New Year's Eve The Graham Norton Show

I'm so excited! Only an hour and 25 minutes to go until midnight.

So, let's start our countdown, everyone!

GRAHAM AND AUDIENCE: 5,400,

5,399,

5...

This is going to take for ever. Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Oh!

Hello, everybody!

Whoa!

Thank you for joining us on New Year's Eve!

Oh!

And what a way to bring in the new year.

Hollywood megastar Tom Cruise is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He is joined by his Jack Reacher co-star,

Rosamund Pike, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The brilliant Billy Crystal is on the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

X-Man and heart-throb Hugh Jackman is here!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Top comic John Bishop is on the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Plus, we have a pair of delights from The Great British Bake Off -

Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry are here!

I know, I know, I know!

And, and if that wasn't enough,

later on, we'll be having music and chat from Pink!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know!

Phew!

Phew. Oh.

Is it midnight yet? I'm exhausted.

I tell you, what a thrill to finally have Tom Cruise on the show!

Yes, he's here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tom's perhaps most famous for the Mission Impossible films.

Ooh! They're good. You remember the famous heist scene?

The heist scene?

Yeah, there it is.

Oh, amazing, isn't it?

Mind you, I mean, who wouldn't look cool dangling from a wire?

LAUGHTER

The Mayor of London.

He's in charge.

Tom, he's such a shaker and a mover.

He's even good friends with David Beckham, everyone.

Yes, he is, yeah.

In fact, in fact...

David even managed to get him tickets

to see Victoria performing her greatest hits live.

LAUGHTER

OK! Let's get my first set of guests on!

They're the stars of the new Jack Reacher movie.

It's Rosamund Pike!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

-Hi.

-Hello, you lovely thing.

-Hello! It's so lovely to meet you.

-You look beautiful.

-Come in and sit down, just there.

-In the middle?

-Wherever you want!

Thank you!

And he's the biggest movie star in the world.

It is the one, the only, Mr Tom Cruise!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-Nice to be here.

-Please, come in and sit down.

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

-Oh!

Oh, how...

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-He's real!

-I know!

It's like I'm having some weird, out-of-body thing.

"Then I had this weird dream and, like, "Tom Cruise is on the couch."

LAUGHTER

You're both very welcome.

-Thank you for having us.

-This is odder than I thought it would be.

Do you ever get over the fact that it's Tom Cruise?

Basically, my expression through the whole movie is,

"Oh, it's Tom Cruise!"

-He really is, you know.

-It's Tom Cruise!

He's walked straight off all those movies that you would have seen,

and then he looks just the same. It's amazing!

And it's incredible to think of three decades

-at the top of your game.

-32 years. Thank you.

-It's phenomenal.

And this is apropos of nothing but I was a kid and I went to America,

and the first movie I saw in America

was an audience test screening of Risky Business.

-Come on. Really?

-I had to fill in the card.

I could have wrecked your career!

Yeah!

-Well, thank you. I'm sure you didn't. I appreciate it!

-Yeah, yeah.

But no, but that was kind of...

That was the beginning, really, Risky Business, wasn't it?

Do you remember kind of the moment when fame hit and you thought,

"Oh, actually, I can't arrange

"to meet a friend outside a coffee shop anymore,"

you know, your life changed? Do you remember your life changing?

Yeah, I remember right after...

Yeah, it did. Right after Risky Business, it changed a lot.

And then Top Gun, it was...

AUDIENCE: Ooh! GRAHAM LAUGHS

Ooh!

It was very different.

He said "Top Gun."

LAUGHTER

I feel like we shouldn't ask any questions.

We'll just sit here and look at him for a while!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Now, Tom Cruise,

you are legendary for the amount of time you spend with your fans

and the signings, and all that time.

Now, when you meet your fans,

you've got this huge back catalogue of movies,

so do people want you to, like, do lines from the movies?

-Do they do catchphrases?

-Yeah.

Is there any particular catchphrase they always want to hear?

Well, there's different ones from different films.

You know, sometimes, they'll ask,

or they actually kind of shout it at me sometimes, you know.

Is there one that's top of the list?

There's not, like, one, no.

-Basically, I'm saying do some.

-Oh, OK, all right, OK.

-I'm sorry, yeah!

-30 years in the business!

-Good, good.

30 years in the business!

Amuse us with some catchphrases!

OK, I get it now. I get it. I get it.

I'm a little slow, but I catch on.

Do you want the audience to shout some?

AUDIENCE: Yeah! What's that?

MAN IN AUDIENCE: "Show me the money!"

OK.

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Jerry Maguire, "You complete me."

Yeah, you complete me. You had me at "Hello?"

You complete me? CHEERING

You complete me.

-Aww.

-Help me help you.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I want the truth.

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

Feel the need for speed.

It's Tom Cruise, everyone!

Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the..."

-Yeah!

-Risky Business.

-Yeah!

Aww, Risky Business.

-I know!

-10.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's very nice of you to join us on New Year's Eve...

-No, thank you for having me.

-..and kick off the show.

And obviously, you're here to talk about Jack Reacher,

which you're both in. And every kind of Tom Cruise...

it's a big event

and Londoners got a taste of that recently

-when you shut the city down!

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes.

Some bloke there going, "Yes!"

"It was very inconvenient.

"I like him! But it was annoying."

No, Trafalgar Square!

-Has anyone ever done that before?

-No.

It's for the opening of this film I'm shooting now, All You Need is Kill.

And it's going to look fantastic in the movie.

-It's sort of all real.

-It was an amazing experience.

Cos I've walked through there and drove past it,

and then to land that helicopter, flying with the RAF, I was...

I blew the first take cos I was smiling too much!

When I got up, I was, yeah,

I was so kind of thrilled by the whole experience

of flying over London, and low around Big Ben.

