Episode 15 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, star of the new RoboCop film.

Wouldn't it be great to be half human, half machine?

Anyway, let's start...

Let's start the... Let's start the...

Let's start the show!

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Oh, you're too kind. Too kind. Oh, you're very kind.

Thank you very much.

Hello.

Yes, thank you very much.

Hello and welcome.

We have an amazing array of guests on tonight's show.

RoboCop star Gary Oldman is here.

Yeah.

Star of hit TV show Hostages Toni Collette is on the show.

Yes, she is.

Top comedy actor Nick Frost is here! Yes!

Plus, we've got music from the lovely London Grammar, everybody!

Yeah!

Love them. They're so cool. They are so cool.

Hey, Toni is currently starring in Channel 4's Hostages.

Don't know if you've seen it.

You do look at it and think,

"That's a terrible way to treat people."

I mean, does anyone really deserve to be gagged like that? Do they?

They're lovely girls and they're getting better all the time.

Looking forward to chatting to Gary Oldman. Such a great actor.

He won critical acclaim for his portrayal of Beethoven.

No! Not that Beethoven. Mind you, that was a good film.

Did you see it? It was very good.

I loved the bit where he chased squirrels in the West Country.

Oh, poor them. Laughing with you.

Now, Gary starred as Commissioner Gordon

in Batman Returns, The Dark Knight

and, of course, The Dark Knight Rises.

I don't think there are going to be any more Batman films.

Gary's up for it, but Batman let himself go a little.

Gary will shortly be starring in Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes.

It's the sequel to Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes,

a very thought-provoking film, ladies and gentlemen,

that portrayed the apes in a very sympathetic light.

Here's the writer.

99 friends, nearly finished.

Gary is to be seen in the hit new film RoboCop,

where he plays the man who creates the RoboCop.

Very impressive robot.

Better than his first effort.

The plot centres around RoboCop

yearning to have a normal relationship with his wife.

You do think, "How can a robot ever be intimate with a woman?"

RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING

Let's get some guests on!

Later, we'll be having music from London Grammar!

But first, he's the lord of the dance, it's Nick Frost, everybody!

There he is! Hello, sir.

-Sit down, sit down.

-Hello, everyone.

-Nick Frost!

I've got a sixth sense that she's going to be great.

It's Toni Collette!

Wow!

-Like an angel, a vision! Hello, darling.

-Hello!

Sit down! Toni Collette!

And it's Gary Oldman!

Oh! Hello!

So nice to see you! Hello, hello!

Sitty down! Sitty down!

Oh! Lovely to see you.

You look like you've been at three very different events.

No-one phoned ahead, did they?

Now, I'm looking at them and I'm trying to guess

from Nick and Gary whether Toni Collette

greeted them in your normal manner.

-Did you?

-Normal? What's normal?

Don't you like a bit of smack action?

Was that you?

That was you!

You hoped it was him.

Um, I've been known to do a bit of that.

I don't know why it happens.

It's just in the moment, I just slap people on the bum.

-But you do it to people you've never met before.

-That's right, yes.

Famous people you've never met before.

Um, well, one person I didn't know was Jeremy Piven.

-I was at the Emmys...

-NICK LAUGHS

I know! And I was seated on the aisle, then there was my husband,

and then Jeremy Piven, and some entourage folk.

He got up to get past like this and I was like, "Hello",

and I just did it.

He liked it very much.

Oh!

Presumably, people would be too scared to do that to Gary Oldman...

-Well, you've played...

-Give me half an hour.

Presumably, people coming up to you have changed over the years, because

you must have had culty people and now do you have lots of children?

Yes, my fan base after Harry Potter

went from sort of 40 to 4.

That's lovely.

They're so genuine.

They come up and they want their picture taken and their autograph.

It's very sweet.

And when they grow up and see your other films,

-they're going to get the fright of their life.

-"What a weirdo."

LAUGHTER

In terms of people coming up to people... The last time you were

on the show, Nick, you were on with Sandra Bullock and Samuel L Jackson.

Yeah.

-Now, is that story true?

-Yeah, I was on the show with...

No, no.

But Samuel L Jackson...

Is it true, the thing that he thought about you?

He thought I was a part of the security team.

Yes.

No, I don't think... I've heard that.

I heard that the other day and it really made me laugh,

cos it could be true.

But the first time I ever met Jeremy Clarkson, I was introduced

to him and he thought I worked at the venue we were at.

And he said, "Will you go off and get me a cordless mic, please?"

And I said, "Yeah, give me a second."

And I just went off and I didn't come back.

Listen, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we've got

three really good but different films to talk about.

There's a dark Nick Hornby comedy drama,

we've got a salsa romcom, FINALLY...

and the return of RoboCop.

-RoboCop.

-Well, it's not really a return. It's a brand-new RoboCop.

It's what they're calling a reboot. This is the new word now.

-We're rebooting it.

-What do you play?

-I play the doctor, the man who sort of...

-The doctor, the man.

-That puts him together.

-You make him?

-I make him.

Now, the extraordinary thing is...

-Cos how long ago is it since the first one?

-'87.

Back then, it was very much science fiction,

but now we're a hair's breadth of this being reality.

Yeah, it's science fact.

Of all the remakes they can remake, I thought this made sense to me.

-It could do with a reboot.

-We've caught up with ourselves.

Yeah, we've caught up with ourselves.

-Technologically, we've caught up with it.

-We're in the future.

We've got a clip.

This is you and Michael Keaton debating the pros and cons

of creating a man and machine RoboCop.

Here we go.

-What's wrong with it?

-No, nothing, nothing.

The software sends the information to the brain,

-then the brain relates this to the AI module...

-Yeah, a year later.

Computers finish the job.

Raymond, you wanted a man inside a machine,

and that's what you've got, but the human element will always be present.

Fear, instinct, bias, compassion.

-They will always interfere with the system.

-OK.

But, Dennett, I've got to give the American people something

they can root for, something aspirational, right?

They have to believe in this thing. Pretty good? That's not...

I don't know how to sell "OK".

So, I don't care how you to do it, I'm asking you.

Come on, can you help me? Just get him to do that.

-Get him to do that.

-He's a machine.

-I know, but it's a man inside a machine.

-NO!

That's a man inside a machine! Right there!

And his life depends on it, and the future of OmniCorp depends on it,

so get your ass back to China and get it fixed.

I don't care how you do it, just go do it!

Yeah.

Listen, we were talking about technology and how advanced

it is, so we looked online, and we discovered there is this robot.

You kinda think, how lame will that be? That's just going to be rubbish.

It's by... I think it's called a Nao robot

and it's from a company called Active Robots.

I think this one's from France.

Now, before I show it to you, and if there are any kids watching...

-Oh, no.

-No, no, it's not rude.

-Oh, right.

If kids are watching, before you fall in love with this thing,

I'm afraid I must tell Mummy and Daddy, it costs £12,000.

So...they may have to sell the car.

If you don't mind walking to school, it's fine.

I think it is quite cool.

-It's in here.

-Oh, you actually have it?

-We've got it.

-Is this a loan or did you pay £12,000?

-Oh, we borrowed it.

So don't let anybody spill anything on it.

I hate its overly casual starting position.

ROBOT: Do you want something?

-Follow me.

-No.

Wow.

I will try it one more time...

ROBOT: Do you want something?

Follow me.

Follow me.

HE GASPS

You have to move so it follows you.

It is not very good on carpet.

If you have spent all the money, you don't have carpet.

-ROBOT: I want to come with you.

-OK, baby.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

So, this is for lonely people.

Isn't that amazing? It's adorable.

I am going to make him stop. Put your arm down like that.

Oh, give me a break!

Sit down.

ROBOT: Sit down.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Look at his weary old bones!

Now, this bit... That's that.

I literally cannot believe what I am seeing.

-So, where does the monkey go in?

-Oops!

Sorry.

It's feeling very vulnerable right now.

I think it's reaching for a banana.

Hang on...

ROBOT: Do you want something?

Stand up.

ROBOT: Stand up.

Shall I move my water?

I think for 12 grand, you could get it to say please and thank you.

You should go to Toys R Us.

Careful, love.

ROBOT: Please help me.

Did you hear that? He said "please help me".

It's so vulnerable.

I kind of feel sorry for it.

-Wait.

-Can't we release it?

-I'll just centre it.

-GARY: Would you like another whiskey?

-ROBOT: What do you want me to do?

-Gangnam Style.

ROBOT: Gangnam Style.

-GASPING:

-Shut up!

I'm not joking.

What?!

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by Psy

How cool is that?!

Wait till you see. It gets better.

Wait till it gets to the break in the song!

Ladies and gentlemen, our robot!

Very good. That's good, right?

I am just going to take it away, cos it'll make noise. It beeps.

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE GASP

I didn't drop it! That is on you!

-Siri is going to get very jealous.

-That was amazing.

It is kind of amazing.

But what does it actually do? How does it help you in your life?

Did you not just see it perform Gangnam Style?

Other than that.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, so, RoboCop...

Because, frankly, you could do it at home...

But they're hoping it is going to be a franchise?

I think they're hoping, yeah. Of course.

Cos you're good at franchises.

-Batman...

-I have been very lucky with them.

And, of course, Harry Potter.

Harry Potter...

and RoboCop, and I have just done Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes.

-Of course, yes.

-Believe it or not,

I am the highest grossing actor in cinema history.

Wow! Gary Oldman!

APPLAUSE

And Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy... Another one of those in the works?

I have no idea.

I hope. It'd be nice to revisit Smiley's people.

I hope they are not making it without you.

You never know.

Awkward!

I was reading about that... There's a weird thing...

Obviously, you are English,

-but you had a dialect coach for the English accent.

-I did.

Cos I have lived in America for so long...

-Where did you live?

-I live in California.

My kids are American and that is what I hear around me all day.

I have little things I do not notice that slip in.

I had a voice coach.

I had to brush up my English.

-Wow.

-Well, you'll be Smiley, and then suddenly you would hit

a hard R, or a weird sound would come out.

So I needed to have English lessons.

Cos Abbie Cornish, who's in RoboCop...

-She said you do a very good Australian accent.

-Do you?

Give it a crack, mate!

LIGHT AUSSIE ACCENT: Now I'm on the spot with someone.

I don't know... There's that sort of

slight, subtle kind of accent

that just sort of touches the words.

-That's quite good, isn't it?

-Very good.

STRONG AUSSIE ACCENT: Then there is the full-on.

OWN VOICE: Passable?

Absolutely!

And you are talking to the master.

-Toni Collette, you are good at accents.

-Sometimes.

-Oh, no, you are though.

-Very nice of you. Thanks.

Have you ever had to do accents?

I played a guy called Danny Butterman

who was from the West Country...

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-..so I had to kinda do a Bristol accent

for a lot of the time.

-Beautiful!

-That's very good.

A lot of people thought I was from Bristol but I am not.

In terms of voices...

I didn't know this till you were coming on the show.

-Gary Oldman, you are the voice in Call Of Duty.

-Yes, one of them.

I am General Reznov.

I'm more famous for that than anything else.

That's a big deal.

What's Call Of Duty? What is that?

It's not THAT big a deal.

I'm not down...

It's a World War II game.

It's what they call a first person shooter.

Where you take control of a warrior.

You take control of a warrior...

You take control of a brave warrior and guide him

through battles of the Second World War.

-You do play it?

-I have done.

I have a baby now and I cannot really break away from fatherhood

to say, "I want to go upstairs for five hours and shoot people."

That doesn't cut any mustard, so I have given up, really.

-How much do you say in it?

-Tonnes.

It is four days in a studio and you scream your head off.

I've never shouted so much. You have to do it in four minutes bursts.

There are the variables, the directives, that the player can go.

You have to give them all the options.

And they have this thing, which is battle cry.

It is your voice but it is over music and battle sounds.

So, it literally is a scream fest for about four days.

I was in one with Kiefer Sutherland. It was funny.

He came out and said, "Hey, man, I have not screamed so much

"since I was married."

-How loud do you get?

-I could do it for you.

-Do it.

It's sort of like...

SHOUTING: Here! On the ledge!

Shoot him!

Attack!

For four days?

Toni, talking of accents, in your new movie,

you do an English one.

It's A Long Way Down. Opens up March 21st.

You were in About A Boy.

This is your second Nick Hornby novel adaptation.

It's true, yeah.

They call it a dark comedy, which always makes you slightly worried.

-But I think it's more comedy than dark.

-It is really funny.

It is also heartbreaking, but it's really bloody funny.

Maybe it's wrong, but I find the premise funny.

I found it funny.

It's about four different people who don't want to live any more.

They meet at the point of where they are about to not live any more.

They end up becoming, inadvertently becoming,

friends and, in a way, saving each other.

Yep. It is the most unlikely group of people.

I can't believe this.

Is it true you hadn't noticed that, also in About A Boy,

your other Nick Hornby film, you also played a suicidal person?

Clearly, it is my specialty.

-Did you just...?

-I didn't think about it.

A suicidal person isn't just suicidal.

There's a whole other life...

There is a big life. That is perhaps part of their life.

It is two very different characters

who perhaps might have wanted to do that.

The scene we have is from the beginning of the movie.

-Did we mention it was really funny?

-We did.

The four people - it's you, Pierce Brosnan...

Aaron Paul and Imogen Poots.

This is you meeting Pierce Brosnan on top of...

It's called Toppers Tower,

-because it is where people go to top themselves.

-Yeah.

This is the two of you meeting on Toppers Tower.

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Hi. Um...

I am not entirely sure how to phrase this but, are you going to be long?

-What?

-I wasn't sure whether to wait my turn.

I haven't considered the wire.

I would really like to borrow your ladder.

Maybe I should just wait.

-I'll wait.

-Are you just going to stand there and watch?

No, of course...

You'll be wanting to do it on your own, I imagine.

You imagine right.

-I'll...go there.

-All right.

I'll give you a shout on the way down.

Looks good, right?

Looks really good.

It was so good to make.

Pierce Brosnan went on to work with Nick after that.

Isn't he beautiful?

He is. He smells of wealth.

-You know what I mean?

-He's so well put together. But he's saucy!

I know that thing. I once was behind Bruce Willis.

-And...

-You didn't smack him on the bum?

Even the back of his neck looked rich.

The other place we can see you at the moment is on Channel 4

-in Hostages.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo!

-Some hostages.

-There they are.

It sounds like the plot of a movie, rather than a television series.

It's a 15-part movie.

It's a TV series. 15 episodes.

I play a doctor, you just saw the coat.

Playing a doctor... Do you...

Obviously, you cannot become a doctor...

Do you do research and prep for it?

A little. It's not about being a doctor.

It's about a family who are taken hostage in their own home,

and I am a doctor and they're trying to persuade me to kill the President.

I did have to perform surgery a few times.

They were extras, it was fine!

I think this is so sweet of you, Gary Oldman,

when you played Dracula...

You kind of think you can't prepare for that.

But you did attempt to prepare for that.

Well, when I was pissed.

Someone had sent me...

It was Francis Ford Coppola who'd sent me a coffin to the house.

-Sweet dreams!

-He said to me to just try it out, kind of thing.

I do remember, one night, going out for dinner

and everybody sort of ended up at my place.

And at some point, I wanted them to leave.

I had a little button on the side of the door, as you walked out,

as you would go out to this sort of driveway.

I would press it and the garage door would open.

The light would come on. Instead of a Porsche underneath this light,

it was a coffin.

I remember these two girls, I never saw them again!

It got rid of them.

I am very impressed with you, Nick.

Spaced, you wouldn't have thought it was that sort of project.

You played a weapons expert and you did prepare.

You went for it.

In the second series, I had to strip an MP5 submachine gun blindfolded.

They gave me one to take home.

It couldn't fire anything, but it was amazing for a young man

to have that in my house.

It was hot.

I lived downstairs.

I opened the back door to my house.

-I walked around the house, thinking I was Bruce Willis.

-Rambo!

I thought, let me have a go at this.

I did it a couple of times and put the blindfold on.

I did it three or four times.

The last time I did it,

I took the blindfold off and I felt a presence in the room.

I looked to the left where the door was

and there were six armed police pointing rifles and handguns at me.

As soon as they saw me look at them,

they literally streamed in like blue terror, screaming at me.

"Don't f... move!"

I literally took my hands off and just sat back.

They tied me...

They did the lot on me.

A woman had seen the barrel of a gun sticking out of my bag

when I got out of the car.

She phoned the police. They blocked the road.

They had a sniper looking to see who was in.

As soon as they realised it was not what it seemed,

everyone started to relax a bit.

Actors get away with anything. That is amazing.

My voice went so high.

-I said...

-HIGH PITCHED:

-"I'm an actor."

They were quite casual at the end.

Their parting shot was,

"Well done, mate, a lot of people piss themselves."

And they were off.

It was amazing.

APPLAUSE

Toni, are your kids still young enough they can come with you on set?

Mostly.

My son is now beyond the point of yelling out "Mummy"

every time he sees me on the monitor.

But certainly on Hostages, no way, cos everyone has guns and balaclavas. A "no go" zone.

Your kids, they are at this age where they are starting to ask

more difficult questions?

-Birth, death, stuff like that.

-Really?

How did I come to be? What happens when you die?

Tell me all the ways you can die.

It is a big responsibility to answer those questions.

Gary, proper parenting...

Do you have a rule where you could not swear in front of your kids?

Yeah...

They're older now but I did have a swear jar.

How much? Per word?

It was a dollar.

-How old is your child?

-He is two and a half.

Can you still swear in front of a two-and-a-half-year-old?

Yeah, of course I can.

He's not going to tell my mum, is he?

No, we don't. It slips out sometimes.

He's funny, because,

if we're sitting at the table in the kitchen...

We have an island and then the fridge beyond that,

and sometimes he wanders off to get his own yoghurt.

You see the fridge door opening and some fumbling going on.

Then you hear the yoghurts drop and just hear, "Oh, shit."

So, you know... He's got that off his mum, I think.

She's terrible for it.

Obviously, you bring up kids, you all want to be cool parents.

Sadly, that title has been ripped from you,

because some parents have been officially called

the coolest parents in the world.

They're taking over the internet.

They're from New Zealand. They moved to Australia.

Here's the bad thing. They were a little bored when they moved to Australia.

They were in Sydney and they just had a baby...

and a lot of packing cases.

A lot of cardboard left over from the move.

They came up with this idea...

How much time and effort went into this?!

They came up with this idea of Cardboard Box Office.

So, they used, basically, the leftover packing cases

and their baby to recreate iconic scenes from films.

OK? It has become a thing. Here is the website. There we go.

Leon is the man, Lily is the woman, and the baby is Orson.

With popcorn on his head.

They really are just using this baby as a prop.

Frankly, I'm surprised they named it.

This first film, what film is that?

It's Alien.

Yes.

I love that baby.

Look at the attention to detail!

The cardboard, the wool blood. Very good.

I've never seen Alien.

What is up next?

What movie is that? Do you recognise that?

We've talked about that man.

-It's Die Hard.

-Oh, yes!

That's Bruce Willis on the top.

There's Bruce.

That's Alan Rickman.

Yes, Alan Rickman underneath.

Then they have done some classics.

They have given us their Star Wars.

My favourite is the Chewbacca.

Look at the little Chewbacca.

Oh!

And, one of your films.

Little Orson is giving us The Dark Knight.

That doesn't look safe to put a baby up there.

We rang them and said,

"Is it OK if we show the pictures on the show?"

This is so sweet. They were very excited.

For the first time,

Cardboard Box Office has done a homage to a television show

and they have actually done tonight's show.

We told them who was on and they've done tonight's show

and sent it to us. Feast your eyes on this!

This is so impressive. Look at that.

I look a bit confused.

Let me talk you through it.

I'm the baby...

I've got a glass of milk.

The set is amazing.

The set is so good. They've even got the coffee table.

-The coffee table is the same.

-That is amazing.

Am I portrayed as a big dog?

-No, no... There's...

-What is it?

-Is it a bear?

-I think it's a bear.

It's adorable.

Anyway, well done, the coolest parents in the world. Very good.

Now, Nick Frost...

You have to talk now. He's feeling all weird.

I just feel like I'm not ever going to get over

what's happening right now. The robot and that...

He's like, "I feel like I'm tripping."

Now we're about to talk about your film, so you're on.

This is your passion, I think we call it a passion project, don't we?

-Yeah.

-Well, it was your idea.

-Yeah!

Did you write it?

No, I had the idea, and I wrote a Bible of the characters,

and the idea, and we found a beautiful writer called

John Brown and we handed it over.

I believe I am correct that it is the first

and best British salsa comedy.

-It's really specific, isn't it?

-It really is. It's niche.

Cuban Fury.

I've read reports, some say you have always loved dancing,

some say you hated dancing.

But you have danced in the past?

Yeah... The truth is I really like to dance,

but I do not like people watching me dance.

That is the issue I have. And also an expectation that you would dance.

If somebody wants me to dance...

I would never dance, I would rather be dead than dance.

So was this film a big ask, then?

Yes, because essentially, I ruined my wedding by not wanting to dance

with my wife when we did our first dance.

Everybody gathered round and I bumbled out

and put my hands on her shoulders, and we did this a bit...

And then stopped, found some lint in my pocket and flicked it away.

People then joined around us, and it was fine.

The thing about a big lump dancing and enjoying it,

and doing it well is,

you get a really odd look off thinner people,

and it is a look that you might give a child who has battled

and defeated a childhood illness to go on and complete a half marathon.

This is the look they give you...

And I think, "No, no, no."

It doesn't matter what you look like, if you are good

and you feel it inside your heart

then it does not matter what you look like. And it came from that.

And in the movie, it is really you dancing,

and you are a championship salsa dancer.

Yes, I trained for seven hours a day

for seven months before we shot any film at all.

Whole point was that I wanted to dance

and I wanted to be able to dance, and not just do the choreography,

but to know how to dance and know what Latin culture was.

They got some amazing people in from all over the world to teach me.

Being a big Englishman, it's very difficult to open yourself up

to Latin culture. And a lesson would be like, for example, a kid came

in once, a 22-year-old from Havana, beautiful,

weighed the same as one of my legs, came in...

Richard, my choreographer, said, "He is going to be with you for

"the next 45 minutes, enjoy yourself, he's a great dancer."

He put some music on, he came over and stood in front of me,

really close to me, and as an Englishman, it is...

You don't know what's happening.

He just stood in front of me

and he took his fist and gently pounded my chest, and he did this...

Boom-boom, chakka-da, boom, boom, doom, da cha!

He did it for 40 minutes, then he put his vest on and he said,

"If you don't feel this, don't bother."

And he left. That was a lesson.

So, they essentially smashed me to bits and build me back up.

We are going to see you dancing, but I should warn people,

this is a bit of the story, actually,

we have not really told the story. So, you were a boy champion...

-Yeah, let me do it.

-Please do.

A young man who was a champion salsa dancer, and at the age of 15

he made the national finals,

and on the eve of the finals, something terrible happened to him

and he turned his back on the world of salsa.

We then jump forward 25 years,

and that young man with fire in his eyes has become a lump

who can't be bothered, he hasn't got a girlfriend,

he doesn't like his job.

And then he meets this woman and she sparks something in him,

and he decides to take it up and he decides to woo her using dance.

-Let's have a look at the clip.

-Yeah.

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

Welcome back.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

-Very good.

Opening on Valentine's Day as well, perfect. It's a date movie.

Now, it is time for some music. I love this band, I really do.

Performing Strong from their platinum selling debut album,

it is London Grammar!

# Excuse me for a while

# While I'm wide-eyed

# And I'm so down caught in the middle

# I've excused you for a while

# While I'm wide-eyed

# And I'm so down caught in the middle

# And if a lion, a lion, roars would you not listen?

# If a child, a child, cries would you not forgive them?

# Yeah, I might seem so strong

# Yeah, I might speak so long

# I've never been so wrong

# And I might seem so strong

# Yeah, I might speak so long

# I've never been so wrong

# Excuse me for a while

# While I'm wide-eyed

# And I'm so down caught in the middle

# Have you wondered for a while

# I have a feeling deep down?

# You're caught in the middle

# And if a lion, a lion, roars would you not listen?

# If a child, a child, cries would you not forgive them?

# Yeah, I might seem so strong

# Yeah, I might speak so long

# I've never been so wrong

# Yeah, I might seem so strong

# Yeah, I might speak so long

# I've never been so wrong

# Ooh. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Beautiful. London Grammar, everybody!

Absolutely gorgeous. Come and join me.

Hello, nice lady.

Hello, come and sit down. Hello, come and sit down.

There they go.

Meet everybody! Shove up.

There you go. Make room.

There they are, London Grammar, and they are Hannah, Dot and Dan.

-Am I right?

-Yes.

That song is off the album If You Wait which is out now.

It's just beautiful.

In my old head, it seems like you've arrived like that.

I heard you on the radio, and then it was the EP, then the album.

Does it feel kind of overnight,

suddenly people know who you are?

Not a lot of people know who we are,

we can walk down the street and no-one knows who we are.

Actually, this is a rather sad story, ladies and gentlemen,

but even after gigs people come up to Hannah and Dot,

but poor Dan...

..even after seeing you play, they don't recognise you?

I'm not that recognisable.

I don't have the hair, and I'm pretty short, as well.

-Prince is short.

-Yeah, well, I'm not Prince!

LAUGHTER

Could we have a close-up of Dan?

-Study that face.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

remember me.

If you see him tomorrow...

If you see him tomorrow out and about, about his business,

say hello, he'll love it.

Before we go tonight, just time for a story in the red chair,

so who's there?

-Hello!

-Hello?

-Hi!

LAUGHTER

It's not God, it's Graham Norton, hosting the show.

LAUGHTER

-What's your name, Sir?

-My name is Darshan.

-And where do you live, Darshan?

-In Harrow.

-Harrow!

And what do you do in Harrow, Darshan?

I'm a director of a cleaning company.

He's a director of a cleaning company! Well done you, Darshan.

Off you go with your story, Darshan.

So this is when I was at my old workplace,

I used to work in a bank before, and everyone's about to go home

and I really needed to go for a wee.

So I quickly ran up to the men's toilet, go in,

did my business...

And then washed my hands, I'm going to the door and the door's locked.

Then I started panicking, cos my phone and everything was downstairs.

Oh, no.

I looked at my watch and it's obviously now time to go,

so I'm assuming everyone's gone now.

I'm locked in the toilet.

(He's locked in the toilet!)

Obviously I was stuck there, I was going to be there all night...

We've established that, Darshan!

LAUGHTER

The next morning my manager comes in, obviously

I've spent the whole night in the toilet sleeping, on a toilet roll.

LAUGHTER

That's not the worst part.

He sent me home to go have a shower and then come back to work again.

LAUGHTER

Aw! I am going to do that, though.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Cos I thought something else was going to happen.

But it turned out that, no,

you were just locked in a toilet all night.

-I mean, terrible thing to happen.

-Yeah, it is.

I can see why he left banking.

It didn't treat him well, did it? Shall we have somebody else?

-Hello, what's your name?

-My name's Sarah.

Sarah, very good, and where do you live, Sarah?

I live in Godstone in Surrey.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Hurray!

-No. And what do you do?

-I'm a teacher.

-And what subjects do you teach?

-I teach little ones, primary school.

-So you do all the subjects?

-Yes.

She is wise!

Very wise. OK, off you go with your story.

Well, I was on my way home from a very busy day at work,

I was on the bus, and my bus stop was just coming,

so I stood up, sidled past the ladies in front of me,

got to the aisle and I realised there was something

heavy on the front of my cardigan.

My bus stop was coming up and to my horror I looked down

and I saw a lady's wig hanging from my cardigan.

Good story!

It was brown and it had a lovely purple bow on it,

and I was yanking at it to get it off, my stop was coming,

I couldn't get it off, she was screaming,

the bust conductor was talking about scalping people in public,

luckily I yanked it off, I threw it at her,

said sorry and I made my stop.

She can walk, that's a good story.

-APPLAUSE

-That's a good story, well done!

If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in the red chair, you can.

Contact us via our website at this lovely address.

Thank you to all my guests tonight,

-London Grammar, ladies and gentlemen.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Mr Nick Frost!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Toni Collette!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-And Gary Oldman!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Join me next week with music from Paloma Faith

and the stars of the new movie The Monuments Men,

Hugh Bonneville, Jean Dujardin and Matt Damon.

I'll see you then, good night, everyone, goodbye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING