Episode 13 The Graham Norton Show

CHEERING

On the show tonight,

we've got the sexiest French footballer of all time!

Oops! Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello. Hello, hello.

HE LAUGHS

Hello, good evening and welcome one, welcome all. Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo.

-AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-Yeah, all right, enough whooping.

Hey, we've got a very exciting sofa for you tonight.

Acting royalty, Sir Kenneth Branagh is here.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I know! Smell the quality!

British actress turned Hollywood superstar,

Keira Knightley is here, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hilarious comic Lee Mack is on the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, and, French footballing legend Thierry Henry will be dropping in.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know!

Plus, we've got music from the fabulous Katy B.

Yes, we do.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

Oh, do you know, even I am very excited to talk to Thierry Henry.

Thierry Henry. You know, he's one of France's greatest ever footballers.

That's him helping to defeat England.

Now, I'm not saying England are rubbish,

but this is the last time they beat the French.

LAUGHTER

As well as France, Thierry has played for many years at Arsenal.

Do you know, they've even built a statue of him at the stadium.

They have. And you think, that's very nice, very flattering.

And you know, I believe Manchester United have just unveiled

one of Wayne Rooney.

LAUGHTER

Spot on. It's a good likeness, it really is.

That's a talented artist.

Hey, delighted to welcome Keira Knightley onto the show.

The star of so many lavish period films.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

All right, lads. Look. Your man cheering, he was like...

You don't have a hope!

LAUGHTER

Here she is in King Arthur, wielding the famous sword Excalibur.

HE GROWLS

Now, King Arthur was shot on location in the West of England.

You wouldn't believe how rainy it was when they filmed the fight scene. Terrible.

LAUGHTER

What a flood. I blame gay marriage.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Anyway... I loved Keira in Atonement, so romantic.

Look at her there, gazing wistfully into the middle distance

surrounded by flowers.

Of course, not everyone can pull that look off.

LAUGHTER

That's Kenneth Branagh as Detective Wallander.

Looks like another case of rape.

LAUGHTER

There are farmers in! Yay!

It's a cash crop joke.

Now, Kenneth's here to talk about his new film

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

where as well as directing, he stars as a Russian baddie.

Ooh, there he is.

On the phone, "Yes, Mr Putin,

-"we'll keep all the gays out of the country, yes."

-LAUGHTER

As the head of the Winter Olympics, Russian Prime Minister Putin

still continuing his crackdown on gays in Russia. Yeah.

Here is the completely heterosexual Putin.

LAUGHTER

Is someone trying a little hard?

The only way Putin could look more gay is if that horse

was a unicorn.

LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on!

Later on I'll be meeting Thierry Henry, but first,

the brightest spark on the comedy circuit, it's Lee Mack!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, sir.

-Hello, how are you?

-Welcome, welcome, sit you down.

-Thank you. Hello.

She's the best period actress, full stop.

-It's Keira Knightley, everybody!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, beautiful, beautiful!

-Thank you.

-Lovely to see you. Sit down, Keira Knightley.

-Hello.

And is this a star I see before me? Yes, it's Sir Kenneth Branagh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, sir. Nice to see you.

-How are you?

-I'm really well.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very nice to see you all.

Luckily, as luck would have it,

on the day that Thierry Henry is on the show...

-You do all follow the football, don't you?

-Yes, indeed, yes.

Thierry, of course, legendarily played here for a north London team

that I'm not a fan of so I respect and admire him from a distance.

-He'll be sitting there.

-Yes, I'm probably going to move over.

-Are you Tottenham?

-Yes.

CHEERING AND BOOING

Tell you what, can I just say, let's get this out of our system now.

Does anyone here support Arsenal? Please God, somebody does.

-CHEERING

-It's been rigged!

I don't want him to walk on and people just go, "Boo!"

-What team do you support?

-West Ham.

-CHEERING

-Awesome. That's amazing.

-Is that every West Ham fan in?

-Pretty much!

Let's see how you do with cheering, Lee. Who do you support?

This is going to take the roof off. Blackburn Rovers.

MUTED CHEERING

One bloke. Everyone else thinks it's a place in Middle Earth.

You will help me out with the footballing chat. Yes. Very good.

The other exciting thing... The last time you were here,

you were a mere mortal, now you are "Sir" Kenneth Branagh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

-It's a fabulous thing.

Yes, it was pretty amazing.

Obviously you go to Buckingham Palace, it's quite something,

go through that gate, everybody's standing outside taking pictures.

But you do get terrified.

Frankly, you're terrified of stepping on dogs

-cos those corgis are everywhere.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

I was waiting, there was a long, long corridor

and the music was playing and suddenly it was hush

and you knew she was coming, she was coming.

You could see there were guys in uniform and then before she arrived,

just four little corgis in advance.

Slightly nerve-racking when you actually get to do the knighting bit

because you're terrified of putting your knee on one.

-That would spoil the day!

-I think so.

-What did she say to you?

Do you know, I have no idea.

You are so nervous, I mean she could have been saying anything.

She might have said, "I hate your films."

"Thank you very much."

"You seem a bit of an idiot." "Absolutely, thank you so much."

You're mumbling away. You are in a kind of dream.

-You were doing the nodding?

-A lot of nodding.

Then she very firmly moves you away to let you know...

She has to, because lots of people are there, completely tongue-tied.

-What were you doing?

-Well...

-"Back off, Branagh."

LAUGHTER

I did hear that when she said,

"Easy, tiger! Easy, tiger!" "You, out now!"

The Queen, I know you were saying she shrugged you away

but I got told it's the opposite.

That in normal situations, when she's not doing that,

she doesn't walk away,

someone will lead her away to the next person

and I just don't think she likes you.

Now I'm thinking that I should have brushed my teeth, you know.

I've heard that before,

she shakes your hand and goes sort of like that.

I did the Jubilee thing.

We hosted... The comedians did a minute each

and we all had to go backstage and meet her.

The thing to do, when she pushes it back, you just push it back again.

I've never met a Royal in my life. I'm thinking, "Wait a minute!"

-You've never met any?

-No.

-Even I've met some!

-Have you?

-Yes!

You've met a few queens...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Don't clap that. Don't clap that.

-Boo! Boo!

So listen, listen, we must move on, because Keira and Kenneth,

you come hot foot from your premiere of Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit,

which I've seen and it's really exciting, a proper thriller.

-Thanks very much.

-It's thrilling. It opens tonight,

stars both of you and you directed it as well.

I did direct it, yeah. And I got to play the villain.

I get to bring Keira Knightley into my wicked plot

and also to get in the way of Chris Pine,

so I was very lucky to work with the pair of them. It was great.

Keira, because Ken's directing this, if you are in a scene with him,

-how odd is that?

-It's quite weird.

Especially cos he's the baddie and he's a psychotic baddie in it.

We've got one scene where... Are you trying to kill me?

I'm not sure what you are trying to do,

but he's being horrible to me, he's being psychotic

and we're in the back of a truck

and I'm tied up like that and he's screaming at me

and he'd be screaming at me in this Russian accent

and all of a sudden it will be like, "OK, cut. That was lovely.

"Thank you so much".

-I wasn't as camp as that, was I?

-You were.

I thought I was all Russian and butch and I stayed that way.

You know, movies are often...

In this kind of story they are about moments.

You need to get that moment right

and sometimes the great thing is you can go back and do it again.

We have an interesting series of scenes

-while Chris Pine is trying to save the world.

-In the restaurant?

-Yes.

That is a white-knuckle ride.

He is distracted - quelle surprise -

by this woman and her love of Russian literature,

which is a winner for the guy that I play.

And we got to do... We played the scenes as one whole thing

and did it many times, repeated and improvised a bit.

And who's not going to love doing that? Thank you very much.

I'm totally... In sitcom land, you get one or two takes, that's it.

I'm so jealous. In my show, I go, "Can we do that again because..."

And they go, "No, we're moving on."

And I go, "My flies were undone and my cock was out."

"Fine. We'll just go with it."

LAUGHTER

-No-one noticed!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Zing! Zing! right back at you!

Listen, we must watch a clip of your movie!

This is the two of you and you, the baddie,

have whisked away Keira Knightley

and Chris Pine is playing Jack Ryan - wants her back!

HORN BLARES

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Kathy!

-I hope for your sake you have not yet transmitted

the information you stole from me.

We haven't started transmitting yet. I still have the stick drive.

Very good. Very good, Jack.

Let us hope Kathy and I can believe you.

If not, I have always found in these situations,

the sweetest results are achieved by working with loved ones.

-You know I have what you want. Put her on the phone.

-Talk to her.

-Kathy!

-Talk to your fiance.

Kathy! Talk to me!

BRAKES SCREECH

KATHY!

APPLAUSE

Oh! Can I just say, even if it's not Chris Pine,

that is how they drive in Moscow.

I'm getting to that age where I watch that and I thought,

"I hope he's fully comprehensive."

Keira Knightley, you are excellent.

I'm sorry we had a clip where you didn't talk.

-Keira does have lines.

-It's fine. Only a couple, it's fine.

-She speaks throughout the film.

-In a brilliant American accent.

Yes, very good.

-Here's the madness, because look at you, so young, so pretty.

-Thanks.

-Keira Knightley has been in the business for...is it 22 years?

-Yeah.

-That's frightening, isn't it?

-22 years!

-Elaine Paige has only been in it 50!

-I'm catching up.

-You really are.

When you watch The Bill...

I'm sure we watched The Bill all those years ago.

Did you notice Keira Knightley?

Oh, yeah. There we go.

You look exactly the same!

Do you remember what you did?

I do. I played Sheena Rose.

It was still the most exciting character I've ever played

cos I watched The Bill the whole time

and I was so cool at school because I was in The Bill.

Sheena Rose. I stole coins but I found a dead body

-and was traumatised by it.

-Of course.

-Were you in many episodes?

-Just in one. It was great. Loved it.

-You look good in it.

-Thanks.

-Big, green bag.

-How old were you?

Were you 12 when you got the Star Wars movie?

-Star Wars I was 12, yeah.

-That's incredible.

-We've got you in Star Wars.

-Good hairstyle!

-You played Natalie Portman's double.

-Yes.

I didn't know what I was doing when I got it.

They just said... Nobody gives you scripts, it's all very secret.

They kept on shoving me forward and I'd be dressed in exactly

the same thing she was dressed in, but nobody told me why.

Actually, when we got...

Again, I never knew when it was me and when it wasn't.

Sometimes in the wide shots they would use me instead of her,

cos she wanted to go home early so I'd come forward.

Can I ask? I haven't seen this film, I'm so sorry.

Are you her double, in the fictional world you're playing her double?

-I don't know.

-You were a decoy.

If people wanted to kill that princess, Natalie Portman...

-They'd kill me instead.

-I don't know much about decoys and stuff,

but I wouldn't have them stood next to each other.

That's an assassin's dream.

"Where is she? I want to shoot her!"

"You can't miss her, she's stood next to the girl with the white face."

That's totally backfired.

But I would have thought, here's the thing,

you do look incredibly like Natalie Portman.

You would think that would be the end of your career,

in that, you know what I mean?

-We've got one of those already.

-Done.

I guess I grew about two feet taller.

-Just a stretched version, really.

-Then, having been in Star Wars,

how amazing to then be in the next most successful franchise

-of all time, Pirates Of The Caribbean.

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It looks like you're all just on holiday. Was it properly fun?

Yeah, it was great.

You know, I mean, like, sword fighting

and kind of jumping in water and Orlando Bloom, who is lovely,

-and Johnny Depp, who's lovely. So...

-LAUGHTER

Great. They painted on my tits as well, which is always quite fun.

They painted on your tits? Or they painted on...your tits.

-If you go back...

-Was that a scene hand who was bored?

And went, "All right, love? How are you doing, all right?

LAUGHTER

"I always paint on the girls' tits."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Those are painted?

-I mean, they're mine.

-They're not painted.

-They are painted.

You say they're yours, I think one of them's played by Natalie Portman.

You're right. We got Natalie Portman's breasts for that.

She did an excellent job.

It was 45 minutes every morning

and they would do shading to give me a cleavage.

-It took 45 minutes! 45 minutes.

-45 minutes for shading?

-I've got very little up top.

-Do they hoist them up and then paint?

They hoist them up, shove a lot in there...

They did as much as they could to get whatever I have up,

which took quite a lot, then paint in the rest of it.

I like that Lee is being so incredulous that this happens,

-because you've had...

-Oh, yeah. I have had my tits advanced.

Here are you, this is all painted on.

I should point out that the six pack has been painted on,

but the man-boobs are real. LAUGHTER

Can I just say that was a comedy sketch,

that's not just what I used to be like.

-That isn't you...

-That's not how I started out.

That's not you on your wedding day.

I didn't fail at the audition for Thor.

Talking of Thor, Chris Hemsworth, did they paint any of that on?

-No painting there.

-So this is him? This is him?

CHEERING

It's funny, when you showed my photo, I got nothing.

LAUGHTER Absolutely nothing.

-That's ridiculous!

-It is.

I remember the morning we were going to do that

and I was slightly embarrassed because we were taking it,

you know, taking the thing seriously and everything.

But story-wise it was required to do it,

but we hadn't discussed what was happening.

I found myself nervously going up to him and saying,

you know, "Would you mind getting your shirt off for this?"

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Mate, I've been in the gym

"for nine ...ing months to do this. I'm taking my shirt off!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Actually, the funniest thing was all the guys.

The women were just sort of dreamed up when he came on.

But it was all the guys, you know, holding cameras

-and sound equipment going...

-HE MOUTHS

Impressive.

Sorry to be the spanner in the works

but I would say that's a bit too buff.

There is a fine line between buff and looking like...

He's playing Thor!

He's a fictional god!

He's a fictional god. He was buff but he wasn't lactating.

He looks like he's just had a baby.

I would say that to his face. It just so happens he's not here.

Do you know what I mean? They can be too big.

Your breasts, as a man, can be too big.

I think you could get into that shape. It would suit you very well.

-I'd like to see it.

-APPLAUSE

What do you mean you'd like to see me get into that shape?

What's that supposed to mean?

I would say I'm about 70% there. LAUGHTER

The six-pack was exciting. I do not believe that was all paint.

I'm about the same weight,

I just haven't turned it into the shape

of that lactating, bearded lady. LAUGHTER

It's distributed differently.

Now, the thing is, you look at lovely Keira Knightley and think,

"What a great advantage, being an actress,

"if you are as lovely as you are."

But sometimes it puts directors off.

They don't want someone who is so stunning.

-You mean Joe Wright, don't you?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Joe Wright, who I've worked with three times on Pride And Prejudice

and Atonement and Anna Karenina,

didn't originally want me for Pride And Prejudice

because he said I was too pretty.

And then he met me and said, "Oh, no, you're fine."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Little charmer.

-Did he phrase it nicer than that?

-No, he didn't.

-When you walked through the door, did he just scream?

-Yeah.

-I got the part, so it's all right.

-He gives, he takes.

-Exactly.

Same thing happened to me. Apparently I was too buff for Thor.

APPLAUSE

Keira Knightley, Oscar-nominated for Pride And Prejudice,

-congratulations.

-CHEERING

Is it true on that film - this is an odd thing to talk to someone about -

that he banned pouting?

-Yeah.

-Now, but do you know you pout?

-Well, er...yeah.

-Did you know about it?

-I didn't see it.

-I've got it out now. It's stopped, hasn't it?

-There's no pout to ban, as for as I'm concerned.

-There you go.

I never liked... I didn't like my smile.

Lots of people had said I had a crap smile.

So any time I had a picture taken I always did a bit like that.

Then suddenly, there would be a film camera and I thought,

"Oh, just keep it like that." It's really good for an actress(!)

Joe was like, "No, you're not allowed to.

"You've got to stop the pout."

Then we started doing Chanel adverts and all of a sudden he was like,

"You know that pout I banned?

"Can we have it back as much as possible."

Yeah, OK. So, yeah. I tried to get it out.

There is one shot in the film that was done by the second unit director

in Pride And Prejudice where the pout is there,

and every time he watched it, he was like, "You've got one pout."

I want to see the pout now.

-No, it's a bit...

-Oh, it's good.

-It's a big pout.

It's good, because it's a very female thing.

-Men, I don't think men can pout in the same way.

-I think you can pout.

-I've got huge lips.

-You've got a good lip to pout.

-You are a permanent pouter.

-I think it's there naturally. See.

-I love that. I love that.

-That's like a Marilyn Monroe pout!

APPLAUSE

It looks like you are about to advertise Churchill's car insurance!

AS CHURCHILL: Oh, yes!

-Can you pout?

-Can I pout?

-Try? Ooh!

Ken, I think you are at a disadvantage

-in the pouting department.

-You can't ask a man with no lips to pout.

I suffer from no top lip.

You have less of a top...

-No bottom lip, either.

-No lips! You are an alien!

LAUGHTER

It's a lipless world for me, but it's a happy one.

Try. Try. Try.

Aw! Aw! Bless!

APPLAUSE

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

-It was fully formed.

-You are so kind.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Mack is going back on tour.

-I am, yes.

CHEERING

-Now they are whooping.

-Now you don't care about muscles.

-Hit The Road Mack.

-It had to happen, that name.

I like the name.

I'm slightly ashamed of my own name of my own tour, to be honest.

I said, "Can I call it Lee Mack Goes On Tour?"

My management said, "You are the dullest person we've ever had."

-What was the last tour called?

-Lee Mack's On tour.

LAUGHTER

Before that it was Lee Mack Tells Jokes On Tour.

Before that it was Lee Mack's Cancelled, He's Been Ill.

-This time I've went for the catchy little...

-Hit The Road Mack.

It's asking for a heckle.

They want me to say, "Don't you come back no more, no more."

You've given them a few ideas.

Why did I say that on national television?

As if the bottles in the face weren't enough.

Presumably this time you will not make

-the mistake you made on the last tour regarding food?

-No.

I did a 130-date tour and on the first night the tour manager said,

"What do you want to eat before the show?"

And I said, "Whatever."

He said, "They've got spaghetti bolognese at the theatre."

So I said, "All right, I'll have spaghetti bolognese."

The gig went well and I thought,

"It can't be the jokes, must have been the spaghetti bolognese."

The next time he said, "What do you want to eat?" I went,

"The whole spaghetti bolognese thing worked out. I'll have that again."

130 nights later... LAUGHTER

I'd had spaghetti bolognese every night for 130 nights

and I hadn't had Parmesan cheese,

which I like on the top of my spag bol, on the first night,

because I didn't want to risk it.

So I had a less nice version of spag bol, that I like.

-For 130 nights?

-I'm very OCD like that.

If he'd have come in on the first night,

stuck his cock in a bap I'd have ate it.

I swear to God, I'd have done that every night.

If only he'd have known!

I wouldn't have had to buy him an iPad at the end.

No Parmesan with that, either.

As actors, you must know that thing

where if it works you constantly wonder why it did?

-Yes.

-I've never gone for spaghetti bolognese, though.

-Do you avoid walking under ladders?

-No, that sort of stuff I don't.

But I would do that weird thing with the...

Like if I had a Scotch egg and then if the show went well,

I would have another Scotch egg.

-You've always sat in that seat, I've noticed.

-I've noticed that.

-Yeah. Always!

-You've never sat there.

-I often don't sit there.

If you sat there, this show would be terrible.

Your left side is awful!

It's not, Graham.

Do the pout, do the pout, do the pout!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now the other thing is Lee has a show which sounds

like a really interesting premise for a show.

It starts on 7th February, it's on Sky One

-and it's called Duck Quacks Don't Echo.

-Yes.

Why is it called that?

It's all about facts and they have to be, to some degree, true.

Apparently, I didn't know this until I did the show,

there is a well-held belief that duck quacks don't echo

so that was a good name for the show, they thought.

It turns out it's complete bollocks, but too late. We'd done the press.

Don't give too much away but what sort of facts?

I thought you were going to ask me that

and I've got no memory so I've got a list.

These are the things that we did on the show.

"Don't forget to wash your pants." That's my wife! No...

LAUGHTER

Things like, "A shrimp is fitter than the average human."

I must point out, when I say fitter, I don't mean better looking.

LAUGHTER That's lobsters. I'd give them one.

This is a good one, we've proved. We do it all scientifically.

Touching someone's upper arm

means you're more likely to get what you want.

This has been scientifically proven.

So if you were in a bar, Keira, and you hadn't met me before.

-Yeah.

-And I was to say, er... LAUGHTER

You are giving me the look now, to be honest,

you've been giving me most of the night.

LAUGHTER

"How come a member of the audience has been given such a good seat?"

It's like you're going to be inoculated!

-"Go on. Go on!"

-Look away!

To be honest with you, you're safe with me as long as you're really,

really pretty, but you'll be fine!

LAUGHTER

Please don't edit that first bit out!

If I was to say to you, "Hi, I saw you sat there

"and I wondered if you would like to come for a drink with me next door."

You would probably say no. What would you say?

-I would say definitely, right now.

-Fantastic.

My theory is when I touch your arm, it will get even better.

I'm looking forward to this answer.

If I said, "Hi, would you like to come for a drink?"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Incredible!

-It worked!

Phew-ee!

Can I just say...last time I was on this show,

Gwyneth Paltrow touched my bollocks and now this!

-Wow!

-It's incredible.

-It's a lucky couch for you.

We've got a clip and this clip,

because you remember back in the day they used to have the ads with glue?

You know, and they'd glue people to boards and fly a helicopter

and all that sort of thing, that's what you are testing here, isn't it?

-With Mel C?

-Yes.

-This was terrifying.

Show the clip and I'll tell you the terrifying story.

Swivel us around. We've obviously got to face the other way

because when we're upside down, we'll be facing...

What's that squeaking noise? Is that my bum?

Hello. This feels really dangerous. LAUGHTER

Oh, I've got to get a proper job, I'm 45!

OK, I'm scared now.

We are going to plummet to the ground into a big mound of flesh.

-If we go together, two would become one. That's what you'd want.

-Yes...

APPLAUSE

-Here we go.

-We'll be OK.

-Oh, hello, that wasn't at all nerve-racking.

-Oh, my God.

-Holy shit!

-What the...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. That's impressive.

You know what, I'll tell you why that was terrifying,

because it was a fact that we proved that superglue will really stick you.

What they hadn't tested was that no-one had bothered testing...

Yes, the sole will stick with superglue

but no-one tested whether the sole will support the shoe.

As we are up there, we started hearing a...

HE MIMICS RIPPED STITCHING

The stitching started going in my shoe.

-But wait, you had a crash helmet on and Mel C didn't.

-That's true.

The way I looked at it, the Spice Girls are finished now, who cares?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Charming!

Ladies and gentlemen, time to meet my next guest.

Even I know this man is quite simply a footballing legend.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Thierry Henry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. Very nice to meet you. Welcome to the show.

Kenneth Branagh.

Keira Knightley.

Lee Mack.

-Can I kiss you?

-Kiss me.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Beautiful!

-Lucky tonight!

-Sit down.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-I love you, Thierry!

CHEERING

Thank God people love you because er...yeah...

It's been rough so far.

Tottenham Hotspur!

-I know.

-That's OK.

BOTH TALK AT ONCE

Bienvenue, Thierry, a notre spectacle.

Merci.

-Shall we carry on in French?

-No.

-Very nice to have you here. You live in New York now?

-Yes, I do.

-And do they know who you are there?

-Sort of.

I mean, do they get the va-va-voom thing, the Renault Clio thing?

Actually, it's kind of weird.

The nice thing in New York is, whoever you are,

you can be yourself, go out, do your own stuff.

-It's kind of cool.

-You get the anonymity which must be nice?

-Yes, it is.

-But here, or even in Barcelona,

you are in two countries that are passionate about football,

-they love it?

-Yes.

You must miss that, being able to sit in a bar

and talk to someone who, you know, has an opinion?

No. Absolutely not. Sometimes I don't want to know their opinion.

Sometimes it is better. No, it's true, you know.

I had the opportunity to play in Barcelona.

It was a great time and,

as you guys know, also at Arsenal, which was great.

I enjoy not being the guy on the front or the back page,

as we can say here.

That's enjoyable sometimes to not be recognised.

Of course, there is another great footballer on the sofa.

-Did you see Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham?

-I actually did.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I was much better than he ever was.

You did go to proper football... football boot camp, kind of thing?

Yes, yes, football, football. Yes. Football boot camp, yes.

-Did you have to train?

-I did.

Actually, I played it when I was at school.

I could have been a contender, I would have played for West Ham.

-Oh, you would?

-I think you still could!

-LAUGHTER

-There you are kicking a ball there.

Keira's a ballsy girl cos a little bird tells me

that you want to challenge Thierry to a keepy-up competition?

-No, I don't!

-No?

-Do you know, even when I played.

-That's what I was told!

-No, I don't.

AUDIENCE: Whoo! APPLAUSE

-This is like some sort of nightmare.

-I'm being horrible.

-Horrible!

Thierry is like, "Yeah, I could do this!"

Thierry's so competitive, he's thinking,

-"Yeah, I'm going to win!"

-That's exactly me, actually.

Straight in there.

Listen, what everyone wants to know, particularly the Arsenal fans who,

I think you love them as much as they love you.

You've talked about Arsenal, about how they are your friends

and family and you have a real connection with the club.

It is for me, yes.

The fans would love if you came back and managed.

Is that on the cards at all? Oh, don't look surprised.

Don't even try! You're sitting next to an actor!

-I can't act to save my life.

-"Oh? Manager?"

No, the thing is, I have so much respect for Arsene

so if it does happen eventually, one day,

it's going to have to be after him.

Because he's done such a great job and I have big respect for him.

That's why sometimes when people mention manager,

I don't actually want to talk about it right now

because Arsene is doing a great job, so hopefully maybe after him, yes.

Let's go from the other side, then.

You love Arsenal, the fans love you, it's all going great.

-Why did you leave? Why did you go?

-Thank you for that!

LAUGHTER Well...

It seemed odd, you know, "I love it, I love it, I love it... Bye!"

LAUGHTER That's a good point.

When I left at the time, I wanted to be in a competitive team.

The way the club was going wasn't the way I was seeing it.

I cried when I left.

It was pretty hard. AUDIENCE: Aw!

I did, I did. It was not an easy thing to do, leaving Arsenal.

Sorry, I love football so much that I need to take this opportunity.

When you left you felt the team wasn't going where you wanted to go,

which particular signings did you think weren't good enough?

LAUGHTER

There must have been some signings. Is that why you left?

Is this what you like about living in New York?

Exactly. That's the type of opinion I don't have to deal with.

Mainly for me, because Arsene is kind of a mentor for me.

Father figure. Not knowing if he was or wasn't going to sign for me

was difficult to know if I was going to stay or not.

That's mainly for me the main point of why I left Arsenal.

That's a good answer but which of the signings didn't you think...?

LAUGHTER

He's not going back to that. So, here's the thing...

Was it Bendtner?

LAUGHTER

I'm just asking, I was just wondering if it was Bendtner,

it might not have been.

Was it Bendtner who wasn't good enough to take you to the

Champions League?

I mean it could be anyone, it could be anyone. Was it Bendtner?

LAUGHTER

It could've been, just wondering.

Just ignore him, pretend it's not happening.

You're with the New York Red Bulls now

and this photograph of you, this is unbelievable.

Obviously, we know you were the greatest goalscorer ever

at Arsenal but this was you celebrating your 400th career goal.

Now...

LAUGHTER

Are you just a bit knackered? What's...?

I'll tell you how it all started.

I actually did the same celebration the game before

and we were playing in Houston.

I don't know if you guys have ever been to Houston in the summer?

Oh, it's hot and humid.

So, I stopped by the post because I was actually tired.

LAUGHTER

Can I just ask a question about that photo?

Are you knackered and what have you just done to that goalkeeper?

But also, this guy looks quite tired as well.

-Actually...

-It's exhausting playing in America.

It's a slower game in America.

It is and, actually, that's the beginning of the game.

So this photograph kind of caught on and it's been

-taken on as a kind of internet meme.

-Meme.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-De meme.

De meme.

De meme.

Sur le internet.

LAUGHTER

So, we have some cute examples.

This is you supporting the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

This next one, I wish this had been in the film.

LAUGHTER

-Have you seen these?

-I have, yeah.

I love how it looks like the people in the audience

really are looking at you holding her up.

And then, finally, this is so zeitgeist-y

and up-to-the-minute, it's Thierry and Miley.

LAUGHTER

It's music time.

This lady burst onto the music scene with her debut album

On A Mission and now she's back and tipped for great things in 2014.

Performing her new single, Crying For No Reason, it is Katy B!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I push all my problems to the back of my mind

# Then they surface in my dreams they come alive

# I sweep all my issues to somewhere I can't find

# In hope that I'll forget but there's just so many times

# Why can't I be strong and just confront all my fears?

# When the fear is hurting you by being sincere

# But how many more days can I run? How many years?

# Emotions flooding and now it's all seeming so clear

# Crying for no reason feel the tears roll down

# I felt strong but am I breaking now?

# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep

# I made promises I could not keep

# Cos I never faced all the pain I caused

# Now the pain is hitting me full force

# I push all my problems to the back of my brain

# A darkness deep inside where I just can't find my way

# How can I walk with a smile? Get on with my day

# When I deceived myself pretending it's all OK

# I tried my best to hold it all together, I know

# The strings have worn away and now I'm all exposed

# I try to hide it all away on top of the shelf

# I can lie to everyone but not to myself

# Crying for no reason feel the tears roll down

# I felt strong but am I breaking down?

# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep

# I made promises I could not keep

# Cos I never faced all the pain I caused

# Now the pain is hitting me full force

# Forgive me now

# Cos I said that I'll be there for you, care for you

# I let you down, I walked away

# Cos there were things I couldn't say to you,

# Say to you

# I'm breaking now

# I burned some bridges down

# There must be some way out

# The voices speak so loud

# Will you forgive me now?

# I burned some bridges down

# There must be some way out

# The voices speak so loud

# Will you forgive me now?

# Crying for no reason feel the tears roll down

# I felt strong but am I breaking now?

# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep

# I made promises I could not keep

# And I never faced all the pain I caused

# Now the pain is hitting me full force. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Katy B, everybody! Come on over here. Beautiful job!

-Oh. You sit there beside Lee.

-How are you?

-I'm good.

Keira, Ken, Thierry.

-Very nice. Yes! Very nice.

-Thank you so much.

And that's from the new album Little Red, which is

-out on the 10th February.

-Yeah.

-Now, I'm really sorry, Thierry.

I've brought someone else to the couch and guess what?

They don't support Arsenal either.

Who do you support?

Crystal Palace!

CROWD MEMBER BOOS LAUGHTER

Wow!

Can I just say Blackburn Rovers did better than that.

My whole family does support Arsenal, though. Literally, today,

-they're texting me, "Get his autograph!"

-Ah, that's interesting.

How did they feel when Bendtner was signed?

LAUGHTER

Before we go tonight,

there's time for a story or two in the red chair so who's up first?

Oh!

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Oh.

You're not going to speak?

It's like one of those things. OK, off you go.

LAUGHTER

-You didn't know him, did you?

-Yeah, he was my husband but it's fine.

It would've been so bad if it was.

We all want to know what was on those cards.

All I know is, in French, do you have the word tosser?

LAUGHTER

You could use it now.

Shall we have one more? One more? This is the one.

-Hello, sir.

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Joe.

-Joe, OK.

-And where do you live, Joe?

-In London.

In London, how exciting for you. And what do you do, Joe?

I'm a cameraman.

Excellent, it fills you with joy, I can see.

LAUGHTER

This is going to be a FUNNY story.

OK, so, off you go, Joe.

So, I was on my first day of work experience at my mum's work

and I went to the toilet and I did a number two and I got up

and turned round and looked at the toilet and written on it was,

"Nothing heavier than toilet paper."

Obviously, this meant women's products,

don't flush them down the toilet, but I thought it meant poo.

-So, I took the bag out of the bin...

-LAUGHTER

This is an excellent story!

I basically pooper-scooped my own poo out of the toilet,

I tied a knot in it and I just walked through,

it was an optician's practice so I walked through the practice

-and put it in the bin outside in the road.

-He can walk! You can walk.

How about Joe?! Very good. That was a good story.

Well done, everybody. If you'd like to join us

and have a go at the red chair, you can.

Just contact us via our website at this very address.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's your lot.

Thank you so much to my guests, Katy B.

-Lee Mack.

-Thank you.

Keira Knightley.

Sir Kenneth Branagh

and Thierry Henry.

Join me next week with musical guest Sheryl Crow,

comedian Alan Davies,

Hollywood actress Julianne Moore

and Golden Globe-winning actor Matthew McConaughey.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE