Episode 6 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, the 50ening -- 50th anniver... Oh, no, I think I'm

regenerating. CHEERING

On the show tonight... Oh, it's happening again.

That's better, on the show tonight, we celebrate the 50th anniversary

of... Oh, no, blimey, here we go again. I tell you what - let's just

start the show! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome one and all. Lovely to see you.

CHEERING That's so nice. Thank you so much.

We have a show-and-a-half for you tonight. To help celebrate the 50th

anniversary, we will be joined by two doctors. Matt Smith is here,

ladies and gentleman! And the gorgeous David Tennant is on the

show! Yeah. Oscar-winning Hollywood star, Emma Thompson be here!

Hillarious comic Jimmy Carr is on the show! The country's famous

singer, Robbie Williams, is here, ladies and gentleman! I'm very

excited to tell you that he'll be performing exclusively later in the

show, with the one and only Olly Murs! I know. A bit of a dew t.

Looking forward to seeing Robbie again. Did you all see Robbie on the

X Factor? It was good. Look at that! Do you know what I mean, that is

incredible, that set. Hand crafted boat, proper sails, rigging, all to

give it that nautical theme. Other people made less of an effort.

LAUGHTER "You're a world-class performer. You

made it your own, Robbie." Robbie such an entertainer. He has

done some out-there routines over the years. You do look at that and

think what happened to that girl's bra and nickers? -- knickers. Can't

wait to meet Emma Thompson. Recently she played the Queen in the TV drama

Walking the Dogs. It's all about when Her Majesty was woken by a

strange man trying to get into her bedroom. "Wake up Lizzie, it's our

anniversary." LAUGHTER

I especially like the scene where she first met Camilla. Do we have a

picture? Yeah, we do. LAUGHTER

She's out on a Friday! She doesn't watch it. Emma starred with Arnold

Schwarzenegger in Junior. Now I don't know if you remember that film

was all about a man having a baby. Quite unrealistic, because if a man

was actually having a baby, he'd have water retention, get all

bloaty, you know... APPLAUSE

let's get some guests on! Later we have the two doctors, first fasten

your seat belts, it's Mr Jimmy Carr! Suited, booted, lovely.

APPLAUSE Let him entertain us, it's Robbie

Williams everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gorgeous. Hello, Sir. It's the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Emma Thompson! CHEERING

Showbiz kissing all very good. Snake skin as well. Python. Beautiful.

That's just one python on each leg. Yes I evicerated them myself. Pull

out the body and pull them on. Me and gym yip said, we definitely

would. Even I might. LAUGHTER

So long as I could see the Oscars from where I was. I could wear them

as earrings. That would be nice. Emma Thompson, congratulations

because recently, what an honour, because everyone thinks you buy the

star in the holly walk of fame. You got the hand prints. I did. They get

you to dress up, then they present you with a square yard of wet cement

and invite you to stick body parts into it. Don't you think that's

eccentric? I think you're on all fours. It seems like quite a solid,

steady position. I have found it so, in the past.

LAUGHTER Yet, this happened. Because I was

mucking about as usual. Because the press suck any moment of joy out of

those moments, they said she's fallen over, when they knew fine

well, I was doing it you know, oh, my God. You're not a big fan of LA.

You don't like spending that much time there. I like LA, but it's a

funny old place. It's a strange place. As soon as you get there you

think, oh, my God, my bum looks big in this, meaning LA. It's true. This

is the problem. I've lived there for a long time. They say if you sit in

a bar bore shop for long -- barber shop for long enough you're going to

get a hair cut. If you live in LA for long enough you are going to

have surgery. I've had a thatch done. I didn't even need it. I had

three months off, I got bored. It's like, oh, well, I'll go in. Is that

new hair? No, I've got some round the side. Because they've got the

colour wrong in the front. I've got some round the side done and I

didn't need it. That's what I'm saying about Los Angeles. They're

very conscious of how everybody looks. Yeah. They all look the same.

There's a hierarchy. There's the star system thing, which we don't

really have here, thank goodness. I don't like that. They'll always find

a way of making you feel bad. There's always some VIP in

closure... That you're not in. You think you're in an important bit and

you're not in the most important bit or your ticket is green, when the

really important ticket is pink. They find ways of making you feel

less than or more than all the time. I don't approve of that. The amount

of times I've turned up to places and the look on people's faces and

they realise I'm not Robin Williams...

LAUGHTER Seriously. No, sorry, it's me. All

the time. We knew you in this country as an actress. Then you went

to Hollywood and we saw you in what seemed at the time surprising films,

like you showed up in Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That was fun,

actually. Was that fun to do? He was actually orange, Arnold. He was

truly orange. I believe there are a lot of them about here, now. I blame

Simon Cowell. He was very nice. Very courtly in a way, Austrian and

courtly. Can he act? No, no, no. APPLAUSE

But he was very honest about that. Your new film, Saving Mr Banks, I've

seen it. It's just brilliant. Oh, thanks. So good. Thank you very

much. It opens next Friday, November 29. Yes. You're playing PL Travers

who wrote Mary Poppins. Tom hanks plays Walt Disney. Here are you at a

premiere. You see! I can't help it. LAUGHTER

I just can't, you know. Put the banana down. I thought these

would be good props for later. Lovely. They look good on you. Do

you want one, darling? Thank you. It's a story of getting Mary Poppins

to the screen, but also the story of where the Mary Poppins story came

from. Sort of thing, yes. How long had Disney been asking for the

rights? 20 years they asked and she was incredibly snobby, thought film

was rubbish, thought everything that Walt Disney had done was rubbish,

hated cartoons and hated Hollywood and didn't want Mary Poppins to be

turned into a pretty woman who sang, which is of course what happened.

She just was very attached to the character because she'd had a

horrible childhood and I think a lot of child authors have wounded

children inside that they're trying to help. Then there's this weird,

very 21st century paranoia about her in that she insisted that all the

meetings with the writers were taped. Yes, I had to listen to them.

It was like poking hot forks into my ears. It was endless. She was vile

to them and they hated her. They really did hate her. The existed

Sherman brother talks about how she was vile. She was. It's a

fascinating character to play. She's in the a wife or a mother. She's a

very powerful biddy who has turned up in Hollywood in a good pair of

shoes and gone "No, I think you're all rubbish. " To someone who got

everything he wanted all the time. It's a great clash of personalities.

If you go to watch the film, stay to the end, of course, you will... Yes,

do try and stay till the end. Stay to the end, Graham Norton. During

the end credits, they actually play some of the real tapes. We've got a

clip. This is from the movie, which opens next Friday, the 29th. This is

you working with the Sherman brothers and being objectionable.

Giver it a whir. What's happening? What are you doing? All right ladies

and gents, a poem suitable for the occasion, thought up before your

very eyes. All right, here we go. # A room here for everyone

# Gather around # Constables responstible... No,

responstible is not a word. We made it up. Well, unmake it up.

APPLAUSE It's really good.

Was Mary Poppins famous before that then, was it a hit before? Yeah,

yeah. Absolutely it was famous. That's a real perm by the way. Did

you have to walk around with that? I had to walk around with that for

months. We think it really suits you. You look better there.

I look like a baby woolly mammoth. There are parallels to Miss

Thompson's life in that you too have created a magical nanny, Nanny

McPhee. As my husband said, "You've written about a magical nanny and

now you're playing someone who has written a magical nanny. I wonder

behind every magical nanny there's a rancid, bitter, can tank Russ old

nag." To do that, to be in Nanny McPhee, how long does that take?

Slightly less long than it takes me to look like this.

APPLAUSE Upsettingly.

You're in Hollywood now, you're getting Oscars and things, do you

have to do things? What do you do to maintain the whole thing? Look at me

- I don't do anything. I'm normal. I wouldn't do anything really. You're

very lucky normal. It's psychotic having your body opened up by

someone and putting things into it. That's not psychotic, that's a

Saturday night. Injecting yourself with poison and opening your body up

to other people - come on. Can I get an eye lash off here. Go on then.

That's pretend. I think it's a lycra eye lash. Make a wish. You can wish

on lycra. Now Robbie, what are you singing later? I Wanna be Like You.

I know that's a duet. You're not singing alone. No, I'm not. I'm with

somebody I love very much. Can you sing, by the way? No, I can't. At

all? No. It's never stopped me. LAUGHTER

Mr Olly Murs! The song is from the new album, which is Swings Both

Ways. It's such a good title. A really good title. It's in shops and

on computers and things now. The songs, you wrote a lot of the songs

around the time that Ida was pregnant and after Teddy was born.

Do you have more of a sense of your legacy, what your daughter will

think of daddy? I think I'm quite an unconscious Persian! ? This is

daddy. Daddy is always going to be say first and think second. Sorry.

Yeah we were writing about the time she was born. I always see songs as,

certain songs that I write as being promise that's I make. I made one

promise to Ida on a promise on a song called I Won't Do That To You,

about not breaking her heart. As soon as I sung it that was sealed.

Then I wrote Go Gentle for Teddy, for all your days and nights I'm

going to be there. That's my seal and my promise. I was always... I've

been really self, a pop star since I was 16. I've of everything done for

me. I know relatively little. Now I have to look after this little

person. I was terrified I wouldn't be up to it. Dads really connect

with the song. More than any other song that I've ever done, people

stop in the cars, roll down the window. It feels like the song has

reached its destination, because dads look at me with that knowing

look in their eyes. I know they've got it. Was Teddy born here? Yes,

she was. You at the hello Teddy moment, for the birth? Yes, I was.

Down the business end? Yeah, I was. Well done. It was like my favourite

pub burning down. LAUGHTER

Very little tread left on that tyre. Have you rebuilt her? We haven't

bothered rebuilding it yet. Because there might be another one on the

way. We don't want to go about it twice.

I think best to live with the ruins for now. This feels like overhearing

something at a doctor's surgery. Which camera, sorry Ida! You have a

beautiful foo, yeah. LAUGHTER

Robbie. Radio last Saturday, and he was going, "I say things I shouldn't

on chat shows." I was going, "No, no, you'll be fine." I'm terrified

because I end up having to apologise to somebody or send a bunch of

flowers to somebody. Let me ask you this question: Have you ever

offended somebody and then sent them flowers? I've never sent flowers.

I've sent letters. Hand written? Yeah. How was it taken? Never really

heard again. I thought I'd done the right thing.

Same question for you? I've done terrible, terrible things. Flowers

is the way forward. Other-wise put dog sheet through the letter box.

The other way is to burn the bridge entirely and go, there's no coming

back from that. I offend entire cities and towns. I've offended the

Isle of Man. Arnold Schwarzenegger a few minutes ago. Constantly writing

letters. To the Isle of Man? Yes, I offended the Isle of Man. How?

Something about inbreeding. It wasn't, actually. I think it was

about whipping homosexuals on the beach or shooting Scotsmen or

something. I had to write a letter of apology. I got a nice letter back

from the council of the Isle of Man inviting me over. They might have

had something in mind. I imagine a wicker man on the beach waiting for

you. I was on stage, I can't remember where it was, Stuttgart, or

somewhere that Hitler had done all his speeches from, 80,000 people in

front of me and - yeah, right... Robbie, life in Nuremberg. It was

Nuremberg! It was! Go on. Any way, when you're having, when you're

singing, you can be singing, but also at the same time, having a bit

of dialogue with yourself, words come out, performance happens.

Sometimes when you're that comfortable you're going, check them

out, she's fit. Look at her boobs. She's seen you looking at the boobs,

it's OK, you're Robbie, she likes you. You're being baudy. This

particular time, 80,000 people in front of me. I'm singing Angels or

whatever it is, in the back of my mind I went, look at these lot, they

really like me. I really like them too. It's amazing, you know, because

we're brought up with the German thing and my grandma used to have a

Gerry under the bed that she peed in. Now look at all of these lot

loving me. I love them. It's fantastic here. I'll show them my

appreciation after I finish seeing this song. This is while I'm

singing. Angels finished and I go, # Goich utschland --

# Deutschland, Deutschland... # 80,000 people booed me.

It could have been worse if they'd gone, "Finally, a leader."

APPLAUSE An international incident nearly

occurred. Wow, wow, wow. Where would we be

without a sense of humour? Germany. Hopefully that won't happen later.

Even in the huge gigs you do, you do use the audience. In the Take the

Crown tour, there was one bit that you got someone on stage. You know

the bit I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. This was in Sweden, you found

a girl who had written a sign. You are so nice. You actually found her

and as luck would have it, a very pert bottom. That didn't go

unnoticed on the evening. Did she get the tattoo? I think she did. She

looked a bit like Kate Moss. She was gorgeous. Name Lone Martinsen. The

weird thing is that was in Sweden. But apparently she lives in Norway.

She got the tattoo and the other thing she has got is Skype. Oh. Let

me just call it up now. There she is! Hi!

APPLAUSE Is it Lone? You got it right.

There's Mr Williams, can you see him in the distance there? Hello,

darling, nice to see you again. Did you do it? Yeah, I got it on the day

after. Now, I feel a bit like Dr Christian in Embarrassing Bodies...

LAUGHTER If you'd like to ease your pants

down. This does not sound like the kind of

thing a BBC presenter should be saying.

APPLAUSE Do you mind showing us? No, OK. This

is like every webcam experience I've ever had. It's the other side. There

it is. ever had. It's the other side. There

it Lovely. Thank you very much. Bye darling, take care.

Bye. Well done.

APPLAUSE That is another level of fame.

That's a crazy level of fame. Is it true that you're very popular in

Norway, Jimmy? I don't think... I thought they bought your DVDs or

something? A lot of people that come to gigs here from all over Europe.

But they learn English through comedy DVDs. Because it's like if

you get the learn English books, they're dull. If you get the comedy

DVDs, you know whether you've understood it or not. If you laugh

at the end of the joke, you've got it. If you don't laugh, you go, I

have to watch again and look it up. Much excitement because Mr Jimmy

Carr has a new DVD out. It is called Laugh if -- Laughing and Joking.

It's very, very funny, but it is quite rude. Yeah, it's unacceptable

is what it is. I'd like to apologise to Robbie's wife. Here's my question

then: Given that it is very rude, why the hell have they asked you to

do the Royal Variety Show? The DVD is about two hours long and I have

to do six minutes on the royal variety and there are six minutes of

clean jokes for that show. It was a long phone conversation where they

went, "You can't say that. You obviously can't say that. That's the

worst thing in the world. I don't know why people would laugh at

that." Then we found a few minutes of jokes. The royal variety is fun

to do. Who is the royal this year? It's Charles. He can take a joke I

think. You have experience of it... Stop it! It's not the worse thing. I

got booked for the big Jubilee thing at the Palace. You did that. The big

thing outside the front of the Palace. I got there like five hours

early. They said security will be tough. It will be difficult to get

in. There was an armed police officer on the gates of Buckingham

Palace with a machine gun in case anyone tried to steal the Queen to

photocopy her head and make money, they told me to bring three forms of

ID, I walked up to the policeman armed with a gun and said, "I'm here

for the concert." He went, "Are you Al-Qaeda? I said no. He went, "Go on

then." That was it. He didn't even go, "Do you promise? Jimmy's DVD is

out now. We haven't found a clip we can show have we? We have. This is

dedicated to Ida. I don't understand the vajazzle. I

know what it is. They whip away your hair from your foo-foo and they

diamante it. I say get a pit stick and have a crack yourself. Have a

sparkly crack yourself. I don't know who that's for. I never met a man

who said, "I love vaginas, I wish they were a bit more zhooshy. A few

sparkles wouldn't go a miss. I want a glamour pus, a showbiz entrance."

APPLAUSE Let's get my final guests out here.

There must be a tear in the fabric of time because we have not one, but

two, doctors in the house. Please welcome Matt Smith and David

Tennant! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You guys shove down a little bit. They go there.

Good doctors. Sit. Hello. Hi. Banana? A bit of protein. Oh,

David... What? Your hair is so stupid. I like it.

LAUGHTER Nothing wrong with a plait down a

man's back. Are you playing Heidi at the moment? It's nice. Thank you. Is

it always in a plait or do you let it loose? It's for a play. I didn't

choose to do this for my private life. In the play, it is unleashed.

I unleash the beast. But the rest of the time, it's kept neatly back

there. All that bit is false as well? There's sticky bits up there.

That's on the whole time? That's it. This is my life. I saw pictures of

you, and you had less hair than that. This is on the way back. Yeah

I'm growing it back. Why did you you your hair? I did a film and I had to

shave it. Bald in a film. Oh! Is the thing about the musical of American

psycho is that true? Yeah I'm rehearsing it now. It's that soon?

Yeah, I go into tech next week. I have questions for you, Robbie,

about singing. I'm not the best for that.

We know why we're here, we're here to celebrate the 50th anniversary of

Doctor Who. Is that why we're here? ! I thought we were here to talk

about hair. Night BBC One, 7. 50pm. Maybe I'm naive, I knew Doctor Who

was a big deal here. I didn't know, this is nuts, it is being beamed

live in 3D to something like 80 countries. It's a global thing. I'm

glad I learned my lines. You're both in it? Yeah. Didn't you take his

job? I don't want to create an argument. I know you're the reason

he's growing his hair and in a play. That's part of the joy of Doctor Who

though. How could you both be in it? You have to tune in hand find out,

Jimmy! You're here right now and you could just tell us. When I heard

they were both in it. I thought Matt, I get it. You're contract

wally obliged. You're still Doctor Who. You didn't have to. Did you

jump at the chance? I'm an old whore, I'll turn up for anything.

There is a bit of a precedent in Doctor Who, down the years, on the

big anniversaries some of the old doctors have returned and shaken

hands with the current version. Was there an etiquette, oh, no, please

you. There was a bit of that on my TARDIS. "My TARDIS". David has his

TARDIS. And I had to ask if you - it sounds stupid - but if you wanted to

fly it. Do you want to do a bit of flying in this bit? You don't want

to be proprietorial. Surely there should only be one TARDIS? Yes, but

the TARDIS regenerates in the same way the doctor does. It's unique to

each doctor. Oh, I thought they just redecorated it. Well, they do. But

it's changed through time. When I was in the TARDIS, it looked

different to the one that Matt's in now. Matt knocked through. It looks

nice now. It's bigger. Things go round and yeah. I liked your TARDIS

though. Thanks. It's cool. Retro. Yours is lovely as well. Do you have

your own sonic screwdrivers. Yes. His is bigger than mine. Mine is

bigger. His has a bit that comes up the end and lights up. Basically,

you can't tell us anything about it, but we can watch a clip now. The

people at Doctor Who, very excisingly, have given us an

exclusive clip, which I imagine is going to be amazing and many plot

spoilers in it. If you don't want to know what happens, do look away.

This clip will probably reveal a vast amount.

400 years is that all it takes? I moved on. Where? Where can you be

now that you can forget something like that? Spoilers. No, no. For

once, I would like to know where I'm going. No, you really wouldn't.

APPLAUSE Well that explained everything! They

gave you a cracker there. Here's the thing, Whovians have come to London

to celebrate this amazing anniversary. I sound like I'm making

this up, but it's true. They really have. You're looking at me like

"really? Y?" . What we're doing is we are going to let some of those

people ask the two doctors questions, see if you can answer

them. They will need somewhere comfortable to sit to ask the

questions. So behold the red chair, ladies and gentleman.

Someone's travelled across Europe to sit in the red chair. Even Europe,

global. They have followed the TARDIS across the skies. Who's up

first? Hi. Hi. Was your name? David. Very good. Now I believe you are a

Doctor Who fan. I am. No, I really do believe it.

LAUGHTER They're not laughing at you, David.

David, is it a question to the doctors? Yeah, it's about the

episode. Please. Basically, during the filming and what was released,

there wasn't much seen of Billy Piper as Rose Tyler putting into

doubt how much involvement she had. During the trailer and the poster,

there are mentions of bad wolf and the moment. Of course. Can you tell

us about her involvement and how it weaves into the plot of the episode?

Nothing. LAUGHTER

If he wants to see more of Billy piper, Secret Diary Of A Call Girl

is what he wants. Hello. Hello. Oh, my God! He looks more like you than

you do. That's where your hair went. What's

your name? Matt. No!No! ! Made yourself look like

Matt Smith? No, I think I was born this way.

Where do you live? Bristol. So close to car differ. Yes. -- Cardiff. Yes.

Do you have a question? In the clip that was shown David Tennant wears

the Fez, I was wondering any more hats were involved and did you get

the Fez on John Hurt? Sorry, Matt. Sorry buddy.

If you stood face to face, you would look like a vase. Have you seen him

before? No. Who's next? Oh, there's one.

LAUGHTER One more. Hi. Hole re. What's your

name? Stefan. Where are you from? Los Angeles. Have you known in for

this? Yeah, I did. I've been flying around the world, not to outdo the

girl earlier, I've been working on a Doctor Who tattoo and I've been

having all the doctors sign my arm and have it tattooed over the idea

to get them all. Oh, Christ. Since we're talking about it. Hold on. Did

I sign your arm at come con. I ambushed you in a hotel lobby. I

said be careful because I was drunk. You did it? Matt is here and then

sill vester McCoy is here and Peter Davidson. I'm missing David. We have

a spot specifically for you to sign. OK. What's your name again? Stefan.

Someone will show you how to get into the studio. Run in quick,

quick, quick. Leave your jacket. Tell him about Lone, maybe he could

sign it somewhere else. Oh, yes! We've had a lady, why not a man.

I'm just saying. . Come on in. Now this is David Tennant. Nice to meet

you. You too. Nice to see you again. Where did you get all this stuff? I

was in Debenhams. I have to go in here? That was made for you. Mr

Jimmy Carr wants to ask you a question. What do you think it's

going to be nice to touch a girl? I'm married to the Dalek.

Of course you are! Good answer.

I don't want to go over the lines. That's OK. I'm kind of nervous.

Beautifully done. Thank you David. Well done, Sir.

APPLAUSE Now, Robbie, do you want to go and

get ready with the band. Yes, please. There he goes.

The day of the doctor is tomorrow night at 7. 50pm and around the

world in 3D. Do not miss it. Now time for music, Robbie, are you

ready? I'm ready, mate. OK and it is a duet. I believe you

have a singing partner. He's my showbiz brother, please go wild for

Mr Olly Murs! APPLAUSE

# I'm the King of the swingers. # Oh, the jungle VIP.

# I've reached the top and I had to stop.

# And that's what botherin' me. # I wanna be a man, mancub.

# And stroll right into town. # And be just like them other men

I'm tired of monkeyin' around. # Oh, oobee doo.

# I wanna be like you. # I wanna walk like you.

# Talk like you, too. # You'll see it's true.

# An ape like me. # Can learn to be human too.

# Now don't try to kid me, mancub. # I made a deal with you.

# What I desire is man's red fire. # To make my dream come true.

# Now, give me the secret, mancub. # C'mon, clue me what to do.

# Give me the power of man's red flower.

# So I can be like you. # Oh, oubee doo.

# I wanna be like you. # I wanna walk like you.

# Talk like you, too. # You'll see it's true.

# An ape like me. # Can learn to be human too.

# Come on. # Skippedooooo.

# Skippedoooay. # Oh.

# Now I'm the King of the swingers oh.

# The jungle VIP. # I've reached the top and had to

stop. # Coz that's what botherin' me.

# I wanna be a man, mancub. # And stroll right into town.

# Be just like the other men. # We're tired of monkeyin' around!

# Swing to the left, # swing to the right.

# Put your hands up if you're lovin' life.

# Rob I'm lovin' life. # I'm lovin' life Olly.

# Oh? I'm lovin' life yeah. # Swing to the left,

# swing to the right. # Put your hands up if you're

feelin' nice. # Feelin' nice.

# Feelin' nice, yeah. # Oh, oobee doo.

# I wanna be like you. # I wanna walk like you.

# Talk like you, too-oo-oo. # You'll see it's true.

# An ape like me. # Can learn to be like someone like

you, yeah. # Can learn to be like someone like

you. # Oh can learn to be like someone

like? you! # Yeah.

# I want to be like you, you know # # Of course you do, Ollie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mr Robbie Williams and Olly Murs!

Fantastic. That's it for this week. Thank you to my guests, Olly Murs

and Robbie Williams! Mr Jimmy Carr, Emma Thompson, Matt Smith, and David

Tennant. Join me next week with music from Arcade Fire, Jeremy

Clarkson, Jo Brand, Sharon Osbourne and Hollywood heartthrob, Colin

Farrell. See you then, good night everybody, bye-bye.