Episode 10 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight on the show, we have a brilliant actress, a favourite

comedian and a fantastic rapper. What do you think of that? Seven!

We've also got the head judge from Strictly Come Dancing. It's a ten

from Len! Let's start the show. APPLAUSE

Hello. Merry Christmas everybody! CHEERING

Yes, it's the last show before Christmas and I'm getting ready to

celebrate, ladies and gentleman. Lots of festive treats tonight.

Legendary actress Julie Walters is here.

I know. My favourite comedian, Miranda Hart is on the show! Head

Strictly judge, Len Goodman, is here! And top British rap star,

Tinie Tempah is joining us! APPLAUSE

I tell you, just what you need at Christmas, someone who's good at

rapping! LAUGHTER

What's that? They want the Comedy Award back? So looking forward to

catching up with Julie. We all loved her in Calendar Girls. What a

gorgeous pose. It's not easy looking good sitting naked at a pinot. I

especially like Julie in Mamma Mia. What a great story. Meryl Streep is

running towards her old love Pierce Brosnan. Here she is a minute later

when he starts to sing. APPLAUSE

I'd like to welcome Miranda Hart. Big star now. She knows all my

guests. Here she is with Julie. Do we have a picture with Tinie? Yeah?

She has a best-selling Christmas DVD out, teaching people how to exercise

with maracas. Seriously, she does. That is true. Not everyone looks

great with a pair of maracas. Ourgh... Hairy Biker Dave Myers,

although the Norwegian version of Strictly has someone harrier. It's

Christmas, don't you wish we could see that bear actually dancing.

Don't you? Don't you? MUSIC: Theme to Strictly. Let's get

on some guests. He's a big star, it's Tinie Tempah! Hello, Sir.

Welcome back. Sit yourself down there.

Time for a heart to heart, it's Miranda Hart! You look lovely.

Hello. Come and sit down. And Mamma Mia, it's Julie Walters!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cheers. They told me to mind my head

on the arch. I think they meant me. Miranda, you've met Julie before.

Yes, we did a play together for the Mousetrap for charity. You haven't

met teeny before? No. You've been him. I was you. How did that work

out? Very, very well. I sang the rap bit to the JLS song, your bit. That

was for Sport Relief. Eyes wide shut. Do you remember it? Yeah. Go.

Do it. This is embarrassing. It's two years ago. I remember it really

well. # I don't want to get out of bed, if

I could rearrange the alphabet, you, me, JLS, yeah, there's a match mate,

looking forward to it, like a Saturday. Tonight's bright, got my

ray bans on and my eyes wide shut. APPLAUSE

Nice. Obviously, I'm better when I'm on stage at the O 2, with the moves

you know. Next album, featuring Miranda Hart. And the tour. Yeah,

nice. Done deal. I had to rap in the Harry Hill film. I found it hard to

learn. It's so hard to learn. Why are you pulling that face? I've only

seen clips of that film, but it looks very funny. We're seeing a

clip later. My rap is, you give me fun, sea and sun, hot dog in a bun,

kiss me quick, a paddle and a picnic. If it... Erm...... I can't

remember the rest. Ten out of ten.

Amazing. You can go now, you're redundant. We don't need you. You

can learn, Tinie, learn. Definitely. We have to talk after this. Miranda

Hart is oh, you're all over our Christmas television. Sorry about

that. Christmas Day you have the special of call of duty - no! Call

off the midwife. Call of midwife duty. Boom, boom,

boom. That's a special, yeah. Call The Midwife. I wish I hadn't seen

that. What a thing to take home. You've

seen worse. This is the Christmas special. Yes. Is it an hour or

longer? I think a bit longer. Good. It's a specialspecial. I love it. We

don't want any spoilers, but in the Christmas episode, does anyone have

a baby? I think somebody might give birth in the Christmas special.

Ooohhhh. It's like EastEnders, you never know what's going to happen.

Do you watch Call The Midwife? No. I'm joking. It has a certain type of

audience, so there must be people who only know you as Chummy. Yes, a

lot of people come up to me and say that they've said, "Chummy is a

funny character, have you thought about doing comedy? I politely

respond and feel like going, when you buy the three series of my

sitcom which have taken me 15 years of hard work, that's so sweet.

Julie, you're so famous, and yet, you do get mixed up with people. Oh,

yes. I was in a cafe, only a couple of years back and someone said,

"That's Julie Andrews." Brilliant. Just a name mix up, I think. There

is a mistaking me. I was in Marks Spencer, not very long ago, looking

at the underwear. Like a girl does. Checking it out and just about three

foot that way, were two women, looking through underwear. Suddenly,

the classic thing, they were chatting. Suddenly, it stopped and I

just knew. A bit of whispering. Then it was as if I was on television,

like I couldn't hear them. One said to the other, "Isn't that Julie

Walters? And the other said - there was a big pause - "Oh, no."

LAUGHTER "Not dressed like that." What can

you say? Honestly. Ed Sheeran was saying in an interview you have a

thing if you take your glasses off, that's it, nobody knows who you are.

Yes, it's like the reverse of Clark Kent. I've hit the nail on the head

with this one. When I take off the glasses, I could be anybody. You

look incredibly different. Then I put them on. It's Tinie Tempah. Or

the guy from the Halifax advert. That what happened. Oh, no. You look

nothing like him. I want to see. Suits you. You look like someone.

Who do you look like? Daniel Radcliffe? It is a bit. A little

scar on Your head. Amazing. Can you see now? No. At the moment, I have a

nobody on the couch. Tinie Tempah, everybody!

APPLAUSE 2014 very exciting year for comedy

because, and Miranda Hart you're going on tour, I was going to say

returning to stand up, but this is the first proper stand-up tour

you've done? Yeah I was doing stand-up about seven, eight years

ago, but then the telly took over. It's February 28 to October 18, your

website has the details. This is, like, you're doing like massive

arenas and things. How fabulous. Are you OK? Are you cool? Totally in

denial. I've written a show and I've got it ready and I've rehearsed it.

Yeah, you can't prepare for that scale. It's crazy that immediatians

can -- comedians can do these gigs. I'd just regret it massively if I

didn't do it. It will be quite an experience. I hope I'll enjoy it.

I'm excited as well. The thing is your fan base, you know, is quite

young. You've a lot of teenage fans. Yeah, it's a real mix. It's

something I wasn't expecting when I wrote the sitcom. I didn't expect

teenagers and very young, eight, nine as well. Down with the kids.

Can you speak to the kids? Yeah, I'm sort of 40 and gallop about and I

have a UK base. -- youth base. I'm trying to get well with it and

stuff. That was good. That's quite good. I'm just so, I've always been

old before my time. The whole music thing, I thought at one point,

someone was talking about Kanye West, that they were talking about a

tube stop. LAUGHTER

You're not allowed to say things like that. This is what we're

talking about. What will your youth base think of you now? I do a bit of

that on the tour, what it's like to suddenly try and commune - because I

don't know many teenagers. My nieces and nephews are younger. The way

they talk is, they don't use words any more. It's ack Ronnisms,

achronisms. They taught me some of these things, it was new to me. I'm

sounding so old. Which is CBA, which is can't be arsed. You can't just

say that, you go seebs. Because CBA is too long. I've never heard of

that. Do you want to get me a drink, seebs. There's one that was really

popular which was yolo, you only live once. When someone was about to

do something really stupid, they go yolo and just do it. The like the

idea of reclaiming these things. This is the plan. LMAO, do you know

that one? I don't know any of these. That's laughing my cars off. Let's

start reclaiming it, you know, older. That should be, say, look, my

artichoke's off. Yes, you would find a time for that. Or ruffle, do you

know that one, rolling on the floor laughing. Yeah. I don't know, rush

off to Fortenums and Liberties. Middle class. What about WTF? What's

that? Do you not know that one? Oh, what the... Yes!

APPLAUSE Now a word that the youngsters have

given us and very popular this year was selfies. It's in the dictionary

now. In the dictionary? Yes. It's been added. Tinie is all over it.

Over to my youth correspondent, Tinie Tempah. Selfies, presumably

you all have suffered at the hands of selfies. Do you get people...

From fans. Usually they're slightly behind you and there's my great big

white face at the front. Yes. You're a bit tall for a selfy. Honestly,

this is me. Can I have a selfy? Yes. I have big quads now. A lot of

bending. You have people to do your selfies? When fans ask me to take

selfies, I take them. I never personally taken my own one. I think

it's a bit weird. I think it's wrong. I think it's weird. What

culturally has happened? Technology has happened, so I am a massive fan

of yours, but younger, you were massive inspiration, if I had seen

you in the streets, I would have been beside myself with excitement.

Really? Oh, my goodness, do you not know who you are? Amazing. What I

never would have done is "Oh, hi, Julie Walters, do you mind? " It's

the equivalent of me going, do you mind, if I just sit here.

APPLAUSE It's the equivalent of like... This

has been the best show ever. You're familiar with the internet,

Julie? Yes. Of course I am. We've had these selfies, ill-timed

selfies. For instance, here's two very pretty young girls. They're

having a nice time at home. They thought, oh, let's take a selfy,

this will be nice. But they missed something key when they were taking

it. LAUGHTER

Now, you know you can be photobombed? What's that? Somebody

comes behind you and goes like that. These two girls have been photo

bummed. LAUGHTER

Then there's this thing where people find the occasion of where like,

this will be a good time to take a selfie. This boy thought it was a

good time to take a selfie with people trapped in a lift.

LAUGHTER Look how happy he looks. Look at the

faces in there. "Help! Help!" You guys -- this lady

has taken a selfie with a camel. We're guessing the camel was annoyed

because this is what happened next. LAUGHTER

Well done all the selfies. Very good.

APPLAUSE Julie Walters, Harry Hill was here

telling us about his movie. Now you play his Nan. Yes. Which is open

everywhere tonight. Yes. How did you end up in Harry Hill the movie? I

was asked to do it. Moving on. My agent rang up and said do you like

Harry Hill. I love him. He said, "He's going to do a film." And I

said I'd love to work with him and they sent me The Script and it made

me laugh. When you're considering a job, you focus more on who's in it,

rather than what it is? No, I focus on the money.

APPLAUSE Harry Hill, God love him, he tried

to tell us the story of the film, good luck, can you do any better?

It's a road movie. You see, but it is a Harry Hill road movie. A little

bit complicated. I play his Nan. Too young. I'd have to be like 103. We

go on this trip to Blackpool with our hamster Abu. Anyone get that

joke? I didn't. The film had finished when I got the joke. Well,

because we think he's going to die, he's not well. We go on the trip to

Blackpool because that's his last wish. We are pursued Biharery's evil

-- Harry's evil twin brother Otto Hill, played by Matt Lucas. He has a

vendetta against Harry, is that the right phrase? Yes, he's really very,

very bitter. I brought Harry up, but Otto was brought up by a family of

Alsatians just outside Kettering. It wasn't a happy time. That's it

really. We've got a clip. I think it does need some explaining. Do you

know? I don't know what the clip is. It's the.co.uk sand five --

dachshund five? It's a tribute band which are dogs in wigs. We go to see

them. You're showing off, you're an enormous fan. I am an enormous fan

of them. Remind me, then what happened? I think that will get us

there. OK, come on now. ( Great seats. Noflt T -- novelty T-shirt

and cushion for you. I got you a hat and after shave Wet dog, nothing for

yourself? Oh, yeah, this. That's a bit hard core. You should see the

one I had done here. The show's starting.

Which one is Michael? Second from the end. No that's Jermaine. Oh,

yeah. APPLAUSE

I loved those doggies. Everything I see really makes me laugh. I love

those dogs. They're brilliant. The movie is out now at a cinema near

you. There you go. I'll know if you haven't been. Julie, obviously, star

of stage and screen, but we nearly lost Julie Walters to the caring

profession. Yes, you did. Were you a fully qualified nurse? No. Over to

Miranda. She has a bike. The You were a nursing assistant? No I was a

student nurse. But you never qualified? No, I didn't. You were

distracted from your nursing, were you not? I beg your pardon? You were

distracted from your nursing. Was I? Didn't you discover the joys of

romance? I did. I discovered them, first of all, I discovered them on

the ward, because I fell in love with so many patients, well a couple

of them. Nothing happened, but the first men's ward that I went on, the

sister gave me a huge talk. "Now - she was Irish - now if you see any

movement in the pyjama region, you simply get out your biro and give it

a good snap." That will put a stop to it. I can't tell you how many

relationships that ruined. In terms of sex education, Miranda, at

school, your school, the sex education was bizarre. No, there was

no sex e did he to -- sex ed to speak of. It's in my tour. We lived

on rumours. They were spread. At 11 you would get pregnant if you sit on

a rugby ball this a boy's just sat on. That's true, I think. There's

one that someone spread that you jump into a river on May Day means

you're legally married in Sussex. English people can't get pregnant in

Germany. That was one of them. Quite specific. Yeah, sexually repressed.

I've yet to come into my sexual peak is basically what I'm saying. In

terms of getting advice, Tinie Tempah has had advice from the

master, didn't Lionel Richie give you advice? Yeah, one time when I

was in LA. Actually he was coming out of Soho House and I was coming

in. He said, "Can I give you one word of advice? Never get married."

He walked out and left and that was it. Crazy. I'm going to try and live

by that. I'm joking. No, you're not. Lionel has been on the show and

talked about how he uses his own music to would the ladies. Yes.

Tinie? It's happened by accident, one time. Because of bloody shuffle.

Why did they invent shuffle. What's that? When it's playing on your

computer and it just plays randomly. No. Never do it Julie. It's very

dangerous. One of my really low underground songs came on while I

was in the act. It was just super awkward. I like that mime "in the

act". LAUGHTER

The act of what? I was trying to reach over and switch it off and

that was making things worse so I left it on. It didn't put her off?

No, she actually liked it. I think I really get awkward. If I'm with you

or with you or you... What, sexually? Well, if you want. Since

we've both been there. And I come on the telly or the radio, I get really

weird, does that not happen to any of you? Yeah, get weird? Like if

you've been with someone. No, I don't like that. Imagine, you're in

the act, whatever that is... What is that? I don't know, you're in the

act with Tinie. He's doing his act. Doing that. It's like a vets.

LAUGHTER All creatures great and small. Oh,

Tinie you've told us so much tonight. Imagine you're doing the

act. With a cow? And this came on. This is Wivy.

-- Wifey. Oh! Get a room. What happened then?

What was that. What was that. Tinie was doing the act. Calm down. It's

time to bring on my next guest. This weekend, the nation will stop to

find out who's going to be crowned winner of Strictly Come Dancing

2013. Please welcome the head judge himself, Len Goodman!

APPLAUSE I've been standing round there

for... Any way. How are you? I'm feeling good. These two ladies love

you. We love you! I want to touch him as well. Go on, take a piece.

Do you watch Strictly? Not as much. I watched the first time, the first

one. But never... Never again! I listen to your first track and I've

never... APPLAUSE

Actually, you say that, you're a fan of rap music, are you? Sugar heel

gang. # My name's wonder mic and I want

to... # Yeah! Everyone's rapped so far apart

from Tinie Tempah. Later. Yeah, you have a backing track and everything.

This is a big year, the year of the woman. An all-female final, never

happened before. Why this year? I do not know. One of those things.

Normally, you get men on, because I felt it was women that voted and if

there was, perhaps they weren't that bulked up in this. I don't know. For

some reason, I think it's exciting. It's more of a level playing field.

They're all brilliant. Four lady celebrities, four pro guys and then

see what happens. What would you do if it was Natalie and Abbey and

there was a dance-off how would you pick? Good question! When it's a

dance-off, you mustn't think about what's been in the past or your

expectations, what they could do in the future, you look at each dance.

You know, you have to make a decision. Hard. It's hard. I did it

once with - and it was terrible, Rod Stewart's wife. Her. Penny. That's

it. And Gabby lowingan. -- Logan and they both shouldn't have been in the

dance-off. They were both terrific. There were loads of Ann Widdicomes

which had got through, things like that, that's what I find weird about

Strictly. You tend to remember John Sergeant. Russell Grant. You know?

If you said to me, who won it the year Ann Widdicome was on, I can't

remember. But you remember her. It's strange. You seem to remember the

bizarre ones. Someone watching at home has poured themselves a big

glass of wine to cheer themselves up. Len said he was my favourite.

It's on Saturday and Sunday. No. All happening on Saturday? All live on

Saturday night. I'm so happy to be here. May the best lady win. I'm so

looking forward to seeing it. So am I. You're also all over the

television because there's Len Goodman's dance band days on BBC 4

and Boxing Day, BBC One, Len Goodman's perfect Christmas. That's

right. What's your perfect Christmas? Very little. My mum is

still alive, she's 96. She'll be in. My wife Susan, mum and dad will be

in. My son has gone off to the girlfriend's. So he'll be in on

Boxing Day. Yeah, we just - it's bizarre, you get up at 10am and you

have a glass of sherry. Everything goes out of the window. Then you

think, a great big breakfast, I think I'll have half a dozen

satsumas now. There's no grand kids yet? I'm fuming with him. See he's

been with this girl for quite a while, Sophie. Lovely. James and

Sophie. Good proper name. I was brought up more or less, I had my

mum and dad, my granddad, I was always with my granddad. He taught

me values. He was a greengrocer. I remember once, he got six tons of

potatoes from the market. We had a yard and a stable thing, the horse

had gone. I said to him, "Granddad, why have you got all these potatoes?

He said, "They're cheap. Never forget, your money's like your

Willie, it only grows if you play with it."

APPLAUSE He taught me the proper values in

life. I want to do the same for my grand child. That could be why

they're not having grandchildren. Get on with it, boy! When it comes

to parties and things, do you dance? I rarely go to parties any more. If

I have to go to a wedding or something like that, I never dance.

I'll tell you why. If I get up and think, oh, come on we'll have this

nice little how's your father. People are like, cor he ain't much

good. If I think, I'll do it a little bit. Look at him, showing

off. Then up comes the men, it's not the women. It's the men. "Would you

do a dance with my wife? And if you say OK, then the flood gates open.

You never sit down any more. You've done it with her and it goes on and

on. I just have to sit there. We know you love to dance Miranda. I

love the notion of dancing. In my head I'm a dancer. Does it make

dancing difficult, the height thing? When I turned 40 I decided to let go

of that. But I remember once dancing with somebody thing and sitting next

to a guy getting on really well, going great. We didn't notice each

other sitting down how tall we were. When we stood up, he was honestly

there. Went onto the dance floor and I was like this. People called it

the number two move. A bit of bump and grind there. Have

you encountered this, the taller woman, shorter man problem? Of

course. Is there a solution? Are there moves you could teach Miranda?

We would be a perfect couple because we're both tall and elegant. She's

got a natural rhythm. I just saw the gyration there in her hips. She has

that naturally. Were she to avail herself, she could dance right now.

Could you show her a couple of moves.

APPLAUSE This area here is our Christmas

dance area. This is nice. Mr Goodman, Miss Hart. Are you jealous

of me right now? We're doing salsa. It's three steps. Left foot.

Forward. By the way, do you like my shoes. They're for you. Gorgeous.

One, two, three. Now go back on your right foot, one, two, three. Now

again. Binning, bang, Bonning. I'm bringing in a hip, I don't care what

you say. That's really good. Now a bit of rhythm.

# Have you seen my conkers # My lovely big brown conkers

# They're on the trees # They're big as can... #

Now stay there. Ready? Work that girl. Yes! Calm down.

APPLAUSE Gorgeous. Well done.

Talking of the music, we're going to have some music. This is the single

coming out. The third single coming out in February off the new album

Don demonstration -- Demonstration, out now. Available now! Out now! I'm

performing it on my tour, which is in April. After you. After mine.

Yeah. Tickets are on sale now. Now! OK, I get it. I see why you're here.

Backing dancers? Definitely. The track is Lover in the a Fighter. It

features Labrinth. The album features loads of people. From Emeli

Sande, Dizzee Rascal, big Sean, two American rappers, Paloma faith,

loads of people. Yeah, a big event. We're looking forward to the tour,

looking forward to this. If you want to join Labrinth and get ready Mr

Tinie Tempah. Of course, absolutely.

APPLAUSE You're coming back. Go.

In a moment, we'll have the last stories of the year in the famous

red chair. Now here is Tinie Tempah! # Well, I'm a lover not a fighter,

yeah. # So kiss that girl and say good-bye now. # 'cos I came for

kicks not for arguments. # No, woah, oh, oh. # 'cos I'm a lover not a

fighter. # Somebody fill in the gaps. #

somebody fill in the dots. # I feel like Cruella Deville the way I be

stealing the spots. # When all the shutters are down shall we be still

in the shop. # I shop for clothes when it's closed, # That's why I

feel like the boss. # In my vintage ebay watch. # that's why I feel like

the Hoff. # Weren't gonna wait for no institute not to gimme a job. #

These critics giving me # that's why I give 'em my crotch. # These paps

are getting too nosey. # that's why I give 'em my snot. # 'cos I just

tripled my cost of living, # Steak, salmon, lobster, chicken. # That's

made in my Boffi kitchen by Rosa Dacosta women. # Come from

disturbing London, the city of foster children # Grateful what God

has given. # save us from constant sin in the city of God. # I'm from

the city of God, # Travelling up in the Shard # I really been at the

top. # Separate the man from the man. # Well I'm a lover not a

fighter. # So a kiss that girl and say good-bye now. # 'cos I came for

kicks not for arguments. # No, woah, oh, oh. # 'cos I'm a lover not a

fighter. # Yeah. Hello. # I used to sit on the settee eating a tin of

spaghetti. # Now women think that I'm sexy because I been on the tele.

# Car like 007, them alloys spin in Pirellis. # I'm with a gold digging

heffa. # I call her miss Moneypenny. # is it real? Is it fake? Somebody

gimme a break. # I grew up on minimum wage and I grew up in an

estate. # These rappers calling me bruv and they can't even relate. #

Are they even ready and willing do anything that it takes? # I saw my

teacher from college. # she says she thinks that I'm great. # I'm gonna

give her the D. # cos she never gimme an A. # She's try'na get in my

jeans. # I'm try'na kick off my J's. # Take of my D and give her my

DNA. # cos all these be loving me, sipping my bubbly. # Watching

Hangover Hungover be the quickest recovery. # Couple bad grades. I did

s in my study. # And now she wants my name and a kiss on them double

D's. # And I love it. I've got too much love to burn, babe. # Ain't got

no time to exchange words, babe # Things to do. # People to see, yeah.

# I guess we all gotta play the game. # Well, I'm a lover not a

fighter. # So a kiss that girl and say good-bye now. # 'cos I came for

kicks not for arguments. # No, woah, oh, oh. # 'cos I'm a lover not a

fighter. # Yeah. Hello. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tinie Tempah and Labrinth as well! Very good. Thank you, thank you. We

loved it. Thank you so much. Len, what would you say to that

performance? It was almost a foxtrot. It was good. It's ridge

make and plenty going on. We try. Thank you Len. That was really good.

Len liked it. People think I'm an old fuddy dude, I'm with it --

duddy, I'm with it a bit. LAUGHTER

Before we go, time for a story in the red chair. Who's there? Hi. Hi.

I have high hopes for you. What's your name? Debbie. Live?

Leatherhead. What is, what is... Well, any way. Where is that?

Surrey. It's in Surrey! Surrey, Julie. I know. What do you do? I

work in accounts. Oh, dear. No. I like the look of Debbie. All

right. She's got trapped in accounts. She never intended to stay

there. She's dreaming of getting out of there. Her private life is

probably very interesting. That's true. She just does that for money.

Come 5pm, woo-hoo. Leatherhead, I tell you. The seedy side of

Leatherhead. Sorry Debbie, we forgot about you. ?. Off you go. I used to

be quite overweight. I was about 14 stone. I had a boyfriend who was

lovely and he invited me round his house. Went round the house and his

parents were eating their dinner. He was eating with the parents. They

said go and sit in the lounge and wait for him to finish. Lovely

lounge, fluffy cushions, it was Christmas, looked gorgeous. Sat on

the sofa, heard a cracking noise, got up, I'd sat on the cat and broke

its back and it was dead. No! No. No. That's not an anecdote.

That's a confession. APPLAUSE

if you'd like to join us on the show, look for tickets via our

website. Thank you to my guests Tinie Tempah, Miranda Hart, Julie

Walters, and Mr Len Goodman! APPLAUSE

It's Christmas. No show next week, but join me on New Year's Eve for a

bumper show with Frank Skinner, Joan and Jackie Collins, Michael Buble,

the entire Anchorman cast and reunited at last, the stars of Monty

Python. Until then, very merry Christmas, goodbye everybody,

goodbye.