Episode 6 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong I have got the stars of Top Gear on

the show tonight. I'm running a bit late. I better put my foot down!

Oh dear. I think I need a drink. I probably shouldn't drink and drive.

Here, you take it, Nicola. Let's CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello. Hello everybody. Hello! Hello! Welcome one, welcome

all. Oh, oh dear. Skid marks everywhere.

LAUGHTER Hey, we've got some great guests

for you and Tonight's show is brought to you by the letter J, yes,

Hollywood star, Jake Gyllenhaal is here. I know! Top Gear stars,

Jeremy Clarkson and James May are on the show. And stand by lawyers,

my all time favourite comedian, the legend that is Joan Rivers is here.

APPLAUSE Plus later on, we've got some fat

beats from the wonderful, Ke$ha, ladies and gentlemen.

I know! I know! I know something for

everyone. Jake, of course, the star of many great films, Donnie Darko,

Source Code and Brokeback Mountain where he played a cowboy struggling

with his sexuality. It is hard to know if a cowboy is

gay, you know. I would guess probably straight. This one, it is

impossible to tell, isn't it? It must have been difficult for

Brokeback Mountain, living out doortion Arwondering why you are

having strange feelings for the person you are sharing a camp with!

LAUGHTER Oh, look at you!

LAUGHTER That is a sight that could turn a

straight man gay, it is, isn't it? As is this sight!

LAUGHTER The mystery is why are two bald men

in the bath with her? LAUGHTER

Is that the bush tucker challenge? It is very strange. I really loved

Jake in The Day After Tomorrow. Oh, do you know, I don't think anyone

could fail to hear the film's powerful message about climate

change. La-la. Yeah, I'm delighted to welcome Jeremy Clarkson and

James May, two of the stars of Top Gear. I don't know a lot about cars.

I do know that people say a man's car is really a a penis substitute!

I have to say say Jeremy is right about one thing, driving down a

road in an open top car, you really do look sexy! Of course, I'm always

excited to have Joan Rivers back on the show. She still looks fantastic,

ladies and gentlemen, done she? Fantastic. I know, it is no secret,

she had a little bit of work done, yeah. I wonder what she would have

looked like if she hadn't? Let's get some guests on. Later, we

will behaving music from Ke$ha. But first, we could be in for a bumpy

ride, it is James May and Jeremy Clarkson.

Sit yourselves down. APPLAUSE

From the red carpet to the red sofa, it is Joan Rivers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, darling.

Joan, Jeremy, James. It is Jake Gyllenhaal.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It is so nice to meet you. Come in,

come in, come in. Sit down. Sit down.

APPLAUSE Oh that couch, how lovely. I have

to say normally, normally in a bland way, when everyone sits down

I go, "You all look great." I can't do that because the head honcho of

the Fashion Police is on the show. How are we doing, Joan?

shouldn't even talk. You look fine because black makes everybody look

thin except Aretha Franklin. LAUGHTER

You You two, you either have it or you don't, you know what I'm

saying? Fashion is like herpes, you either have it or you don't? Joan,

can you see my nipples? I don't want to.

That means I'm dressed. Can you see my nipples and please

look down? LAUGHTER

No, you're dressed. James May down the end there, you

spent a lot of money on clothes, don't you? Yeah, occasionally, but

I have this ability to make expensive clothes or cheap and

tatty clothes look equally crap and it is a gift.

You look particularly shit tonight. LAUGHTER

Even by his own low standards. don't think you look so bad.

Thank you very much. But you were in broke back back

mountain! I have been distracted, because you

have a healthy beard, Jake. Did you leave it on from last year's Movemb

rerks, Movember thing? I am doing a show. I am playing a character...

It is not very good tonight, is it? How long are you going to have the

beard for? Until the play is over. OK. Probably another few weeks.

Do you like it? Do you want me to let you know when it is gone.

If you could. It is gone. I will let you know.

Just a text with with "it's done." Is it itchy? Not anymore. Do you

have to brush it out? Does stuff get caught in it? Sometimes I brush

it, yes. I have a dog and you leave it for a

while and then you are sorry you left it.

I essentially have a dog on my face. If that answers your questions, I

hope it does. I don't know what you are feeding

it, but it is lovely. It has got a nice gloss.

Joan, do you do you find a man in a beard attractive?

It reminds me too much of the Kardasians in the morning!

LAUGHTER The boys down the end there, you

seem like men. I thought you would have beards? No, we went to the

North Pole, you you can't shave and we got there and there was a very

faint dirty smudge and nothing grows, I have no testosterone at

all. I'm fundamentally a girl. When you reach a certain age, hair

grouse on a woman. I have got a fair o'clock shadow on my ass.

Do you get a beard in your ears? get that? Men say, "Look in my

ears." I want to say that is a moment I will never forget for the

rest of my life. You have a five o'clock shadow, where did you say

it? On my ass. ? In some cultures, it is

attractive. LAUGHTER

I haven't found the culture, but in some cultures, it is very

attractive. LAUGHTER

Jake, it is Jake Gyllenhaal, is that right? That's right.

Is it particularly in Britain people have problems with your

name? I mean, I have run into a couple of people usually under the

influence who have pronounced it not in the right way. A drunk woman

came up to me and thought my name was Jake Jake Googenballs.

You are from LA and you spend a lot of time in London? I do, I work

here a lot. I love it in London. I love it in England. Some of My

Freedom close closest friends are British. That's why I have I have

such good style! Given that you were born in LA, your new movie End

Of Watch has taken you to a bit of LA you didn't know? Yes. It is what

a lot of people know from movies as one of the most dangerous parts of

Los Angeles. I grew up in Hollywood and I grew up all over LA in

different ways and I know it very well, but I never spent a lot of

time in South Central and it is a dangerous area and we spent five

months preparing for the movie with police officers.

I don't think the British police would let you do this. You went on

ride alongs at night with the real policemen? Yes, two or three times

a month we would go on right alongs with police officers and we would

alternate with five or six different partners and we saw a lot

of things on the streets. If there is a raid or something and

there is a call, an emergency, and you arrive and someone is going,

"My husband just beat me up. Jake Gyllenhaal is here."

LAUGHTER Hello.

This time I am leaving you! LAUGHTER

Did you get that? No, that never happened. Fortunately, people have

more important things to deal with when the police arrive.

A lot of that preparation, that's diligent, well done. Why did you

get tasered? Because I'm an idiot! I don't know. Because we were in a

group. We were at the police accad knee in -- academy in Los Angeles

and they offered us to be pepper pepper sprayed or tasered and we

chose...? Could you have not chosen neither? That's a choice we could

have made. We are actors so we are not the sharpest tools in the shed

and we decided to go for quick and painful as opposed to long and

painful and we all got tasered. But why? Well we spent... There is

no logical explanation why for why we did it.

So you would know what it was like? Yes.

Why didn't you just act? That's the idea that experiencing it does

influence the sense of realism in a movie and I think it does in this

movie. In this movie you feel like you are with us in a car and and

that was our goal and to get tasered for all of you...

LAUGHTER Is that going to be on the DVD

extras? It may. It may. I'm getting that

DVD right now. I will go straight to extras. Is it really terrible?

Yeah, it is terrible. LAUGHTER

We sort of knew that, didn't we? I wouldn't recommend it.

People ask me more than you think. "is it really that bad?" I'm rather

enjoying this. There was the moment where they

didn't shoot it at us, they put in our pocket and our legs so it

wouldn't hit our face or something like that. They said, "We're going

to do it for five seconds." I said OK, that's the amount of time you

have to do to pass the Taser test. And so they put on us and I

remember it feeling it and screaming like a little child

quickly. I said, "How long was that?" They said that's a second-

and-a-half. That was forever.

Does wee come out and stuff? What?

LAUGHTER That sounds like a wee situation.

That sounds like oh. Are you talking about a video game or...

Not for me. Well done. You're young, yeah.

LAUGHTER The rest of us, we would have let

LAUGHTER Pretty much I'm doing it at the

thought of this! It is a really, really impressive film and you are

brilliant. You and your partner played by Michael Pena. You know

him from Crash and you are phenomenal together. You must be so

proud of it and the work you put into it. I am.

We have a short clip. This is you and Michael back at the station. It

is self explanatory. Evening. Sir. So this is it? This

is the guns you took off the cowboy. That's nice hardware. I heard he

took a shot at you. Are you OK? Yes. Keep up the good work guys, I

really appreciate it. Carry on. Good evening, sir.

Good evening, sir. Why do you get nervous? You want

him. I'm not gay, but I would go down on him if he asked.

Sometimes I don't know when you're kidding and I have to know when

you're kidding. I'm not kidding.

I've got to know when you're kidding. I'm not kidding.

APPLAUSE Very good.

Now, Joan Rivers, you are on a roll, young lady. Isn't that fabulous at

this age. All my friends are dead. Nobody is there to appreciate me.

LAUGHTER I spend half my day working and

half my day going to funerals. The minister always says the same thing.

"she is in a better place." And you want to go, "No, she is not. She

had a house in the Hamptons.". year, you will be 80? Next year I

will be 80. APPLAUSE

They are really applausing because they think, "How much longer?" Do

you know what would be nice if I died on your show. You would get to

see a show and a death and they would go to dinner parties and they

would say, "You were there." She was talking and she fell over.

APPLAUSE It was amazing. We thought botox.

You know what I hate, I hate the obituaries when they say, "Sadie,

106, suddenly." You go, hold it. 1406, about time -- 106, about time.

LAUGHTER Time to go. We want the jewellery.

LAUGHTER There is weird things about ageing

that I didn't realise. It is very hard if you were attractive. You

guys don't have to worry, but... APPLAUSE

I have friends and I am not going to name names, Goldie Hawn. They

can't take it any longer. She would say, "Would you believe I have a

grown-up daughter?" I want to go, "Yes."

LAUGHTER It is very hard for a woman to get

older. And older men because I always faked the organism and now

these old guys, you if you moan and groan in the wrong ear, they don't

hear it! It is such a waist.

-- waste. So it is hard getting older.

But you work, you have got two shows on the network now?

Fashion Police and you have to say this Sunday night.

You take over the channel some nights. Fashion Police is about to

celebrate its 100th episode? Isn't that amazing? It is a big hit.

you single. We'll talk! She just broke up with the porn king of

America. He owns Vivid. Ah, you know.

Busted. We went to the porn awards. They

have a red carpet, I'm not lying to you and the porn awards, it is

shaved, but it is a red carpet... LAUGHTER

They take it seriously, you know, they go, just to have been on top

of her is enough of an honour. LAUGHTER

But Melisa, there is a fashion police... The reality show is you

living with her, Joan Knows Best that's Sunday nights as well.

Working together, that seems crazy? Working had family is very hard. We

shop together and we work together and we decorate together. She is

like the gay son I never had. You know what is great, I get to go

with my grandson and that's very important. I don't want to go here

because it is a family show. If you are a pig and your husband is a pig,

figure it out! LAUGHTER

My grandson is going to be in a commercial, they want him in a

diaper commercial as a turd! LAUGHTER

Joan, you are in good company on the couch tonight. I don't believe

any of these things. Jeremy, you like to stir it up. Not like that!

LAUGHTER Here is my line. Here is Joan's

line. LAUGHTER

Jeremy, OK, I understand sometimes controversy can stumble into your

life, but you do seem to go looking for it? I don't.

Come on, you are Tweeting the car regular regular strations people

who annoy you on the road! That's looking for trouble. I just

think that's funny because they think they have got away with it

and you go, "You haven't." I have only got 86 followers, but it is

nice from my point of view. I think that's good because it paid them

back. James, you seem so nice. I am.

Do you hate anything? Yeah, I have irrational hate treds like wiring.

I hate wires like on computers, under the desk or behind the

television. There is a lot of wires.

OCD. It is those wooden, those wooden sticks you get in America

for stirring a coffee because all the misery of humanity is in that

piece of wood because the coffee has become an elaborate construct

you have an extra shot and a dash of chocolate and a warning about

the heat and they say, "Would you like this piece of splintery wood."

It doesn't stir it up because it is really thin and it goes round and

round and nothing happens. Why? I hate it.

LAUGHTER Shall I give you an idea of how

much OCD James has got? This is a watch. It has got the little

pointer thing that has to go by the 12. If I talk to James and there is,

if I do that, it drives him. Yeah, because you are not actually

timing anything. LAUGHTER

You can't just leave it there. It is the funniest thing in the world.

I just sit and go and it it shuts him up. I have done it again now. I

will pull my sleeve down and he will never know.

Jake seems so balanced, so, you know, yeah. Does anything kind your

greers? Nothing, I am always so calm and imso together at all times.

I believe you. I hate nothing. Everything is so beautiful. What a

wonderful world! LAUGHTER

Look at Joan's face! LAUGHTER

It doesn't take much to set you off. Why do you hate women with prams?

Why? Because they take up the whole street.

LAUGHTER They have like those stupid twins.

LAUGHTER Out of the way, I have twins, you

know, I have - if you had given your husband a blow job instead of

sex... LAUGHTER

What's wrong with Glee? What's Glee ever done to you? Glee, that stupid

show where they are all happy! LAUGHTER

Don't. You've watched Glee, did you have a good time at high school?

Well you are handsome so you probably had a good time at high

school. I have so many gay friends, all the gay people on Glee, all the

gay boys are running and laughing. At my high school, they were

running and fucking hiding! APPLAUSE

Well, listen, we thought we might ask the audience if there was

anything that anode them slightly. Dear god, it was a tsunami of

hatred. Let's go and meet some of the people in the audience. Feel

free to chip in. Is it Nathan? Stand up Nathan. So what annoys you

Nathan? People with really wet, limp limp hand shakes.

Jake hates that. Jake is nodding. Everything is so beautiful.

Well get you. Where is Siobhan Gallagher? There is Siobhan. Excuse

I. Excuse I. Stand up. What annoys you? Men with cats.

LAUGHTER Julie Phillips. What annoys you?

Children that stare. Yes, that, the devil children.

Children on the train. The one that comes over the back, when you are

an an aeroplane. LAUGHTER

. What about the one that goes, "Lady, lady." I always go is there

a terrorist on board? I'm willing to help out.

LAUGHTER I'm going to write a column about

that. Deborah Miranda. Stand up. Hi. Hi.

What do you hate? Jeremy Clarkson. What have I done now? Why? Because

I'm Mexican. Actually no. Actually no. I'm going

to put my foot. I didn't say anything unpleasant about Mexicans.

Did you not? No, I was sitting near a man who said something unpleasant

and that was enough for me to spark fury. It wasn't even him. The

irritating little Brummie midges got away with it. No, I would

apologise on his behalf. We went to the Mexican Embassy to apologise on

his behalf and we got paralytic. We said sorry to the Mexicans. Well

done, thank you very much. And another thing I hate!

LAUGHTER We have changed you. It is so

beautiful here. And I am never coming back to

Britain again. If you want to hear more traffic based ranning of that

quality, -- ranting you could do worse than buy the DVD, the Worse

Car In The History of the World. You guys like nice cars? Yeah, but

why don't we just say that now and go back to Joan?

No, no. I would rather listen to Joan than

drone on about cars. We need to sell it a bit. We have.

Right, buy that. Please buy it. You don't want have

to watch it. All we are bothered about is you buy it.

You went around and tested... were obliged to put something on

the zisk in the -- disc on the box. Have you seen the photographs of us

on the front front cover? I think you didn't know that picture was

being taken! That's like our carers, they just

take the jackets off and now got the picture pop them back on.

Was it hard to pick the worst car ever? Not really. If you sit down

and think about it, I won't say what it is because we want people

to buy that. We rattled through six or seven choices and they went, "It

is this car because the expectation of it was good, but it was awful."

You bought it and thought thought "I am doing well. I look a bit of a

plonker." Is there an initial or a name? There is a name.

Is it a long name? As soon as we mentioned it we said

yes, but you would have to be moronic to buy one.

I am that moron. Seriously, I have owned the worst car in the world.

But I liked it. LAUGHTER

I liked it. That's beautiful. Yeah, I loved it, Jake. I loved

that car. Oh they mock that car. I loved it.

Are you making that up? I only got rid of it because my dog out grew

You had that car that we think... It is my favourite car ever.

I meant magnificent. LAUGHTER

Did you choose it on purpose because you knew I owned it?

I thought you had a Porsche. I had one of those, I didn't like

that. No, it is horrible.

Can you say it if you say you loved it? It spoils the end of the video

because I'm caring like that. tell you after.

I'm going to have to go and buy that DVD.

LAUGHTER I will never watch it.

Here is a clip. Here is some of the fun you had

choosing the worst car in the world. You useless piece of...

I'm stuck. You lift it had up? didn't. This is fraudulent. Aur'

cheating -- you're cheating. The Stig's Yorkshire cousin. Oh my

god. You can tell it is his because

necessary the boot. A trinket for sad fantasists.

Jeremy had one! LAUGHTER

Where is the Stig? Hang on a minute. James, there has

been a bit of an accident with your car.

APPLAUSE I forgot the obvious question,

where is the Hamster? Where is Mr Richard Hammond? Honestly, he is in

Mexico. Is he making amends? Get on the stage, kill him.

He is in America. He is always in America. He is wung of those people

-- one of those people, they are desperate to be Americans. He is

one of those people. I am one of those people too.

He says, "I will take a bud." Like you do. "I will take a Bud." No,

Richard, please may I have? Can I get a coffee and one of those

sticks as well. Oh, shut up about the sticks.

Now, listen, we must mention Top Gear, isn't it the most successful

Television programme in the world? It is now. It is seen by 350

million people in in 170 countries and this year you are celebrating

the tenth anniversary. Congratulations.

APPLAUSE What do you mean, you are not?

isn't. I am only celebrating my nine-and-

a-half anniversary. He was lost for the first series.

We told him where the studio was, but he has no sense of direction.

thought it was a long way. He got lost at the second Albert

Hall. There are two.

He says there are two Albert Halls and he got lost and we had to get

another man to stand in for him. Have you done the Top scoop gear? -

- Gear? Why why have you not done it? I would be useless.

Who would like to see Graham do it? AUDIENCE: Yes.

Can't you be killed doing it? I was scared coming on this show.

You could be killed on this show. I remember once being in a Russian

built plane that had been in ang goalian Air Force and used in Cuba

and I remember thinking, "At least the kids have a great anecdote.

"how did your dad die?" To die in a reasonably priced car would be all

right. It would save anyone speaking at

the the funeral, they could just show the footage.

We got in a real car accident, we were filming End Of Watch. All the

footage you see, we have a scene in the movie that's in the trailer and

in the movie where we are driving, I never drive the car, Michael Pena

my partner in the movie drives the car, but we didn't know, but the

road had been repaved and he took the anti-lock brakes off. We had

half a block to get up to speed at 60mph and we braked, the car in

front of us which was an old van, we braked and they braked and we

just skidded like maybe 1250 feet right in the back side of the car

and the airbags come out. What is in the movie is the best part,

which is the camera bumping into the car and rolling down the street

while the you hear the director and the cinema to go grafr screaming.

Do you drive? Since high school, I have only been in the back seat!

LAUGHTER It is so much better.

If I do Top Gear, will you you be in the back seat? Yes.

It is time for music now. This singer is one of the most talked

about stars to come out of America in the last couple of years. Queen

of the super dance, performing her new single, Die Young, please

# I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums

# Oh what a shame that you came here with someone

# So while you're here in my arms # Let's make the most of the night

like we're gonna die young # We're gonna die young

# Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

# Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

# Young hearts, out our minds # Running 'til we outta time

# Wild child's lookin' good # Living hard just like we should

# Don't care whose watching when we tearing it up

# That magic that we got nobody can touch

# Looking for some trouble tonight # Take my hand, I'll show you the

wild, side # Like it's the last night of our

lives # We'll keep dancing 'til we die

# I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums

# Oh what a shame that you came here with someone

# So while you're here in my arms, # Let's make the most of the night

like we're gonna die young # We're gonna die young

# Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

# Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

# Young hunks, taking shots # Stripping down to dirty socks

# It's pretty obvious that you've got a crush (you know)

# Take my hand I'll show you the wild side

# Like it's the last night of our lives

# We'll keep dancing 'til we die # I hear your heart beat to the

beat of the drums # Oh what a shame that you came

here with someone # So while you're here in my arms,

# Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

# I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums

# Oh what a shame that you came here with someone

# So while you're here in my arms # Let's make the most of the night

like we're gonna die young # We're gonna die young

# Let's make the most of the night Ke$ha, everybody.

Come over here. Beautiful, Ke$ha, everyone.

Beautiful. You sit down there with Mr James

May. That's lovely. Oh. That was spectacular, Ke$ha, thank you very

much. It will be released on 4th

December? Yeah. I have got a card here. The single

is released on 4th December. Jake is playing a member of the

LAPD. Right now. He is pretending to be an actor.

Did you have any trouble because you broke no a house, didn't you? A

celebrity's house? Which one? wish I could say that!

Didn't you break into Prince's house? Oh yeah, yeah.

What you have forgotten? definitely remember that. I broke

into a few people's houses. It always turns out different.

You say snuck in, I say broke in. How do you sneak in? I don't break

anything. No. I just crept under a fence and

the door was unlocked. To me, that's like having a big welcoming

sign. And was Prince in? He was playing the guitar. Isn't that

crazy? I'm not even joking. He was jamming on the guitar?

was, though. Why did you do that? Because I

wanted to work with him. That's a great way to introduce

yourself. It works sometimes, it really does. No? On my new album, I

did a song and I worked with ig with Iggy Pop because I stalked him

for years. I have got a kitchen shutter and it

is going down tonne, I'll tell you. We have time for a story or two in

the red chair. Who is up first. Hello. Pm. Hello. What is your

name? Linda. Where are you from? Essex.

Lovely and what do you do in Essex, Linda? I am a mum to Frankie.

Frankie, oh. LAUGHTER

How Old is Frankie? He is six. Hopefully he won see this show!

LAUGHTER -- hopefully he won't see this

show! LAUGHTER

Wow, that's a leaver operating a big red chair.

The world is so beautiful! LAUGHTER

Shall we try it again? Shall we try it again? Who is up next? Hello.

Hello. What's your name? Jane.

Where are you from? Surbiton. What are you doing in Surbiton?

am a full-time mum to three kids and we have got a new puppy, Graham.

LAUGHTER Cats, forget about them!

This is the one. This is the one. This one is going to tell the story.

Hello. Forget about it! LAUGHTER

Anybody with facial hair... Yeah, I hope the selectors back there, do

we have anyone left? OK. Hello.

No. No. No. I'm protecting you. What's your name? Charley.

I bet. Where Where would people find you

if if they were they were looking? Huddersfield.

Have you come all the way from Huddersfield today? Yes.

On a train or something? Yeah. Do you do something? I am a waiter

at the moment. Where? Where? Pizza Hut.

They have got them big crusts. LAUGHTER

All right, I have high hopes, Charlie, you have travelled from

Huddersfield to tell this story. I am a huge Ke$ha fan. In

Birmingham she chose me to go on stage with her and she gave me a

lap dance and it was the best day of my life.

That's a beautiful story. I know. I treat my fans well.

What? He said what? She said she treats

her fans well? She does. Look at Charlie. He is so happy.

How does that look go down in Huddersfield? Did you get get

changed on the train? Yeah. It was a shirt and tie when he got

on the train. Now, look! Charlie, you can walk. Listen, well

done to everyone on the show. Thank you to all of my guests tonight,

Ke$ha. APPLAUSE