It's a great opening to the movie.

Can I just interject?

Cos when Tom says, "When I landed the helicopter,"

-he means, "When

-I

-landed the helicopter!"

He doesn't mean when the pilot landed the helicopter,

he means he did it. He flies planes, this man.

He drives, he flies planes.

All the sequences of car chases in our movie,

it's all Tom driving.

-It's unreal.

-That IS incredible.

Thanks.

That was fun.

When...

And when you see the movie, you'll understand just how incredible.

It's not just like, you know, we can all drive.

People are going, "Yeah, Rosamund, so, he drives a car."

-This is wild, wild.

-Anyway, we're here to talk about Jack Reacher.

And Jack Reacher, hugely popular character.

-Is it 17 novels or something?

-17.

So, you play Jack, and you play Helen Rodin.

-I do.

-Jack and Helen.

And you're the defence attorney?

Yes.

And it's not quite a romance, but there's...

-..there's chemistry, I would say.

-Yes, there is definitely chemistry.

There's a romance chemistry, not...

We kind of wanted to do a male-female dynamic

that sort of wasn't about sex,

but kind of was.

It's all about sex.

-It's all about sex.

-It's always about sex!

We watched a lot of films like The Thomas Crown Affair,

-and films where there's sort of...

-There's heat.

..there's more than just boy and girl

-and she's more than just the love interest.

-No, yeah.

Now, obviously,

you are English, clearly.

-Yes.

-And you're very, very good in the movie, do not get me wrong.

You're excellent.

But if I was a beautiful, blonde, American actress watching the film,

I might slightly think,

"That bitch. What's she doing in the film?"

-Can you say that on television here?

-Bitch?

-Yeah!

-I've said worse things in rehearsal!

-Have you?

-What else did you call me, Graham?

-No, I was just...

What else did he say?

No, I was just channelling.

I was channelling what a beautiful, blonde American actress might think.

So, how did it happen that you ended up going for Rodin?

We wanted her for it. She came in and we met, and...

Great actress, very beautiful, cinematic.

And when she came in, it was like we just wanted her in the film.

But you were five months pregnant filming this movie.

Well, by the end, not the whole way through, obviously, cos...

Yes, time passes.

Time passes.

Yeah, I have a secret stowaway in the film, which is quite cool.

-It's beautiful.

-But as the producer,

you're one of the producers, Tom, when you found out...

He thought about firing me, but I was pretty hard to get rid of.

No, no. Actually, you know what?

For insurance reasons, they came and they said,

"Look, you know, maybe we should replace her,"

but there's no way we were going to replace her.

So, what we were able to do was, I would shoot with her during the day

and then I would do the stunt car chase at night.

So, there were some days that we shot 36 hours,

and I had a 48-hour time

where I was shooting first unit with Rosamund

and then second unit at night, doing the car chases.

This man would come to work with one hour's sleep,

looking pretty much the same!

You had to be very patient with me sometimes, cos I was...

There was one shot. I think maybe only one shot.

-No, at the bus stop. When we were at the bus stop.

-At the bus stop?

Actually, I was so tired, it was 36 hours,

and I had that whole monologue when I'm leaving the bus station.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I only had enough energy for the take

so they would roll camera,

and then I would wake up and do the take,

and then fall back asleep again.

LAUGHTER

Well, we've got a clip,

and this is you and Rosamund,

and you may be awake or asleep in this scene,

we're not sure.

Yes! I'll tell you.

You're working for me, do you understand that?

So everything you do is a reflection on my firm, on me.

I was set up.

You're talking to a lawyer.

There was this girl.

She came on to me, picked a fight.

Oh, which never happens in a bar.

She was thrown when I told her my name.

-She was expecting Mike Tyson?

-She wasn't expecting Jimmie Reese.

Yankees second baseman.

Why'd you say you were a Yankees second baseman?

I always use Yankees second baseman.

I didn't say I was a Yankees second baseman,

I just said...

Look...

..the point is, she was expecting to hear Jack Reacher.

She knew who I was.

The cops were rolling before the fight even started.

And those five guys are her brothers? Come on.

Someone sent those boys to put me down.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You see that look there, right? The look that goes...

That's the kind of...the Tom Cruise.

We want to talk a bit more about the stunts,

cos we mentioned the car chase.

Seriously, you did all the driving in that?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-But who let's you do that?

-He's the producer.

I know, but there must be other producers!

There must be other producers who kind of go, "No!"

Can someone say no to you?

Yeah, if they... AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But you'll ignore them.

Yes.

And what is it now? Is it just like a badge of pride?

No, it really has to do with storytelling.

That...

I mean, as a kid, I was always kind of doing different stunts.

Like, I lived in Canada for a while and I would do flips off the house

into the snow,

and I'd create characters and stories for my family

to really try to make them laugh.

And I'd create a ramp

and ride my bike across and try to jump over, you know...

..ditches, and stuff like that.

But I feel that..

..that, you know, acting,

you're bringing everything, you know,

physically and emotionally to a character in a story,

and I'm able to do it,

and I've trained for 30 years doing things like this,

that it allows us to put cameras in places

where you normally are not able to do,

because...

So, when I started producing Mission Impossible,

I started developing different...

..action with the action around what I could physically do

and train to be able to do.

And I used to, you know...

I raced cars for Paul Newman's race team.

-Oh yeah.

-I raced cars for him for a couple of years,

and I've just always loved fast cars and motorcycles

and hiking and climbing and...

jumping and aeroplanes and...

We've got some stills from the Mission Impossible series.

There's that, then there's the really difficult one,

I was going to say, "The really difficult one," like that's easy.

That's you just climbing a building, er...

You know, people wash windows. I don't know.

The one on the...

Like, how do you even get in that?

Like, did someone lift you up?

No, I actually climbed down.

That hurt. That one hurt, actually.

You can see my head back because it was quite painful,

because I had to hold it.

There was a helicopter coming around to try to get in position,

and it took them a while to figure out the composition,

so I had to hold it a little longer than I wanted to.

And does Tom Cruise, the man... I mean, are you scared?

Are you terrified?

No. I mean, no.

There's moments where the adrenaline is going,

like on the Burj, when I went off the building.

There's times in Reacher...

The stuff that we were doing was very technical

and, you know, I have a camera over my shoulder

and we're being chased by a camera car that's a pursuit car,

so that a lot of the stunts, when you see,

that we have the basic geography of it,

but sometimes, things go wrong,

and a lot of the stuff that went wrong is in the movie...

When you're seeing it, it's things, you know...

..and went wrong in a way that no-one was injured or hurt badly.

And... LAUGHTER

-I had to qualify that!

-You really did, didn't you?

You're thinking, "Oh, what about Mike?" Yeah.

No, I got into it today. OK.

No, no-one was hurt badly.

No-one missed a day of work!

Did you see Tom on that show? Yeah, "No-one got hurt!"

Exactly.

And, Rosamund, were you, originally,

were you supposed to be in any of these action scenes,

and just sort of had to pull out because of Solo?

No, no. No, I wasn't.

She'd be great at it! She's a terrific driver.

I had to do my one little bit of driving, which is...

I mean, in some ways, it might look slight in the movie,

but the thing I had to do is I had to reverse out of a parking lot,

put the car into gear, drive incredibly fast,

stop dead because I've nearly run over my co-star, right?

And when your co-star is Tom Cruise, it somehow puts an extra pressure.

Not that it wouldn't be bad to run anybody over!

Yeah, some people.

No, no, you're very valuable, Tom.

You know, the insurance claim would be unaffordable.

Yes. And it's all that stuff about actors,

it's important you trust each other, it's a trust exercise,

but like, if someone's driving a car towards you,

that's a lot of trust!

Well, I trust her with the driving, but I did have a stunt guy saying,

"OK, if she passes this mark, jump this high."

We figured out like I was going to be on the windshield of the car.

-So, you had planned for her hitting you?

-I had planned, just in case!

-Just in case!

-Just in case.

If you hit the accelerator instead of the brake, I was ready.

I didn't want her to feel bad.

Now, I've never met you before, you've never been on my show before,

but because of who you are,

whenever I have a guest, like if Rosamund was here,

I'd be saying, "What was it like working with Tom Cruise?"

And, you know, friends of mine have been and things,

and you always say, "What's he like?"

And people are extraordinary, and you're probably aware of this,

but they don't just say, "Oh, he's nice," they GUSH.

Like, I have never heard a bad word about you.

I mean, you are just universally loved

by the people who work with you.

And yet, the press can,

I think, the press give you quite a hard time.

Is that frustrating for you?

It must be frustrating.

There, I've said it.

I've answered your question. It's frustrating.

I've finished your interview for you.

Don't thank me.

But seriously, it must get under your skin!

No, actually, I...

You know what? It's something that I realised you just have...

It just is what it is.

And, you know, I remember talking with Newman, and he said,

"You know what? You can't ever pay attention to white noise."

You know, and just...

I think about that, you know.

You just have to live your life and...

..do your work and...

..just do the best you can.

Wise words for this New Year's Eve,

and I know a lot more people have now just fallen in love with you.

So, you're dashing off,

but Jack Reacher, it's in cinemas now,

and here is Mr Tom Cruise in action.

It's your last chance to walk away.

-Are you kidding? It's five against one.

-It's three against one.

How do you figure?

Once I take out the leader, which is you,

I'll have to contend with one or two enthusiastic wingmen.

Last two guys? I always win.

Remember...

..you wanted this.

OK.

You're OK. Get up.

HE GROANS

OK, now we know who's who.

Let's get this done.

Really?

SIRENS WAIL

Wow! Fantastic!

Ladies and gentlemen, what a great start to the show!

Rosamund Pike and Mr Tom Cruise!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for having us.

Please come and see us again. Lovely lady! Mwah, mwah!

There they go!

Thanks very much.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, very good! Very good! All right! All right!

Settle! Settle yourselves, audience.

It's all very well...

..but now, I hope you all remember what you rehearsed.

Do you? Do you?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I hope so, because in honour of one of my next guests,

the audience prepared a little surprise,

and we have a live band standing by backstage.

There they are. Hello, Sandy and the band!

-BAND: Hello!

-What a lovely shrug!

And...

..Sandy, Sandy, can you give the audience their note?

Yeah. Chord of A.

BAND PLAY CHORD OF A

-Everyone got that?

-HUMS IN CHORD OF A

-Hold that!

-AUDIENCE HUM IN CHORD OF A

Hold that in your heads, OK?

If you mess this up...

If you make me look stupid in front of those celebrities,

-I'll be...!

-MURMURS ANGRILY

Right! It's time for my next set of New Year's guests.

My prayers have been answered! It's funnyman John Bishop!

Hello, sir!

How are you doing?

Nice to see you.

Have a seat. Have a seat!

There he is.

He's an absolute gem. It's Billy Crystal!

Hello, sir. Very good to see you.

Have a seat. John, Billy. Billy, John.

And bring him home, it's Hugh Jackman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's very good to see you!

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Oh! Lovely to see you.

Look at them, all excited in their Christmas jumpers. Very good.

Did you order tea?

-I did.

-Oh, OK.

But...

Is that the whisky one? Yeah, good.

-It is New Year's Eve and I'm slightly regretting it.

-That's true.

I think my Australian passport might be revoked any minute.

And now, I have to say, I'm feeling very confident tonight.

It's a sofa full of hosts.

-Yes.

-Cos, Mr Crystal,

was it nine times you've hosted the Oscars?

-I've been accused of that, yeah.

-Nine times!

-Yes.

-Wow.

-No.

I've read, as you travel the world, that's what your recognised for

even more than the movies you've been in.

A lot of times, yeah, they'll call me Oscar.

They actually will call me Oscar.

I have to stand like this.

-Cos, Hugh, you've done it once.

-Once, yeah.

Can you enjoy it, or is the whole evening spent going, "Oh, my God"?

Yeah, you know, the worst thing about it,

I don't know if you found this,

when I went for my first production meeting,

they said, "Great, Hugh, we're very excited."

And they gave me a one-sheet page to talk about the show.

It had, "Segment One - Hugh Jackman opening, 7-8 minutes?

"Commercial Break One. Segment Two..."

I'm like, "OK, can we just stop there for a second?

"What do I do in this 7-8 minutes?" "Don't worry, it's up to you."

And I was like, "OK, you know I'm not Billy Crystal, right?"

And when I'd sort of sorted out that first 7-8 minutes,

then I kind of enjoyed it, and...

It's daunting when you walk out and you see...

This is a great audience,

but imagine that it's all gigantic movie stars with big heads.

Because they all have big heads!

Meryl Streep, gigantic head.

Jack Nicholson, all head.

Everyone's got huge heads. They do!

-Did you have...?

-It did cross my mind, yeah!

It's true. Movie stars have big heads,

going all the way back to Jimmy Cagney.

Chaplin had a huge head!

Tiny body, huge head!

The camera sucks it up, this big, big head!

Can I just say, how did you fill that seven or eight minutes?

Uh, well, I did a song. I did a bit of a...

A bit of a song and card trick...

Yeah!

But I'll never forget it, it was Valdez, the stage manager,

and he was like, "Hugh, you're on in 30 seconds."

And it's a billion people you're about to go out to.

Exactly what he said to me! He goes, "You're on in 25.

"There's a billion people out there. Good luck!"

And these stories must resonate with you, John,

because you've hosted some glittering awards here in Britain.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I've done the Kitchen Utensil Awards twice now.

Yeah, in fact, I am known as Mr Sieve!

You know.

People call you Oscar. They go, "Hey, Can-opener, come over here."

But I've done all the corporate events,

and when you sit here and you two are just chatting away there

about, you know, when you did it, and I did it,

and it is, it's another world.

I mean, you dress like you should host the Oscars, whereas these...

-But to be fair...

-But they have.

..you dress like you've just finished a marathon, to be fair.

Wrapped in that blanket.

Gentlemen, can you understand anything John's saying?

BOTH: No.

They could understand a bear more than me!

It was funny! You were talking and they both kind of went...

They looked to me,

"Are you holding up cards, Graham? What's going on?"

You'll acclimatise. You'll acclimatise.

You hosted...was it New Year's Eve you hosted in Australia?

Oh, my God, I don't believe you know that.

The first thing I hosted...

This was back when I would do anything for money.

I was asked to host the Australian New Year's Eve firework special.

I was like, "Fantastic. 3,000, I'm in."

So, I went, and I hosted -

"It's this act, Kylie Minogue singing," blah, blah, blah,

doing all this stuff. And of course, the centrepiece of New Year's Eve

is the fireworks show. And they said, "Now, this is the most difficult.

"You've got 45 minutes and you have to commentate the fireworks."

I was like, "I know nothing about fireworks!"

And they said, "Don't worry, there's four pages of notes here, you know.

"There's 120,000 tons of dynamite.

"There's five barges. You'll be fine. Just go for it."

So, finally, we go through the show,

and all of a sudden, Kylie puts the detonator,

the fireworks start, and the producer goes,

"And...go!" And I said -

And I look over at the guy...

And by the way, the entire crew are drunk. Everyone's drunk.

There's music. They're not missing out on the fun.

He's got the notes and his lighter, and he just...

..lights it.

Up in smoke!

45 minutes!

And I'm looking at a monitor.

The colours are extraordinary!

I can't believe just the explosiveness...

The worst 45 minutes of my life!

That's why I turned that down.

Billy, do you know at what point in Oscars history

they introduced, you know, the orchestra doing the play off thing?

-You know... Sandy and the band?

-Oh, when the timing.

If someone's speech runs too long, they play them off.

They do their kind of, "I'd like to thank my agent.

"I'd like to thank my mother, I'd like to thank the real sufferers of dyslexia."

-BAND START TO PLAY

-And then it gets louder.

"I'd like to thank the residents of Tallahassee for...

BAND GETS LOUDER

SHOUTS: "..who's contributed more to this film than she'll ever know!"

And then the microphone goes down, and da-da-da.

Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Was there a point? There must have been a point

where someone screwed it up for everyone else.

Oh, I'm sure.

I know when they've wanted to play people off too.

-Mike Myers...Michael Moore.

-Oh, right, yes, right.

Yeah, for the Columbine movie, yeah,

-cos he got a little too political.

-But they didn't play him off then?

No. They just beat him up in the wings.

I think Steve Martin actually even said

that some Teamsters helped him into the trunk of his car.

Now, talking of the Oscars,

I think we know someone who might be singing a song at the Oscars.

Cos you've been given the Oscar song, haven't you?

The composers of Les Miserables, I've written their names down -

Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schonberg.

-Tres bien.

-MOCK FRENCH ACCENT: Oh-hon!

-Haw!

Cos when they film a musical, they tend to do one new song

so they can be nominated for an Oscar.

You see, you're very cynical.

-No, it was very important for the story.

-Sorry.

My bad.

You'll get to sing it at the Oscars, won't you?

-Fingers crossed. We'll see.

-Wow.

And now, the movie doesn't come into theatres until January 11th,

but I've been lucky enough to see it, and it is just stunning.

Thank you. Thank you.

You guys must be over the moon with this thing.

-Yeah.

-It's just fabulous.

You know, it's a big risk.

Musicals are not done very often,

big musicals even less, and, you know, it's the role of a lifetime.

I'm a big Les Mis fan.

And all of us just felt really blessed to be in it, really,

and so, you know, I'm very grateful they did it.

Thank God, they waited 27 years.

I would have been very unconvincing as an 18-year-old Valjean!

-So, you know, it's definitely the role of a lifetime.

-Yes.

I think the fascinating thing about the movie is they sang live.

-Yeah.

-It wasn't pre-recorded tracks.

-Yeah.

-They sang to a piano accompaniment, right? And an earwig.

So, you're getting a real performance.

What am I plugging this movie for?

Thank you, man! Thank you!

I thought it was amazing that it was...

WHISPERS: That Hugh Jackman is incredible in it!

That Hugh Jackman is so incredible in it!

-Because he...

-No, no, no, please, no.

It's true. It's true.

It's a true ensemble piece.

It's a true ensemble piece, but...

-WHISPERS: Hugh shines.

-..Hugh shines.

Now, listen, we've got a clip.

This is you as Jean Valjean,

and it's you deciding whether or not to turn yourself in.

You're on the run and will you turn yourself in or not?

# Who am I?

# Can I condemn this man to slavery?

# Pretend I do not feel his agony?

# This innocent who bears my face Who goes to judgement in my place

# Who am I?

# Can I conceal myself for ever more?

# Pretend I'm not the man I was before?

# Must my name until I die Be no more than an alibi?

# Must I lie?

# How can I ever face my fellow men?

# How can I ever face myself again?

# My soul belongs to God, I know

# I made that bargain long ago

# He gave me hope when hope was gone

# He gave me strength to journey on

# Who am I?

# Who am I? #

I'm Jean Valjean.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's so good!

I'm going to pay to see it again.

-You're going to pay?

-I'm going to pay to see it again!

And it is a really starry cast.

Your co-star, Russell Crowe...

It seems ridiculous to kind of assume Australians know each other,

-but you guys actually are friends, aren't you?

-No, we are.

We do all know each other, all 20 million of us!

There's four Australians here today,

all my good friends. There, there. See?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS

-See?

44 Aussies here today. Wherever you go.

And we all know each other well.

And you're all going to meet me at Billy's place afterwards, right?

Yeah.

Listen to this, Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

-AUDIENCE: Oi, oi, oi!

-There you go. Best mates.

Are there any scousers in?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah!

There's more Aussies than scousers!

We travel!

But no-one's from the Bronx, I guess.

Yeah.

You're alone.

But we are actually great mates, have been for a long time.

In fact, I owe my career to Russell because he turned down Wolverine,

-and suggested me.

-No, no, no, that was only after Billy turned it down!

Yes, Billy turned it down.

I didn't want to be typecast.

-So, that story's true?

-It is true.

And he mentioned me to the director.

Well, he was sort of doing me a favour

because I'd turned down Gladiator first.

That was a joke, sorry.

No, that story is true.

One of the other great things about the film is...

Because when you see a stage musical,

no matter how you do it, in a chorus, there will be, what?

-20 people, max.

-Yes.

In this, there's just hundreds of people singing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've got 600 souls in our audience tonight.

This is the bit, OK? You'd better be good.

So, we wondered what a big number from Les Mis would sound like

being murdered...

..by 600 drunk, tone-deaf people.

All right, they all practised earlier so they're going to...

Hang on. No Aussies rehearsed. You guys were here and you rehearsed?

MUMBLING IN AUDIENCE

-No, you see, they're going...

-MUMBLES

OK, so, Sandy and the band, are you ready?

-Yep, we are.

-OK.

Sandy and the band are ready.

Now, you, Hugh, I wondered, would you be willing to lead them

in a chorus?

CHEERING

So, if you do a chorus and kind of get down in front of them

and then they can join in on the second chorus.

They've got flags and stuff.

Look at them. They're all so excited.

No touching!

Done. I'm in.

All right. He's in. OK.

Are you good with Sandy and the band?

I can't even see the band, the poor things. They're stuck away.

-Hi, band. How are you?

-Aww.

-Which way shall I go? Down here?

-There's a big T.

Hi, guys.

Hi, guys.

There you go.

Hello. Aussies!

So, here we go.

Look, they've got the words up, everything.

Hang on, he's got to be dressed appropriately.

Yeah!

Oh, I see. Very good.

Proper Les Mis.

OK, OK. Sandy, are you ready?

-Here we go.

-That would be my flag. There we go.

HUGH AND AUDIENCE: # Do you hear the people sing

# Sing a song of angry men

# It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again

# When the beating of your heart

# Echoes the beating of the drums

# There is a life about to start When tomorrow comes! #

Come on! Let's go!

# Do you hear the people sing

# Singing a song of angry men

# It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again

# When the beating of your heart

# Echoes the beating of the drums

# There is a life about to start When tomorrow comes! #

CHEERING

Beautiful!

Very good. Mr Hugh Jackman, everybody.

-How good are they?

-Fabulous!

-Thank you so much for doing that.

-Thank you.

You've made their lives.

It smells of beer.

Very good. Thank you so much.

It was beautiful. Beautiful!

Incredible!

Aww.

You'll remember 2012 now, won't you?

IMITATES AUDIENCE: Yes, I've sung with Hugh Jackman, actually.

It was quite good. It was quite good.

New Year's Eve, what a perfect night to have Billy Crystal here

because of course, Harry Met Sally is THE New Year's Eve movie.

-It really is.

-That was a good one.

It's so romantic and lovely. But what's weird is cos...

Kerching! That film did so well.

..how come no more?

How come no Harry Left Sally, Harry Met Some Other People or...?

We dabbled in doing another one for years

and Nora Ephron, who wrote the script

and Rob Reiner, who directed, and Meg and I sat and talked

and said, "You know what? It's sort of perfect.

"Let there actually be happily ever after."

Cos there was no sequel that really made any sense.

They're together and we want to think that they're good.

Yeah, cos happy endings, that's where you stop the story.

Yeah.

We had a wonderful time making that movie and you know,

the happy ending, the orgasm scene...

-Yes.

-..in the movie.

This is a scene that... You've seen the movie, I take it.

-Oh, they know the scene.

-OK.

Cos filming that day, there was a lot of...

It was a full Katz's Deli, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah. We had, like, 75 extras and Meg was really nervous to do it,

to show that in front of people, even though it's fake.

That was the point of the scene and so, she was really nervous.

So, we sit down at the first rehearsal and she's very tepid.

It's not a good orgasm and I...

LAUGHTER

..I recognise that right away.

And so, she's very shy.

So, Rob Reiner, who's a big bear of a man,

says, "No, no, Meg, I really want it like this."

He's getting slightly impatient.

He sits down opposite me

and he proceeds to have the biggest orgasm I've ever seen in my life.

Mighty Joe Young would be proud. I mean, it's gigantic.

He's pounding the table, pickles are flying off plates.

It's a huge, gigantic orgasm and everyone actually applauded

and then he comes over and he says, "Oh, I made a mistake.

I shouldn't have done that."

I said, "No, Meg is OK. You didn't embarrass her."

He says, "No. My mother is playing that woman.

"I just had an orgasm in front of my mother."

Rob's mom was the woman who said, "I'll have what she's having."

-Oh, no! Really?

-Yeah.

I've got to tell you what, that movie figured in my head

cos I did a thing recently, a drama in England.

-It was a really gritty drama.

-Focus, Billy, focus.

You can get there.

You know what this is like.

It's where you're on holiday and you're trying to order dinner

and I'm going, "Look, I really, really..."

No, what happened, I did this drama...

LAUGHTER

BILLY MOUTHS SILENTLY

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

We need to be able to press the red button for subtitles.

You go.

The audience will like it.

I did a thing called The Accused, which some of you might have seen,

which was a very straight drama

and what happened, I got the script and they said,

"We want you to play this guy. His wife dies." So, I thought,

"Well, that's a happy ending. I'm looking forward to that."

And then he said, "What happens is

"he ends up having a sexual relationship with his nurse,

"the nurse who looked after his wife."

So, I thought, "This is great."

Cos, you know, you're a married man...

You know what it's like.

..you get an opportunity to be rude with a lady

and you can say to your wife, "It's not my fault, I'm at work.

"I'm just doing my job. Sorry, love."

So, they said, "We're going to have this sex scene"

and then the director, who's a little guy from Glasgow,

said, "No, we've cut the scene, but we need the sound effects

"cos we want your son to hear you're having sex

"and then that builds the drama

"and he eventually goes a little bit crazy, me son."

So, I said, "OK, how do we do that?"

He said, "We go into a sound studio."

Harry Met Sally was in my head when we did this.

He said, "We stand opposite a microphone."

He was a little guy from Glasgow so he was going...

GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: All right, you know...

We don't need more accents.

We're just getting to grips with this.

He said, "What I want you to do..."

He said, "You're having sex, right? You're having sex.

"You're proper banging this girl, aye?"

No, no, I'm fine.

That's how they have sex in Glasgow. I don't know if you've ever been.

Just by this, I know how you have sex.

So, he stood in front of me, this guy,

you must have had this situation, in the microphone,

he says, "You're proper having sex. Your wife's dead.

"You've not had sex for months. You're proper having sex, right?

"Go on. Make the noise."

And I went...

GRUNTS

He said, "What was that shite?"

I said, "How else am I supposed to make a noise?"

He said, "Well, how do you make a noise at home?"

I thought, "I've been married 19 years. I don't know."

I just say, "Hurry up. There's something on the telly."

And instead, do you know what he actually said to me?

"Pretend you're Meg Ryan."

-Oh, please.

-Now, listen, Billy Crystal,

you're here to tell us about your new movie, Parental Guidance.

-It's in cinemas now.

-Yes.

This movie, it's really your baby.

It was your idea and you got it off the ground.

Yeah, this is about Bette Midler and I...

CHEERING

-There are some in.

-Thank all of them.

Well, for the six of you...

..Bette and I play grandparents coming across the country

to baby-sit for their three little grandchildren

who they don't know very well and I really don't want to do this.

I've just been fired from my job and I'm not in a good mood

and I don't know these kids very well

and I feel awkward around them

and I have a little tense relationship with my daughter,

who's played wonderfully by Marisa Tomei.

And working with Bette...

..was like...

It was like just...

We were like a pair of old slippers. It was just great.

And because I'm stupid, I thought I was going to see a kids' movie.

I thought you and Bette were in a kids' movie.

But it's so not a kids' movie.

No, well, it's a movie for everybody, I really think.

I mean, but it's more like an adult comedy, you know, with kids.

It's also kind of a smart, funny, wise movie about second chances

and about grandparents and kids.

Yeah, we were going to call it

Grandparenting: A Second Chance to Screw Somebody Up.

It's very real and it's very fun. It's something,

you know, when you go, you can go with your parents,

you can go with your kids

and feel comfortable that nothing's going to be too dirty.

-I hope that didn't turn anybody off.

-No nudity?!

None of that.

-It's what it needs. A lot of that.

-Loads of it.

We've got a clip.

This is yourself and Bette Midler

getting the dreaded call from your daughter.

-PHONE RINGS

-Artie, pick up the phone!

What are you doing?

I can't hear you, the phone's ringing.

-Hello.

-WOMAN: 'Hi, Dad.'

-Alice, hey. How are you?

-'Is Mom around?'

Yeah, hold on, I'll get her.

-Your daughter.

-Put her on speakerphone.

PHONE RINGS

-Oh, my.

-I got it.

-Put it on hold.

-I know. I'm trying.

-Put it on hold.

-I'm going to start a fire here.

Hi, Alice. What's going on?

Well...

..now that you ask...

..Phil has to go away next week and I'd really like to go with him

'and we need someone to watch the kids

'so I was wondering, would you want to?'

MOUTHS SILENTLY

We'd love to!

Listen, I'm cooking dinner.

I'll call you back in a little bit for the details.

-She said yes!

-You said yes!

Artie, we practically never see our grandchildren.

-We've never seen their new house.

-I'm not going.

-You're going.

That's what I meant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Listen, 2012 is nearly over.

-Nearly over, 2012.

-AUDIENCE: Aww.

Don't know what you're moaning about.

Because what an amazing year for you, John Bishop.

Have you told them already what you did?

Well, I tried, but they have no idea.

Basically, a lot of that.

No, John did a challenge for...

Was it Comic Relief or Sport Relief?

-Sport Relief.

-Sport Relief and...

Which is a charity.

..he now holds the record for the most money

ever raised by one person.

It's true, isn't it?

It's true.

In a single event, yeah. Apparently so, yeah.

Yeah, so, he cycled from Paris to the coast.

He then rowed over the Channel

and then did three marathons to get to London all in one thing.

-How long did it take?

-It was a week and five days.

So, the cycling, 185 miles first day, then the rowing

and then there was one day and then the runs.

That's incredible, man.

Yeah, but the only thing...

It's really nice. It's one of those things that

when you take yourself out of what you normally do

and people like to talk about it,

but it's only important cos people supported it.

It's only important cos of the money raised,

not cos of the actual event itself.

You'd be a lunatic, if you just did it.

Which is why I turned that down.

You thought I left.

How much did you raise?

-It was £4.2 million.

-Oh, my God.

-Pounds?

-Yeah.

-Pounds, yeah.

-Wow.

-It's good, right?

-Well done.

That's about 300,000.

-And you're doing this every year, right?

-Yeah!

-Wow, that's fantastic.

-But what I didn't realise was that, obviously,

the five days of doing it - absolute hell,

but preparing for it was hellish as well, wasn't it?

Was it for the cycling you had to get really prepared?

-LAUGHS

-You know what I'm talking about.

I know what you're talking about in that jacket.

-Tell us. They won't understand it. You tell the story.

-Doesn't matter.

No, what happened is there's a guy called Professor Greg White,

who's a sort of guru for all these big challenges

that they do for charity and he said to me,

"Look, you're going to spend a lot of time doing things

"that could potentially cause friction,

"riding a bicycle, rowing and then, when you get into the marathons,

"if something's rubbing, that could be a problem."

I said, "So, what do I do about it?"

He said, "You need to...

"You need to wax.

"You need to remove...

"Your undercarriage.

"The bit that...

"All needs to go."

-You had to do waxing.

-Yeah.

So, I had to go.

Apparently, this is what a lot of cyclists do

to make sure that there's no friction is to go and get it all...

MAKES RIPPING NOISE

..and yeah.

So, I had to go and see this lady in Manchester.

Oh, sure.

The old waxing thing.

-All for charity.

-All for charity.

Wax on, wax off.

When you're looking the other way

and she's dabbing wax on your nether regions and you're thinking,

"God, those kids in Africa had better be grateful."

Yeah, thanks for that.

I mean, you would have had it. Wolverine and all this.

No, they like the hair. The hair works for that.

-You've never?

-I have never. No, never done it.

-You've never done it?

-I have no body hair.

I must be part Navajo. I'm an Indian.

I have very little body hair.

Now, see, before, when he was presenting the Oscars,

I had nothing in common, but body hair, we can have a chat.

-It's nice.

-Very little.

-So, can you describe it? Describe the pain.

The pain?

You really want me to describe the process?

Not the process, the pain.

It's not the pain that gets you, it's the noise

because it's like...

First of all, it's the position you have to be in.

You've got to be in that position.

They sent you to the wrong person, I'm sure.

Then they do it and then it sort of sets.

Yeah, cos she said,

"I'm going to have to leave it a minute till it goes hard."

I went...

No chance of that.

And then the noise.

The pain gets you, but when they go...

MAKES RIPPING NOISE

..it's like velcro.

You know Velcro?

Well, it's like Velcro that's been stuck there for 45 years.

So, yeah, but it's an amazing sense of...

It is. It's like a bit of a lift

cos when she said, "You're finished"...

The ladies in here will know what I'm on about.

Well, when I say ladies, sisters.

..and you get off, you stand there

and then all of a sudden, a breeze arrives.

John Bishop, new show on Sky, John Bishop's Only Joking.

Are you looking for the nation's favourite joke

or just people's favourite jokes?

No, what it is, there was a show that used to be on in the '70s

when I was a kid when there wasn't any stand-up shows on.

-And it was called The Comedians.

-I remember that, yeah.

I don't know if you got it in Ireland.

-I'm old.

-Thanks.

And it was just comedians telling jokes, just quick jokes.

So, it wasn't like a stand-up set. So, the concept was behind that.

What we wanted to do was to update that

and also have a show that was pre-watershed,

a show where you could have jokes

that all the family could sit and watch.

Listen, we've got a clip. No, not that.

We've got a clip. I LOVE this clip. Here we go.

Earlier before, we saw Matthew sat in a classroom on his own.

He was sat on his own due to the government cutbacks,

which have meant that all the other kids in his school

have been sold to pirates.

But let's see what he had to say.

Yesterday, I was in class and my teacher said to me,

"Right, class, we all need to think up a sentence

"with the word 'definitely' in it."

So, I put my hand up and said, "Do farts have lumps in?"

She said, "No. Why?"

Then I replied, "Uh-oh.

"That means I've definitely pooed my pants."

For all he knows, I could have pooed my pants.

LAUGHS

-Very good!

-I love that kid.

He's great, isn't he?

That's on Sky1 in January.

That is brilliant. I love that. Yeah, that was fantastic.

Listen, we are about to meet a very special couple.

Basically, every year, in this country,

there's an unusual TV hit.

You know, a surprise TV hit

and this year, seven million people decided that it was

The Great British Bake Off.

CHEERING

So, let's meet the stars of that show,

Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, you lovely lady.

Hello! Hi.

Mwah. Mwah.

You sit in there.

Hello, sir. Very nice to see you.

There you go.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. Nice.

-How are you?

-Nice, nice. Lovely. Very good.

They might not understand us now, John.

There's two of us now.

Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Don't you both look lovely?

They do most of their working in a tent, really.

Now, The Great British Bake Off,

it's basically British people baking.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

It's British people baking and then Paul and Mary taste it

and they tell them whether somebody's won or not.

That's essentially it.

That's pretty much it, in a nutshell.

It's going global now. It's going to America, isn't it?

-MARY BERRY: It is.

-I think it's in 20 countries now.

And I think CBS have just taken it as well.

Now, are you going to be tasting American cakes?

I don't know. If we get the call.

-Mary?

-I don't think so.

-Are you not telling us something?

Mary's thinking, "They've booked me already.

"Oh, you don't know about...? Oh, awkward."

-Mary, did you bake us a cake?

-I have baked you a cake.

I believe we have the cake. Let's see our cake.

Lovely. Bring it in here.

Oh! Look at this!

Thank you very much, Linda.

Oh, look!

With real roses. There it is.

"Welcome, 2013."

Thank you very much!

Don't look too closely.

-Is this the cake that had the accident?

-Yes.

It was made and I was just thinking about writing on the top

and I went to make the icing...

..and we have a spaniel and...

LAUGHTER

What's in this icing, Mary?

And Poppy leapt...

..and took a little lump out of the side and I thought,

"Am I making another cake?"

And I thought, "I'm not making another cake. There's no time!"

So I just made the icing.

I put the icing in the fridge and it firmed up

and I filled the hole.

So, if you cut it, you cut it from the back.

-From this side?

-Yeah.

Well, we'll enjoy that later.

Thank you so much, Mary.

Now...

..when I watch the show, cos Paul and Mary are lovely.

You're such nice people and I'm sure you're scrupulously fair,

but when you taste the scones and things,

you must be judging the people.

"She's a bitch, she's going home."

You can't do that.

It's about your integrity in the craft that we're in.

You're tasting cakes!

-"Integrity"! Who cares?

-You can't.

When you're actually judging it,

you've got to keep fair for everybody else.

It's really fair.

You know, we had three chaps in the final this time

and did I want three men in the final?

-Not really.

-Absolutely, yeah, she did.

-I've got three men on this side.

-Careful, Mary.

Steady.

Cos Mary, if you look to your left...

I'd love to look to the left.

..you'll find a Hollywood star who likes to cook.

You like to cook, don't you?

-I do like to cook.

-So, what do you cook?

Breakfast is my thing. Well, cos it's easy, really.

But when you were wooing your wife, didn't you cook for her?

Yes. Very good, Graham.

I actually did crepe suzette flambe.

-For breakfast?

-No, this was in the evening.

LAUGHTER

We like to start early in Australia.

Mary's in. "OK, yeah!"

Yeah, and it worked.

You know, it really worked because I needed some help

and I was sort of courting her and she'd had a few wines.

I said, "Deb, if you could come in and help me,

"you know, cooking the crepes and getting the thing going."

-Did you flambe it?

-We never actually got back to the table.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

But I did flambe it at about 11 o'clock at night.

JOHN: There's no way you're Australian!

An Australian man doesn't do that. He goes, "Come here, Sheila."

No, but I have to say, Mary and Paul,

the amount of innuendo when you're tasting...

You know, it's things like "soggy bottoms" and "it's so moist"

and "it lingers" and all that sort of stuff.

So, what we've done is we've got some genuine lines...

These are genuine lines that Paul and Mary said on the show.

It's from a meringue master class and various other bits and pieces.

So, if we read it out...

Billy, if you want to be Paul.

-These are Paul's lines.

-OK.

-And, Hugh, if you want to be Mary.

-Sure.

You be Mary. So, now, you've got your lines there.

Now, let's just sex it up a bit.

-Sandy and the band, are you still there?

-SANDY: Yep.

-OK.

So, if you kick in with some kind of, you know, sexy music.

SEXY MUSIC PLAYS

Go, you. Yeah.

So, first of all, squeeze your bag.

Is it trickling down?

No. Nothing.

Did you give it a bit of a shake?

I did give it a bit of a shake, actually.

You've got to beat it until it's really stiff.

Mary!

A lot of moisture in there.

That's why it wets the finger.

LAUGHTER

If it's leaked...if it's leaked, you'll get wet.

Right.

You need to oil it up...

..because you're going under.

Now, I remember, when I've done this before with you,

one thing you love to do...

LAUGHS

..is put it over my head...

..and one day, it will come all over me.

Beautiful!

Very good!

Beautiful. Beautiful.

You know, I can now say I've done almost everything.

I've done Shakespeare and now I've done this.

Cooking innuendo. It's music time now.

In a moment, we'll have the final stories of the year

in the famous red chair,

but first, performing Try, it is global superstar Pink.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE