Episode 16 The Graham Norton Show

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

Tonight I am joined by one of Britain's favourite chefs. I will

need a generous helping of laughter. A sprinkling of surprise.

And a huge dollop of crazy excited APPLAUSE

Welcome, all. You are very welcome. Lovely to see you all. It's going

to be a different kind of show this week. Yes, all my guests are sober!

Fingers crossed. Hurt Locker and Avengers star, Jeremy Renner is on

the show. APPLAUSE

Beautiful British actor, Gemma Arterton is here.

The hilarious math Lucus is on the show.

The nation's favourite cook, Delia Smith is here.

APPLAUSE And we've got music from the

brilliant Rita Ora. So cool.

It's a big welcome to the show for Gemma Arterton. Look at her there.

Even in a simple outfit she looks great. Not the only one of my

guests who looks fantastic in a white wrap.

Gemma was the Bond girl Strawberry Fields. Oh, I tell you those Bond

girls get hotter and hotter. Well, mostly. What I love about the Bond

films is the cars. Those two- seaters with with bullet proof

glass. I think I know where one is The Pope has resigned. It's not

known where the Pope is going to spend his retirement but there is a

rumour he is heading off off to Spain.

Great to finally have Delia Smith on the show. She's been a

bestselling cookery writer since the '70s. Here is one of her first

books. Full of ideas, including how do use a pudding bowl to cut your

mayor! I especially like Delia's book One

is Fun. It's full of meals for one. Here is Delia with the ingredients

for an individual beef lasagne. Let's get some guests on.

Later we will have music from Rita Ora.

First, welcome math welcome Matt She is a fairytale guest, Gemma

Arterton. You have changed. It is a different

outfit. You two are going to get pissed

tonight. No I am drinking diet coke. I am just start to go drink

actually. That is what they said last week. They only had one glass

of red wine last week and look what happened. Welcome to the show, star

of Hurt Locker, Avengers, is this the end of the Hansel and Gretel

world tour. Yes. You have been everywhere. Yes. It is hard

travelling but you don't sleep on planes very well, do you? No, I

don't know if you guys sleep on planes, I can't. There was an

incident where I had to fly from London to LA to meet Katherine big

low for the Hurt Locker so I had to sleep. I was looking for anybody

who had pills. My friend gave me some pills, got a glass of wine,

cool. Awesome. Then realised nothing is working as we took off.

Something else was happening. It wasn't it was a Viagra. Not only

did I not sleep for 12 hours... All the flight attendants had a

nice laugh, like you just did. I was not happy about it at all. "Can

I get you anything Mr Renner?" And I was like, yes, ice. I was so

embarrassed at first. In the end I'm like, whatever. I was on that

flight and I am now pregnant. have visions of you trying to get

your tray table down! Are you surprised to hear that

Jeremy has trible sleeping? Yes, because you seem to be able

sleeping? When? When we were shooting Hansel and Gretel, you

were asleep all the time. On the set, because I wasn't sleeping at

night. Not because of Viagra. had to finish the box! Matt, are

you all right, this week you have been a victim of crime. I was

mugged this week, a couple of nights ago. I was actually mugged a

couple of nights ago, in a pub, and with a friend, and... You can't get

mugged in a pub. I got mugged in a pub, where were you? What happened?

Let me tell you the amusing anecdote. I was in a pub with a

friend, and an old lady came in selling flowers, and she was of

eastern European decent, no racial thing to be, she just was, I'm not,

she was. But she was like a very Dickensian impoverished "Please buy

flowers, please, please ", they weren't good flowers, they were

very dry. It was a first date, it would have been a bit previous to

buy. So I said no thank you, but she wouldn't go away. I thought all

right, I don't want any flowers but I will give you money. I didn't

have any coins, but I had a �5 note, I thought I am on television, I

will give her �5. What she did was she put the flowers down and

started kissing my hands in this sort of thank you so much, kiss my

friend's hands. I thought I will do a comedy things, pick up the phone

and say "Mum you can come back in now" and I went for the phone and

it wasn't there. I thought, hello, impoverished wrech has had my phone.

I ran out of the pub dramatically, my friend said it was quite a camp

run, and I saw the woman and I shoved her against the wall and I

said give me the phone. She went, no, I said give me the phone. She

said no. She tack the phone out from under the floors as if she

didn't know it was there. I didn't know. Give me the money. "Not the

money ". She gave me the money back and I thought some of her

accomplices might be around. As I ran away I ran through a crowd of

people who had gathered and all they saw was me shove an old woman

up against a wall, saying give me the phone, give me the money. Some

people think I have mugged an old woman. I actually got the phone

back, I got the money back. What a good ending. And I got the two

crappy flowers. It was a good mugging.

APPLAUSE Jeremy and Gemma, we must talk

about Hansel and Gretel, top of the US box office. Congratulations.

It opens here on 27th February. It seems an unlikely idea. Hansel and

Gretel, the story we know, but about 15 years later. Exactly.

us about it? Don't get all angry. We have issues. A bit kick assy. It

is a fairytale, it's gory. It is definitely, don't take your clirn

to see it, unless you want to put them in therapy. It is for adults.

There is a lot of cursing and blood. You have done this stuff before.

But when you have been in big things like clash of the Titans and

Prince of Persia, you were damn sell in distress. Is this the first

time you have done proper kick ass fighting. That was one of the

reasons I I wanted to do the film. I have always wanted to punch

people. Did Jeremy help you in your fighting scenes by showing you,

what is it called, the warm up exercises. The lunge. The deep

lunge. Did you invent this? didn't invent the lunge, man.

a special lunge, don't you do a funny thing. It is special to me,

because when I get nervous with talk shows or awards shows, you are

around a bunch of people you think you know but you don't, so I get

nervous. So I stretch, I have to make an ass of myself, do deep

lunges and I told Tom Cruise this story and I had to present and I

was doing the reverse deep lunge and I nearly Clint Eastwood and I

felt bad, because he's tall. He said "What are you doing, boy?"

Don't mind me! He laughed about it. We had to put it in Mission:

Impossible. Were you doing them out the back there? Yes. Did you see

him do them sno No I was in the dressing room. I did see him, I was

looking through the... Can you demonstrate a bit? Do a bit of

lunging? It's really simple and reverse deep

lunge like this. Very good. It's like 1970s dancing, lovely. Let's

watch a bit. This is the first time we meet the two of you as adults

and witch-hunters. Let the girl go, or I'm going to

blow your sheriffs brains all over these hill billies. My name is

Gretel. This is my my brother Hansel. Anyone harms this woman,

you will have me to deal with. Now go home. Go! Listen sheriff...

better listen, I am not going to help this bitch and a scrouned rel

of a brother coming into my town. APPLAUSE

Excellent. You know what that makes me think of, not Hansel and Gretel.

That is an excellent headbutt. you know. You are quite a violent

person, aren't you? Yes, I like to defend myself, if in a predicament.

Were you filming Hansel and Gretel when a man groped you. Yes.

won't be doing that again. I was in Germany and I was one of those ATM

cash machine rooms they have, with the door. There was this tramp in

there. He kept looking at me dodgy, I thought oh, dear, here we go. He

grabbed my bum really hard, so I turned round and punched him in the

face. Like a proper bunch? I was doing Hansel and Gretel, so I was

learning how to do a proper punch. I punched him and then I realised I

punched a tramp in the face. I felt bad. He only wanted to feel my bum.

He did grab your bum. Yes, it was quite close, to the middle section.

Even I know where the middle section is Jeremy. It is in there.

You have had some weird experience with fans. Were you in a bar,

talking about the story where there were a lot of women around you.

there was a situation where - this is right after I did a movie called

Domer, it was a long time ago. We were in a bar, just finished

playing with my band mates and we were in a bar having a good time,

with a table with a bunch of gals and they were all looking over at

us. They came over and started talking to us. There was one girl

who wanted to talk about Domer. I thought, OK, talk about that and

then I stopped and ignored her. She got very upset, so she kept tapping

me on the shoulders, hi. A half hour of that, she stopped tapping

and then just bit my arm. Proper bite. I had a short sleeved shirt

on. Why? I was playing drums in a band. She is like "I got your

attention now ". I'm out of here. I went out to smoke a cigarette and

realised there was bleeding down my arm. This confirms that you people

are scum. We are very vulnerable. APPLAUSE

In terms of Hollywood, Matt Lucas here, you have become... Hi, I'm

Matt Lucas. You are a leading man, your first American movie leading

man. I done a film in the Americas. It's small Apartments, it's

American. 22 March. What is it about? This is a very... What did

you say It says here "What about?" I will tell you what about, it's

about hour-and-a-half! It is a strange film all about a

peculiar man, played by me, who lives in an apartment block and you

discover his landlord is lying dead on the floor, and throughout the

film you discover did my character kill the landlord or not, will he

get framed for it, it is a mystery. I have had to do an American accent.

I got a bit worried about it, so I had a dialect coach and then I

stayed in dialect, not in character, because that would be mental, but I

stayed in dialect for the whole of each shooting day. I had to text my

mum to say I am going to be calling you in a minute, but I am going to

be doing an American accent when I do. Then I called and forgive my

accent, I am out of practice now, hey mom and she said oh, good day,

mate. What did you think of the American accent? It sounded pretty

good to me. I think yours is pretty good, too. You do an American

accent in Hansel and Gretel. I do. In America, people think you are

posh, they think you have a posh English accent. She ain't posh,

mate, no offence, that is a joke. Was it Prince of Persia you went in.

I had to play a Princess in that one, and the director was really

posh, and he said "Can you do posh?" And I said I went to the

Royal Academy of dramatic fucking art, so I can do anything. He went

"I love it, you've got the job". the movie, great cast, great

American accent, costume budget appears to be low. I did something

stupid, because I got bored, and I thought if I am I am being honest

on one of those days I don't go out and I am living on my own and no-

one comes around, I don't bother to get completely dressed. Do you?

I do. I don't, I am going to be blunt. I think clothes are an

aeffectation, so I did most of the movie in my underpants.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.

APPLAUSE Yoo When I realised I made a

mistake, they had a screening and people kept coming up to me and

saying you are a very brave actor. Then I watched a clip of the film

and I thought I see what you mean now, I am just a fat, pale,

hairless man. All you fat pale hairless man fettishests come and

watch this movie! You live with Rebel Wilson, who we know from

Bridesmaids. We got along well and people say to us are you brother

and sister, or husband and wife or are you the same person but we live

together. You get complaints from neighbours. We got one letter of

complaint from the neighbours, we had one night where we went crazy,

I have a piano and we played show tunes, you know one of those nights

where you just play show tunes all night Jeremy. He's lunging quietly.

Do you know who else likes a sing song, Queen of Karaoke, Gemma

Arterton. You love Karaoke. You did it professionally. Is there such a

thing. You should see our X Factor show.

APPLAUSE You worked in a Karaoke bar, but it

was a rough Karaoke bar. Yes, it was a South London gangster bar and

I had a couple of nights there a week, Friday and Saturday night,

Karaoke with Gemma and it became... Welcome to the stage Gemma! It was

a bit dodgy and sometimes it would get a bit fraught in there, and

occasionally I would get threatened and there was one time a guy wanted

to, ten times a night I would hear I want to sing Frank Sinatra My Way.

This guy pulled out a crowbar from his trousers and went for me. I

called the owner, who was called Honest Dave. He got everybody out

and saved me, but he said "If the future next time that happens, what

will work is if you sing my heart will go on by CelineDion because

that chills everybody out. It used to be a a soothing balm over the

gangsters. It used to get a bit fraught and he would go "Gemma, do

Titanic ". You are back on BBC One is the Matt Lucas awards. What

awords are you giving out this time? The Matt Lucas awards is back.

Please contain your excitement, it's embarrassing.

APPLAUSE That was just patronising, I hope

they dub that out. The awards is back but what we did this time was

made two big changes, I know longer decide what wins, we have a jury, a

different jury each week. One week we had four original EastEnders,

nick cotton, Pete Beale and Dr Legg. Dr Legg is still alive? Yes, he is.

I thought he was just a leg, but he is a whole man. You know Dr Legg.

We had sooty sweep and Sue. So that is great. We have a hidden talent

award every week. That gets everybody up. I can sing, I think I

translated the flint stones theme into German, using one of those

online untranslator things, so I think I can sing the Flint stones

in German. (Sings Flint stones theme tune in

German) APPLAUSE

The best bit is when it comes yabba doite

I think I have many hidden talents. It is like you are a contestant on

Miss World now. I have a hyper mobile back. What does that mean?

can tidy up the room with just my feet. I am not going to show you.

What do you mean? I think it is a talent. Will it take you an hour to

get those shoes off. It's like laundry. Glass is hard. Could you

pick up that bunch of grapes. I'm balancing on one foot here.

Look at her go, it's like planet of That's very good. I do it sometimes

when I am on the phone or something, and oh God I need to tidy up.

mum does that. Can you remind me not to eat those grapes later on.

Any hidden talents? Not that I am sharing. The acting? The acting is

very good, that is what my mum would say. Whenever I go to the

theatre with my mum, she sits next to me and says "You could play that

role" does your mum say that? What is worse being forced to spend

Valentine's Day with your partner or being alone and single. It is

obviously the forced bit. Part Part of this dislike of Valentine's Day

comes from not having anyone to share it with?

How long have you been single? years now. What is your type?

don't have a type? Yes, when they have the little thing in between

their legs. Time to meet my next guest. She has

sold over 21 million cook books and become so famous that doing a Delia

entered the Collins English drinksary -- Collins English

Dictionary. Look at you all show business.

You look fabulous. It's not me, I got people out the back that do it.

It's worked a treat. Delia is back and is a woman on a mission. You

are quite campaigny at the moment. I am. Tell us all. I have spent

several years seething. Let it out, lady. Because people don't know

about home cooking any more, and I have spent a long time trying to

teach them how to do home cooking but now it's all gone to ready

meals, supermarkets and I don't know, I just feel we have got to

get back to the kitchen and I am sick of hearing we are in a

recession, we can't afford anything. It's half the price to cook. I want

to teach people to cook and I'm going to. I'm going to do it.

are taking your campaigning lessons online. That's right. So that

people can do it slowly, you can stop it and pause it and come back

to it. It is an online cookery school which means I can teach

people directly in their homes, any time, on the bus, anywhere they

want to, they can learn how to cook. I just feel what we have forgotten

sight of is it is something that has to be taught. You kind of think

it's going online, it sounds like you are making it on your mobile

phone, but the production values are beautiful. We have a taster.

My ambition and my dream is anyone who wants to learn to cook, can. So

we have created an online cockry school to take take somebody by the

hand and lead them through it step by step. And it's absolutely free.

It's very, very exciting. I don't think you could learn really in a

better way. That looks delicious. Graham, I think I have just cum.

did look delicious. Proper food. I get it.

The first one you are doing is baking.

It was a joke. I didn't actually. What a lovely serving suggestion.

Sorry Delia, it's like I have just made a joke and it is like having

your mum over there. The first course, the first lesson you are

doing is baking and to coincide you have re-released Delia's cakes.

because it was a book I did in 1977. It never went out of print but it

kind of needed updated a bit. We have updated it. I thought to start

with cakes would be good because I think young people will be

attracted to want to cook if it is something really nice at the end of

it. Man, I love the cake. You look at this book, it is beautiful,

lavishly illustrated. Back in 1977, how times have changed. Here is the

book in 1977. There isn't an illustration in it. It's just - how

did people know when it was finished. Just a lump on a plate, I

think that's it. You need the picture, don't you? Seriously, when

that book was first published people did cook at home quite a lot.

It's disappeared slightly. But it is ambitious to make a three tier

wedding cake when that is the only illustrative help there was. A lot

of people have. You have to be able to explain it well. And never have

tasted another one or seen another one.

Really, that is a wedding cake? I use your Christmas step by step

book every Christmas. I am so glad. I love it. What did you cook?

Christmas dinner! Thank God cooking found you Delia,

because up until that point in your life life it hadn't been going that

well. No. Happily you found modelling. No, I did not. You are

being modest. You had a hugely successful career as a model.

on, I worked in a travel agency and they took one picture. It was a

whole photo shoot. I know you have the picture. We do. This is Delia

as a Swimwear model. There she is. That is you, is it?

The bee hive. You look fabulous, look at you. I am almost not gay

any more. All these ladies that worked in the travel agent. They

were people who worked in the agency and they couldn't afford to

do proper smart advertising so we all got together. I would say I

think that lady had too many cups of coffee, she was a little nervous.

She seems hysterical as well. "I'm in my pants". Here is another shot

of you all. You look fabulous. wish I was that slim now. The rest

look at those Daily Mail people with real bodies. Be proud,

somebody proud of your obesity. That is an undergarment at best.

Have you stayed in touch with these ladies? No. They are here tonight!

Working in a travel agency, the travel agency was called Rent A

Villa. You got a free swim suit. 40 years later Delia not just Queen

of the cooking world, you but also a football mogul. Not just a

football fan, she owns a football team. Norwich City. That's right.

Got that right! Some of the ladies are here tonight. I can see them.

These are the wives and girlfriends. Of the footballers. Can you see how

gorgeous they are. They are all a bit embarrassed. Have you all left

your partners male footballers at home? They are going to be screwing

other women. That is what they do. Don't be horrible to the nice

people. Sorry. It is getting a bit tense now. The situation needs to

be diffused. MUSIC: Titanic.

It is music time now, this singer is the golden girl of British pop

with a number one album, three number one singles and three Brit

nominations under her belt. Performing her brand new single

Radioactive, please welcome Rita # Palms to the sky

# I'm feeling it # I'm checking you out in the sweet

desire # I'm coming over to make you mine

# It's a crime, boy, you're so fine # I'm checking you out, boy, it's a

green light # I'm glad you came over, it was

about time # It it feels right boy you're so

fine # This club's Radioactive

# Drop the ball feel the beat this club's Radioactive

# Palms to the sky # We unite

# I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it # We rise tonight

# Moving on me as the world ends # This nuclear heat is a beautiful

# You might not live to tell Air air air air

# This club's Radioactive # Drop the ball let me feel the

feet # This club's radioactive

# Drop the ball let me feel the beat

# Palms to the sky # We unite

# I'm feeling it, feel feel feeling # We rise tonight

# Palms to the sky # I'm feeling it, feeling it, feel,

feel feeling it # We rise tonight.

Hey hey take a look at you # Palms to the Rye

you, you, you and I rerise tonight

# Palms to the sky # Unite

# I'm feeling it I'm feeling it feel, feel,

# We rise tonight # Palms to the sky

we unite # I am feeling it, I feeling it

we rise tonight # We unite

you and I will rise tonight # We unite

you and I will rise tonight # We unite, you and I will rise

tonight # You and I will rise tonight

Come and join me. Thank you so much for that.

Fantastic. I love the production of it. That is the fourth single.

Actually the fifth if you don't include the first one which was DJ

Fresh. I am not including that one. Therefore I am correct.

The rest all went to number one. Yes. Fingers crossed. Of course the

album is selling hot cakes and still out. Next week, three

nominations at the Brits. Can you believe? No, because I have only

just - I didn't know who you were, but now I do. Jeremy asked me

during that song to ask you if you were single. Seriously, he actually

did. Look at his face. The answer is yes, I am. Congratulations on

the Brits. I am really looking forward to it. You are probably

looking for a date for the Brits. When are the Brits Next week, you

are free. It is like the British Grammys. Congratulations, it's

fantastic. Congratulations on everything so far. It is going to

get bigger and better. It is time to have a visit to the

big Red Chair. Who have we got up first. Hello. Where do you live?

live in Surrey. Lovely Surrey. It's gorgeous, really lovely. Just pull

it, would you. No, wait. What do you do? I am a teacher. You haven't

seen anyone flip yes. No. You will. Off you go. This dates back to

1990... Where do they go? Back to obscurity.

There is a big bus outside that says "Obscurity, non-stop ". Hello.

Hi. Are you from the old country? am, Wicklow. Do you live there

still? No, I have lived here for two-and-a-half years. You have

really lops the accent! What do you do here? I am a beauty

therapist. What were you doing there? Treating people. Basically...

She's off. I I am a massage therapist and one day this lady

came in, of the larger scale. She came and she was very, very large.

I get it. She was huge. I start today massage her back, working

away and next minute, a biscuit popped out of one of her rolls.

Thank you to my guests tonight. Rita Ora! Math Matt Lucas. Jeremy