Compilation Show The Graham Norton Show

we've all got a bit of a hangover. Any aspirins in the audience,

please? ! Let's start the show! Oh! Oh! Hello! Hello, everybody!

Thank you very much. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Yes, it's 2014! No, it is! And

before being rushed head long into a New Year, let's enjoy some

highlights of the year so far, starting with this.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think what we see in acting, that's a pleasure? I

do see it like that, I do. It fair to say this sort of thing, this is

your least favourite aspect of making a film? No, not yet.

Mary Berry, we've been out here for, what, 30 seconds probably, so I

think it's time. So Harry. There you go. Thank you very much. So, Mary,

what have you brought us? I've brought you nothing.

AUDIENCE: Aw... I forgot to buy your book!

So, Mary Katy Perry, you must be the hottest female in the world right

now. Are you enjoying it, are you along for the ride or do you look at

someone like Paul and think, I would like that legacy, to be singing

songs in 40 years' time. Of course, I hope to have half the career that

you have or whatever, I'd be so grateful. I mean, I think you've

been doing this for longer, you know, than I've even before alive

and you have been doing it so incredibly well and the fact that

you're still here today in 2013... LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no! Hold on, hold on, hold on. Reel it in, bring it back,

Katie. Save this, Kate, come on. The fact that you're still here today...

You said that! The fact that you're not dead! I'm not talking in that

sense, I'm talking as a performer. He's about to be on this stage, I

think there's like a handful of people that can still do that well.

Yes. It's true. You brought it back, you brought it back.

What do I... You see if you were British, you would be like Sir

Robert deny row right now. Call me Bob. Lord Bob? Call me Sir Robert if

you want. Yeah. Robert seems better. You should be Sir Robert. Can I call

you Sir Robert? Yes. The campaign starts now. Yes. The Queen watches

this. I clearly hope not!

Oh, David! What? Your hair's so stupid.

LAUGHTER How rude!

Look! Nothing wrong with a plait down a man's back. Are you playing

Heidi at the moment? Perhaps I ought to just. You're going to pull it

back. A little bit back. It's very soft, isn't it? Thank you. Look at

Mary, she's all over it like a rash. Talk about grooming like a monkey,

like ooooh. Had a play around backstage actually. Can we change

the subject, please? ! LAUGHTER

Look at you. I'm in the danger zone. You're just going to see his eye

just fly right out. What are you doing...

LAUGHTER A I'm just going to get really close and then it can just

knock me on the back of the head. Do you still go clubbing, do you

still cut and run? Do you know I've never ever been to a club in my

life. Terrible. ErJudi Dench, you lie like a rug. I bumped into you in

Heaven. Oh, yes, you did. LAUGHTER Absolutely true.

They took us in through the back door. Wouldn't they? ! Story of her

life. LAUGHTER

That is the only time. Is that really the only time? Yes. Did you

not have a nice night? You looked like you were having fun? Yes, I

think we did. I'm gay and I've never been to

heaven. I won't get there either. That's astonishing, why were you

there, for Gods' sake? That's a good question too. I know the answer to

that as well. You went to see Cher. What? You were there to see Cher,

the singer Cher? Oh, yes, that's right.

Classic, I feel like we are getting classic Cher tonight. You are

getting Tartan. It's punk, punk edge, nice dark hair. Yes. Is it a

mood thing, do you wake up and decide which Cher you are going to

be? Are you out of your mind tonight? Possibly.

LAUGHTER I was like looking at the sofa, it's

like an out-of-body experience. It's like a dream I had. I have to say,

you do look amazing. You do, you look fabulous. Thank you. You have

been very forthcoming in saying you've had a bit of help along the

way. Oh, darling a lot, a lot. Me too. Yes, I can tell. No, but

whatever you've had done it's good, it's worked. Yes, I hope. But you

know what I mean, sometimes people look terrible. You don't

lookteringible. You've had work done, really? What's the worst

procedure, the most painful? Having my vagina that tightened. It was the

worst. Did you really? Oh, it was just...

LAUGHTER? Excruciating. Wow? That did that entail? See, look at the

face. What did that entail? You will show you later.

Wow. In fairness, Sharon, it's only fair. I had my vagina that

tightened, I did it myself at home with a Singer sewing machine, it was

very successful. LAUGHTER

But now, the love affair in the original Star Wars films, we all

remember it was so beautiful and the famous scene in The Empire Strikes

Back where, you're not turned into stone, you're turned into something

Snells Something else, yes, I don't remember what it was, sorry. Yes,

I'm sorry. We've got the lovely moment when it's about to happen.

Here it is. (Chewbacca moans)

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Chewy seems more upset than Princess

Leia? Yes. You were in time with the clip, a natural knee-jerk. That's

one of my favourite Chewbacca moments, that "arrrrr". Did I take

you back? He's back on set now. There is an awful lot of people in

the audience who love you. Love you, Harrison. All right, calm down. So

I'm just going to give an opportunity for some of them to say

"I love you". So where... Look, hands right up there. You already

did it, didn't you? OK, what's your name? Anna. And stand up. Where are

you from, Anna? Surrey. Surrey? Yes. Love Harrison. That's the point.

Wait a minute. We are getting to that. OK, so there he is, he's not

getting any nearer. Look him in the eyes and tell him. Oh, wait for the

music. MUSIC.

Look him in the eyes. I love you.

I know. Whoa! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Great action figures, ladies and gentlemen. We've got some here. Oh,

no, you've dropped your hammer! It's yours. Have you seen this yet?

Not that particular one, but the likeness is incredible.

It is uncanny, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? Slightly sedated version.

You press you here and you talk. Lightning shall strike you down!

Jesus. Strike you down... Angry. Natalie's action figure. Here she

You are not leaning against anything I don't think. You have just chosen

to lean? There was a pillar there. There was? Yes, they cropped it. How

annoying. One hand on your keys there, I see. Then we've got the

traditional wooden fence denim lean. Yes, denim is very much part of

rock'n'roll. Of course. Yes, as is leaning.

April, a very radical lean in April. No, he's in a street and he's going,

what am I leaning on? ! Am I leaning?

came away without a song. Wow. We got very close one day because I

brought in a song called Golden Rings and it was, "I can buy you

golden rings" and it was like, oh God,

what am I leaning on? ! Am I leaning?

the tea? ! Do you know... Shock, yeah, it was the tea that did

it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, no no. We are going to let people who like you ask the two

doctors questions. Right. See if you can answer them.

They'll need somewhere comfortable to sit to ask the questions, so

behold the red chair, ladies and gentlemen!

Here it is. So, who's up first? Hi. Hi. What's

your name? David. Very good. I believe you are a Dr Who fan? I am.

No, I really do believe it. LAUGHTER

We 're not laughing at you David. We are not laughing at you. Were you

meant to be in Raging Bull or was that just a story? Yes, I was. No, I

wasn't meant to be in Raging Bull. It was one of my first interviews, I

was starting out. I don't know how my agent got me in the room with

him, but he did and I surprised he doesn't remember me because I walked

in looking like a hooker. Was it in New York? It was in LA, yeah...

People who look like hookering, people who look like hookers.

Hookers in white dresses, yes. I didn't think I had a chance. I was

going to swear on this. What were you going to stay? -- say? A shot in

hell. A shot in hell! Wow, where do you live? !

LAUGHTER A shot in hell, oohh, woo-hoo... I

can only pollise, Sir Bob! -- apologise, Sir Bob.

Who's up next? Hello. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He looks more like you than you do. That's where your gear went. What's

your name? Er, Matt. No! Wow. Now, have you made yourself look like

Matt Smith? No, I think I was born this way. Tragedy, isn't it?

Benedict, are people still comparing you to an otter? I don't know, are

they? They are. There are some new ones, have you seen The New Ones?

No, I haven't seen The New Ones. They're called mimmis. This is an

Internet thing. This is Benedict. You think that's a boy, doesn't look

like an otter? Yes, he does you. Look at it. He strikes a pose, he

strikes a thoughtful pose. Otters don't think that much. Yet they do.

They do. Here's the thing, I mean I'm the one who's not doing the pose

properly, that's the correct steeple of fingers underneath the chin.

Mine's in front of my face. I take notes from my men. You as Julian

Assange. Right. Otter Julian Assange!

LAUGHTER And next, the final one. Here you

are waving goodbye and you think, otters don't have arms, how can they

do that. Yes, they do! LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Genius.

Now, who's up next? Who's up next? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My favourite part of the show. Can you guess what wooden creature

Mark Freeman might be? Careful. Cat wheezele. Unbelievable. Cat

wheezele? -- weasel. An old tramp in the woods. No, it is a hedgehog. No,

a hedgehog is not express expressive.

LAUGHTER I'm so wrong. So, here's Martin. Here's Martin, right. And

you would think a hedgehog could never look like that. Never.

LAUGHTER Amazing.

Happy hedgehog. Then we've got less happy Martin. Does he have a

hedgehog to look like hum? Yes, he does.

I don't think he looks like a hedgehog at all. I think that's

anybody making a face and put a hedgehog next to them and they look

like a hedgehog. OK, explain this one then. This is so specific.

OK. OK. Now, look at the hedgehog. Hello!

I rest my case, your honour, yes. OK, if you don't mind, this is the

clincher, this is Martin Freeman encountering fans and, how can a

hedgehog do this. It's not possible. I'm told this isn't photo shopped.

LAUGHTER Well done the hedgehog, great work.

OK, now, famously, you were very close to Princess Diana, but even

before that, I think you played at Prince Andrew's 21st? Yes. At

Windsor Castle, yes. And that was a very nervy experience because Ray

Cooper, my percussion player and myself played. Suddenly you looked

on the ballny and they were all gold chairs and they filled up and you

thought oh God -- balcony. I was in a ballroom with a band and Diana

Spencer, she wasn't prince Charles's wife then, she said, do you want to

dance, so I can't dance anyway, but we did a charleston. Then we went

into dinner and then it was a buffet dinner and Prenn six Anne said shall

we go to the disco -- Princess Anne. It's the quietest disco you've ever

heard and I had to dance with Princess Anne and I was thinking, I

was born in a council house and the Queen said, "can we join you" as if

I was going to say "no, fuck off, right" and they segued into rock

around-the-clock by Bill Haley and it was surreal because the Queen was

going like dar-dar-dar, it was a most surreal moment of my life.

After being born in a council house and remembering rock

around-the-clock, the odds of you dancing with the Queen at Windsor

Castle are very, very low. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amazing. My agent called me up one day and it

was quite early on in my career I think, I wasn't very old and she

said, love, a couple of things and she went through a couple of things

and then she said "hm-hm, love, Earl... Can I ask you a question"

and I said, go ahead and she said "have you ever do you think been in

a porn film? " And I said "ooh, I beg your pardon" and she said, "the

papers have been on to me and they've seen such a film with

someone with your name and apparently it looks a bit like you".

I was thinking have I? I mean, really? She said possibly when you

were in Italy, you know, on your gap year and I thought, "oh, yes, that

probably happened, I was probably drugged". ". I was probably drugged

and set upon. And they put it in a film. We did do some research and

Jennifer Saunders does exist. She's not here, don't worry. You looked

worry there. Please, God, please, God. We found some of her early

work. We are not going to show it to you, don't worry. Have you ever seen

her? No, of course I haven't seen her, I didn't think she existed.

There she is, Girl of the Month. Do you want that for your collection.

What is that? Genuine, Jennifer Saunders probably watching with her

grandchildren right now. Wow. That's really quite frightening, isn't it?

If I were you, I would say it was you. Girl of the Month. Bob's going,

er... This is all Jennifer. This isn't you? She doesn't take her

pants off. This is very demure. She does over the page. Oh, there it is,

yes. LAUGHTER

And that's Jennifer Saunders. It's the French Saunders there

actually. Your fans obviously love you. They are very respectful. And I

love them. Is there a reason why they do this? They film themselves

watching your videos? Yeah, they're awesome. They started a radio

station called Radio Art Pop now. Have you come across Mr Motor Mouth?

I think I know who you are talking about. This is the first time you

watched Applause. Yes, I do. Here we go.

She's flying. Oh, yes, bitch. Yes, turn around.

Oooh, bitch. He's amazing. Are you sure he's a

fan? Well, get this, we thought if he was that excited to watch a video

of you, how excited would... No, he's not here!

LAUGHTER How exciting would it be if we Skyped him? Amazing. So I'm going

to Skype him now. Skyping. Hang on. Can you see me? Hello? Hi, Graham,

how are you, darling? I'm very good. Zachary? Is it Zachary? Yes. Your

hair is amazing? Thanks, darling. OK, so brace yourself, Zachary,

brace yourself, Zachary, because I'm moving the camera. Zachary, here is,

Lady Gaga. Argh... Arghs... Yes, bitch, oh, bitch. That lace and the

sheer and the necklace, honey, you worked bitch, you ain't that. You're

so famous right now, you've no idea, you're all over UK television. There

you are. Any little act Pellow bit for the album, would you do a line

or something to blow his mind? Sure. "I can't help the way I'm feeling

#... # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Zachary, we'll send you a tape. Thank you so much. I love you

Zachary, I love you, I love you, I watch you all the time. I love you,

baby and you look so proud and happy I'm so proud of you baby, I'm so

proud of you. Well done, Zachary. Bye-bye. What a nice man!

In this country as an actress, you went to Hollywood, which seemed at

the time surprising, you showed up in junior with Arnold

Schwarzenegger? Yes, it was fun actually. Was that fun to do? He was

actually orange, Arnold. He was really and truly orange. I believe

there are a lot of them about here now like Simon Cowell. But he was

very nice, very courtly, you know, Austrian and courtly. Yes. Can he

act? No, no, no, no. APPLAUSE

Don't be silly. He was very honest about that.

Talking of acting, Colin Farrell? Yes. You've acted with some amazing

people over the years? A couple of times. But even when you were young

you seemed so unintimidated, there was a story of you working with

Bruce Willis to his face? That was intimidation finding a very loud

voice, so I was a bit can cheeky with him. Was it a courtroom scene?

When he had trouble with that word? Yes. He was playing the trial judge

advocate and I was for the accused. I stood up with great overacting

zeal and said "objection, your honour", and he looked at me and he

went "line". And I heard from the monitor, the script supervisor go

"overruled". And he said "overruled".

We were gad Papps. I said to him that day, you ied better get an

early night because you have a word to learn for tomorrow, to which he

responded "fuck you, Irish! ". I said I'd do the accent.

Obviously, you wanted to be an actor, that was your ambition, you

didn't set tout be a movie star, but that's happened, so does a day go by

when people don't shout out, you know, lines from movies and things

to you, or does that happen all the time? No, I don't get that that

often from people. Do you remember that night we were having dinner. It

was Grey Pride Parade night... Of course. And we were downtown and so

he had his back to the door and I was, you know, facing him and all

these Queens came in, all these drag Queens, fabulous came in and they

saw me and they were look woo and they came round the corner and saw

him and it was like woo (low-key woo)

Were you wine and dined by Hollywood agents? No, Ian Huntley go over

there, no. They are making your show in America and you didn't go? That's

right. -- I didn't go over there.

I didn't want to go. Is that a bit weird. Have you ever been? To

America, no. You have never been to America? No, is that illegal. So

knowing flow rant, Jo. But that's why people like me. There are places

in the world I would rather go in the world rather than America. Like?

Burma and the Ukraine. Both of which are one billion times better than

the United States. APPLAUSE

We must talk about Halloween. Oh, Halloween. Yes. This has become a

The point is, I hope to be unrecognised. I think you might be

able to be recognised on this one. I think on this one you are

unrecognisable. It was the wine that gave me away!

Are you smoking there? I hadn't gotten that far!

LAUGHTER Here we are, fingers on the buzzers

who. Who suffers from scholarsophobia? Do you know what it

is What does it mean? I can't remember anything? !

LAUGHTER You have worms. I think I don't even

like to say the word. Fear of words? Worms, worms, worms.let You are

frightened of worms? One jumped in my sandal when I was a very little

girl in wet weather. Jumped? ! Yes. You said that was a worm? Yes. Have

you been scared of worms ever since? Yes. You can just walk away from

them, you know. LAUGHTER They're very quick, the

worms in her garden. Was she born here, your wife? Yes. Were you at

the Hello Teddy moment for the birth? Yes, I was. Down the business

end? Yes, I was. Well done. It was like my favourite pub burning down.

Yes. LAUGHTER

No tread left on that tyre. Have you rebuilt her? Er, haven't

bothered rebuilding it yet because there might be another one on the

way. I don't want to go about it twice. Yes. I think best to live

with the ruins for now. Ive. This This feels like overhearing

something at a doctor's surgery. We'll just live with it. Which

camera, sorry, Ida. You have a beautiful foo.

LAUGHTER Robbie did the radio last Saturday

and was going, I say things I shouldn't on chat shows and I was

going "no, no, you'll be fine. " I'm always terrified because I always

end up having to apologise to somebody or send a bunch of flowers

to somebody. I was on stage, I can't remember where it was, Stuttgart or

somewhere that hit her done all the speeches from. Yes. 80,000 people in

front of me and you sort of have... Robbie life in Nuremberg. It was

Nuremberg, it was, it was! Of course it was.

Go on, go on, go on. So anyway, when you are singing, you could be

singing but also at the same time you could be having a bit of

dialogue with yourself, words come out, performance happens, sometimes

when you are that comfortable you're going, check them out, she's fit,

look at her boobs, seen you looking at the boobs, it's OK you are Robbie

you can look at them, that kind of stuff, then this particular night,

80,000 people in front of me and I'm singing Angels er whatever it is and

in the back of my mind I went "look at these lot, they really like me, I

really like them too. It's amazing, brought up with the German thing and

my grandma used to have a Jerry under the bed she peed in and now

look at all of these lot loving me and I love them it's fantastic here,

I'll show them my appreciation after I've finished singing this song. "

Then Angels finish and I go dtion Deutschland Deutschland... #

And 80,000 people booed me. It would have been worse if they'd

gone, finally a leader! Yes.

APPLAUSE In international incidents, an

incident nearly occurred. Where would we be without a sense of

humour? Germany. We can't let Mary go without

celebrating one of our favourite websites about cakes where people

have taken pictures and these are real cakes, they've been ordered and

paid for and it's a thing of like, you order the cake and it goes wrong

I think with the person that answers the phone in the bakery. You will

get the idea. Thanks for a great year in purple.

That's blue. They've got it so wrong, it's not IN purple!

I like that. This is another again, very straightforward one, on the

phone, what do you want on top of your cake? Happy birthday with

balloons and crap like that. So they say to you, what do you want

on your cake. I want sprinkles. LAUGHTER

OK. Now here is the thing. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing could go

wrong. You go in with a memory stick and you say, can you put this on a

cake. Oh, no! To be fair, they did a pretty good

job of that. It's great. Nicely ex-caused. Finally, surely,

surely there's nothing nicer than a cake to celebrate the arrival of a

baby. LAUGHTER

Great cakes.