Episode 10 The Graham Norton Show

IRISH ACCENT: Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,!

It's Graham Norton here. We have a fantastic show for you tonight.

We've got stars packed to the gills. That's what it says here anyway...

APPLAUSE

Anyway...

On tonight's show, I will be mainly drinking wine,

bouncing on the sofa and making noises like this.

Eughhhhhhh!

And rushing into the audience like this. Wahhhh"

APPLAUSE So, let's start the show!

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!

Hello! Hello! Thank you very much. Hello! Hello, everybody! Hello.

Oh, I've never heard an audience like it, absolutely marvellous.

Welcome all, something for everyone on the sofa tonight.

We have the Incredible Hulk himself, Mark Ruffalo is here,

ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

Actress, presenter and judge, Amanda Holden is on the show. Yes, she is.

Tony Blair, Brian Clough and David Frost are all rolled into one,

Mr Michael Sheen is here. Yes.

Plus we've got music from the brilliant Ed Sheeran, everybody.

I know, Ed Sheeran, there!

Over there, playing the guitar and everything.

Very good. Now, of course,

I'll be chatting to Mark Ruffalo about playing the Incredible Hulk.

Now, the Hulk is just one of many Marvel superheroes.

There's Captain America, the Thing and perhaps my favourite,

the Silver Surfer. Yeah.

"Dear Nigerian prince, here are my bank details..."

There's a woman in the audience going, "Really? I sent them."

Now, Amanda Holden, she always looks fantastic, she really does.

But, apparently recently she considered a breast enhancement.

Yeah. The thing is, what size to go for.

Maybe?

Not sure...

Bingo!

I'll be talking to Amanda about

the latest series of Britain's Got Talent.

Now, my favourite has to be the 79-year-old dancer Paddy

and her partner, Nico. Love them.

And I tell you, they're in here somewhere. Where are they now?

There they are! Look at Paddy and Nico!

Now, it's lovely to see Paddy,

it's lovely to see Paddy because there was a big scare

when she suffered from cracked ribs.

How does that happen just through dancing?

LAUGHTER

Like that.

Paddy, honest to God, I haven't seen anything like that

since I watched that Panorama documentary on care homes.

-I mean that's...

-LAUGHTER

It's shocking. Are you all right now, Paddy?

I'm better. I'm not completely right but I am a lot better.

I love it, "Not completely right!"

Not sure you were completely right before!

Listen, good luck. Good luck, Paddy. Very good.

I'll be chatting to Michael Sheen

about the all-star charity football match, Soccer Aid.

Honestly, I think it's fair to say that

I am as excited about Soccer Aid as I am about the World Cup.

LAUGHTER

No, no, really I am. It should be spectacular.

You know, all the hi tech stadiums...

LAUGHTER

Sexy fans in bikinis...

LAUGHTER

And excited youngsters in the crowd.

LAUGHTER

The England team, we feel for them.

There are going to be playing in 90 degree heat

and experts predict they'll lose up to five litres in sweat.

I know!

This is what Steven Gerrard will look like before the game.

And here he is afterwards.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's get some guests on.

Later we'll be having music from Ed Sheeran.

But first, he always gives a blinding performance,

it's Mr Michael Sheen.

Hello, sir. You've come to me! You've come to me! Have a seat.

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

-Let's have a seat. Michael Sheen!

We've got talent - it's Amanda Holden!

Wow! How pretty do you look?

Hello. Sit yourself down.

And you'll even like him when he's angry, it's Mark Ruffalo.

Hello, sir. Have a seat. Have a seat. Have a seat.

Oh, what a lovely welcome. I've never known an audience like them.

LAUGHTER

They're fabulous. Now, welcome all.

Now, I have to say, you look at my couch

and you don't immediately think "sporty",

but I'm here to tell you... No, seriously!

-How dare you!

-Dare you!

I said "immediately!"

This has got a nice bounce to it.

So, Mark Ruffalo, before you were an actor,

you were a professional wrestler or going to be a professional wrestler?

-No, I was...

-Or were you just in porn?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, "wrestling." "Wrestling."

Oh, "sport!"

I was a high school wrestler.

I love the reason you stopped doing it -

because you were very good at it, weren't you?

-I was pretty good, yeah.

-But you stopped because...?

Well, I saw the drama department and they were wrestling

but there was like, they were just laying in a heap of people

-and there was...

-Orgies, we did that at drama school.

.. many more girls than guys.

And I was like, "That's like wrestling, except you don't get hurt

"and you don't have to cut 20lbs every season."

-That's good.

-And it was soft.

And listen, talking of sport, Amanda Holden, you were a champion gymnast?

-Gymnastics.

-Was it the Commonwealth Games you did?

-No, darling, nothing big like that.

-Olympic trials?

-No, but I did for Hampshire.

-Well, you can see my confusion.

-That's pretty big.

-You can see my confusion.

-Hampshire and the Commonwealth Games...

-Oh, come on.

-Olympics, hello?

-Hampshire is part of the Commonwealth.

-They can't deny it.

-It's part of it.

I know it's tried to leave several times.

No, we've got a picture of Amanda as a childhood gymnast.

This is incredibly impressive.

Is that both feet off the ground?

-Both feet off the ground!

-Both feet.

-Which one?

-Look at the hair - it's tragic!

-No, you look adorable.

Can you still do stuff? Can you do a somersault?

-I can do the splits and things.

-Well, you can't do the splits.

-I can do headstands and I can do...

-Could you do a headstand?

-I'll do a headstand.

-Are you seriously going to do a headstand?

CHEERING

-What do you need? What do you need?

-I just need you to be on girl watch.

-OK.

-I know that's not like you, Graham.

LAUGHTER

If you could just keep an eye on my girls,

because I didn't agree to get them out.

-They've got their own management.

-Do you need a cushion or anything?

-A flat surface, baby.

-That's all you need?

-That's all you need.

-OK, where should I be?

-I could do with a cushion.

LAUGHTER

Just wait there exactly like that and someone will bring a cushion.

I feel like we should hurry this along. OK, so I'll just stand here.

My make-up artist is going to kill me for messing up my hair.

I can't believe you're doing this.

CHEERING

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Wow! Wow! Wow!

You can come down now. You can come down now.

Are you staying there forever?

I'll come down.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Wow!

-That's incredible!

-I should fill in.

Shouldn't I?

-Sorry.

-That was amazing!

-That is amazing!

-If I have another gin and tonic, I'll do the splits.

I am wearing underwear, I'll just check. Yes, I am.

Gin and tonic for the lady.

Bravo!

-That's incredible!

-All I can say is thank you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, so, we've had the wrestling, we've had the gymnastics,

-but Michael Sheen...

-I can't follow that! No, no!

No, because... You genuinely were going to be...

-You were scouted to be a professional footballer.

-I was.

But when I was 12. I was very young.

-That's when they scout them, isn't it?

-Still counts.

Yes, you're have... It's no good when you're 45, like I am now.

-I wouldn't make it very far.

-But why didn't it happen?

It would have meant going to live in London when I was 12,

-and that's a bit young.

-I don't know. Bedsit, it's all right.

Oyster card...

LAUGHTER

-You wanted to live in London.

-I did want to. I didn't know that...

-I was on holiday in Pontins.

-Of course.

-With my family,

and one of the scouts for Arsenal at the time was

also on holiday in Pontins

and they're always organising things for the kids to do

and so they organised a football match and I took part in it.

Unbeknownst to me, the guy who was the scout for Arsenal,

-who was also Tony Adams' dad...

-Mmm!

-And Tony Adams was there.

He was only 15, I think, at the time.

And he sort of spotted me

and he decided to set up a match for me to take part in and then he went

up to my dad at the end, not me, and said,

"We'd like to offer him a place on the youth team."

And my dad said, "No."

I mean, that sounds cruel. And it was.

LAUGHTER

And then we got home from the holiday and I remember my mum

and dad had some friends round and they were in the living room

and they were talking and I was in the kitchen or something

and I overheard them talking. I heard my dad tell the story.

And to hear that I'd been offered the place, I was so excited,

but also to know that I hadn't... I couldn't do it.

-I was crestfallen.

-Awful!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

-That was your first rejection.

-My first... Well, if only! If only! LAUGHTER

That is... As a kid, you'd have been desperate to do that.

You would have been devastated!

-I think you're being very good about it.

-I have been.

My dad's been dead now for some time.

LAUGHTER He hasn't.

He'll be on the phone now, "Michael! What are you saying?"

LAUGHTER

But he was...

My career would have been over a long time ago, instead of...tonight.

LAUGHTER

-You could have been loaded! Loaded!

-I AM loaded!

So here's the thing. We can actually see you being brilliant at football.

Soccer Aid, this Sunday, on ITV, raising money for UNICEF.

And, Michael Sheen...

Look, he's even got a Kevin Keegan perm especially for it, look.

-LAUGHTER

-It does look a bit perm-esque.

But you are the captain of the Rest Of The World.

Yeah, it's England versus the Rest Of The World.

Robbie Williams is captain of England

-and I'm captain of the Rest Of The World, which is a lot!

-It is.

-LAUGHTER

-I feel like you should win.

Well, yeah. Although...

The England team are always very strong, very strong,

they're always very good.

They all play together. They know each other very well.

Whereas my team are made up of people from

all over the world, don't know each other very well.

But there's a very strong Celtic bent to my team.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yay!

-Thank you. There's...

LAUGHTER Thank you very much.

I don't know if that's about the Celtic-ness or the bent-ness!

-LAUGHTER Knowing the show...

-They're excited about it.

Either way, they're excited.

But on my team, we've got people like James McAvoy, Gordon Ramsay...

-CHEERING

-Wow!

-Yes. Nicky Byrne from Westlife.

-Wow!

YELP FROM AUDIENCE Thank you.

Patrick Kielty. All kinds of people. And then ex-pros.

We call them the Legends, like Alessandro Del Piero and...

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Jaap Stam and Clarence Seedorf.

-Amazing players.

-That just sounds like a Countdown Conundrum to me.

LAUGHTER But we play at Old Trafford.

The match is next Sunday at eight o'clock

and it's in front of like 70,000 people. It doesn't matter...

Two years ago, Will Ferrell played on the team

and Mike Myers and people like that.

It doesn't matter how many millions your films have gone out to,

you're never in front of 70,000 people.

There's no feeling like it, walking out to that.

But it's all to raise money for UNICEF and it's a great occasion.

And what are the rules? How many Legends can you have?

You have four Legends in the team at any one time. But also,

the managers are proper professional managers.

So this year, our manager is Jose Mourinho.

I think I need to go down and do a headstand.

-Yeah, do it.

-Immediately, for Jose.

I met him for the first time last night and I said,

"Thank you so much for doing this. It's amazing.

"Everyone's very excited about you doing this."

He said, "I only live around the corner, I had nothing else to do."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Absolutely true.

Nice. Nice.

Now, we're particularly excited.

Mark Ruffalo, you found the time to be here. You are a busy creature.

-Are you filming The Avengers right now?

-That's right.

-Not "right now", obviously. Unless this is in it!

-A couple of hours ago.

-LAUGHTER

-Are you filming it here?

-Yeah, we're shooting at Shepperton.

Oh, right. OK. So are you back in your funny latex suit?

Yes.

-My man-cancelling suit. There it is.

-LAUGHTER

WOLF WHISTLE Ooh, they're loving it!

LAUGHTER

No, cos there's a green one that people wear that looks worse

than that. That looks OK.

-..Yeah.

-Is that because we're not seeing all of it?

No, you're not seeing all of it! It's man-cancelling, I call it.

It makes you look big where you want to look small

and makes you look small where you wished you looked big.

-LAUGHTER

-It's a man-jammer!

-That sounds disgusting.

-Sorry.

LAUGHTER

The weird thing is, you would think, to play the Incredible Hulk,

-you'd have to bulk up, but they made you lose weight.

-Yes, they said...

I was ready to get a trainer and nutritionist,

like all my fellow Avengers, and put on a lot of weight.

They said, "No, no. That's not what we have in mind for you.

"We want you to look as small and frail as possible,

so when you bulk up into the Hulk, we actually notice the difference."

LAUGHTER

The Hulk is pretty big.

And he's green.

-Yeah!

-Hard not to notice!

-How big WERE you?

-Boom-boom!

-LAUGHTER

-Not that big.

-Not that big.

-But you found it quite easy to lose the weight?

-No!

-LAUGHTER

-Is it easy losing weight? Ever?

-AUDIENCE: No!

Michael Sheen, how much did you lose

when you were playing Kenneth Williams?

When I was getting ready

-to play Kenneth Williams, I lost 10lbs in a week.

-Ooh!

And I don't recommend this, but on the cabbage soup diet.

Because the flatulence...

LAUGHTER ..is something awful!

I used to ride around on a scooter

at the time round London and I'd be practising...

-Were you powered by your flatulence?

-LAUGHTER

I'd have the helmet on and I'd be practising the voice and I'd be in

character as I was riding round cos no-one could hear me,

I had my helmet on, and I'd be like, (AS KENNETH WILLIAMS): "Oh, yes... Mmm..."

And then I'd be farting terrible.

And the smell would be n my helmet. "Ooh!"

LAUGHTER

-Terrible!

-Were you wearing a turtleneck?

LAUGHTER Cos you have to wear, like, warm clothes

and it comes up through the jacket. LAUGHTER

"Moo-argh!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, in the Avengers movie, the Incredible Hulk,

people loved you as the Incredible Hulk,

you were kind of one of the big hits of that thing.

But when it was announced, people not

-so keen on Mark Ruffalo being the Incredible Hulk.

-Not so much.

We can talk about this now, can't we?

At the time, I'm sure it wasn't very nice.

I think... I went to Comic Con and it was a big deal. Top secret.

They came and picked me up at my house.

I got a call from my agent the night before, saying, "Listen, look

"out your window at 5am, if there's a car there, you've got the part."

-If there's not, just go back to bed.

-AMANDA GASPS

-Are you kidding me?

-No, it was like down to the wire.

-That is SO LA!

The last minute. And the car was there.

CHEERS

APPLAUSE

So they fly me, private jet, fly to

San Diego and all the Avengers come

out and they're going to introduce the new cast member, right?

And Robert Downey, my dear friend, introduces me as,

"And now, reprising the role of the Hulk..."

Now, "reprising", of course, means the guy who did it before!

-LAUGHTER

-So they were waiting for Ed Norton.

And they went, "Ye-e-e-es!" And he went, "Mark Ruffalo!"

And they went, "Ye-e-e... What?!"

LAUGHTER

And it didn't go so well after that.

Are you sure he didn't live in the same building as you

and the car was actually for him?

I think that's probably it.

What a mistake!

Just a neighbour leaving for work.

LAUGHTER

For me?

-I can't get over... That's mad.

-They're very particular...

But that is so cruel.

Amanda, you went to LA to do a kind of big bunch of auditions.

Oh, God, yes.

-High profile ones.

-Big... Really exciting ones.

And ones with Quentin Tarantino and...

I think I was quite close to Anchorman. Really weird things.

But I always remember the funniest thing that my English-American

agent said. (UPWARD INTONATION): She's one of those people that talks like that? But she's British?

-LAUGHTER

-And she said, "Darling, it went really well today."

And I was like, "Ooh!" She said, "The part...is 70% not yours."

-LAUGHTER

-That's how they speak out there.

-Right? Don't they?

-Yeah.

-There's no yeses and no noes.

So I was like, "Well, that's 30%, like... That's crap.

"I clearly haven't got the job."

-You always get told, "You're in the mix." Like a bag of Haribo!

-Yes!

-LAUGHTER You're in the mix!

-Michael Sheen, you've never let

yourself down, have you, in an audition?

Many a time have I let myself down!

-At an audition?

-Oh, at an audition?

Well, quite early on I had a big break where I got to go

and have an audition with the head of Paramount casting.

So the whole Paramount Studio, the head of casting.

-Wow!

-And at the time, this was many years ago,

my daughter was only little then, and she'd had a bit of a stomach bug.

Her mother had a bit of a stomach bug as well. But I was fine. I was fine!

So I drove down to Paramount Studio, I'm sitting there in the waiting

room and thinking, "Ooh, I feel I might let myself down here."

And I went in. "In you come, Michael." And this is my big break.

And as she's talking to me, I'm thinking, in my head,

"I'm going to throw up any second."

I said, "I'm going to have to stop you there because I'm going to vomit."

And at that moment, I projectile vomited all over her office.

I'm running out of her office, into the waiting room,

vomiting over everyone. Into the bathroom, all over the bathroom.

And I'm cleaning up my own vomit on my knees. And that was my big break.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mark Ruffalo, your new movie couldn't be more different

from the Avengers, it's a really beautiful, indie musical, drama...

-Comedy drama?

-Yeah, sure.

-Romance?

-There's romance in it. Yeah, it's beautiful.

It's called Begin Again. It's out on the 11th of July.

It's yourself and Keira Knightley. So what can you tell us about it?

Well, it's these people struggling with their lives,

she's just kind of broke up with her boyfriend and he's estranged from

his wife and he's struggling...maybe a little bit of an alcohol problem.

Mm-hm.

-And...

-LAUGHTER

-And he...

-LAUGHTER

And he's kind of a music producer who is out on the skids

a little bit, the end of his career.

-It's made by John Carney, who made Once.

-That's right.

It's not a sequel, but it's kind of... It could be.

It could be that same story but told in a slightly different way.

It's two people who are trying to come together.

You play a music producer

and you have this idea of making an album in the streets of New York.

We've got a clip.

This is you dealing with some of the difficulties of trying to

-make an album on the streets of New York.

-Not easy.

Let me see this for a second. Hey.

Hey, listen, I'm shooting a song down here

-and I need you guys to be quiet for five minutes.

-No.

-I'll pay you.

-How much?

-A buck. A buck each.

-Hey, you're funny, five dollars!

-Five bucks for all of you guys.

-OK, two bucks? Two bucks each!

-No!

All right, five bucks each.

Give us five bucks and five lollipops one for each of us.

And a box of cigarettes and lighters.

I'll give you one cigarette for each of you to smoke

and you share it, I'll give you a pack of matches. All right?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That was my son.

-Sorry?

-That was my son.

-Which one?

The one who asked for the box of cigarettes. That's my son.

-Oh, there he is, the one at the back?

-Yes.

-Aw!

-Oh, cute! That's lovely. Was he paid? He was paid?

-Did you really give him a fag?

-LAUGHTER

A fag, a cigarette. LAUGHTER

-Were some of those kids you found, or were they...?

-Basically.

We were just sort of making it up as we went along and they were

out there, playing in the street, so we just brought them in.

Cos the way it's shot, it's kind of shot like... It is guerrilla style.

Is that what it was like?

Trying to shoot in New York is a little unruly.

And so yes, you can never really

ever stop a street or keep

people from walking into the shot or...

So, it's a little bit guerrilla style.

In terms of meeting the madness of the public, in that way,

-presumably when you do those big audition shows, Amanda...

-Yes.

-..you have a team of security just keeping you away from them.

-Well...

-Keeping ME away from them?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

We do now.

We never used to have any kind of security or bag checks or anything.

Simon just used to have this big man that we used to call Shrek,

cos he did look a bit like Shrek, but it was like a joke.

We used to say to Simon, "If anyone hurts you, that man can't run."

That's nothing. Nothing's happening.

And then, of course, there were all the eggs and things last year.

We were bombarded by eggs. But by a mad violinist.

She was in the orchestra and she suddenly threw eggs at him

and I got out of the way, obviously, cos I was thinking,

"My dress, my dress!" I was well out of the way.

And, er, he said, "I want to know the protest. What's the protest?"

That's all he could think about. But since then, security's been upped.

By the way, Simon, you know, the baby - has that genuinely changed him?

Yeah. I mean, I know you don't want to hear that.

-No, I'm just wondering.

-He is... I think he's...

I think he always knew what love was but I don't know

if he ever felt it properly and I think now...

I think now he's got Lauren and Eric, I think that it.

He seems really content and very relaxed.

And his face - and I've said this before - his face has changed,

and no, it's not through plastic surgery or filler or anything else.

He's just...content, how you look when you're a father.

Look - content.

-Total contentment.

-Content.

-And happy.

I have a 15-year-old daughter. Total contentment!

-So chilled!

-Not a care in the world!

-So re-laxed!

No slamming doors in your house.

-No, nothing.

-Now, here's the thing.

Britain's Got Talent final is tomorrow. Nico and Paddy up there.

-Yay!

-Wherever they are. They're waving! They were...

Are you familiar with Amanda's golden buzzer?

-We haven't got that far.

-No?

-Not yet.

You don't know the show at all, I'm guessing.

-I don't know it very well, no.

-Do you mean "at all"?

-At all.

And Michael, have you been out of the country filming?

I've been away for a VERY long time.

-Have you seen any of it?

-Of course.

Oh, good. Good, good, good. They'll win, right? They'll win?

-Well, I hope they'll win.

-They will.

Obviously, I'm shamelessly promoting them

because I want the great British public to get behind them.

I just think they'd be...

I mean, we have got an extraordinary line-up.

Extraordinary. But I think they'd be amazing winners for our show

and I think the Royal Variety and the Queen would love them.

Look at that!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at that!

I went to hospital after doing something like that.

Talking about the Royal Variety,

I think she might show up the Queen. Makes the Queen look lazy.

She stands for hours, I know. That was impressive till we saw Paddy.

-Yes!

-Now we think, "Come on, Queen, up the game."

She would be stiff competition for Her Majesty.

One more rib and she's a cert, though.

Well, listen, it's on tomorrow night, seven o'clock, on ITV1.

-So to celebrate and to help you practice, a little bit...

-Yes?

-..we do have some extraordinary talent here this evening.

-Do we?

Yes, because... Michael, you do a thing...

Do you need a microphone for this?

-I don't.

-You can just do this?

-Yes.

-OK.

-I went to RADA - I can project.

It's all from here, darling.

OK, so do you need to tell us what you're going to do?

Yes, I do because it's not very impressive. So if I tell you...

Can we start from the beginning?

-Yeah, I'll tell you before it. So it's...

-So what's your dream?

Do you have anything wrong with you?

My dream is to be on a couch next to you.

-Aw! It's come true.

-He's good.

-He's really good.

-OK, so what are you going to do?

I discovered at the age of...17 -

don't ask me how - that I could...

This was before anyone did, like, beatboxing.

I don't know if anyone's familiar with the term "beatboxing".

But this is what some of the kids do, apparently.

But I didn't know about beatboxing at the time.

But I discovered that I could do the tune, the theme tune to Dallas.

-AMANDA GASPS

-I'm ageing myself here.

-I used to love Dallas!

The theme tune to Dallas...

And I could do the percussion bit of it and the theme at the same time.

-This is SO exciting!

-Are you ready for this?

-The build-up has been extraordinary.

-I know!

There is a real excitement in the room.

-There's a lot of anticipation.

-OK.

-OK, OK.

-OK, here we go.

HE BEATBOXES AND HUMS "DALLAS" THEME

-Wow!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was very good.

-I'm going to give you the golden buzzer.

-The golden pineapple!

-The golden pineapple.

-He's going through.

You're SO through to the next round.

I'm hoping that tomorrow morning, there's a car outside.

Now, that is, Michael, but, you know what? Mark Ruffalo...

Mark Ruffalo... I think with a fair wind behind him, he might...

I thought HE was the one with the fair wind behind him.

No, his isn't a FAIR wind. His is a foul wind.

So this is a skill you learned as a child.

-Er, yeah, 12.

-12?

-Same time he was...

-Is this allowed to be on television?

-Yes, it is.

-OK.

-So, er, we've...

-I'm sorry. And you've hurt your arm and everything.

-Yeah, but this is circus skills.

-Yes.

I know that sounds really lame but this is good.

Circus skills - people go, "Ugh". But this is good, this is good.

-I don't know.

-Well, we've got the unicycle for you. It's a unicycle.

-OK, so come over here. Come over here.

-This is good!

-I haven't done this in a long time, Graham.

-OK. So now, do you...

I was only joking when I said I was going to try this.

I saw this this afternoon.

What I love about this unicycle is, it's got reflectors on the...

Like you're going to go down the street, like you're going to work.

The other incredible thing about it is, it has just one wheel.

-You weren't expecting THAT!

-No.

-So, is there a back and front to this?

Er...

-No.

-No, OK.

-OK.

-OK.

It's been...

-I think it's been almost 25 years since I've done this.

-OK.

-Here we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Entrance Of The Gladiators" by Julius Fucik

Wow! That is amazing!

-Now, here's a thing...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wait! There's more.

We do have this other unicycle.

Is there any way we could...

Could you try that? Could you try that? Go on!

CHEERING

Do you want a crash mat or anything?

-Do you want a crash mat or anything?

-No.

-Are you sure?

Graham, you need to kneel down so he can climb on top of you.

-Do you have a cushion?

-Where's that cushion?

Shall I just get on all fours again, and you can use me?

-Sorry, that came out wrong.

-Can you do this?

-Yep.

MARK GROANS

Whoa!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-OK, yeah we go. All right.

-OK.

-OK.

-OK.

-OK.

-Let us know.

OK. OK. Yeah? OK?

-All right, ready?

-I don't know - are you?

Unhand me!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I can't look!

Oh! Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you OK? Amazing! Amazing!

-Is your willy all right?

-Yeah, yeah.

-That's incredible!

HIGH PITCHED: I'm fine!

-Honestly...

-I can't believe that.

-I know.

Actors are supposed to be useless. Look at these people!

-What?

-Look at them!

-You're an actor!

And I'm useless. That's what I'm saying.

Headstands, the... Whatever that was.

-I was going to say, back to mine!

-While it was a beatbox-ette.

-It was good, though.

-It was very good.

-That... That's amazing.

-I wanted to be a clown.

-Aw!

# Bring out the clowns... #

And me and my friends would stand on the side of...

We'd get in our clown face and we'd stand on the side of a parade

and then we would kind of jump into the parade

and hijack and pretend like we belonged there.

-That's desperate, man.

-It is!

You can tell you grew up in America, where they have parades.

As a child, you'd be stood by the side of the road for a long time in England.

-Waiting.

-You'd get arrested!

-I HAVE been arrested.

-"He looks really glam."

Can I just say, we have to all go and see Mark's movie now.

-We owe him!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Listen, it's time for our musical guest tonight.

We have loved this man for a while but now he has gone global

and the word is, this is going to be his year.

Performing his new single Sing, it is Ed Sheeran!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's late in the evening

# Glass on the side

# I've been sat with you

# For most of the night

# Ignoring everybody here

# We wish they would disappear

# So maybe we could get down now

# I don't wanna know

# If you're getting ahead of the programme

# I want you to be mine, lady

# To hold your body close

# Take another step into the no man's land

# For the longest time, lady

# I need you, darling

# Come on, set the tone

# If you feel you're falling

# Won't you let me know?

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Oh, oh, ooh

# If you love me, come on, get involved

# Feel it rushing through you from your head to toe

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Sing!

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Louder!

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Sing!

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

HE RAPS: This love is ablaze

I saw flames from the side of the stage

And the fire brigade comes in a couple of days

Until then, we've got nothing to say and nothing to know

But something to drink and maybe something to smoke

Let it go until our roles have changed

Singing We Found Love in a local rave

No, I don't really know what I'm supposed to say

But I can just figure it out and hope and pray

I told her my name and said, "It's nice to meet you"

Then she handed me a bottle of water filled with tequila

I already know she's a keeper

Just from this one small act of kindness, I'm in

Deep if anybody finds out

I'm meant to drive home but I've drunk all of it now, not

Sobering up, we just sit on the couch

One thing led to another, now she's kissing my mouth

# I need you, darling

# Come on, set the tone

# If you feel you're falling, won't you let me know?

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Oh, oh, ooh

# If you love me, come on, get involved

# Feel it rushing through you from your head to toe

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Sing

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Louder

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Sing

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Can you feel it?

# All the guys in here don't even wanna dance

# Can you feel it?

# All that I can hear is music from the back

# Can you feel it?

# Found you hiding here so won't you take my hand, darling?

# Before the beat kicks in again

# Can you feel it?

# Whoo-ooh, oh-oh

# No, no

# Can you feel it?

# Whoo, ooh-ooh, oh

# Oh, no, no, oh

# Sing

# I need you, darling

# Come on, set the tone

# If you feel you're falling

# Won't you let me know?

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Sing

# If you love me, come on, get involved

# Feel it rushing through you from your head to toe

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Oh, oh, ooh

# Sing! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo!

Ed Sheeran, everybody! Beautiful!

Come on over, Ed.

Brilliant job, sir. Very, very good. Ed Sheeran! Have a seat there.

That's Michael, Amanda, Mark.

How you doing? Hey, how are you?

How are you? Good.

There you go. You can sit on the end. All shove up.

Shove up, shove up, shove up. There you go.

Yeah, you have a pineapple. That's yours. That's yours to keep.

-Well done, Ed Sheeran. You get a pineapple!

-It's like a Grammy.

Listen, that's obviously the single, which is...

That's got to be number one on Sunday, hasn't it?

-It's looking positive. Yeah, it's looking positive.

-Yeah, let's say it's number one.

-I've never had a UK number one before.

-You're kidding? Really?!

What's been keeping you? For God's sake, Ed!

Yeah, it's... It's a cool thing.

-I've never experienced this before, so it's...

-Wow!

Listen, congratulations. It deserves to be cos, God, it's catchy!

-And the new album Multiply, isn't it?

-It's not X, it's Multiply.

Well, Chris Brown has an album called X

-and you don't really want to annoy him.

-No!

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah, don't do that.

So Multiply is out on the 23rd of June but it's Multiply

-because the last one was Plus.

-Yeah, yeah. I've got a wild imagination.

-Were you good at maths when you were little?

-No, I actually...

I got asked this in an interview the other day.

We had to cut it out of the interview cos someone said, "What's 9 x 9?" And I said, "99".

Does that answer your question, Amanda?

Thankfully, we cut that out of the TV interview.

-I'm sure it'll probably go in this one.

-Yeah, probably.

So, listen, in the... I don't know if you've seen the video for Sing.

It's a really cool video. But Ed, in the video, is this.

Is a puppet Ed, which...

-Like, look at that!

-It looks like an Avenue Q.

Yeah, it is really... This is Jim Henson or something. It's very posh.

It cost more than the last videos for the whole album last time,

and so that's why we kept it because we're going to use it for more stuff

-because we have to make our money's worth.

-Look at that.

-It does look...

-Is this where you're going to do your talent now?

-Yeah.

Yeah, Amanda!

Excuse I.

Oh, dear.

But listen, you deserve all your success and good luck for Sunday

and good luck with the album when it comes out. Ed Sheeran, everybody.

-Right...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before we go tonight, just time for a story or two in the red chair.

So, who do we have? Hello. You seem adorable. What's your name?

-I'm Jenna.

-And what do you do, Jenna?

I work with young people around drugs and alcohol.

-OK, I'm guessing helping them, rather than...

-Yes.

-Sometimes!

-Yeah. "I am so fun!"

Right. Right, Jenna, off you go with your story.

OK, so, being a drugs and alcohol worker, I was out one evening.

-I was extremely drunk...

-Wait a minute!

I was with friends in a cab and, er, I was dying to go to the toilet.

And being one o'clock in the morning, there was nowhere open,

so I had to get the cab to stop in the middle of a very busy road.

Luckily at one o'clock, it wasn't that busy.

I saw a phone box which I thought would be the ideal place

-for a lady to pee.

-She's the one!

So I went into the phone box.

Trousers down, ready to go,

leant against what I thought was the stable bit of the phone box,

when it wasn't. It was the door.

I was also in heels, which I don't normally wear,

so as I went down to pee, I leant and fell out the back

and did this kind of motion.

But because of the heels, I couldn't get up and I had to call

all my friends out of the cab for them to come and help me.

-I haven't been back to that road again.

-I quite like that story.

That was sweet. You can walk.

Yeah. That was sweet. It was sweet. It was grubby but not too grubby.

-It was nice.

-But can you... Can you hold it in in that situation?

-When you fall over, do you just lose control?

-No, I think she wet herself.

I think she looked like a garden sprinkler as she...

As she rocked on the ground.

"Oh, it's late for that irrigation to be working.

"Oh, no, it's my friend Jenna."

-Let's have someone else. Oh, hello.

-Hello.

-Hi! What your name, sir?

-My name is Richard.

Richard. And what do you do, Richard?

I'm an obstetrician and gynaecologist.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

I think we've had enough of that on the show.

-We've had way too much.

-Amanda, you've saved us from ourselves.

Exactly!

I am intrigued, though.

-Let him get a couple of minutes into it...

-We'll see. We'll see.

-Let's have one more. Hi. Hello!

-Hello.

-Oh, now, you seem nervous.

-Very.

-Oh, don't be. The worst thing that can happen is the chair flips back.

That's the worst thing that can happen. I say that now...

-What's your name?

-Melanie.

-Melanie.

All right, Melanie. And what you do?

-I am a Meals On Wheels delivery driver.

-Oh, wow! Whereabouts?

-Hemel Hampstead.

-In Hemel Hempstead.

So people watching in Hemel Hempstead will go,

"Oh, my God, there's that woman who brings the cold dinners. There she is."

Melanie's laughing cos yeah, they are.

"I park up for hours."

-All right, Melanie. Off you go with your story.

-OK, well,

I've always had rubbish hair - it's always been really fine and weak -

-and I tried every lotion and potion to make it better.

-Yes.

And many years ago I was working in London with my boyfriend

and I'd read an article in Cosmopolitan about this revolutionary new treatment

of sperm on your hair to add protein and body and everything to your hair.

So I went and found my boyfriend and said,

"Look, I've got to have this treatment and you've got to give me the sperm,"

because it was £50 if you had the treatment there at TONI&GUY,

but it was £20 if you took your own.

No, wait, wait, wait. TONI&GUY provided sperm?!

Is this Toni's or Guy's?

I didn't want Toni or Guy's. I wanted my boyfriend's.

And it was £20 if I took my own and £50 if I paid.

What, for corkage?!

Why is it £20 if you bring your own? This is a great story.

Anyway, on you go.

Anyway, so I rushed and found my boyfriend and I said,

"Please, I've got to have this done - it's cheaper and I don't want other men's sperm on my head,"

so he said that was OK, so I went straight to the phone, called

the number and said, "Please can you book me in as soon as possible"?

And the guy said, "Have you checked the date on the article?"

And it was the 1st of April.

Aw!

Shall we let her walk? Yeah, we'll let you walk. You've given us time.

You can walk. You can walk. Very good. Well done, everybody.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go on the red chair,

you can. Contact us via our website at this address.

Thank you to all my guests tonight. Ed Sheeran.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Michael Sheen.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Amanda Holden.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And Mark Ruffalo.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with music from Kasabian,

British Formula One ace Jenson Button,

Oscar-nominated actress Keira Knightley and the Hollywood star Samuel L Jackson.

-I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE