Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

There's an Olympic medallist on the show tonight, so we're doing our chat show warm-up exercises.

-Right, everybody, something funny...

-AUDIENCE: Ha, ha!

-Good. Something touching...

-AUDIENCE: Ahh!

-A mad Daniel Radcliffe fan...

-I love you, Daniel!

-Something exciting...

-CHEERING

Yay, excellent! Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

Oh! Oh!

Hello!

Hello! Hello, hello!

Welcome all, welcome all, a great line-up for you tonight.

As you may have guessed,

Olympic golden girl Jessica Ennis is here, ladies and gentlemen!

-CHEERING

-I know!

-The star of stage and screen, Daniel Radcliffe is here.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-The hilarious Ricky Gervais is on the show!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Plus we've got music and chat from the brilliant Bruno Mars, everybody!

CHEERING

So, looking forward to meeting Jessica Ennis,

hearing about her gold medal-winning exploits.

Jessica has such a rigorous training routine, yeah.

Now, there she is in a wheelie bin full of iced water. Oh, dear!

Although, you've got to be careful. Here she is, two minutes later...

LAUGHTER

"Oh, I forgot it's Thursday!"

Jessica's next big event is the 2014 Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

-There's Glasgow...

-LAUGHTER

Here's Jessica, finding out where it is...

LAUGHTER

"Nooo!"

During the Olympics, the papers covered all seven of her events,

focusing on the most important aspect of each one.

The 800 metres,

the high jump,

the shot put...

They really covered it, they really did.

Mind you, not the only famous arse of the Olympics.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Eh, eh! Yeah.

Look at him there, thinking to himself,

"As soon as the Paralympics are over,

"I'm cutting disability allowance."

Let's get some guests on!

Later on, we'll be having a musical chat with Bruno Mars!

But first, he's the genius behind An Idiot Abroad,

it's Ricky Gervais!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoa, whoa!

-Hello, sir. Welcome back.

-Thank you.

-Have a seat.

It's a personal best for me, I've got Jessica Ennis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, golden, golden! Hello, darling.

Thank you so much for coming on.

Mwah, mwah, sit yourself down.

And we're going to try to get through the whole show

without mentioning Harry Potter - oh, no -

it's Daniel Radcliffe, everybody!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey!

How are you? Good to see you.

-Oh! Hello, all.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hi, hi. You're all very welc...

Well, I say, Ricky, welcome back. Daniel, welcome back.

-Jessica, you haven't been on the show before.

-No.

-But you nearly did, and then you missed out.

-I was absolutely gutted.

It was before the Olympics, so I had to train and prepare...

Oh, that...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I hope it was worth it(!)

You were going to meet Will Smith, weren't you?

-Will Smith was on the show.

-Oh, I was so gutted.

-I was so excited and then I had to turn it down.

-And now she's got us.

-Yeah.

-Unlucky!

Showbiz tip, don't talk about people you prefer

in front of famous actors and comedians.

No, the Olympics was an amazing summer.

You guys, presumably, like everyone else, you watched?

-My favourite, ever. Really.

-Oh, Olympics?

-Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Oh, good. I'm glad you liked it.

Ricky, you do running and kick-boxing and all sorts now, don't you?

Well, I always did, I just, um... I just did it once a year, or...

LAUGHTER

-Now I do it every day.

-No, cos... It's the body beautiful, now.

-Well, hardly.

-No, there's been pictures...

It's all relative, you wouldn't be saying it if I'd always been, you know...

-There's pictures of you looking gorgeous.

-What you're saying is

-I used to be a horrendous, fat...

-CHEERING AND WHOOPING

No, OK, listen. Right.

No, I can explain that photo.

That was the day of the Golden Globes... I don't mean in my pants.

LAUGHTER

Come on...! Grow up.

No, that was the day of the Golden Globes and I'd been on Ellen,

you know, the big chat show in America, yeah, and she gave me

those gold lame pants and said, "Will you wear these?"

Now, I didn't want to wear them for the Golden Globes,

because they're uncomfortable. They're way too small for me.

Even if I say so myself.

I looked like an action man after I'd put them on.

And so I took a picture.

That's the Four Seasons in LA, I took a picture to send her.

And the thing is, after the Golden Globes,

me and my girlfriend went back to the hotel,

we had a bottle of champagne that they'd put up there,

"Well done, congratulations...",

and the next day, we flew to New York.

Now, those shorts were so small that when I took them off, they ripped.

So in the bin, that I left behind in the hotel,

was some ripped gold lame hot pants and an empty bottle of champagne.

LAUGHTER

What did that look like?!

And Daniel, you're not shy about showing us your body.

-No, I do it all the time now.

-Yes.

Every job I do, I seem to be getting naked.

-Yeah, you got naked with a horse, didn't you?

-I did, yeah.

Maybe you should explain that!

I've spent enough time explaining that!

No, yeah, I think, um, every film I've done this year, I've had to

get at least partially naked in.

It's weird, because it's one thing about strangers seeing you,

because then you're an actor, but when your FRIENDS see you...

-Yeah, but...

-Never mind friends - MUM?

No, but... I don't know, like,

I ran the lines for the show with my mum and dad, so they knew, like...

-Yeah, but you had your clothes on when you are doing that.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

"I can't do it properly, Mum, unless..."

"This is an undress rehearsal."

I don't know, it was... They knew what I was getting myself into,

-so I guess...

-Well, they've known it all their life, haven't they?

And do you stay in shape?

-Cos you look quite ripped in pictures of you.

-Um, that was...

WOMEN: Woo!

-Black and white, why didn't I do black and white?

-LAUGHTER

That's where you're going wrong. Low angle, too.

Um...but, er... Yeah, I mean, the first time I've been told to...

The film I've just done, Horns, was the first time I've been told to... RICKY SNIGGERS

..get in shape for something.

Can you tell them to grow up? LAUGHTER

Well, I wasn't expecting it.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, it's called Horns, and I...

-HE LAUGHS:

-Don't say it again!

I'm going to be saying it a lot when I'm promoting it.

They may have changed the name of it, by then.

We're doing some audience research right now.

-They've changed it to The Horn.

-Yeah.

And, yeah, so that was the first time a director has told me

to get in the gym and sort of... and be...

Anyway, we're talking about bodies,

and no-one could compete with Jessica Ennis.

-The body.

-CHEERING

I mean, look at that.

-So, if you did slip out of your gown now...

-LAUGHTER

..do you look like that now?

Um...maybe a little bit smoother round here. Only a little bit.

Maybe it's a four pack and not a six pack.

You just won a poll, didn't you, best celebrity body?

-Apparently, yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's mad.

But it's good, because it's sporting figure that out there now,

which is a nice kind of image to put out there, as opposed to

the really stick, skinny women that we see all the time, so it's good.

-Because originally...

-CHEERING

-Yeah.

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

It shows how things have changed,

because wasn't it one of the big stumbling blocks for you, personally,

going into athletics, was you didn't WANT to look like that.

Yeah, definitely.

When you're an athlete starting out, you know,

you're a young girl of 14, 15, and you're told to go in the gym

and you've got to lift weights and you've got to be stronger.

It's not what your friends are doing

and what you want to do at that age,

so it was a time when I was kind of, like, is this what I want to do,

and is it going to help me, is it the way I want to look?

But now, if it's the chance of winning an Olympic gold medal,

then it's something I definitely want to do.

And actually... Is that it?

-It is, yes.

-Oh, can we see the medal?

-Yes.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Oh! See, we're so excited. It's an Olympic medal!

Yeah... I nearly left it in the dressing room.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh! Yeah!

-Can I lift it? How heavy?

-It's heavy.

-Oh, that IS heavy.

-That's amazing.

I think you should say, they asked you to bring it,

-you don't carry that round with you all the time.

-Yeah!

Every cab you get in, "Oh, can I see the medal?"

Can I just say, that's just the same medal that everyone...?

I mean, GOLD medal that everyone...

-If you win something, you get a gold medal.

-Yeah, not everyone gets one!

-LAUGHTER

-If you take part!

-We're all winners!

No, I just kind of think, cos you did SEVEN events...

If you run 100 metres and win, you get that. You did seven events,

it took you two days. I think they should amalgamate them

and give you a big gold bin lid, or something.

-It should be bigger for seven events!

-Well, it's pretty big.

-I feel cheated on your behalf.

-Do you?

-Yeah, cheated.

You're one of the only people I've met

who is not impressed by a gold medal. LAUGHTER

"Everyone gets one of them,

"everyone, they hand them out when you walk through."

I squealed backstage, when I saw that. I made a noise, I went, "Argh!"

And I love that they give you a little case, and everything.

I know, and they tell you how to look after it,

what you should do to clean it.

I'll throw it to you! There you go! Well done!

New one?

Is there cleaning kit, and stuff?

No, no cleaning kit, just a guideline.

-You have to get the stuff yourself?

-Where's the guideline?

Do you want me to show you? It's really not interesting!

Tragically, I am interested.

We're all interested in the inside of this case.

"Use a nonabrasive surface..." What does it say?

"It has been designed

"and manufactured to the highest standards...

"Handle your medal with care." OK, here we go. Yeah, I was right -

"Avoid any sort of impact or ABRASION..."

LAUGHTER

"..always try to carry it in its box..." Hello?

LAUGHTER

"Only clean it using a soft, dry cloth,

"preferably cotton or soft muslin."

This is really specific, isn't it? Yeah.

"Do not use any liquids, chemicals or abrasive substances

"when cleaning it."

-Wow.

-Interesting stuff.

It sounds like there's not that much gold on it...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

Apparently, it's lead.

Nonabrasive surfaces!

Well, thank you very much for bringing that in. It's just...

-What an amazing thing to have.

-Thank you.

-Right, now, Daniel Radcliffe.

What I love about you, is you can't second-guess what you're going to do next.

-Thank you.

-Well, you leave the most financially successful film franchise of all time, and then,

you know, you could have done anything.

But you've done, you know, plays, musicals, you did a horror movie,

and now you're on TV but doing something really specific.

It is quite bizarre.

But it's excellent, it's Sky Arts 1, tell us what you're doing.

Um, it's a thing called A Young Doctor's Notebook.

It is very hard to describe.

Basically, it's a medical comedy set in Russia in 1917. It's based on...

LAUGHTER We all know those!

It's... My character...is...

Simply, in the script, is called "young doctor".

He arrives at this very remote hospital,

and he's kind of just dumped there and he has two cope with

an array of patients suffering from, you know, legs that need to be chopped off

and throats that need to be operated on,

and a syphilis epidemic...

None of it sounds funny. However... LAUGHTER

..it is, in fact...

-It's VERY funny.

-It's very funny and it's all seen through the eyes...

The book is very funny

and the way the show has kind of been set up is that you're seeing

myself and John Hamm play the same character at different stages of his life,

older and younger,

and he is sort of remembering his own life, and so I'm a figment,

sort of, his memory. And he's interacting with himself, which allows us

to have some quite funny interchanges as he watches his young self.

Cos that's the thing, it's really Russian.

Oh, yeah, it is, and the other thing that's worth saying, is it's extremely bloodied.

Like, there are no punches pulled on the leg amputation or the tracheotomies.

-Yes, the blood budget was used.

-Yes, that was, yeah...

But it was worth it.

And the syphilis thing, cos there's an awful lot...

Drip, drip, drip... I mean, it's...

It sounds just like Dad's Army.

It is classic... It is classic British comedy.

That's the thing, it kind of is!

You know the scene where you're telling a whole family they've got syphilis...

Yeah, it's one of my favourite scenes. I get to tell a mother

and two young children that they all have syphilis.

-How did they ALL get it?

-Well, it's, it's...

You don't just get it like that.

Oh.

LAUGHTER

-Are you a real doctor now, are you?

-It's infectious!

Woo!

He's qualified now!

He's not only a foot taller, but he's a qualified doctor!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got a clip from A Young Doctor's Notebook.

-This is your first labour.

-Delivering my first baby. Yeah.

I really might need to know this, one day.

WOMAN GROANS

Um, so, the midwife tells me travelled all the way from Dultsevo.

-Is that far?

-It's a small village, just outside Grabelovka.

-Grabelovka?

-It's not far from Kakhovka!

-WOMAN GROANING

Oh, yes! Where I get off the train. Of course.

Sorry, I'm new to the area. I don't know where anything is. WOMAN GROANS

No, no, geographically! Of course, I mean,

obviously I know a transverse lie when I see one,

and this is one - well done, Ella.

Um...

So, what we have here, as I've just explained, is a transverse lie,

which means we must perform...

-..a podalic version?

-A podalic version, yes, correct.

A procedure whereby the foetus is manually turned within the womb.

Well done, Pelagea. So, let's perform it. Looked lively.

-What are we waiting for?

-Feldsher, prepare the chloroform.

-Of course.

Yes, feldsher, you do the chloroform, and Anna, you do...that. WOMAN WHIMPERS

And, um, er, yes, you, you just wait there. And, um, I will... WOMAN GROANS

I will go and get my cigarettes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And A Young Doctor's Notebook is on Sky Arts 1 on Thursdays at 9pm.

But in terms of gore and stuff, because, Jessica, in athletics,

in one of your events, the javelin, that's an accident waiting...

you're throwing a spear in a populated area!

-It's dangerous.

-Have you ever hit anybody?

I'VE never hit anyone.

But there was...

there's a decathlete called Roman Sebrle,

and, yeah, someone was throwing,

and he was on the side of the track doing long jump,

and it went in his shoulder.

It went through him, yeah.

And, literally, he is just so hardcore, this man,

he just went, "Rrrah!" And ripped it out.

And he was fine!

-HE LAUGHS

-Absolutely fine!

-It was so true!

-"Get me Dr Radcliffe!"

LAUGHTER

Jessica Ennis, not content

with running, jumping, and throwing,

has now started typing!

You've done a book, Unbelievable.

And it IS unbelievable,

because the amount of sacrifice and training,

and then the level of achievement, is extraordinary.

But, I must say, there's no point where you think,

"Oh, I might do that." I mean, it just...

Do you feel that it's all been worth it?

Of course, yeah. It's just, this whole year has been...unbelievable!

No, it's been incredible, the whole journey.

And it's not just been this year,

it's been the past few years.

You know, having an injury in 2008,

and coming back from that to this position.

You know, I would never have imagined

that I would get this point.

Cos you talk about sacrifice and stuff,

but unless you're reading this,

you don't quite get the level of sacrifice.

That you're COMPLETELY focused.

It's kind of, if you need to eat, you need to eat.

If you need to sleep you need to sleep.

You travel, you're training,

and the other odd thing, I don't know if you know,

the drug testers can just show up at your house whenever they want.

Yeah, you have to...it's a good system we have in this country.

You have to provide an hour of every day

that you are going to be in one place.

So I have mine in the morning.

So it's six or seven in the morning,

because I know, pretty much, I'll always be in bed.

Also, the drugs will have worn off by then.

LAUGHTER

Laughing too hard, Jessica! Laughing too hard!

LAUGHTER

Oh, God! ANYWAY...

..and they can literally test you any time as well.

So they can turn up whenever they want.

But I guess my favourite bit in the book

is you talking about running the 800m,

and what you got from that crowd of 80,000 people.

It was, honestly, like nothing I've ever experienced before.

Stepping into the stadium for the first time for the hurdles,

and then finally for the 800, the crowds was so loud.

And on that final 200m,

two of the girls kind of overtook me,

and they kind of gave me a bit of momentum

to carry me with them, and the crowd just went wild.

I've never, ever heard anything like it.

Cos you didn't have to win.

You could have lost by 15 seconds, couldn't you, and still won?

Yeah, I had a good gap, but I wanted to finish it off properly.

And the Russian girl...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The Russian girl, Tatyana Chernova,

she'd beaten me previously in the year in the 800,

and she'd gone to the press and said,

"I can still beat her in the 800."

So as she came past me, I thought, "No, not this time!

"Not this time!" And I wanted to celebrate and enjoy that moment.

I suppose it's happened quite fast, because even before the Olympics,

we knew your name, but it was only really

in the build-up to the Olympics where, suddenly, you were the face,

and those posters were everywhere. Was that very odd for you?

Yeah, very strange.

Because, you know, I was just doing what I do every year,

competing and training, and then suddenly, it's Olympic year

and it's in London, and everyone knows about it.

And, yeah, I was part of a lot of ad campaigns going into that,

which was great fun, but really, really surreal.

You know, driving to training and seeing posters round my city.

Coming to London and seeing, you know, big billboards and stuff.

It was madness, really.

Was there a time when you were sort of cheating on your diet?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Well, yeah!

I drove down from my house,

I was going to go and get some chips,

some fish and chips, like you do.

And, yeah, there was this massive Powerade poster of me

doing these crunches, like, really sweating.

You know, working really hard, and I thought, "I cannot go in there!"

So I turned around and went to the supermarket!

I couldn't! Can you imagine coming out with a bag of chips?

Next to that? It's not a good look!

And what's it like now?

I mean, can you walk around, or are you bothered a lot?

Yeah, a lot of people come up to me now, and it's lovely,

because everyone's congratulating me

and, you know, it's been really surreal, more than anything.

Cos you get proposals through the post now, don't you?

I've had lots of things on Twitter.

Do they want to marry you?

Yeah, lots of marriage proposals, but I'm engaged! I keep saying!

But it's not putting them off, is it?

I know! Very strange people!

And do they send you things?

Erm, I've been sent, yeah, lots of weird things.

I suppose the weirdest was this man used to make these little,

like, models of me.

-Like...

-Whoa!!

Like, little cardboard...

well, no, wooden cut-outs.

This is an episode of CSI!

-I'm sure I've seen this one!

-It's the beginning of one!

-They were quite good, though.

-LAUGHTER

They started off really small, and then he sent me this big one!

I've made now!

Cos, Ricky, you talked about how you don't go to pubs anymore, and...

Well, no, I, um....I go out.

I go to restaurants and things, but pubs is the dangerous bit,

because people, when they've had a few,

they end up a little bit braver,

and they don't quite understand that you're having a quiet drink.

And the worst is Brits abroad. They're the worst.

Listen to this, everyone!

No, no, they're all lovely, but they say,

"All right, man! What are you doing?

"We're having a beer if you want to come and join us."

I'll go, "Er...I'm with friends at the moment."

And they'll go, "No? We'll be here for a while."

I'll go, "I'm all right."

And any minute, they'll go, "You've changed."

Well, not really.

I didn't used to go for a beer with strangers before I was famous.

So it's always an awkward moment when you say, "No, thank you."

But once, I was in the West End, and this guy came up to me,

he was a backpacker, I think.

He was a European guy.

And he went, "Oh, my God!

"I was going to buy your book for you to sign.

"I haven't bought it yet."

I went, "Oh."

He went, "Will you come with me to buy it?"

I've had that!

I went, "No."

And he was going,

"Mmm, there's Waterstones."

I go, "No, I'm not coming with you to buy my book."

I said, "I'll sign something," and he was looking through...

he found, like, a tube...and he kept looking, and I said,

"I'm NOT coming with you to buy my book!

"It's a no! I'll sign ANYTHING!"

But it's hard, because they think, "Why wouldn't you?

"I'm not going to meet you again, so this is my opportunity."

Yeah, exactly. That's the thing.

I was watching you tonight, Daniel, when you're outside,

with the guys behind the railings,

you were signing the autographs.

Did someone, when you started out, sit you down,

some experienced actor,

and kind of said, "OK, this is how you deal with this.

-"This is the way to behave."

-No.

-You just...

-You just kind of learn as you go,

because it's terrifying for the first little while.

It's really scary and intimidating.

Because that's the thing, because sometimes if you don't sign,

they'll boo. Like, loud.

And when you're 11 and 12, that's really kind of...

-AUDIENCE AWS

-That's crazy!

It's funny, though!

Booing to a child! "Boo!"

-Like Shirley Temple!

-HE SOBS

So for a while, it used to really freak me out,

but I think it's something you get a lot better at and more used to.

But it's also kind of great, because sometimes...

that's the thing, sometimes you say things that you're like...

to somebody I'm meeting for the first time,

I would sound like a massive narcissist,

but because of how crazy parts of my life has been,

it's just the case.

So the other day I said to somebody,

when they asked me to sign their arm,

I now say to people, "Please don't get this tattooed."

Which sounds insane and egotistical,

but I met the girl who got my horrible signature tattooed.

There's a guy who's got Brent on his...

like, the whole thing...Brent!

I mean, not even a cool guy like me. It's just me going...

and it's massive!

But, yeah, so it is very strange.

Well, you may want to thank your fans after tonight, Daniel,

-because they may be giving you your next film.

-OK.

Because there is a website called Simply Daniel Radcliffe Fan Fiction.

-OK.

-And what happens on here...

-Wow, great!

-Have you been to this yet, Dan?

-Um, I actually didn't go on it.

-Somebody...

-Well, don't worry.

We're bringing you here now.

OK, so there you are. "Unleash your heart to the world of Radcliffe."

Simply Daniel Radcliffe Fan Fiction.

Right, here we go. This one's called Cabin Fever.

Oh, Christ!

Here's the plot synopsis:

Brilliant!

It's not even, like...I like the way

it's not even, like, fantasy fiction.

It's what it would be like if we met and they hated me.

Yeah, "I don't like him much."

"I don't like him, hypothetically."

-But then, obviously, you grow to love each other, I'm sure.

-Oh, OK!

-Well, I hope so!

-This one's called Distant Hearts.

LAUGHTER Jesus!

That might be the whole film.

Or maybe you teach her to walk again.

Something like that.

-I hope so!

-Grace...this is Solo.

God, I don't like myself in ANY of this!

Not to worry, they love you in all of them.

OK, very quickly, very quickly.

Which one will he choose?!

-Aw!

-It's tricky!

They are very special. Thank you, everybody who writes them.

We thought we'd freak them out by putting in...

-Oh, have you done one?

-We CAN put one in.

-Oh, come on!

-Oh, OK.

So let's make it about you and Jessica.

-OK, yeah.

-Yeah.

What shall we call it? Olympic something. Olympic..?

Olympic...Porn? No.

Olympic World.

Daniel is an astronaut, and he wants to start a new colony of people,

so he finds the perfect woman...

Wait, wait, wait! I've got to write this down!

This is great! OK. Olympic...

-..World.

-Daniel wants to find his perfect woman.

I've got to put authors in yet! Hang on!

Don't put my name to this!

Don't you dare put my name to this!

No, I'm a professional writer!

..Ennis...D Radcliffe...

and Graham Norton.

It's my show.

OK, so the story is...what is it?

Daniel Radcliffe's an astronaut?

He's an astronaut, but he realises that Earth has only got a few years,

so he's got to go to another planet and start the human race again.

Hang on! I've only got to "spaceman,"

cos I can't spell "astronaut."

"Daniel is a spaceman."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He is starting another world

so he brings the perfect woman.

It's called 'Ad 'Em and Leave.

-Oh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Ennis...will they...

be able to breathe?

Dot, dot, dot.

His co-pilot, given to him,

is Lt. Norton...

..who has other plans.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm submitting it, I'm submitting it! "Add story." There we go.

Lovely. That'll be on the site now. Just enjoy that.

Written by all of us. Very good. OK!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ricky, you've come all the way from Scandinavia to join us.

Yes, I'm back and forth.

I'm doing a bit of a European Tour at the moment.

What's that based...is it The Office, or is it Extras,

-or is it all of it?

-Um, no, it's my stand-up.

But I haven't released it there, so it's like my greatest hits.

Ah, and you have to change it for them?

Some people call it money for old rope!

I don't have to change it, no.

You know, a lot of Europe, particularly Scandinavia,

speak perfect English.

They're really smart. They get everything.

And talking of abroad, An Idiot Abroad.

This is the third series, and it's on Sky at the moment?

That's right, yeah.

And this time, Karl is travelling with your pal, Warwick Davis.

-Exactly.

-Christ! I didn't know that!

-Yeah.

-Why have you done that to Warwick?!

-It's amazing! Warwick was up for it.

-I bet he was!

When I first pitched it to Karl, I said,

"It's slightly different this time.

"It's you going round on a bike with Warwick in the basket."

And Karl went, "So I'm doing all the fucking pedalling?"

LAUGHTER

There they are.

But actually, what's funny about it is that Warwick is so...

Warwick's loving it!

Warwick is the least complaining person I have ever met.

-Absolutely, yeah.

-Every day he came to work on Potter,

he had a full head prosthetic.

Not just full face, but full head, that he was just enclosed in.

It was three hours to get in and two and a half to get off,

and he was in it the entire day for ten years, and he never said a word.

And Karl was taking the Mickey out of him for that.

He said, "No-one knows who you are. You're always covered up.

"For all I know, you could have been the bin on 3-2-1."

APPLAUSE

Karl is also in your new baby Derek,

that starts on Channel 4 in the new year.

Yeah, I'm finishing it this week.

It's myself and Karl and obviously lots of others,

and it's set in an old people's home.

Because there was... People thought... People pre-judged it.

It was controversial before it happened and people saw the pilot and thought it was sweet.

Exactly. It got bad reviews before anyone had seen it. That was great.

Then they saw it and said, "Yeah, it's all right."

It's sweet. People assume it's going to be cutting and cynical and cruel.

You know, they thought about Life's Too Short. They thought Life's Too Short was going to be...

They think it about An Idiot Abroad.

Well it's not hidden camera. Warwick knows what's happening.

People are worried about taboo.

If there's any mention of any disability

they think that they're the butt of the joke.

They're not. It's people's attitudes that are butt of the joke.

Eventually people get it when they see it.

A lot of it is people not seeing it and assuming stuff.

I saw the pilot of Derek and I really liked it,

It was lovely. It was sweet and warm. I look forward to the series.

We have a clip of the new series.

-You fixing the table?

-Uh-huh.

Wobbly leg?

Wobbly leg.

OK. Derek. Douglas.

All right. Jesus.

-Knackered aren't we?

-Mm.

-Why?

Why? Because we've been having sexual intercourse

since yesterday afternoon.

-Have we not?

-Yeah.

-Non-stop body rock.

-Mm.

-Was I good?

-Absolutely.

-There you go. Straight from the horse's mouth.

-No offence.

-It's OK.

-On your way.

Thank you. Enjoyed that. Very nice.

Happy with that.

Just give my little balls a bit of breathing space.

APPLAUSE

All right. It's time to meet my final guest tonight.

Last year this man was the biggest selling artist in the world.

Ladies and gentleman, he's out of this world, it's Bruno Mars!

APPLAUSE

Hello, good to see you. Have a seat. There's Daniel, Jessica, Ricky.

Nice to meet you.

-Hello, sir, how are you?

-I'm good.

-You are good, aren't you? Wow.

Because you've got your new album out,

-which is called Unorthodox Jukebox.

-That's right.

-What are you singing tonight?

-I'm going to sing Locked Out Of Heaven.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-They're loving it. You wrote a lot of the songs on this...

-All the songs.

..while you were touring the last album.

Yeah, that was a big part of this album.

There were times on stage, I thought I wish I had a song like this.

So I took that energy and put it on Unorthodox Jukebox.

-You got inspired in all sorts of places, in a strip club.

-Yes.

-Do tell us. Cue, the story.

-OK.

He was on.

-DANIEL: I was there.

-Yeah, Daniel Radcliffe on a pole.

I'm not a Pole, I'm a Russian!

We had a show in Paris and we had the day off the next day.

We all wanted to go out, the band.

-We ended up in this real seedy strip club.

-Weird.

The DJ recognised me and you know, I'm trying to lay low.

And he said, "Ladies and gentleman, we have a special guest, Bruno Mars."

I thought, damn it. Cover's blown.

The worst part was he started playing my first single, Just The Way You Are.

I don't know if you've heard it...

-It's a beautiful song.

-..but it's the last song you want to hear in a place like that.

-Yeah.

-This poor girl gets on stage... And she's trying to dance to it.

And I said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

On this album I have some songs that I'll be proud of the next

time I'm in Paris at a strip club.

You wrote one specifically, Money Make Her Smile.

That's right, so get ready you French strippers!

So many beats per minute. Slow it down! I'm dizzy.

-You've been in Britain, enjoying...

-I love it out here.

You like tweeting, don't you?

Yeah it's a good way to get straight to the fans.

-Jessica, you tweet - sweet tweets.

-Do I?

-Can we show the picture of your dog?

-Yes, please.

This is adorable. This is Jessica's dog wearing the gold medal. Myla.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

You know that room could do with a table.

-I don't know if you've lived there long, but just an occasional, something.

-OK.

Maybe a rug. Just something.

-That's where she does sit ups.

-Yeah. She looks cute, though.

She does. Ricky, you just, you tweet pictures of yourself.

I haven't got a dog.

LAUGHTER

You're trying to look as horrible as possible.

Yeah. It's a hobby, isn't it?

I think this may be the winner.

The good news is you're unrecognisable,

but the bad news is, it is you.

LAUGHTER

It is, yeah!

-Yeah.

-How do you do that?

-They're called bath pics. Just me in the bath. I do one every now and again.

Honestly, I'm prouder of that than The Office.

I want to see a bath pic.

-Everyone here has to do one.

-BRUNO: I'll do one tomorrow.

-OK.

-I promise as well.

-You've got to...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-You can do it. It's good for you.

-You don't tweet?

-DANIEL: I haven't yet, no.

BRUNO: Too cool for school.

-I don't have anything that good to say all the time.

-Welcome to Twitter.

-You know, I don't know.

-If you're going to play by those rules...

The Pope's just joined.

That's the thing, that's what I loved about that, is that I'm now less current than the Pope.

-I'm now technologically behind the Catholic Church.

-He hasn't tweeted yet.

-He's building up his following.

-I hope it's a bath pic.

Yeah just with the hat on!

LAUGHTER

-I hope he does that.

-We're running short on time. It is time for music.

-Bruno, if you want to go over and get ready. Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

OK, in a moment, we'll have this week's stories in the red chair.

First performing Locked Out Of Heaven, it is Mr Bruno Mars!

# Oh, yeah, yeah Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ooh!

# Oh, yeah, yeah Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Never had much faith in love or miracles

# Never want to put my heart on the line

# But swimming in your world is something spiritual

# I'm born again every time you spend the night

# Cos your sex takes me to paradise

# Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise

# And it shows

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Cos you make me feel like

# I've been locked out of heaven

# For too long

# For too long

# Yeah, you make me feel like

# I've been locked out of heaven

# For too long

# For too long

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Ooh!

# Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ooh!

# You bring me to my knees

# You make me testify Ooh!

# Yeah, you can make a sinner change his ways

# Ooh!

# Open up your gates

# Cos I can't wait to see the light

# And right there is where I want to stay

# Cos your sex takes me to paradise

# Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise

# And it shows

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Cos you make me feel like

# I've been locked out of heaven

# For too long

# For too long

# Yeah, you make me feel like

# I've been locked out of heaven

# For too long

# For too long

# Oh-oh-oh-oh Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Can I just stay here?

# Spend the rest of my days here

# Oh-oh-oh-oh Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Can I just stay here?

# Spend the rest of my days here

# Cos you make me feel like

# I've been locked out of heaven

# For too long

# For too long

# Yeah, you make me feel like

# I've been locked out of heaven

# For too long

# For too long

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ooh!

# Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. #

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bruno Mars! Come back and join us. Wow!

Fantastic job. Have a seat there.

Wow! One more time for the band, ladies and gentleman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Great job. We didn't see the dancing dummy.

-I just met those guys!

-We didn't see the dancing. That was genius.

-Thank you.

-Very good. Brilliant. Thank you so much.

Right before we go, just time for a story or two in the red chair.

-Who's up first? Hello.

-Hi.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

-What's your name, sir?

-Ian.

-Where are you from?

-Glasgow.

-Glasgow.

-You got some ink, Ian.

-Yeah I do.

-Serious ink.

-Yeah.

-And you have it on the other arm too.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

It just seems unlikely, that's all. Off you go with your story.

I used to work in a call centre...

LAUGHTER

This is a weird show.

DANIEL: Out of interest, do you have any idea what's going on at this point?

BRUNO: I have no idea. I just want him to pull this thing.

OK, you're working in a call centre.

A customer calls, he's hysterically crying,

I was like, "Oh, my goodness, are you OK? What's wrong?"

He was telling me that people came out to fix his internet

and they left live wires in his garden.

To which I was like, "Oh, my goodness, sir,

"we'll get that cleared up. Blah, blah, blah.

He told me his dog chewed on the wire. Kind of electrocuted itself.

LAUGHTER

I was trying to console him. I was, "I'm so sorry. What kind of dog was it?"

He's like...

LAUGHTER

He was like, "It's a Yorky."

I was, "Oh, my goodness, what was the dog's name?

He was like "Sparky."

-No!

-Let him live.

-Flip me!

-Do you want to be flipped?

-Flip!

OK, he wants to be flipped.

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go on the red chair you can.

Just contact us via our website at this address.

Thank you to my fabulous guests tonight - Mr Bruno Mars,

Ricky Gervais, Jessica Ennis, and Daniel Radcliffe.

Join me next week with the star of the New Hobbit film

Martin Freeman, comedian and writer Dawn French,

top comic Lee Mack

and pop princesses Girls Aloud, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody. Bye bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd