Episode 3 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, there is only one question on everyone's lips. Are

you talkin' to me? No. Me? Actually, don't even bother! I am not talking

to anyone of you because tonight I am talking to one of the world's

greatest actors. Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hello! Hello!

Hello, and welcome - welcome one, welcome all.

What excitement, what a night, what a show. I never thought I would be

saying the following sentence, "Acting legend star of The Deer

Hunter, raging bull, Taxi Driver, Robert Di Niro is on this show,

ladies and Driver, Robert Di Niro is on this show, ladies and gentlemen!

" APPLAUSE Michelle

Pfeiffer is here, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE Comedy goddess Jennifer Saunders

will be joining us. APPLAUSE I

know. And that's not all. We will also later on be having

Oscar-winning star and musical icon Cher on the show, ladies and

gentlemen! Cher APPLAUSE

Cher! There! Listen, Robert Di Niro, how exciting

is that? Now, he is of course well known for his committed method

acting. He gained 60-pound for his role in raging bull where he played

an overweight out-of-condition boxer.

You see why he got the Oscar, can't you!

LAUGHTER Another breakthrough role was as the

godfather part two where he played a young man embarking on the life of

crime. That is a classic gangster. That's what they look like. Here is

what a wannabe gangster looks like. APPLAUSE

But of course, one of Robert's most memorable roles was as Travis Bickle

in Taxi Driver. Mind you, not the first time I've seen someone in

front of a taxi and thought something awful is about to happen.

APPLAUSE What about Michelle Pfeiffer? Again,

a host of great films, Dangerous Liaisons, and Batman Returns where

she starred as Catwoman. She looks fantastic. And it is not easy

looking sexy as a cat. No! Later on, Cher will be joining us.

But first, she's, it's Jennifer Saunders! Hello, hello! It's nuts,

isn't it! Sit down. Sit down. And it's Michelle Pfeiffer!

APPLAUSE So lovely to see you.

There! Michelle Pfeiffer, everyone! And, yes, I am talking to him, it is

Mr MrRobert Di Niro! APPLAUSE

Wooh! I am exhausted. So over excited.

It's like showbiz Christmas. Lovely to see you, Jennifer, lovely to see

you, Michelle. Thank you. And, now, well, it's lovely to see you. It's

surprising to see you. If you were British, you would be

like, sir, be like Sir Robert Di Niro by now. Or Lord Bob. You can

call me Sir Robert if you want. Can I call you that? Yes. The campaign

starts now. The Queen watches this.

I really hope not! LAUGHTER Did

you speak to him out the back, Jennifer? I did, very briefly. What

did you say? I said "hello"! LAUGHTER

That was quite brief. Yes, it was quite brief. By the way, can I just,

a man of surprises, a man of surprises, I didn't see you drinking

that drink. Well, now is not the time.

LAUGHTER You're not drinking it? Yes. But you

asked for it, is my point? They asked for it. I didn't ask for it.

Do you want something else? No, I am good. That's great. What is it? It's

a cucumber Martini hen drivel. Did you expect it to look like that No.

-- hendrix. That doesn't look like a cucumber Martini to me, that looks

like a gin and tonic with cucumber in it. So, sorry.

LAUGHTER How is your tea? I haven't tried it. OK.

How is your wine? It's lovely. You haven't drunk that either.

Listen, Michelle, yourself and M Bob, Lord Bob are in The Entry

together. You've been in films together but it's the first time

you've been on screen together? Yes, we were in" stardust together and I

was so excited to be in a movie with Robert Di Niro and then I realised I

didn't get to work with him because we had no scenes together. Then we

did New Year's Eve, and I was so excited to be in a movie with him,

and once again had no scenes together. So we would meet on the

red carpet, hello, nice to see you, you're wonderful in the film, so

then I get this script, and I said to my agent, "You know what? If I

don't have a scene with him, I am not reading this." So, anyway, we

had some great scenes together. We had fun. Were you meant to be in

raging bull or was that just the story? Yes, actually, I was - no, I

wasn't meant to be in raging bull. No, I went - it was one of my first

interviews, I was starting out. I don't know how my agent got me in

the room with him, but he did. And I am surprised he doesn't

remember me because I walked in looking like a hooker.

Was it in LA or New York? It was in LA. Yes.

LAUGHTER People who look like hookers, people

who look like hookers... I thought I had - I can't swear on this. I

didn't think I had a chance. You can swear on this. What were you going

to say? A shot in hell? You can swear on this. What were you going

to say? A shot in hell? "A shot in hell"!

LAUGHTER Wow! Where do you A shot in hell? "A shot

in hell"! LAUGHTER Wow!

Where do you live! "A shot in hell". ! Ooh! I can only apologise, Sir

Bob. But the family opens on 22 November here, and tell the story,

tell the story. We're on - I am on the witness protection programme,

Michelle is my wife, and Tommy Leigh is our handler, if you will, our FBI

handler, somehow he is in France. He keeps showing up. And then that is

it. We're under the witness protection programme in France. I

know it's not a documentary, but does that happen? Ever? It seems

like an American Mob family might look more obvious in France. Good

point! I think with this particular family, they're having trouble kind

of staying under the radar, and I think they're sort of running out of

locations. I like the way Michelle has thought it through! Don't worry,

don't worry, everyone, the movie is very rude about French people.

Don't worry! I am not saying anything. It is, though. And it is a

real crowd-pleaser. French people get hurt!

It doesn't exactly show the Americans in favourable light.

We have a clip. This is the two of you as the married couple, and

you're arguing about how things are going so far in your new life in

France. All right. Nothing much. Just the

prospect of packing up again when they find out you killed the

plumber. I didn't kill him. I took him to the

hospital. Why did you beat him to pulp. He's the only plumber within a

radius of 20 miles. He disrespected us. I survived. He was trying to rip

me off. Who is going to fix the pipes now? Who is going to build

down the supermarket the day that - who is going to fix the supermarket

the day that burned down the day we got here?

APPLAUSE Very good. For you, Sir Bob, here

you are, you've made close to 100 movies, you're in the 90-something

movies now. You have had a big birthday, turned 70.

APPLAUSE That applause means something.

British audiences clap for nothing. In America that's standard. Here,

that meant a lot. Yes. That's good! LAUGHTER

But here you are in The Entry, and you're playing a gangster role. What

is it about those parts that keeps drawing you back? Well, I mean,

they're interesting characters, and if they are written well, it is fun

to do them. With a good director - we have great times together with

the directors - then it's worth it, or Coppola, it is worth it. I heard

you talking a while ago about another Scorcesse movie coming out

wi Al Pacino. Yes, I don't know when it will actually come out, but we

are planning on doing that movie. This is going to hang over, I need

to say it. Do you know we've met before? Yes. OK. I didn't know

whether you would remember? We worked together in a film. You were

in a film. I was just hanging around! We had so much fun. I did

have a nice time. You were wonderful in that movie. Really? Yes. What is

this? Did you ever see it? I did. You are the only person who saw it!

It was called? I Could Never Be Your Woman.

LAUGHTER That's funny!

APPLAUSE That's unbelievable. That looks like

a Comic Relief sketch. It is a whole film.

When initial was doing scenes with you, did she ever ask you to eat a

breath mint? Yes, she did! I did not. You're making that up! It

was a very cheap film. They spent all the money on Michelle, they

needed her in every frame. If you were talking to her, you had to

stand close to her so her head could be in the shot as well, and there

were some breath mints offered. That's all I am saying. I was being

polite. I was being very bad! LAUGHTER Listen,

we're pacing our excitement, such as the showbiz, not just these three

amazing people, but my next guest sold over 150 million records,

reached her 26th studio album. Please welcome Cher!

APPLAUSE records, reached her 26th studio album.

Please welcome Cher! APPLAUSE #

If I could turn back time. # APPLAUSE

Perch your loveliness here. There you go. How are you? I am OK, how

are you? Something terrible has happened. What? Lord Bob spilt the

tea. What is everybody having? He's having drink envy which is why he

smacked your tea to the floor. He is having some cucumber thing he

doesn't like. What are you on? Me? Yes? What do you mean? What is that?

Dr Pepper. Is that a euphemism. You've been on the show a few times.

We are excited. Tonight, it's the first time ever you're singing on

the show? I think so. So what are you giving us? I am going to give

you my new song. Good one! Is it called I Hope You Find It?

Yes. Is it off your new album Closer To The Truth. This is like some

questionnaire! I've got the facts. I've got the facts. Obviously, you

don't, you're asking me! Now, I would like, it is a classic,

I feel we're getting classic Cher tonight. What do you mean? It's

classic. You're kind of getting tartan. It is a punk edge. Yes. But

nice dark hair. Yes. Is it a mood thing? Do you wake up and decide

which Cher you will be? Are you out of your mind tonight!

LAUGHTER I have to say, looking at the sofa,

it is like an out-of-body experience. It is like a dream I

had. But how do you decide? Because

there's biker Cher, blonde Cher, an gellic Cher? No, there is not.

They're just me in different wrappers. It's only me, always me.

Just plain old me. It's lovely to have you here. It is particularly

lovely to have you here because, earlier this year, I don't know if

you remember this, there was a bit of a scare, a bit of a rumour went

out. It was that you weren't here? You've seen this? It was where a

Twitter hashtag went out. I was dead? People misread it? It was when

Margaret Thatcher dead. Now people read ead it as "Now that Cher dead".

Did you get a lot of people tweeting? Yes, there was a big

Twitter fest. This happens a lot with the hashtag

things. So, for instance, I don't know if you remember Susan Boyle,

lovely singer, she was launching a new album, going to have a party,

and there was much excitement. She announced her party.

This is my favourite one. I think like what were they thinking. So

there is a important event here called Cheltenham Literary Festival.

The Cheltenham Literary Festival kind of went yes, let's get involved

in this whole Twitter thing. Let's be all over it, like writers and

books, and things, but we really need people. They came up with a

Twitter name for themselves with for the Cheltenham Literary Festival:

Oh, my God, that's funny. Sadly, attendance was very low! No-one

could find it! You have to go there, don't you! That's real. That's real.

Nt three three years saying a big fond farewell to you as you toured

the world. Yes. Now you're going to tour again. Yes.

APPLAUSE Is this the Sorry I forgot My Keys

Tour? No, it'sIT Is this the Sorry I forgot My Keys Tour? No, it's "You

had better do it now, bitch, because you're never going to do it again."

It's that. I've heard you talking about the touring, and you love the

shows - But I hate the road. You hate the road? It's lonely, and you

never know where you are, and you can't do anything, and you have to

save your voice, and it's no fun. It's very isolating, and it is the

only thing that saves it is when you go out on stage, and having a good

time with everyone, and that is good. I am not sure how long I can

do it. I won't do it for a long time. I realised this time, I didn't

really want to, but then I thought if I don't do it this time, I am not

going to be doing it in two years, or three years, when I am with the

contain. I am -- can the cane. I am 67. I am not going to do it if I

don't do it now. Excellent. APPLAUSE

Are we allowed to talk about, because you're not doing the Vegas

residency any more? No. You were saying you found those shows quite

difficult. Yes. Are we allowed to talk about that? Yes, I don't care.

The Vegas shows, you're used to it being you go out on stage and it is

a party, people screaming and nuts, so you go out on stage in Vegas,

and? They're not allowed to stand up, and they're very, very old.

Sometimes they have had walkers, and sometimes they had oxygen masks.

I am not kidding. It took me a long time because I was

very angry for a long time, and then finally, I thought, you know, this

might be the last concert they ever see.

At least their enjoying it in their own way, and it's not my way, it

doesn't make me feel that good, and they're having a wonderful time, so

I have allow them to have their wonderful time. If they got too

rowdy, then ushers would come and sit them down.

Even if they had oxygen! Because Sir Bob, it's a hotel you've

got in Vegas yes? Yes, a novo Hotel. I am there. I am not doing

day-to-day operations, but I am very much part of it. Do they say, "Do

you like these curtains, that kind of thing? They can. I am going to be

there in a couple of days, stay there, and I will say this or that,

look at this, some other space. I have things to say. Oh. So you're

not a silent partner in this? No. OK. I am a little frightened for

them now! I feel like ringing ahead, "He's on his way."

Obviously, everyone loves you, Cher. You're a fan of everyone in in on

the sofa? I absolutely am. I don't have to pretend! But, no, I know you

love French and Saunders? Yes. Jennifer. And you can still believe

in the Titanic. Yes. We did that. I loved it. They were - They were both

in the water. Yes, that's right. Dawn died, didn't she? ZBLF are you

- I don't know if you know, but Jennifer is part of a double act

called French and Saunders, and they would spoof. Have you ever done

Robert De Niro? No, I haven't. You have done Cher? Too good to touch.

They did Sonny and I once. I've done you quite a lot, actually!

I don't know if you've seen this - is this a bad thing to show Cher?

No...! Let's see if you're still laughing

and a minute! Cher is one of my greatest heroines,

it is a tribute. I love they would get back together for one more

little series! APPLAUSE

This is French and Saunders homage to Cher.

Who is that? Stop it! It's Cher! I am willing to believe.

# They say our love won't pay the rent for all the money has been

spent. Pent. # We don't have a pot, at least I am

sure of all the things we got. # I got you, babe.

# I've brought together wigs and songs that span the centuries.

# I've brought together wigs and songs that span the centuries.

# If I could turn back time. I could find a way.

# If I could turn back time. I could find a way.

# If I could reach the stars. Like you used to do.

Stars. Like you used to do.

# If I could turn back time. APPLAUSE

You know when you make things, and you wonder I wonder if that person

will see it. You never imagine you will be sitting on a sofa with them

watching it. That's kind of weird. I've got an early Christmas present

for you, Cher, because Jennifer has written a book called Bonkers. I

only want it if she signs it. There's a picture of you in it. I

put myself in the index as well. Are you in there? Yes, I am. But the

thing about writing your life is trying to kind of remember it all.

There is a bit, you actually lost your own baby. Yes, briefly.

Yes. I id. A Ade and I were living in Richmond at the time, and I had

three children, I imagined. So many to keep track of. Yes. One morning,

Ade got up and he went and got the two bigger girls up, and he took

them down for breakfast. I was to go and get the baby, and I went

upstairs to the baby's room, and the cot was empty.

I thought, "That's unusual, isn't it?" And you start thinking, "Baby

should be in that cot." It's a bit strange. So I thought maybe Ade has

picked it up and taken it downstairs for breakfast. The heart is thumping

a little bit. You think this is odd. I go downstairs and he is feeding

the other two, no sign of the baby. At which point I am thinking, "I

should ask him, shouldn't I?" I think, "No, he will look at me like

people looked at Ingridberg man in gas light and say you're mad, you've

never had another baby. You've only got two children, you are idiot." I

thought no, I won't ask him, I will go back upstairs. I go back up, and

I am seriously thinking, "Have I actually, have I gone mad? Have I

got a baby?" I went back down to my bedroom, as I felt down, I felt this

little lump. Isn't it awful, yes, mumsnet, it's awful. I know you

shouldn't do that! But I was breast-feeding her at night, and she

had kicked herself, I had fallen asleep - obviously - from tiredness,

and she had kicked herself down to the bottom of the bed, and was right

under the duvet right down the bottom of the bed, just fast asleep

- she's still alive! She suffered no damage!

APPLAUSE It was a nightmare. You doubt your own

sanity. In the book, you don't shy away from anything. No. You do talk

about your battle with cancer and stuff. Was it hard to get the - I

don't call it a battle. It's not a battle. I hate it when eventually

the press picked up on it and they go, "Brave Jen's battle with

cancer." It's a process you go through. I try in the book to

decatatrophise the process. It's a cure you go through. Viva Forever,

the Spice Girls came along. Ment reviews were angry reviews. Yes. Was

that water off a duck's back? No, I was very sad for the show, actually.

Everything you have things that work and things that don't work. I

thought it kind of worked but they didn't give it much of a chance, so

I was slightly kissed, obviously. Sad for you all, because nice people

involved in it. How was it doing before you got reviewed? It was

doing great. That happened to me too. I did a play ComeIng back To

theFive Jimmy Deny. We were doing unbelievable business, got reviewed,

bad reviews, and then nothing. You see, I think didn't people - are

people giving back their tickets? You feel like people have bought

their tickets already? I guess they haven't!

Sir Bob, but you produce musicals? Yes, We Will Rock You. Everyone

loves that. It is a big huge global hit, kerching - literally laughing

all the way to the bank! How did you get involved in that?

Well, Tribeca got involved, my partner gold involved, we were

involved for years trying to get it to be a film, and then it ended

upping the musical here, and now we're doing it in the States as a

touring company, not on broad way. Maybe a little broad way, but now

it's just staying, touring around the country. Of course, Michelle, we

know you can sing, we've heard you sing. Yes. Would you ever do a

musical or anything like that? No, you look at me with pained

expression. I am a pretend singer. I an actor who can sing a little bit

when - She was in a musical? Yes, when she was young. Must I say it?

It was fun. Greece two. Yes, of course. . The fabulous Baker Boys.

You sang in that? And in Hairspray. You've done nothing but musicals.

Stop doing musicals! The most surprising story I think in

the book is the call you get from your agent, and she's had a call

from a tabloid newspaper. Do you know which newspaper I am talking

about? Yes. It's another moment when I doubt my own sanity and my own

memory. Share with the group. Cher with the group!

My agent called me up one day and it was quite early on in my career, I

think. I wasn't very old. She said, "Love, a couple of things." And she

went through a couple of things. Then she cleared her throat, "Love,

um, can I ask you a question? Have you ever, do you think, been in a

porn film?" I said, "Oh, pardon?" She said, "Just the papers have been

on to me, and they've seen such a film with someone with your name and

apparently looks a bit like you." I was thinking, "Have I?"

LAUGHTER Really? She said, "Possibly when you were in

Italy on your gap year." I thought, "Oh, yes, that probably happened. I

was probably drugged and set upon." They put it in the film. And I was

thinking no, you're insane. I couldn't remember. I ventured with

no, and she h no, and she said, "Fine." "I will get back to them."

Which is what they do, they put a nice bit of bait into the celebrity

swamp and hope that someone feels guilty, says yes, and they have a

story. But, no, because if obviously I was in a porn film, I would have a

proper porn name, which everyone's porn name is their first pet and

mother's maiden name, so mine is S Suki Dumaney. Has anyone seen that

in a porn film. Did someone say yes! We did do some research, and

Jennifer Saunders does exist - she's not here. Please, God. We found some

of her early work. I am not going to show it to you, don't worry. Have

you ever seen her? Of course not. This is her. There isn't much

Cheltenham Literary Festival going on!

This is her, Girl of the Month. Do you want that for your collection?

Yes, please! That is Jennifer Saunders who is probably watching

with her grandchildren right now. Wow!

That's really quite frightening, isn't it? If I were you, I would say

it was you. I would say that. Bob is going er,

The full French. But, you know, you must get so many

young actors coming up What is the keying you tell them?

Each situation is different. It depends who it is, who is asking me.

Can Does a day go by when people don't

shout out lines from movies and to you, or does that happen you will

all the time? I don't get that that often from people. People are too

frightened to do that to him. We were having dinner at Gay Pride

night. He had his back to the door, and I was facing him. All these drag

Queens came in. It's been great talking to all of

dreamed your love could be, and so much more.

# I hope you're happy with whatever you are. I wanted you to know that

nobody is going to choose that. I hope you find it.

# Am I supposed to hang around and wait forever. The last words that I

said. # There was nothing but a broken

heart talking, darling, #

Because I would hate that you left without hearing the words that I

needed you to. # Because I would hate that you left

without hearing the words that I needed you to.

# And I hope you find it. What you're looking for. I hope it's

everything you dreamed your love would be.

And so much # I hope you're happy.

Wherever you are. I wanted you to know that, that

nothing is going to change that. I hope you found it.

Whatever it is I've found with you - well, I hope you find it, what

you're looking for, I hope it's everything you dreamed your life

could be, and so much more. # And I hope you're happy, wherever

you are, I wanted you to know that, and nothing's going to change that.

I hope you find it. I hope you find it.

APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Cher!

There you go. Have a seat there. We loved it! Beautiful!

It's very, very deep. It is an instant classic.

Thank you. Beautiful, and singing live, amazing vocal. Thank you so

much for doing that. So many people don't bother, and we really

appreciate it. APPLAUSE

Before we go tonight, just time for a story in the red chair. Who will

be there? Hello. Hello. You're on. What is your name? Reece. Where New

Zealand. We love a Kiwi. Are you here on holiday? Travelling around,

sponging off people? Yes. On holiday. You're staying with people

you don't know very well, are not you? Yes. For months. Reece, off you

go with your story? So about a year ago, my girlfriend went out drinking

with her mates, and when she drinks she gets quite horny. Can I say

that? Yes. Anyway, I was in bed, and she was texting everything what she

would do, I thougt, "Oh. " I was half asleep, I got on the pho said,

"Hey, babe." Then I d, "Hey, babe." Then I got a "Do you know who this

ou know who this is?" "Your my girlfriend." I looked at the phone,

"This is your mother!" Classic! Reece looked like he got over

excited telling that story, didn't he? Do we have time for one more?

Hello? Hello. , What is your name? Amanda.

Manda - just Manda. When you drink, do you get horny? No comment! Did

you once date someone called Reece? No. Where are you from? New Zealand!

Sorry, are there coach trips coming from New Zealand to the show? On

holidays or working here? Working. What are you doing? Like a vints

sort of thing. Serving people. She's very good at them! Full-time? Yes.

Full-time she does it! Off you go with your lovely story, Manda. Me

and my friend were mastering the tube system. One night we were

coming home, and we got into the tube, and there were no seats, so we

were, I don't know, a bit bummed, and we stood there. We saw people

walk out, raced to the seats. I noticed a guy was reading a

newspaper earlier. He was pointing at it, it this newspaper, I said I

will be nice, seeing as English people can sometimes be rude. So I

picked up the - Do it now! Ing polite kiwi. I threw it over to him.

He went on the tube and started - everyone started screaming. Turns

out someone had put the newspaper on a big pile of vomit, and there was

vomit all over this lovely lead! Off, off, off!

We liked her. Listen, well done, everyone, if you

would like to join us on the show and have a go in the big red chair,

you can at this address. What a line-up. Please thank my guests

tonight: Cher! APPLAUSE

Jennifer Saunders! APPLAUSE

It's Michelle Pfeiffer! It's Robert Di Niro! Applause ,

All right. Join me next week, John bishop, Jay-Z, Judi Dench, and Sir

Elton John!