Episode 8 The Graham Norton Show

Daniel, your cake is delicious. Thank you. But Harry, I'm not so

sure about yours. The filling has gone right off.

Well... Charming. Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Hello. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Tonight we have all your favourite stars. Top actor,

Daniel Radcliffe is here, ladies and gentlemen.

TV Burp star, Harry Hill is on the show!

The Queen of all baking, Mary Berry is here!

Plus, later in the show, we have one Lord aleaping, Andrew Lloyd Webber

is here. And, steady, ladies, we'll have music and chat from the legend

that is Sir Cliff Richard, ladies and gentlemen!

Ooooo... Sorry you are hungover now, aren't

you? ! Cliff will be performing a track from his new album which is,

ladies and gentlemen, his 100th album. He's got 100 albums. I know.

That is an achievement, that is. In true rock'n'roll style, Cliff

celebrated by trashing his hotel room. Yes, he did, yes. See, see,

look. See. He put the cushion back all wonky, do you see. It's off

centre. He's mad, he's wild. Left a huge tip though, yes. Looking

forward to seeing Andrew Lloyd Webber again. He recently brought

back wizard of Oz back to the stage. I helped him find a Dorothy, but the

scare crow, ladies and gentlemen, where's he going to find someone you

really believe when they sing if I only had a brain?

LAUGHTER The search is over.

Andrew will be talking about his new musical, Stephen Ward, all about the

Profumo affair in the '60s where a call girl had an affair with a

Cabinet Minister. Why not? Members of the Cabinet are so sexy, right? !

Right? I'm guessing lights on is extra!

So, I'm delighted to welcome the wonderful Harry Hill. He's written a

new musical. I wonder whose will be best, Harry Hill's or Andrew Lloyd

Webber's? Only one way to find out! Wouldn't you love it if that

actually happened. Harry's musical is all about The X Factor, called I

Can't Sing and will feature Simon Cowell. Wonder what it will sound

like (Kerching)

Got to feed that baby! Always a pleasure to welcome film

star Daniel Radcliffe back to the show. He's not just done films, oh

no, he's also appeared in a musical. Looking good!

Cliff's appeared in a musical. Looking good.

Even I've appeared in a musical. Hey... Oh!

Let's get our guests on. Harry Hill.

Hello, Sir. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Creator of Food Glorious Food, Mary Berry. There you are. Hello!

There you go. Mary, Harry. And Daniel Radcliffe!

Hi. APPLAUSE

Sit, sit, sit. You look so smart. What a smart guy.

I say smart. Daniel. What's going on? Yes. We should probably address

my hair, yes. This is what my head looks like now. I'm seeing it on the

screen for the first time. Don't look! I'm filming Frankenstein at

the moment and playing Egor and this is what his hair looks like. That's

not your hair is it? No, it's extensions. Mary is all over you

like a rash. Grooming you like a monkey.

She did have a play around backstage actually. Can we change the subject,

please? ! LAUGHTER

Mary Berry, we've been out here for how long, about 30 seconds probably,

so I think it's time. So, Harry, Mary and Harry. Thank you very much.

So, Mary, what have you brought us? I've brought you nothing.

Well, I forgot to buy your book! Nothing? ! I haven't brought you a

cake today. Reminds me, I've bought... Would you

mind signing for my mum, your book? Most certainly. To Jan. Does she

bake? Well, yes. She actually baked our wedding cake when I married my

wife. Oh. I Saimaried, we haven't got the papers through from the

Philippines yet, but she did bake it. To Jan, keep trying. I mean keep

baking. She baked this wedding cake and phoned me and said, how's the

wedding cake going on and she said I baked it and it split in two in the

oven which is not great. Oh, dear. You can always put them together

again, no-one will know when the icing goes on top. She put some

chopsticks in and filled the gap with fudge. Sounds delicious.

Thank you. That'll make her day. This is a proper, real pen. Very

good and posh. Thank you for the compliment and the pen, but we are

still married. It's been three weeks now. Lovely. Harry Hill, obviously

known from TV Burp, but he's here tonight, not as a TV star, but a

movie star! Yes, I'm going to be a big movie star, Daniel! Is there

room for one more? Always. You are in a movie called the Harry Hill

Movie? Yes, we agonised for a long time. We did quite a few ideas for

what to call it, you know. It's a bit route one, the movie. In the

end, we had a competition with the team, the crew, as we couldn't

really come up with something. We said, if anyone can come up with a

better title than that, they would win ?100, Mary. Look at the face.

That's a lot. The entries we got, a lot were rude. No! Yes. The crew,

basically an anonymous ballot. One was slaphead goes on holiday. One

was just, the catering's crap. The Harry Potter titles were all Harry

Potter and what the thing was about. That's what we were thinking. Your

fans, that makes it clear. Do you think I'll be all right, Mary? I do.

Now, Daniel Radcliffe, what we love about you, you've done such a great

job of choosing stuff. You have been so busy and made a great choice of

the new movie, Kill Your Darlings. It's fantastic. Thank you. You

should be proud of yourself. It's a true story and you would think we'd

know the story and yet we don't. Tell us why? I play Alan in a film,

he goes to Colombia and meets lieus yen who was a founder member of the

beat movement that no-one's heard of and after Alan fell madly in love

with him, Lucien murdered an older man who he was in love with and it's

about how that murder helped to form the beat generation in a way and it

was suppressed, this story, for the best part of 06 years by Lucien who,

when you see the film, will understand why he wanted the story

suppressed. I'm guessing you were offered the part but you didn't say

yes -- 60 years? When you are copping out of a big franchise, your

name carries a certain amount of value to it for reasons other than

acting and I wanted to make sure the direct director wanted me for the

right reasons. I asked to audition, he saw me and didn't hate me so I

got the part. It's so weird talking to you with that hair. We are all

getting used to it together tonight. I feel like saying, what pretty eyes

you have. More people are thinking that, I'm not thinking what I

thought when I first had it done which was, I look like a young

Charles Manson. Good for Egor! Yes. The decadent side of New York here

in the film. Here is a clip. What do you hate in the pit of your

gut? Institutions. You are an extraordinary man. Why,

thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Outside of the murder element of the story, what I loved was that! That

thing of going to college and thinking things for the first time

and finding your tribe and stuff? Yes, absolutely. It struck me

watching it that, of course, you missed out on that? I didn't go to

university in that sense but I do feel like I very much found my tribe

tribal thing when I fell into the film industry. I was suddenly

somewhere new and felt like I belonged for the first time. But

it's about these guys who went to university and have that moment that

a lot of people have when they go to university and want to change the

world and do great things and the great thing about these guys is they

actually did. That's the difference between everyone else's life and

theirs. LAUGHTER

It's true! It's nothing that somebody else couldn't do

necessarily. Wow, you can chill red wine!

Some people do go back. Even Emma went back and Natalie Portman. Would

you Dover that? I bet you would love university? A lot of people say that

to me, but I love filming, I love film sets and being on them and

doing plays or whatever, I love my job, so it would mean taking time

out of that. Maybe there'll come a time when I don't like my job as

much, but I can't see that happening. I love it, make no bones

about it. It's like that kid's dream coming true? I got an amazing job on

something I love doing and it's sort of like every job I do I think, is

somebody going to stop me from doing this one day because that would be

terrible. I would say in mitigation, the price you are paying is the

hairment -- hair. APPLAUSE

Harry, you are a bit of a geek. Harry, this isn't a joke, you are a

fully qualified doctor? Yes, I haven't done it for a long time,

but... Yes. I am. A medical doctor? Yes, I was a doctor for a couple of

years. Would you bump into consultants and say, what are you up

to and you have to say you are working with a blue cat or whatever?

I remember saying to my teacher, Dr Shipman, I said to him...

LAUGHTER No. Cut that out! So imagine there's a medical emergency,

for instance, I don't know, Mary might slip into a diabetic coma or

something after a cake. You don't snort the cakes, do you?

When I'm judging, I have a good piece of cake because otherwise how

can I tell. And remember when I'm tasting the cakes, their mothers and

aunties and best friends are look looking and if I haven't tasted

every one properly, even if it's burnt, I've got to try it. In one

episode, how many bits of cake would you eat? Us It depends how many

bakers we have left. So episode one? I would have thought it must have

been about 40. Wow. Do you think you might have

worms, Mary? He's a trained doctor. Do you have an itchy bottom?

LAUGHTER Not at the moment.

If anyone had a medical emergency, would you step forward and go "I

am"? Not now. I have done that on a plane once coming back from

Amsterdam. It was a book thing, it wasn't a recreational thing. They

made the announcement, any doctors on board and I thought, I won't put

my hand up, but in the end they came over to me and sayth said Harry

there's someone. So I walked back to the back of the plane and someone

had overdosed on what people go to Amsterdam for, not the Anne Frank

museum. He was having a panic attack and so I put a calming hand on their

shoulder. As I walked back to my seat, the entire aircraft applauded.

APPLAUSE Mary, we must talk about BakeOff

because it's bigger than ever and moving to BBC One next year? Yes,

and we had nine million of you watch it. Wow. Did you and Paul consult

about BBC One or did they just come in and tell you? We were told we may

move to BBC One, but we weren't consulted, it was a BBC decision.

What about the money, Mary? I haven't heard, but it would be nice.

Can I mention your name? Don't mention my name, but you should get

more money. Thank you for telling me that. Tomorrow morning. Seriously,

the final obviously, nine million of us watched that final. Can we be

honest, Mary? The final bit of the final, those wedding cakes, they

were kiss poor weren't they? LAUGHTER Look at that. That's the

winner! It looks like a tipped over bowl of pot pourri. It's, just

remember, you didn't taste it. It's not even or anything, all slopy.

She doesn't look very happy. She thought, I'm never going to win with

this, and then she saw the other ones. I thought, this is going to be

amazing, what the amateur bakers are going to do, I'll be blown away and

I was like, really, that's it? Takes a long time to make a wedding cake.

Longer than they had? Exactly. Somebody who's making a wedding

cake, it will take them hours and hours. Don't tell my mum that. Your

mum's still sticking ill together. Do you cook? It's really

embarrassing, we shouldn't have this conversation with Mary Berry.

Perhaps I ought to just pull your hair back. It's like trying to talk

to Oz. It's very soft isn't it? Thank you. It's real dead human

beings hair. Is it yours? No, it's from, I assume, a dead person or a

person that donated their hair. Somebody donated their hair who's

had their hair cut off. It was found on a floor! The thing is, Mary

Berry, famously, you have now become a fashion icon. It's true. You wear

somebody on the show and it sells. I'm not making this up, am I? Well I

think often when people are as old as I am, they wear rather dull

things and on the programme I always try and have lots of different

coloured jackets in bright colours and fun colours and I think that

cheers you up. A lot of people when I wear grey and black and things

when you... When you're old! You have a nice sparkle tonight? People

will be Googling that dress and tomorrow out of the shops, out of

the shops! And also a try dress that is suitable for my age, you know. I

don't like very short skirts or having bare arms because Paul

Hollywood always says you've got a bit of flab here, you want to cover

that up. He wasn't just meaning me, but people of my age.

The thing is, people obvious obviously will flock to your film,

Daniel. A quote on the poster from Mary Berry? That will sell tickets.

Yes. We should have called it Mary Berry the movie. Yes. Just make up a

quote from Mary Berry, something she says tonight. OK, say great. Great.

Nice buns! LAUGHTER There are buns in the film,

in fairness. I didn't talk about them. You almost didn't. And I'm not

going to. There weren't as many buns as I thought there were going to be.

I thought it would be naked all the time. Mary Berry is selling

something this year though, a book which I know somebody's mother is

getting for Christmas this. Is Recipe for Life and it's your life

story. Because you are so vital and so of the moment and this huge

television star, I suppose what's surprising is the beginning of the

book is like history. Now I feel terrible like Paul Hollywood like

I'm being rude. When you look at the pictures and things, it's very...

I'm almost a war time baby so it's quite, things were difficult, they

were frugal, we didn't have much. This seems unbelievable. Those were

farm holidays. We never stayed in a hotel. We used to camp and have farm

holidays and I loved them. There is a picture in here that looks like a

still from Harry Hill the Movie. Look at that. Amazing.

Now, I remember that. Dad was very keen on photography and that was our

Siamese cat. He put on the end of that straw a piece of meat and that

is why the cat is doing that. Doesn't like milk at all then, is

that what you are saying? It couldn't get it from a straw could

it? No. I thought Mary was very posh and saying, I'm not having that cat

lick a saucer. Use a straw like the rest of the children!

Your personal life is in here too. Your husband, he wooed you. I mean,

how many times did he ask you to marry him? Quite a few times because

he was a rugger player and he always used to go the pub afterwards and

then he'd sort of suggest that he might marry me and I was never too

sure that perhaps whether he was drunk, but I'm sure he was.

Eventually, he went to ask my father for my hand. He went to see my

father and, as he drove into the drive, we lived in Bath and he drove

into the drive and he ran over one of my father's doves. And it was

dead and my father came out of the double doors evidently, I wasn't

there, and he said "you silly fool" so Paul was quite quick and thought,

perhaps I won't ask, so he came back the next weekend and was working for

a company in Bristol and he came with a bin end of a box with wine

and things, dumped that on the door, asked for my hand and of course now

we are married. What happened to the above? You weren't tempted to put it

in a white wine sauce? I could have done, but I was in London. We have

been married 46 years. That's one of the poshest anecdotes we have had on

the show. Driveway, double doors and a dead dove!

LAUGHTER The dove was buried just beneath the har-har. We can't go

without celebrating one of our favourite websites which is Cake

Wrecks where people have taken pictures of these real cakes that

were ordered and paid for. It's a standard thing of you order the cake

and goes wrong with the person I think who answers the phone in the

bakery. You will get the idea. So, for instance, here is a classic.

Thanks for a great year in purple. And yet they've got it so wrong,

it's not in purple! This is another again, very

straightforward one on the phone bolt botz what do you want on top of

your cake, happy birthday with balloons and crap and stuff like

that. --.

They say, what do you want on your cake. I want sprinkles.

Here is the thing. Nothing can go wrong, you go in with a memory stick

and you say, can you put this on a cake. Oh, no.

To be fair, they did a pretty good job of that. Nicely executed.

LAUGHTER A couple of designs with the skill - skill is not the issue,

but taste. I mean who, is going to be the first person to cut into this

cake? Roasted dog. You know, a cake is a

cake. Who wouldn't want to eat a nice slice of cake. Wait till you

see this cake. That's a cake!

You know what, "I'm full". And finally, surely there's nothing

nicer than a cake to celebrate the arrival of a baby.

All the cakes. There you go! We talk too long. We must hurry up.

Harry Hill, you have made a film. This is the Harry hill Movie on 20th

December it's out. We don't want to spoil it for people, but the plot?

Based on a true story about me living at home with my nan played by

Julie Walters and a honourable memberster is given only a week to

live by the vet so I ask him what he wants to do and I think that he says

go to Blackpool but because I don't speak much hamster - I don't know if

you speak it - sorry it was a Guinea pig, he says I want to meet Rihanna

and we misinterpret it and we head off on a trip to Blackpool. Along

the way, he gets exposed to radiation and becomes 150 feet tall

and I fall in love with a girl covered in shells played by Sheridan

Smith. And I am fighting my evil twin brother, Otto, who was

separated from me at a very young age brought up by Alsatians. Based

on a true story, as I say. Yes. It's a story that needed to be told.

It's a simple scene really isn't it? Yes. Sull tried it yet? We had a

test screening. It was really good. You know about test screenings, you

play the rough cut of the film in front of an audience. Yes. And one

lady said, because the hamster is supposed to be my childhood hamster,

so technically the hamster would be about 30 years old, I suppose, and

we know they only live to about three. She goes, hang on a minute,

how hold's this -- how old's this hamster supposed to be, she said it

would make a lot more sense if it was a tortoise exposed to radiation

and was 150 feet tall. So that was really useful. Yes. There are

special effects but some of the things that are real. Yes. The

Dachsunt? Yes, the Jackson Five tribute. Michael and Tito and little

Afro-s. ? Real dachshunds wearing wigs and they dance around. He's

moonwalking that one. We had one when I was a child and

because there was petrol rationing my father had a motorbike and Rupert

used to be put inside his jacketed and the buttons done up and he'd

drive to work with Rupert the dachshund in his coat. Can you

imagine. You would be stopped now, wouldn't you? And rightly so, Mary!

Political correctness gone mad, it's not that, it's just common-sense

needed. This is a taster of some of what you can expect. Calling it the

Harry Hill Movie was a good idea because it really is.

Get ready for the story of two brothers, one raised by his nan. The

other by wild animals. He was brought up by Alsatians? Oh, yes,

it's more common than you'd think. Any idea what it's like to have to

lick your own bum just to fit in? What? And the fight for their

hamster. Are you all right? The adventure on the big screen. Nan

nan, how many times, no strip agrammes on a week night. --

strip-a-grammes on a week night. My next guest, simply is the most

successful composer of musicals the world has ever known. Please welcome

Andrew Lloyd Webber. Hello, hello, hello, how are you?

Andrew Lloyd Webber. Andrew, it's exciting times because

the West End is welcoming a brand-new Andrew Lloyd Webber

musical. Steven Ward. I saw the very first preview and I just loved it, I

thought it was great but it seemed to slick and done. Are you changing

a lot between now and the opening night? No. OK. Fair enough. Not

really. Hopefully not. Although there's a book about Steven Ward

that just come out last week which said he was murdered which means

that I'm going to have to change the end if it's true. That is extremely

irritating. Anyway, you know... It opens on the 19th December? Yes. And

reunites you with the Sun set boulevard team? Chris and Don, yes.

Exciting for me really because Sun set was one of my favourites

actually. Stephen Ward is a grown-up subject, it ain't Charlie and the

Chocolate Factory and it's time, you know. For a long time I wanted to

take a subject that was a little out of the ordinary. I didn't know when

I started work on this one exactly the hornet's nest I was going to

stir up. I hadn't a clue that there was really quite so much anger about

what happened to him. And all of the various things which

I diverse most people know about, it's about the guy that was the

scapegoat for the Profumo affair that brought the Government down.

But the Profumo affair is a tiny bit of our story, only about I think 100

seconds of stage time. It's about really how the establishment in a

kind of way closed ranks and they had to find a scapegoat.

And it was this man, Stephen Ward. One sees it all the time, again and

again and again, it's happening around us now. In case you are

thinking it sounds dry, it does break taboos, I can't remember the

last time I heard of a West End musical with a full-on oernlingy.

Yes. What is the orgy song called? You have never had it so good. That

was the Conservative Party's election slogan for a while and

Private Eye really came up with, you have never had it so often! Uses

both lines. This was all at Clifton at the cottage by the water? Some of

it was. Stephen Ward rented a cottage and it was indeed by the

water. I've been there. Since you can now... Mary, back off, that's

not important... With the orgy, you weren't tempted to do one of those

looking for Maria-type shows, were you? There was a moment when we

couldn't find a girl for Amanda Rice-Davies, a fascinating person to

meet. We couldn't find anyone for that. I very near nearly -- nearly

rang Graham to say should we do a late-night programme. But it didn't

happen. Or you could cruise the web. This is Christine and Mandy, they

are in Stephen Ward's flat and celebrating the end of their

innocence. # No more wide boys running our

lives # We just use our heads and we've

got it made # No more bad times

# Last year was a bitch # We must find new ways of

scratching that itch... # APPLAUSE

Well, opens on the 19th, I hope it's a hit, it deserves to be a hit.

Andrew, if you are looking for another subject for a musical, may I

suggest the BakeOff. Seriously, wouldn't that be a good musical.

What should we call it? BakeOff. Bake Cats. The musical will rise and

rise. You can have for ya sponge. It's a good idea. It's fantastic,

the good. It's music time, everyone. Ladies,

are you ready? Mary, steady your nerves. Performing the song,

Fabulous from his new album, the the one and only, Sir Cliff Richard!

# Well I always knew I was crazy for you. # But now I know you thrill me

so. # If this is love. # (oo-oo oo--ooh). # Well it's fabulous. #

Your lips close to mine. # I got chills up my spine. # And when we

touch. # I thrill so much. # If this is love. # (oo-oo oo--ooh). # Well

it's fabulous. # Well I read in a book. # About love and its charms. #

But I, I never knew. # 'Til I held you in my arms. # When I hold you

tight. # I know, I know I'm right. # 'Cause only you. # Can do what you

do. # If this is love. # (oo-oo oo--ooh). # Well it's fabulous. #

Well I always knew. # I was crazy for you. # But now I

know. # You thrill me so. # If this is love. # (oo-oo oo--ooh). # Well

it's fabulous. # Well I read in a book. # About

love and its charms. # But I, I never knew. # 'Till I held you in my

arms. # When I hold you tight. # Well I know, I know I'm right. #

'Cause only you. # Can do what you do. # If this is love. # (oo-oo

oo--ooh). # Fabulous. # If this is love. # (oo-oo oo--ooh). # It's

fabulous. # Well if this is love. # Well it's fabulous...# Fabulous!

album? Yes. Somebody bought one, look, she's waving it at you. Trying

to sell it, I'm not sure. I spoke to you on the radio and you are going

to do tours? I've been doing them since January and the interesting

thing is, although there is a DVD out... Is there a DVD out? ! I've

been silly, there we go, yeah... I hadn't actually recorded the album

but I wanted to test some of the songs, so five of them I tried it

out on audiences and the reaction was terrific and I thought,

fabulous, go. By the way, do you know any more corpses, I need some

more hair like that? I can get you the number of somebody that does

know. I had my hair chopped off because they kept saying it was a

wig. So I thought, I'll cut it short and see what they think now. It's a

short wig. A short wig! Now, Sir Cliff, there were some

rumours this year. Oh. People got very upset, there was a rumour that

there would be no Sir Cliff Richard calendar 2014.

But happiness, happiness. I don't know where they get... In the

cupboard, he has a hidy hole. It's available. It's the Cliff

Richard calendar. You look very happy there, but guessing where you

are standing, you were possibly suicide suicidal. Awful advertising.

Dangerous. Don't play I Spy. I was thinking train but I was also

listening out. It's what you want, ladies and

gentlemen, it's what you want in a Cliff Richard calendar, lots of

nice, traditional poses. There's the Cliff Richard lean. I like this one

because actually you are not leaning against anything, I don't think, you

have just chosen to lean. There was a pillar there. There was?

Yes, they've cropped it. How annoying. Some hands on your keys

there. Then the traditional denim fence lean. Denim is very much part

of rock'n'roll. As is leaning. April, a very radical lean in April.

He's in a street and he's going, what am I leaning on? ! Am I

leaning, am I falling? That's air guitar. At the end of the song where

you go like that. It's called airplaying.

And then, May, ladies and gentlemen. We are on very, very familiar

territory. It's everyone's favourite, it is the foot on tree

lean. When you are doing a calendar, do

you talk about it like this and go, OK, shall we lean... ? No, I think

the rumours got out because it's true. Not completely. You hit the

nail on the head. How many shapes can I pull with this body? Six? For

the next calendar. We need you! APPLAUSE

But now, ladies and gentlemen, excited as we are that the calendar

is out, that's very exciting, I come with - this is upsetting news - as

you know, is this your 35th calendar? Is it? I think it's your

35th. You have sold millions and millions and millions of calendars,

year in, year out, Cliff top of the calendar chart, ladies and

gentlemen. Yes.

Number two this year. The pesk pesky One Direction boys. What will they

feel if the number two is 73 years old? What are they doing, going to

school, whatever, your fans need calendars. Doctors appointments,

dentists, cat to the vet. They need them!

Is anything going to happen to that calendar? It's just that it's

Christmas and my mum... LAUGHTER

To Jan. Oh, dear, "to Jan". I don't think I've ever done this on

television. Signed a calendar on television.

Harry, could you give the calendar to Mary, please. If you were seen

with it, look like you are enjoying it I think it's lovely. There you

go... CAMERA CLICK. Good luck with the

album and the tour. Please thank my guests tonight, Mr Harry Hill, Sir

Cliff Richard, Mary Berry, Daniel Radcliffe

And Lord Lloyd Webber. Join me next week when we'll have Jessie J,

hobbit star Martin Freeman and Ben Stiller, along with Jamie Oliver.

Join me then. Bye!