Episode 9 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, an action hero, who is always running in films.

I love the way he runs - just like this. I've watched it a lot.

So I'm kind of an expert at doing it now.

The...

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh! Oh! Still running!

Still running! Still running!

Hello! Good evening! Welcome!

This is a good one, right? You picked a good one tonight.

The biggest film star in the world, Sir Tom Cruise, is here!!

-RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Proof! Proof!

Not making it up!

From The Devil Wears Prada and The Adjustment Bureau -

Emily Blunt is on the show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Star of Ted and the creator of Family Guy,

Seth MacFarlane is here!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I know!

Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron -

she's here!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-And...

And...!

What's funny is, I'm actually really exhausted.

-CHUCKLING

-And...! And...!

No - we've got music as well.

Chart-topping megastars...

Coldplay!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Coldplay!

That's...

That's a lot!

-That is a lot. Now...

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES

Seth... Seth and Charlize,

they're here to talk about their new movie,

A Million Ways To Die In The West.

And you know, there WERE a million ways for cowboys to die.

You know, gunfights, stampedes...

Of course you could simply die of embarrassment.

LAUGHTER

It's the socks that wreck that, isn't it? The socks...

Also, I've got to chat to Seth about Family Guy.

-WHOOPING

-Lots of Family Guy... Yeah.

APPLAUSE

That's obviously Peter Griffin, with his super-intelligent dog Brian.

You know, would you ever get a dog in real life

that was smarter than its owner?

-LAUGHTER

-Er...!

-The...

-APPLAUSE

Fetch the ball! Good Wayne, good Wayne, good Wayne!

Now, Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt - they're both appearing

in the new sci-fi thriller Edge Of Tomorrow.

And the film is set in the near-future, in a London

that has been taken over by aliens,

and only one man is fighting back.

-Er...

-LAUGHTER

It's an earthquake!

I've got to ask Tom about Top Gun,

and all the amazing flying sequences.

And very exciting, ladies and gentlemen,

there is talk of a sequel,

although I DO hear it's going to be slightly lower budget.

LAUGHTER

Still good! That's all coming up later!

Plus - more of your stories in the Big Red Chair.

So, let's get our first two guests on!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-It's time for the chop -

it's Emily Blunt!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm thinking, "She's here! I saw her! She's here!

-"I know she's here!"

-Hi.

And I've achieved Mission Impossible. I've got him back!

It IS Mr Tom Cruise!

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS

Hello, sir. Aw!

Sit down! Tom Cruise, everybody!

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Emily Blunt!

-Welcome one, welcome all.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Very nice to see you.

-Nice to see you!

-Emily, welcome back.

-Thank you!

-I think you're third time.

-Third time.

-And it's still...

Still, like, "Oh, my God, it's Tom Cruise..."

In the movie, Edge Of Tomorrow, did you ever get over that, Emily?

-Did you ever get to the point...?

-I said it to him every day -

"Oh, my God, it's you!"

It just... The illusion wears off.

And I was doing my running there. And you ARE famous for your running.

But the director of Edge Of Tomorrow was saying that you don't just run

on-camera - also, off-camera,

-you like running.

-Yeah - I like to run.

-I like to...

-But weren't you getting everyone to run?

Yeah, we had to get back to one,

because we had so many set-ups that day,

so I was racing the guys back to the opening mark,

just to keep pace on it. You know, movies - you've got

-to get a lot of shots during the day, so...

-These poor extras.

-You know that day.

-They were over it by the end of the day.

"Oh, Tom Cruise wants to race again..."

-Yeah - "You win!"

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

-Was there a prize or anything?

-No, just...

Just, let's go, let's go, let's go.

I'd be a very bad extra. I'd be the one - "I'm not running..."

But talking to people that you've worked with, you always...

You are known as this, kind of - the positive force on set.

You know, the kind of, "Yeah, we can do this!"

Is it true that Emily Blunt did break your spirit?

-LAUGHTER

-It was a particularly hard day,

-I will say, it was a very hard day.

-No.

It was... We were in the drop ship. No, she didn't break my spirit.

-But there was that moment when...

-You were... Basically, we were

in this drop ship. I don't know if you guys have seen the trailer.

We were being dropped out of this ship in our exosuits,

and it was a tiny set - they'd made the set really small,

it was kind of like as big as a sardine can, and we're all in there.

It's SO hot in there, there's no air in there, the camera crew

are bumping into us, and we're hanging in the exosuits

and harnesses, so the entire weight of you and your suit

is like on your groin - and we were miserable!

People were just like hanging like this, just waiting

for action, and...

And Tom - erm, that insatiable positivity,

I can just see it just starting to unravel.

LAUGHTER

He was pouring with sweat, I remember looking at him, and he was,

"Guys - please... Please roll.

"Please roll." And I just looked at him, and I just went,

"(Ooh, this sucks...)" Like that.

And he looked at me, and he goes...

"It's a challenge."

LAUGHTER

-And I went...

-Because you know what -

if I start complaining,

-it's on. If I start going down, it's on.

-Yeah. And I went, "Tom -

"it sucks!"

"OK, fine."

I got on OK, fine.

Let's go, let's get the shot.

But do you ever...? Putting yourself out there,

you started ridiculously young... How young were you

when you started doing stunts?

Well, I used to do crazy things, like, I would, you know...

My poor mother. I was, I don't know, four or five years old,

I'd climb to the top of trees

and kind of hang off as the wind is going,

and then, I remember years later, I saw, you know,

-Evel Knievel, you know, jumping off the canyon...

-Mmm.

..and... So, I... There was this very steep hill

in one of the neighbourhoods we were living in, and I kind of took

boards from this neighbourhood, kind of, I don't know, construction site,

you know, and lined up all these cans.

My sisters... By this time, I'd been to the hospital a few times,

broken some bones, and they were like, "Don't do this, you'll get

"in trouble, we don't want to have to take you to hospital again."

I was, "No, no, it's going to work."

I was about eight years old at this point.

And so I took my bike to the top of the hill,

and I started halfway down, I realised when I got halfway down,

it was one of those chains... You know, the wh...

the pedals start going, and it doesn't slow,

-so it's going really fast.

-Yeah.

-And I couldn't stop -

it was too late to bail.

And I had my sister and her friends were down there,

and some kids around the neighbourhood!

"Oh, this..." Like halfway through, you're going,

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea?"

You're approaching the thing, going, "This really wasn't a good idea,

"but I'm committed." And I thought, "I'm going to go so far and so high."

So I went up this beam thing and ended up...

Of course the board split.

-The board split and I...

-You were trying to do a jump?

Yeah. Over the... The board was like this, and stacked up trash cans,

-almost to like half a storey.

-Right.

And I went through it and I ended up just...just pile-driving

through the trash cans. I mean, just...

-It was violent, I was laying on the other side. Of course...

-Amazing.

..there's blood everywhere, I'm just laying there, I remember my sisters

standing over me, no sympathy. It's not like, "Oh, my God, Tom!"

They just looked at me and said, "We told you!"

"You are in so much trouble right now!"

-Do your mum. "Tom, Tom..."

-"Tom, Tom..."

-"Please, honey..."

-"Honey, please..."

"Please!"

"Honey..." She would make me chocolate cake.

"Honey, please, I got some chocolate cake down here."

-"Don't jump off the building!"

-"Don't jump off that building,

-"sweetheart, please!"

-But your life...

your life must drive your mother insane. I...

She was very, er, patient.

I took my mother skydiving, I surprised her.

-Did she like that?

-She loved it. Actually, when we were in Dubai,

I said, "Where's my mother?"

-"Oh, she went skydiving - again."

-Wow!

Because I saw... This picture - I haven't seen this picture before.

So, in Mission: Impossible 4, this is, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah.

-In Dubai, the famous bit - you running around the...

-the very high building.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I hadn't seen this picture before. This is just you,

-no harness, randomly...

-AUDIENCE GROANS

..no shoes. I don't quite understand the no-shoe...

I guess it's not going to hurt your feet, but...

To give some perspective, that's you at the top of the tower.

Here is the tower.

GASPS

-What is it, a kilometre high?

-Something like that.

And this is how you got the picture.

So, there's a helicopter up there.

But you sitting on that thing...

Now, that's not brave, that's something else.

-LAUGHTER

-That's just... What IS...?

Are you feeling fear, sitting on top of that thing?

I-I wasn't. You know,

it's just... When you have that opportunity - we got up

early in the morning. I had to shoot all day, so me and the stunt team

were like, "Let's see if they'll let us get all the way to the top,

"and we can get some photos, and then..."

-Maybe die!

-Yeah, maybe...!

It is so high. You know, they say,

don't worry, before you hit the ground, you'll pass out.

You know.

That's not true - I don't think that's really true.

I think, especially that's it's so high, if you pass out,

you'll come back. Like, "I'm still falling! Oh, my God!"

-Do you know what I mean?!

-"No!!!"

We just kind of did it, we thought it would be fun, just to...

I don't know. It was...

-It's the tallest building in the world, you just...

-No, I get it.

-Yeah.

-Er...!

I could look at it and go, "That is tall, yeah!"

And as you get older, does it affect your approach to things like that?

Do you feel more kind of vulnerable, or no?

I mean, I didn't feel like I WOULD fall.

-I wasn't thinking of falling that day.

-No. I... Yes, yeah.

I didn't feel... I don't feel invulnerable,

but I didn't feel necessarily vulnerable, that's...

-Because Mission: Impossible 5, that is definitely happening now?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, we're working on it right now.

-I know.

APPLAUSE Shoot it here in London.

People want to see that. Is that a...?

-Oh, you are going to shoot it in London?

-Yeah.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun. GRAHAM GASPS

-Oh, the traffic!

-Yeah, I love making...

LAUGHTER

-I look forward to seeing it!

-Yeah!

Edge Of Tomorrow, there's an amazing scene with Trafalgar Square.

When you watch it, you think, "Oh, that's so good."

-But I remember that day.

-Do you?

Yeah! Like, screwed up our lives for a whole day!

So, listen, this movie, Edge Of Tomorrow,

it opens tonight, and it is TER-RIFIC.

-Such a great movie, it really is.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Just the pace of the thing, there's none of those...

You know, the 15 minutes where you kind of think...

-Go get popcorn.

-It's boom!

-It is incredible.

-Thank you.

-It's got a great premise.

-Tom, tell us the premise of the movie.

-Good luck!

-I know!

Essentially, a whole world is being attacked by aliens,

but, er, I play a PR guy, Cage,

who's...an unlikely hero,

pretty much a coward, and...

doesn't ever have to go to the front.

And I'm told, part of my assignment is,

I have to go the front to cover the soldiers there.

And I try to get out of it,

and blackmail the general, so he sends me to the front.

And where I meet Emily Blunt's character is...

Essentially, she is the warrior, she is...

-She's known as the full metal bitch...

-Yeah.

-..which is kind of...

-Ooh-oo-ooh!

-LAUGHTER

But through this horrific day, he ends up

realising that the way the aliens are winning the war is

that they can predict the future.

And so, my character inherits that when he dies.

And he ends up waking up 24 hours beforehand,

-and...

-He has this ability to reset the day,

so in doing so, he's able to kind of change strategies

and figure out new ways of winning the war.

So he's a very valuable weapon.

We've got a clip, and this is a full action clip,

and it's the scene on the battlefield where Emily's character

-starts to twig...

-Oh, yeah.

-..what's going on.

Ugh!

I'm trying to save you.

We're getting slaughtered. You need to get us off this beach!

We have to go. This drop ship is about to explode.

We have to go now.

Wait!

MACHINE GUN RATTLES, CREATURE GROWLS

Come on!

Come on!

Now, come on!

This ship is going to explode!

What are you doing?

Find me when you wake up.

-What?

-Come find me when you wake up.

Agh!

On your feet, maggot!

-APPLAUSE

-Awesome!

It's...

It really is this epic adventure, and you're seeing that

I'm trying to save her to basically save myself,

and then I realise that she also...

-Had the power at one point, and no longer has it.

-Yeah, so,

it's got wonderful characters and tension in the piece.

-And then you have to die over and over again.

-Yes.

So, how hard is that for an actor, to kind of like...?

It was a lot of fun. We were trying to figure out how many ways...

-It becomes... It's very funny, how many...

-What's the most violent

-way to kill him?

-..different ways we could die. I was like,

I said to the stunt guys, "This has got to be violent.

"This is Wile E Coyote." You know? "This is Bugs Bunny."

It's like, "Throw me up against the wall, spin me around..."

Her character essentially trains me,

because she realises that the only way to win the battle

-is through him.

-Mm-hmm.

So she ends up at times being quite ruthless with me when I

don't perform correctly, and she...

-I shoot him.

-Yeah, she's shooting me.

-She's shooting me in the head.

-But a lot of the deaths are funny.

-Yes.

-They're so...

-Very, yeah.

-Yeah!

For you, because obviously, if you're run over by a truck,

-you make a different sound than if somebody...

-Yeah, I know.

-..pushes you...

-Exactly. I'm glad you recognised that.

-We worked for a year...

-Oh, yeah!

-LAUGHTER

We kept working on the different screams.

It had to be a little bit like that kind of sound that

you just don't want to hear yourself scream that way?

-You know - did I really scream like that?

-Yeah!

And Emily Blunt, in this movie, you...

-I mean, you look lovely.

-Oh, thanks.

-But in this...

-APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING

..you're... But you've got guns - it's a bit like...

-Yeah.

-You're in amazing condition.

-Thank you.

-She's a badass in this film.

-She really is! Yeah!

-I know.

-And doing the stunts, Emily,

-you had to wear... We saw those suits.

-Yeah.

Now, I don't know what they're made out of, but even if they're

-made out of balsa wood, it's a lot of balsa wood!

-Yeah, yeah.

-Mine weighed about 85lb.

-Wow!

The first time I put it on, it was a very interesting day.

Tom I think was aware that it was my first fitting in the exosuit...

-I know, I was there.

-He knew that...

-I'd spent months prepping it,

-and working - it was the first day.

-..knew that I'd be overwhelmed.

He came over after I'd put it on - I was trying to hold it together.

I'm not really like a crier, but he came up and he was like,

"How are you doing? Are you OK?" And I went,

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK..." And he went,

"Are you sure? Cos it's hard, right? It's heavy."

And I went, "Yeah, it's just like..."

"This is really heavy!"

LAUGHTER

"It's like a lot heavier than I...

"thought it was going to be!"

And he was...!

-He told me to stop being a wuss.

-This is before we started!

It was the best thing - just to make me laugh.

Cos I was like, "If he hugs me right now, it's over.

"It's going to be like, sprinkler system."

And in some scenes - and you can't tell -

but in some scenes, you are pregnant.

Well, n-n-n... Yes.

We did some additional photography...

-At the end.

-Yeah, we did some pick-ups...

-..and I was pregnant.

-..when she was pregnant.

-It was still early, so I wasn't

really telling anyone. So, Tom was confused, as to why

I wasn't engaging in all the stunts. Cos I was kind of game for it

when we did the original shoot. And eventually I went,

"Because I'm growing a human."

And he was like...

And he was SO cute about it, and then protected me.

He was helping me down stairs, he was almost overboard, you know!

-She was like, "Tom, easy!"

-"Tom, I'm fine. I can do stairs!"

-LAUGHTER

-Well, you grew the little human,

-and little human popped out...

-Yes.

-We've got a picture of Hazel.

ALL: Aw!

That... As a mother, that must be so nice,

to have 600 people go, "Aw!"

It is very nice, yes.

-Because I'd do that,

-but, yeah. She's beautiful.

-She's really cute.

-She was laughing today, it was amazing.

-And the nurse that was complimentary when she popped out?

-Yes.

We were in the recovery room, and we had this amazing nurse who came in,

and she looked at Hazel, and she goes,

"Damn, your baby is so cute!"

And I went, "Oh, really?" She went,

"She is gorgeous!" And I went,

"Mabel, I think you say that to all the mothers." And she went,

-SOUTHERN US ACCENT:

-"No, I don't."

She said, "When I know a baby ugly, I say,

"'You had a baby!'"

LAUGHTER

That's it!

APPLAUSE

-Listen, good luck.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-You'll love this movie.

Edge Of Tomorrow - it's at cinemas everywhere.

We're going from a film where Tom Cruise

finds hundreds of ways to die on to our next movie tonight -

A Million Ways To Die In The West.

Please welcome the stars - Seth MacFarlane and Charlize Theron.

Oh, here they are!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the most welcome I've ever felt anywhere.

-Really?

-You sure know how to treat a guy.

-Oh, yes.

-Charlize, welcome back.

-Thank you.

-Lovely to have you back.

-Thanks.

Seth, have you ever done a British talk show before?

I have not. Not a late-night show, no.

I did the Breakfast Show and I got in trouble for saying "piss."

Oh, really? You can't say "piss" on the Breakfast Show?

They stopped the show. I went, "What the hell did I do?"

-Apparently you can say anything on this show.

-Don't encourage him.

Is there another one coming?

-Are you on the crack?

-Are you on the crack?

It's mighty.

There will be some of Coldplay stuck along the end there in a bit.

From Family Guy to Ted, now, you haven't just written it,

you star in your own movie.

-Yeah.

-It's a big leap.

-We'll see how that goes.

It's gone well.

This is so weird, it is like Brian wearing a man suit.

This is a huge crowd.

You go to The Tonight Show in the States

and there's like five people in the audience.

That's only when you're there, darling.

Whoa!

This movie, it opens tonight. It is really funny.

It's a big, broad, raucous comedy.

If you like Seth MacFarlane jokes, it's full of Seth MacFarlane jokes.

But there's a plot as well?!

-Charlize, why don't you do the plot?

-Oh, great!

-Seth, you do the plot.

-I don't do it justice.

-Go for it.

-Oh, God.

It's about this girl...

And what does she do?

I don't know.

Look, it's a western, it looks like a real western but it's shot

through a lens of people speaking in modern tongue, right?

It's like Woody Allen in the Wild Wild West, I guess.

Basically Schindler's List meets The Waterboy.

OK, whatever. So I did a shit job.

The queues are forming now.

I really sold that one really well. It's really funny...

and I'm naked.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Take one for the team.

Very good comeback.

And I'm not, so that's another thing.

I feel I didn't do it justice though.

Can you please pitch the movie a little better?

It's about a nerdy sheep farmer in the old west who meets this

mysterious woman who helps him win back his girlfriend who dumped him.

I don't want to give away too much, but that's the gist of it.

We've got a clip.

This is the two of you trying to make Seth's ex...

Cos it starts with you losing your girlfriend.

-Correct.

-That's not too much plot to give away, is it?

-You gave us the clip.

-You just ruined the whole movie.

You gave us the clip!

They said you were really timid and we were all going to have to

help pull you out of your shell, but that's not the case at all.

I'm drunk!

Two of you trying to make Seth's ex jealous. Go.

That's them! That's them!

Quick, pretend you just said something funny.

-LAUGHS:

-Oh, my God, you are so hilarious. Where do you come up...?

-No, you pretend I said something funny.

-Stop.

-Stop. Just introduce me.

-How can I...?

-Oh, hi!

-Hey.

Foy and Louise, right?

-Mm-hm.

-That's right.

-Uh, this is Anna. She's...

-I'm his girlfriend.

She's my girlfriend.

-She's the new GF. Big time.

-A lot of sexual activity.

-All the time.

I live inside her.

So if you want to send her a letter you gotta address it -

care of her vagina.

Yup.

You're making a film, there's a lot of things that can go wrong,

I think you gave yourself...

I mean, working with that many sheep, were they showbiz sheep?

We're just trying to win the New Zealand box office.

In Hollywood, can you get trained sheep?

You can't really train sheep, they do whatever the hell they want

and you just point the camera and hope that they fall into place.

They did train them a little, four of them, they tried.

The found the four smartest ones

and they tried to do a little training with them. A little.

But it's like Brando in his later years, you get what you get.

I imagine, Charlize, you were very comfortable around the sheep?

What is that supposed to mean?

-Weren't you raised by goats or something?

-Start with that.

They don't know that.

I thought you might make the leap and go,

"Yes, I'm very good with goats."

I was raised on a farm, so we had cattle.

I'm not timid around these kind of animals.

There were human beings tending to her, she wasn't...

sucking at the teat of some...

Well, you don't know that.

It was an after school snack.

Isn't it true you do an incredible goat noise?

Well, I don't know if it's incredible, but I...

CLEARS THROAT

That's good!

That's a South African goat.

I've lost all my hearing in this ear.

The other thing, you're directing yourself, Seth, in the movie,

is this your first screen kiss?

In the talking pictures, yeah.

Did you kiss like you thought you kissed?

That is true. I was OK with it.

I was a little afraid that I would look a little goldfish-y

when I saw that.

No, it was OK. It was all right. She's fantastic.

Whoa. It was all right?

It was just all right, really?

Look, I felt like 100. It was great.

Cos it is that weird thing of doing something for the first time

and it's crazy.

-Tom, 41 movies now?

-Something like that.

But there was a day when it was your first day on set

and you didn't know what you were doing.

-That was Taps, your first movie?

-Yeah. I remember being on Taps and...

FEMALE FANS CHEER

..Harold Becker yelling out, "Hey, Cruise, there!" I said, "Yes, sir."

"You see the camera?" I said, "Well, no, sir." He goes,

"If you don't see the camera you're not going to be in the picture.

"Move to your right."

"Thank you, sir."

Was it The Outsiders where you decided to give your character a trait?

Yeah, part of the thing was that we were all eating chocolate cake

and I thought, "In this scene I'm going to eat a lot of chocolate cake."

We ended up 80 takes later, I'm having to eat chocolate cake.

You know when you're a young actor you think,

"This is really cool." It was a bad idea.

Yes, I've learnt that just recently.

You've got to go through it. You've got to live through it.

It was like, "Something weird is happening to my body.

"I'm about to go unconscious."

It was past vomiting, do you know what I mean?

You gain 20lb from one scene.

When you were directing yourself, Seth,

how hard was it as an actor not to do voices?

Cos that is kind of your life.

Yeah. It was less of a leap that I feared it would be.

Doing Family Guy, I had gotten into the habit of

being able to record a line and go into the booth and listen to it

and switch off my brain and feel like I'm listening to somebody else.

And that did kick in pretty early on into the process

where I was able to run into video village and look at the footage

-and see if I was doing it right.

-How many voices do you do?

Sorry, I didn't mean to take over your interview, but I'm curious.

How many can you do?

You know, just enough to avoid being myself.

In Family Guy, the characters you do, you do...?

Peter, Brian, Stewie, Quagmire and then a smattering of others.

Are they all based on people?

They come from various places.

Peter, I knew a thousand Peter Griffins growing up in New England.

Guys who would not think before they spoke. Like...

-PETER GRIFFIN VOICE:

-..no self-editing mechanism.

It's coming out with no gateway.

And Stewie is based on your own Rex Harrison.

-Who I was a big fan of.

-Wow.

And where's Quagmire from? That can't be a person.

Quagmire...

LAUGHTER

If it is, he's not happy.

No, he's a bad egg.

When I was a kid my father used to buy me

old radio dramas from the '40s and '50s.

So I would listen to these things and the commercials were intact

and you hear these old commercials. Like...

Autolite brand spark plugs. The only spark plugs for you.

Everyone had this high pitched voice,

which I guess the mics were more sensitive to the mid-range voice

at that time, and they all sounded like Quagmire.

And so that stuck with me and when I was coming up with

a voice for him, he began as an impression of a 1950s ad man.

And when you're doing...

Cos those characters are in scenes together, do you do one line

after the other or do you do all one and then go back to the other?

When I table read, yeah, I have to jump back and forth.

-PETER GRIFFIN:

-Hey, what's going on.

-STEWIE GRIFFIN:

-Hello, fat man.

-PETER:

-Oh, Stewie, how are you?

-It's a back and forth...

-LAUGHTER

It's good, right? That is good.

But then sometimes you do them separately?

When I record the shows I do it one line at a time.

But that's not really because of the voices,

it's just cos you have to be naked, completely naked for Brian.

Completely nude.

Completely emotionally and physically nude.

Can you do the...

-MUMBLES:

-..thing?

-The what?

HE MUMBLES

I feel like, "Dance, monkey."

With a big stick and go, "Do the..."

-STEWIE GRIFFIN:

-I'm a barking seal, aren't I, Graham Norton?

-STEWIE:

-You know, you're an Irishman.

You think these people accept you as one of their own, but they don't.

They don't accept you at all.

Brian, would you like some coolhwip?"

-BRIAN:

-What?

-Why are you saying it like that?

-STEWIE:

-I'm saying coolhwip.

-BRIAN:

-You're saying "coolhwip".

-STEWIE:

-Yes, I'm saying "coolhwip."

-BRIAN:

-You're putting a lot of emphasis on the H.

-STEWIE:

-Coolhwip. I'm saying coolhwip.

-BRIAN:

-Say cool.

-STEWIE:

-Cool.

-BRIAN:

-Say whip.

-STEWIE:

-Hwip.

It's all recycled vaudeville humour, that's all.

As good as that is, not the only person on the couch who does voices.

-Because we've heard Charlize's South African goat.

-Thank you.

-It was very good.

-It was excellent.

Oh, thanks, Tom Cruise.

-Thank you.

-I'm sampling it. It's going to be my ringtone from now on.

Emily Blunt, I heard you earlier, you do a TC, don't you?

You do do a TC!

Not after Seth. I mean, come on.

-TOM CRUISE IMPRESSION:

-Charlize, your goat noise. It was amazing.

Do one line of Tom.

What line shall I do?

-I don't know. IMPRESSION:

-I feel the need, the need for speed.

-That's good. You're good at it.

-Do me.

-No.

HIGH PITCHED ENGLISH ACCENT: Tom.

I do Donald Duck.

-You do Donald Duck.

-Yeah.

-Do it. OK, now it's your turn.

HE COUGHS

HE SNEEZES

That's great.

That's adorable. That's going to be my text message alert.

Very good.

My last bit of getting a stick and poking Seth...

I don't know what that means.

..is Liam Neeson is in the film,

did you ever do your version of the Taken phone call for him?

Do it.

Our version was Kermit the Frog doing Taken.

I'm not going to be able to remember the speech.

-KERMIT IMPRESSION:

-I don't have any money.

But what I do have...

..are a very specific set of skills.

Skills that make me a nightmare for somebody like you.

If you don't let the girl go I will track you down.

I will find you and I will kill you.

That's outstanding.

It's time for our musical guests tonight.

Shortly we'll have this week's stories in the big Red Chair.

But first, performing their new single A Sky Full Of Stars,

it is the one and only Coldplay.

# Cos you're a sky, cos you're a sky full of stars

# I'm gonna give you my heart

# Cos you're a sky, cos you're a sky full of stars

# And cos you light up my path

# I don't care, go on and tear me apart

# I don't care if you do, ooh

# Cos in a sky, cos in a sky full of stars

# I think I saw you

# Cos you're a sky, cos you're a sky full of stars

# I wanna die in your arms

# Cos you get lighter the more it gets dark

# I'm gonna give you my heart

# I don't care, go on and tear me apart

# I don't care if you do, ooh

# Cos in a sky, cos in a sky full of stars

# I think I saw you

# I think I saw you

# I think I saw you

# You're a sky, you're a sky full of stars

# Such a heavenly view

# You're such a heavenly view

# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

Thank you, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

Coldplay, everybody!

Come on over, boys.

Thank you very much. Congratulations.

Come on and meet the gang.

Is there room? Yes, everybody can just about fit.

-Congratulations on that. Beautiful.

-Thank you so much.

And that is a new single of the new album,

which is out now and doing incredibly well.

It's number one in 70-something countries?

-I'll tell you where it's not number one.

-Where?

Our manager just gave me it.

Cambodia, Mongolia, the Bahamas and Burkina Faso.

What's wrong with them?!

And it's number three in Tajikistan.

I wonder who's number one there?

Jonny, I just think you... To be Jonny Buckland in Coldplay,

-that must be a great job.

-It is. It's all right.

Chris, how did it happen?

Chris, he gets all the headache of being really famous

and the other three of you, it's lovely.

I know. I was hoping to be out of shot in this.

Are you now dragging them into shot, Chris?

I'll be honest with you, I did have to convince Jonny to come

and sit over here.

Do you get recognised at all?

Actually, I did this morning. But my first reaction is aggression.

Like, "How do you know my name?!"

"It's him you want."

First time we ever were at the Grammys, I wasn't there,

and Jonny and Will had won a Grammy and they were backstage doing

the press and stuff and this lady came over and said...

"Are you guys doing the catering?

"These sandwiches are very good. Can we get some more?

"I want to do a photo with the caterers."

Ghost Stories out now, presumably you are going to do...

I know you've done some small gigs, are you going to do a big tour?

BOTH: No.

OK.

That's an exclusive, right here.

And you can't buy tickets now.

Yeah, that will be in the press release.

We're doing an extensive promo campaign in Burkina Faso.

You need to. They've forgotten you.

Good luck with the album

and thank you very much for that beautiful performance tonight.

-Thank you for being here. I mean...

-Seriously, it's my job.

They're literally paying me to sit here.

Before we go, just time for a story or two in the Red Chair.

Did you do this last time, Tom? No, you didn't, you were a gentleman.

-No, I didn't.

-You should do it. It's great.

-Oh, come on.

Come on, Tom.

-You know you want to do it.

-Fine. I do want to do it.

Tom will sit on top of that building but he won't do this.

Who's up first?

-John from London.

-Hello, John.

-What do you do, John?

-I'm a plumber.

-Are you wearing shorts, John?

-Yeah, it's hot Friday.

I like it.

-All Fridays are hot.

-He can predict the weather.

Plumber and meteorologist. I do both.

Off you go with your story, John.

I got called out to a job in Chelsea for blocked drains.

Me and my partner was there.

We've gone there, we've done the blockage.

Oh, don't say blockage.

Oh!

Hey, good on the chair. That was impressive.

Just launched him. I bet you loved it.

I loved, "Don't say blockage."

You've changed, Emily Blunt, you've changed.

Who's up next?

-Hello.

-Hi, I'm Nicole.

Where are you from, Nicole?

Lancaster, Pennsylvania, but I live in Dublin, Ireland.

What do you do there?

I'm a production coordinator.

Nicole actually works for us.

Oh, be nice. Seth, works for Coldplay.

I'm always nice to Coldplay.

-Do you know this story?

-No.

Are you the story?

OK. Off you go with your story.

So my new Irish boyfriend was coming to visit me

in Canada just three weeks after meeting him.

We were all loved up and decided to take a bubble bath together

and we're drinking champagne.

And I felt a little burp come on and so I went to burp

but instead I projectile vomited.

Wow. I like her.

Hang on.

The really sweet part was that he wore glasses at the time

and he was more worried about me like, "Oh, my God, babe, are you OK?"

And we've been happily married for two years now.

-She can walk.

-Yeah, go on.

She's going to fit into Ireland so well.

Who's next? Hello.

-Hello, Graham. How are you, mate?

-Hey, nice prep school uniform.

One more. We'll have one more.

Here we go.

This isn't going to end well.

These guys are going to jump us when we're out of here.

-What's your name?

-My name's Ben, I'm from New Zealand.

-CHEERING

-Oh, they're loving you.

Yeah, we heard about Seth MacFarlane's movie of the sheep,

so we came here to see it.

-He's so onside here now.

-Let him talk.

Ben, start your story.

A couple of years ago my grandad had an eye infection and asked me

to put eye drops into his eye.

So I grabbed them from the top of the fridge,

put about six or seven drops in.

Looked down, realised they weren't eye drops, it was super glue.

It took about six hours for them to surgically separate his eyelids.

He sleeps now with one eye open. No. Nah, he's good.

That is a good story, but he should be punished.

-How slow does this...? If I went...

-No, it just goes.

Well done.

If you'd like to join us on the show, you can.

Contact us via our website at this very address.

Thank you to my guests tonight - Coldplay.

Seth MacFarlane.

Charlize Theron.

Emily Blunt.

And Mr Tom Cruise.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week when my guests include singer Ed Sheeran.

Actor Michael Sheen and Avengers star Mark Ruffalo.

I'll see you then. Good night. Bye.