Episode 16 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, the star of Saving Private Ryan,

where they tried to find Private Ryan.

I wonder if I can find him in my audience.

No, no, er...

LAUGHTER

No, I can't see him anywhere. Hey, let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey! Oh! Oh!

How very lovely of you! How very kind!

Hello, hi, hi, hi!

Oh! Ladies and gentlemen,

oh, you are in for a treat.

What a star-studded line-up we have for you tonight.

Hollywood superstar, Private Ryan himself, Matt Damon is on the show!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I know!

The Earl of Grantham,

Hugh Bonneville is here, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The absolutely brilliant Bill Murray is on our show tonight!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah! I know!

Plus we've got music from the marvellous Paloma Faith, everybody.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Not bad.

Not bad, eh, eh?

Right, delighted to welcome Matt Damon to the show.

Of course his most famous series of films is the Bourne Trilogy.

We all know them. There was Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy,

and then, I think, Bourne Stupid.

LAUGHTER

That's just silly.

Matt recently starred with Scarlett Johansson

in the drama We Bought A Zoo.

Now, I was less keen on the Danish remake,

We Bought A Zoo And Shot The Giraffe.

LAUGHTER

What were they thinking?!

A zoo in Denmark has killed a giraffe they didn't want.

Do you think the giraffe knew it was going to be shot? Do you?

LAUGHTER

"Nothing! Nothing!

"Keep walking, nothing to see here."

And then it gets worse.

You know what they did? They fed it to the lions.

Hands up, is there anyone who thinks that's a good idea?

LAUGHTER

"I do!"

Hey, a very warm welcome to the show

to the brilliant Bill Murray, everyone! Oh! Bill Murray.

It's so exciting, so exciting to have him here.

I loved Bill in Groundhog Day,

all about a man who lives the same day over and over again.

What would that be like?

LAUGHTER

"And today, scum.

"Fat scum in shell suits.

"After the break, more scum."

Hey! Hugh Bonneville is here,

star of the international smash hit drama Downton Abbey. Oh, we love it.

Just look at him there, so dapper and smart.

Mind you, here he is before going into make-up...

LAUGHTER

No, that's Hugh as Mr Stink.

He also - that's a thing - he also starred in the brilliant comedy

all about the London Olympics, Twenty Twelve.

He played bungling organiser Ian Fletcher.

He made so many mistakes and he got away with it.

Now, if someone at the Winter Olympics makes a mistake,

I think they're less likely to get away with it.

LAUGHTER

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"Fifth snowflake did not turn into ring.

"You're going to die.

"I feed you to lion."

Let's get some guests on!

Later we'll be chatting and having music from Paloma Faith!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But first, Good Lord, it's Hugh Bonneville!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. So nice to have you here. Come in, come in, sit down.

Thank you.

You want a star guest, who are you going to call? It's Bill Murray!

Wow! Hello, sir,

so nice to see you, come in, come in.

And I'm saving Private Ryan till last. It's Matt Damon, everybody!

Wow!

-Hello, sir.

-How are you?

-I'm really well. Sit down, sit down.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know, it's good, right? It's a good one.

They might just clap for 45 minutes. It's good.

You're very, very welcome and you've all just come from

-the premiere of your film, Monuments Men.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-That's why we're drinking champagne.

-To celebrate. Yes.

In fact, now,

why is yours not in a champagne glass, Hugh?

Do you want people to think, "Oh, I'm just a man of the people.

"Simple white wine for me?"

-No, I just like drinking more than anyone else at one time.

-Oh, right.

Let's get started. If we...

Hey, hey, hey! Thank you.

Ready? Cheers.

Cheers. One, two, three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, he did? Wow.

Oh, oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow.

-Don't do this at home. Don't do this at home.

-Oh, God!

Oh, that ginger ale is crazy.

Now you should just ask us really personal questions.

And, actually, now, cos there was a big crowd on Leicester Square,

and I just want to ask Matt, it's so odd but people confuse you.

They don't always know that you're Matt Damon.

That's, yeah, no, I get confused with Mark Wahlberg all the time.

LAUGHTER

It literally happened, it happened last week.

I was in New York and I was taking my kids to the park, and, uh,

and this guy at the subway, I walked by him and he goes,

"Mark Wahlberg!"

And I kept walking, you know.

We were... I was going to Washington Square Park, I'm on Broadway,

and, uh, he's like, "I see you, Mark Wahlberg!"

And he might have been a little drunk, uh, yeah...

But it was one of those things where he wasn't going to let it go,

and I'm holding two of my kids' hands, it's, you know...

And he's just, you know, "Turn around, Mark, we all know it's you!"

And I don't turn around cos I'm not Mark Wahlberg.

But now everybody's looking,

and so I turn the corner with the kids to get around the corner,

and he comes running around the corner and he comes up to me

and he goes, "Come on, turn around, you gotta turn around!"

I turn around, and the kids are totally confused,

and I go, "How are ya?" And he goes, "I'm good, man."

And that's it, that's all he wanted.

He wanted me to just acknowledge that I was Mark Wahlberg.

And another woman comes running up and says,

"I love your work and I love your brother's work as well."

So I said, "I will be sure to tell Donnie Wahlberg."

And that was the extent of my interaction.

But it happens to him too, cos somebody posted this.

"I screamed Matt Damon. He didn't correct us at all."

LAUGHTER

Mark and I talked about it years ago, cos it was happening to us

all the time, and so we have a deal and the deal is just,

if you're mistaken for the other guy, you have to be extremely polite.

I can't ruin his name, so when I'm Mark Wahlberg,

I have to be on my best behaviour.

-Well, I promise not to confuse you with Mark Wahlberg tonight.

-OK.

Unless you sit in my lap and play with my nipples.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I'm smiling.

And he'd had one of these at the beginning of the show as well?

I'm not sure what happened before the beginning of the show.

Actually, in terms of meeting fans, Hugh, you get confused as well,

not with Mark Wahlberg, who do you get confused with?

Well, in the old days when I had cheekbones it was Colin Firth.

And then, er... There we are, you see.

Then, latterly, Paul Burrell, the former butler.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't even know who that is and it's funny. Tell us who that is.

It's funny, we don't know who the hell that is.

-You're lucky.

-Who is he?

He was, he was, what was he, Diana's butler or something?

-He was the butler to...

-Oh, the butler? Yeah, right, of course.

And I was chased across Sloane Square once by a paparazzo

who refused to believe that I wasn't him. "Come on, Paul!

"Come on, just one!" Oh, you know, "You're my favourite butler!"

LAUGHTER

Now, Bill Murray, delightful to have you on,

and am I, maybe this is wrong,

I'm told you've never done a British talk show before.

Well, I think I did one but the guy was actually Irish.

Oh...

LAUGHTER

So, so technically... I mean, there was people running after me

the next day going, "Hey, Mark Wahlberg!

"That guy you were on with was Irish!"

But you said to me his name was,

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Do you know a guy called Terry Wo-GAN?"

-Mr Wo-GAN.

-Yes, was there...? There's a man named Wogan.

He's still going.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-OK, well, I was on the Wogan show.

For like a week, people were like,

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-"I saw you on the Wogan show."

LAUGHTER

-I did, but he was a nice fella. That's the guy that's Irish?

-Yeah.

THE guy!

I should probably point out I'm Irish too.

-What?

-I'm Irish as well.

-You are?

-Yeah.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

I know you are, I think you play golf there all the time, yeah.

You know, it's people like us that are turning this country around.

LAUGHTER

Now, gentlemen, we're here to celebrate your movie,

The Monuments Men.

It opens tonight, which, as you know, is Valentine's Night.

-WHOOPS FROM AUDIENCE

-I know.

You do sort of think, if you're at home watching this show live, sorry.

That didn't really work out the way you'd hoped, did it?

I mean, it's a great show but you'd hoped for more, didn't you?

You'd hoped for more. But now, the story of Monuments Men,

it's inspired by a true story from the Second World War,

and it's - I mean, not only is it an extraordinary story

but it's sort of amazing that no-one has told this story before.

I mean, it was amazing.

I'd never heard it and I had never heard about these guys and

I was shocked that this... It's such an incredible story that

I was surprised that I hadn't heard it,

and it's these guys who were, you know, our age,

middle-aged guys who, erm, during the Second World War dropped everything.

LAUGHTER

-Roughly.

-He's still chasing that Colin Firth dream.

LAUGHTER

Listen, the number of times I came up to him on set and told him

how much I loved The King's Speech.

LAUGHTER

It's true.

But, so there were these guys who had established careers,

they were curators, they were professors and art experts.

And they were well past their soldiering prime,

and they dropped everything and went to, er...

You've picked up the glass. LAUGHTER

-He's only having a sip.

-Lord Grantham has...

It's a great story, keep talking.

LAUGHTER

This is the only way I'm going to get out of here sober.

-I'm going to answer every question.

-Answer every question.

Er, but so these guys, erm, at great risk to themselves,

they basically believed, you know, all of them believed that, er,

the artwork that, you know...

The bombarding that the Allies were doing

and the things that might get destroyed were worth protecting,

and that the art that the Nazis had stolen was worth, you know,

their own lives to try to go and retrieve.

And they, some of them died doing this,

trying to protect the artwork because they felt that it had

-that much value to our culture and to our civilisation.

-And to the world.

Well, we've got a little clip.

-It's George Clooney, who plays the head Monument Man.

-Of course.

And he's... Of course he's the head one.

Well, he wrote it and directed it, what's he going to do(?)

LAUGHTER He wasn't going to play my part!

That stupid part, yeah.

This is the clip where he's recruiting you

to be one of the Monuments Men.

How's the ticker?

Still ticking.

Want to get in the War?

-Monuments Men?

-Signed by Roosevelt.

-Oh, I see that.

I'm to put a team together and try to protect what's left

and find what's missing.

-Aren't you a little old for that?

-Yes.

You want to go into a war zone and tell our boys what they can

-and cannot blow up?

-That's the idea.

-OK, how many men?

-For now, six.

-Jesus.

-With you, that's seven.

-That's much better(!)

-We're to go through basic in England and then we wait for orders.

-Basic?

-Mm-hm.

-Basic training? Us?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, boy.

APPLAUSE

Beautiful, and, er,

is that you at the end, in the hat with the wine?

-Was that you?

-What, the waiter?

-No, were you in the bar with the red wine? Was that you?

-No, no, no.

-No, no, I drop in later, I think.

-OK. And you are in it, I've seen it.

-I think so, yes.

-You're very good in it.

-Thank you so much.

Not quite as good as he was in The King's Speech.

LAUGHTER

Now, it is... It's a great film, huge Hollywood cast,

and, Bill, lovely to see you in a film, but how does it happen?

Cos is it true you don't have an agent or a manager or anything?

I don't have a magent or an agent...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Oh, man.

-I have neither.

LAUGHTER

Whoa!

-You're competitive, Matt Damon.

-It's a problem.

I hear Mark Wahlberg has that too.

Don't play catch-up. So, Bill, how do people contact you?

Well, actually, George, uh, George, to,

-George, to reach me...

-LAUGHTER

George reached me through a mutual friend of ours

who basically said, wanted to know, "Are you busy?"

But George had told me the story of the movie about a year before,

eating lunch, and I thought,

"Yeah, go on, tell me, yeah, go ahead."

"Now you just say you want to do it."

And he didn't say anything,

and then about nine months later I get this message through

my friend saying, "Uh, George wants to know if you're busy."

And that was the job. It's a great story,

it's an amazing story and I just said, "OK."

And you'd met George Clooney originally in Venice, was it?

-Yes.

-OK.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

We met in Venice. It was, uh... He had a movie in Venice,

I don't even remember, but...

I don't remember much.

LAUGHTER

But it was the night we had Lost In Translation open in Venice

and it was a big deal.

So there's one night, and all the Hollywood guys,

they're all really stiffs, most of 'em.

But one night of the year, they end up on this one island in Venice,

they end up in Venice...

And they all drink a whole lot, for some apparent reason.

Not George, but these other show business guys.

-So a whole kind of...

-Not George?

No, George drinks all the time, that's what I mean.

George drinks regularly and consistently, but, erm...

So, I don't know, I met George that night and we kind of hit it off.

And then I went back to America and my son said to me,

"What's this about you and George Clooney

"pushing people around in wheelchairs in Venice?"

And I said, "You know, you're my son.

"I would have expected more from you.

"You know, to believe that kind of a story.

"You know, I mean, why would you ever think

"that something like that actually happened?"

And he said, "Because there are pictures."

LAUGHTER

You know, this is the age we live in, so...

But, erm... So it turned out that George and I were, like,

taking women around in wheelchairs,

and trying to dump them into the swimming pool.

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

No, no, they... No-one died, no-one died.

It was a joke, it was a joke, they just got a rinse.

LAUGHTER

Tonight, at the premiere,

there were some relatives of the old Monuments Men's family,

and a lady in a wheelchair came for a photograph with everyone.

And she was there, probably in her 90s,

and you sat on her knee.

LAUGHTER

She was 97.

-She was 97.

-I only...

-She was 97.

-What do you expect?

I asked Mark to do it first and he wouldn't do it.

He wouldn't do it, and I went and I sat on her lap.

No, it's - I find, if you look at someone like that, you see

the wheelchair, when you see someone on their lap, you see a party girl.

LAUGHTER

BOTH: A 97-year-old party girl.

And she loved every second.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, wait a minute, I'll give you a story from a few days ago.

We're in Berlin, we land in Berlin for the film festival,

and the film festival's going to be the next day.

We have press all day, starting in the morning.

And it's five o'clock and my wife and I are getting

a bite to eat in our hotel, you know, in the restaurant.

And Bill walks up, and we're getting a snack, cos we're all meeting for

dinner at eight, the whole cast is meeting for dinner.

And Bill walks up and he goes, "Hey."

And I go, "Hey." And he goes,

"I might miss dinner tonight."

And I go, "Oh, really, why? "Are you not feeling well, are you jetlagged?

"Like, what is it?" And he goes,

"Nah, I'm going to go to Prague."

LAUGHTER

"You're going to go to Prague?" And he goes,

"Yeah, I'm going to take the train." I'm like, "The train?

"We're in Berlin. Like, how far is that?

"I lived in Prague for a while, I've never done that."

And he goes, "It's, like, five hours."

I'm like, "It's five o'clock now."

And he goes, "Yeah, train leaves in an hour."

Bearing in mind we had press at, like, 9:00am the next morning.

9:00am the next morning. "So you're going to take a train to Prague,

"you're going to get there around 11:00 or around midnight?"

And he goes, "Yeah, but I've never been there."

It's pretty, it's a really pretty town.

-Did you go?

-Oh, of course.

You did it?

APPLAUSE

And he was bang on time for press the next morning.

The best is I get a walking tour of Prague, and they have this

extraordinary astronomical clock there that's a mechanical clock

that has roosters that crow and a skeleton that rings the bell.

And, you know, I go through a whole process with a lady from the embassy

who couldn't have been nicer, to walk me around town,

and the clock rings but it only rings once.

It's one o'clock in the morning, you know.

"Bang!"

LAUGHTER

"OK, let's get a taxi."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, Hugh Bon... You don't mind me calling you Hugh Bon?

-It's catching on now.

-Hugh Bon?

-Hugh Bon.

You're like the J-Lo of England.

-There's like R-Patz and then there's Hugh Bon.

-What about H-Bon?

But, now, did you know George Clooney before this?

Oh, we go back years! No.

No, he talks about having a long lunch and not getting the job offer

at the end of it - you know, there was a five-second phone call

from my agent saying, "George Clooney wants..."

And I said yes.

So, yeah. And then, erm... In fact,

I haven't actually fessed up that the offer, these things come through

from your agent saying - very dry letters saying -

"Dear Hugh, for your attention, this project, produced by so-and-so..."

28 million names of who are the producers and then starring,

and, you know, Bill and Matt and everyone else.

And then at the bottom, another name, for my part,

which they'd failed to wipe out, so, you know...

LAUGHTER

These things happen. And, er, I was thrilled.

-Who was it?

-I'm not going to tell you.

Oh, give us a clue.

-Oh, erm...

-Was it an English person?

-It was, actually, yeah.

-It's Victoria Beckham.

-Exactly.

You told him! You said you wouldn't...! Shh!

She would have been brilliant.

LAUGHTER

But is it all kind of down to the Downton thing?

Was George a fan of Downton?

-Completely.

-Because, in 220 territories...

I didn't know there were 220 territories.

No, what does that mean? Territories is different to nations, obviously.

Yes, they must be. I don't think there are 220 countries.

-But territories.

-How many countries are there?

-Somebody Google it.

Now, did you guys watch Downton? Did you know what Downton was?

I'm starting to think Texas is its own territory, they're like,

TEXAN DRAWL: "We're a territory.

"We're gon' shoot you if you come down here."

-Sorry.

-Did you watch Downton before?

No, my wife is an addict,

and by addict I mean like a crack addict.

And it's like a problem.

We were supposed to start the show together,

and I came to bed one night and she said,

"I've just watched six of them."

LAUGHTER

And she was like, "I'll tell you..." BILL GIGGLES

"I'll tell you what happened."

Because she wanted to see the seventh

and she didn't want to go back to the first.

You know. And so she's done the whole thing and I'm on my own, so...

I will watch Downton Abbey because I love Hugh, but I'm going to

have to find the time somehow to do that raising four kids.

Have you ever seen it, Bill?

-Downton Abbey?

-No.

-OK.

I never have, but I'm just slow.

I have a lot of, like... I'm really slow cleaning up my room

and getting dressed and everything. So I miss these shows.

But I really look forward to getting,

like, a serious flu or something like that.

I'll get the entire set and watch the whole thing

because he seems like the greatest guy.

-He seems like a great guy.

-It's a very good show.

It's one of those weird things, it's too convincing.

Like, I'm sort of on the fringes of this industry,

I meet actors on the show.

But when I see the Downton cast on a red carpet,

and it's the servants, I always think, "Oh, isn't that lovely!"

Look at that! Look, it's Mrs Patmore! She borrowed a dress!

Did they give them the morning off?

Or is he there going, "Where's my kedgeree?!"

You have a love/hate thing, don't you, with it?

No, I love it in that I watch it all the time,

but a bit like a relationship with crack, I hate it too.

Well, you know it's killing you. So...

May I ask you, is he, like, the grand master?

He's the Lord of the Lord.

But what you need to know, Bill, is Lord Grantham,

and I think this is fair, is always wrong.

-Well, there you go. There you go right there.

-Yeah.

-That's...

He is, though, isn't he? You must get annoyed.

Put it this way. When your name

comes out of a dog's arse in the titles, you know...

You know you're in for a bad ride.

No, because Lady Sybil... You killed her. Blood on your hands.

-No, people say that!

-You killed someone in the show?

-No, I didn't!

-Yes, he did.

-Time out, time out.

-Murderer!

Dr Clarkson, OK? Up to then, who we...

Don't tell me, I haven't seen the show!

-Up to that point...

-He killed somebody but I don't want to know!

I don't want to know!

Up to that point, we called him Dr Death on set

because every decision he makes was terrible.

So there is some sense in my character calling in

some outside advice.

It happens to be possibly the wrong one,

and, you know, she wants out of her contract, so she dies.

Wow.

If you're watching in one of the 220 territories

that hasn't got to that point in the story yet...

hey, maybe she gets better.

I wouldn't join the Matthew Crawley fan club either.

I wouldn't invest in that.

I'm going for a pee, excuse me.

-Are you really going for a pee?

-I am. Close-ups on them.

-Tiny bladder.

-They just say that over here.

Bladder...bladder like a pea. Yeah.

You know, with all respect, we have commercials in America,

you can go and do this in the middle.

We just keep going. BBC, bladders of steel.

Quickly, I just want to ask you, Lost In Translation,

when you were making that film,

I read that you had a particular phrasebook in Japan. Is this true?

-That's true.

-Where did you even get that phrasebook?

I don't know where I found it.

I sort of went hunting, looking for something

and it's something that I'd purchased years before,

before I made the film,

and it's a book called Making Out In Japanese.

-So, what are some of the phrases in the book?

-Well, it's pretty great.

I used to take this book with me to dinner.

I used to take this to the sushi bar

and sit down in front of the sushi chef and say...

"Can we get into the back seat?"

"Do you have a curfew?"

"Do you mind if I use protection?"

These guys all had big knives, big, big knives. Sharp knives.

And they all liked it very much.

I had a lot of fun with that book,

and I... It would just... It made my life so much fun.

I still have the book, it's a treasure to me.

It's in my, you know, first editions.

Yes, it's under glass!

I learned some great expressions.

I learned one expression which turns out to be the final thing you say

before you kill or fight in Japan, which is...

"Who do you think you're talking to?"

Which is like a real status kind of thing you do.

And you say... "Dare ni mukatte mono ittenda yo?"

And you say it like that, and it's totally terrifying.

And we used to get dressed up...

On Sofia's movie, we'd move around and you'd have a make-up...

We'd rent, like, a small hotel room and that would be the make-up

and hairdressing and all the stuff. And the wardrobe and everything.

One morning, I got my first iPod...

-This is a long story, you got a lot of time.

-Yeah!

I got my first iPod, and I was singing, like, the Beatles.

I was singing something, like,

"Let it be!" Something like that, really loud, full volume,

but it's 5:30 in the morning.

And some guy steps out of his hotel room in his robe

and he comes down and he starts shouting at me.

And I had the headphones on, and I just looked at him

and I said, "Dare ni mukatte mono ittenda yo?"

And this giant man just went completely white.

Because it's a Yakuza thing which means, "Now you're going to die."

And the guy ran down the hall, slammed the door,

and locked the door.

So, you know.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

I know, I know.

I know, but I said only I was allowed to wear sort of deep red.

I know, well... Well, you're sacked, I'm sorry. I'm back now.

Beautifully done. Nicely done. Seamless, no-one will notice.

Incidentally, thanks for sending the memo to everybody but me.

-Well, yeah, that is odd, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's weird.

I've never seen this colour and now I see it on three men at once.

It's just have a go at Matt night. That's fantastic, thanks.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, because Hugh Bonneville...

-That would be Hugh Bonneville!

-No, no! Hugh Bonneville is a lovely man!

Hugh Bonneville's a lovely man.

But I just want to refer back to a television appearance

that Hugh Bonneville made a couple of weeks ago.

-He was on a programme called Top Gear.

-Oh, I love that show.

-You were on Top Gear?

-Driving.

-That's the greatest show.

-Do you have a clip from Top Gear?

-We don't have a clip,

but we do have a bizarre...

His appearance caused quite the reaction.

Here he is on Top Gear.

Now, a lot of people were focused on the jumper.

A lot of people were focused on the jumper,

but even more people were concerned with, why...?

Why were you wearing lipstick on Top Gear?!

-Oh, my word!

-We haven't doctored, we haven't doctored the picture.

-That...

-I haven't got my glasses on, I can't see it.

Trust me, you're wearing lipstick. There we go.

I am not wearing lipstick! I've never worn lipstick in my life!

-It looks, it does look like lipstick.

-That was a very cold day.

Well, I'm intrigued. I'm here to say that I was not wearing lipstick.

It was flipping cold, because on Top Gear,

they say bring two sets of clothes.

You're going to be boiling hot in the car,

and you're going to be freezing cold in the studio.

I thought, boiling hot in the car? It's a cold day in wherever we are,

February, it's not going to be like that at all.

I was roasting, because you're exerting so much adrenaline

and sweat, because you're in a, well...

Just right now, your lips are turning a different colour!

That's because of you, Bill! That's because of you!

And then you're in the studio,

this aircraft hangar where apparently last summer,

it's either incredibly hot or it's freezing this time of year.

And last year, when Patrick Stewart was on...

My lips are going red, aren't they?

They do! They just go red on TV! That's really weird!

When Patrick Stewart...

I am this table!

It's an odd look for a man but you carry it off.

Yeah! So, last year...

I'm like whatshername's pout the other week.

So last year, apparently about four or five people -

stop giggling - four or five people fainted

while Patrick Stewart was doing his thing because it was so hot.

And I thought it would be chilly so I'd have my favourite woolly jumper.

But not my red lippy, which I left at home.

He just said, my lips, my favourite woolly jumper! Come on!

How many women here are going to faint just hearing him say,

"My favourite woolly jumper?"

All right, how many men are going to faint?

-No!

-My favourite woolly jumper and my lippy. What the hell, lippy?!

-Lippy. What does that mean in America?

-I don't know!

Oh, dear!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we must also wish Matt Damon all the best for Sunday.

-Bafta, you're nominated.

-Oh, yes. Thank you.

So good, it's for Behind The Candelabra, the Liberace film.

Which got a cinema release here which is why you're nominated.

-It's so, so good, that film.

-Thank you.

-It's just brilliant.

I think the key to my performance was I borrowed Hugh's lippy.

It gets around.

But the... Because that movie is so out there.

Did you and Michael Douglas say yes thinking, "It'll never get made?

-"We'll never really have to do this."

-No, no. We...

Actually, we felt a big, uh...

..uh, sense of responsibility.

Keep talking! Don't pause there!

There was that night when you were going over the script

in your woolly jumper.

It's my favourite woolly jumper!

What am I meant to say, sweater?

I actually asked to wear a woolly jumper in every scene!

"Is this the scene where I take off my woolly jumper?"

"So, in this scene in the hot tub, am I going to be in my woolly jumper?"

Have many guests walked off this show?

-You already did, to go to the bathroom!

-Yeah.

They're going to keep that in, you know.

-Well, listen, good luck on Sunday.

-Mark Wahlberg, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you! Yeah!

Hey, um... Matt, Bill, Hugh, lovely to talk to, thank you so much

for being here tonight. Good luck with The Monuments Men.

I loved it, and it opens tonight.

We've just got another taste,

and this is all of you getting into training.

We have your architect from Chicago, Sergeant Richard Campbell.

And we have a Frenchman, Lieutenant Jean Claude Clermont.

Director of Design at the Chalet School of Fine Arts before the war.

Is Preston here?

Private Preston Savitz.

-Private? That's not going to sit very well with him.

-It doesn't.

And finally, we have your sculptor, Sergeant Walter Garfield.

He's a good egg -

I worked with him on the World War I memorial in St Louis.

A-ha. St Louis.

Hey, Stokes!

How are you, old boy?

Hey, Walter - how they treating you?

They're taking it pretty easy on us.

I think they feel sorry for us old guys.

I don't much fancy an obstacle course.

It's not so bad.

By the end, you're just crawling on your belly

while teenagers shoot blanks over your head.

-Well, yes and no.

-How's that?

Yes, they are teenagers.

And no?

They're not blanks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right! It's time for music.

This lady is not just one of my favourite pop stars,

she's also one of my favourite people.

Singing her new single, Can't Rely On You,

please welcome the unique Paloma Faith, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey!

Whoo!

Come on, get it!

Let me tell you a little something

about how my man ain't behaving myself recently.

Whoo!

# Help me

# How are you gon' do love this way?

# I work so hard for you every day

# While you're out

# Late night, doing what you do

# Chillin' with who?

# While I'm sitting at home

# Come on, get it... #

I don't know what this world is coming to!

Whoa!

# I just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Yeah, you got that good stuff

# But that don't last

# So I just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Oh, Lord

# How am I ever to explain

# How my melting pot went right down the drain?

-# Cos if you don't want me

-Release

-# Beep, beep

-Beep, beep

-# Want some?

-Want some?

# Take me

# He will take me right out your way... #

Come on with it!

I don't know what this world is coming to!

Whoa!

# I just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Yeah, you got that good stuff but that don't last

# Don't last

# So I just can't rely on you

# I just can't rely on you

-# I want to go

-I've heard that before

-# Really?

-Really

# You can say what you want

# But I'm out that door

# Can't stop me

# Whoo-ooh-ee

# Oh, my man

# Oh, Lord... #

I don't know what this world is coming to!

Whoa!

# I just can't rely on you

# I just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Yeah, you got that good stuff but that don't last

# No way

# So I just can't rely on you

# I just can't rely on you

# Mm-mm

# Just telling it like it is

# Wait a minute

# Wait a minute

# Change your ways

# Don't I deserve it, babe?

# Look here

# Boy, you drive me out of my mind

# Whoo, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-eah

# Whoa-oh

# I just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Just can't rely on you

# Yeah, you got that good stuff but that don't last

# No way

# Ain't good enough for me, baby

# Just can't rely on you

# Whoo-ooh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Wow!

-Thank you.

-It's a hit!

Paloma Faith! Wow!

Come on over, do.

-Beautiful. That's a bit, a hit.

-Thank you.

Hello. Mwah! Gorgeous. Come and sit down, do.

Look, it's Hugh Bon.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Mr Bill Murray.

An honour.

Mr Matt Damon.

Congratulations.

-Very good.

-Gorgeous, you've done a great job.

-Sit down.

-Oh, thank you.

LAUGHTER

If you don't mind...

-One, two, three...

-Is this...? Ah!

Oh! No! Bill Murray! Stop that!

Stop that! Stop that!

Guys...

I'm known for the grace, I really am.

Well, you appeared to be done on the one side and we thought we'd...

LAUGHTER

I can only apologise, Paloma Faith.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, this is lovely, isn't it? Come over!

-Hi.

-So, listen...

Are you eating her shoe?!

That's one hell of a shoe.

Give it to her with the lippy.

MATT: I just love that Lord Grantham's a freak!

LAUGHTER

Shoe fiend!

Paloma Faith, before you get eaten...

LAUGHTER

-..that single is out February 23rd?

-It is. Thank you.

New album is on the...?

It's March the 10th and it's called A Perfect Contradiction,

which I think these three gentlemen definitely fit into.

And it's kind of up-tempo-y stuff? It's dancey stuff?

It's kind of upbeat.

It's disco and fun and it's like,

if it's all gone to shit, then let's just have a dance.

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

-Can you say "gone to shit" over here?

-Yes.

-Apparently, we can.

Well, then let's dance.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And here's an odd thing -

you haven't met the guys on the couch before, have you?

-No.

-But you've got to know them very quickly, I would say.

But you have met George Clooney?

I have met George Clooney.

I was at... I opened the BAFTAs last year, actually. It's great.

All right. Good.

And, um, he said that he'd noticed that I kept going to the toilet.

I was like, "Why haven't you been to the toilet?"

Like, all night, he hadn't been to the toilet

and he told me he had a colostomy bag.

LAUGHTER

I was just wondering whether, on set, he went to the toilet much.

Or if you'd noticed...

-He must have really trusted you.

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

You normally have to know him for like, a decade

before he lets you in on that.

Yeah, well...

Listen, we're going to go to the red chair before we go,

to see who's there. Er, who's up? Who's up?

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi.

For once, you're quite glad you're at a distance, aren't you?

-So what's your name?

-Rebecca.

This is Rebecca. Where are you from, Rebecca?

-New Zealand.

-Oh, you surprise me.

-Time out - can I just you a really quick question?

-Yeah.

So this is a situation where we're allowed to...?

-If one of us pulls this lever, she flips?

-Yeah.

-OK.

PALOMA: As you just did...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-This is literally like the Milgram experiment.

-Yeah.

-Fantastic.

-OK, that was her. I hope her story wasn't very good.

-I'm imagining it wasn't.

-LAUGHTER

Wow. So if you don't like her story, you pull this lever...

That was really real? That was REALLY real?

I always thought it was rehearsed.

You know, or cut in in some way. That was real - you did that.

-That just happened.

-And she went... That's incredible.

I didn't do it, he did it. I didn't do it.

LAUGHTER

Did you grow up in a forest or something?

LAUGHTER

That's vodka. That's vodka!

Down in one. Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, it is.

Thank you.

-I just needed to catch up.

-Is there another one?

Let's see what you got, Scottie. Let's see what you got.

Come on, you're such a rock'n'roll star.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-One more.

-What a waste.

-Ladies and gentlemen, her rehab is taking.

Quickly, let's try someone else in the red chair.

-Let's see if we can get a story. Hello, nice lady.

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-Jessica.

Jessica. Can you hear Jessica?

-Pardon?

-No, I'm not talking...

LAUGHTER

-She's so sweet. And she's French.

-She's adorable.

Er, I don't think she's French.

She said... Didn't she say, like... FRENCH ACCENT: "Pardon?"

She said, "Pardon?" She's posh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love the chair! Put me in it!

Do you want a go? Do you want a go?

OK, can Hugh have a go in the chair?

-OK. Go, Hugh, go.

-And do that again.

-OK.

-Where's the chair?

It's... Follow that man there. Follow him.

OK. But... But hurry! We've got homes to go to.

By the way, this is the best time I've ever had on a talk show.

-Aw, bless you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Without a doubt.

-Thank you very much.

-That's true.

Come and see us again. All right.

They've laced the champagne with crack.

Yeah, I think it's the champagne, not the host.

LAUGHTER

OK. Who's up next?

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi, I'm Hugh. I'm from West Sussex.

-Hi, Hugh!

-Hi.

I'd just like to say that I think Matt Damon is really amazing

in the fourth Bourne movie...

Wahey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, everyone! If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in the red chair, you can. Just go to the website.

Thank you to all my guests tonight -

Paloma Faith!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's running back - Hugh Bonneville, everybody!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hugh Bonneville.

Bill Murray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Matt Damon, everyone!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Join me next week, when my guests will include

British actor Dominic Cooper and singing star Lily Allen.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody. Bye-bye!

-Quick, go! Go!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PALOMA: I'm honoured, I really am.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE