Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language. My musical guest tonight

has had so many classics like... I remember when rock was young. Or?

I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the classic... Nants

ingonyama bagithi Baba! Let's start the show!

Oh! Oh! Good evening... CHEERING We are taping it. Welcome

all, welcome all. Can you tell who it is yet? Welcome another great

line-up for you tonight, the rocket man tonight, Sir Elton John is here!

CHEERING Yes! Acting royalty, Dame Judi Dench is on the show!

CHEERING Yeah! The brilliant comedian John Bishop will be joining

us. CHEERING And no, you haven't

switched on to BBC Two by mistake, Jeremy Paxman is on this show!

CHEERING Yes! I know! So, we've got a Knight and a Bishop. Almost enough

for a game of celebrity chess. All we need is a Queen. But we don't.

Elton is well known for his extravagant lifestyle, spending a

fortune on flowers. He has them all over the stage. Even a cactus on his

piano stool. That hurt. Elton won an Oscar for his song The Circle of

Life, not quite that version, he The Lion King, and the stage version,

fantastic, human act rs conveying Zazu the hornbill, Simba the lion

and, of course, Elton the duck! The costumes are stunning. Here he is in

another bird-inspired outfit. You look at that and you think, where

the hell did Elton get those feathers? Let's get some guests on!

CHEERING Later we'll be talking to Jeremy Paxman. But first it is John

Bishop! CHEERING

Hello Sir. You've got a tan. She's totally Dench, it is Dame Judi

Dench! CHEERING Lovely lady. Oh, God, we

nearly lost you. Sit down quickly. And for one night only, it is Sir

Elton John! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Rocket man... # Have a seat.

CHEERING you picked a good night. How are you

all? Are you well? Very good. Very shiny, very show business. The last

time I saw you was at your white tie and tiara ball, and you were quite

poorly but didn't know it He a burst appendix. Were you using the doctor

from Downton? How can you miss a burst appendix? I don't know, but I

did nine shows and summer shows with a burst appendix. You are alright

now? Yes, but it was huge when it came out. I'm very lucky to be here.

And those parties are amazing. I've seen you at one of those Dame Judi

Dench. Yes. I had a ball. If you don't know, the white tie and tiara

parties that Elton throws every year to raise money for the Elton John

Aids Foundation. Anyone who is anyone is there. It is show business

wall to wall. LAUGHTER

I had a darts match. Judi, do you still go clubbing, do you still cut

a rub? I have never ever been to a club in my life. Judi Dench, you lie

like a rug. Do I? I bumped into you in Heaven. Oh yes you did!

CHEERING Absolutely true. Fag hag. They took

us in through the back door. Wouldn't they? !

LAUGHTER Story of her life. That is the only time. Is that

really the only time? Yes. Did you not have a nice night? You looked

like you were having fun. Yes, I think I did. I'm gay and I've never

been to Heaven. Why were you there, gore God sake. That's a good

question too! And the answer is, you were there to see Cher. What? The

singer Cher? That's right! APPLAUSE Judi, later on... Don't ask

me any more questions. I will come to you later. Don't worry, I've got

all the answers. Now, I'm very excited, Sir Elton John, you are

performing for us tonight or are you teasing us with that piano? You are

going to be singing is Voyeur? Yes. And look at us old school, big

fabulous vinyl. It comes in Does, yes. This is the new album The

Diving Board and Voyeur is the second sing? After Home Again. This

is out now. It is a stunning album and everyone is saying it. It is the

best piano album since Winifred Attwell I think. High praise indeed.

This is your 31st studio album? Something like that. What's great is

listening to these songs, it is you and Bernie Taupin at the top of your

game. It's the most piano-orientated album I've made. I don't see the

point of making a record if you don't try to make better. I've been

making records since 1969. This one is one of my favourites. Because I

think we've come a step further. I'm singing better, I'm playing better.

It is a very relaxed album, so I'm very happy with it. I'm sure Judi

would say she goes into every part hoping to make a better performance

than the last one. There is no point carrying on otherwise. The record

company, who are here tonight, assholes!

CHEERING I don't mean, that they are a very

good record company. It shows when you are a proper star can call his

record company an castle. They want to make cover albums and Motown

albums but that's so silly. I leave that to Rod Stewart and people like

that. LAUGHTER Did I say that? Having said

that, his album is doing much better than mine. Assholees! You've

announced a tour. You are back on the road again. Where? Aren't you

touring in America? In America, not over here. Obviously you are

constantly on tour and performing but you are now a dad of two.

Congratulations to you. Thank you. CHEERING So now do, they come with

you? They come everywhere that I go. The thing is with kids up to four,

they are very portable and then they go to school. But at the moment

Zachary is three on Christmas Day and Elijah is one in January.

Zachary's been to Australia twice before he was two. He just walks out

of the hotel and goes, "The Opera House." They are like sponges. He's

been the China, Hong Kong, all over the place. They love it and they

travel. I love having them with me. Is this true about bath time

backstage? They come to the show backstage and we do tubby time at 6.

30, ever since they were born and have a story from daddy and Papa.

That's the ritual and they go back to hotel. And you go on stage.

Covered in bubbles. When Zachary does go to school next year, what's

going to happen? I'm going to take him on the first day of school and

I'm going to pick him up and make sure I'm around for when he goes to

school. It is very important. When you have children it is all about

them now, not about me, so my touring schedules and whole life

will change. It has to, it is about my children. I'm 66 now and I don't

have to tour... Really? Yes. Bingo right! It is about them. My life,

having the children has changed the way I think, changed my life

completely. I've never felt love like I have ever felt. There is not

a word in the dictionary that can describe the way you love your

children. It is impossible to describe how much you love your

children. Wow! That's lovely. APPLAUSE We hear a lot of stories,

you do like shopping, it is true. It is rumoured, yes. I like shopping.

Yes. I went to Melbourne. I think I got some sunglasses and some shoes.

What did you buy in Melbourne? I didn't buy anything. I flew in from

Sydney and flew back. You bought a tram. I did! Years ago. I thought

you meant the last visit. Keep up! I bought a tram in Melbourne, because

they were selling all the old beautiful trams to San Francisco. I

thought, I would have one of those. I paid 15,000 Australian dollars,

and it cost me 250,000 dollars to gets it to England. It was a

nightmare. Due still have it? Indeed. Where is it? In the garden,

of course! And the cheeky huggers who sent it over put the number on

it and it said 69. Beside you there, Dame Judi Dench, I've got the whole

anecdote here, I can give it to you. LAUGHTER I know exactly what you are

going to say. She's on it! Tell us. Quite a while ago, is it embroidery?

I used to do a lot of embroidery and make cushions. David Hare once said

to me, could you make me a cushion? Which has something very rude all

the way around it. A member of my family can come and stay and see the

cushion and never see the words. So I. Was it all the way around? A very

intricate design. I've done a lot. It said, "Fuck' em." Independent all

the way around. -- on it, all the way around. John, you must be

minting it now. You are doing the big Arena tours and the money is

cashing in. The kids are leaving the house. What's the most extravagant

thing you've bought so far? I bought an auction, a superlamb banana,

which is a... You haven't got one. Bingo! I've outshoped Elton. A

banana? A superlamb banana. John Bishop, you don't see the sort of

man who would buy that. No. What happened, when Liverpool was the

European capital of culture they had a raft of these around the city.

They went into a charity auction. I was at the charity auction. Because

at the time we were living in Manchester I wanted a piece of

Liverpool in our garden, so I bought a superlamb banana, and he to ensure

it. I had to phone the call centre in India and say I want to ensure a

superlamb banana. She said, what's one of them? I said it is like a

lamb with a banana and listen, whatever is in your head, that's

what it is. How much but pay for that? Seven grand I think. It is a

bar gain. Is it in the garden? Next to his tram!

APPLAUSE Now, very exciting week because not only has Sir Elton got a

fabulous new album, Dame Judi Dench has a really fantastic new film. It

is so good, I've seen it. You must be thrilled with this. The thing...

No? Well, I am. The thing I'm most thrilled about is because it is

about somebody who is alive, a very, very remarkable person, who we met.

The thing is that she's very pleased. That's actually the thing

I'm most pleased about, because when you are making a film about somebody

who is actually alive and present and near you and living and

breathing and other people know them and they have this remarkable story,

you have a huge responsibility to be very, very truthful and honest about

the story. She liked it. That was fine for me. The lady is called

Philomena and the movie is called Philomena. It opens in cinemas

tonight. It is a heart-breaking story, based in the Magdalene

laundries, the con investments She was pregnant, was taken in by the

nuns and had a son and the nuns sold the baby and she couldn't trace him.

I shouldn't tell you story. I won't tell you whole story. Already you

know that's a good film. I think Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope did a

brilliant job at making it very, very funny and then, oh, it is very

boo-who. The facts of the story, yes. We've got a clip of Philomena.

This is yourself and Steve Coogan when the search has taken you to

America. Martin? They've got omelettes over there. Pancakes, and

waffles. Anything. Career, bacon and sausage. Anything you want. I saw.

Breakfast is included isn't it? It is too early for me, my stomach

hasn't woken up yet. I'm having a ham and Swiss cheese omelette. Will

I get you one? No. What about blueberries. Coffee? No, thank you.

We have two buffets, hot and cold. I know, she just told me. We have

fresh pancakes. Thank you, we are trying to have a private

conversation. My apologies Sir. No need to be rude. She's a very nice

person. I'm sure she is one in a million or one in 100,000. What do

you mean? You said it to 10,000 people. It is just maths. You should

be mice to the people on the way up, you might meet them on the way down.

You of all people should understand that.

APPLAUSE The accent, very good accent. People

don't know, you have quite strong connections to Ireland. I had an

Irish mother and my father went to Ireland when he was three. All my

relations are there. When you were filming there were they crawling out

of the woodwork and say, yeah, I knew your mother. We filmed in

Rostrevor. We did a bit of getting in and out of a car. The man said,

you've a cousin here. You have, he's come to see you. They all turned up

that evening. I'm sorry I didn't go to other places in family. I have an

enormous family. In terms of accents, but always sing in your

American soul voice, did you ever try singing in English your own...

LAUGHTER lock off! CHEERING

I am a rocket man - it doesn't work Graham. I take your point. I have to

keep going. John Bishop, a Liverpool accent. Were you eight when you

figured out you had an accent? When I was ate I was in hospital. I fell

off a fence and I bruised my kidneys. I was taken to hospital

near Crewe. I didn't realise I was funny but all the nurses used to

come in in the morning and make me say the word chicken. They said do

you want your cornflakes with "chickken"? It is just one of those

words with a Scouse accents. People are laughing, all I said is

"chickken". I thought, that's good, so I tried to then develop a whole

career based around "chickken". To be honest it ended when I was

8-and-a-half. There isn't anything about John Bishop I don't know.

John's written a book. How Did All? This Happen? It is a very sweet

story about your first kiss. My first kiss. I think I was about 12

or 13. It is different now, because as you will find with your kids,

teenage kids are exposed to stuff we weren't exposed to. The naughty

things we looked at was the underwear page in the catalogue.

This girl Jane I was going out with said, I've got a birthday present

for you. She went to give me a kiss and she French kissed me, which is a

lovely thing when you know what to expect. But when somebody sticks

their tongue down your mouth when you are not ready, I said, "What you

doing, you dirty cow! W!." APPLAUSE You are sitting here now

and enormous success, next year you are doing another big Arena tours,

Supersonic, all over the country. But look at him now, ladies and

gentlemen, the host of this year's Royal Variety Show.

APPLAUSE Yes! I've got to tell you about that. When we were growing up

that was the big show on telly, the build-up to the year. When they

phoned me and said, do you want to be the host of the royal variety? I

said, it would be a lovely thing for my mum and dad. I said, I've been

asked to do the Royal Variety Show, do you want to come? My dad said,

it's in London isn't it? Wasn't it in Manchester last year? This year

it is at the Palladium. Who are you getting? Prince Charles, are you

getting... Prince Charles is going to be there. Because you are friends

with royalty. Friends in a... Look at you, here you are with lovely

Kate. Is she pregnant in that picture? Listen, I don't want this

to change into Jeremy Kyle. Don't bring her on and have a DNA test.

Let's move on. I was doing a thing for Comic Relief and Kate is

involved with a fantastic charity that gets children to talk over

their problems. We were at a school in Manchester and they were planting

a tree. The Royals must be planting of -- must be sick of planting

trees. They had me stood next to me. She is seven months pregnant and she

is shovelling. I said, this is a set-up. I look like the laziest man

in the world. LAUGHTER Judi, is it true, I've

never asked you this before, the story about you and Ian McCel no-one

Buckingham Palace? It is true. It is true. A big party for Shakespeare's,

one of his birthdays. A big one. Yes, and we -ly remember this story?

I hope so. I can't help you with this one. I just know something

happened. Yes, um... Make it up. I think, I can't remember what we were

doing but I remember we... What were we doing the two of us? We went into

a room, beside the room where we were to change and things. And we

were feeling around in the dark. What were you doing? What were we

doing? He's away in America, sow can't ask him. Playing sardines? I

don't know. Anyway, he suddenly felt something. He said, "Good grief,

this is a very high chair." He looked at the back and there was a

great big back. I think we were sitting on a throne. What we were

doing there, I can't remember. Is security in Buckingham Palace must

be terrible. Everyone who's been there says, "And then we snuck into

another room and we spilled some plates." Famously you were close to

princess dinena. Even before, that I think you play Prince Andrew's 21st?

Yes. At Windsor Castle. That was a very nervy experience, because Ray

Cooper my percussion player played and the chairs were gold and they

filled up. I came down and changed. I was in a ballroom with a band.

Diana Spencer, she wasn't Prince Charles' wife then. She said, do you

want to dance? I couldn't dance anyway and we did a f August, x

Charleston. Princess Anne said, shall we go to the disco? It was the

quietest disco. I was born in a council house, this is very surreal,

and the Queen came in and said, "Can we join you?" I was wanting to say,

"No, lock off." They segued into Bill Hayley rock around the clock.

The Queen is going like... And it was one of the most, to that point,

surreal moments of my life. After being born in a council house in

Pinner, you think, and remembering rock around the clock, the odds of

you dancing with the Queen at Windsor Castle are very, very long

at that point. APPLAUSE OK. It is time to bring on

my final guest. I'm guessing Newsnight has just finished, because

the grand inquisitor himself is here, please welcome Jeremy Paxman!

CHEERING Shove done one. Hello Sir. How are you? Very nice to see you.

Have you met everyone? I melt Elton just before-hand. I have met Judi

before. We did a carol service together. You've got a terribly good

memory. We haven't noticed! Jeremy Paxman, even I know this is a stupid

question, but we've got to talk about it. I've made a living out of

stupid questions. The beard. You must have known it was going to

cause a fuss. No, actually I was rather stupid. I didn't. We've been

on holiday in the summer and I came back. The flight had been delayed 24

hours and I had to go into the office the next day. I was standing

in front of the mirror about to shave, and I thought, no, why should

I? I kept it. I had reckoned without the silly season. There was nothing

else to write about apart from Simon Cowell's baby and fracking. It was a

no-brainer. I like the idea of you, becausen an insight into you looking

into the mirror and going, looking good, Paxman. I wasn't. I was

thinking, how do you take a beard off? You have got to cut it first.

That's not good. No. It is awful. You are not here tonight as an

interviewer or a presenter but as an author. You have a new book out,

Jeremy Paxman, Great Britain's Great War. The worry is that you think it

is going to be dry, pure history. But you do have a personal

connection to the First World War. Yeah, my great-uncle Charlie was one

of those many thousand thousands of men who signed up in late 1914. I

grew up with this photograph on the wall. This photo showed him and

seven other young men, arms around each other, standing on a newly tar

ed road. Within about five months of the photograph being taken, he was

dead. He was dead at Gallipoli, which was an operation in 1915 to

try to relieve pressure on the Western Front. I just started

thinking then, this is a very big event, the 100th anniversary, which

is coming up next year, that has now slipped from family memory to

history. We are obviously going to have to think next year about what

we do to commemorate this event, but I thought, I suddenly realised I

didn't really know. I was seeing it through the prejudice really of the

1960s. 1960s, over what a lovely war and then blacked aer in the 1980s.

The famous scene where right towards the end General medical chit --

Melchett says to Blackadder going over the top, "I'll will right

behind." And Blackadder mutters, "Yes, about 35 miles behind." It

reflects the view of the First World War that all the generals were

behind the line, and they were, for good reasons, and that the people

were slaughtered by the generals, which is not true. What general sets

out to lose a battle? I thought it was time to re-examine it. In

history 1 years is a short time but in personal memory it is a long

space of time. I know the BBC are doing a lot. You are doing a series?

A television series goes with it next year. But I helicoptered

critical of comments that David Cameron made about the -- but I

heard that you were critical of comments that David Cameron made?

When he was told millions of pounds would be spent marking this

anniversary, he compared it with the celebrations for the Diamond

Jubilee, and people get the idea that this is going to be celebrated.

Only a complete idiot would think this is going this calamity is going

to be celebrated. Millions of people were wounded mentally and

physically. No-one would celebrate that. It was Cameron's clumsy use of

language. They don't represent normal people. You shouldn't be a

politician until you've had at least one job.

APPLAUSE I their that prejudice. I think you should have done something

in the world before you put yourself in a position where you are making

judgments that affect the lives of all of us. I do think that. I had to

interview Russell Brand the other day. He was banging on about how

people are really disenchanted with politics. I think he's right. I

disagree with him about all sorts of things but I think he is absolutely

right. People are completely fed up with posturing politicians. And they

realise that the public are way ahead of politicians. They realise

we have loads of really difficult intractable problems. These people

come along and make us promises saying that they can definitely

solve them themselves, there is only two ways of looking at this, their

way, and their opponent is wrong, and they are going to solve this

thing. It's rubbish. CHEERING People are wise. They

understand how difficult it is. Can I just ask. Go on. I've always

wanted to ask you this. When you are interviewing a politician, is there

any point where you want to say, God you're a dickhead, shut up. When we

are at home, we are thinking, we've heard this before. It does flash

through your mind casually, yes! Elton and Judi, you must have been

interviewed a gazillion times. What are the things that people ask you

and you think, oh, God. Everything you've asked me tonight.

LAUGHTER They were odd questions. We must celebrate your fabulous work on

University Challenge. You are the longest serving is question master.

That's a very old photo. I had brown hair in those days. And now you've

got a beard. Nice of you to mention it - again! You grew it!

APPLAUSE I've got some questions, University

Challenge questions. If you sit in that chair. I'll sit here.

CHEERING What is wonderful is that I watch it regularly, because I love

it so much. What I long to bet on each week is the drinker. There is

always somebody who is very, very clever and the moment they say this

unbelievably clever answer, they go...

CHEERING Completely by chance, there are four of you sitting on the sofa,

and so you can settle down and be asked. Has anyone got a scarf? Or a

Teddy bear. Want to be the trendy one. I've got The Lion King

somewhere. You'll get it back. A mascot.

You can't do anything without a mascot. I want to be the mysterious

one who writes poetry and never gets laid.

APPLAUSE Fingers on buzzers. Who on the sofa

tonight suffers from scoleciphobia? Various poll Technics, Bishop.

Probably everyone. Due know what it is? No. Scotsphobia? No. It is you.

Why is it me? Because I can't remember anything?

APPLAUSE It is a fear of worms, Judi. I don't even like to say the

word. Worms, worms, worms, worms. You are frightened of worms? One

jumped inside my sandal when I was a little girl in wet weather...

Jumped? Yes. Are you sure it was a worm?

LAUGHTER And you've been scared of worms ever since? You can just walk

away from them, you know. They are very quick, the worms in her garden.

Next question. Who on the sofa tonight keeps two elephants in ne'er

back garden? School of hard no, John. Me? Yes. There are two stone

ones, not real ones. That's hilarious. It is probably John isn't

it? If he's got a banana... I love it you have so much in common. You

have got real ones? No, I've got the ones that were around London

auctioned for the Asian elephants. I've got a yellow one with white

dots and a bright yellow one that sits down. When you drive into our

drive there's a big yellow elephant looking at you. It is were than a

guard dog. The auction. It is a soft touch. He'll buy anything.

I came home with a tramp. A final question. Who on the sofa once got

their foreskin caught in a zip and was rescued by their grandmother?

Snore school of speech and drama - Dench. It It was then the biggest it

has ever been. It swelled with up to the most anonymous size and she had

to get it in a bowl of hot water. She is the only person I trusted to

do it. Since then it's been a huge disappointment.

APPLAUSE Well done! Thank you very much Jeremy. It is

music time. Sir Elton, if you want to go to the piano.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In a moment we'll have some stories

in the famous red chair but first performing Voyeur, it is Sir Elton

John! # Looking, looking back

# I'm trying to imagine this and that

# The mathematics making up the minds

# It is a prediction from the media to lines

# Watching, I'm watching you # A voyeur from a different point of

view # The solitary art that I've been

looking through # Committed to connecting me always

-- the old ways to the new # I see things from a curtain

blowing up against the rain # Through a crack in the door that

heals with pain # And through every gap that gives

away some secret in the dark # I come away with something to keep

you in my heart #

I'm searching and setting out to prove without a shadow of a doubt

# The age-old camera diction that's hovering about

# A whisper in the dark #

I'm wait ng, I'm wait g for # Tell-tail footsteps on the bedroom

floor # Broken-hearted lover simply

looking for # Release me from this dirty little

war # And I see things from the ceiling

of a hotel # From the satellite bouncing off

the Moon # And from every telescope

# Something is in the dark, I come away with something to keep you in

my heart #

to see things from the highest vantage point

# Through a hawk eye on the wind # And forever secret rendezvous

# Where illicit lovers park # I come away with something to keep

you in my heart #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sir Elton John! Come back and join

us, Sir. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you so

much. Have a seat there with Jeremy. There

you go. Perfect. CHEERING

You make it look so easy. You've just been here chatting away and you

wander over there and do that. It is what I do darling. Just time for a

story in the red chair. Who be there. Hello? Hello. What's your

name? Amy. OK! LAUGHTER Where are you fro Amy? I'm

from really close to where Mr Bishop is from, but I live in London. OK.

What's your story, my dear. It is about my adoration for Elton John.

When Amy used to go by the name of Mrs John, because I loved him so

much. Raise your game a bit, girl. She's young. Off you go with your

story. When I was about nine we got tickets to see Sir Elton in concert

at Hammersmith Apollo. We were in the concert, 25 metres close to the

front, and Sir Elton said, "And this song is dedicated to David." I

looked at my mum and said, "Mummy, he's gay." And with that Sir Elton

said, "Yes, darling, I'm gay." And I cried so much, we had to leave.

LAUGHTER That's a very good story. You can

walk. I did not see where that story was

going. That was rather sweet wasn't it? What a way to come out, on

national television. I didn't know you were gay.

LAUGHTER You got a banana lamb! Who is sup next? Hello. Hi. What's your

name? Lucy. Does your story involve the things you're hold? Yes, it

does. I thought maybe they were some worry beads or something.

LAUGHTER Off Gow with your story, Lewisy. When I was little, my good

friend of my grandparents knitted me this hat. My... Sorry, "Good"

friends? LAUGHTER My parents told me that the

person who knighted it -- knitted it nitted the it while she was

performing in the National Theatre and in her dressing radio. I have

never met her but she is one of your guests. But Norman Smith that? Has

it got, "Lock them." All the way around? Well done everyone. If you

would like to have a good in the big red chair, you can. Contact us via

our website. Thank you so much to my guests tonight: Mr John Bishop! Dame

Judi Dench! Jeremy Paxman! CHEERING And Sir Elton John!

CHEERING Join me next week with comedian Greg Davies, Dot Cotton

herself, June Brown, Brit actor Jude Law, and the pop sensation that is

Lady Gaga. I'll see you then - goodnight!