Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language. A top of the range Irish

model, sexy exterior, looks good with the top down and ladies believe

me, it will be the smoothest ride of your life. Let's start the show.

Hello! APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello! Thank you very much. You're very kind. Ladies and

gentleman, we have got a packed sofa tonight. Irish actor turned

Hollywood star, Colin Farrell is here! I know. Top Gear favourite,

Jeremy Clarkson is on the show everybody! Brilliant comic Jo Brand

is here! Showbiz legend, Sharon Osbourne is joining us, ladies and

gentleman! And providing the music all the way from Canada, the

fantastic Arcade Fire. APPLAUSE

Great to have Colin Farrell bark on the show, star of so many great

movies, like Phone Booth, and here he is in an early role. Men stripped

off in the jungle, always macho, hey?

I would sooner east a kangaroo testicle.

Colin starred in the film version of the American show Miami vice. Here

he is as Crockett and here is his partner, Tubbs. No, he's not. There

they are together. Not everyone looks that good in a sports car, no.

I'm a big fan of Top Gear. I do love the star in a reasonably priced car.

They have all sorts of celebrities. They even asked me. They did. I'm

very, very busy. So I sent my dog Madge.

You may laugh, honestly, she was doing OK until she saw a squirrel.

Jarm yip's not just -- Jeremy is not just mad about cars, he loves

cycling. It's very popular nowadays. Even David Cameron does it. David

Cameron, you are our Prime Minister, why aren't you riding with a helmet?

Oh, my mistake, you are. Let's get some guests on. Later on

music with Arcade Fire. First, she's my favourite brand of comic, it's Jo

Brand. APPLAUSE

In a gown. Hello darling. Sit yourself down. It's Jeremy Clarkson!

Here he is. I'm here. Hello, Sir.

How are you? I'm very well, have a seat, Sir, do. She's got the X

Factor, it's Sharon Osbourne. APPLAUSE

My Irish eyes are smiling, it's Colin Farrell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So nice to see you. You too.

A warm welcome to everyone. I'm not normally nervous when I do this

show, but I look at that couch and think - trouble! If I were a

teacher, I would not seat you together. Why? Jo and Jeremy, did

you have beef at some point? Well a small beef. Do you remember years

ago... Don't remind him. Oh, I do remember, yes. A talent dinner. Ha,

ha, talent, me! Some TV exec, went round the table, Jeremy was opposite

me and said let's start with you Jo, how would you improve the BBC. And I

said, "Sack Jeremy Clarkson." I did it for a laugh. I said I'd pan all

jokes about tap upons which would mess you up. You're good now? We're

fine. Sharon, I think we immediate you feud free, you have no beef. No,

no, no. Only positive energy into the universe. Very good. It's scary

the way you say that. I'm not feeling the positive energy. I'll

make you feel better. Gaga was the last one. The gardener?

The GaGa. I like my gardener. No, she's lovely. And are you

getting on OK with Simon now, that's all good? I never see him, so he's

fine. Colin Farrell, you're just Zen now, calm, lovely Colin now. No? You

live in a happy place. There's a lot to talk about tonight. You have

movie, a book, aI DVD. But we begin down the end with Jo, who ladies and

gentleman, is our first and possibly only official panto guest, yes, Jo

Brand... APPLAUSE

It's Aladdin. It is. Weirdly I'm not Aladdin. Who are you? I am the

Jeanie of the ring, cue many jokes about Spinkers. -- sfinkers to. --

sphincters. Apparently there are two genies, I didn't realise that. Who

else is in it? Is that Flawless? Do you know Flawless? That was a bit

lukewarm. It's pressure to put yourselves under to call yourself

Flawless. Who are they playing? Wait for this, they're playing the Peking

police force. LAUGHTER

Where is it? Yeah, can we get tickets? Where is it? This is

exactly why I came here. It's in Wimbledon from December 6 to January

12. The role you play, the last time this production was done, it was

played by Pamela Anderson. Yes, who bases a lot of her act on me,

actually. There's Pamela Anderson in her p costume. Here's you in your

costume. Are you singing and dancing? After a fashion.

Is it one of those pantos where you do pop songs or traditional songs?

We do a mixture of pop songs and traditional songs. What are you

giving us? I'm not giving a pop song or a traditional song, at one point

I go, # If I were not upon the stage

something else I'd rather be # If I were not upon the stage, a

pole dancer I'd be # APPLAUSE

I love it. You've given it away now. That was my suggestion, they vetoed

it. Because of children. That woman doesn't really look like a pole. Or

a dancer. Indeed. How does the couch feel about pantos? Where I live,

there's an amazing theatre and they put on a fantastic panto every year.

We were discussing it at work the other day because Richard Hammond is

the sort of person who you know he's going to end up as Buttons. He is

going there ultimately. Talking of being in panto, Sharon, you have

given... I did tremendous work as a child, you know. You did. It was

Cliff Richard, you were with him? Yes and Frank Guyfield. You? I was

magnificent as a pigeon. Where was this? At the palladium. Yes. Wow.

I've had my time in the theatre. You trained at the Gaiety. Were you in

the pantos? No. I don't think they're affiliated. No, I never got

the call for panto, no the yet but Christmas is coming up, and I'm not

working. True, fingers crossed. Robe Jo's sphincter... I have a slot free

time. I could say, "I could be a lad in." Zing! With your bean stalk.

Leave it. Leave it. Hey, we must mention... I've heard

it's more of a salami. I'm not interested.

That's because you're bloody boring, love.

Liven up a bit. I'm shutting this down. Jo Brand, we

must celebrate the fabulous Getting On, which is now in America. It is.

It's slightly upped the glamour combota. -- quota. Were you wined

and dined by Hollywood agents? No, I didn't go over there. What, they're

making your show and you didn't go? That's right. The cheque can come by

post. Have you ever been? To America? No. It's fun. Is that

illegal? No. So ignorant, Jo. I am ignorant, Colin, but that's why

people like me. There are places in the world that I'd rather go than

America. Like? All of them. Every single country in the world is

better than America. Burma and the Ukraine, both of which

are one billion times better than the United States.

Now, talking of acting, Colin Farrell you've acted with some

amazing people over the years. Couple of times. Even when you were

young, you seemed unintimidated. There's a story of working with

Bruce Willis, you were quite to his face. That was intimidating finding

a very loud voice. I was cheeky with him. Was it a courtroom scene? Yeah,

when he had trouble with that word? Yeah. He was playing the trial judge

advocate, I was the defence for the accused. I stood up and with great

overacting zeal said, "Objection your honour." He looked at me and

went "line". I heard from the monitor, "Overruled"

"Overruled" I said to him that day, I said you better go home and have

an early night because you have a word to learn tomorrow. To which he

responded, "Fuck you, Irish." Better news. Your new film, Saving Mr Banks

opens tonight across the country. There's great people in it. We spoke

to Emma Thompson last week. Lovely Emma. She's gorgeous. Like you're in

a different - well you are in a different film. You play her father.

I play her father in flashback. We shot it in two weeks. The scenes are

dropped throughout the story, as her upbringing is coming to the fore of

her memory. We all assumed the woman who wrote Mary Poppins, we assumed

she was born in Britain. No she was born in Australia. She had a fairly

traumatic upbringing. When she was 20 she left Australia and redesigned

herself and became the quintessential British woman of

education and of class and dignity. I think it's interesting because

it's a Disney movie and you're not the greatest dad in the world in the

film. Not really, no. The film doesn't judge him. You're not the

villain of the piece. No he's just a raging alcoholic who can't get his

life together and suffers from an awful affliction of Mel collie and

-- melncholy and affliction. There's no good-guy, bad-guy in this one. It

was a sad part of the story. It's kind of where the Mary Poppins story

comes from. Absolutely, what she did and what a lot of artists do, I

imagine whether they're painting or writing music or whatever it may be,

you channel every experience in your life in various way. What she did

with Mary Poppins is she gave the children in that book a chance with

their father that she never had. That's why she was so protective of

the material. She never wanted Waters Disney to -- Waters Disney to

-- Walt Disney to put his saccharin hands all over it. This is you and

Travers, her father. It's you trying to make the best of a bad lot and

start again. Everybody ready? Yes. See you soon, Katie Nana. Take care,

love. Everybody ready. Walking bus, left, right, left, right. Thank you.

Left, left, left, right, left. One, two, three, new town, new job, new

bank, new life. Come on, my little ducklings.

APPLAUSE It's really good.

It's a really sweet film. Now you've got your own two little boys now. I

do. You're trying to get them into Disney? Into the park? They've been

banned of course. No, yeah the films. We're doing the back log.

We're going back to lady and the tramp and 101 Dalmations. Are they

liking them? Yeah, my little son can't stop singing

# We are Siamese, if you please # They'd love the Peking police, love

it. Sharon, in your book, in terms of

parenting mistakes, there is a brilliant photograph where you left

Ozzy holding the baby. LAUGHTER

I love that picture. Is that Jack? Actually, it is.

Yes. He looks terrified. Even the baby knows - this isn't right. This

is not the way it's meant to be. No. I mean, there were times, children's

parties, I'm going to the ladies room, come out and I hear all this

screaming and Ozzy had rammed about 15 kids into the garden shed. He was

doing that face in the shed and that was him entertaining the children.

Jeremy, dad of three, are you like a really embarrassing father? Only

when I speak. Or move. Or be in the same as them. Yeah, can

you imagine how awful it would be to wake up knowing I was your father.

Because your eldest girl, is she 18 now? 19. There must be gentlemen

caller? There's a current very strong gentleman caller who is from

Dublin. Yeah. They love him. Exactly. She's loved up. So she's

very happy. Are you very happy or is that weird? Well, of course, it's

weird. She was in a pram eight minutes ago. Now she has a

boyfriend. But the thing is, I'm supposed to hate him. I always said

you can bring anyone you like home, as long as they don't have a

motorcycle. If they have a motorcycle I shall set fire to it.

And if he buys another one, I shall set fire to that. They won't go on

motorcycles. That was the bare bones of it. He doesn't have a motorcycle.

He doesn't drive. He hasn't got a clue who I am. He's in a band. He's

tremendous. They're a sweet couple. It's great. Don't you find if that

person makes them happy, you're happy. She is plainly happy when

he's around. That's tremendous news. I adore my children as everybody in

the world does. Right answer, yeah. It would be controversial if you

went, "Nah, they're all right." You were relatively old to become a mum.

I was 43 when I had my first child, yes. Weren't there embarrassing

incidents, well moments. Quite a few times I wasn't actually taken to be

their mother but a slightly older relative. We took my daughter Eliza,

when she was six, she hurt her eye and we took her to A This junior

doctor came in and young Australian guy and started explaining

everything to my friend, who was with me, then he turned to me and

went, "And what does Nan think? Unsurprisingly Nan thought he was a

twat. APPLAUSE

Now. That happens a lot actually. Now, very quickly, Colin, you're not

just a very responsible dad now. You're also very into the fitness,

is yoga you're mad on now? Yeah, mad on it.

I love it. Seriously. I know. I came in here and looked for a mat. I love

it. I do it every day. For how long? An hour. Do you do it by yourself or

does someone tell you what to do? Someone tells me and a group of

people, strangers in a room. Is it not embarrassing? No. OK. Not when

I've done the things I've done, which are highly embarrassing.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Oh, you saw that, huh? Yeah, several times.

I love Sharon. That's the worst thing about making a sex tape is

that you can't blame anyone about the bad dialogue.

LAUGHTER Who are you to bring that up. Now

the salami thing has greater... I saw it all!

Listen... Yoga. Yeah, yoga. Positions. So here's the thing, in

terms of fitness, I don't know if our LA contingent are aware of this

man, he's called Craig ramsy. Do you know him? He's come up with these,

basically, in our busy lifestyle... Is he the silence? There was silence

after you said his name. Who is he? That's what I'm going to tell you

now. He's a fitness expert and he's come up with these workouts you can

do in five minutes and it doesn't matter what you're doing. In the

office, you can work out. These are just ways of burning calories. Why

walk to the printer when you can grape vine. Left in front, left

behind. LAUGHTER

Work out in the shower. You know when you have a manicure,

pedicure? Finishing off with grace and style. Even in the car wash.

If they're detailing that car, light touches.

LAUGHTER He's brilliant, I just wonder, does

he have an app. We've been in touch with him to see if there were easy

exercises we could do in a chat show formation. Can I say, I'm a bit

worried I might have a stroke. I'm just saying that in case I die on

television. I love my husband and I love my kids and goodbye.

I'm having an aneurysm just thinking about it. You can get a refund for

the Wimbledon theatre. Right now, he's on Skype now.

Amazing. Hello. Hi? Hello Graham! Hi am -- hi.

APPLAUSE We've been loving your exercises so

far. Have you come up with ones we can do on the show without people

noticing, just quickly? Let me explain the exercise I'm going to

give you today. Can anyone else not hear him? We can all hear him, you

have had a stroke. APPLAUSE

Do you have an exercise for the couch? Absolutely, let's bring our

booty to the front of that couch. I have no idea what you're talking

about. Your arse. Come on Sharon, lean back a little bit, hold on for

dear life, lift up those legs nice and high for me.

For my good girl and naughty girl lift.

I love you. You are amazing. You are a naughty, naughty girl, man. You

know you haven't been to America... Thank you very much.

Bye. Right, now Sharon, you look amazing.

You look fabulous. Thank you. APPLAUSE

You've been very forth coming in saying that you've had help along

the way. Oh, darling, a lot. A lot. Me too. I can tell. Whatever you've

had done it's good. It's worked. Yes, I hope. You know what I mean,

sometimes people look terrible. But you don't look terrible. If you've

had done -- work done really. ? What was the worst procedure? Having my

vagina tightened. It was the worst. Did you really? It was just

excruciating. What did that entail? Look at the face. What did that

entail? I'll show you later. In fairness Sharon, it's only

fair... I've had my vagina tightened. I did it at home with a

Singer sewing machine. In between having surgery, Sharon

has managed to write a book. I did it while I was recuperating, because

you can't move, you see, not for a while. So I read, this is your life

since 2007. I think oh, well not that much could have happened. Oh,

my God! So much has happened to you since 2007. You packed it in in that

time. Before we talk about it, you and Ozzy, you're fine now. Yes, yes.

It's all good now. Which is great, I'm so pleased. You've been on the

show and talked about your marriage. My God it has been tumultuous. It's

been a long time. When you've known someone 40 years and then been with

them 33, a lot happens in everyone's life. You tried to run him over. He

was drunk. He didn't mean it.

All these things have happened. And he can't remember it.

She's had her vagina tightened. If that's not love. ... I don't know

what it! You got through all this stuff and then, on your 30th

anniversary, it all fell apart. Yeah. What was it, just that he

relapsed, that you couldn't. He had relapsed and it was the combination

again of the drugs and the drink and it was like, oh, no not again, I've

got ten minutes left and am I going to spend it like this, you know? He

moved out. It was over. Yeah. I moved out, yeah. And then, how did

you come back together again? Because, it was down to him. He did

what he was supposed to do, which is work a 12-step programme and stay

clean and sober and that's what he does. So therefore, when you're

using, you know, you don't know what you're doing. You become a monster.

He stopped because he realised what he was going to lose. Not just me,

but everything he would have lost. I've seen you together, I cannot

imagine Ozzy without you. Do you know, he says we're like bread and

butter. That's what we are. We fit together so perfectly. We're as one.

We're a team. It's 40 years. It's like, and the hardest thing I ever

had to do was to walk away. But I knew if I stayed, it would have

carried on. He would have stayed clean maybe a week, two, and then it

would have, oh, she's out, all right, she'll never know I've just

drunk a bottle of vodka. She won't know. That's how it goes. When did

you sell all his cars? When I found out that he was driving drunk. I

just sold every car he had. APPLAUSE

Because it's not him, it's everybody else. So as soon as I heard that, it

was like, right, nobody has a car. Get him a pair of roller skates. Let

him get up a hill with those. I think everyone is delighted that you

are back together. You're right, you do seem to, you know, we like you

together. You seem to have mellowed. We don't hear stories about the

Tiffany boxes being sent any more. No, you just get past all of that.

Can I ask, did they have poo in them? Yes. Really? Yes. My God. If

Sharon didn't like you, then you would get a Tiffany box. You would

have to open it, even if it stank. You have to open a Tiffany box. You

do that white satin ribbon, open it up and there's one of Jack's

towereds, it -- turds, it was brilliant. He used to say to me,

"Mummy, why do you make me poo in a box? I'm just like, "Behave, Jack,

keep shitting." APPLAUSE

The home spun wisdom. Oh, yes. Television has changed, hasn't it?

You're not shy with an opinion. How badly has it back fired? How bad

have reactions been? Oh, shocking. I had to punch peers Morgan. I --

Piers Morgan. I broke my finger on him. If I don't get a round of

applause on that... APPLAUSE

Were you drunk? I'd just come off call my combluf. -- bluff. I thought

he is a waste of blood and organs that man. My best was I got pied.

Have you ever had a custard pie in your face, when she got me, it was a

bloody good shot, about you she put too much sugar in it. It was a

banoffee pie. That was quite kind. Who is she? An environmentalist. She

didn't like me. I had a better bunch of environmentalists recently who

threw horse crap into my rose bed as a protest. That's handy. Thank you.

Well, thanks a lot. You've made my roses fantastic. I'm going to drive

my Range Rover a bit more and they can throw a bit more. Being

environmentalists they might have known. And then shoving a rather

delicious, if rather over sugared custard pie in my face. I spend most

of my life being beaten up. It is Christmas and sure enough, there's a

new Top Gear DVD in the shops. Unbelievable, isn't it (! ) It's a

surprise for everybody. This one is called the Perfect Road

Trip. What's the idea? I remember coming up with it, we were on a

mountain side in the Himalayas, told, miserable and sleeping in a

tent. My pillow was full of gravel. We said wouldn't it be fun to drive

from Venice to somewhere in the south of France, driving nice cars

and stay in nice hotels. So we did. There's no suffering as such. Well a

bit, I did rally driving. You've done that. I have. It's terrifying.

Unimaginable horror. We have a clip. It's all very sunshine, palm trees,

gorgeous, but you get to France and the weather turns.

Hammond, do I have to do this? Yeah. It's my thing today and this is what

we're doing. So to show what a good sport I am, I obliged. Oh, God. Oh,

that hurts. So, discomfort... Oh, that's horrible! Danger. Misery.

Cold. Swivelling around at 21mph. Oh, no! I've just had a brown

shower. That really was the final straw.

APPLAUSE It looks terrible. Have you done

that before? Rally driving? Yes. Anyone who can do that is a witch.

Could you do it? I'm not saying you're a witch, but I presume you

couldn't do it? I am a bloody witch. Could I do what? Rally driving. I

have my international rally driving license. Have you? I have. We have a

picture of you. Keep yourself entertained. When you're behind the

wheel do you suffer from road rage? Erm...... Yeah. Yeah, don't you? No.

You do, Jeremy. No, never. You tweet about it. No, well I just put their

number plates on Twitter. Who was the cab driver you had? I was

getting a cab back from a gig in Hackney, we were at the traffic

lights. This car hit us up the arse. Then just drove off because that's

how it works in Hackney, apparently. The cab driver turned to me and he

said the words that I'd been wanting to hear my whole life. "Do you mind

if we chase him, love? That's brilliant. We had a car chase in

Hackney for half an hour. It was brilliant. Really fast, wrong way up

one-way streets. Sadly, we lost this car and he goes, oh, I'll have to

drive you back to south London. 150 quid that cab cost me.

APPLAUSE OK. It is time to some music, before

we hear the stories in the big red chair, performing their latest

single from the international number one album, ladies and gentleman, it

is Arcade Fire. # Afterlife, oh my God, what an

awful word. # After all the breath and the dirt

and the fires are burnt. # And after all this time, and after

all the ambulances go. # And after all the hangers-on are

done hanging on to the dead lights # Of the afterglow.

# I've gotta know. # Can we work it out?

# We scream and shout 'till we work it out.

# Can we just work it out? # Scream and shout 'till we work it

out? # 'Till we work it out, 'till we

work it out. # 'Till we work it out, 'till we

work it out. # Afterlife, I think I saw what

happens next. # It was just a glimpse of you, like

looking through a window. # Or a shallow sea.

# Could you see me? # And after all this time.

# It's like nothing else we used to know.

# After all the hangers-on are done hanging on to the dead lights.

# Of the afterglow. # I've gotta know.

# Can we just work it out? # Scream and shout till we work it

# But you say. # Oh.

# When love is gone. # Where does it go?

# And you say. # Oh.

# When love is gone. # Where does it go?

# And where do we go? # Where do we go?

# And after this. # Can it last another night?

# After all the bad advice. # Had nothing at all to do with

life. # I've gotta know. Out

# Can we work it out # Scream and shout till we work it

out # Can we just work it out?

# Scream and shout till we work it out.

# And you say # Oh

# When love is gone # Where does it go? And you say

# Oh. # When love is gone

# Where does it go? # Oh.

# We know it's gone, but where did it go?

# Oohhh. # We know it's gone, but where did

it go? # Where do we go?

APPLAUSE Arcade Fire! Come and join us, do.

Hello, Sir, thank you very much. Shove up. Hi everyone. Good evening.

Win and Will, very good. New single off the new album Reflektor. It's

done so well, number one everywhere. You are the representatives of

Arcade Fire. Yeah, it's like we've landed on foreign shores, you send

the representatives... To make peace. I think Sharon is our leader.

I'm designating you. You've been doing some Giggs here. You were in

Blackpool? Yes. All the hot spots. I tell you.

They made a fake tower in Paris that looks just like a tower in

Blackpool. Crazy. I love Arcade Fire because you put on a show. So many

bands don't bother. Look at you, you've dressed up and painted your

face and everything. I did this so I can sleep during interviews.

Tips you should have learned everyone.

Thank you very much for coming in. Thank you for having us It sounded

great. Before we go, time for a story in the red chair. Who be

there? Hello! Hi. Don't look stressed. It's all fine. Lettuce.

-- What's your name? Lettuce. APPLAUSE

That's a stupid name. You'd change it. Ridiculous. Who's next now that

we've tossed the lettuce - ha, tossed the lettuce! Ha, ha, ha. I

just thought of it. Hello. Hi, what's your name? Nathan. Fine. What

do you do? Sales. What do you sell? I sell holidays. Ah, so you're like

a travel agent? LAUGHTER

Thanks for detailing it. Off you go with your story. I'm quite a big

Clarkson fan actually. So basically, I like going out for drives. One day

I thought, it would be nice to go to the Cotswolds and I went to

Clarkson's house and just drove up and down a few times trying to see

him and I didn't. That man's a stalker! Stalking me.

It is annoying if people do it to you. Did he throw horseshit into my

garden? In which case he can go on the chair again. Who's next? Sheila.

Hello. How are you? Very well, thank you. Very good. What do you do? I'm

a health promotion officer. So many interesting jobs tonight. I can get

you doing exercise like you were talking about. Can we see your

naughty girl? I will be getting my legs in the air.

Sheila, off you go with your tale. One of your guests invited my

daughter to a Hallowe'en party when she was about 13. So you have this

vision of apple bobbing and spiders, so off we go and there's security

guards and dogs and big black hands blown up ten foot either side of the

front door. You go in the house and there's ghouls and ghosts. .

Daughter was terrified. Then vision, cue the music and out of the ghouls

and monsters comes a nun, does anybody recognise me? Is that you?

Yes. It was Sharon. It's another stalker. Why were you invited to her

party? Because our kids were at school together. Our kids played

together. Well done, it was dull. APPLAUSE

It wasn't really a story at all. Well done everyone. If you'd like to

join us and have a go in the big red chair, you can contact us on our

website. Thank you to my guests tonight, Arcade Fire! Jo Brand!

Jeremy Clarkson! Sharon Osbourne! And Colin Farrell! Join me next week

with pop legend, Sir Cliff Richard, composer Andrew LLoyd-Webber,

comedian Harry Hill, bake-off Queen, Mary Berry and actor Daniel

Radcliffe. See you then everybody, bye-bye.