Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight we've got a sexy rock legend, so the ladies are

feeling a bit frisky. Aren't they, Nicky.

Oh, I feel a bit sick. Let's start APPLAUSE

Hello everybody. You are very welcome. Sit yourselves down! Oh,

ladies and gentlemen, we've got a great show tonight. Singing legend

Rod Stewart is on the show! Hollywood beauty, Cameron Diaz is

here. And my favourite comedienne, Sarah Millican is here.

I should let you know cycle fans, we were to have Tour de France and

Olympic champion Bradley Wiggins on the show but this happened. The

good news is he's recovering well. He's fine. I spoke to him earlier

The line was a little muffled, but he seemed fine. Some of the papers,

they are claiming that the accident happened because Bradley got rid of

his famous lucky sideburns. He must get them back, ladies and gentlemen.

But where have they gone? Thrilled, thrilled to have Cameron

Diaz back on the show. I loved Cameron in Charlie's Angels. In

America female crime fighters look like that. In Britain we get this.

"The name's Vera Stanhope, licence to ride buses for free ". Rod

Stewart has also been in the news this week. He was at the football

match where Celtic unbelievably beat Barcelona.

APPLAUSE Look at Rod there, in tears. I know

how he feels. I cry whenever I have to sit through a football match.

Over the years Rod has been friends with all the musical greats, Elton

on, Ringo Starr, Celine Dion, all of them.

Rod, a showbiz legend. And you know the strange thing is he looks

exactly the same now as when he was a boy. Here he is on his first day

at school. "I don't want to go ". I'm only

joking, that is his lovely wife Penny, around the time she was

appearing on Strictly Come Dancing S we have just spotted Bradley

Wiggins' other sideburn! Let's get the guests on.

Yes we do think he's sexy, it's Rod Stuart.

So dashing. Sit yourself down.

And lights, Cameron action it's We met back stage. Were you

chatting? We were chatting. As I said, Bradley Wiggins was supposed

to be here but can't because he was injured, but he's on the mend. If

he is watching, get well soon and s soon s you are fit, you can be back

here on the couch. APPLAUSE

Sarah, you live in that area, do you drive a white van at all?

don't. That would be a coup. think I am going to let you know

about it here. I drive a black car, but I have knocked something over

once. Is now the right time to tell you? What did you knock over?

killed a deer. I'm not proud, I wasn't aiming for it or anything.

But it wasn't fast enough. I gave it a good shot. Where is that

Wiggins gentleman, it's uncomfortable here. Cameron, do you

know who Bradley Wiggins is?? it's crazy but blonde girls, also

blonde women do know who he is. you sure? Yes. Because in this

month's Elle magazine... That is where I learned about who he was.

In this month's Elle magazine Cameron was asked which of the

following was not a type of British beer, bruns wick black Sabbath or

Bradley Wiggins leathery saddle. Which one did you pick? Which one

wasn't the beer. I think I said Bradley Wiggins. No you went with

bruns wick Black Sabbath. Just accept your mistake, darling.

didn't know who he was at that time. It's been painfully rubbed in my

face, actually. A lovely leathery saddle. Someone else who was

recovering from a big shock, we saw you Rod. Don't get me started again.

I think, it was so lovely how emotional you were. Was the idea

there was no way known Celtic to beat Barcelona? They are supposed

to be the best team in the world. They are the best team to watch. To

take them on and beat them is just wonderful. It was a wonderful night

in Glasgow. I thought you would have the footage. Here you go. They

have just won and look at that. Silly old sod!

Who is the big guy beside you? best mate, second hand car dealer

called Big Honest Al. Is that the pinacle of the dream now, or are

you hoping they can go all the way? They can go all the way now, get

into the last 16 of the Champions League, we have a game about

Benfica. That is a Tapas bar somewhere. Then Spartak Moscow,

which time sure Cameron knows about. I know nothing. You are spending

been here a lot. I have made two films here. I made the film gack

bit here two springs ago and I have made, a Ridley Scott's film here.

You are here to tell us about Gambt because its cast, it is you already,

Cameron Diaz is in it, but then it is a role call of great British

acting. Alan Rickman, Colin Firth. Were you freaked out to be in a

movie with these people? Terrified, because they do theatre. They have

a grasp on the English language, they can speak if in as many

different way. I am from Long Beach California, I am linguistically

challenged. It is a difficulty for me to get my thoughts to my tongue.

I have a a lazy tongue, so we talk like this, we don't ever use our

tongue ever. We can't even use your tongue. It was really, like, really

scary to have to like say a lot of words. That is a lazy tongue, by

the way. The mind boggles. Talk us through the plot. It is akm dicaper

involving art. Yes, basically, Colin's character is a curator for

Alan's art collection and Alan is a massive billionaire, and he treats

him terribly. Colin wants to get back at him so he pretends he has a

Monet painting that has been missing and he pretends my

character has had it and her trailer she lives in for Texas that

her grandfather found during World War II. He is trying to have Alan

buy it from me, so he can get the money. It is an old-fashioned-style

comforting humour. Very British. There's big physical jokes in it.

There is a lot of nudity. Is Colin Firth nude at any point? He is from

the waist down, without trausers -- trousers but has shorts on. You see

his legs, it was meant for a comedy bit, his legs and he has very funny

legs. It might spoil the illusion a bit. You want to see Alan Rickman,

there is a lot of Alan in it? is all of Alan in it. That will do.

All of him. Really? You won't leave the cinema saying I wish we had

seen more of Alan Rickman. It opens on 21st 21st November. We have a a

clip. This is when the Colin Firth character comes to Texas and meets

Grandma, here it is, take your pick, plenty of walls to choose from.

Good morning. If you would like to set your camera up there. Perhaps

if your grandmother would move over. Grandma these nice people want to

take a picture here in the house. Good God s she unwell. She's fine.

She just chews. She won't move until this programme is over.

anorexic programme is on next. Perhaps if we could ask her to

slide over a bit, you could both be in the picture. I want to sit next

Could you slide a little closer to your grandmother. Ready ladies, say

You play a cow girl and you filmed at a real rodeo? That's in New

Mexico. We went to New Mexico for that. Tell me, because I laughed so

hard, the monkeys? Real, we hired them. They existed already. They

actually go to rodeos. Monkeys on the back of dogs. They ride dogs at

the rodeo. I think they are teaching them the lasso as well.

You learnt how to lasso. I did. Seriously? Seriously. You say that

outlawed, it is a talk show, you know I will have a rope. Of course

you will. Here it is. Do you know how to hold it? I know how to hold

it. What do you want me to do with it. These people are going what? We

won't use people. I have an idea, what we could do is lasso the large

plastic cow I keep in the studio! Where do you want to do this?

as far as the rope. Let me three it a couple of times before I throw it

to him. Look at you go! The back of this crou is so -- cow

is so anatomically correct! No too close, just the length of

Isn't that good! That is really impressive. My job is fun. I have

the best job in the world, I get to learn things like that. Have we

stolen your shoe? Something happened to my shoe. Have you

hidden her shoe? Got it. That old trick!

Listen, let's talk about Rod Stewart's autobiography. Honest to

God, it is quite the life you have led, sir. The stories in here. I

mean, I blushed a little. Penny, have you read this book? Of course.

Did she know the stories before the book. There's nothing in there that

shocked you. I knew I wasn't marrying a saint. Penny took the

get that glint in your eye there? She wore a very, very short skirt

and no knickers. I am going to get killed when I get home! I didn't

know that. What is unusual throughout the book is, because we

have read books of rock'n'roll excess and stuff, and they normally

end up in quite a dark place. But yours doesn't. You didn't seem to

have any demons, it just seemed you really enjoyed yourself. It is a

sunny book. I was never really - I did drugs but I was never mad on

them. They never upset my life. I never went to rehab. It didn't

interfere with my my marriages. And my children. I never bought any in

my life. When you look at your contemporaries, you must feel lucky.

Absolutely. Here you are, happy and well. Come out really well.

other thing that that shocked me was when you started and when

success hit, the amount of money that was knocking around. It was

instant. You got a beautiful gift for Elton John. It wasn't that

beautiful. Elton and I were really good mates, so he is a very

generous man and I love him dearly. I went into Harrods and saw this

ice box and you press a button and the table comes up and there was

champagne comes out with the glasses and all colourful lights

and froth coming out and it's gorgeous. It was �300, which was a

lot of money in those days. I gave it to Elton. He said here is yours

dear. It was a Rembrandt. How cheap did I feel!

The music world is famous for excess and ram Ron you have been

around the music world. Which do you think is more excessive?

know, I think the music industry is much more flashy. You are usually a

one man show or you are really putting on a show, up on stage, you

have to make it bright and shiny so people will watch. So I think it is

a bit more fancier. Actors want to be in the background. But we have a

lot of cash, we do, yeah. Oh yeah, I saw how worried you were about

that shoe going missing. Where the hell is that shoe. If I don't

return it, I am going to have to pay for it!

APPLAUSE The comedy world, Sarah. It is pretty rock'n'roll to be

honest. There is a bit of money knocking around. I finished my tour

and to celebrate I caught up on the last episode of Downton Abbey and

had a ham sandwich. The ham sandwich had been in my bag all day,

so the mayonnaise had been ify so, it was a bit grazy. I totally got

the shits the next day, who knew! One of my favourite sections in the

book, the story of his life but for a discussion of something.

There is a whole section on your hair. By public demand. It is

signature hair. It is. When you started, it was all your own work

in the beginning. It was before hair driers and Hairspray when I

started this hair cut. I saw guys when I was busking in the '60s and

Paris, so I came home and started doing it. What I used to das put

warm water and sugar in my hair and wait for it to dry. My mum didn't

have an hairdryer. I had to walk a mile to my sister's to dry my hair.

That is how I got it up. The hair, that is. I hear warm water and

sugar gets a lot of things um. gets me up when it's got a teabag

You found a style and my God, there is a picture of you and Freddie

Mercury, and it is the same. It is the same hair. On a theme. But it

is the same hair. Have you ever thought about changing it It would

never sit down. I have tried other hair strils, like yourself. Going

bald! My hair style. You should see Wayne Rooney's doctor. What if it

falls out again. He is a footballer, by the way. Thank you. I say look

at your hair, but we are looking at the outfit. That is a fabulous

picture. Look at the old pump and tool bag there. It is fabulous.

is amazing. Men are the men like you today is what I want to know.

That looks like a good time. Is it true your hair is a barometer of

how you are feeling? Me and rochby were the same, in the Rolling

Stones. I know who he is. When we get sick our hair just collapses.

Does yours? Yes. And yours? I am constantly ill. Is it true you

wanted a Rod Stewart hairdo? first hair cut I ever paid for,

that I actually, my mother didn't cut in the kitchen with the orange

scissors, was she took me to the mall and I ended up walking out

with exactly the Rod Stewart hair cut and I came out with more like

the - I will show you the the picture it was. It's a good plug

for the book. It was this one, more like this hairdo. Super-short on

top and then longer, the crop top. Let's see what you might have

You don't look bad, but have you This is why I don't have an iPhone,

so I don't do the apps on there, because I would be taking pictures

of myself and putting different hair cuts on it. Do you want a go?

I will have a go. We are going in close!

Don't go too close. If you went in a bit closer, you

would have seen the real one. It was a bit Movember. I have

decided time going to do Fanuary. You let it go to rack and ruin down

there. I have a girlfriend who is obsessed with having a 70s bush,

she is obsessed with T when she takes a bath, it literally sways

like sea weed. All of our girlfriends, we are like would you

please just trim it, please, I can't take it any more. Her husband

is in on on it. Has she got a boyfriend She's married. That is

how much he loves her. One time we had a total time we took her into

the bathroom, we pinned her down, we lost our mind, we pinned her

into the shower and one of our girlfriends had a pair of scissors

and a comb and the other three were holding her down and our friend was

hacking away. Is there any footage of that?

That's how much we love her. It was one of the funniest things ever.

love the sea weed thing. It is a lovely time for you to have written

this book, looking back. There was one picture in the book that I

think is such a happy thing. You must be so pleased when you look at

it. It is you, all your kids, your grand kid and then the woman you

love took the picture. She did. That is a lot of children. I didn't

have a television. Then because you are a very hands on father and the

book, you have a great section of tips on parenting. Proper hands-on

tips. Some of them are brutal. Tough love. I like your packed

lunches for your kids. Talk us through that. That is a long story.

I love model rail roads, so what I do with my son, he is only six, I

put in his lunch bag little people, little bit of rail, anything that

throws him. Celtic things. That makes him think of his dad. When he

opens up his lunch. Is there any lunch in there at all?

Not much room for it. I would end up eating the people. Snoot best

one is when your teenager or younger children won't get up,

flood their bedroom with alarm clocks where they can't get them or

a tape of bagpipes outside the door. Sarah Millican, your dad taught you

how to do weird things? Didn't he teach you how to kill a dog. Dog. I

have never done t I have just killed a deer. There was a period

of time when it was the summer when a lot of dogs were going crazing

and it was horrible and there was a lot of kids being attacked by dogs

and I was out playing and he taught me how to use an umbrella to go

under its collar and then twist because that gives you purchase.

The problem was I had to then as a child carry an umbrella everywhere

and then if they don't have a collar on, you have to take a

collar, you have to try and get a collar on it. It's not going to

work. Now you have turned your dad into a celebrity because he is on

the TV show. He loves it. When the first episode he was on aired, the

next day I spoke to him and I said how does it feel. He said I got

recognised today. I said where were you. He said I was at the dentist.

I said that's because that is your dentist. He had been going there

for years. The TV show is going great guns. You are filming another

series now. When is the first one. We have a Christmas special and it

starts again in January. If people can't wait for the Christmas

special, sweet Jesus in heaven, Sarah Millican has a DVD out. This

is the last tour. The tour I have just finished. You love your

touring? I love it. I can't have a DVD out at the same time as the

tour because I have a feeling people would be mouthing along. I

finish touring and I start touring again next September. Where do you

play when you tour? I don't do arenas, I like it in theatres, I

like to be able to see people's faces. The last one we did was at

the Hammersmith Apollo. It is beautiful. All of you have done

well in life. Cameron and Rod, you didn't do brilliantly in school.

You didn't even like music class. hated it. I had no musical

inclinations whatsoever when I was young. Sarah, you were like a model

pew pim. I liked school. Very bookish. I was very bookish. I

didn't have many friends, but I I got all my GCSEs. They are more

important. No they're not. I'm fine. I was always very bookish, even

when I was little. I didn't play out very much. I had an imaginary

line rather. -- library. The books were real, but the customers not so

much. Ji made tickets for them all and I find people. I was harsh. Is

it true you had a T-shirt. My mum bought me a T-shirt that had I love

stool on it and underneath it said when it's closed. I thought I would

get told off by the teachers so I tucked the bottom bit in. So I just

went round with a T-shirt saying "I love school" on it!

There were rumours about you in school. Yes, but that is how you

end up being a comedian. You get bullied at school and you end up

and it helps when you become a comic. I remember the girls used to

shout lesbian at me a lot, you are a lesbian. I got home and I was

it was. I said to my mum, what is a a lesbian, she said oh God, and

then she had a think and she said "It means that you like girls more

than you like boys ". So the next day when they shouted lesbian, I

said "Yes, I am ". Talking of rumours, someone like you Cameron,

because of being in Hollywood, being a star, rumours, always

rumours circulating? Yes. You are currently dating Tom Cruise? I am?

You only wash in Evian. Apparently. There's always some little tiny

truth. Don't be rude about Tom. He's my friend. Steady on there

Norton. The funny thing is that apparently I spent my birthday with

Tom and we're dating. I came in to do the councillor, it was the night

before my birthday, I went down stairs to have a bite to eat in the

hotel, Penelope and Javier were staying there. Tom and Connor were

having dinner with the two of them. They all invited me to sit next to

them because they still like me as a friend because we all know each

other. I sat down with them. Had dinner. At midnight I went I'm 40.

Everybody is like no way. Take a picture. Took a picture. So great

to see you, have fun filming, see you later bla I hadn't seen Tom for

weeks, when all of a sudden we are apparently dating. He's coming

after me. I was like, I can see where they might have gotten that.

The Evian thing started with Demi Moore years before me. I think

Nicole Kidman had it for a while and then I got it. That is just

because I won't wash my face in a trailer, the trailers that we work

out of, the water tanks in there, you don't know know how long they

forever. I am not going to wash my face with that water. I wash my

face with a bottle of Evian. that is not a rumour at all, that's

just true! Yes. It is true. In terms of

rumours, I couldn't believe it when I got to that bit in the book. Rod

Stewart is the source of the Nile ladies and gentlemen. He is the

heard this rumour about so many popstars over the years. I thought

it was Mark alMail on Sunday, I thought he was the source of the

Nile. But it is you. I am going behind this. I can't tell it. I

thought you could tell it. Do you want me to read it out? Do you mean

the one about the sailors. Here we go. I used to have a gay publicist

that work for me and I had to fire him because he did something

terrible and he was a mean bitch. He spread this rumour that I was

with half a dozen sailors in San Diego giving them blow jobs and I

had to go to hospital to have my stomach pumped. I remember hearing

that when I was a child, that rumour. Is this like Cameron's

rumour, that's like a little bit true?! Did you just get it own your

face. I believe we have footage of the first time Rod heard that

Rod, you might like to clear your throat because it is time for music.

Your musical career has had this extraordinary divide, the American

song books came along and you have now got a new one, this is

Christmas, Merry Christmas, Baby. Very exciting in the new year,

after 17 years of not writing your own stuff, you are. There is a new

album coming out, a rock album, I have written is 11 songs for it.

APPLAUSE. We love this stuff but it will be great to hear the old Rod

again. What are you performing tonight? Have Yourself A Merry

Little Christmas. There he goes. In a moment we will

have this week's stories in the famous Red Chair but first it is Mr

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Let your heart be light # From now on our troubles will be

out of sight # Have Yourself A Merry Little

Christmas # Make the Yuletide gay

# From now on our troubles will be miles away

# Here we are as in olden days # Happy golden days of yore

# Faithful friends who are dear to # Through the years we all will be

together # If the fates allow

# Hang a shinin' star upon the highest bough

# And have yourself a merry little # Through the years we all will be

together if the fates allow # Until then we'll try to muddle

through somehow # And have yourself a very merry

Christmas, now Mr Rod Stewart, everybody!

Beautiful job. Gorgeous. Seriously, you have been fantastic

tonight. Thank you so much. Have a seat there.

I think I have something in my throat! Stop.

I don't think there will be stories in the Red Chair to rival any of

Rod's tonight, but you never know. Who is in the Red Chair first? Hi.

Hello. He is in the brace position. He's not feeling confident about

this story. He has the hat on, ready to leave. I am Ade. What do

you do? I work in retail. What sort of retail. Sport. Is it on a high

street at all? It is in a shopping complex. Is it a major chain?

Tomorrow when you get in, they will be thrilled you didn't mention them.

They will say thank you, too many people come into this shop looking

for sports equipment. Thank you for keeping on the down-low. It's

Saturday, come on, we are busy enough. Off you go.

When I was younger, a couple of years back, I was flicking through

some dirty channels, it had to happen. Dirty channels Rod.

Flicking through and gradually I got board with them so I thought

let me change the channel and all of a sudden the TV froze in a

compromising position with a woman. I was trying to disconnect the box,

trying to restart it, but it didn't, so I thought if I go to sleep, try

and wake up it will be gone. My grandma came down and wants to

watch the news and gets a bit more than what she asked for. Is that

the end of your dirty story. It is. Thank you very much.

One more. Hi. What is your name? What do you do? I am a student.

What do you study? History. Just general or specialising? Witch

craft at the moment. Very hal web. -- Hallowe'en. I managed to get on

a date with this really fit bloke. Whoo hoo. You are selling witch

craft. That just came out of my mouth. You are telling a story and

you are going to get a cash prize. We were half way through the

starter and I had garlic bread, I didn't realise we lent over

spontaneously for a snog and Ibelched straight in his mouth. He

asked me out for a second date. didn't belch the second time.

rude to her, I I can't believe I was so rude. I am normally so nice.

We are We are so nice. Zchb I say that when I am watching television,

have the power to cut it, if you want to. They won't cut it, it's

hilarious, I am pretending to be Thank you to my guests tonight,

Sarah Millican, Rod Stewart and Cameron Diaz.