Episode 8 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight on the show, I've got the star of the new Hobbit film,

so I'd better get on. I'll just put my magic ring on

to make myself invisible.

Oh, excuse me, sorry, ow!

Sorry, no, could you...? Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, stupid ring! Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, everybody!

Good evening. Good evening, good evening.

Hello! Welcome, all.

Oh, quel show we've got for you tonight.

Bilbo the hobbit himself, Martin Freeman is on the show!

CHEERING

Yes!

My favourite comedian, Dawn French, is on the show!

CHEERING

My other favourite comedian...oops! Lee Mack is here!

CHEERING

And...adding even more glamour than a hobbit and Lee Mack,

we've got music and chat with the fabulous Girls Aloud.

CHEERING

HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

So, this is it, ladies and gentlemen.

It is official, Hobbit mania is sweeping the nation.

The new film is out now, Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

At the premiere this week in London,

one Hobbit fan took the opportunity to surprise his girlfriend.

Aww!

AUDIENCE SIGH

Isn't that amazing?

A Hobbit fan with a girlfriend(!)

LAUGHTER

All your favourite characters are in the film, including Gollum.

He's back.

It looks like they've disturbed him on the toilet, doesn't it?

LAUGHTER

-IMITATING GOLLUM:

-"Oh, its precious ring is on fire!"

LAUGHTER

"Leave it a minute."

Apparently, Prince Charles is a big fan of Tolkien.

Yeah, he even went to visit the set. Here he is meeting Gloin the dwarf.

LAUGHTER

Look at those funny ears!

LAUGHTER

No, look at them. There's lots of them.

A lot of people are saying that Martin was born to play Bilbo,

but that's been said about other characters in The Hobbit.

I mean, here's Bifur the dwarf...

and I think we all know who was born to play him.

LAUGHTER

Oh, come on, that's uncanny!

So excited to have Girls Aloud on the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know! Now...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Apparently, I'm not the only one.

The band have been celebrating their 10th anniversary.

-CHEERS

-I know! Ten years.

Makes you think, "What was I doing ten years ago?"

LAUGHTER

Happy days!

LAUGHTER

Girls Aloud had a massive party.

They even met up again with their old Popstars rivals, One True Voice.

Yeah, they did.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And what a weekend it was! Especially for Kimberley.

Oh, here she is on Friday evening...

Saturday evening...

and Sunday morning.

LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on!

Later, we'll have music and chat from Girls Aloud...

CHEERING

..but first, it's Lee Mack!

-Hello, sir.

-Sit yourself down.

Time for a bit of French kissing, it's Dawn French!

CHEERING

Oh, the show business of it all!

-You look gorgeous.

-Thank you.

Have a seat, too.

APPLAUSE

And I can hear the pitter patter of big, hairy feet.

It's Martin Freeman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, sir.

-Hi. Have a seat.

APPLAUSE

Hello, all.

Now, listen, if you are Christmas shopping,

all your needs are on this sofa.

We've got the big Christmas movie, The Hobbit,

-we've got a beautiful novel, haven't we?

-Yes, we have.

If fiction's not your thing, we've got an autobiography down the end.

-Yes.

-It's all there.

-Have you got an autobiography?

-I have, yeah.

-Oh, fair play.

I'm here shamelessly plugging it. LAUGHTER

-Is it out already?

-Have you got a film out?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell me about this film. What it's called?

It's a documentary about Middle Earth.

We won't be needing you, Graham! LAUGHTER

But here he is, you know, THE Hobbit,

the star of the biggest movie of the year, and yet -

this is inspiring for actors watching -

you HAVE done panto.

Yeah. Yes, I have.

I've done a kind of panto, many years ago at the Lyric Hammersmith.

What do you mean, "a kind of panto?"

Well, it was with a company called Improbable Theatre.

I mean, it was a sort of an unscripted panto,

based on Angela Carter's Cinderella, and I was Buttons.

-OK.

-Yeah.

That sounds awful.

LAUGHTER

It really wasn't. It was really good.

Unscripted panto, it's just like...

Let's face it, scripted pantos are awful.

LAUGHTER

Because you did the ITV one, didn't you?

I did, so it was a one-night thing.

But I actually fractured my ribs.

I played Idle Jack, and I had to fall over in the shot,

and there was a big stack of toilet paper in the shot

and the idea was that I fall on it. And like an idiot, I thought,

"If I fall completely flat, that'll cushion the fall, won't it,

-"toilet paper?"

-Eek.

But it was cheap stuff. It wasn't like your thick, quilted stuff.

It was your home brand stuff.

LAUGHTER

The word "Lidl" gave it away.

I went straight down, squashed them, fractured my ribs.

And it's actually shown every year on ITV2 or something.

And you see me getting up and going, "Oh, God..."

I had to try to carry on for the rest of the panto.

There is nothing worse than being in immense pain

-in front of an audience.

-No.

You should see what I'm going through now.

LAUGHTER

-Now, Dawn, you're a big fan of the panto.

-Yes.

Was it Croydon you went...?

Yes, we went to see a friend of ours, Gareth Snook, in a pantomime.

I think he was playing Buttons...

and we went along to see it and there was a kind of big moment

when Buttons decided to do a joke with the whole of the audience,

and asked us all to look at our programmes

and there was a lucky number on the back of the programme,

and the lucky person who had the number would win a troll.

And it was a big, giant troll like that.

I've never won anything in my life,

-and I really, really wanted that troll. Badly.

-Yes.

And we all had to look at the back of our programmes and he said,

"And the number is... The number is...

"number 13." I had number 13, I couldn't believe it.

So, I was up, out of my chair, Jennifer was tugging at me,

trying to get me to sit down,

I was out of my chair, running, running down to the front,

I knew that troll was going to be mine...

only to discover, when I got to the front of the stage,

trying to grab at the troll, that everybody had number 13.

LAUGHTER

That was, in fact, the joke.

But my greed had precluded me from seeing that.

Getting to the stage just took about two minutes,

but getting back to my seat took about 13 years.

LAUGHTER

-Were you the only one who was actually up and running?

-Only one.

And there were...

You know, there were a few busloads of people in the front rows

who've come from the "We don't know how to think very well" place...

LAUGHTER

They got it. I didn't get it. They got it.

-They got it?

-Yeah.

I hear you.

Speaking of trolls... Nice link, nice link! Thanks for that.

You're getting us right back on track.

I thought you'd say, "Talking of trolls,

"we've got a prize tonight if you got the lucky number..."

Martin Freeman, who knew this day would come?

It must be amazing, because you've been filming The Hobbit for so long.

Did you lose sight of the fact

that it was ever going to be a film in cinemas?

You kind of do, in a...what I think is quite a helpful way, actually,

because it kind of decreases the...pressure

and that kind of expectation.

About once a month, Jimmy Nesbitt would look at me and say,

"Martin, you are The Hobbit,"

to sort of remind me that this was actually going to be a film,

because it would sort of dawn on you sometimes

that we were making this...these three incredibly huge films.

When he said, "You are The Hobbit," were you dressed as a giraffe?

LAUGHTER

-"Martin, you are the HOBBIT."

-Go back and get dressed.

Go back and get the right bloody costume.

LAUGHTER

No-one is walking out of the cinema, thinking,

"I wish I had more film for my money."

-It's epic! It really is epic. And two more to come.

-Yes.

Pete likes an epic film.

When you signed on, though,

-did you sign on for one movie or two movies?

-Two.

And then at what point did someone say,

"Oh, by the way, we're making another movie"?

On the day of the wrap party, they told us.

For those of you who don't know, the wrap party is the party

when you finish principal photography.

So, we thought, "OK, we're going home, and that's the end,"

and they said, "Look, we're going to make three films."

I mean, we are going to be coming back next year anyway

for pick-ups, for pick-up shots...

Yeah, not just pick-ups.

LAUGHTER

You know these people ARE human beings...

LAUGHTER

They weren't in the front row for a panto.

Graham mentioned the cinema earlier.

Cinema is like television, but it's, like, massive!

LAUGHTER

And you can eat popcorn, it's very nice. You'll have a lovely time.

Oh, I know. But yes, and they said, "We're going to make three films,

"because we have, you know, an amazing amount of

"footage and material that we would have to squeeze into two.

"We want to tell this story properly, so..."

I kind of think, "If you really think this is what's needed,

"then I'm OK with that."

I suppose when you see the script

and you realise that it only goes up to page 33 of the actual book,

that's a clue that there are more to come.

We should have realised, yeah.

Because I thought,

"It's weird that it ends just with Bilbo leaving Bag End..."

LAUGHTER

I thought Gollum was in it.

And you've... How many premieres have you done now?

Four...four. Yeah. So, London last night...

If any of you are wondering, four is just one more than three.

LAUGHTER

I won't do any more of that, Martin, I promise.

No, I quite enjoy it, actually. I do quite like it,

but it also hurts me.

It means he's in pain...

Shut up!

Four. We did Wellington...

He knows what four is as well, you don't have to put the numbers up.

LAUGHTER

We did Wellington...

Tokyo, New York and London. And today, it's open.

Listen, we've got a clip,

and I think this is around your first day of filming...

-Yes...

-This is you and Gollum...

Yeah, well, this is the first thing we shot.

And...because you know you're going to be working with this character

-for so long...

-Yeah...

How do you pitch it, knowing, whatever I do today,

I'm going to be doing this in two years?

Well, that's a good question. You are finding...

-Well done.

-Thank you.

LAUGHTER

It's only taken four years.

You don't do a Geordie accent, that's what I'd say.

Yes, I decided, "Shall I go with the Senegalese...?"

No, yeah, you kind of find your way.

You know, we were shooting this scene

for probably about ten working days, I suppose,

and it's about a ten-minute scene, and Andy Serkis and I

did it over and over again in one take.

We shot it like a play, we shot it like a theatre piece...

And in that time, if you've got Gollum kind of coming at you,

you have to react and you have to just go with the moment.

OK, well, this is Martin Freeman playing Bilbo Baggins,

meeting Gollum for the first time.

What is it, Precious?

What is it?

My name...

is Bilbo Baggins.

Bagginses?

What is a Bagginses, Precious?

I'm a...

hobbit from the Shire.

Oh!

We like goblinses, batses and fishes,

but we hasn't tried hobbitses before!

Is it soft? Is it juicy?

Now, now...

Keep your distance. I will use this if I have to.

HE SCREAMS

I don't want any trouble, do you understand?

Just show me the way to get out of here, and I'll be on my way.

Why? Is it lost?

Yes, yes, and I want to get unlost as soon as possible.

Oh, we knows. We knows safe paths for hobbitses,

safe paths in the dark.

Shut up!

-I didn't say anything.

-We wasn't talking to you.

APPLAUSE

I was surprised how long it took you to get ready,

because you look like yourself.

-You know, a lot of the dwarves...

-What are you saying?

Well, no, the dwarves...

-We've had this before...

-A lot of the dwarves are very...

Massive feet.

But that takes a long time?

The dwarves, yes, some of the dwarves took about three hours,

because they have a big head prosthetic...

You know, they have a massive helmet...

LAUGHTER

Don't explain that. Don't.

They have a big prosthetic helmet, big yak hair, beards,

you know, noses, the lot.

And they also have massive fat suits where they put everything on...

-So, you got away lightly?

-I got away pretty lightly, yeah, I did.

-I was an hour and a quarter in make-up.

-Wow.

-Because Dawn knows how you feel...

-Yes.

-Because you've been there, haven't you?

-I have.

-Yes.

I have been a hobbit in my time.

Dawn... We have a picture of Dawn as a hobbit. There she is.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, that's with Jennifer!

-Looking good.

-Yeah, looking very good.

Now, in terms of the scale of everything...

So...are hobbits a bit bigger than dwarves...?

No, I mean, actually, they're roughly the same size.

Hobbits are basically three foot six, three foot seven, roughly.

And, I mean...the dwarves, some of them are...

some of them are a fair bit taller than me,

some of them are kind of my sort of size.

So, as two species, they're not really that much different in size.

And then, Ian McKellen, is he bigger than a person?

He's kind of man-sized. Yeah, he's kind of human size.

-But then elves are taller?

-Elves are even taller, yeah.

And it is seamless when you watch the movie...

Yeah, it's very consistent.

You really forget that you and the dwarfs are all regular folk.

You do.

And it really comes home to you, because, of course,

when you are surrounded just by each other all the time,

you forget that your characters are meant to be really small,

and so, when we come...

it will be in film two, in Laketown, the world of men...

Hello.

LAUGHTER

-You know, where you go most weekends.

-Tuesday nights.

Is that like my version of DFS?

LAUGHTER

"Come to the world of men. Sale now on."

GRAHAM GIGGLES

Yeah, suddenly, all our scale doubles come out to play...

So, all of us have a smaller person playing us, and so,

you suddenly realise that next to regular sized people,

we are really small.

In the sequences, you know, the dinners and stuff,

-where different sized people are all together...

-Yes.

-They were filmed at the same time?

-But in different sets, yeah.

So, exactly the same time. We would be in this set...

We'd be in normal Bag End set.

-You know, my house is called Bag End...

-Your house is so nice.

-It's beautiful.

-You could live in that house, couldn't you?

Peter Jackson has it in his holiday home. I kid you not.

He has the original one from Lord Of The Rings

taken down, rebuilt to the last detail, in his holiday home,

-so guests stay in Bag End.

-It looks lovely. Anyway, go on.

Did you ever find a Teletubby in the back corner,

-in your living room?

-No.

Because they live in similar little hillocks.

-They do, actually, that's true.

-Smoking a cigarette out the back.

Really pissed off.

No, so, we're there, and McKellen is over there

in a smaller green-screen studio and he's got, you know,

rows and rows of lighting up tennis balls

with our character faces on them.

We've all got earpieces in.

So, we're speaking, we're imagining looking at McKellen like that,

he's imagining looking at us down there...

We can only hear all this stuff via an earpiece,

and they're filmed by what's called slave motion cameras.

So, there's two cameras doing exactly the same moves

all the way through.

You are able to then render it immediately,

so that you cross them over and,

even before you've buggered about with it,

it looks like he's in the room with us and he's three feet taller.

-It's incredible.

-It sounds very complicated, but actually,

we have some of the technology to demonstrate.

So, Dawn, if I give you...

-your book.

-Oh, yes.

-You could use this as a promotional opportunity.

-Ah!

If you go round the back, we've got a blue screen bit round the back.

-Do I go that way?

-Yes. Take this and follow Nick.

You need to move down a bit.

-Right.

-Do I move down?

-No, you stay there.

This will take your breath away, ladies and gentlemen.

You will remember where you were when...

-Oh, a bit further down, Lee.

-Further this way?

-Yeah.

Are you worried that I'm going to get off with a hologram of Dawn?

LAUGHTER

So, we can see Dawn in her blue screen bit.

There's Dawn with her book. Lovely. Looking nice.

And now, we'll put Dawn onto the sofa.

Wow!

LAUGHTER

-Love it!

-That's incredible!

Graham, look, I'm taller than somebody for a change!

I've never been tall in my life!

Wow!

What's happened to Dawn?

LAUGHTER

I said, "Don't have the pasties!

Aww, Martin!

-Dawn, what are you holding there?

-I'm holding my book...

LAUGHTER

-Gosh, Martin...

-Would you like a copy, Martin?

I'd love a copy, please.

Why don't you reach for it, Martin? Reach up!

There we go! Oh, yeah!

APPLAUSE

Oh, beautiful. Thanks, Dawn.

You're welcome, you're so welcome.

-That incredible.

-Isn't it?

There we go. We'll get Dawn back.

I'm going to put that down, for undue prominence.

How funny would it be if she came back and she was still that big?

LAUGHTER In some freak television accident...

Oh, here she comes, the clever, beautiful Dawn.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Back to normal size.

-You are.

-Lovely.

-Can I get closer to Dawn?

-Yes, you can.

-Hello, hello.

-Hello.

-Hello. Hello, hello.

You've basically recreated

what it took us years and millions of pounds to do. Thanks.

It looks better in the film, but that did look quite good. It did.

-Beautifully done, Dawn.

-Thank you.

-Well acted.

-Thank you so much.

But, acting be gone, Dawn has caught the writing bug, haven't you?

-I have, seriously.

-This is your second novel?

-Yes, it is.

-And was this easier, do you think, than the first?

-No, harder, I think.

Harder, because I didn't know, really,

what was required of me in the first novel.

You know, I'm a baby writer, I don't really know how to do this,

I just knew that I wanted to tell a story.

In the first one, I knew the kind of story that I wanted to tell,

but this one has got to be better than that one.

But the first one went incredibly well and sold like hot cakes.

This one, Oh, Dear Silvia...

It sounds like I'm describing...

You know, every Harry Potter film, people are going,

-"Oh, it's darker than the last film..."

-Yes.

-But this is darker than the last book.

-Yes. Yes, it is.

Well, it's not entirely dark. There are comedy characters in it,

but the premise is quite dark,

in as much as the person at the centre of the book is in a coma.

Ha ha ha!

LAUGHTER

There's a kind of mystery at the centre of it, a secret,

a very big secret.

And so, I've decided that all the characters

would come into the room and they would tell their stories to her.

So, we find out all about who she is

via all the different people in her family

and her friends that come in.

So, you kind of fill it in a bit like a jigsaw puzzle

and hopefully, if I've done it right, you're thinking,

"Oh, if only the daughter knew that," and,

"Oh, no, she shouldn't have done that, if she knew that..."

and everything is revealed as it kind of goes on.

-As you say, there are funny bits. The sister is funny...

-Yeah, yeah.

She's got a crazy sister who's into alternative medicines

and any kind of therapies to wake her up.

She feels like it's her duty to wake her up,

so she brings in animals and does an animal therapy session in there

with a Chihuahua and a stick insect, and she...

You know, she brings in a stripper and she thinks that, surely,

that would wake her up at the pertinent moment.

So, inside a coma suite in a hospital, there is a stripper.

I shouldn't have said that, cos you only find that out in the book...

But I can't help it, you're all my best friends.

LAUGHTER

I imagined you down in Cornwall, sort of lady novelist,

maybe some friends over for lunch or cream tea

and then half an hour of writing, you know, before bed.

But no, it's a full day...

I do kind of office hours. I do.

I have a walk with my dog in the morning and then I settle down to it

and I do it all the way through till lunchtime,

then I watch rubbish TV at lunchtime

and then I work through until about six or seven in the evening.

-Wow!

-But honestly, it's not a chore, because I absolutely love it.

Lee, when you were writing the autobiography,

were you very disciplined? Or did you sort of do it on the run?

I just... No, I was very disciplined,

-because I foolishly thought I could write it in eight weeks.

-Ah.

I said to Rob Brydon, "I've been asked to do my autobiography.

"I'm going to do it in eight weeks."

-And he laughed like I was an idiot.

-Yeah.

And I said to someone the other day, "It takes longer than you think."

And they went, "No, it takes longer than YOU think. We all know."

"We all know how long it takes. You're the idiot."

-Did you do it in eight weeks?

-No.

-Oh, no.

-I finished it about eight or nine months later.

-Yeah.

The problem is, I couldn't finish it, because every time you finish it,

you're a day more of your life, so I would write about that day,

and then the next day happened and every day I was thinking,

"Maybe this is the day I drop dead,"

and I won't have to write this any more.

You can't end the thing, can you?

-I've got it, in fact.

-Oh, have you got it?

Do you want me to go next door and hand it down in giant size?

Look, in a regular size. But the cover arrived before the book...?

Yeah, they send the cover and ask you if you're happy with it.

I wanted to see what it would look like on a book,

but the book hadn't been printed,

so I put it on a book that I had at home,

and the only one that fitted was the Hannibal Lecter book.

LAUGHTER

And then I forgot to take it off, so it's been sitting on my shelf,

and I always think the babysitters and stuff

have been having a look round and are looking through, going,

"He's had a life, this one."

LAUGHTER "Good God!"

-"Mum, pick me up."

-"I'm frightened!"

"He said he's going to drive me home. I don't want to be driven home.

"He ate the last babysitter's face."

LAUGHTER

-Hate that.

-So, Mack: The Life.

Now, there are some bits of your life that I was expecting.

You know, being a funny kid, the early jobs, all of that...

-But the sex change, that shocked you, right?

-I know!

But also, your obsession with the Queen,

that you seem to have lived most of your life wanting to meet the Queen.

Well, when I was quite young, I saw the Royal Variety Show

and the comedian that was on had met the Queen,

so I assumed that that meant that you must be really funny

to meet the Queen.

She says, "He's funny enough to meet me,"

-I thought that was how it worked.

-Command you to be funny.

Yes, in the Royal Command Performance.

They literally command you.

So, I had it in the back of my head that I should meet the Queen one day,

and then I can say that I've finally made it as a comedian.

But I got to do the Royal Variety Show three times,

and it was never...never the Queen.

It was always Charles.

-Charles. You know, I like Charles...

-Yeah.

-But, on the third visit...

It didn't help, though, because I was very drunk on one of them and,

if you go on near the beginning,

you've got, like, three hours before the line-up,

so I got really drunk and Camilla came up and said,

"How come you gentlemen are so funny?"

And because I was drunk, I went, "We're on drugs!"

LAUGHTER

You could see that look in her eye. I was like a little kid

who'd just farted in front of their auntie to show off.

She was like, "You idiot."

You did get to meet her, though.

Finally, this year.

It genuinely was true that at the end of the...

I was trying to think of a way of ending the book

and I'd mentioned wanting to meet the Queen in the book and,

literally as I was trying to finish it, I got a phone call

to ask if I could host the Jubilee concert this year and I thought,

"This will be great, I get to meet the Queen."

And there was so much pressure...

We were all nervous about doing the gig,

but I was more nervous about ending my book,

so I had to meet the Queen, and I had to get the photo.

And so, she came, and they chucked out everybody that wasn't...

It was such a small room,

so the person who was going to take the photo couldn't take it.

She said, "I'm being thrown out, it's just you lot who were in the show,"

so she hands on the camera and I see Alfie Boe, the opera singer,

and I go, "Alfie, mate, don't mess this up.

"There's the camera. You've got to get this shot."

I think, if you have a look at the shot,

it's not exactly what you'd call...

LAUGHTER

-Everyone's in it!

-Everyone's in it.

I'll tell you what...

-I recognise that bloke!

-Do you recognise the bloke?

-I recognise him.

I was going to change the whole story.

I didn't want to meet the Queen,

I always wanted to meet Kylie Minogue and Lenny Henry...

I thought, "Then it might work."

Bless him. I didn't give him much warning.

I said, "Press that button and hope for the best," and he did.

And did she talk to you at all, or you just met her?

She was great, actually. She did this thing with Gary Barlow and Kylie...

It was their job to show her around everybody

and I think Kylie didn't know who I was, and panicked,

and just backed off, because she didn't want to introduce me...

And so, the Queen was left stranded on her own,

making polite conversation, and I saw the Queen looking around,

"Usually, I'm dragged away at this point,

"but no-one is coming to get me."

So, I said, "Are you staying at the Premier Inn with Lenny?"

And she said, "No..."

LAUGHTER

-And you met William as well, didn't you?

-I met William, yeah.

That was interesting, because he was really nice.

He came up and he said...

You get to go to the Palace afterwards,

and his opening line to me was, "You need to get some new jokes."

LAUGHTER

And I went, "Listen, I don't tell you how to be the future King."

And he laughed and went, "I'm only joking.

"I'm a big fan of Not Going Out," my sitcom, and I was so excited

and I was just about to talk to him

and then Cheryl Cole started talking to him

and he was far more interested in her and I had to wander off.

If I ever see that woman... Oh, she's coming on, isn't she?

LAUGHTER

Because, Martin, you met Prince William this week.

-I met him last night.

-Yes!

-He was very nice.

-Two nights ago.

I met him two nights ago!

LAUGHTER

Oh, look at you! You've got Brylcreem in your hair or something!

It looks like you've done that thing you did with Dawn, that's incredible.

LAUGHTER

And that's my Amanda behind me. Look, that's Amanda.

-Was that pre or post?

-That was pre.

-OK.

What, pre-op?

-Pre seeing the film.

-No, that was pre.

It was cool, it was good. I realised that...

Because I think a lot of people, myself included,

have that thing of...you know, Are you going to bow?

-Are you going to do that thing?

-Did he?

LAUGHTER

No, he didn't. He kind of raised himself up.

Not in a sexual way...

LAUGHTER

But... You have that slight thing of thinking,

"Well, I'm not strictly a monarchist," you know,

"but I wouldn't hurt anyone..."

LAUGHTER

Was this your opening line to him? "Oh, I wouldn't hurt you."

I'm a bit annoyed about what you do and what your ancestors have done...

I'm just not sure that we should be paying for you, but...

but he's a nice guy.

You wouldn't be rude, you're well brought up.

-Did you bow in the end?

-I curtsied.

LAUGHTER

-I've met a monarch. I've met one.

-Have you?

-Yeah, I met the Queen Mother when I was four.

-Aww!

-Yeah. Oh, God, yeah.

-Oh, yeah?

-She, like, so came to our house for tea.

-No, she didn't!

-I saw that.

-She, like, so did.

Wait a minute. Why did she come to your house?

I think it was that she was visiting the RAF station where we were.

My dad was in the RAF.

She'd been to the posh end, the officers end,

and I think we were judged to be a safe, sort of oiky family

that she could come and see.

And my mum got new teacups and everything, I got new shoes...

-I has to curtseying for weeks. Weeks!

-Was it very exciting?

But it was the Queen Mother, obviously.

I was a bit upset that she didn't have a crown, no unicorns...

LAUGHTER

And also, I don't know what was going on at that time,

but she came up the path, and she smiled, and she had brown teeth.

-Yeah.

-So I thought she was a witch...

LAUGHTER

..and I didn't want her in my house at all.

And I just hid, onto my dad's leg.

Just grabbed onto my dad's leg and didn't move.

But what I think is nice about people seeing you guys on the couch

is that everyone, no matter where you end up, you do start somewhere.

-Dawn, you worked in the hotel business.

-Yeah, I was a chambermaid.

I used to be a chambermaid in the holidays in Salcombe in Devon.

Yeah, I loved it. I loved the mischief of it, actually.

I loved the chambermaid's rule

that you knock and enter straight away.

"Chambermaid!", in.

LAUGHTER

Oh, you catch people doing all sorts of things.

Once, I went into a room, "Chambermaid!" Enter.

And a man was doing press-ups behind the sofa

and I had a long chat with him about the day, the weather,

blah blah blah,

and then I realised he wasn't actually doing press-ups at all.

There was somebody else there.

LAUGHTER

And I can state clearly here,

I have not ever cleaned someone's toilet with their toothbrush.

No, I have not.

I have not ever taken a picture of my own arse with their camera.

No, I have not.

LAUGHTER

-When you were not cleaning a toilet with the toothbrush...

-Yeah.

When you were not doing that, why weren't you doing that?

Well, because there really wasn't a really awful man

who made passes at all of us all of the time.

So, I decided not to do that to him.

Why didn't you take a picture of your arse?

For the same sort of reason?

No, that was just sheer fun.

You know, when you had to send your pictures off

and get them back from Boots?

And the people are well gone by then, come on!

Good fun, and they'll never know whose arse.... Till now.

LAUGHTER

Right, everyone, shall we have some music?

CHEERING

Oh, yeah.

My final guests tonight are the best-selling British girl group

of the century.

Performing their classic hit Love Machine, it is Girls Aloud!

CHEERING

Oh, let's go!

# Ladies, you're damn right

# You can't read that man's mind

# We're living in two tribes

# And heading for war

# But nobody's perfect

# We all gotta work it

# But fellas, we're worth it

# So don't break the law

# Your call's late, big mistake

# You've gotta hang about in limbo for as long as I take

# Next time, read my mind

# And I'll be good to you

# We're gift-wrapped kitty cats

# We're only turning into tigers when we gotta fight back

# Let's go, Eskimo

# Out into the blue

# Come take my hand, understand that you can

# You're my man and I need you tonight

# Come make my dreams

# Honey, hard as it seems

# Loving me is as easy as pie

# I'm just a love machine

# Feeding my fantasy

# Give me a kiss or three

# And I'm fine

# I need a squeeze a day

# Instead of this negligee

# What will the neighbours say

# This time?

# I've been going crazy while you sleep

# I've been searching for a language that the two of us can speak

# So Mr Prehistoric, make your wheel

# And I'll breathe underwater cos I like the way it feels

# Your call's late, what a big mistake

# You better hang about in limbo for as long as I take

# Next time, read my mind

# And I'll be good to you

# We're gift-wrapped kitty cats

# We're only turning into tigers when we gotta fight back

# Let's go, Eskimo

# Out into the blue

# Come take my hand, understand that you can

# You're my man and I need you tonight

# Come make my dreams

# Honey, hard as it seems

# Loving me is as easy as pie... #

CHEERING

Are you ready, girls?

# I'm just a love machine

# Feeding my fantasy

# Give me a kiss or three

# And I'm fine

# I need a squeeze a day

# Instead of this negligee

# What will the neighbours say

# This time?

# Oh, it's very new

# Can anybody tell me what to do?

# Oh, this feeling's very strange

# Can anybody tell me what's your game, game, game?

# Oh, a little education

# Oh, to give you motivation

# Oh, we'll turn the situation

# Round

# Oh, cos I don't want to change you

# Oh, making you a stranger

# Oh, I'll only rearrange you

# For now

# I'm just a love machine

# Oh, to give you motivation

# I'm just a love machine

# Oh, oh

# I'm just a love machine

# Oh, to give you motivation

# I'm just a love machine

# Oh, oh

# I'm just a love machine. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Girls Aloud, everybody! Come and join me, ladies.

Pile on in.

You all right there? Let me help you up. There you go. Hello.

Hello, in you go.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. In you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You pile down. You're in here, you're in here.

OK. OK, so you come down there.

There, there, there. Room.

Sorry you're in economy. Sorry about that

They're flying steerage.

I love that song, and I loved that performance!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, it was full-on, it was great.

And that, of course, is on the album Girls Aloud Ten,

Greatest Hits plus four new tracks, in shops now.

-Yes.

-Yes, it is!

So, it is unbelievable.

Ten years have passed since we first saw you.

Where have the ten years gone, seriously?

When you find out, let me know.

-Three years since you did anything together...

-Yes.

So, who made this happen? Who picked up the phone? Who spoke first?

-To be honest...

-It was one of those things. We always knew...

I mean, it's ten years. We started ten years ago...

I always forget what you sound like, Nadine, it's fabulous.

LAUGHTER

Graham, just remind yourself,

it's a Derry accent you're looking for.

-CHEERING

-I know!

I was watching America's Next Top Model and you were in it.

-Subtitles throughout.

-Could you believe it?!

-LAUGHTER

-I've never...

Back to the ten years, Graham.

So, three years away, somebody must have said something to somebody.

It was a natural thing, because ten years...

I mean, three years was too long to take off.

Can we have subtitles again?

LAUGHTER

I needed subtitles for the pair of them we first met. Seriously.

I've been saying that for years.

So, it was always going to happen?

Yes, we knew we were going to get back together.

We always knew we were taking a break.

It just went on a little bit longer than we thought.

And then it was ten years. It feels like a natural...a celebratory time.

You know, a decade in music, so it just feels like a natural time.

-I suppose... Are you the only one who has written a book, Cheryl?

-Yes.

LEE: No, I've written a book as well.

LAUGHTER

Her book... Her book's massive!

LAUGHTER

-And did everyone read Cheryl's book?

-No.

LAUGHTER

Not one of them, not one of them.

-We are definitely going to.

-Don't.

-If you want this to happen, don't.

-They don't need to, they were there.

The past ten years of it, at least.

I know, but I still want to read it. LAUGHTER

-Really want to read it, yeah.

-I haven't had time to read it.

Whatever. This one hasn't had time, she's been too busy cha-cha-cha-ing.

Now, you're all friends. Are you all voting for Kimberley?

ALL: Yes. Of course.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They've been so amazing. They've been so encouraging.

When I'm getting tired, they're like,

"Uh-uh-uh, get back to the studio and get cha-cha-cha-ing..."

Well, let's have a look at you in action.

I mean, that was your forte, wasn't it?

-Four tens.

-I know, that was amazing.

-That is amazing.

And it seems crazy that you're promoting this album and...

Did you book this in first?

It has turned into a bit of a crazy time,

but everything that I'm doing is so amazing

that it just keeps me going.

We literally, last week, were rehearsing for a gig

we did at the weekend.

We haven't done anything...

like, five songs in a row, for three years.

She was taking ten minutes and going and dancing with Pasha

-in a different studio.

-Wow.

-It's crazy.

And she's doing her own record.

-It is a busy time.

-So, this one's on it at the moment.

So, let's talk about next year.

So, there's a tour that, rather handily for you,

starts in Newcastle in February.

Oh, we love being in Newcastle, it's such a good crowd.

And then it finishes in Liverpool. Handy for you, Nicola, that's great.

It's going to be a full-on party from start to end.

Cheap cab home. That'll be nice, lovely.

LAUGHTER

-Cheryl's busy doing X Factor again...

-Yeah.

CHEERING

-Are you really doing it again?

-No.

LAUGHTER

Damn, I thought we had a scoop! I thought, "That was really easy."

You know what, as well?

It's a good job somebody mentioned that today to me,

because I get caught out.

I never read half the crap that's written,

so when I hear things, sometimes I'm like, "What?"

No, I'm definitely not doing UK X Factor next year.

-Definitely not?

-Definitely not.

Till you see her doing it...

LAUGHTER

Now, we're very excited you're back and, of course,

all of your fans are very excited.

CHEERING

Actually, I wonder if the girl in these pictures...

I love... These pictures were in the paper during the week.

I wonder if she's here. This girl...

-Oh, no.

-Do you know her? She looks like Cherie Blair.

LAUGHTER

So, there she is. Now, you think she's excited there.

Wait until you see her in the next one.

LAUGHTER

Let's see the next one.

LAUGHTER

-And she's thrilled to see you, Cheryl.

-I don't know...

I can't figure out whether it's thrilled to see me or, like,

"Oh, my God! That's what she looks like in real life!"

But she's very excited. Even before you arrived, she is very excited.

Look at this one.

LAUGHTER

-You didn't notice her doing that in front of you?

-Not at all.

-It looks like she wants to eat somebody.

-Is she here?

It'd be great if she was here, you cut to her, and she was just like...

"I'm like this all the time, you idiot."

"It's my natural expression."

Well, listen, good luck with the album, good luck with the tour,

and thank you so much for that performance.

CHEERING

Before I release my sofa stars into the night,

it's time for a story or two in the Big Red Chair.

So, who's up first? Oh, look at them, going, "Yes!"

Sorry, I was so excited.

-Hello.

-Hello!

-Wow.

It's like to dress-up Friday.

LAUGHTER

-What do you do?

-I'm an IT manager.

-OK, and what's your name?

-William.

-All right. Where are you from, William?

-Canada, Montreal.

Oh, he's from Montreal!

Wow! Just when you thought IT couldn't get any more boring,

he's Canadian. LAUGHTER

And do you live here now?

-Yes, I do. I live in Watford.

-Oh, excellent.

It can get more boring!

LAUGHTER

What a lovely location you've chosen.

All right, off you go with your story.

OK, I travelled across the country for work

and I ended up starting to date the lady

that lived below me in the flat,

and she asked if I could spend Christmas dinner

to meet her parents.

So, I sat down and there were four generations around this big...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ruthless! Ruthless!

Oh! I didn't know you had all that ink on your back!

-Didn't you?

-No!

-It's not finished, either.

-Oh, are you going to colour it in?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

-Colour by numbers.

-Oh, is it a map of Middle Earth?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

Right, one more, one more. OK.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hi.

-What's your name, sir?

-Tim.

-NADINE:

-I saw him earlier on.

You saw him earlier?

I saw him. I asked him to put my mic pack on. Was it you?

-Tim, did Nadine ask you to put her mic pack on?

-No.

LAUGHTER

You have a twin running around somewhere, Tim,

a twin running around here.

-A twin Tim?

-I think that's what she said.

LAUGHTER

I think you need to ask him,

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-"How are you?"

LAUGHTER

-Now, where you from, Tim?

-Dudley, West Midlands.

CHEERING

And what do you do in Dudley?

I was a dental nurse, but I'm now down this end

doing voluntary youth work at the Salvation Army.

Good for you. Very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tim, delight us with your tale.

Well, I went on holiday with my family in Devon

and I went to get some food.

I got some battered sausage and chips...

LAUGHTER

..and I went back to the caravan, I sat down...

LAUGHTER

..opened my battered sausage and chips

and then two old biddies, 80-year-olds,

come in and I thought, "I'm in the wrong caravan,"

but they were naked. They were full-on naked.

I ran back to my caravan with my battered sausage.

I didn't know what to do.

LAUGHTER

I said to my mum and dad that they were naked

and they didn't believe me.

They looked outside, saw them naked,

looked at the next caravan, they were naked...

We were at a nudist camp, and I didn't know what to do.

LAUGHTER

I have not looked at an old woman the same.

You can walk, Tim. Go on, you can walk.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So sweet!

Well done, everyone.

If you would like to have a go on that red chair, you can.

Just contact us via our website at this very address.

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my guests tonight, Girls Aloud...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-..Lee Mack...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-..Dawn French...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-..and Mr Martin Freeman.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week, with Dawn's other half,

Ab Fab Queen, Jennifer Saunders,

Hollywood star Dustin Hoffman,

legendary comedian Billy Connolly

and Doctor Who himself, Matt Smith.

I'll see you then. Goodbye, everybody, goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd