Episode 14 The Graham Norton Show

And the nominees for tonight's show are,

Oscar-nominated star of Dallas Buyers Club,

four-times Oscar-nominated actress, nine-times Grammy Award winner,

the star of BAFTA award-winning Jonathan Creek, the winner is...

Do you want to do it? You do it, you do it, you do it.

-Say it.

-Which bit?

-Just that!

-All of them!

-Yes, all of them! Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hello!

Hello, hello, hello!

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

Hey! Welcome, all! Welcome, all!

I am... All right, all right.

..really looking forward to tonight's show.

Star of the hit new film,

Dallas Buyers Club, Matthew McConaughey is on the show.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes, he is.

Top Hollywood actress Julianne Moore is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hilarious comic Alan Davies is on the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And pop singer-turned-country music star Sheryl Crowe is here.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I know!

That's a good line up, isn't it? That's good.

Good night to come, yeah.

Yes, Sheryl Crowe is now officially a country singer, yeah.

She had to move to Nashville and wait for her dog to die but she's done it.

She has.

Great to have Alan Davies back on the show.

I love watching QI. It's such a good show.

It's such an informative show as well.

Mind you, you know, you can learn so many astonishing things watching TV.

You know, this week, I watched Celebrity Big Brother

and I found out Jim Davidson's popular.

-I did.

-LAUGHTER

Unbelievable. Who knew? Who knew that? Yeah.

Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore is here.

Star of so many great films. In Game Change, of course,

she played gaff-prone presidential hopeful Sarah Palin. She did.

Now, listen, we don't know if the real Sarah Palin

liked the film or not.

Here she is at the premiere.

LAUGHTER

I'd say on the fence, wouldn't you? On the fence, yeah.

Julianne is about to star with Liam Neeson in the airplane drama

Non-Stop.

Yes. Now, here's Liam in action.

Right, now, you do wonder, what's got him so scared here to pull his gun?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That is terrifying.

I can't wait to chat to Matthew McConaughey.

Matthew's first big film was the coming-of-age comedy

Dazed And Confused.

Not the only celebrity who's been dazed and confused in a car.

AUDIENCE: BOO!

I know, Justin. Little Justin.

Arrested in America for drink-driving.

How can he get done for drink-driving?

He isn't even old enough to drink!

Or drive!

LAUGHTER

Now, Justin quite rightly spent the night in prison,

but the good news is he shared a cell with some Beliebers. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Baby, baby, yeah!

Let's get some guests on!

Later we'll be having music from Sheryl Crowe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But first, he's more than quite interesting, it's Alan Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. Lovely to see you. Oh! Sit yourself down.

She's the high-flying Julianne Moore!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi! Oh, so lovely to see you.

-You too!

Come in, come in, sit down. Julianne Moore everybody!

And what's that noise? It's Oscar buzz, it's Matthew McConaughey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Hello, sir. Lovely to meet you.

Oh, God, so nice. Come in, come in, come in.

Oh!

Quite the couch, I think you'll agree.

-It's lovely to see Alan again.

-Hello.

And Julianne, Matthew, never been here before, lovely to see you.

-Thank you for having us.

-Thank you very much for coming here.

And what an exciting time to be meeting you, Matthew,

cos, my God, you're having the ride of your life right now.

What an amazing, amazing time in the life of an actor.

Obviously you're nominated for the Oscar but you haven't lost any so far, have you?

Haven't LOST any? I think there's some I haven't won.

-Oh, no there aren't.

-I think there's quite a few.

No! You've won them all.

-I think Jared Leto, I think he's got 30 for 30.

-Oh, my goodness.

-I don't know, I've got a few.

-Wait a minute, there are 30 award shows?

-No.

-Not award shows, he's won 30 awards, I found that out today.

I know I haven't won 30, so there's definitely some out there I didn't.

They weren't the good ones. No-one wants to win them.

But it is very exciting.

Presumably, this is the lovely time where you're the nominee.

-Time for celebration.

-Yeah.

-This is the dessert.

You know, we go do the work, it's not why we do it but, boy,

when you do something and a year and a half later it's floating like this

and vital and people are going, "You know what?

"We think that was some excellent work." That feels good.

And what's nice is they give you a long time to enjoy it.

It's over a month, isn't it?

It's like the Super Bowl in American football.

You have the whole season, then once you have the final teams,

you give them a month between so... Then everyone can start some

rhetoric and start different stories up and have the anticipation build.

Cos God love Julianne Moore now,

you've enjoyed the nomination period a lot.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Is it four times now?

Yeah, four nominations.

-Academy award nominations, yeah.

-That seems mean.

-Well, yeah.

No, well, when you say zero for four... Is that...?

-Or, like four over four?

-Four for four for getting in.

-That's pretty outstanding.

-Yeah, it's OK.

-Yeah, let's focus on that.

LAUGHTER

No, the really mean year was you were nominated for two in one year.

I know. You know, my daughter felt so bad for me

one year that she made me some awards. She made me a BAFTA.

LAUGHTER

That is this kind of sparkly orange thing that looked like a fan,

-I don't know why.

-Are you sure that isn't the real BAFTA?

I know, it might be.

And she made me a Golden Globe. It was small and yellow.

-AUDIENCE: Awww!

-I know, right?

When you were off to the Golden Globes,

was it your son wasn't that encouraging?

No, my son said - we were explaining to him what Papa is going out

to do, going to an award show and for this show we did, Dallas Buyers.

Remember New Orleans and Papa was skinny? "Yeah, I remember that."

We're going there tonight.

And my daughter was like, "Papa, I think you're going to win."

My son was like - at five - he says, "Real proud of you Papa, erm,

"but you're going to lose."

LAUGHTER

"I know it, you're going to lose." But I came home and touche'd him.

Woke him up in the middle of the night and, "Do you see this?"

-Cos, Alan, how old's your daughter now?

-She's four now.

So is she kind of aware of what you do for a living?

She's not really... I mean, we don't let her see much telly

-apart from Peppa Pig - obviously, that's obligatory.

-Yes!

So, people do sometimes say, "Hello".

I play this character called Jonathan Creek

so people quite often say, "Jonathan!" Across the street.

She did ask me who Jonathan Creek is.

She did say to me, "Daddy?" I said, "Yeah?" "Who is Jonathan Creek?"

What did you say?

I said, "He's an arsehole."

LAUGHTER

I said, "He built the house!"

Good old Jonathan!

But, listen, you're nominated and, God, you should be.

We must celebrate your work in Dallas Buyers Club.

You are just terrific in it. And it's a true story

and it's taken how many years to get to the screen?

-20 years.

-20 years!

-Oh, my gosh!

-Yeah.

Because your character, Ron Woodroof,

he was alive when they started developing it.

He was alive when he went down and the writer went down and

interviewed him. So in 1986, and '92, I believe, he moved on.

So he was interviewed, he then passed away,

and they tried to get this made for 16 years unsuccessfully.

It got very close quite a few times,

so people believed in it but nobody wanted to finance it.

But even with YOU attached, it still took four, five years.

Even with me attached. I said I wanted to do it and people were like, "That sounds great."

"But..."

I look forward to seeing it.

Great, let me know when you find the change to make that thing. So...

it really took the right amount, the right people coming together

and it was the beginning of the year - January - and I said, "We're going to make it this Fall."

And the people around me said, "Again, great.

"You know, people have said that before." But we didn't flinch.

We never left the door open, when they go, "It's not going to happen,

"I think we need to push it to spring." I was like, no, no, no.

Especially I was 40 pounds down, I was like, "No,

"we're not pushing it to spring."

And I suppose it's an extraordinary story because he's

the hero of the film and what he does is amazing,

but he's not that sympathetic as a character.

No, I don't think he's sympathetic. He's empathetic, though.

You know, I think that's part of the story, you see who he is -

and you may be horrified by what he says and how he thinks,

but you know he's a real man and I know people in life like that.

I may not agree with their personal politics but if they are who they are, I go,

"Pfft, well, you are who you are."

And I think that's where we can empathise with who he is.

We haven't really explained what he did, so the Dallas Buyers Club

is where he was getting medication, from Mexico primarily.

He was smuggling in... He was given 30 days to live.

All they gave AIDS patients at that time and HIV patients was AZT.

The quality of life on AZT was poor.

He decides to take matters into his own hands.

He goes out of the country, Israel, Austria, Mexico,

smuggles these unapproved drugs into America and sells them

as a black market drug dealer out of a motel room.

And he was making some good money

and he was keeping a lot of people alive living longer.

The FDA in America didn't appreciate that, came down and closed him

down three times, I think, but he found loopholes.

He did a very clever thing.

You couldn't sell the unauthorised drugs in America.

So, what he opened up the Dallas Buyers Club,

sold the memberships for 400 a month

and gave the meds for free.

So he was a clever little pirate.

Well, here he is being clever

but sort of being caught out trying to get some drugs into the country.

Walker, Dorsett, Blount, Newsome...

..Jeffcote.

-These are patients?

-Yes, sir.

They're also the names of players in the Dallas Cowboys.

You know...

..that's a hell of coincidence, isn't it?

-Isn't this a little ridiculous?

-Well, you said it.

Can you prove these are patients?

Can you prove they're not?

APPLAUSE

The movie opens here on 7th February.

Now, an awful lot has been made of the weight loss.

For English people, I think you lost something like

-three and a half stone, is what we would say.

-47 pounds - what would that be?

-Three and a half stone.

-There we go. Three and a half tonne.

-Three and a half stone.

-It sounds...

Three and a half stone sounds heavy, doesn't it? Pounds, meh.

Three and a half STONE.

Does it kind of frustrate you in a way that that's got

so much attention? Were you like, "Still acting over here!"?

I understood that before the film came out, that's your headline.

-That photo that came out of me in the airport, erm, was the...

-Wow.

.."Oh, that's how we get people to click on this site." I got that.

-Yeah.

-Erm, I'm happy to say and happy that the reaction's been

that once people saw the film, yes, the weight loss was something but I mean, you see...

you know, who this guy was and it wasn't...

-It quickly became something more than "the Matthew McConaughey got skinny" film.

-Yes.

If you see the film, it's obvious in about 30 seconds that that's not the film you're in.

-But you needed to do it.

-This was not an affectation,

this was not an eccentric idea I had

-about, "I think it'd be really cool if I lost a lot of weight."

-Yeah.

-You know?

This was one of those ones where you go, "It's my responsibility to do this to best portray this man.

"If I do not, I will be embarrassed and you're also not going to buy the movie."

But your family and friends, they must have been worried for you.

Yeah, I mean the people that know me, know me well.

There were some people that got a little bit worried but I said I've got it, it was under control.

I met with a nutritionist, did it as healthily as possible

and my family was around me daily, it was so gradual they didn't notice it.

My daughter one day said, "Papa, why is your neck like a giraffe?"

LAUGHTER

Other than that...

What were you eating?! Honestly.

-5oz of fish, a couple of vegetables twice a day.

-Uh-huh.

Some pudding in the morning and as much red wine as I liked at night.

But it was small amounts and I gave myself four months to do it.

So I clocked of three and a half pounds a month and it just worked like clockwork.

Now, Julianne, you kind of had the opposite problem

because both times you were pregnant, you were in movies.

Yeah, just getting bigger and bigger by the day. Yeah, exactly.

And you're trying to hide that.

That's a horrible thing too, when you're...

In Big Lebowski I was pregnant and didn't tell anybody and had to fly.

You know, fly naked throwing paint and then come down at a...

You know, and was nauseous the entire time

and then I was as pregnant again when I played the old woman in The Hours,

so I was an 80-year-old pregnant woman.

LAUGHTER

Really inconvenient. Really, really, really inconvenient.

So I wore a raincoat the whole time and kind of hunched over.

-Did wardrobe know?

-Oh, yes, by then of course they did.

But if you can imagine all my old-age make-up, my wig and everything

and then you look down and I was, like, seven months pregnant.

What happened to Grandma?

-Cos, Alan, didn't you have a weird weight thing?

-I did, I did.

I got asked to go for an audition for a part and I turned up

and I met a guy in this kind of ante room outside who I knew, who's huge.

He's a really big actor. Said, "Hi," and hello,

and then another guy came in who I half knew and who's also enormous,

and I looked round and everyone was enormous.

Quite cramped in the room.

There were some snacks - they'd all gone.

I said, "What part are you here for?" And I can't remember what it was now, Roger or something and I said,

"I'm here for Roger as well."

Then I went in and there were three people and they looked up and down and up again,

and said, "Have you lost some weight?"

And I said, "No, I've always been this...shape."

"Oh, OK. Well, you may as well read it anyway." I said, "Really?

"Do you want me to read it or eat it? Shall I just eat it?"

LAUGHTER

Now, I remember... I remember think it was '96.

-Vanity Fair coming out with you on the cover...

-Yeah.

-..where it was just before A Time To Kill.

-Yeah.

CROWD WHISTLES

And I think, was that the first time ever someone who wasn't a big star

had been on the cover of Vanity Fair?

Someone told me that, I don't know.

As a reader, I was like, "Who the hell's that?!"

Cos you always knew who it was.

No, it was sort of, I'd been in films and you

brought up one of them earlier - Dazed And Confused - but that

was the first time that over a weekend

my life changed pretty quickly.

Erm, I remember being...

I went to the supermarket, figured I'll get my groceries on this Friday

before, and I looked down and I was like, "Hey.

-"How you doing, McConaughey?"

-LAUGHTER

And I remember going, "This is weird but I'm buying two of each."

And put them up there and she ran them through and I was like,

"Hey, look at that cover. You know that guy? Yeah, OK, that's me right there."

-And because it was so instant, your mom didn't adjust immediately.

-No.

No, moms never do.

They're so sincere and good intentions

but you just don't understand it, do you, Mom?

It was the, erm...

You know, people started to get interested in my life

and my history as happens over a weekend.

So, all of a sudden, my mom shows up in these newspapers,

saying these things. I'm like, "Mom, keep that to... That's between us. That's between the family."

"OK, OK." I was like, "Trust me, there's people going to be coming to you

"wanting to know things about my life but keep what should be private ours." "OK, OK, OK."

All of a sudden, the next Thursday night I'm looking at Hard Copy.

It's a show in America that comes on and there's my mom giving

an escort through my bedroom.

-LAUGHTER

-"And this is where...

"This is where we caught him first sleeping with so-and-so. Have look at this."

And I call her and she goes, "Oh, I didn't know you'd see it."

I go, "Mom..."

Cos, Julianne, in my head I see you, you're a movie star, I know who you are.

But you were talking somewhere and saying that people, when they meet you,

you're often not what they expect.

Well, what happens - and I think this happens to a lot of actresses -

people think they're saying something really nice.

They say, "Oh, my goodness! You're so little!"

And you're like, "Little, like...?"

"Little. Like, I thought you were bigger.

"I thought you were really big but you're little."

So you're like, "Oh, OK." Or they go, "You're prettier than I thought."

-LAUGHTER

-You don't know what to say so you're like, "Thank you...

"I think. Thank you."

Yeah. So that's one of the things that happens.

And, Alan, you had a thing in a park that was the opposite of being recognised.

Yeah, well, some people say, "Are you that guy off that thing?"

-You get that?

-Oh, yeah.

And they say, "Are you on television?" And you say, "Yeah, sometimes I'm on television."

And they go, "No, you're not." LAUGHTER

I have to go, "Yeah, I am, I'm on a show."

"No, you're not. What show you on?" "I do a show called QI."

"No, you don't."

This woman was saying this to me and she had her kid with her who

was about ten and he suddenly goes, "Why are you lying?"

LAUGHTER

"I'm not lying." "Yeah, you are, you're lying. What you lying for? What you lying for?!"

He looks at his mum, smiling, like, "We've got him on the run now."

And she goes to me, "Dream another dream."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And now, Matthew, it's fair to say since the whole Vanity Fair

thing and that incident, you've worked consistently.

But it seemed in the last few years... I love the way Hollywood comes up with names for things.

The... What's it called? The McConaissance.

McConaissance, I heard that.

The rebirth of Matthew McConaughey. Was that a thing in your head?

-Were you trying to have a McConaissance?

-Nah.

All I knew is when I first heard a reporter say that, I said,

"What did you call that?" "McConaissance." I was like, "Well, it sounds good."

No, I was...

Look, I was re-calibrating my relationship with my career for sure

and that meant taking some time off from doing the things I was doing.

And the way I look at it, I don't look at it as any kind of rebirth for me.

I didn't have a coming-to-God-moment epiphany.

I just said I want to do some different things and show a different part of myself and...

Different chapter, same book is the way I've looked at it.

Cos on the paper, you would not think that Magic Mike would be

a stepping stone to being an Oscar nominee, you know?

Cos it doesn't sound like that sort of film, but it was.

I mean, you were amazing.

And is it true that the strip at the end was you?

No-one asked you... Obviously someone allowed you to do it.

-No, they...

-He insisted.

I would've done if I looked like that.

"Do you need me nude at all?"

Well, I remember that phone call

when Steven Soderbergh was talking to me about the part and

I was already on one knee laughing at this world and this pitch.

And he goes, "You know, it's not in the script right now but I...

"Dallas, we think he really should have his own dance at the end, I think it'd be a good idea."

And immediately in this ear, my head's going, "No, no, no,"

and in this ear was like, "Are you kidding me?

"You have to if you get a chance. If you don't, you'll regret not ever doing that," and so, yeah.

As soon as I found the song, which was Calling Dr Love

and got that cleared, I was like,

-"Let's go have some fun, man."

-And is it true,

the thing about you road-testing kind of the posing pouch?

The posing pouch?

Isn't that... Isn't that what they're called?

"The posing pouch"!

You don't call them that in America. Those little things

that you just about get things in with a string round the back.

The slightest move and everything's out.

I read something where you walked around to make sure that it wasn't falling out of...

No, what I did do, which a lot of us did,

is you put one of those on, and all of a sudden you find...

your body kind of gets a little inverted.

-LAUGHTER

-I had to really loosen up,

cos this was a guy who lives in this thing

and has to feel really loose and...with it.

So I remember going, and I wasn't the only one that did this.

I have to walk out there amongst the crew

and have small-time, normal conversations like,

-"So how you doing?"

-LAUGHTER

"What'd you have for lunch?"

"Hey, did you see the game this weekend?"

I'd try to have some small talk in this thong without flinching,

and it was hard because..

LAUGHTER

-I wasn't but it wa...

-LAUGHTER

You said it now. You said it.

Yes!

It was! Thank you for that.

LAUGHTER

Teed me up for that one! Well done!

The trouble is, you see, that your genitals

aren't sensitive enough to a change in temperature,

so if something does slip out,

it needs to immediately feel cold, so you're aware.

But I remember being on holiday with friends and...

LAUGHTER

And one of my friends was talking to someone in a bar,

-and he was sitting like this in shorts.

-Oh, please! Oh, no!

And we knew that one of them had popped out,

and he didn't know, because he didn't feel anything,

and that's a design fault or a fault of evolution.

LAUGHTER

But now, talking of sex symbols and heart-throbs,

Alan Davies down the end there, you topped a list last year.

-Do you know the list you topped?

-He wasn't on it, I know that!

No, he wasn't, no, no.

Alan was top of it. Not a mention of you, no!

No, it was Marie Claire.

They put together a list of men you shouldn't fancy but do.

LAUGHTER

That's excellent! I love it!

In brackets, "Because you might catch something."

LAUGHTER

You know the person I feel sorry for?

Other people on the list were people like Snoop Dogg but...

You won't know who this is, but Declan Donnelly was on the list.

But Ant wasn't even on the list.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

That's got to hurt. They're a double act, Ant and Dec.

Ant and Dec! I know who they are, yeah.

-Oh, they left him out?

-Yeah, so Dec's a weird crush.

-Ant isn't even that.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, dear.

We must just celebrate your work in romcoms,

cos they're such a hard thing to get right,

and you were in a lot of really good ones.

-Thank you.

-But the thing that you are a master at

is the romcom lean.

-Lean, yes!

-Yeah, no, seriously!

-Oh, with the...

No, he's talking about the poster.

-Here's the classic.

-OK, I think this is where it started.

-Is that where it started?

-Watch where the leans go from here.

Yeah, so the nice lean here, then there's a variation on a lean.

-OK.

-With Jennifer Garner, your co-star in Dallas Buyers Club.

Now, we come from the first one, How To Lose A Guy,

also cos it makes 125 million, people start to go,

"Hey, the lean on the poster, that's the way to go.

"The last time you leaned, we did this amount of money,"

so then we come back and do Ghosts, there was another lean, a big lean.

I'm not a trained actor - I feel you overleaned.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I was really getting arrogant with the leaning at this point.

It's very lucky she was there, actually.

You could've really hurt yourself. "Whoa!"

Even at your Dallas Buyers Club weight,

-you would've flattened her.

-LAUGHTER

Very good, we'll move on.

We must also just mention Wolf Of Wall Street,

-which you are a genius in.

-Thank you.

-A lot of people...

APPLAUSE

A lot of people have seen that movie. It's done really well here.

Again, it's one of those things

that a lot of that character apparently wasn't on the page,

it was stuff that you came up with.

Yeah, now, look, Terence Winter, the writer,

when a writer writes a scene and gives dialogue to a character,

and it starts off with... "They're in a five-star restaurant,

"he pulls out a bump of coke, takes it,

"orders martinis until they drop, then says, 'Uh...

'Hey, young man, how many times a week do you jack off?

'Great, and also let me tell you this,

'the secret of this business is hookers and cocaine.'"

Talk about the roof being taken off? I was like, "Well, who's this guy?"

The vernacular became... The imagination ran.

What is the thing you're doing? The banging and the humming.

-Yeah, what's that?

-What is that? Is it a meditation technique or...?

-That's something I do before...

-He's learned how.

Hmm-hmm-hmm! I've been doing it ever since!

You already look more successful.

That's something I'll do before scenes to relax myself,

to get my voice to drop.

And I've been doing it for a while,

just something I do to relax myself, get out of my head.

And I was doing it before the scene,

and then I'd start the scene, we do five takes,

I am happy, Martin's happy, about to move on.

Before we moved on, Leonardo raised his hand,

he goes, "Hey, hang on a second, what's that thing you were doing?"

And I told him, and he goes, "What if you put that in the scene?"

I was like, "Yeah, great."

So the next scene, I started it off, then gave him my spiel,

I didn't know if it was going to come back and it hit me in head.

"Now get him on the same rhythm,

"because now he understands, pass the torch."

# Uh-huh-huh... # And then started it off.

-And did you do it before you came out here?

-No.

On the way down the hallway,

I was sure humming and making noises.

I wasn't beating my chest but I was finding a rhythm.

Will you be doing it in the limo on the way to the Oscars?

-Probably.

-LAUGHTER

I like to think of you doing it in the...

I'll find some rhythm, it's different every...

Look at him, he's obsessed.

And now cocaine.

LAUGHTER

-Cocaine for you? Cocaine for you?

-Absolutely!

Now... Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore,

your movie couldn't be more different, in a way,

-to Dallas Buyers Club.

-No, I know!

-It's Non-Stop.

It's a proper big Hollywood,

seat-of-your-pants thrill-ride movie.

It's very old-fashioned, it reminded of movies I loved as a kid,

like Towering Inferno and Poseidon Adventure,

where you follow a group of people into a situation

and something's going to happen,

you don't know what or how they're going to react

or who the bad guy is or... you know, yeah.

But I sit next to Liam Neeson, which is always a good idea.

LAUGHTER

"Where's MY seat? Oh... Oh, hi!"

Him you should fancy, and it's absolutely right to do that.

That's right, yeah!

If you're going to be in an action movie,

-who do you want to sit next to?

-Yeah, who's going to save the day?

Who's going to save the day? The guy on the poster.

LAUGHTER

You know, this is weird.

It reminded me of Murder On The Orient Express.

Exactly, the different characters, you don't know who they are.

My character's extremely mysterious, and it's a bit of a whodunnit.

Liam Neeson plays a US Air Marshal, we're allowed to say that.

Yeah, yeah, you can, yeah.

And, now, Liam, he's obviously a very iconic actor.

What was the story with your daughter and Liam?

Oh, yeah, you know, we text, we Skype, we text a lot,

cos she's 11 and a half, so she loves to do that.

And she was like, "Mommy, what'd you do today?"

I said, "I spent the day with Liam," she was like, "My gosh, how fun!"

I said, "Yeah, I have a picture, want me to send you a picture?"

She looks at it, she texts back, "Who's that?!"

-LAUGHTER

-I said, "That's Liam."

She goes, "No, Liam Hemsworth!"

LAUGHTER

I said, "That's Liam Neeson," she's like, "Who's Liam Neeson?!"

LAUGHTER

Listen, we've got a clip, this is you and Liam in action.

I don't think it needs more setting up than that.

-We're on the plane, there you go.

-You're on the plane...nonstop.

-Oh, nonstop!

-Nonstop!

Roll it.

I've been wondering.

-Why the window seat?

-What?

-What? Why the window seat?

-Why did you sit next to me?

-What?

-I found a hole in the first-class toilet.

Clear shot to the captain.

The guy who died had one of these embedded in his skin.

Ever seen one before?

No.

The toilets were locked ten minutes before the captain died.

Five minutes before that, I saw a woman enter.

She's 70 years old. She said you went in after her.

And she doesn't have Alzheimer's... if you're wondering.

Are you asking me if I saw someone else go in

or if I killed the captain?

-APPLAUSE

-Ooh!

-Who done it?

-I know!

See, NOW you want to see the movie!

But you can't see it till the 28th February.

-What?!

-I know.

-I know, set your alarms.

-That's right!

-Yeah.

And, for us, when you go to see it - us, not you, us.

It's a British airline.

-That's right, Aqualantic, we're flying.

-Yeah!

-Uh-huh.

Because it's a British airline, lots of familiar faces.

How the mighty fall - poor old Lady Mary is now an air hostess.

-Oh, I know! Can you imagine?

-I know! Michelle Dockery.

I guess something went terribly wrong with the inheritance.

-She looks great in her uniform.

-She does look very good.

I spent most of the time trying to figure out

-what was happening on Downton Abbey.

-Cos you're a proper fan.

I'd be like, "Oh, my God. (Michelle, sit over here!)"

I'm like, "So what's he like in real life? Do you like him?

"Is she funny? Is she nice? Is she mean?"

And then I started trying to figure out the plot.

We're behind in the United States, so we were in season two,

and I'd say, "Well, what about this guy?"

And I started thinking about Dan Stevens,

and I noticed that Dan Stevens

was spending a lot of time in New York City.

-Oh, yeah.

-So I said, "Come here, Michelle. I was just thinking...

"I think he dies." And she went...

SHE GASPS

And she turned beet red. She's like, "No! No!"

I said, "I won't tell anybody. I'm not going to give it away.

"And you never said ANYTHING. Not a word."

But don't me anything about season three - I haven't seen it yet.

-Don't tell me.

-OK. Some pigs go thirsty.

-Yeah!

Actually, you are such a big Downton... This is amazing!

..such a big Downton Abbey fan, you've become a British citizen?

Yeah. Well, yeah, exactly. I thought, "I've got to go..." Yeah.

-You really have, though, haven't you?

-No, I have, I have.

My mother was from Scotland

-so I decided to become a British citizen, yeah.

-Can you just do it?

Well, no, you know, you have to take all those tests and stuff, about the Queen.

-Did you do the test?

-No, no, there were no tests. Just kidding.

LAUGHTER

But there ARE tests!

-There ARE tests!

-I didn't have... Life In The United Kingdom!

-Oh, I love that.

-That's a thin book!

Look at that!

"Er, it's Oscar nominee Julianne Moore here."

"Hi, could I possibly..."

What did you do?

So, I wanted to do it and I was in Los Angeles

and you have your swearing-in ceremony.

It was very, very quiet in the office

because that was the day that William and Kate were visiting Los Angeles.

So I went with my sister and our kids and I was sworn in.

They were very nice. There was nobody there.

Once they said, "Congratulations, you're a British citizen,"

they said, "Now you can come to the garden party."

There was a garden party for William and Kate that day

and I couldn't come before, when I was just an American,

but once I was British I had an invitation.

-Talk about fast-tracked!

-I know, right?

APPLAUSE

-We've lived here all our lives.

-And you didn't get invited!

A grudging round of applause and then, "Oh, well done."

All right, all right.

William and Kate, free drinks. Yeah, well done(!)

-Paying our taxes all those years.

-I know, I know!

But this is a genuine thing. Now, some of the questions...

Like, it's odd. I mean, depending on where you're from,

some of these questions are quite hard.

-So, question 13 here.

-Uh-oh. You'll know them.

"What must police officers do?

"Be rude and abusive.

"Obey the law.

"Make a false statement.

"Be politically neutral."

I mean, that's a head-scratcher, isn't it?

On what occasion? In what context?

They didn't mention that.

Apparently it's "obey the law." That's the right answer.

You could get this in your exam...

"What are the titles of two novels by Charles Dickens?

"A - Harry Potter."

LAUGHTER

Welcome, all!

Very good. Now...

For fans of adventure sports, it's a very great time

because the Winter Olympics are upon us.

And this year, the BBC have a slightly unusual face of the Olympics.

I give you Alan Davies.

Cos you are presenting a programme about the Winter Olympics.

We're doing an entertainment show about the Winter Olympics

on Friday nights throughout the... It's three weeks.

So, yeah, I mean, don't ask me about how to do any of the sports -

they're far too dangerous.

Well, it's a light-hearted show.

It's called Apres-Ski. It's very exciting, I'm sure, but people do...

-A lot of people break legs and things.

-People hurt themselves.

These are all events where, if you get to 40,

you really would think, "... that!"

And, yeah, we're doing that.

I've been skiing, I think, twice in my life

and one of them was in Milton Keynes.

And it's obviously a more political Olympics because of Putin.

Yes, there is that side of it. I don't think we...

-I don't think he's coming on our show.

-No? Really?

It's funny - we've got a bid in, as well. We're really hoping.

-That would be a hell of a sofa!

-Can you imagine?

I have to say, if they don't want gays in the Olympics,

they should really change some of their signage. That's all I have to say.

APPLAUSE

Now, the other big excitement is - we mentioned...

Jonathan Creek, back.

Jonathan Creek's back. A new series of Jonathan Creek.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

Yeah, we did the first series in 1996.

And I was all set up for a Vanity Fair cover and it...

It coincided with the first day of shooting.

And they've got... You've got fans - I didn't know they were called this - called Creek Geeks.

I think they call themselves Creek Geeks, to be honest with you.

And people dress up as you now. You tweeted a picture of someone at a party.

It is alarming but it's true.

This is someone dressed as Jonathan Creek.

He's the one on the left.

He does look like he just showed up at the party and went,

"Oh, is it fancy dress?

"Er, I've come as... Jonathan Creek." The other guy -

I kind of think he went all out on the padding above the waist.

I really feel he should have...

LAUGHTER

-He needed one of those - what do you call 'em?

-A posing pouch!

Yes, that's what he needed.

The other thing is, you're back on tour. Little Victories is the tour.

Yeah, my new stand-up show, starting in March in Australia, and then...

-Do you like that poster?

-Are you upside down?

I had to go to Tibet for four years to learn to levitate.

-I jumped in the air and they took the picture.

-Oh, is that all?

It's camera work. So you start in Australia?

Start in Australia in March and I'm doing dates in the UK in April

and more in the autumn, but we start quite soon.

-And what are the little victories?

-The small moments in life when something goes right.

I'll give you an example. My little girl, when she was about 18 months old,

was sleeping on top of me

and I heard the noise that she makes in her throat when she's going to throw up.

So I knew she was going to throw up and I avoided it and it hit the pillow. That's a little victory.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now...

it's time for some music. This woman has sold 35 million records.

She's won nine Grammys. She's back with a new album, Feels Like Home.

Performing her new single Easy, it is Sheryl Crow, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# We said this summer we'd go down to Cancun

# But no money makes that kinda hard to do

# Forget the beach - I'd rather be here with you

# Playing croquet OK, maybe that's not true

# But you make it easy, easy

# Easy to get away

# Sit in the sun and drink beer all day

# You make it easy, easy

# Easier, anyway

# Hey, who needs Mexico?

# Baby, let's stay home

# We'll put on bug spray and we'll lose our clothes

# Put out the lawn chairs and turn on the hose

# We'll play Jack Johnson He's the new Don Ho

# And we'll go surfing, surfing

# Surf the radio

# Cos you make it easy, easy

# Easy to get away

# Sit in the sun and drink beer all day

# You make it easy, easy

# Easier, anyway

# Hey, who needs Mexico?

# Oh, hey, who needs Mexico?

# Baby, let's stay home

# Drink margaritas and take in the sunset

# Later on, we'll slip up to our king-size bed

# And make love

# Love, sweet love

# Cos it's easy, easy

# Oh, yes, it's easy, easy

# You make it easy, easy

# Easy to get away

# Sit in the sun and sip tequila all day

# You know it's easy, easy

# Easier, anyway

# Hey, who needs Mexico?

# Tell me now

# Who needs Mexico?

# Baby, let's stay home

# Baby, let's stay home

# Let's do it, baby

# Whoa-oh

# Let's get away, baby. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sheryl Crow, everybody! Beautiful!

-Oh! Hello, lovely lady.

-Hello.

-Hi!

-How are you?

-So nice to see you.

-Good to see you.

-Sheryl Crow!

Come and join these guys. That's Alan there.

-Hey, Alan.

-Lovely to meet you.

Julianne. That's Matthew. Very good.

-Funny catching each other again.

-I know, I know.

-You guys know each other?

-Yeah, we do.

-I actually saw Dallas Buyers Club.

-Isn't it great?

And I texted Matthew.

I said, "I don't know if this is your number any more..."

I just cannot believe it. I don't know if you all have seen it yet. You HAVE to go see this movie.

Killed me! I mean, it just killed me!

-Now, Matthew...

-Yes?

(Talk about how great her new album is!)

-How great her new album is?

-When he got my new album, he texted ME!

The single's called Easy. The album's Feels Like Home.

-Now, is it your first full country album?

-Yeah.

-And is this a one-off or is this the new...

-This is it.

-This is totally it.

-It's country for ever?

-Actually, you know what?

-I feel like I've been doing country for ever.

-It's a subtle shift.

-It's not...

-A subtle shit?!

-A very subtle shit!

-Yeah, you can hardly smell it.

You can hardly smell it. It's...

No, a subtle SHIFT.

Shift. Don't look for trouble where there's none!

-Well, we like it.

-Oh, I'm glad. Thank you.

-It's really lovely. Thank you very much.

So, listen, we're nearly out of time but we do have time for a story or two in the red chair before we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. So, who's up first?

-Hello.

-Hello!

-You look lost in thought there.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-What's your name?

-Afrosa.

-Afrosa - lovely. And where do you live?

-I live in Essex.

-Oh, lovely.

CHEERING

Oh, look. Sheryl Crow applauded it, yeah.

Sheryl Crow's all over it. And what do you do in Essex?

-I am a physiotherapist.

-She IS a physiotherapist.

That sounded great. "Tonight, Matthew, I AM a physiotherapist."

OK, off you go with your story.

So, I was in school and we had a church service

and part of the church service was that we had to light about 35 candles

and the reverend asked me, cos I was a prefect at the time.

And I went to go light the candles but I must've been given a faulty taper,

because it clearly wasn't lighting the tea lights,

and the taper just started lighting itself and the flame just got even bigger and bigger.

And I tried to shake the taper like a sparkler to make it go away

but it just made the flames even bigger.

So in a panic, I dropped the taper on the floor.

-And I should have mentioned that as a prefect, you have to wear, like, a Harry Potter gown-type thing.

-Oh!

And as I dropped the taper, my gown caught on fire.

I had to disrobe in front of the whole school and Jesus and God...

LAUGHTER

-..and run behind the altar.

-Good story!

We'll let her walk. Yeah! That was a good story.

Well done, everyone. If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in the red chair, you can.

Contact us via our website at this address.

That's your lot. Thank you so much to my guests.

-Sheryl Crow, everybody!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Alan Davies!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Julianne Moore!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And Matthew McConaughey!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll see you next week. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye!