Episode 15 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language. One of my guest tonight

starred in the new Disney video about characters who live in a

video game. What would that be like? I have got to concentrate and

dodge these lightening bolts! Hello! Hello!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello everybody. Good evening.

Welcome one and all. A great line- up for you tonne. It is a good

looking sofa tonight. Yes, it will be me letting it down!

LAUGHTER Who have we got? We have got

Hollywood A-lister, Mark Wahlberg is here, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I know. I know.

Acting superstar, Michael Fassbender is on the show! I know!,

the comic, Sarah Silverman is here. APPLAUSE

Plus we've got music from BRIT Award nominee, Laura Mvula. Yes, we

have. APPLAUSE

A huge welcome to my fellow fellow Irishman, Michael Fassbender. He is

half Irish and half German. Yes, what is it about Germany that the

Irish find so appealing? What is LAUGHTER

Did you remember the nuts? And Sarah Silverman is here. Not only a

brilliant comedian, she is one of the stars of the new Disney film,

Wreck-it Ralph. It is about video characters who comes to life.

Remember Tomb Raider, Super Mario and that time they combined Grand

Theft Auto with Sonic the Hedgehog, do you remember that? It was quite

a short film! LAUGHTER

Hey, it is great to have Mark Wahlberg back on the show. Did you

all see Ted? Where he lives with a foul-mouthed teddy bear and even

though it was a comedy they wanted to make sure the teddy bear didn't

do anything a real bear wouldn't do. Here is Ted drinking and hear is a

-- here a bear drinking. LAUGHTER

Here is Ted going to the toilet and here is a bear going to the toilet!

LAUGHTER That's incredible, isn't it? Here

is Ted being per miss cueious and here is a bear being pro promiscus.

First, Michael Fassbender. You are very welcome. Have a seat. It is

Sarah Silverman. There she is. Oh. I am so glood so glad to meet you.

It is Mark Wahlberg. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. It is so nice to see you again. Sit down. Sit down. Sit

down. APPLAUSE

Very nice to see you all. How are you? I'm really well. Are you all

well? I feel really good because you have a security blanket right

here. You are funny, but she is really funny!

LAUGHTER Look at you all fashioned up?

wearing fashion tights. No, they are fashion tights. I have

been need to go get thigh -- needing to get my thighs out

recently. I love your tights!

LAUGHTER This started backstage. Do you cut

your own hair? What the patches? What's going on with this? It is

from... Have you heard of where you drill little holes in your head to

release pressure. Yes. That's what you have? Is that true? I feel like

we are on a plane. LAUGHTER

There is different conversations occurring.

LAUGHTER Have you had your meal? What are

you watching? That's what happens when you get people to drink

alcohol and come on a show. That's a social thing.

I don't drink. It is a recipe for disaster. That vodka... We must

talk about Mark, your new movie, you produced it. You star in it. It

is called Broken City and it opens on 1st March, you got a great cast

together? Well, we have Russell Crowe playing a corrupt mayor, a

larger than life crime figure who is very charismatic and Kath lin

Zeta-Jones -- Catherine Zeta-Jones plays his wife. So I start to

investigate her and I start to unravel all this corruption and we

have the great character actors like Jeffrey Wright and I offered

the part of my character to Michael, but he passed!

Awkward! Awkward! There is so much energy right now. I had to play the

part myself. I went in thinking he was going to

be a cop story, crime thing, but it is more of a political thriller,

would you say? Well, the political backdrop. More More often than not

the system fails us, the political system. The fact that I got away

with a lot of things in real life that I shouldn't have and I get to

be a movie star and it is a problem. It is a problem. Now, I turn my

life around and I have done the right thing, but many people have

been wrongfully convicted and the system is flawed so we need to

figure that out and in our elected officials more than not are

corrupted by power and enticed by money and that's a situation that

we need to deal with. We have got a clip. This is you and

rustle Crow as the mayor and the tables are about to be turned.

can I do for you? I want to know why you hired me. I hired you to

investigate my wife. Investigate her for what? For not minuting her

own business as for one. But having a big mouth and asking too many

questions is for one. You better be careful following her. I might have

to hire someone to investigate you. You have got it all worked out.

That's why people keep electing me. So it is all for the city?

Everything I do is for this city. I chose you because I own you.

APPLAUSE That was the exciting incident.

Oh, it all kicks off. It is a throw back to the great 70s characters

like China Town. James Cagney and Steve McQueen and these great ugly

ugly character actors which made me feel confident and the possibility

that I could be one of those guys. They looked my dad and reminded me

of my dad, kind of short, a little weird. But had some bulls that

would stand up for the every man. So there is more kind of ugly

little little weird people in the world than there are tall good

looking people like Michael Fassbender. Those people root for

me hence the fact that I get to star in the movie.

Have your kids seen any of your films? They have seen moderate

pieces like the Disney football movie that I did and the other guys,

but my son did see a piece of Transformers. Have you finished

Transformers? He watched the one that is preceded our movie. We're

playing football in our theatre and my youngest son who is four years

old, throws the football down and goes, "Fucking shit." he got

stopped for the touch down, it made sense what he said, but I was like,

"Why did you say that? Get over here. I want to wash your mouth out

with soap soap." He wants to smile because he knows he made daddy

proud. I said, "Get over here. Where did you hear that from?" He

looks at me and Says, "Transformers." That's how we pay

the bills, kid. Was it a proud moment when you

introduced them to the Rock Johnson? They are huge fans of

wrestling. This is the Michael Payne movie. I'm like, "Dude, you

have got to do me a favour. My kids are huge fans, can you please come

over and say hi?" He is like, "I would love to. I love kids. I have

a daughter." He comes over. He comes in the trailer. They are all

being shy. They are hiding in the bathroom and he is like, "Where are

your kids?" I was like, "They are over there." He goes, "Guys come on

out. Give me a high five." My youngest kid punches him in the

nuts as hard as he can. The youngest one, as hard as he can.

Wow. He is like, "What's wrong with this

kid? He needs some counselling." That's what he does. My son scored

a basket, my oldest son scored a basket at a basketball last week

and my son's idea of of celebrating was turning around and punching me

in the nuts! That's what he does. You need to get him out of that

habit. Did they understand why they couldn't see the lovely teddy bear

film? Absolutely not. They think, "Daddy,

there is a movie where you and the daddy bear, you are you are

laughing and having fun. I can see this." Ted is inappropriate and my

wife is very conservative. I am thinking the boys, eight and nine,

we will show them the movie and she is like 24, 25. Never show the

daughters which I agree. Was Ted set in Boston because you

liked doingted Boston Dunkirk -- doing the Boston accent? No, there

were many jokes that offended me and my family. I liked Seth and I

liked it. I heard he is good at voice. If he is good at voices, I

want to challenge you. Oh shit.

I want to challenge you to a big dick contest. I will challenge you

to a voice contest. Sarah is my back-up.

She is She is is the real deal. Sarah knows her Boston voices.

I can do my dad. I don't want to interrupt this thing. High dad had

a retail store, discount women's clothing store... You smell so good.

LAUGHTER He did his own radio ads. He would

go, "When I see the prices at the mallI just want to vomit." Where is

this competition? They asked me if I could do Ted's voice? It is not

fair. It is like a hyped up version of the Boston accent. Is. Control

your mind. You don't just do do voices, you do

noises. He is like the guy from the

Beverley Hills Police Academy. not as good as that guy.

What can you do? HE WHISTLES

Can you do machinery? I can do a sin is a thizer -- synthesizer!

LAUGHTER I played racket ball... I have got

a 198 0s silencer! LAUGHTER

Your dad, does he speak with a German accent? No, with just make

noises to each other! LAUGHTER

Your dad really follows your career, doesn't he? He tells me what I'm

doing before I know what I'm doing. He has got me on Google Earth which

is very frustrating. It is kind of worrying. It is sweet and creepy at

the same time. So yeah, he is like,, "I hear you

are going to be doing this film next." He goes, "I don't like your

new haircut.". He must find out bizarre things about you? Yes.

LAUGHTER Does he know you were naked in that

movie? No, I kept that secret! LAUGHTER

I can see your penis in front of my face.

LAUGHTER Michael, what was going on, you

thought it was a good idea to invite your parents to the premiere

of Shame. LAUGHTER

I know, yeah. How did that go? Well, you know, my mother didn't

end up turning up so that was OK. LAUGHTER

Mum went and checked it out I don't know, when it came out in Tralee

actually, I think. Nice, a day of it. She got all her

friends together. Go and see Michael's new film.

can see it now. They are opened minded people.

Your penis had its own Twitter account and George Clooney talking

about it at the Golden Globes, I mean that's weird? It is kind of,

just sort of, I guess, sort of reflects how our relationship with

that is. You know, people are still kind of awkward about it and

uncomfortable. LAUGHTER

You have got everything out. You let it all hang out in... I did,

yeah, I did. You did. Was it Take This Waltz with Michelle Williams?

It wasn't sexual. It was very non- sexual because women on a daily

basis are naked around each other. You are changing. You are getting

clothes on. One is in the tub. And one is reading a magazine, it is a

natural thing, but you never see that reflected in movies, it is

only in a sexual way with lightening and you know, so...

it a dormitory or something? naked all the time. Today, I was

naked. In the rest room and the dressing

room and sull of a sudden -- all of a sudden everyone is naked.

I'm just having a good time. APPLAUSE

I turn to Sarah Silverman because I know a lot about you because I have

read the Bed Wetter. It is still available. Do books stop being

available. Yeah, they do.

Classics? This book will be around forever, but what is weird about

this book, it seems unlikely, but this is what got you your part in

Wreck-it Ralph? That's true. The director read the book and

thought she is perfect as a a cartoon character? That's right.

You have seen the movie how many times? Ten and about 20 on bootleg.

My kids love the movie. I have two boys and two girls and and she

changed my life! LAUGHTER

Don't be left out. It is like a weird foreign film!

LAUGHTER There will be subtitles in a minute

now and I'm the inn keeper I must top up your glasses and

leave! The movie, Wreck-it Ralph is written around you? Kind of, I feel

cocky saying that. But it is true? It is a nine-year-

old girl by the way. Just so people know what we are talking about.

Let's watch a clip. This is Wreck- it Ralph. He left your game and he

entered your game. The other kids won't let me race because they say

I am a glitch. And And Ralph is causing havoc.

Those girls won't let you race. is a bad guy, but he wants to be

good. He is flawed. He is damaged. He

wants your attention. He wants a broken city. Which I saw ten times

with my kids. Here is the clip. Here is the clip. Here it is.

What's your name? Ralph. Wreck-it Ralph. You are not from here, are

you? I'm not from right in this area. I'm doing work? What kind of

work? Routine candy tree trimming. You want to stand back. This area

is closed while we are trimming. Who is we? The candy tree

department. Hey, are you a a hobo? No,, but I

am busy. What is that, I didn't hear you? Your breath makes me ears

numb. You're Mimicking me. This conversation is rude. I wouldn't

grab that branch if I was you. I am from the candy tree department

so I know... Why are your hands so freakish big? I don't know. Why are

you so so freakishly annoying? Because it is you. It is you.

The good thing about big movies, you get get get merchandise and

Sarah is an adorable doll. It is quite nice, isn't it? It is nice

and it speaks. It says things. Hello. Did you really do it? Yeah.

Tom Hanks gets his brother to do the Woody doll. My brother does my

show! What are you doing girl? took me two seconds.

While I was in the shop, it is all tax deductable. How cute is that?

Also, how expensive is that? He speaks too. Hey Johnny, are you

having a beer? OK, so I will start with her. Hello. I'm adorable.

OK, that's a good start to a conversation for him.

Come here. It is cute. She replies with?

LAUGHTER Possibly fainted. I know what I

would like to do her. And she replies? I've got a date with

destiny. Very good. Now, the glitch, it is

based on your childhood, what was the glitch in your life?

I think what you saw in the book was that I was a bed wetter into my

teens and it was humiliating and that was kind of like something I

thought would be my greatest shame, you know. And then I think the kind

of the lesson of the movie which is kind of the lesson of the book

which is something that you think is your biggest down fall,

something that you think you are going to be ashamed of your whole

life, if you let it, it can be your super power, you know.

It is true. Thank you. Tas British audience. They are like,

"Whatever.". What I liked about it, there are stories in this book that

could have been someone's childhood trauma, but they are anecdotes like

the sleep over when that lady came in. Elvis Presley saved my life in

a way because I was at a sleep over party when I was six or seven and I

had to borrow pyjamas. I didn't know it was a sleep over and then

she was like, "It's a sleep over." I went, "I have got to call my mum

and see." And I was praying she would say no and she said yes. I

would have to punch myself awake all night to not pee and then I did.

I feel asleep and I woke up and she had too sexy pyjamas for a six-

year-old. LAUGHTER

She gave her daughter curls every day. It was like sexy hair on

pyjamas and they are drenched. So everyone is getting changed and I'm

just numb inside. I'm just doing what everyone else is doing and her

mother walks in and she steps right in my pee pyjamas and can you

imagine... Listen to the nice lady. LAUGHTER

That's wrong. Don't touch the man there.

LAUGHTER I was looking for this. You hid it

for me. Sit yourself down. Wow... If you want this. Is this my

microphone? You can throw it under the sofa. So we are getting to the

end of this bloody story. We should. We should.

She stepped in... Can you imagine being a mother and doing this. She

goes, "Who did this?" I'm just like paralysed with fear.

LAUGHTER Can I finish this story?

I'm exhausted. LAUGHTER

Finish the story. Just when I think she is going to kill me, the

husband walks in and says, "Elvis Presley died.". You see, we got

there in the end. What are you looking at my tights?

I wanted to see if your wire was still connected to your mime roe

phone? -- microphone? There is a lovely scene on your

grandmother's deathbed. Behave. Behave. This is a good story.

will keep it tight. LAUGHTER

You guys are disgusting. Now, I have started doing exercises. My

grandmother, my nanna was dying. She is on her deathbed and it is

the kind of thing where she was ready. She said goodbye and every

time she woke up, she was like scwlth am am -- like, "Am I still

here?" She opens her eyes and my sister and I are sitting either

side of her and she looks up and says, "So beautiful." We go, she is

talking to me. She is talking to me. With her last last breath she was

like, "Laura." LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, whine meanwhile meanwhile, I am still being host

over here. Michael Fassbender, a different childhood, you grew up in

rural Ireland. What is weird, Hollywood comes to call. You had

Star Wars, didn't you think you were Superman when you were a kid?

When I was a kid? LAUGHTER

Yes, I did actually, yeah. High the Superman outfit.

Did you believe you could fly? had a ringing in my ear one night,

but I was too tired to get up out of bed.

There were plenty of kids that thought the same. I had the suit

and I wanted to take it to the swimming pool and practise. My

cousin and I had a game where he would be dressed as a civilian

civilian child, of course, and he would run behind the bush and I

would come out dressed as Superman. Like the phone box? Yeah, but we

used a bush! LAUGHTER

It was Ireland. It was simple, happier times.

LAUGHTER And Clark Kent ran behind a bush.

How old were you when you drebg add stage version of -- directed a

stage version of Reservoir Dogs? You were in it as well? Yes, I

managed to get it together somehowment I didn't really know

what I was getting myself into. I wanted to do it and it was great,

yeah. I just organised my friends together.

Did you go to the butcher's and great real blood? We had a lamb

chop for the ear which we filleted down to the right size. We stopped

cars in the street with pretend guns and through flyers in their

window and if you did that in America, you would get shot.

Did you tell quent quen when you -- Quentin Tarantino when you met him?

Yes, but I told him it was for charity.

You have done that thing of of going into big studio movies like

Prometheus and X-Men? If they make enough money they go for another

one. In X-Men, it was you and James

McAvoy. You weren't even filming when you and James... You have had

him here. Oh yeah. He is crazy. He is

fantastic, but he is crazy. We were sort of mucking around on the golf

carts that you go on between studios. James jumped behind the

wheel and he was off. It was one of the faster ones. It goes about 7mph

as opposed to 5mph. We were weaving through the cars and we were

heading back to base camp where the trailers and when when he was

steering, I decided I would do opposite balance with the outside

tyres were gripping and you get the most grip and take the corn corners

faster. That's a happy tale. You ruined the peeing story and now

you are going to ruin the golf story.

I apologised. I napped... He is atrocious. So you are on the golf

cart. And you and James McAvoy enter twined? Through his driving.

He was the driver and I was counterbalancing at the back and as

I have said said already if you were listening, Mark. So anyway, we

went flying into the base camp and the wheels dug in too much so we

took a swerve to the left and crashed into the back of a Lexus

and he went flying out of the car and I went flying over the back and

ended up where he was sitting and I got the blame for everything!

Twins. Twins were born on the sidewalk. That was a separate

incident. I don't know what chateau that red

wine came from, but my god... APPLAUSE

Somewhere out the back there is Laura Mvula who has to sing a song

and she is thinking, "When am I coming on?" This is all very funny.

I have to sing a song. Who? LAUGHTER

You will meet her shortly. Tas lovely -- it is a lovely song.

Don't join in! Now this young singer is tipped for

greatness in 2013. Her debut album comes out next month and forming

her -- performing her new single, green Green Garden, please welcome

# Take me outside # Sit in the green garden

# Nobody out there # But its soaking now

# Bathe in the sunlight # Don't mind if rain falls

# Take me outside # Sit in the green garden

# And I'll fly on the wings of a butterfly

# High as a tree top and down again # Putting my bag down

# Taking my shoes off # Walking a carpet of green velvet

# Dance in my garden like we used # Dance in my garden like we used

# Take me outside # Sit in the green garden

# Nobody out there # But its soaking now

# Bathe in the sunlight # Don't mind if rain falls

# Take me outside # Sit in the green garden

# And I'll fly on the wings of a butterfly

# High as a tree top and down down again

# Putting my bag down # Taking my shoes off

# Walking a carpet of green velvet # Dance in my garden like we used

# Dance in my garden like we used # I know wherever you go

# Wherever you take me, I'll go # I know wherever you go

# Wherever you take me, I'll go # I know wherever you go,

# Wherever you take me, I'll go # I know wherever you go

# Wherever you take me, I'll go # I know wherever you go

# Wherever you take me, I'll go # I know wherever you go

APPLAUSE Gorgeous. Come and join me.

APPLAUSE Absolutely stunning. Laura Mvula,

everybody. Michael, Sarah, that's Mark down

the end there. Steady. Steady. LAUGHTER

Now, I can't believe it, is it true, that's your first TV performance?

Yes. You are as cool as a cucumber.

APPLAUSE It is such a pretty song. I loved

the last single She as well and this new album is out on the 4th

March Arthe Green -- and the Green Garren is on the -- garden is on

the 4th February. -- 24th February. We are looking for a young emy

Sandy -- Emily Sandy, we got her. We got her. You have You have made

it now. Really, OK? You have made it. Depressing, isn't it? You

dreamt so big. This is it! LAUGHTER

But like everybody, you were a resiptionist and -- receptionist

and you decided to be a music supply teacher? I didn't quite

decide like that. I kind of fell into it. That sounds bad... But you

thought you would enjoy it because it would combine music with helping

children. And it was a great challenge.

LAUGHTER Yeah, I found it pretty tough. I

wasn't a great teacher, I don't think.

Will there be kids watching going, "Oh my god, is it that woman we

used to throw stuff at? Oh, she is a singer.". It must be lovely now.

Are you planning tours? Yeah. I'm going to tour with Jessie Ware in

March which is exciting for me... You don't need her! Well, I think

she's amazing. She is all right. No, she is very good. She is very good.

Listen, congratulation and good luck with the album. I'm going to

spend money and buy it! Unless it is sen to me!

-- sent to me! Let's pay a visit to the big red

chair. Who Have we got? Hello. Oh god. Oh god. It is that time.

You look lovely, what's your name? Megan.

Where are you from? From Dublin. This is going to be a short

section! Brace yourself, Megan. What do you

do in Dublin? I am a nurse. I live here now.

She is a nurse. You poor thing... Nurse your own wounds. Why is she

nursing? She is just wasting her nursing time sat there.

A woman as attractive as she is. They are sick. They are in the

hospital. They see a attractive young woman. Being some sort of

like reality star... She sat in a chair. I don't think she is trying

to be a star. She said she decided to be a

nurse... She is a nurse. She said four words.

She said, "I am a nurse." LAUGHTER

She went out to a club with Prince Harry.

Bring her back. Bring her back. Thnchts is a. This is a redemption

story. It is her again. Her again? It is

the nurse again. She is is back! I'm back.

I don't like her disposition. is a nurse. Hi. Hi, thanks for that.

Quick. A couple of months I was at the gym, a full face of make-up

on... Why you would wear make-up to the gym?

If you are going to go to the gym, work out and exercise and inspire

people that need to exercise. It is OK to go to the gym. You are not

going to compete, wearing make-up to the gym. Bring her back. I like

her! LAUGHTER

Give her another shot. OK, we are we are bringing her back.

We are, we are bringing her back. She is a bit bruised!

But she is still game. OK, so you were at the gym. So I am at the gym

in my make-up...? Why? Let it go. Let it go.

So I had my tightest top on and I noticed a group... Bring her back.

Why would she wear her tightest top with make-up? Why?

LAUGHTER To look very attractive.

OK, bring her back. OK. Here she is.

She has got whiplash now. OK, I'm looking after you! You are wearing

a tight top and you are covered in make-up. We disagree with all of

that, but on you? The purpose of all the make-up was in case I met

Prince Charming at the gym. I I was looking at this really good looking

group of guys that was standing nearby. I start doing my push-ups

and I try to look up to give him like a little smile, but what

happened was I fell off the fitness and caused runner onted treadmill,

to fall on top of me and I turned around the guys had walked away.

That's all we have time for. Thank you so much to my guest,

Laura Mvula. APPLAUSE

Michael Fassbender. APPLAUSE

Sarah Silverman. APPLAUSE