When?

Who's he? What are we doing here?

Look - it's been snowing!

-You didn't use the gauntlets, did you?

-Why would I need the gauntlets?

Do you want me to get the memory worm?

Oh, my God! Second only to the musical.

-It's hard to choose, isn't it?

-Set that to music, right away!

Was your partner male or female, by the way?

-Female.

-Don't hesitate over that! You're really supposed to know.

Because I would give anything if that girl who wanted to kiss me,

she would come forward and kiss my friend to my right.

Hey! WHOOPING

Do you want to kiss him? Yes, she'll kiss you.

-Thank you, Dustin!

-Very nice...

Feel free...

In you come. Very nice!

Hello. Pleasure to meet you, I'm Matt.

How do we do this?

-I'll just...

-Oh, God.

My mum's watching! You do my cheek...

-Oh, cheeks(!)

-What, on the lips?!

No-one can see.

-Mistletoe!

-Oh, beautiful!

BILLY HOWLS

No, no. Billy...

We can't have her back, because people will think she's a slag.

She can't do the whole couch! And she's here with her husband!

I'll go for the husband!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, one and all.

It's been lovely talking to everyone tonight, but now it's time for some music.

Billy, it's a wee Scottish singer.

And one of our favourites on the show, fresh from her European tour,

performing Pride, please welcome Amy Macdonald!

# I never felt like this before

# Try to hold it back and I feel it even more

# Sweat drips down my spine and my knees are weak

# I cannot move, I cannot speak

# But then you came and I held it together again

# I managed to stumble through

# Fifty thousand voices singing in the rain

# There's nothing that I wouldn't do

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# I never knew how proud I would feel

# Just standing in the rain

# These three words mean everything to me

# And I'll sing them again and again

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Well, the blue and the white of the flag shines bright

# And it's blowing there for me

# With my hand on my heart The honest truth

# There's nowhere I'd rather be

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come over and see us, do.

Wow!

Look at those shoes. Amy Macdonald, everybody!

Look at you. Wow!

Perch on there, my dear. Greet everybody, greet-greet-greet.

Hello-ing, hello-ing, hello-ing, hello-ing.

-Amy.

-Nice to meet you.

Wow. Extraordinary.

Thank you so much for doing that and being so Christmassy and sparkly.

-I thought I'd make an effort.

-You did, a nice Christmas effort.

That is Pride,

the latest single off the album Life In A Beautiful Light,

which did really well.

Yeah. I've had a lot of support. Very happy with how it's went.

-You play my music a lot when you're on the radio.

-I do!

So I'm very happy about that.

We are one. We are one BBC.

Now, listen, before we go, we've got to have a story or two

in the red chair. Christmas red chair.

So who's up first?

-Hello.

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-Alan.

-All right, and where do you live?

I live in Colliers Wood in London.

-DUSTIN:

-Hollywood?

-Colliers Wood.

Close! "The mansions of Colliers Wood"...

There is a tour of the stars' homes of Colliers Wood(!)

Off you go, Alan.

My story is about how my girlfriend got her nickname.

Can I just say, I liked that little introduction, it was nice.

"My story is about..." Very good.

-So we were travelling about two years ago, and we were in Vietnam.

-Vietnam?

Yes, Ho Chi Minh City, and we got some food off of a stall,

cos we were cheap and trying to be cultural.

And we had a few drinks afterwards and went back to our hotel room.

-Sinead, my girlfriend, wasn't feeling too well.

-Mm-hm...

So I put her into bed and said, "Do you want to stay on the outside

"just in case you want to go to the bathroom or anything?"

She said, "No," and she curled up into a ball on the inside of the bed.

-And I'd obviously had a few drinks as well... BILLY:

-Can I do it?

..so I fell asleep in a naked starfish position.

Oh, shut the fuck up...

That was so dull! So dull.

-Shall we have one more?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

One more, here we go. OK.

-Hello, what's your name?

-Sam.

-And where do you live, Sam?

-West Hampstead.

West Hampstead! That is posh.

Off you go with your story, Sam.

Well, it wasn't too long ago, I decided it was a nice day to go for a run, so...

..so I set off on my run round Hyde Park and, er...

..and I'm halfway round my run and then decided to collapse. And, er,

very, very lucky to have collapsed right in front of someone,

and that person I believe is here tonight.

Is that the guy?!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Wow!

I can't flip him. He has a heart condition, we can't flip him.

-Do you want to come and say hi?

-I would love to.

-Run in and say hi.

-Thank you very much.

-Hurry, hurry, hurry.

No, don't run! Don't run. No.

Walk in a sensible way, don't run!

Here he is.

Well done, Sam. Hello, sir.

Nice to meet you, and there's your hero.

Hi, Dustin.

-Are the paramedics here?

-They are here somewhere.

Well done, everybody!

If you'd like to join us on the show, contact us via our website...

Thank you so much to my guests tonight -

Amy Macdonald,

Jennifer Saunders,

Billy Connolly,

Dustin Hoffman,

Matt Smith,

the runner Sam...!

We will see you on New Year's Eve with a host of special guests,

including the great Billy Crystal, Wolverine star Hugh Jackman,

and the one and only Mr Tom Cruise!

Have a very happy Christmas. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd