Episode 13 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains adult humour.

Welcome to BBC One. It's an exciting race tonight. Hollywood

starlet on the inside lane. And national treasure on the outside.

This may take some time. Let's APPLAUSE

Good evening. Good evening one and all. You're very welcome and we've

got a great show for you tonight. Our favourite Brit in Hollywood,

Minnie Driver is on the show. Presenter Clare Balding is on the

show. Top funny man Stephen Merchant is

here. And chart topping Irish band The

Script is with us. Always nice to have Stephen back on

the show. At 6'7" he often towers over his colleagues. Doesn't he.

Yeah. Mind you that's something Clare knows all about. Yeah.

That's Clare at Newmarket. She's the new face of Channel 4 Racing.

Apparently they wanted someone with more glamour, style, more sex

appeal than her predecessor. Tick. Here she is at Royal Ascot.

Oohhh! That's Ladies' Day, where everybody wears a hat. They do.

Bless. Clare was also one of the stars of the BBC's Olympic coverage.

I tell you, I love the way children got into the Olympics. Wasn't it

sweet? Here are some kids who have just seen Usain Bolt warming up.

Here's some who have spotted Mo Farah training.

And here is one who has just heard the Spice Girls at theing --

closing ceremony. Adorable. Minnie and Stephen are starring in

I Give It A Year. It's all about a doomed marriage. Doomed marriage?

Where did they get the idea from? That's Katie Price with her new

husband Kieran. If you're watching the Monday night repeat, I'm sorry

that didn't work out. LAUGHTER

But do you think, where did that bloke come from? How did he end up

marrying Katie Price? Husband number three, please.

We'll all marry her eventually. Let's get some guests on.

Later we'll have music from The Script. First, it's Stephen

Merchant. Let me greet you.

Hello Sir. Nice to see you. It's Clare Balding! Hello. Have a seat.

And mirror, signal, manoeuvre, it's You look fabulous. Sit yourself

down. APPLAUSE

I feel like the scruffy one. I'm just wearing a jacket, look at you

three. Beautiful. We've been comparing heels. I said I can't

walk in heels more than two sets. She said, I'll raise you. Do you

mind if I take them off? No. Can I just take my trousers off? Sure.

that all right. I feel so at home. Look at you all comfy. That's so

much better. A very British couch. You have been out of the country.

Clare Balding went from jobbing presenter... National treasure.

word "national" is always in front. She's like a Building Society now.

I can lend you money, it's fine. Dame Clare Balding. Are you a dame?

No, I'm not. Did you get anything in the honours? No. Why not?

don't deserve anything. That's shocking. It's not. They gave

awards to every man and his dog. They didn't give one to me. I'm

livid. Bradley Wiggins gets a knighthood for winning something

and riding a bike. I've got three BAFTAs and two Golden Globes and

not a stuff. You probably have an OBE. No, I don't. I don't deserve.

It Give it time. Due notice this resemblance or did people tweet

you? Somebody told me that I looked a bit like Keneth Branagh, but as

Henry V and actually, I do. This is uncanny. I use that as my Avatar. I

met him over Christmas. I was doing some programmes... He is wearing

eye make up. Oh, my God. I said I've been abusing your image and

using you as my Avatar, look. He was very good. He laughed about it.

You use that picture and people thought it was you? Yeah. That's

amazing. And are mad about the Twitter. I love the Twitter. It's

sweet because your followers are sending you pictures, did you ask

them to? I got quite attached, I like things that look like

buildings or boxes or things that aren't meant to look like people.

People started sending me pictures. It's sounds odd. I'm not a mad,

raving... This is one. They look evil. What are you doing with the

files? Tell us who this door handle looks like? This is very good.

Keneth Williams. It does. matron. This is astonished toilet.

LAUGHTER People send me these. They are

funny. Is it rude of me to say, it doesn't look like you, but it has a

whiff of you. Not a whiff. APPLAUSE

It's uncanny. Minnie Driver, and indeed Stephen

Merchant, you're in this movie, I Give It A Year, it opens on 8th

February. This is a weird question to ask you, because I've seen the

film, but who are you in it? Because it's never quite explained

who you are. Is that a terrible thing to say. It doesn't matter.

I'm meant to be her sister. But it is never really qualified. I wasn't

sure. I mean, it's a fair question from, you know, you. Who are you in

this film? It's not my fault. And you are very funny in it. Oh, good.

Thanks. He just doesn't know why you're in it. You have some really

good lines in it. I've got good lines. There's very little rom in

this rom-com. A lot of com. It's a really funny movie. This is a scene,

it's comasz and it's what charades go wrong. You're there with your

husband who is a doctor. Here we go. Television. TV. Four

words. First word. Tapping. Hanging. Vera Duck. Braille. Impotent. Sick,

stupid. I femme gnat. Annoying, idiot, disappointment, shame,

regret, lazy, sadness. Doctor. LAUGHTER

What's weird is because, as I say, there isn't a lot of romance in it,

but that marriage, your marriage has got a functional relationship

in the movie. It does. I think it's very real in that you don't have to

like the person you love all the time. It's not the romanticising of

the relationship. It's the warts and all, which is what that central

couple are trying to make it work and it's not workingment -- working.

It's what happens when you give up and give into being a cynical old

cow, like me, in the film. Your part, was it writden for you?

Dan said. That he wrote the role of a sort of socially autistic nerd

who always says the wrong thing. love the two women going... Frb

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, so that's why I

did it. The inappropriate things you say sometimes... In the movie?

Well, no in life. Are they intentional? Never. Someone asked

me on the red carpet what would your superpower be? And I said to

never be embarrassed. So many of the things I've done in TV shows

and stuff are about the anxiety of embarrassment. You remember when I

was here last time, do you remember this? What happened? I was talking

about my stand-up show, which was about finding a wife. The brilliant

Jo Brand was on the show. She sat where you are. She was great,

fantastic. I love her. She's fantastic. I said I'm hoping I will

find a beautiful wife. And Jo said "Are only beautiful women allowed

to come to the show." And I said, "No, everyone's welcome, Jo."

LAUGHTER Honestly oh, it never occurred to

me. I swear, it never occurred to me. It just came and I don't know

if it's an English thing. Certainly the movie is really, it seems a

really British take on a rom-com. We're going to watch a clip. You're

a best man. We have a clip of you giving the best man speech.

For those of you who don't know me and especially if we meet in the

bar later, my name is Dani, do you want a pint? Fornication, I'll read

that again. For an occasion like this, I want to make sure I keep up

the traditions of being a best man. I need to guest the groom to the

church on time. Tick. Remember the rings. Did that and have sex with a

bridesmaid. LAUGHTER

It's great to see so many people turn out to see Josh finally tie

the knot and about time too. Nat has it all. She's clever apparently

really delivers in the bedroom. Like mother, like daughter, hey? I

feel she could easily be a model. I think we'll agree, if it wasn't for

her nose. Very good. APPLAUSE

That is brilliant. Funny. You're tour is about looking for love.

Right. Did it work? No. It didn't. I discovered that most of the

groupies that hang around outside the door are middle aged men who

work in IT. So I've had some fun nights, as you can imagine. But, no,

there was no wives. Really? Yeah and I've been everywhere, Australia,

America, New Zealand. I've looked high and low. Still looking. I've

really lowered my standards now. There might even be someone...

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. This is what I mean. I always put

my foot in it. They were on my side. So you're single at the moment.

You're stepping out I believe. Don't say any more, I'm not prying.

I'm not going all tabloid. But you're dating? Yes. And didn't he

want to marry you? It is a bit confusing. He's only four. What

kind of a mother are you? Walking around in provocative clothing.

Stop it. It's so grim. Are you like Miss Haversham? No. What do you

mean, he wanted to marry you? Because he said, "I want a brother

and a sister. I said, "You've got to have a husband to get one of

those." He went, "I can be that." Exactly awwee. Not revolting.

That's your disgusting piggery in your head. How did you explain to

him that he couldn't be. They are married now.

Of course you can marry mummy. wrong!. Clare, you are settled. How

many years? Ten years. Six years civilly partnered. I thought you

just said, "Punished." One of my nephews, he's four. They all adore

Alice. He said, Unty -- anty Clare, can men and women get married too?

You say you have been together with your partner for a long time. Do

you not get fearful of getting bored. I thought I would never get

bored of Wii tennis. It's in the loft skram Now, Dame!

Now, Dame Clare Balding.... have to stop saying that! I cannot

believe they did not give it to you. I didn't do anything. You sat there

going "Here's the swimming," for nearly a month. It has all changed.

Britain's brightest on BBC One, I love - this is on Saturday nights,

because it seems an unlikely think to put on a Saturday night. Because

it is intell gent!? Talk us through it? We are looking for people who

are really bright. Don't look at me. I'm ignoring him.

Numeracy, literacy, memory and emotional intelligence, so social

perception is tested. I love it. A lot of people come on who have not

done well in exams. It shows you how bad they are for testing

whether we are bright or not. All- round brightness gets you further

in life rather than academic brilliance. They all look unlikely

to be on television. They are not proper contestants who go on quizs.

People who are young and try and show how clever they are. He has

that look about somebody. Are you saying it look like a nerd?

Obviously not now. Graham probably has one... I do. Stephen was on

Block Busters. Now it sound funny. At the time you didn't do it

ironically! I was old enough to know better. They revived the show

with Michael Aspall. I was 20. old? I was 20. You look younger.

Here you are. Which one are you? That's me trying to fig our out a

question. Did -- figure out a question. Did you have a mascot?

They didn't allow you. Why two people against one person? I used

to watch thinking, which idiot goes on their own? If I had a friend I

would not be on Blockbusters. I think I was a smart bloke, but I

was terrible. The pressure of the lights - it was intense. I have

worked with Les Dennis - all the big names. He would do family

fortunes. I asked him the funny answers. I understand now. There

was name a bird with a long neck and the answer was Naiomi Cameron.

My favourite was name something you would open other than a door and

the answer was bowels. One of the appeals of you Clare

Balding, is that people see you as an every woman. People can rehate

to you. That's nice! Having read your book, which is my -- My

Animals and other Family. It is like you grew up in PG

Woodhouse land. I knew dad was not great at health and safety. Putting

on slays behind his car. I enjoyed it. Was great. You survived it.

thought I was a dog for most of the beginning of my life. You had to be

a dog to get attention and you were a dog to get attention and you were

an only child at the time! Yes. I don't see what's odd about that. I

could see the dogs were getting a lot of attention. I thought I would

be a dog and then they will rough my hair up! You tell your life

through animals that you have met and known throughout your life.

What was the Shetland? Valcry. you brought into lunch? I thought

she would want to be with us. Shetland pony, not full-sized?

would be mad! It was a big house, but yes... I brought her in and she

did a droping in the kitchen and my mother was not very pleased. That

is good. That shows standards. It would be terrible if your mother

was relaxed about it. Don't worry about it! A bit of a stin income

the kitchen! -- stink in the kitchen. This is your house - this

is lunch and look who has popped in - the Queen Mother. I love the fact

she kept her hat on for lunch. was the Queen Mother at your house?

Well, my father trained racehorses. She liked a tipple. No, she didn't

gamble. Not really. She came to see her horses and stayed for lunch.

is an extraordinary childhood and would make a good film. We are in

discussion about the dramatisation of it... Kenneth Braaugh's going to

play her! He is Clare Balding! Him in a dress,

bringing a pony into the kitchen! Well!

And we've got this cast! Stephen Merchant plays the jockey,

obviously! That is the other thing in this book. Maybe everyone knew

this, I didn't realise how serious you were about being a jockey. You

were a proper jockey. I was an amateur jockey. You are joking!

I am heavy to be a jockey. You are tall. And heavy. I won the amateur

championship and won my weight in champagne. The sponsors pulled out

the following year! They did. The chaim paing did my 21st --

champagne did my 21st birthday party. It is odd how your body

betrays you when you cannot do the thing you want to. I was always

heavy. I would eat and drink nothing, sweat in a sawn that. Dad

could lose five or six pounds in one day. I thought I would be able

to and I couldn't. You cut your nails to lose weight! That didn't

make any difference. I kept my hair short. I thought that would make a

difference. It didn't either. are racing against people like

Princess Anne? She was riding on the amateur racecourse at the same

time. We rode against each other at a race at Beverley. I managed to

carve her up, without realising. My horse decided to do it. He jumped a

path. That is your story, obviously! That is what I told her.

She was probably cross. And fair dos. I cut her up on the bend. We

had about another mile to race. I didn't realise - I really didn't

realise it was her. When we came into the strait there was a blanket

finish. As I am pulling up, I think I have just won that. I didn't

realise until I came back and my mother was as pale as anything. She

said, "Do you know what you have done?" I said, I think I have won.

She said, no, you have carved up Princess Anne. It was all unnerving,

all the girls were in there before me and.... It is an amazing image,

Princess Anne going "where's Balding?" It was a little frosty.

Have you made peace? Well, I hope so. I see Zara Phillips a lot.

is why she didn't get the OBE! pay-back time!

A big cross - off the list., No, no, In the book you talk about the

complicated thing of naming horses. People do name horses such weird

things. And the people trying to smuggle quite rude names in. New

Was Big Tits allowed here? It was allowed in France but not here.

that because they didn't know what it was? That is a real name in

France. The Great Titans - it means big

tits. That is what they are. Can I be in your show? Clare was

not considering that! She cannot mean that show where I am looking

for intelligent people! Yes, you can, Minnie. Ignore him!

Do a celebrity special for Christmas. A celebrity pity special.

Well done! I hope there's a question about the French for Big

Tits! We have the British Horseracing

Boarbroodd authority - bless them - they issued a list of all the names

which have been refused because people tried to smuggle these names

through. That authority they saw through them. They saw what people

were trying to do. So Minnie, if you want to read some out in your

beautiful voice. I will. Here is beautiful voice. I will. Here is

the first one. Read that one out. Here's another one.

This will be available as a podcast! Minnie going... There is

an Irishness to this. If you write them up like this we

can get away with this! I think we're OK!

Another one? It looks like a proper name.

Wouldn't that be amazing if the Queen mum had accidentally bought

that horse. This cannot be real How can they see through that one?

Here we go - another one. The weird one is there was one

called Hoof Hearted. There's some footage of this horse with the

APPLAUSE That's real!

Listen, Stephen Merchant, you've gone all Hollywood. Yes. I have

seen pictures of you with Hali Berry. It is a series of sketches.

I was asked if I would be on a blind date with her. I have seen it

- it is very, very funny. Movie 43, out on Friday. Is it called that

because it is 43 sketches? They are looking for some missal movie

called Movie 43. These teenagers... It is crazy the cast list, it is

Kate Winslett, Richard Gear, it is mad. They asked if I wanted to be

in a sketch, I said yes. I wanted a picture of me with Haile Berry. I

could show all the people who laughed at me as a teenager. This

We play a game of truth or dare. It starts and the dares escalate. So

at one point I wind up with a tattooed peen us -- penis on my

face. She makes guacamole with one of her boobs. It's classy. It will

give Lincoln a run for its money at the Oscars. How do you do that?

get all the elements and... thanks. Pestle and mortar. The

other big Hollywood news is your stand-up tour almost like a movie

in itself is now being turned into a sitcom. I did the show in America

and some HBO came up and said would you think about doing it as a

sitcom. My stand up show is about my failure to find a wife and

general pathetic life as a loseer. And they thought, yeah, we want

this on TV. So that's what we're doing. Is there not going to come a

huge dilemma when they say we want to turn it into a six-part series

that if you find a wife, in that time, you ruin your career. He'll

keep her in a bunker. Sort of where he already does keeper.

Yeah, you're right. I mean it's not a documentary. Soy could

theoretically be married and still be acting the role. It's going to

ruin your jam though if you do get married. It would. Thank you,

you're wishing on me a deep, miserable, lonely laugh, so the

laughs keep coming. I'm not. Is one of the episodes going to feature

that hideous wedding experience you had? It is. Yeah. I mean, I thought

I'd met this woman of my dreams at this wedding. You know you get

stuck on a table with people you don't know. There was a girl

opposite. We hit it off. I was stuck next to this couple, Ollie

and Lisa, they had a toddler in a high chair, just sat there like

that. Just mashing bread sticks and stuff. The mother wouldn't

reprimand him. She was going "What's he like." She would

dominate the table with these stories, you know these people

they're not really stories, it was like, "Here's one for you, I went

to the erm... Erm... The erm... Eiffel Tower. No, no the erm...

Supermarket. Did a big, big erm... Shop. Did a shop. I got back to the

checkout and I'd forgotten my purse. I had to go home for it. Honestly.

I was thinking if that story was making its way out of my brain

towards my mouth, another part of my brain would have stepped in and

gone "Where the hell are you going?" This is a wedding. I don't

know what this is. She's whitering on and her husband who is a posh

bloke pipes up and goes "Where do I recognise you from?" I said The

Office. He said "I've seen The Office. Not my cup of tea. I'll

tell you where you're going wrong with The Office. He said not much

story." I'm thinking yeah because you know about stories because

you're married to bloody Charles Dickens.

That's not the reason I blew it with this girl. So this toddler is

sat there the whole time and we're having soup and for no reason, this

kid just took his shoe off, just lobbed it in the air. It came

flying down, landed in my soup right, all over me. No-one else is

touched. I'm covered in it. The mother went, "What's he like?" And

I said," He's like a (BLEEP)". It's time for some music now. This

group's third album has topped the charts all over the world. Tonight

they're performing a new single, If You Could See Me Now. Please

# It was February 14 Valentines Day # The roses came but they took you

away. # Tattooed on my arm is a charm to

disarm all the harm # Gotta keep myself calm but the

truth is you're gone. # And I'll never get to show you

these songs # Dad you should see the tours that

I'm on. # I see you standing there next to

# Both singing along, yeah, arm in arm.

# And there are days when I'm losing my faith?

# Because the man wasn't good. He was great.

# He'd say "Music was the home for your pain"

# And explained I was young, he would say

# Take that rage, put it on a page. # Take that page to the stage

# Blow the roof off the place. # I'm trying to make you proud

# Do everything you did. # I hope you're up there with God

saying "That's my kid!" # I still look for your face in the

crowd. # Oh, if you could see me now

# Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?

# Oh, if you could see me now # Oh if you could see me now.

# If you could see me now would you recognize me?

# Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?

# Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face

# Put your hand on my heart that was cold.

# As the day you were taken away # I know it's been a while, but I

can see you clear as day. # Right now, I wish I could hear

you say # I drink too much, and I smoke too

much dutch. # But if you can't see me now that

a must # You used to say I wont know a

wind until it crossed me. # Like I wont know real love 'til

I've loved and I've lost it # So if you lost a sister,

someone's lost a mom. # And if you lost a dad then

someone's lost a son # And they're all missing out, yeah,

they're all missing out. # So if you get a second to look

down on me now # Mom, Dad I'm just missing you now.

# I still look for your face in the crowd

# Oh, if you could see me now. # Would you stand in disgrace or

take a bow? # Oh, if you could see me now

# Oh, oh # Would you call me a saint or a

sinner? # Would you love me a loser or

winner? # Oh, oh

# When I see my face in the mirror # We look so alike that it makes me

shiver. # I still look for your face in the

crowd # Oh, if you could see me now.

# Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?

# Oh, if you could see me now. # Yeah, I'm just missing you now.

# I still look for your face in the crowd.

# Oh, if you could see me now # Would you stand in disgrace or

take a bow? # Oh, if you could see me now

# If you could see, you could see me now.

# If you could see, you could see APPLAUSE

The Script, ladies and gentleman! Come on over.

Everyone, shove up. Hello Sir. Have a seat there. Hello Sir. Very nice

to see you. Lovely. Shake hands, awe. How lovely. Look a -- at The

Script. That's the new single off the album. That's done incredibly

well. That single is not out till March the... 4Th. It's a way aways.

You have to do the promotion. You have to be on the radio. Giving you

the exclusive on it as well. Thank you very much. I think everyone

liked it. Thank you very much. You're on tour, sort of on tour

still. We were on last night, we played Hamburg last night. Munich.

Sorry. So showbiz. Tomorrow is Holland. 16,000 people

tomorrow night as well. Will they be as good as that audience though?

I doubt it. I should say you were in London at the O2 2 2nd and 23rd

of March. If you like drinking and who doesn't, and you're going on

tour, you have such a good system for getting back to your room. Is

it you? Yeah. I have a great tour manager who sticks the number to

our room on the back of our phones. But I keep the same room in every

hotel. Isn't that clever. I stay at the same number in every hotel.

was thinking it would have to be a low number. If it was like 1102 and

there was no 11th floor. It should be 999. The Voice you've recorded

some of it? Yeah we've shot the blind auditions, the most exciting

part. We shot those and it was amazing. Are you just at home

picking your nose while he's off doing that? I have a show called

the Mouth. I put the Voice on mute and I give

him shit all night. I love how obsessed you became with

it, moving furniture, like the chair spins. It must be fun.

really is. Do you go before the audience comes in? Yeah, me and Tom

were just touching our buttons. Everyone loves a mechanical chair.

Before we go tonight, let's pay a advise toit our very own, big red

chair, who's up first? Hello? You look quite serious. What's your

name? Hugo. You are quite serious, aren't you? What do you do? I work

in insurance. I wasn't going to guess that, but you could have.

What sort of insurance? Normally property, but actually we've

branched out and insured our first porn star's penis.

True story. Against what? Fire and theft?

APPLAUSE Well damage and being kidnapped for

ransom. Yeah. Is that your story? No. OK. That's just his dull day

job. Off you go, Hugo, with your tale.

My tale today is of my third driving test. We are going along,

fine. The examer says right in a minute we're going to go through

the emergency stop. I'll put my hand up and go for it, hit the

brakes. You weren't having it. Why? Because I feel like we've had the

best of Hugo. I wanted to know what was going to happen. Now you never

will. Get the next one on. Wow.

She only plailz a bitch. -- plays. Do we have someone else? Hello.

Yeah I'm with you. This is going to be great. This guy is great. What's

your name? Nathan. Where are you from? Australia. His voice though,

that's a porn star's voice. I think he's the... Really? Yeah. Nathan,

what do you do here now? Teaching. What are you teaching? Not a lot. I

teach primary school kids. Anything at all? Not on Mondays. Subjects?

Years one to six and get given and told to teach it.

LAUGHTER He's teaching our kids? Some parent

in a second is going to go, I recognise him. Oh, my God.

Nathan, I'll tell you now, you're now looking for a new job. Don't

let that extract you. Off you go. We're sitting here and a few of the

lads are around the TV. Let's go away for new years. Great, go on a

trip to friends. Book in, 170 Aussies and Kiwis. Bound to be

trouble. We're on a four-day bender. Can I stop you now? You're a

primary school teacher! That's your job. Sorry, somebody had to say.

That keep going. On about the fourth day, I take it upon myself

to think this is a great idea, hand my beer to my mate. I run as fast

as I can in my snow boods, slide on the ice like a penguin, I'm looking

at this big wall of powder and think, great this is going to stop

me, go straight through the wall of powder and land on a set of metal

stairs. My head goes bang down three flights of stairs. That

explains a lot. I get up and it was amazing. I had

blood coming out of my mouth. I stand up and look up and a crowd of

people on the balcony going "That's tops." Well done to everyone in the

red chair. Thank you to my guests tonight. The Script, Stephen