Episode 11 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, we'll be talking about the new Quentin Tarantino film.

How to make the show more Tarantino? We need a cool soundtrack.

MUSIC: Misirlou by Dick Dale Loving it.

We need some really offensive language.

-Shit!

-Steady on! LAUGHTER

And we need a random act of sudden violence.

Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Thank you!

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Good evening! CHEERING

Yes, yes, thank you very much.

Great line-up tonight, including the star of the new Tarantino film,

The Hateful Eight,

where all the characters are trapped together during a snowstorm.

You can tell it's a Tarantino movie because of the snowman outside.

I have to say, though, my favourite Tarantino film

has to be Inglourious Basterds.

WHOOPING Yeah, I know.

Look, the word "Basterds" has been spelt wrongly.

Mind you, that can happen with swear words.

Look how they've spelt the word "twat" here.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's get some guests on!

Later, we'll have music and chat from sensational singer-songwriter Sia!

CHEERING

But first, he's one of Britain's biggest new comedy stars,

and is winning a legion of new fans with his BBC sitcom Josh,

please welcome Josh Widdicombe!

CHEERING

Hello.

-Hello, sir, nice to see you, have a seat.

-Very good.

She is the star of Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, Mean Girls,

Baby Mama, Date Night.

Now, she's starring in the hilarious new film Sisters.

Please welcome the first lady of American comedy, it's Tina Fey!

CHEERING

Yes, oh, I'm so excited to meet you.

-Hello. How are you?

-Fine, thank you.

-Sit down. That's Josh.

-Nice to meet you.

And this Hollywood great began his career at the age of ten.

And, over five decades, he's starred in classic hits like Overboard,

Big Trouble In Little China, Tombstone, and Escape From New York.

Now, he's starring in Tarantino's newest epic, The Hateful Eight.

Please welcome the mighty Kurt Russell!

CHEERING

Oh! Hello! How are you?

You're so fresh-faced.

APPLAUSE

Welcome all.

-Hello, everybody. GUESTS:

-Hello.

Thanks for being here. Before I do another thing, I should apologise.

If you've tuned in to see Quentin Tarantino himself, he can't make it.

But, hey, we've got the star of the movie,

Kurt Russell, ladies and gentlemen! APPLAUSE

Better. Better.

-Why did he not come?

-He's overextended!

You know what it is? I don't know if it's superstition or not,

but he's watching the premiere of the movie here.

And he said, "If I leave... I just can't do it."

-So he's not seen it?

-I said, "Can I say that to Graham?"

He said, "Yeah, please do."

-OK, cool.

-I was afraid I'd offended him,

-because we did a joke about him...

-You did!

-..at the Golden Globes

where I said he was the star of my sexual nightmares.

But I think he liked it!

That's very good, got a good sense of humour.

Josh, you don't care. You're just a huge Kurt Russell fan.

I'm a huge Kurt Russell fan.

This is very exciting.

My favourite film that you've done, Kurt,

I got recommended a film by my friend Nathaniel

called The Barefoot Executive.

A few millennia ago.

-It's the best.

-It's so good.

It's the best premise for a film of all time.

It's funny you say that. It got to be known as that.

It didn't look like it at first. But it's a pretty funny idea.

If you haven't seen it, it's about Kurt, who's a TV executive,

and his friend who is a monkey.

LAUGHTER

And, get this, the monkey, if it watches a show,

it knows if it's going to be a hit or a miss.

-It's genius!

-It's amazing.

There's a picture of you and the chimp.

There you are.

-Oh, wow!

-It's such a good film.

I actually think it's better than The Godfather.

LAUGHTER

Tina, you are here promoting your movie, Sisters.

-Yep.

-And you've been rolling out your British accent.

Yes, Amy and I did a little parody, a short called The Farce Awakens

where we are doing a fake behind-the-scenes

in the style of all these behind-the-scenes Star Wars things.

-IN A BRITISH ACCENT:

-We're British in it,

speaking like this to hide the fact that we're drunk.

Which really works, because you can't tell.

I'm so drunk right now, you can't tell, I just sound proper.

The Star Wars thing... Your movie is really, really good.

Thank you.

-But it may not be the number-one film that week.

-I don't know(!)

I think it's too soon to tell.

Definite awareness is high.

It comes out the same day as Star Wars, so,

-it's what they call counterprogramming.

-OK.

Like when they put on very gay shows during the Super Bowl.

Is the Super Bowl currently on?!

Somewhere! Somewhere it is.

The weird thing is, you auditioned for Star Wars, didn't you, Kurt?

Oh, yeah, years ago, they were going to do this movie.

Guys my age were all going in to read for it.

I read for both parts, actually, for Han Solo and...

Princess Leia!

It went in a different direction.

It's funny because, at the time,

it was the Millennium Falcon this, the Death Star that.

We had no idea what we were talking about.

"Like, this is a real turkey."

That was the Death Star, you know.

There's this young guy. Lucas was about 25 or something.

I said, "I've got to make a choice here.

"Do you know if you're going to use me in this movie?"

He said, "There's a lot of combinations that I'm looking at

"and I don't know."

I said, "I've got to go to work."

-What did you do instead of Star Wars?

-I didn't do it instead of Star Wars,

he may not have used me.

-Let's go with, you did it instead of Star Wars.

-Yeah.

-He turned down Star Wars.

-I did not turn down Star Wars!

Please, God, let it be the chimp film!

LAUGHTER

I didn't turn down anything.

Tina Fey, you've given us your Princess Leia.

Yeah, I was a big Star Wars fan as a kid.

And I've dressed up like Princess Leia for TV shows. Just any excuse.

In 30 Rock, I was always getting...

To get out of jury duty, I would dress up like Princess Leia.

If you want to meet some perverts, dress up like Princess Leia!

Some guy from the crew you've never met before will come talk to you.

People, it's a real specific... pervert that likes that.

Imagine a version of Star Wars that was never made

where you're Princess Leia and you're Han Solo.

-Do the "I love you" line.

-Oh, oh, yeah.

-Getting into character. Hold on.

-Very professional.

-My hair...

-There's some perverts coming over from the horizon.

Um. I love you.

I know.

See, that's cool. He should have got it.

Mwargh!

Very good. APPLAUSE

A bit of Chewbacca, nice. Nice.

Let's talk about the new Tarantino epic, The Hateful Eight.

It opens here on the 8th of January.

And it is Tarantino, but it's a western, it's epic.

So, which of The Hateful Eight are you, Kurt?

I'm John Ruth, John "The Hangman" Ruth. I bring my bounties in alive.

He's bringing this bounty in, and there's a snowstorm.

Pick up a couple of guys that are out there in the snow

in the middle of nowhere, which is suspicious to him already,

he's very paranoid.

Samuel Jackson is also a bounty hunter,

so he might want to take his bounty from him.

And then there is a guy who claims to be the sheriff.

They're trying to make it to Red Rock where they'll get the money,

or he's going to the money for this bounty.

And now they've got to stop at this place that's a halfway spot.

And there's already people there.

So he's very paranoid about everybody there.

Then the whole movie is about what unfolds.

Who's who, who's lying about who they are,

who might not be who they are.

-And it's Tarantino, so there will be blood.

-Oh, there will.

There will be blood!

We've got a picture of you as John Ruth. Can I just say,

as a beard owner myself, some great beard work here.

That took four months to grow.

-That's a moustache wearing a man.

-Is that real?

-Yeah.

Oh, good work.

Well, Goldie didn't think highly of it.

In the movie, it looks stunning.

But I must say, I'm with Goldie,

in real life it didn't really work that well.

LAUGHTER

This is the life of an actor.

But you are married to a beard.

I am married to a beard.

-I am not a beard!

-No!

But I am married...

My husband's got a beard, a nice salt-and-pepper beard like yours.

I like it. I wouldn't have said I was a beard person,

but I like it on him.

The beard I don't like is, and you see this a lot at home,

you get a fat guy who shaves that skinny little beard here

to show where his jaw would be!

Or the one down here that my friend Paula refers to as a "furtle" neck.

But I like a good...

Do you like the way it looks, but not like the way it feels?

I mean, it's softer now. When it's coming in, it's a little scratchy,

but I'm used to it now, and I think it suits him, the salt and pepper.

-Ah, Goldie hates it.

-It's nice, but baby skin is nice.

Can you grow a beard?

If we had a race, I think I could beat him

if we had a beard-growing race.

-It would be patchy but I could do it.

-No, I can't, really.

I've never grown a proper beard, because it's patchy and ginger.

-That doesn't sound great.

-Quit bragging!

Patchy and Ginger could be a pop duo.

No. It's no good. You shave those bits, don't you, there?

Yes, shave it there, otherwise it would eventually

just grow up and join my eyebrows.

And I could pick hit-or-miss television shows, it would be good.

The Hateful Eight, we've got a clip.

These are some moments from The Hateful Eight.

Got room for one more?

This here is Daisy Domergue, she's wanted dead or alive for murder.

When that sun comes out, I'm taking this woman to hang.

Is there anybody here committed to stoppin' me from doing that?

Looks like Minnie's Haberdashery's about to get coated.

One of them fellas is not what he says he is.

APPLAUSE

-It's seriously good.

-Yeah.

Everyone says making a Tarantino movie isn't like anything else.

Now that he's not here...

-We can talk about it.

-What does that mean?

Is it a good thing it's not like anything else?

It's funny, I'd heard a lot about him,

and his people talk about his mercurial way.

I don't know. I love the guy, I just think he's great.

His heart's in it. I wish every actor could work with him.

Cheers for that!

All I can say is, come prepared to give everything you can think of.

If you come ready to play, you're going to have the time of your life.

If you're not ready to play, or if you're lazy,

or if it doesn't click or doesn't mean that much to you,

then it's not going to work.

-He has rules on set, doesn't he?

-Um. Yeah, just a couple.

One of them is that you can't bring any device you can turn on or off,

which I think is great. You're there to work.

I don't think you should have anything like that.

The other one's a little rougher,

tougher on me because I grew up sleeping on sets.

When I hear people working, I like to slump down and take a nap.

As you get older, you like to take more and more naps,

and he won't allow sleeping on his set.

So, if anybody is caught sleeping,

one of his rules is that they will slide in

and put Big Jerry next to your face,

and take a picture of you with Big Jerry, and put you on the wall.

-What is Big Jerry?

-Big Jerry's a dildo that's about that big.

-Purple.

-Purple?

-It's a purple dildo.

-Purple dildo.

Can you turn Big Jerry on and off?

You know what? Sometimes I get tired,

and I'd say, "Bring me Big Jerry."

I don't know where we got this. It's a picture from Inglourious Basterds

-of Brad Pitt with Big Jerry.

-Could be. There you go.

Jerry is big, I'll give you that.

Tina, you started directing, started as a director, quite young.

Was it in school or summer camp?

Yeah, I'm not really a director

but when I was in community theatre in my town

and I would be, like, the assistant to the director

in this little town theatre.

Mostly just leveraged it to sabotage girls that I was jealous of.

This girl was dating the boy that I loved,

and I would be like, "I don't think she's right for this."

Really, like, just the worst behaviour you've ever seen

at such a low level.

Such a low-stakes sabotage.

-Well done, you, though.

-Yeah, I did it, nailed it.

When you became head writer on Saturday Night Live,

then you DID have to deal with big stars' egos.

Yes. Have you hosted?

-No.

-You've never done it?

-Nope.

-Maybe for this you should it.

-No, no.

-Why? You would have so much fun.

I'm just one of those people,

-you are better off without me.

-No, I doubt it.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, yeah. You too!

But, you do, you have all these big stars come through every week.

But you do realise that, even though they're Oscar winners

and big stars, that they're kind of nervous

-and they just want...

-They want it to be good.

-They want it to be good.

And they want you to tell them. "Just tell me how to do it."

I remember I got pranked. My very first show there.

I was, like, 27 years old.

And my first show, the host was Sylvester Stallone

which is a big, that's like Kurt, like a movie star.

-No, I've heard of him!

-Yeah!

And we were doing some sketch, and then,

I was assigned to help out and be a helper on this sketch.

They were like, they just pranked me,

"You need to go into his dressing room

"and tell him we can't understand anything he's saying."

"OK."

And he was so sweet about it.

It was clearly not the first time he'd gotten that note.

He was, like, "Aw, you can't understand me, all right. I'll try to enunciate."

But he was so nice. Everyone just wants to do a good job.

He's a great guy, isn't he? I got to work with him once,

-he's just a wonderful guy.

-Tango And Cash!

-Yep.

-Yes.

Yay! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Kurt, in the movie, you play another one of these big alpha males.

We've seen you in Backdraft, Big Trouble In Little China, Stargate.

And, of course, Escape From New York, another terrific film.

WHOOPING Yes.

APPLAUSE

You were saying, when you were making this movie, and in the outfit,

you knew this movie was going to work.

Oh, um. Yeah.

Of course, you shoot Escape From New York in St Louis(!)

The reason we did was because, at that time, the centre of St Louis

was literally bombed out.

There was nothing there so it was perfect for our needs.

That's good news, isn't it(?)

Every cloud!

There were never even any bums down there at night,

there was nothing down there.

We were just young guys, and we were doing this show.

And John Carpenter said, "OK, run down there about five blocks,

"and get off camera.

"We'll give you a walkie-talkie and tell you to come,

"want to get a shot of you running down here."

So I had that outfit on, and this was 1980,

and I had this massive machinegun, and another gun on my hip,

my eye patch on.

And going down there, I'm getting in the Snake mood.

And Snake was a pretty bad boy, he didn't much care about anything.

By the time I got down there, and turned to the corner,

I'm ready to go. And I turn the corner and there's four big guys

coming round the corner from their side.

They're coming, and they stopped.

And they looked at me.

Because of the eye patch,

I had this habit of turning my head to see what I was looking at.

They saw this guy just eyeballing them.

And there was that quarter of a second where

something was going to go.

They looked at me and went, "Easy, man, easy!"

They all turned around and walked away.

I remember coming around the corner and told John,

"I think this character's going to work!"

APPLAUSE

Now, you are the real deal. Growing up, you were the jock, Kurt,

you were the sportsman, all of that.

But, I have to say, you are on the couch with Nerd Central.

-What?!

-No... No.

Tina. You do a lot of material about growing up a nerd,

-but you really were a nerd.

-Yeah. No, I really was.

-We've got photographic evidence.

-There you go, this will prove it.

I would say that haircut was done by folding my face in half,

and cutting out a heart.

The worst haircut of all time.

-I look like the guy from Spinal Tap.

-Who did it?

My mum used to take me to a haircutting school

because you could get literally a 2 haircut.

-You were the guinea pig!

-The sign outside the school said,

"London, Paris, Upper Derby."

You've talked about your late blossoming,

-your sexual awakening.

-Thank you for bringing that up.

I was wanting to make sure everyone knew.

I was a late starter.

Yeah, for sure, I probably didn't see a penis until I was at least 20,

and that was probably a medical journal.

So, to see a healthy penis, well into my late 20s.

"Well, it's not...mottled.

"It's fine."

-Oh?

-Oh, oh, oh!

It's still horrible-looking!

But then, this is so weird to be talking to someone about this,

but you did...

-You did...

-Look at my body language.

-You did develop physically quite early.

-Again, thank you!

-Yeah. You must have read this in Bossypants.

-Yeah.

I was wearing, cross my heart, that haircut and, like, a bra.

I remember my mom taking me to JC Penney,

and trying a bra on over my clothes in the middle of JC Penney.

And being like, "No! No, Mommy, no!"

Like, there's no turning back.

-That was, like, ten.

-Ten!

Literally, at the same time, 1980,

the same time Kurt was scaring men in the streets of St Louis,

I was, like, now, smash, cut to a JC Penney in Philadelphia.

"No, Mommy, no!"

Josh, we don't need to look for nerdy pictures of you

-because they're in the title sequence of your sitcom.

-Yeah.

-Here you are as a little, little boy.

-Aw, come on!

That was my Elton John phase.

This next one, you are such a high achiever.

Here you are, look at that!

What competition had you won second and third prize in?

I think it was worst shell suit, wasn't it?

It was at the local village flower show for flower arranging.

LAUGHTER

That wasn't the answer I was expecting!

Was it a flower arrangement you did?

-Yeah, I did the flower arrangement.

-Two.

-Two?

You came second and third.

I think the other one, there was a class which was

best animal model made out of vegetables.

And my dad cheated and did it himself.

And still came third!

And then we've got one more picture of you. Ah!

That's good.

-Like a young Martina Navratilova!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, listen. Tina Fey, geek no more.

Because, in your new movie, Sisters, you play the wild child.

I do. We're sisters who are opposites of each other

in a lot of ways. And I opted to play the wrecking ball,

this woman who's a single mum, she's a trashy hairdresser.

Because I never get to play stuff like that.

And the nice thing about the movie, we play sisters, Amy and I,

and my character is a wild woman who's trying to reform herself.

So it's almost like, if I were in a film, or it's like,

"I was the greatest ice skater of all time,

"but now I'm in this wheelchair."

You hear a lot about how hot I was, how many drugs I did,

but I don't do any of if in the film.

Amy's character is the more uptight caregiver one.

She's cutting loose over the film.

That's better casting because she's the one you want to see

go completely off the chain by the end of the film.

It opens tomorrow, I'll have you know. And it is really, really funny.

-Aw, thanks.

-You and Amy, you are best friends or just good friends?

We're very good friends. We live on opposite sides of the country now.

So, the only time we get to hang out is when we work together.

So that's the main reason we keep trying to do it.

We've known each other for over 20 years.

We met in Chicago, doing improv.

Amy likes to say that our friendship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone.

As old as Madonna's daughter. I'd say it's as beautiful.

So, we've done weird things.

We've done jobs where we were touring sketch comedy in a van

for 75 bucks a show.

And we've done Saturday Night Live. We used to do the fake news.

Then we've done the Golden Globes together.

So we always have these weird gigs,

but we always say yes so we can hang out.

We've got a clip. This is you and your sister played by Amy Poehler,

-choosing your outfits for the party.

-We try to go dress shopping.

What do you think, Brayla?

That looks amazing on you.

-I never met a Brayla before.

-I know, like, three.

So you're trending. God bless.

It's a lot of underteat, but I think I'm getting away with it.

Also, it's on backwards.

-Is it?

-Mm.

-How's it going in there?

-I don't get this dress.

One of my apples keeps rolling out of the bag.

I like the story it tells with the fringe.

-You're going to have to rock a thong with this.

-No, I don't wear thongs.

I have a very fuzzy taint.

You have to build up a callous. Right, Brayla?

That looks amazing on you.

APPLAUSE

I want to ask Kurt...

I'm getting worried now.

..which movie has more use of the word "taint"?

LAUGHTER

The other thing about that clip that's funny is, in the movie,

and this is really going to sell tickets, they digitally paint,

in the movie, you see the bottom of my boobs

but, for clip purposes, they've digitally painted a bra on me.

-That's so weird.

-You really want to see my underteat.

That's so weird you say that because I saw the clip and I thought,

I don't remember the bra!

-That's how sexy it is.

-There we go.

-Couldn't show it.

Tina Fey, you've done all these extraordinary things.

Saturday Night Live, your sitcom 30 Rock and NBC.

And yet, the thing that brought you so much attention

-was the bizarre coincidence of you looking like someone.

-Yes.

It was a weird thing, and it seems like a million years ago now.

-I guess it's eight years ago.

-Is it that long ago already?

That I just happen to look like this woman, Sarah Palin,

who was a vice-presidential nominee.

-And I don't even look that much like her.

-Oh, yes, you do!

Yes, you do. We've got a picture of you dressed up as her.

This is spectacular.

-You do look very like her.

-It was the weirdest thing.

It was a six-week window at the end of the last presidential election

where it was this crazy storm of us doing sketches,

being on the news all the time.

-It seems so gentle and lovely now compared to...

-Yeah, really!

What's good news is you don't look like Donald Trump.

That is good.

The resemblance is so good - I know it's only Fox News -

but even Fox News confused you.

They ran a picture of me and thought it was her.

-Really?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's amazing.

Have you kept in touch with her in any way? We have lunch every... No!

We had a big 40th anniversary show of SNL, she came. I saw her there.

-What was she like?

-She's lovely.

Your version of her was lovely to her.

-You were nice about that.

-Thank you.

-We tried to be fair.

-You were fun and funny, but it wasn't nasty bad.

Thank you for saying so.

Amy Poehler was playing Hillary Clinton at the time,

and we both were very aware we didn't want it to just be nasty.

-But it is weird when you play a real person.

-Yeah.

-You've done it.

-Had to do Elvis.

-A very famous person!

-He was not alive.

That is about as famous as it gets.

Elvis, that was what established you as...

I was going to say an adult movie star, but that makes it sound wrong!

Adult film worker!

A movie star as an adult, that was your big break-out role, wasn't it?

It really was.

But the thing about it is, when you're playing the Coca Cola can,

because everybody knows...

You got that. At that time, Sarah Palin was really well-known.

Everybody knew what she looked like and sounded like.

It's very difficult.

Because you get the parameters there.

You cannot go outside of that or you start losing.

But I only had to be two-dimensional.

You had to portray this person as three-dimensional.

-But I had help with the screenplay and the story.

-Sure.

It had a lot going for it.

It's so odd that this thing crops up in your life

-because one of your very first acting roles was with the real Elvis.

-Yeah.

It was 1962, something like that, it was The World's Fair.

I was ten years old, and I got this job

to play this kid that kicks Elvis in the shins.

-There you are, kicking Elvis in the shin.

-Here I am, kicking away.

He wants to meet a girl, a nurse.

So he figures he gets this kid to injure him a little bit.

And I kind of hit him a little too hard.

But he pays me 50 cents.

Later on, when she's with him, I run into him at the fair

and I say, "Hey, mister, do you want me to kick you in the shin again?"

He goes, "Get away."

"You can do it for a quarter, I'll take a quarter."

Was that the film?!

Wow! That's better than the monkey one!

Did you get that it was Elvis, as a kid?

No.

It was my first brush with celebrity.

I'd never... I was just a kid, you know.

-Was he nice to you?

-Yeah, he was great. He was a really nice man.

He came on the set in a car.

You know, it was The World's Fair, it was just opening,

so there were a lot of people.

And, all of a sudden, he came on the set.

And maybe 2,000 or 3,000 women just jumped the car.

He had to bail out and come in a different way.

I thought, "This guy must really be famous!"

Josh Widdicombe, in your sitcom,

you do get to meet your childhood showbiz heroes.

-I do, yes. The Chuckle Brothers.

-Yes.

WHOOPING

I tell you what, guys, there they are with me.

My hair's not like that throughout the sitcom.

That's not what happens if you straighten my hair.

It does look really long.

-You probably don't know the Chuckle Brothers.

-I don't.

They're like the British version of you and Amy Poehler.

That's what it looks like to me.

The most well-respected people in British comedy.

They are. They've got a catchphrase

you might like to incorporate into your act?

-What is it?

-If you say, "To me."

-Say it.

-To me?

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To... To me.

This is a dream I never thought would happen.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I really hope the Chuckle Brothers are watching this!

This is the sitcom, Josh, it's on BBC Three on Wednesday nights at 10:30.

If you haven't caught one yet, you can catch the last episode

next Wednesday, or stay tuned because it's repeated after this very show.

-It's semi-autobiographical?

-Semi-autobiographical.

It's about when I was, three or four years ago, living in a flatshare.

Kind of not doing very well in life and career.

So, SEMI-autobiographical!

Not content with having a sitcom, you are touring the land.

-I am touring the land, yes.

-You look thrilled about it(!)

That was at the start of the tour. Imagine how I feel now.

I'm going everywhere.

I think I'm in Dorking as we speak.

Oh, OK, yeah, great.

Forgot about that part!

I bet it's going really well!

Honestly, Graham, best audience of the tour, can't believe it.

Can't believe I got carried from the venue on their shoulders, amazing.

You had a very bad gig, but this wasn't on the tour.

No. A lot of my early gigs,

I'm sure you started on the same open-mic scene that I did.

There were awful things like...

I don't know what it was like when you started doing comedy in America,

I once played to two people.

I've done entire plays for two people.

-These two were on a first date.

-LAUGHTER

And, I tell you how well the date went.

The second half, we played to one person!

That's a bad gig.

When were the farmers involved?

Oh. I once did a gig at a farmers' college.

All right! Not all of us could work with Elvis at the age of ten!

Some of us has to work our way up the hard way.

Are you drinking because my story's so sad?

-Just wanted to know if you wanted to have that.

-Thank you.

-You're very gentlemanly.

-Oh, it's Coca Cola, I thought it was wine!

Here you go, mate, you have that and I'll tell you about my shit life!

LAUGHTER

Let's get going on this thing now.

APPLAUSE

So, farmers' college, farmers' college?

So, it was to more people this time, about 300...pricks.

I was booked to do 20, I had to leave the stage after 6 minutes...

because I refused to down a pint.

They stopped the gig so that I had to down a pint.

I got off, and it was revealed to me that it was a pint of piss.

AUDIENCE GASPS

-Wow.

-You had a problem with that?!

Didn't you want to entertain the people?!

What, and leave showbusiness?

I wonder if there's a stand-up comic watching this, going, "I drank that."

It happens every year!

We've got a clip from Josh.

-This is you with your landlord, played by Jack Dee.

-Jack Dee.

In this clip, he's teaching you how to swim.

This is the butterfly stroke.

So called because it mirrors the graceful flap of the butterfly wing.

HE PANTS EXAGGERATEDLY

Really?

Over a short distance, it's actually faster than front crawl.

-So, once again.

-I'm just going to use this opportunity for a picture.

So, it's arms, legs, breathing out.

-Breathing out. Breathing out.

-HE EXHALES RHYTHMICALLY

-Have you got that?

-I've got it.

-Can you remember it all?

-Definitely.

-Are you sure?

-Yep.

-Reckon you can do it?

-Yep.

Wrong. Butterfly is actually the hardest stroke,

it's way beyond your capabilities, Josh, avoid at all costs.

APPLAUSE

Right, it's time for our musical guest tonight.

This multi-platinum selling singer-songwriter

had over a billion hits on YouTube for her hit single Chandelier,

and has become the most famous unseen face in the music business.

Here, performing her current single, Alive, please welcome Sia!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I was born in a thunder storm

# I grew up overnight

# I played alone and I played on my own

# I survived

# I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go

# Where the wind don't change and nothing in the ground can ever grow

# No hope, just lies and you're taught to cry into your pillow

# But I survived

# I'm still breathing I'm still breathing

# I'm still breathing I'm still breathing

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I found solace in the strangest place

# Way in the back of my mind

# I saw my life in a stranger's face

# And it was mine

# I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go

# Where the wind don't change and nothing in the ground can ever grow

# No hope, just lies, and you're taught to cry into your pillow

# But I survived

# I'm still breathing I'm still breathing

# I'm still breathing I'm still breathing

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I have made every single mistake that you could ever possibly make

# I took and I took and I took what you gave

# But you never noticed that I was in pain

# I knew what I wanted I went out and got it

# I did all the things that you said that I wouldn't

# I told you that I would never be forgotten and all in spite of you

# I'm still breathing I'm still breathing

# I'm still breathing I'm still breathing

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive

# I'm alive. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sia, fantastic job!

I will lead you over, hang on, Sia.

By the way, big round of applause for Julia on the floor there.

CHEERING Hooray!

You come with me, my dear.

-OK. There's a step, there's a step.

-Got it. Got it.

-We walk. Step, step.

-Oh, my gosh, my mic just fell out of my underpants!

LAUGHTER

-We can hold it together.

-There you go.

She's walking. We'll go round the back of the couch. There's a step.

-No. Step, step. And walk around here.

-Yep, yep.

-OK. I'll pop you down here at the end.

-OK. Beauty.

-The man next to you is Kurt Russell.

-Hi, Kurt!

-Hi, how are you?

-Good, how are you?

LAUGHTER

That was a good one.

-Hi, Tina. How are you?

-Nice to see you.

-We met briefly at SNL 40.

-I remember. I saw your face.

-The other male voice is Josh.

-Hello.

Hi, Josh, you sounded funny, I caught a bit of you on the way in.

-Do you want your drink?

-Oh, thank you.

-There you go.

-OK.

-It is a non-alcoholic beverage, isn't it?

-I don't know.

It's not piss.

It's a pint of piss(!)

We all went in it while you were singing(!)

LAUGHTER

That's what we call a freelapse.

I don't want to miss this. I'm going to get a good look at this.

Yeah, it's water.

-You're really great, obviously quite brilliant.

-Thank you.

If you keep this going for about ten years and just live your life.

-Wouldn't that be cool if that worked?

-Yeah, nobody knows.

Does anybody else feel like a spare part?

Kurt, last time Sia was here, her back was to the camera.

-Yeah.

-So, baby steps, you're now facing the right direction.

-Yeah.

The track we just heard, Alive, is on the new album called This Is Acting.

Thank you for talking about it.

That's not you, though, in prosthetics?

That's not prosthetics, that's some digital work and some sticky tape.

I took my shoulders out, and I made my neck longer,

I changed the shape of my eyes and sticky-taped my nose.

OK!

What a lovely Christmas card... it's turned into!

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-That album is not out until the 29th of January.

-Yeah, I know.

-I'm slogging away early.

-Do it, do it.

Sell it. Pre-order for Christmas.

Are you...? Bored of asking, but it is interesting,

because 25 just came out, you did co-write this song with Adele.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Yeah. Sia. Adele. Julia.

You've written the songs the artists sing.

And they're big anthems, all of them.

-So, can you ever tour an album?

-Yeah, you just do it down.

Actually, Adele gave me a top tip,

she was like, "Whenever you can't hit the high note,

"you just like, 'la-la-la...' "

APPLAUSE

I was like, there's a reason she has 80 million!

And the rest.

And counting.

Before we go, just time for a visit to the Big Red Chair.

Who's there?

-Hello.

-Hello!

-What's your name?

-I'm Joe.

Good. And where are you from, Joe?

I'm from Stoke Gifford in Bristol.

Oh? Nothing!

And, do you have a job at Stoke Gifford?

Yes, I'm an architect.

An architect. He's an architect, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh.

-He's passed an exam.

-He has his architect shirt on.

-Yeah. Really, yeah. Just seeing...

Joe, off you go with your story.

OK, so, growing up, I loved Big Trouble In Little China.

And, in my early teens,

I had a VHS recording of it that I watched repeatedly.

One of the scenes features Kurt Russell...

You touch that lever, I'm going to punch you!

LAUGHTER

It features Kurt Russell and chums running away from their foes

through a watery tunnel.

Part of this features a zoom-in on a lady's...

KURT SNORES

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hit the lever, hit the lever.

I will talk to him later.

I sensed that was coming.

I just thought, OK, you want to hear it.

KURT PROTESTS

Trust me, you don't.

-OK. Who's up next? Hello?

-Hello, how are you?

-I'm very well.

-You seem nervous?

-I am very nervous,

I'm hanging on for dear life.

Don't be nervous. Nothing... Well, the chair may flip,

but that's the only bad thing.

-What's your name?

-It's Rosanna.

-And what do you do?

-I work in the travel industry.

-The travel industry? As a...?

I work for a hotel wholesaler, providing rooms to travel agencies.

Oh, wow, I've glazed over!

Graham.

So... Off you go with your story.

I was travelling with two of my friends, and we were in Macao.

On a night out, and my friend suddenly got a really dodgy tummy.

So, he left early.

About 6:45am, I was headed back to the hotel

to find Frank standing in the room just wrapped in a towel.

A bit odd, he's been to bed for six hours already.

Then, my friend Ben comes back. He's like,

"You can't believe what I've just seen.

"A man's just been floored on his bicycle on his way to work.

"I run over to find him covered in poo and boxers."

It then transpires that Frank had heard me walking up the stairs

and he woke up in surprise, and also lost control

thus pooing in his boxers.

To which he had no idea what to do because he was so embarrassed.

And he flung them out the window, hitting the man on his bike.

That's a good story. APPLAUSE

You can walk. Yay!

Well done, all of you on the Big Red Chair.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in that chair, you can.

Contact us via our website at this very address.

That's it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests.

Josh Widdicombe! CHEERING

Tina Fey! CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Kurt Russell! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Sia! CHEERING

Join me next week for Christmas chat with pop star Kylie Minogue,

the new faces of Star Wars, Daisy Ridley and John Boyega,

Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher, and the one and only David Beckham.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody, bye-bye!