Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight - a Hollywood actress, an action man,

a top comedian and the most famous bearded lady in the whole world.

No, Dawn.

Let's start the show!

Hello, good evening. Welcome, everybody.

This is exciting. On the show tonight,

from Interview With A Vampire and Spider-Man, Kirsten Dunst is here!

CHEERING

Alpha male and survival expert Bear Grylls is on the show.

CHEERING

Yes, I know, something for the ladies.

Comedy goddess Dawn French is joining us.

CHEERING

Hot new singer Sam Smith is on the show.

CHEERING

And I am thrilled to say, fresh from Eurovision glory,

Conchita Wurst will be here!

CHEERING

There's Conchita.

Beautifully feminine, but with a masculine undertone.

It's setting a whole new Eurovision trend.

Here's Ireland's entry for next year.

People are going, "Yeah, that's a good idea."

Obviously, Conchita's performance was controversial.

The Russian Orthodox church have condemned a man in a beard performing in a dress.

Here are the Russian Orthodox church.

Pot, kettle, much? Since Eurovision,

Conchita's bearded look has been taking the world by storm.

The internet is full of celebrities paying homage. Here's Cheryl Cole.

Her Majesty.

And even her great grandson.

AUDIENCE AWW

Look, he's got his father's hair.

I wondered where it had gone.

Kirsten Dunst has starred in so many great movies

like Bring It On where she starred as a cheerleader.

Cheerleaders are often unfairly portrayed as dumb blondes.

Here's one in action...

It's not just for women, some men become cheerleaders too.

You do think, "Why would any bloke want to be a cheerleader?"

Hello!

I'll be talking to Kirsten about her infamous

upside down kiss in Spider-Man. Do you remember that?

I wonder what he's thinking, "I hope she goes up on me."

It's clever, isn't it? It's clever, that.

That's all coming up, plus some more of your stories in the big red chair.

So, let's get some guests on.

Later we'll be chatting to Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst

and we'll have music from Sam Smith.

But first, time to grill a bear, it's Bear Grylls!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir, very nice to see you.

Have a seat, have a seat.

Let's have some French kissing, it's Dawn French!

Hello.

Lovely to see you. Have a seat.

And it's time to Bring It On, it's Kirsten Dunst!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE

Lovely to see you. Sit down.

Hello, all. You all well?

Were you doing chitty chat out the back, there?

Yes, trying to catch up.

This is my new best friend, this is my new boyfriend.

-Have you bumped into Conchita Wurst?

-I haven't seen her yet.

-Not yet.

Bear is looking so blank. I'm guessing you didn't see Eurovision?

I was up a Utah mountain last week, so I slightly feel I missed out.

Honestly, you did. We will show you a clip later.

-Ms French, did you watch it?

-I watched it from beginning to end.

-Excellent.

-I like to try to eat food from the countries

as you go through the night.

-So you had a nice bratwurst?

-Oh, yes.

Loads of cabbage this time. And no Maltesers for Malta.

I used to look forward to that... I ate them anyway.

-What a worthy winner.

-It was a lovely moment, it was a really popular win.

And of course, Kirsten, you have European roots.

-My dad is from Germany.

-Do you speak German?

-Nein.

-SHE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Kid's German. And curse words too.

-Is that why it is called a Kinder Surprise?

-It's a kid's surprise.

I never knew that. I must write it down in case I forget.

-What's this creepy chocolate with little kids on it?

-Kinder Surprise.

The best thing about German is that father is...

MISPRONOUNCED: farta. That's great, isn't it?

I do have a farta.

Yeah, my farta's at home.

Kirsten's mum, I'm sure she's a lovely lady,

-but when she was an air hostess...

-For Lufthansa.

..you didn't want to mess with her, get on her wrong side?

Well, yeah. Twice she sent people's luggage to different places.

In the morning, if they were being jerks, like men, being mean in

the morning, she was like, "Right, your bag is going to India."

Good for her. I like the sound of her.

I love the power of people in those jobs.

They are like, "Oh, are you getting married in Thailand?"

-"Not now."

-Exactly. She did that twice.

Bear, you have been everywhere, it's lovely to have you here,

but it is kind of nice to have you at all.

All of your stories, all of them, they are,

"And if I had been there a minute later or a minute earlier,

"or two inches to the left, my head would be cut off."

-I mean, near death experiences, you've a lot of them.

-The truth is,

people always have this expectation that if I have a scar...

I mean, I had to do a thing last year where I was doing a commercial in America.

I had to take my shirt off and this female director saw I had this scar straight across here.

She went, "Gosh, was it a crocodile?" And I thought...

The truth was, I was taking a pizza out of the oven without a shirt on.

It went... I went, "Ah!"

And I had one of those moments, "Do I tell her?

"She's going to be so disappointed."

I can see myself going from hero to zero in about five seconds.

It's not always like that. Home can be dangerous as well.

What's extraordinary about you is, we won't pry,

the luck, the luck of the man.

At one stage, you were bitten by loads of bees,

stung by lots of bees.

Yes, that was an occasion I ended up looking like the elephant man.

Can I just say, no, you didn't. Right, this is the luck of the man.

-See nice Bear there?

-Yeah.

Gets stung all over by bees. It turned him into Keanu Reeves.

I'm surprised you're alive, you're like a cat.

But when it comes to endurance, Kirsten Dunst,

what you went through filming your new movie,

The Two Faces Of January, in Greece,

if I had known the horrors you endured,

I probably couldn't have enjoyed the film.

Tell us, you were filming in Greece

and it was the height of the economic crash.

Yes, but we also had a lovely time.

We were swimming, it was beautiful weather and stuff.

There was problems at the hotel, but I mean,

we were working most of the time.

Is it true, you were staying at a hotel

and there was no room service at all?

Oh, my God! Are you OK now?

I'm OK, thanks, Dawn. I made it through.

Thank God there was a fruit basket.

What is so lovely is, you are filming in Greece,

you can't get room service, but you still thought of others, didn't you?

-Oh, yeah. Cos I fed a lot of cats whilst I was there.

-No.

-Oh.

If you don't like cats, look away now.

This is Kirsten. Is this just some random street?

It's in an alleyway and I found a chair and just I propped myself,

and I bought a bunch of cat food. It was kind of weird.

Listen, I still have a boyfriend, so...

-I haven't turned into the cat lady.

-I hope that's not your future.

This new movie, The Two Faces Of January, it's out tonight,

and I didn't know what to expect.

It's great. It's a proper old-fashioned thriller.

People who are into Hitchcock movies, it does have that flavour.

Yeah, it does.

It feels like a film noir kind of film even though it's in colour...

I don't want to see it now.

It does have an old-fashioned, classy, Hitchcock feel to it.

How much can you tell us about the plot?

It's a suspenseful drama set in the '60s

and I play a rich con artist's wife.

And we get involved with this other guy who we meet up in Greece.

When we go on the lam, he starts to helps us.

-This other man, Rydal, who is played by Oscar Isaac.

-Very interesting.

You brought a clip.

Being myself. I edited this clip for you all!

It's a bit of a flirty, sexy moment with me and Oscar.

It's after my husband has been a monster.

-Viggo Mortensen's the husband?

-Yeah.

-Oscar Isaac is...?

-Is the young lad helping us.

-Here it is.

You're no smaller than us.

Well, there's only one of me.

Anything interesting happening in

-the outside world?

-Um, soccer.

Where's Chester?

Oh, he was up all night, he's taking a sleeping pill.

You keep a diary?

Yeah, it's just notes for my work.

Anything about me and Chester?

Maybe there's a line or two.

You coming with me?

For a walk.

Sure, yeah. I'll come with you.

Good.

That's Oscar Isaac. He is so hot right now.

Yeah, he just got cast in the new Star Wars movie.

Rumour reaches me that someone else on the couch might be in the new Star Wars film.

-Me?! No.

-Why were you wearing the Star Wars dress?

Well, my girlfriends who do the clothing line called Rodarte are obsessed with Star Wars.

-So, yes, I did wear a Death Star dress.

-That's how rumours start.

Hey, man, I'd love to be in the new Star Wars.

Dawn, you have basically auditioned for most roles in Star Wars.

-This is you with Jennifer.

-Yes, yes!

-You've forgotten about this.

-I had completely forgotten about that.

You didn't just do that, you also wore...

-Is it Princess Amidaladala?

-Yes!

-There you are.

-That's me.

Jennifer is wearing a very good chest wig, it's not her own hair.

The two of you take to make-up so well.

You can do anything. You just look like them.

Although, we did do a lot of prosthetics over the years.

It was back, 20 years ago,

when you put prosthetics on, they were put on with medical glue.

So to get it off took nearly a day. And that's why...

I'm actually only 17, but I look like this. That glue ravaged your face.

It's weird that it's become so famous,

-the upside-down Spider-Man kiss.

-Yeah.

You don't know, but I remember Sam Raimi giving me a book of kisses.

It was a little coffee table book.

Like, a little cute book of movie kisses.

He said, "Let's try and make this one as epic as these kisses."

So I thought, "Oh, that's a nice idea. Yeah, right."

I mean, "We'll see."

But I never expected it to be one of those things.

You never know when you are making something.

But it really has become iconic. We wondered how hard it was to do.

-Cos obviously it's not straightforward.

-Uh-oh.

Don't worry, we're not going to do it.

Dawn, while we've been chatting,

mostly what you have been doing is not kissing Bear Grylls.

Yes, that's true. But I have been wishing I could.

-You need me to direct you guys?

-Yeah, maybe.

-Bear, you're OK to hang upside down?

-To hang upside down?

But it was raining, so we gotta pour this over your head.

Part of the reason it was difficult

was because the water was going into his nose.

I'm very excited about this bit!

-Not going to work.

-It will be so fun.

-Fun for you.

-We're really going to recreate this though, aren't we?

-We don't have a suit for him. There is a trapeze.

-Oh.

-Are you sure you can do this? Yes?

-I'll give it a go.

-That looks really high, can you do it?

-I can get up there.

-Good luck.

Jacket off! Jacket off!

CHEERING

He is serious.

-What did he do then?

-He tucked his shirt in.

Oh, look at him go. He's like a monkey.

You can go and sit at the end.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Bear!

Bear! What is that?

It's going up his nose!

Oh, Bear! That's repulsive.

-Spit it out.

-What is that?

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

I'm so sorry, I left that in from earlier.

I like to travel with food on the go. I'm ready for my smacker.

Hang on, let me just clean that up.

Here we go.

-Hold on. There's one more in there, hold on.

-No, there isn't.

Suddenly it doesn't feel so much fun.

Oh, Spider-Man. You're so...hot.

CHEERING

Beautiful. Well done.

Nice job, Dawn.

-That looks sore. Are you OK?

-Yeah. Traumatised.

-Nice job, Bear.

What was really dangerous about that,

you know all the dangerous things Bear's done,

I have just given Bear so many diseases.

We live dangerously on this show.

Now, Dawn French, I happen to know, has been alive for 30 million minutes, is that correct?

-That's right.

-Isn't that cool?

We know this because it's the title of your new tour,

but it's also kind of true.

-It is true, give or take a few million.

-Minutes.

I'm 56 and that's about 30 million minutes, yes.

This tour, it runs from June 5, now going to the end of November.

If people want specific dates and theatres,

all the details are online.

-You're adding new dates all the time.

-They are online on a website.

I don't do technology, you know I don't do this,

but there is a website, Dawn French on tour.com or something.

I don't know what a website is. That's where it is. Don't look,

-is that what you said?

-You don't e-mail?

No, I don't Twitter, I don't Facebook or anything.

I have seen this website. Somebody has shown it to me.

-People do it for you.

-Kind of, I don't engage that way.

I don't have anything to say on there. Is that right?

-Usually comedians are the best at Twitter, though.

-Are they?

-Yeah.

-Doesn't it take up your whole life?

-I'm not good at that stuff.

-I feel like you'd be really good.

-Do you? Yeah, maybe I will get into it.

-I'd follow you.

-I want to get into it

-just as everybody else is getting out.

-Wait! I'm here.

I had lunch too, here's some pictures of my food.

This tour, I thought Kirsten's film was top secret,

but this tour is shrouded in more mystery than that.

-It's starting quite soon.

-It is starting soon.

Actually, as we've just said that,

I've eaten a bit of your sofa here with my bottom,

with the fear of the fact that it is in a couple of weeks' time.

-It's not just pure stand-up, there's a proper posh director.

-Yes.

It's not really stand-up at all.

-And yes, I'm working with Michael Grandage...

-Who's serious.

Yeah, absolutely. It's got some theatre chops, this show.

I've written it. It's very autobiographical.

It's basically me telling stories about things that have happened in my life

and asking questions about the things I'm not sure about yet.

It's me basically exploring what it is to be a person, if you like,

and how flawed we all are and all the things I've got wrong basically.

Ladies and gentleman,

since we last met Dawn French on this programme, married.

-Yes.

-Ding dong.

APPLAUSE

We just had our first wedding anniversary actually.

-Really?

-Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

The proposal, was that a down on one knee proposal?

No, it was on a gondola in Venice.

-I know that sounds cliche...

-No, those moments go with the cliche.

What I would say is what he did do is he engaged

the gondolier in a big conversation about the sewage system of Venice.

I thought, "We paid quite a lot of money for this,"

I didn't know that was what was going to come, "40 minutes in,

"we're still talking about shit.

"Would you look at me now. Available for kissing."

And suddenly he said it. I thought, "Huh, what?

"We were just in the sewage system and now this?!"

Yeah, it was in a gondola.

-Bear, when you proposed to your wife, had you planned that?

-Vaguely.

I proposed skinny dipping off a beach in Spain,

but it was a freezing cold Monday morning in winter in Spain

and we'd be skinny dipping and I thought, this is it.

For a man, that's the moment.

Girls get nervous for the wedding, for men,

the big thing is actually when you propose.

From then on, you're done. Do you know what I mean? The scary thing...

Wow.

Bit too much honesty there, Bear.

-Reel it in!

-You are so not done there.

-So not done.

-Done emotionally. This is a big thing.

So, I was pretty nervous.

I was kneeling on the beach.

I came out of the waves, big old Atlantic rolling behind.

I thought, "This is it." Ring in hand...

I thought, "Ah..."

Then a huge wave went crash!

And just took me like tumbleweed out on the beach.

I was pulling sand out of everywhere.

-Did you still have the ring?

-I was thinking that.

I gave it a second go.

I think, by this stage, she was saying,

"What are you doing? Why do you keep kneeling?"

So, you were naked on the beach, freezing?

-Freezing.

-I'm sure she was like, "Um..."

-I had to give a pre stretch.

Best foot forward, and all of that, Graham.

Maybe she had a similar experience to me with, you know, the worm.

It was winter, it was very cold.

She's a brave lady.

I'd be like, "You go. I'll be here with my blanket."

In the end, I think she felt sorry for me.

The question that story begs, I feel,

is "Where was the ring?"

You're right.

I had it firmly in my hand.

Even the whole time, when you were swimming?

-Prepared.

-What does that mean?

-I know!

-What are you getting at?

You'd really love me to say I had it secreted between my butt cheeks.

I don't know! Is that where it was?

-Yes.

-Oh!

No! No! In my hand!

-Oh, dear.

-How romantic(!)

That is lovely.

"Will you marry me?!"

"It's warm."

"I offer you my ring."

Sorry.

I'm actually quite upset.

-It's spoiling what was quite a romantic...

-Is it?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

I've suddenly become crude.

I'm laughing so hard my cheeks are numb.

Kirsten is a bit shocked.

-We've shocked Kirsten.

-It's very different in America.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Isn't it, though?

Now, Bear Grylls, new show called The Island with Bear Grylls,

Monday nights on Channel 4.

It's 13 men surviving on an island.

It is.

It's an experiment of what's modern man really made of?

If you take everything that we take for granted away from us,

like mobiles and computers,

and put people back on an island with nothing,

no camera teams even, what happens?

Are we still... Have we still got that resourcefulness

and that ability to look after ourselves

or have we lost generations of those skills in one generation?

We've got a taste. This is a taste of next Monday's episode,

which is episode three.

I want to find out what happens if you strip man of all the luxuries

and the conveniences of modern living

and then force them to fight for their very existence.

Brian, do you see everyone working here?

You've been walking around in a dream this morning and not doing any work.

I'm trying my hardest, I really am.

I'm really sorry, buddy.

-Don't be like that.

-But we're carrying you.

-I know you are.

-It's driving me bonkers.

I can't do it, Dan. I've got to go.

I need to get off the island. I've got no use.

Everyone is carrying me. I'm taking up water, I'm taking up food.

Let me just go.

Wow.

The thing is, you see...

You see what people are made of

when you put them in that sort of environment.

I think lots of people talk a good story - "I'll be a great survivor" -

and we watch films and we're used to the blueprint of a hero.

But actually, when you're stripped of everything,

heroes are made by how they act in the big moments,

when it's really... When you're starving.

These guys hadn't eaten for six days at one point.

Truth is, I came away with an incredible respect

for what a lot of these guys went through there.

There's been a lot of stuff in the papers about,

"Oh, you know, why have you just done men?"

But is it because women are too bright to apply to do this show?

Probably.

Why would you...?! It's like...

Actually, you say that,

something like 70% of the applicants...

We had tens of thousands of people apply,

which is the shocking thing in the first place,

but the majority of them were women.

It's funny, even though we said this was for men,

I think women want to also, just as much as men.

A - they want adventure.

B - people want to test themselves,

when they're really away from all of this.

How do you do?

So I'd love to do an all-women's one.

It would be amazing to see whether there's no drama,

whether they just quietly get on, they can multitask.

-I think it might be...

-I imagine they will.

Surely most interesting would be the women and men together.

-Then it becomes love on an island.

-Then you've got sex.

It was funny with the sex.

You think you put a bunch of men on the island...

It was a lot of bravado,

and a lot of talk initially about masturbating and all of this...

And then lots of crying.

What happens is once you get really hungry, tired,

thirsty and you feel your life is on the line more,

your body prioritises and an erection is...

That's a... That's... What do you call it?

-I don't know, what do you call it?

-Exactly.

-What? What?!

-It's a wasteful use of vital energy.

-Wow.

Right, like athletes don't do that.

So, their sex drives just plummeted, cos your body...

You need food and water

and I don't need an erection any more.

Did they get paid to be on the show?

They did get paid.

They got paid the equivalent of the salary they were missing at home.

All of them wanted to be there to test themselves, ultimately.

Now, listen,

no-one is going to accuse you of being sexist with your book

called Train For It. It's out on 5th June, I believe.

Basically, you've got Bear...

Look at that cover! If you don't mind me saying.

-I know!

-It's slightly embarrassing to see that.

-I slightly wince, if I'm honest.

-Why?

You must have noticed the photographer in front of you.

All the push-ups you did just before it, were you aware of those?

And what's slightly depressing,

we would assume that someone like you

who is constantly climbing, jumping and swinging off things

and not eating very much would be fit,

and yet, you're still having to lift bloody kettle things.

The truth is I need to be fit for my job.

You can't just rely on just doing it to be able to be fit.

You need to train for it.

That's a lot of... It's about explosive power

and dynamic functional movement.

For me, it really helps when I'm climbing,

or shimmying up vines...

And good for dance moves, as well.

-And good for dance moves.

-YMCA right there.

This, ladies and gentleman...

Seriously, this is bloody impressive.

Look at that.

Yes!

-That's a yoga thing, isn't it?

-I could get you doing that.

-You could do that.

-That's actually not that hard.

You rest on your elbows, right? I'm not going to do it in this dress.

-If I had jeans on, I would do it.

-I'll get Graham to do it.

I will be amazed if I can do this.

-Just have a sip of your wine.

-Put your hands down.

I can't even do that.

Knees on the outside of your elbows.

Take your jacket off. OK, maybe not.

Then we're leaning forward.

Then we put our weight on our hands.

-You're doing it!

-Yes!

Wow.

I don't need this. I've done it.

Frankly, look at that front cover...

-That's me.

-That is impressive.

Much more impressive than of all of that,

cos that is Bear hanging a massive weight

on his needless, pointless erection.

That's a wasteful expenditure of energy.

Bear, do you know what you are?

You're unstoppable. Yeah.

Just like my next guest.

Yes, she captured the hearts of a continent

when she won the Eurovision Song Contest last weekend.

Here's a reminder of how she did it.

# Rise like a Phoenix

# Out of the ashes

# Seeking love and vengeance

# Retribution, you were one

# Once I'm transformed

# Once I'm reborn

# You know I will rise like a Phoenix

# But you're my home. #

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conchita Wurst!

Oh, hello!

Come and sit down. That's Kirsten...

Dawn...

Bear...

Oh! Conchita Wurst, everybody!

Thank you.

-So, this is it?

-Yeah.

-This is the proper trophy?

I've only ever seen it from a distance.

-Wow. Is it one you get to keep?

-Yes, I do.

I know it's a bit embarrassing, but I carry it along all the way.

-Was that in your hand luggage today?

-Yes.

-Is it glass or plastic?

-Glass.

-You don't want to drop that.

-No.

-Congratulations, Conchita.

-Thank you.

Such a popular win on the night.

-Everyone was so happy.

-I cried the whole time.

I don't blame you. I was crying. We were all crying.

All the commentators were in the hall after going...

-CRYING:

-"Oh, it was so good, it was so good."

Everyone has been tweeting about you.

-Cher was tweeting about you.

-Yes.

-That's so cool.

-Yes, it is.

I was like, "Are you serious? You mean like Cher, Cher?"

You're the rightful heir to the Cher throne, I think.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

You know, actually, I was very excited about this tweet

because she gave me two advice.

She said, "Darling..."

Well, she didn't write darling, but in my mind, she said it.

APPLAUSE

She tweeted, "Darling, you deserve a lovelier name and a better wig."

-Oh, my God.

-My hairstylist was quite pissed.

-Well you chose Conchita, right?

-Yes.

Yeah, so that's...

Because I thought my hair was quite nice.

-It looks beautiful.

-Thank you.

Mind you, if anyone knows wigs, it's Cher.

-You have to listen to her wig advice.

-I know, I know.

She's all over that wig thing.

Apparently, some flowers were waiting for you

-in the dressing room.

-Yes...

-Tell the people who sent you flowers.

-Well, I got flowers

in my dressing room, and the card said,

"We love you, Elton and David."

-Oh, my God!

-Yes.

He didn't get any flowers!

Listen, let's talk about the beard because, to my mind,

in this country, there's a legacy

of mainstream entertainers, from Danny LaRue, Dame Edna, Lily Savage,

but even here in Britain, people are a bit,

if not freaked out,

they are kind of confused by the beard.

Why do you think the beard is such a big deal?

Actually, I don't really... Well, I know it is something

that you don't see every day,

but I created this bearded lady to show everybody...

It is so cheesy, but you've just got one life,

and you better make it fabulous.

That is just my own truth.

I feel this stage persona,

and I felt more comfortable on stage.

Besides that, I am a member of the gay community,

and our stories are similar,

and being a teenager in this small village

wasn't the most fun thing on earth.

So, over the years, I tried to fit in,

and I changed myself in every way you can imagine.

I just wanted to be part of the game.

Then I realised, "Well, I create the game."

-Yeah. Absolutely.

-DAWN:

-Yeah.

Can I just say, the wonderful thing about watching you there,

and, as you say, you don't see this every day,

but A - it's amazingly glamorous,

and B - you completely inhabit your skin so beautifully.

And I think you raise so many questions,

but you're also all of the answers.

That is what is so great about you. There is no doubt.

So, Conchita Wurst, you are all over the papers, all over the internet,

so what is your plan now?

-Have you made a plan yet?

-No.

-Tick tock, make a plan.

I know! You know, our society is so fast,

and everything is so quick.

I want to try and sit back

and look and watch and choose wisely.

Do you have material for an album already?

Was that all there, or will you have to write new songs?

Oh, I have to make new stuff,

because, yeah, there are some songs,

but my goal is a Grammy,

so these songs better be good.

Yeah. You should ask Sia...

-Sia writes good songs.

-Yeah, I know.

I think America...

America is already...

It's weird, because America doesn't really pay attention to Eurovision,

but America has gone mad for you.

So, if I was you, I'd just go to Heathrow and go there.

I'm sure Elton will write you a song.

-Yes!

-I mean, come on.

-I'll ask him.

-Yeah, you should.

Or you could represent the UK at Eurovision next year.

-DAWN:

-Yeah! Yes, please.

Can you go back?

Yeah, you can.

Listen, Conchita, we are so happy that you have entered our lives,

-and good luck for the future.

-Thank you so much.

It's music time now.

This young man... Well, what an amazing year he's had.

He's won both the Critics Choice BRIT Award

and the BBC Sound of 2014 Award.

He's since gone on to top the charts,

and here he is with his current single Stay With Me.

Please welcome Sam Smith!

MUSIC: "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith

# I guess it's true, I'm not good at a one night stand

# But I still need love cos I'm just a man

# These nights never seem to go to plan

# I don't want you to leave

# Will you hold my hand?

# Oh, won't you stay with me?

# Cos you're all I need

# This ain't love, it's clear to see

# But, darling, stay with me

# Why am I so emotional?

# No, it's not a good look

# Gain some self control

# Deep down, I know this never works

# But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

# Oh, won't you stay with me?

# Cos you're all I need

# This ain't love, it's clear to see

# But, darling, stay with me

# Oh!

# Oh, no...

# Oh!

# No, no

# Oh, won't you stay with me?

# Cos you're all I need

# This ain't love, it's clear to see

# But, darling, stay with me

# Oh, won't you stay with me?

# Cos you're all I need

# This ain't love, it's clear to see

# But, darling, stay with me

# But, darling, stay with me

# But, darling, stay...

# With me. #

Sam Smith, everybody! How amazing.

That was beautiful.

Really, seriously. Really brilliant job. Sam Smith!

-Bear...

-Hello.

-This is Dawn.... Kirsten...

-Nice to meet you.

Beautiful, so good.

-I've loved your song ever since I saw you on SNL.

-Thank you.

Conchita, Sam, Conchita.

Hello! How are you?

He's in there. He is in the mix.

-There is your whiskey.

-Yes!

-It's like a dog treat to reward him.

He was like, "I want a whiskey after I sing."

Listen, congratulations. Huge congratulations.

That is from the new album which isn't even out yet. 26th May.

And that single is out on Sunday.

Because you would not think that you could write

a romantic song about a one night stand,

but it's beautiful.

It's not really romantic, it's more depressing.

That's what I see as romantic.

It's true. I try to see the beauty

in something that is pretty disgusting, sometimes.

You could always make them a nice breakfast.

Try to cheer it up a bit. Toast, anyone?

Here is the weird thing.

I'm sure, to you, it doesn't feel like it has happened fast,

but the album isn't even out yet,

and you've already been to America, done the big shows.

I saw Sam on SNL. I bought his song immediately.

-Thank you.

-I've been listening to it a lot. It makes me want to cry.

My girlfriend first saw you on SNL and said,

"You have to watch SNL now", because I always watch it later.

She said, "This guy has an amazing voice. You have to watch it."

-So, congratulations. You deserve it.

-Amazing. Thank you.

That was the scariest night of my life, SNL.

-I bet.

-You did it so well.

-Thank you very much.

You know what you should do next?

Eurovision.

I'm down.

You are a young man, a young man.

Do Eurovision.

Right, before we go tonight,

story time in the Red Chair.

-Who's there? Hello!

-Hello!

LAUGHTER

-What's your name?

-My name is John.

Where you from? America?

I am from America, but I live just outside London now

-in a little village called Claygate.

-Oh, I love it! What do you do?

I am a youth pastor in the Church of England.

Oh, right. OK. He's proper.

Off you go, John.

So, when I was 11 years old,

I was sitting in maths class, bored out of my mind,

and I decided to see how much spit I could save up in my mouth

in the course of the class.

I'll just stop you there. I like John enormously.

That is the sort of thing you did in school, didn't you?

"I'll see how much spit I can get in my mouth."

I love it.

I stopped swallowing, and I realised...

I didn't take long, about five minutes in,

my cheeks were bulging.

I thought, "I have an enormous amount of spit in my mouth",

and I was just sitting in class, and I thought,

"This is too disgusting to swallow."

I was overwhelmed by it.

Out of nowhere, this powerful sneeze comes on.

Spit coming way out of my mouth, hits the person next to me,

all over the floor, and the teacher stops teaching,

says, "John, that is nasty!"

I have to get a mop bucket, I'm mopping up my own spit.

And looking out, there's just a classroom of girls

with this disgusted look on their face.

That was it.

-You can walk.

-Yeah.

To be frank, I'm not sure there was much of a choice.

-Just saying.

-Sorry. I'm like, "Don't make him!"

-It is a funny story.

-It was.

It had no end. I feel he should work on an ending to the story

and it could do him for the rest of his life.

That's his story. One more.

-Hello?

-Hi. I'm Josh.

-Where are you from?

-Brixton.

-What do you do?

-I'm a tree surgeon.

Tree surgeon, everyone.

You can never find one when you need one, but here he is.

You will get work out of this.

Good with wood.

Yes!

That can be on the side of his van.

You must have to travel to be a tree surgeon.

There are trees in London...

I've seen them.

There are trees in London, Conchita.

Josh is your man if you need any surgery on a tree.

OK, John. Off you go with your story. Josh. Whatever your name is.

When I was a forester, I was living in Devon,

and we were cutting trees down and they were

falling and there was this one that didn't quite fall down,

and we forgot about it and carried on,

and we said, "Right, let's have some lunch."

We sat down, eating lunch, chatting away,

and suddenly everybody gets up and starts running past me.

I'm like, "What's happening?"

Suddenly, I turn round, and this tree is coming down on top of me

and I moved out the way and rolled,

and literally by inches, it landed by the side of me,

and I lost my lunch.

It had the makings of a good story but it wasn't enough.

Bear was liking it, though.

It was a near death incident. By that much.

-If it was two inches to the right...

-And he lost his lunch.

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in the Red Chair,

you can contact us via our website at this address...

Thank you to my guests tonight.

Sam Smith, everybody!

Bear Grylls!

Dawn French!

Kirsten Dunst!

And the one and only Conchita Wurst!

Join me next week with Hollywood stars Jonah Hill

and Channing Tatum, musical maestro Pharrell Williams,

and, in a rare appearance, the one and only Dame Julie Andrews.

I'll see you then! Goodnight! Goodbye!