Episode 17 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, one hot young actor, one pop princess,

one grande dame of British theatre

and one slightly drunk Irishman to ask them questions.

What? Oh, that's me. Let's start the show!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Thank you so much!

Oh!

All the clapping, applause!

Beautiful! Thank you, good evening.

Oh, there must be 800 people here. That's amazing!

That is fabulous. Hey, welcome all.

We've got the best of British on the show this week.

One of the hottest actors around, Dominic Cooper's on the show!

CHEERING

Yes!

One of my favourite guests of all time.

You're so lucky to be here on a night she's here.

Miriam Margolyes is on the show!

CHEERING

Yes!

And one of our brightest singing stars, Lily Allen is here!

CHEERING

Yes, she is!

Oh! Isn't that great?

It's so lovely that Lily's back,

Lily's back singing after taking time out to have babies.

Talking of which, hey,

let's say a huge congratulations to Simon Cowell, who's become a dad.

Isn't that nice? It's a good thing. It is.

This is Simon after the birth.

LAUGHTER

And this is the baby when he realised just how rich his dad is.

CASH REGISTER RINGS

LAUGHTER

"Mmm, those are some nice nappies!

"It don't smell!"

Lily had a big hit at Christmas

with the song on the John Lewis advert,

Somewhere Only We Know.

It was adorable, really.

About a hare who bought a bear an alarm clock,

so he wouldn't miss Christmas.

And, in real life, bears do love hares. Yeah. Um...

LAUGHTER

"Thanks for waking me up, you're delicious!"

"Merry Christmas!"

No, I'm joking, I'm joking. The bear was very grateful.

And bears do have a special way of showing their gratitude. Mm-hm.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I could look at that all day.

Let's get some guests on!

She's magnificent, she's marvellous,

she's Miriam Margolyes!

CHEERING

Hello, you gorgeous creature! How lovely to see you!

Oh, come in and sit down. Do.

Miriam Margolyes, everybody!

Thank you.

Mamma Mia, it's Dominic Cooper!

CHEERING

-Hello.

-How are you?

-I'm very well.

Sit down, sit down.

And, get ready to smile, it's Lily Allen!

CHEERING

Oh, beautiful!

Gorgeous! Hello, darling, how are you? Mwah, mwah!

Sit yourself down.

Welcome all, welcome all. Are you all right there?

-Yeah, should I have gone that way?

-No, no, you're fine. It's nice.

-It's intime.

-We're correctly spread out.

-Yes.

-So to speak.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

All right? Everyone comfortable? Good.

Now, Miriam has a thing.

She doesn't like to know who she's coming on with, cos last time,

you liked Will.i.am, but you didn't know who Will.i.am was, did you?

I actually didn't.

And he's charming. He's the most delightful gentleman, really.

But unknown to me. That was the thing.

So, how are you doing tonight?

-Well...

-Has no idea.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever worked with Dominic?

-We haven't, darling, have we?

-No, we haven't, actually.

-But I hope we will.

-Yes.

-I think I've seen you in The History Boys.

-Yes.

-I think I saw that.

-Good.

I can't remember you, but I thought you were...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-..very memorable.

-No, did you see Mamma Mia?

He was very good in Mamma Mia. Did you see that?

That was a dreadful film!

LAUGHTER

Did you think that was a good film?

I can't possibly say.

Yes!

It was fun, Miriam!

It was the film of Mamma Mia!

-It was a very popular film with people.

-Yes!

That's all we can hope for, Miriam, really.

We dream of making things that are popular with people.

LAUGHTER

Wasn't that the one where the family came to see you making it, Dominic?

-It was the first time your family came to see you?

-Yeah.

That was the first time they saw me do any filming work

and the particular point that they came in to... Yes.

-That monstrosity, I was wearing.

-Is that you?

That is. Do you not remember that bit?

You'd stopped watching it by then, that happens at the end.

They came and saw me, then saw that that's where I was heading in life.

And I'm not sure what they exactly thought of it.

But I think Pierce, when we were wearing those things,

felt slightly more uncomfortable, because we were

in the same building that James Bond was filming, so was Daniel Craig...

-Oh!

-Just on the year they'd sort of changed over.

So, as we were walking across the parking lot wearing those,

Daniel Craig was pulling up in an Aston Martin,

looking particularly cool.

So I didn't feel quite as bad.

And Lily Allen, pop star.

I mean, you will know Lily's songs.

I promise you you will.

Darling, I'm 72.

-I don't know about songs and singing.

-That's fine.

But I know you're highly admired. I do know that.

See, yes.

Unlike Dominic, I guess.

LAUGHTER

Dominic, nothing. You're in a horrible film,

I don't remember the other one, but Lily, everyone loves you.

You'll have heard Lily's song at Christmas on the ads.

It was on the John Lewis ad.

You saw that ad, didn't you?

I was in Amsterdam at Christmas.

Christmas starts in October.

Miriam, you played...

I was going to say a monkey, you played a rabbit in...

-the Caramel ad.

-The Cadbury's bunny, yes.

-Yes.

-A long time ago.

-Were you the voice?

-Yes.

-That youthful, smooth, caramel-like voice...

-That's it. That's it.

-Lovely.

-That was Miriam.

-That was me.

Was it, "Take it easy, Mr...?"

-Take it easy, Mr Rabbit. Something like that.

-Ohhh!

In a really creepy poll,

that rabbit came third sexiest animated character of all time.

-LAUGHTER

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

-I mean, who decided... "We should find out which animated character people find sexiest."

-Who's number one?

-I want to know who beat me.

-Betty... Is it Betty Boo?

-Betty Boop?

-Yeah, Jessica Rabbit...

-I bet Jessica Rabbit was second

-and you were third.

-Not bad though.

-It's not bad. Not bad.

Talking of ads, Dominic's first ever paid work was an advertisement.

I was quite proud of being chased down the road by lots of sperm

-which is what the advert was.

-I remember that advert.

-What were you advertising?

-I wasn't sure.

But I knew I was getting paid to do some work which was incredible.

-It was for condoms.

-It was condoms. I remember.

-But why were the sperm chasing you?

-I couldn't work that bit out.

I was meeting a girlfriend and then I'd seen the reflection

of all these huge, great Czechoslovakian sperm

heading down the street...

wafting their sperm heads and then...

But then they all landed in...

I didn't quite understand what happened.

As I met her, they all knocked me over and landed on top of her,

but ended up in the end of a condom.

LAUGHTER

Well, if you weren't using protection before...

I'm not sure it worked, the commercial.

-I don't think it was a success.

-Did you give your opinion?

What do you mean, it didn't work? People stopped buying condoms?

Nothing's going to stop those sperm!

When you're in an ad, do you voice an opinion on the ad or...?

-Yes.

-Oh, you do?

-Always.

-Do they welcome that opinion?

-No.

No, but I mean... I know better than they do,

that is the truth, and I'm experienced

and I need to help them sometimes.

The grammar is often bad.

-She really doesn't want to listen to my songs.

-Yes, I do. I do.

We'll get notes. We'll get notes later.

Because, Miriam, you were the voice of a period, weren't you?

-A menstrual period, yes.

-A menstrual period.

Sorry. My mistake.

As an actress, how did you find that voice?

Well...

-You always go to the text first...

-Yes.

..and the text was, "You didn't expect to find me on your holidays."

So I thought, well...

..that's got to be a naughty schoolgirl, so I went...

SHE GIGGLES

-IN A HIGHPITCHED VOICE:

-You didn't expect to find me on your holidays, did you?

Beautiful. What were you selling?

-Sanitary towels or something?

-It was...

It was for sanitary protection, yes.

-Lovely.

-Yes, for sanitary protection.

Sales went up, I imagine. Yes.

I have actually got a menstrual story for you, if you like.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Off you go, Miriam Margolyes.

Did I tell you last time about when I did an audition for Crossroads?

-No, I don't think so.

-Right. Well...

for those of you who may remember, Crossroads was...

-I know it.

-I remember Crossroads.

..a soap opera which took place in Birmingham

and I went for the audition and...

I'm pouring this all over myself. It's rather exciting.

As I was waiting for my turn to do the audition,

my periods started and I thought...

Periods!

Don't you call it that?

MIMICS MIRIAM: Period.

-Don't you call it that?

-No, I just say, "I'm on the rag."

LAUGHTER

-This is terrible.

-On the rag?!

-I feel very in-between this.

How are you doing, Dominic?

-All good, there? Yeah? OK.

-Really comfortable.

-OK.

-You don't want to talk about periods?

-No, I do.

-I don't mind periods.

-It's all right. It's all right.

So, meanwhile, back in Birmingham, Miriam's just had her period.

I went... I went to the ladies' room and in those days, there was

a long box on the wall, Dr Southall Sanitary Towels.

And you put in two pennies and pulled the little drawer

and got out the carton. Am I right? You remember all this, some of you?

People applauding. "Oh, yes!"

So, I put in my 2p, pulled out the little drawer

and it snapped back with my finger in it,

so it was really painful.

It tore a great gash in my finger which was so sore.

Bleeding all over the place.

I managed to pull open the drawer and extract my finger.

I rushed into the loo and fixed myself up,

came out again and went in and started to read for the audition.

And I noticed that the script was covered in blood

and the people I was auditioning for noticed it too

and they looked, I saw them looking and I said,

"Oh, I'm so sorry.

"You see, my period started..."

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

-Did you get the job?

-I did, actually.

-You got the job?! Yay!

Right. Now, Lily Allen, very exciting,

-you are singing for us later.

-Yes. Sadly, for you.

-No!

-I love that song. It's getting loads of radio play.

-I know.

Just been put on the A list, whatever that means.

-It means it's being played a lot and it's called Air Balloon.

-Yes.

It's very good. Now, we're thrilled you're back,

all the new stuff you've brought out has done really well.

But I'm not wrong, you did say...

You did say goodbye.

-You said, "No more."

-Yeah.

-Changed your mind.

-Yep.

-Fair enough.

Well, actually, I didn't really. I had two babies,

I was very busy with them and...

I had two babies. Two babies.

Ethel and Marnie. Hi. Love you guys.

I really hope they're NOT watching this.

-They're always in bed by seven.

-That's all right then. Fine.

-What time is it now?

-Late. It's about half ten.

-Of course.

Anyway... So, yeah...

LAUGHTER

But anyway, long story short, or short story really long...

erm, I decided that I wanted to go back to work,

but realised I had no qualifications

-for anything except for...

-Singing.

-..being a pop star.

-Obvious choice.

-And you're working...

What is the story with the album?

There's been a lot of talk of this album, but no sign of it as yet.

-Is it finished?

-It is finished.

-So, is there a release date?

End of spring. This year.

-Is that the end of March or the end of April?

-I don't know.

I said, "Can I say a date?" The record company said, "No. End of spring is your line."

-OK. End of spring.

-End of spring.

-Does it have a title yet?

-It does.

-Oh! Then you can tell us.

OK.

LAUGHTER

She doesn't seem that confident with her title choice.

-It's a confident title choice.

-What have you called it?

Sheezus.

Sheezus, as in...

She... She... Oh, wait. Is it like Yeezus?

I mean, obviously it's like Jesus, but is it the Kanye thing as well?

-It's a little nod to Kanye.

-To whom?

-Kanye West.

-You've yet to meet him.

Another week.

-I obviously don't know who that is.

-You will meet him.

-Yeah, stick with us.

-Yeah, so Sheezus.

-Sheezus, it's a good title.

-Subtle.

-Yeah, it's good. Sheezus. Now we know.

Feel free to social media that.

No! I completely forgot about that element of things.

-No, it will be on telly tomorrow.

-No, it's fine.

Those are cameras. I know it is all dark and everything, but yeah.

We are filming this.

Now, the video for Air Balloon, you did some extraordinary things.

We've seen you on the zebra. This next picture.

-Is that a stuffed cheetah?

-It's a real cheetah.

Isn't that incredibly dangerous?

I have this weird thing.

Obviously I get pitched stuff all the time where work is concerned

and I've got this inability to look past the next hour and a half.

So I get a treatment of a video and

I'm like, "Yeah, cool, cheetahs, zebras. That sounds exotic and fun."

I find myself on the side of a hill with someone rubbing steak on my face

so that the cheetah would lick me.

It's like, "Actually, what am I doing here?"

That sounds like madness!

Yeah. It was a two-day shoot and that was on the second day.

On the first day, someone came up to me and said,

"Oh, Lily, by the way, don't eat any steak tonight,

"just in case you burp and the cheetah smells it."

LAUGHTER

But you're allowed to be covered in steak?

No, they just wiped it on me so that he smelt it and licked my face.

And then take a chunk?

If I'd eaten steak the night before and I'd burped next to him,

then he would have gone, "RAAR!" and eaten me or something.

Yeah, I'm not a zoologist or anything,

but I think there's some weak thinking there.

LAUGHTER

-On my part or their part?

-No, on their part.

They could've lost you. That was a crazy thing to do.

Working with animals is very difficult.

We have some very good examples of dogs spoiling photographs.

We found them on theladbible.com.

So this is some children playing on the beach. Lovely.

We'll want to remember that forever.

We'll take a picture of our children. There it is.

LAUGHTER

This next one, I love this for the expression on the dog's face.

So you've got the whole family. Look at the baby, everything.

Now look at the dog.

LAUGHTER

I love his face.

"Am I in this?

"Am I in shot here?

"Sorry, sorry."

Animals always look so much more vulnerable than humans

when they are crapping, don't you think?

Oh, darling, we all look vulnerable when we're crapping!

LAUGHTER

-We can lock the door.

-Terrified.

-They look so scared, don't they?

-I think it's a vulnerable moment.

-It is.

Here's some young people having fun, jumping in the air. There they are.

LAUGHTER

They always look like they're forcing it out.

Yeah, it's like, "I don't want to!"

But the next picture, the number

of things that needed to all happen at the same time are incredible.

A dragonfly lands on a man's finger.

It can't have been there for long.

So he was able to have it on his finger, get his camera out

and take a picture of all of this.

There's the dragonfly.

LAUGHTER

That one is comfortable. He's having a nice time.

He doesn't know he's being watched!

My favourite ones are people trying to be romantic.

There's a couple reclining on the grass. It's really, really lovely.

LAUGHTER

I love how old that dog looks.

"You're young. You've got your whole lives."

Well done, all the pooing dogs! Very good.

APPLAUSE

Dominic Cooper, flying high at the moment on Sky in Fleming,

-playing the James Bond creator, Ian Fleming.

-Yes.

-Now, it's a four-parter.

-Yes.

It's a biopic, but not really?

It kind of is.

We've used two biographies, which are very specific about his life

and who he was, and we have made it into more of a fantasy,

or perhaps how he would have liked people to have perceived his life.

He was quite a complex, dark character.

In this, I suppose we've made him out to be the character he created,

more of the James Bond character.

He was desperate to be a spy.

There is one section in the next episode

where he goes through the tests to see whether

he could be in the secret services and fails

because he's not capable of perhaps...

I'm about to give it all away!

I think we might see that in the clip in a minute.

When you speak to people who knew of his family and know about him,

they mention to you through gritted teeth that he was the real deal

and he was apparently involved in that world

but we have absolutely lied our way through it.

What's nice is, for Bond fans, if they come to see the show,

there are lots of Bond references, Bond origin bits.

Yes, that was always a difficult conversation,

about how far we could go with those.

In the first episode, asking for the Martini,

which was made very specifically,

and everyone knows that to be James Bond's drink.

But it's done in a way, hopefully,

that's tongue-in-cheek enough for it to be not cringeworthy, I hope.

Fleming continues on Wednesday at 9.00pm on Sky Atlantic HD

and we have an exclusive clip from next week's episode.

I'm thinking, now that you've said what you said,

that this is part of your test?

Yes, it's the K Protocol Test,

where he sees whether he can make it into...

After being behind his desk working for the Admiralty,

they put him on this.

They see if he is capable of doing this certain thing that

-he's about to try and do.

-Maybe it isn't the test?

-Maybe it's not.

-I don't know what it is!

-Let's watch it and talk about it afterwards.

Hey, here it is.

APPLAUSE

-You live.

-Always good when there is no speaking.

-That was exciting.

No, he lives, he lives. Yeah, he lives. He lives through that.

Terrifying, filming that, because that man, I think I get beaten by

him in a moment and the stuntmen were not so trained in stunting.

-Where's there?

-Where were we? Budapest.

He absolutely beat me up quite badly after that.

-Not to sound pathetic.

-Ow!

LAUGHTER

-So that is the test he goes under.

-And fails.

That is a spoiler, so let's not say that again. He MIGHT fail.

LAUGHTER

And talking of Bond, have you ever...

You would make a very good Bond villain, I think, Miriam.

It's a good idea, isn't it?

I'd have loved to have been Rosa Klebb, was one of the Bond villains,

played by Bertolt Brecht's wife in the film.

Yeah, I'd have loved to have been.

There's something magic about James Bond.

-But you were in Harry Potter, weren't you?

-I was.

-That's magic.

-That's actually magic.

-That was terrific.

And she's also worked with the biggest action star of them all,

Sylvester Stallone, not Sylvester Stallone...

Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Yes, I worked with Arnold Schwarzenegger,

which was a horrible experience.

LAUGHTER

Why so horrible, Miriam?

Well, the real reason is because,

A, because he did not fancy me, he didn't think I mattered

and I really resent that attitude.

And, secondly, because he farted in my face.

LAUGHTER

That was when I was lying on the ground, in the part.

I was playing my role.

I was Satan's sister, and I had to be killed lying on the floor

-with a glass table slicing my throat.

-Yes.

So I was doing all that, and it's difficult.

-You can't get out of the way when you're stuck like that.

-No.

He thought it was hysterical.

LAUGHTER

He did it on purpose?

-He just squatted in your face and farted?

-Absolutely on purpose!

LAUGHTER

Ooh, and he eats nothing but protein.

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

True. It was very unpleasant.

Let's draw a veil. I'll ask him about it next time he's on the show.

Was it this year or last year,

you had a really lovely honour from your school. Was it Oxford?

-Oxford High School.

-Did you go there?

-I went there from 1945 to 1959.

-Wow.

It's the best school in the world.

That is why I talk as I talk, clearly.

LAUGHTER

LILY MIMICS MIRIAM: Clearly!

I hardly ever use the word "like".

And they named a theatre space after me, which was a real thrill.

They actually wanted Maggie Smith,

because she was at the school as well, Dame Maggie.

And they asked me to ask Dame Maggie

if she would like to give her name

to this space in the school,

and I asked her on their behalf, would you, and she said,

-MIMICS MAGGIE SMITH:

-"No, I don't want to do that!

"I didn't like school at all. Why don't you do it?

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? You do that."

LAUGHTER

So they asked me and I said yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very nice.

And it is extraordinary that you've become so established.

You do lots of work for charities, I know.

When you get to my age, you sort of do that sort of thing.

Not everybody can do it, but I don't work all the time,

so in the spare moments I have, I do things for breast cancer

and kidney transplants and Stroke Association

and all those different things.

I love doing stuff for charity. I get a kick out of it.

Some of you may have seen me on Loose Women recently,

-talking about breast cancer.

-That's not a charity.

Well, it was, it was.

Don't interrupt, darling!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ooh, it's like Question Time!

But here's the thing, Miriam,

you are very embraced by the establishment

but you've always been quite a wild child, I would say.

-A little bit, yes. Naughty. I was naughty.

-Yes.

You brought our attention to this photograph. What is going on?

This was the 1970s. Is this one of your first jobs?

Girls Of Slender Means.

I'm in the front. Behind me is Mary Tamm, Patricia Hodge

and Jane Cussons, who I think is here tonight.

-Where's Jane Cussons?

-There she is.

-There's Jane Cussons! Wow!

APPLAUSE

Are you all in the nip?

Yes, what happened was,

we had to have a scene in which everybody stripped naked,

and we were a little bit shy about it.

They closed the studio, of course,

and we insisted that the cameramen took off their clothes as well.

LAUGHTER

And we had a photograph of ourselves covered up, because it was

just coming up to Valentine's Day,

and then they did one as well for us.

And we've got that picture as well. This is unbelievable they did this.

This is the crew.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic.

My favourite one, if you pay attention, look how cocky John is.

LAUGHTER

I think that's John Henshall,

who is responsible for getting us all together again.

I should mention our director, Moira Armstrong.

It was just the most wonderful experience.

1976 and we are still all great friends.

-We love each other, don't we, Jane?

-Yes.

-It is such a wonderful...

APPLAUSE

Lovely to see you, Jane.

Jane looks better now.

-They were all very beautiful girls.

-Thank you, Graham.

-Yes, you do.

Fabulous, yes.

She's actually single, so if anybody's interested...

LAUGHTER

Actually, here's the odd thing because Dominic,

you've exposed yourself as well.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-Yes.

-We don't have a picture, sadly. Calm down, everyone.

Actually, if we could find the women involved in the story,

how brilliant, but we haven't, but go.

Was this me working in that rather grubby cafe,

-being a greasy teenager?

-Yeah.

Wearing my very tight black jeans

and entering the bakery early in the morning from a late night out.

Having just learned how to make cappuccinos...

-Cappuccinos had just arrived in England.

-Yeah.

So I used to make them terribly big and frothy,

not how you are meant to make them. They were repulsive and undrinkable.

And I remember two lovely ladies coming into the cafe.

I had just learned how to hold two cappuccinos in one hand which

I was very impressed by.

I had some revolting, greasy croque something. What's it called?

Monsieur.

I had these terrible old jeans

with a big hole in them.

I was placing them down shaking feeling rather sweaty and anxious.

My thing just fell out and just dangled and rested on the edge.

I wasn't aware of it at the time.

LAUGHTER

Awful, awful look. THAT look!

LAUGHTER

The two of them doing that exact expression!

APPLAUSE

And it was just neatly resting on the end and I pulled it in.

It was a horrible moment.

You mean your cock fell out of your trousers?

Actually fell out?

It did. It fell out and dangled and rested on the edge.

There was nothing I could do cos I was holding the cappuccinos.

Did anyone mention it?

Well, they were repulsed by it.

It was meant to be a...

It was a patisserie of high class sophistication.

-Did you at least go, "Excuse I."?

-I don't know what I...

I just backed off. We were all so repulsed.

Enjoy! And then I went off.

LAUGHTER

Awful. It was really pathetic and not very good either.

It didn't look good.

But it fell out?!

I can't... I don't... I mean...

-I know. I don't know...

-How is it not...?

-Kept in?

-Yeah.

-Well, you mentioned it earlier.

That was because I saw it.

LAUGHTER

-I didn't see it out on the table, sure.

-You didn't, you didn't.

But I don't... I think... We wore...

What happened earlier?

She gave me some very good advice.

And mentioned my penis.

He's beautifully...

No!

LAUGHTER

Hung.

It wasn't like that.

I loved it, I loved it. I loved it.

-She loved it.

-I wasn't repelled.

The word is...

-The word is repelled, not repulsed.

-No.

-No.

I left you alone in make up for ten minutes.

I was very impressed you'd noticed it all together.

The funny thing is, when you're gay - as I am - and you never see

a cock from, you know, Martinmas to Christmas, erm...

You're very aware of them. You're very aware.

They're hanging all around all the time.

And I'm very short and...

LAUGHTER

-I was standing, yes, I was standing up.

-You were standing up.

-I was standing.

-So there you go.

-I was standing.

Oh, dear.

My dear, shall we have some music? Shall we hear a track off the new album

-that we've talked about so much?

-Yeah.

-OK, so...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

They'll wire you for sound and all sorts. Very good.

Erm, right.

In a moment we'll have some stories from the famous red chair

but now, performing Air Balloon, it is Miss Lily Allen!

# Somebody remind me where I am Miami or Timbuktu?

# Did I ever tell you my uncle's monkey ran away from the zoo?

# Would you tell me what this all means?

# What happens if I go through that door?

# Cos I'm looking up at the ceiling, but it's turning into the floor

# Ooh

# When I'm bored, I kinda drift away

# I'm not sure, quite, why we work all day

# I've been thinking and I've got this plan

# Let's go right now

# Come meet me in the sky I'll be waiting for you

# And we can't hear what they say

# Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon

-#

-Ha!

-Sing, sing along, along any song you want to

# Now we're so high, it can't rain

# Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon

-#

-Ha!

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

# I don't like dropping names but Kurt Cobain is all in my face

# How the hell am I gonna tell him Elvis already took first base?

# In and out of the blue this cruise is losing altitude, all we need

# Is a little more elevation, take me back to where I can breathe.

# Ooh

# When I'm bored, I kinda drift away

# I'm not sure, quite, why we work all day

# I've been thinking and I've got this plan

# Let's go right now

# Come meet me in the sky I'll be waiting for you

# And we can't hear what they say

# Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon

-# Ha!

-Sing, sing along, along any song you want to

# Now we're so high, it can't rain

# Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon

-#

-Ha!

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

# Shake it, sh-shake it, shake it now

# Gimme, gi-gimme, gimme some

# Sailing, sa-sailing through the clouds

# Trippin' trip trip trip trippin' out

# Shake it, sh-shake it, shake it now

# Gimme, gi-gimme, gimme some

# Sailing, sa-sailing through the clouds

# Trippin' trip trip trip trippin' out

# Na na na-na-na na

# Come meet me in the sky I'll be waiting for you

# And we can't hear what they say

-# Up in my air balloon,

-air balloon, air balloon

-#

-Ha!

-Sing, sing along, along any song you want to

# Now we're so high, it can't rain

# Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon

-#

-Ha!

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

-#

-Air balloon,

-air balloon, air balloon

-#

-Ha!

# Na na na-na-na na na

# Na na na-na-na, Mmmm

-#

-Air balloon,

-air balloon, air balloon

-#

-Ha!

-#

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lily Allen, everybody!

Come on back, come on back, Lily. Beautiful job.

-Those shoes are amazing.

-Thank you.

-They are. Lilly!

Up, up, up. And around and around.

Back to your phone, back to your phone, there we go.

We're running, we're running, we're running. Oh, very good.

-And that is out on the second of March, I believe.

-Don't ask me.

OK, well, I'm telling you it's the second of March.

-And the album will be out in the spring.

-Late spring.

Late spring to be precise. Erm, right.

It's time for a story or two in the red chair. Who's there?

-Hi.

-Hello, hi.

-Hi.

-What's your name?

-Orla.

-Orla, lovely.

Are you from the old country? Yeah, I'm from Ireland.

Oh, she's from Ireland.

-Whereabouts?

-Northern Ireland, near Belfast.

-Oh, right, very good.

-And what do you do, Orla?

-I'm a nurse.

-Oh, right, any particular sort of nurse?

-Cardiac nursing, so...

-Oh.

-..hearts.

-Oh, right.

Have you got a pager on you at the moment or anything?

-No, I'm good to go, yeah.

-Screw them.

LAUGHTER

I'm having a good time, yeah.

I don't care.

"Where's nurse Orla?" "I've no idea. Oh, look, the television's on."

Oh, no!

Oh, Lily Allen!

Lily, she's a nurse, she's in the caring profession!

I know, she needs to get back.

LAUGHTER

People with bad, dodgy hearts, they needed help.

Oh, poor Orla.

OK, who's up next, who's up next?

-Hello.

-Hello.

-That was a really bitchy thing to do.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It was, it felt like a bitchy thing.

-It was terrible. She feels bad, she feels bad.

I thought it was positioned here and it was my... I was meant to do that.

-Yeah, well you can, it's available for it.

-OK.

-But hang on.

-There's a time and a place.

-Yeah, a time and a place, yeah.

OK. Sorry. I didn't mean it, I got the wrong end of the stick.

Shall we get Orla...? No, we've got this one now, let's do this one.

I say this one, how rude?

Let's finish this one off and then we might get Orla back for her story.

-What's your name?

-It's Elizabeth Friendship.

-Elizabeth Friendship?

-Yes.

-OK, and where are you from Elizabeth Friendship?

-South East London.

-Oh, right, very good and what do you do, Elizabeth Friendship?

I send out toners for printers.

LAUGHTER

I wondered who did that.

And it's Elizabeth Friendship and toners are very expensive. Leave it!

-Leave. I can see Lily's eyes, they're just like...

-It's not me.

OK, so Elizabeth Friendship, you send the toners

for printers from South London.

I think I know everything about you. Off you go with your story.

OK, so I was a learner driver and I asked my friend if I could drive her car

and she said only if you drive it in your underwear. And I said, OK.

So I drove the car round and...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah.

-That was every shade of stupid.

-Let's get Orla back.

-Let's get Orla back.

-Orla's having a reprieve.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm sorry, Orla!

Look how quick Orla... "Yeah, I'm back. I'm back.

"Stupid driving your car in your underwear.

"Wait till you hear my story.

"I save lives!"

OK, Orla, before anything happens, off you go with your story.

OK, I was on holiday once

and in the middle of the night I just disappeared.

So my friends went looking for me

and somebody said, "Oh, there's a girl sleepwalking." And they found me

having - running a bath in someone's room with no clothes on.

LAUGHTER

Whose room?

I don't know, I just walked in to someone's room and started running a bath

and I didn't have any clothes on and I was asleep.

Can I just say, Lily, you have great instincts.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's like you're psychic.

You are... You are a working mum of two, you're just like,

"I have no time to waste, come on.

"This story is going to be awful, Orla out."

That was really bad. Let's try one more, let's try one more. OK, this is the one.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-I'm Marion Shay.

-Hello, Marian.

-OK, and where are you from, Marion?

-I'm from Southend-on-Sea in Essex.

Lovely. Nothing.

-OK, what do you do there, Marion?

-Erm, I'm a senior neonatal sister.

-Wow.

-That's the best, they are the best.

-All right.

-Brilliant people.

-Wait till you have a heart attack.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, Marian, you're doing very well so far.

Off you go with your story.

OK, when I got promoted to a sister, basically

I had to chair a meeting at work

and basically I wanted to impress the consultant who was there.

So I took the names down of everyone present and asked one lady her

name and she said Tracey Withernee, went to the next person, etc, etc.

When the consultant came in, I started chairing the meeting,

was trying to act as professional as possible introducing every one and

said this is Tracey Withernee, went to the next person, introduced them.

Went round in turn and when I said Tracey Withernee, the lady that was taking the minutes for the meeting,

she was laughing, her shoulders were going up and down. I thought, "Oh, don't put me off."

Just ignore her, didn't know why she was laughing.

Got through the meeting and after said why were you laughing,

I though it went really well?

And she said no, her name wasn't Tracey Withernee, her name was

Tracey and she was trying to explain it was Tracey with an E.

Not that her surname was Withernee. So that was it.

-So...

-Borderline.

-I like that, I think it's great.

-The rest of the couch aren't convinced.

-I didn't quite get it.

It's two against one, you're out, you're out.

-I like her.

-What did she say?

What did she actually say?

-Tracey with an E, not Tracy Withernee.

-She thought the name was Withernee. Or the other way round.

-It was just with an E.

-Tracey with an E.

-With an E in the Tracey.

-Rather than a Y.

-Yeah. But she though her name was Tracey Withernee.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-But she was just saying her name was Tracey with an E.

Basically, she's an idiot, but erm...

No-one thought that was her name, we all knew it was Tracey with an E.

-Shall we have one more?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-OK, on more, one more, one more. Hello.

-Hello, there.

Firstly, Graham, I hurt my back, so even if my story's rubbish,

you can't flip the chair, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah? No, no, don't!

Well, bugger you! I don't think you can say that.

-Well, she's got a bad back. I can't flip her.

-Health and safety.

-Health and safety.

-Well, then she shouldn't be in the chair.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I'm better than you.

-What do we do? What do we do?

-It's a conundrum.

-Where is she?

We're saying you can walk. You can walk.

-Oh, you don't want to hear my story?

-No.

Be gone.

-Miriam, you know what...

-That was you.

-That was you but also...

-She wasn't fit for purpose.

-Exactly.

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in the big red chair,

you can just contact us on our website at this very address.

Ladies and gentleman, thank you so much to my guests tonight,

Miriam Margolyes!

Dominic Cooper!

And Lily Allen!

Join me next week with heartthrob actor Jamie Doyle

and Breaking Bad star Aaron Paul and TV legends, Ant and Dec!

I'll see you then. Goodnight and goodbye!