Episode 12 The Graham Norton Show

On tonight's show, two top detectives from Luther

and Broadchurch. I'd be a great detective.

Now, madam, where were you on the night of January 17th at 10:35?

-Sleeping.

-No, you're here.

-I was here.

-You're here. It's now.

Let's start the show!

Oh, oh, hello!

Hello over there!

Hello back there! Hello to you all!

A very warm welcome. We have a great line-up for you tonight.

Star of The Wire, Luther and now the stunning Long Walk To Freedom,

Idris Elba's here, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Back off, lady, security.

Britain's newest national treasure, Olivia Colman, is on this show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Creator and star of the hit US sitcom, Girls,

Lena Dunham is here! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Plus we've got music from the brilliant Keane, ladies and gentlemen. Woo hoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. I tell you, it'll be a sofa full of exciting, happy people.

Sort of the exact opposite of this.

LAUGHTER

Celebrity Big Brother, isn't it great?

Tell you, more faded TV stars than a magistrates court.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What?

Great to have Idris Elba on the show, star of the brilliant

new film about Nelson Mandela, Long Walk To Freedom.

It is a great honour for anyone to have a biopic.

You do wonder who would play me in a film of my life.

LAUGHTER

Stupid. I don't smoke.

Idris, very cool, ladies and gentlemen, very cool man.

No matter what role he's playing, he always looks great.

Whether he's a drug dealer, a policeman, a toasting fork...

LAUGHTER

That's a hard look to carry off.

I'm delighted to welcome Olivia Colman back to the show! Oh!

She starred in the brilliant Broadchurch, of course, as DS Miller.

She's up for a National Television Award for best detective.

And you do think, really? Best detective?

She didn't spot her husband was the murderer. He's upstairs.

In the first episode,

there was the harrowing scene when they removed the body

from the beach. Always traumatic.

Heave!

LAUGHTER

That's it, that's it. Where did I put my chair?

I loved Olivia in the Olympic sitcom Twenty Twelve. Oh, yes.

I enjoyed that one.

I like that people in the audience go, "Oh, yes,

"she was very good in that, yes. I did enjoy that, yes."

Of course, it's the Winter Olympics soon in Russia.

Been a lot of controversy over how welcome

gay athletes are going to be,

but honestly, are there any gay athletes in the Winter Olympics?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I guess we'll never know.

The Winter Olympics, very similar to the Summer Olympics.

In the summer you have the sprint event,

in the winter you have the sprint event.

Summer, the jumps, winter, the jumps.

In the summer, the snatch lifts, and in winter...

LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on!

Later we'll be having music from Keane.

But first, she's keen as mustard, it's Olivia Colman!

CHEERING

-Oh, oh!

-Hello.

-So beautiful.

Hello, darling. So nice to see you.

Sit yourself down, Olivia Colman.

She's the hot star of the cool Girls, it's Lena Dunham.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi!

Hello, darling. So nice to see you.

-Thank you.

-Sit yourself down.

And he's taking the long walk to my sofa,

it's Idris Elba!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey, you made it.

-How are you?

-Really well.

Lovely to see you. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Nice couch, and we often get people on the sofa

who like and admire each other.

But Olivia Colman down the end,

you're like a competition winner tonight.

I know, I'm so excited.

I got so excited in the corridor, meeting them both, I nearly weed.

It would've been so cute if she had.

A little awkward, though.

Oh, not that awkward. Um...

I saw you at the Golden Globes.

-Did you not meet at the Golden Globes?

-No.

-No, I looked at him.

I looked at him extensively.

Is it true that at the Golden Globes,

because you're for film, you're for TV, are you separate?

Um, I think so, yes.

There's a sort of film section and there's a TV section, I guess.

That's a very nice way of putting it.

Basically, it's like all the film people are in a glorious area

with confetti streaming down and you're drinking champagne,

and all the TV people are just like in shanties at the back.

This year I was nominated for both. Not bragging...

It's just true.

TV and film. I chose the film section.

It's the right choice.

No-one's going to visit the TV section if they don't have to.

-Is it one party at the end? Did you dance?

-Yeah.

-I didn't go to the party.

-No?

Did you go to the party?

I did, I went to, like, six.

-The last time I saw you, you were behind the decks.

-Yeah, yeah.

You were doing all this stuff. One on, one off.

He was so good, they had to tell him to stop dancing.

-It's true, isn't it?

-It is, yeah.

It was one of these buildings that is sort of a heritage building.

There were so many people dancing because I'm a great DJ.

The floor was shaking, literally,

and they thought nothing was going to cave in,

so I had to get on the mic,

this is a first, to tell people, "Stop dancing, please."

That was the first time I've ever done that.

-And then you did your Carpenters mix.

-Yeah.

Carpenters, a bit of Jay-Z.

-Do you talk when you DJ?

-Back in the day I did.

-I was a mics man, on the mic.

-You did all that?

"Ladies in the house!" All that stuff?

LAUGHTER

Easy, Graham Norton, what's gwannin'?

-That's called the hype man, right?

-That's right. I was that guy.

-Well done.

-Cool.

And you're young, so obviously dancing, it's your world.

I love to dance. I love to express myself through dance.

I express myself all over my home through dance.

I have to say, I did feel for you.

-There was that episode of Girls, by the way, I'm a big fan...

-Thank you.

There's an episode of Girls where you're high on substances

-and you go clubbing.

-Yeah.

Which was weird, because I've never actually been clubbing

so I had to get really method

and ask a lot of people what clubbing was like.

-But you were in a club with people.

-I was, but it was like 10am.

-Oh, OK.

That same club three days later was where Chris Brown

-and Drake got in a fight over Rihanna.

-Wow.

And I like to think I have something to do with it.

LAUGHTER

I felt because of your character was a bit out of her head

so she swapped her top...

With a handsome gay man.

-But you ended up in a string vest and no bra.

-It's true.

For the whole episode.

Which seemed like the funniest idea in the writer's room.

"Oh, my God, my nipples are going to be out for the entire episode."

Then the reality of having my nipples out

for the entire episode...

The worst was that by the end it was normal.

In the end my breasts had lost...

If they hadn't already lost all their power, it had just gone.

Olivia, as an actress, where do you stand on the whole kit off thing?

I'd rather not.

-You'd rather not take your shirt off, you mean?

-Yes.

That's a totally respectable choice.

In fact, it might be THE respectable choice.

Those days have long gone.

Early on, what was the audition where you dressed all sexy?

Yes, that was, yeah...

It was very early on, so my third or fourth ever audition.

I was going to see a really well-known, well-respected

theatre casting director. I was so excited.

I had this script sent through.

The character was quite a raunchy hooker.

So I bought some fishnets and I had my top as low as I dared

and a short skirt, and I wore a big duffel on the way there.

When I got there, I took it off and she sort of looked at me.

I was thinking that wasn't the reaction I was hoping for.

Then she was saying,

"What did you think about the character of Matilda?" or something.

I was thinking, "I don't think that's the character I was looking at."

There was half an hour of trying to pretend I knew

what she was talking about, and then she realised I hadn't got

the same script that she had, and passed over the real script,

which was about nuns.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

I've never been in to see her again.

Wondered what I was doing.

That's the best story I've ever heard.

I didn't get the job.

Idris, the weird thing is I haven't seen you do many sex scenes,

and I have looked.

They're not out there.

I did one.

I did a sex scene with Beyonce.

-Did you?!

-I didn't see that.

-What was that?

-In a film called Obsessed.

-I didn't see that.

So going to buy that now.

-I'll be out there googling.

-It wasn't a sex scene, we just...

Netflix are going to see a surge this evening.

-We just had a kiss, we played husband and wife.

-Oh, yeah.

I tend not to do sex scenes that often.

I don't get the romantic lead very often.

I hear you've got a sexy look, you've perfected it.

-For when the call comes.

-Oh, yeah, man.

-You've got your sexy look.

-Oh, yeah.

OK, do the sexy look down there.

LAUGHTER

-How's that?

-Olivia?

-What, have I got to do a look?

No, I just thought you might be peeing.

Oh!

-It works.

-It would work.

It renders them speechless.

Listen, Idris, huge congratulations to you.

Mandela, Long Walk To Freedom.

It's a career-defining performance.

-Thank you, man.

-It puts you on a different level.

-Thank you very much.

-It's just phenomenal.

If you haven't seen it yet, it's still out,

-it's still playing everywhere.

-Yes.

-Ladies, have you seen it?

-Yes, I have.

I have too, it's beautiful.

-Thank you very much.

-Beautiful.

Look at them!

I've been rendered slightly mute.

We're both, like... "Yes, I have."

No, I really have.

What's extraordinary about this film is the timing.

It's gone from being a biopic

into being this amazing celebration of a life and of his achievements.

-Yeah.

-That night - nothing could have prepared you for that night,

-because it was the night of the premiere.

-I know.

It was crazy, because it was this moment -

being back home in England, with a film like this,

and a character like that, it was the biggest moment of my life.

I had 30 members of my family there.

You know, came out to Leicester Square

and there I was on a poster, and London had come out.

It was just a wicked moment.

And then of course the Royal family were there, and that was great.

Then, of course, the night ended with this moment of...

you know, announcing to the audience that Mr Mandela had passed.

And that... You can't write that stuff.

It was so... It was just weird.

-You had to announce to the audience?

-Yeah.

-I just got chills.

-Mm.

-Yeah.

-I went onstage with the producer to announce it,

you know, I was literally in tears,

and so was Anant Singh, the producer.

The audience were stunned into silence.

-I mean, it was just so weird.

-Wow.

And the film, it's brought you to the White House?

-There was a screening at the White House?

-Yeah.

Wow, that's... Like, I'm sure you've been to amazing places

-but that must still be quite a cool thing.

-It was, yeah...

-IMITATES OBAMA:

-I went to see President Obama...

..who said, "Idris is a very cool guy."

-That's amazing.

-Thank you.

That's another role I'm preparing for.

Do it, do it.

Black president, it'll be a series.

And the crazy thing is, it brought you all this success,

but you did turn it down. You weren't going to do this.

Yeah, I was nervous about it.

I thought it was a joke - I thought Roger, my agent,

was taking the piss.

-It would've been like, "Do you want to play God?"

-Exactly.

I was like, "God? No, I'm all right."

But no, really, I thought he was taking the piss,

and I was like, "Come on, Roger, seriously,

"Morgan Freeman must be available."

Why are you calling me with this?

And then I was really nervous about taking the role.

You know that kind of feeling, like, "If I mess this up,

"then good night, it's curtains for Idris." You know?

I did turn it down. But...

-Not so much turned it down, but took my time to answer.

-Yeah.

And then I said, "Of course I will. Yes, please."

And, you know, the performance is great.

We knew you were really good - the American accent,

because Stringer Bell in the Wire is flawless.

But this is more than an accent. It's such a recognisable voice.

-Yeah, yeah.

-So was it just you locked in a room

-with newsreels and footage?

-I mean, I listened to his voice a lot.

You know, I say this all the time, but my late dad had a voice

that was similar, in my head, anyway,

to what I think Mr Mandela's sounded like in real life -

I hadn't met him.

And I had two voice coaches with me,

someone that helped me with Xhosa, which is the language he speaks,

and then English and the technical stuff.

So I kind of learned what his voice was doing

and trying to figure out a way to make my voice sound like his.

I also learned his cadence.

You know, it's an interpretation of his voice.

I don't think it's exactly perfect. But I certainly wanted to...

Because I look like Mr Mandela so much...

LAUGHTER

It's uncanny.

No, but because I don't,

I really wanted to give the audience something they could hold on to,

and the voice was it, I think.

All right, well, let's have a look at your performance.

This is you at the end of the trial before you're sent to Robben Island.

Yeah.

A just share in the whole of South Africa.

We want equal political rights.

One man, one vote.

I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people.

I have fought against White domination.

I have fought against Black domination.

I have cherished the ideal of a free, democratic society,

where all persons live together in harmony with equal opportunities.

It is an ideal which I hope to live for and achieve,

but if needs be,

it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

-APPLAUSE

-Wow.

If that had played for one more second, I would have sobbed.

-Beautiful.

-I know. Great voi... and such an extraordinary story.

I suppose, what struck me is that because - some of those scenes,

you are performing in front of hundreds,

I'm sure sometimes thousands,

of South African extras, so, like, you're getting instant feedback.

-You know, you know whether you've nailed this or not.

-Oh, yeah.

So you must have got properly nervous.

Mate, you know, South African crews, they won't let you lie.

There's no lying, you know?

You either be Mr Mandela or you walk out of here.

I remember walking out and there was like 600 extras

and this one guy came round and he goes...

And I started to speak and I forgot my line,

and all I heard was, "Come on, Stringer Bell."

I was like, "Agh..."

So, you know, I had to really put my foot into that part

because this is about a very famous man

that's very important to South Africans.

-So they wouldn't let me just mess around with it.

-Yeah.

The Robben Island scenes, were they filmed on Robben Island?

Some of them, yeah. Some of them.

We re-created a prison and made a replica of his cell in a studio.

-And you spent the night on Robben Island?

-Yeah.

-I won't do that again.

-No!

-That sounds like a good actor idea, but terrible human idea.

-Stupid.

It was terrifying. The place is haunted, it's awful.

I mean - the security guard...

they said, "Look, you have to take this phone."

I was like, "I don't need the phone."

They was like, "No, you have to take it,

"just in case you really want to leave."

You know? So, "Take the phone, all right? And call us." You know?

The security guard was about a mile away

from where I was being stationed inside the prison.

Anyway, so I've gone, "Oh, take the phone.

"I don't need the phone."

Sat in the prison cell and, like, picked up the phone.

And then, there was no service, of course.

And I was like, "Wow, I'm really going to stay here the night."

We're so lucky that you made this movie, thank you.

-Thank you very much, I appreciate that.

-It's gorgeous.

And of course, Olivia Colman,

you were in the last big political biopic. The Iron Lady.

-No, that is true!

-Sorry, didn't mean the giggle.

No, but you were in it! I'm not making this up!

It feels a bit silly compared to that.

It's a little hard to move on from that clip

and say anything funny, I have to say.

-You play Carol Thatcher.

-SHE CHUCKLES

So, how much preparation goes into...

-Well, obviously you put a nose on.

-I did have a nose.

But what else goes on, preparing for Carol Thatcher?

I should make up some shit, but um...

Er...I watched I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Guys, can we make a promise here and now

that neither of you will ever go on that show.

Or any reboot of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here?

-I promise, faithfully.

-No. I want to do Big Brother.

-OK.

-Do you?

-No.

LAUGHTER

God forbid.

But when you're playing something like a detective, do you do...?

Like for Broadchurch, did you do preparation?

No.

Sorry.

David did. And I could ask him questions.

It seems silly doubling up.

I-I... To defend my actions,

I don't think my character spoke in the same rhythms as detectives,

so I thought it would be better if I didn't have that influence.

Good answer.

Now I feel really stupid for staying the night in prison.

-APPLAUSE

-You won't do it again.

But talking about real people...

Are you playing yourself in Girls?

A version of myself. Not my exact self.

I definitely - you have two very accomplished people

who've played historical figures,

and I just play a kind-of-like-myself person,

who gives hand jobs.

So...I probably shouldn't be here.

I feel ashamed.

Aww. Listen, this show, Girls,

if you haven't seen this show, Girls,

it is just a huge hit in the States, it's on HBO.

Here it's on Sky Atlantic.

Series three starts next Monday at 10pm.

But series one and two are available as box sets,

-or you can also get them on demand.

-Thank you, Graham.

Yeah - I want people to see Girls. I love it. It's a great show.

That's so nice of you to say.

And if people aren't familiar with the show - tell us about it.

It's about four girlfriends in New York City

trying to figure it out.

I don't know if that sounds familiar to anybody.

-COUGHS:

-Sex And The City.

It's so funny, because we've done three years

and at this point people have realised the differences

with Sex And The City. It's just unavoidable -

they are and always will be the four-girls-in-New-York-City show,

and we bow down to them.

But, yeah, it's about four friends

who think they are better people than they actually are

and the challenges and collisions of being young

and trying to make your life work.

-It's just brilliantly observed.

-Thank you.

-It's really funny,

and it's the social awkwardness...

We've got a flavour of what it's like.

-This is a clip from the first episode of season three.

-Yes.

So, one of your friends has broken up. Your boyfriend...

One of my friends has been brutally dumped

and my boyfriend has run into the guy who brutally dumped her

and has promised to keep it a secret from her.

Here we go.

-You saw Charlie?

-Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

You know, it wasn't...

We're not really friends.

Did you know?

No, he did not tell me that he ran into Charlie on Bedford Avenue.

-Did he ask about me?

-Of course not.

Yeah, actually. He said, "How's Marnie?"

-What did you say?

-I said, "She's good. She's good.

"She seems very clean."

He said you had a new job, he said you had a new boyfriend from Spain.

Did he seem like he had a girlfriend?

You all look very gorgeous this evening.

Thank you. Why don't we have some chips?

I didn't buy these chips for my health. You know what I'm saying?

-Cheers to your...book, Hannah, really.

-Thank you so much,

but Marnie, we're not going to talk about my book right now.

This isn't the appropriate time

to discuss my incredibly exciting professional endeavour.

No, it is the time, it's totally the time.

We should also talk about how...good this taco is, huh?

Am I right?

I'm sorry...

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

I think we can all admit that looks like a real sack of crap

after the Mandela thing.

-No, no, that's looks great.

-Thank you.

My favourite thing.

-We need different shows, we need different things.

-Yeah.

But what's weird is, it's probably not FOR me,

but I really enjoy it. I love it.

I'm so glad. I hope it's for everyone,

because no matter what your age or sex,

-you can always relate to being a douche bag.

-Yeah.

Also you can relate - I do remember what being that age was, just about.

But I've heard you talking -

you know, you're an award-winning writer,

and yet I've heard you say that you still find it hard composing texts.

Yeah, it's the most stress... I mean, now...

In my single days,

I was extraordinarily bad at composing texts.

And I'm lucky that I'm with someone who thinks it's OK

when I write them the worst three-paragraph texts

about my emotions consistently throughout the day.

But that doesn't work as well when you're in the single flirting phase.

In college once, I hooked up with a guy,

didn't hear from him for a couple of months,

which was not unusual for me.

And then he sent me a text that said, "Happy new year."

And I said, "Happy new year. I'm pregnant."

I thought it was the funniest thing that had ever happened.

He did not.

I remember after a one-night stand once,

in the morning, you know, there was a kind of text...

I texted back, "I love you." Because I thought it was hilarious.

-It is hilarious.

-Nothing.

It's so funny.

That's the kind of joke where if someone gets it...

Then you might fall in love with them.

Yeah, because they'd be so cool and chillin' with it.

My husband - we text each other "I love you" and things,

and every now and again he'll write back, "Who is this?"

That's so funny!

I bet Idris is good at texting.

-Mm...no.

-No?

I would say...

I don't know what time of night, there comes a time of night

when someone should just take Idris' phone away.

Yes.

Because did you mean to send this to the world?

Oh, no, don't do it!

Agh.

-No...

-Did you tweet that?

I did, man. I had this phone...

-I'm so glad you said that.

-I was sending it to this chick.

I was like, "It's late," you know what I'm saying,

"Come over, this is me."

Was it meant to be a text?

And, then, you know, I was scrolling down,

I looked away for a second, looked back

-and it has gone Twitter - send.

-Oh!

And you now that bar that goes, "Doo-doo - sending."

And I was like, "Argh!"

-Can I just say, that could have been much worse.

-Oh, yeah.

It could've been a picture of my nuts or something.

-You know what I mean?

-Yes.

It could've been awful. "I'm coming round later."

LAUGHTER

I'm so glad that everyone got to see that.

I'm not.

Listen, we wonder, anybody in the audience have a good flirty text?

Anyone at all? Oh, look, people are putting - oh, look.

-Wow!

-Very proud of themselves.

Anyone else?

-Are you in a relationship?

-I am.

-Are you in a relationship?

-Yes.

Do you have any in yours?

Well, I'm in a relationship, so I should say no.

Wow. Anyone else?

Here's a lady. Hello. Hi, what's your name?

-Thea. Thea.

-Hello...

-Hello.

-Where are you from, Thea?

-I'm from Norway.

-Do you live here now?

-Yes, live here now.

OK. The text you're going to show me, is it in English?

Yes, it's in English.

Good. Otherwise it'll be quite dull.

Hilarious for our Scandinavian viewers, but...

-So, who is this now?

-It's an English guy that I met.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes.

-Is it nice? Is it sweet?

-It's nice, yeah.

-Oh...

OK. Oh, hang on. It's gone a bit dark.

Who is saying, "What are you up to?" Is that him?

-Yes.

-OK. "What you up to?

"Hey stranger, sorry I've been so absent."

This is useless, isn't it?

When somebody says "I've been so absent."

Is he studying psychology or something?

That would be a worrying sign, but no, he's not.

OK, OK.

"Sorry I've been so absent,

"something came up and then I ran away to Scotland for Christmas..."

Oh, what a loser.

"If you're out and about, you should come home via Pimlico and see me."

OK, can I just say,

that is not sweet.

I just realised that's a bit sad, if that's the best text I got.

Have you replied to this yet?

-No.

-We could reply to it.

APPLAUSE

Do you know - what's his name?

It's James.

I love the friend, "JAMES!"

Can I borrow your phone?

I'll take it back to experts, and we'll reply.

Wow!

What are we going to say?

Let's do it.

Do you want me to come over to you?

No, no. I can type.

Here's what I'd write. "I'm slightly unimpressed by your manoeuvres."

Slow down.

This is going to be good for you, I promise.

You're adorable and you can do better.

-Manoeuvres may be spelt wrong. But anyway...

-That's OK.

-She's not from here.

-Yeah!

"I'm slightly unimpressed by your manoeuvres. Try again."

Oh, I like that! "Try again."

-Can I add a bit?

-Yeah, go.

-Pass the phone.

-No, I'll do it.

-Going to do a photo?

-Unless you're going to take a picture.

Yeah. "Here's a picture of my boyfriend."

Oh, let's do it!

Let's do it!

That's really good!

APPLAUSE

All right.

I'll... I'll hang on to your phone.

If James replies...

She's in a private hell right now.

Thank you very much, Thea.

Now, in terms of romance, February 14th, Valentine's Day,

Olivia Colman, what will you be doing on Valentine's Day?

Oh...

Er...

LAUGHTER

-WHISPERS: Is this about the film?

-Yes.

I'll be watching a film.

LAUGHTER

-Your film comes out on February 14th.

-OK...

-No, I know...

-Oh, my God, it's like pulling teeth.

Wait - cos I thought you meant... The premiere's before that,

so I won't actually be watching it on that day.

I thought you meant what would I be doing?

I was thinking, I don't know if I want to tell you what I'd be doing.

Only as a...bit of whimsy,

saying, "Well, I'll be sitting with millions of others in a cinema

"watching my new film Cuban Fury."

So sorry. I see what you did, now.

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

This is Cuban Fury, a new British comedy,

-with yourself and Nick Frost...

-Yeah, I'm not on the poster.

..and Chris O'Dowd. Isn't that...?

Oh, no, but it could be you, with the leg in the air.

Yeah. Now, I can safely say, ladies and gentleman,

without fear of contradiction,

it is the best British-based, salsa rom-com I have ever seen.

-Thank you.

-That can go on the poster.

Yeah. For sure.

No, it's a really funny, sweet film.

-It is a lovely film.

-Now, who are you?

Um, I can't actually remember the name of my character, but I...

LAUGHTER

It was a while ago.

Do you dance a lot, though?

Yes, thank you for saving me. I do.

In that... Um...

Well, Nick Frost is the lead guy.

And he...as a child...

Oh, I'm his sister, that's it! I'm his sister

-And...

-Well remembered.

-Thank you.

And as children he was salsa champion,

endless cups and awards and things.

And we used to go off and do competitions,

and I was his dance partner.

And then something happened and his life changed

and salsa wasn't for him after that moment.

And then cut to Nick Frost, present day,

or whatever his character's called... And, um... Bruce! He's called Bruce!

APPLAUSE And...

I can't believe people are applauding you

for remembering the names of people in your own film.

It was ages ago.

You know this feeling, you film something, two years ago...

Nelson Mandela.

"I play this bloke, um..."

OK, so you play - he's a dancer.

So he's... Yeah, and for the film....

So, he falls in love with Rashida Jones.

Got the name!

-That's Quincy Jones' daughter, right?

-Yes!

-She's beautiful.

-She IS beautiful.

-She's LOVELY.

And, um...he discovers that... Am I giving away the plot?

-Yes.

-I can't tell anything...

I think maybe you've told us enough now.

-OK.

-I'm going to stop you now.

-He dances again...

-Yes.

-..and he's amazing.

-But so do you, so do you.

-Yes.

We know you're big into preparation,

-but you must have had some dance lessons.

-We had to, I was forced to.

Because I had to dance onscreen, so I had to practise.

You look good, though.

Well, there is... As you know, they have people who actually can dance,

who... Because I can only spin three times before I vomit. So...

We do have a picture of you in rehearsals,

where it doesn't look like it's going that well.

That's the best thing I've ever seen.

I also love that you're wearing like a full sweat suit and heels.

They're Christian Louboutins, as well. Wow!

No, I think that's the glow of a heater or something on the sole.

-No...

-Did you get good?

-Well, um...

I don't know.

The choreographer would probably be laughing.

I got much better.

-Show us a move, go on. One move.

-No, don't make me do that.

-Dance, dance, dance!

-No!

You can't do that!

-Get naked, naked, naked, naked!

-You can't make me do that!

-I can't do it!

-Go on, just one move!

-Look.

Ahh.

I tell you what, we'll have a compromise.

Can I just say, Olivia - you owe me.

-We'll watch a clip where you dance.

-I'm so excited.

That was very convincing.

-We'll watch a clip where you dance.

-Thank you.

OK. Here you go.

-You're wasting your life.

-What do you know?

You are 35 years old and you are working as a hula girl.

Oh, sorry, no hula woman. Ooh! Ugh!

-Good shot.

-Thanks.

Musica, maestro.

What about these guys?

What about these guys?

HE TRILLS

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

Let's go!

Come on!

Hooray!

APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-That makes me want to dance, now.

-Woo!

-Woo!

CHEERING

OK... It's time for some music.

They are one of the most successful British bands in recent years,

and they've just released their greatest hits.

Performing Everybody's Changing, it is Keane!

MUSIC: "Everybody's Changing" by Keane

# You say you wander

# Your own land

# When I think about it I don't see how you can

# You're aching

# You're breaking

# And I can see the pain in your eyes

# Says everybody's changing and I don't know why

# So little time

# Try to understand

# That I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game

# I try to stay awake and remember my name

# But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

# You're gone from here

# Soon you will disappear

# Fading into beautiful light

# Cos everybody's changing and I don't feel right

# So little time

# Try to understand

# That I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game

# I try to stay awake and remember my name

# But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

# So little time

# Try to understand

# That I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game

# I try to stay awake and remember my name

# But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

# Oh, everybody's changing and I don't feel the same. #

APPLAUSE

Keane, everybody!

Come on over. Yes!

-Thank you.

-Beautiful job, sir.

-Have a seat beside Olivia. Well done.

-Hello!

-Hello.

-All right?

-Yeah, good.

Hi, it's a pleasure.

-Well done.

-Beautiful.

Sit down - Tom, Tom and Tim representatives of Keane on Earth.

-You've all met and that's all very good.

-Apart from the other two.

Well, they're stepping off to the bar and they're happy.

-No, they're hanging around.

-They're waving.

Losers!

That's from the greatest hits album.

-Best selling greatest hits album last year.

-I believe.

-Really?

-Yeah, someone told me.

You should check that, but apparently that's true.

Now, the thing about a greatest hits album,

is you do think, "Ooh, that possibly means goodbye Keane.

"Keane not so keen."

-So is this the end of Keane?

-Never heard that joke before.

I know. Well, you called the band Keane, come on.

What is happening?

Well, we're going to take a bit of a break.

-Ohh...

-Yeah.

I like it, sympathy.

Maybe that's enough to keep carrying on.

-So it's over for a while.

-Yeah.

Well, I've got a few things I'd like to do this year.

-What?

-LAUGHTER

Go on a 12-month holiday?

Solo.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe that. Yeah, a few things, personal things.

Now, Christmas, of course, was all about another Keane hit,

because of course the John Lewis ad was a Keane song,

-Lily Allen's version...

-I love that!

-..of Somewhere Only We Know.

Now, I just assumed, "Oh, that's good for Keane."

But it was mostly good for Tim.

-Royalties-wise, you mean.

-Yeah.

Er... Yeah, I don't know.

-Well, didn't you write that song?

-I did, yes. Absolutely.

-So that was a really good Christmas for you.

-Yeah.

Nice little bonus.

Especially after the greatest hits. Pretty good Christmas.

Forget Jingle Bells. That's like ker-ching.

-LENA:

-Is that a big ad... I'm not from this country.

It was a big Christmas ad, but also Lily Allen was singing it,

it also became the Christmas number one...

No, it wasn't Christmas number one,

-it was number one leading up to Christmas for weeks.

-Wow.

-Yeah, so, like...

-Lily Allen is a singer.

I know who Lily Allen is!

Thank you.

But there was a lot of discussion about the ad.

Because it was about a bear and... was that a hare or rabbit?

-Hare, yeah.

-That were friends.

And a lot of people pointed out that that was unlikely in nature.

There's so much about that advert that's unlikely.

Yeah!

They're not going to buy each other presents from John Lewis.

That's unlikely.

-That's true.

-And bears like to use rabbits to wipe their arses

after they've taken a shit.

Something else to remember.

And an alarm clock is never an acceptable gift.

It's a terrible gift.

I don't know if you remember,

before Christmas Private Eye did a cover

which reflected a lot of people's worries about the ad.

Can we zoom in on there, and what the bear is saying?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, don't wake a bear.

Well, good luck with the greatest hits album,

and I hope it's not the end of Keane.

-I hope there's more Keane.

-Yeah, more.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

They're so like, "Yeah..."

The minute this show is over, I'm never going to see this man again.

Right, before we go tonight, just time for a story in the red chair.

So, who be there? Who be there?

-Hello.

-Hi!

-Hi!

-Are you very tall?

-Yes, very.

-How tall are you?

-Er, 5'11".

-Oh, is that all?

You look like you're seven feet tall!

-Are you on a cushion or something?

-No. Well, just the one on the chair.

Obviously, yes.

-Bizarre. What's your name, nice lady?

-Rachel.

-And where are you from, Rachel?

-I'm from Stoke-on-Trent.

Oh, lovely. What do you do up there?

-I'm a mobile hairdresser.

-A mobile hairdresser!

So you come to them?

-Yes, I go to people's houses.

-Oh, my God!

Do you have one of those hairdryers

that's like a spaceman's helmet on a stand?

No, I don't, actually,

but I do have a bird table that I have to use to put all my stuff on.

You bring a bird table?

LAUGHTER

Do you have a name on the side of your van?

On my van?! I don't drive a van!

How do you transport your bird table?

-I just stick it in the boot.

-Oh, OK, fair enough.

She's very mobile.

OK, off you go with your story, Rachel.

Well, a couple of years ago,

I had a boyfriend who had long hair and a beard.

We were driving one day to work, and someone crashed in the back of us.

So we got out of car and it was actually a nun who got out car

that had crashed into the back of us.

She took one look at my boyfriend and started shouting,

"Oh, my God, the Lord's come for me."

Thought he was Jesus...

so, ran, jumped back in the car

and drove off and left us on this roundabout in shock.

So, we managed to get her licence plate

and we had to report it to the police.

So we had to ring work and tell them we were going to be late

cos this nun had crashed into us,

and the police had to go and track this nun down

and she got arrested for leaving the scene of the accident.

-Good story.

-Good story!

You can walk. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Well, if you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in the red chair, you can.

Just contact us via our website, at this very address.

Thank you to all my guests tonight - Keane, ladies and gentlemen.

Olivia Colman.

Lena Dunham...

..and Mr Idris Elba.

Join me next week with comedian Lee Mack,

musical guest Katy B,

-football star Thierry Henry...

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

-I know!

Oscar-nominated actress Keira Knightley

and actor-director Sir Kenneth Branagh.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, goodbye!