Episode 14 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight I am so lucky, two of my favourite actresses

and Chandler Bing from Friends. No-one said life would be this way.

SHORT BURST OF APPLAUSE They remembered!

Let's start the show!

This programme contains some strong language.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hello! Hi, hi! Hi!

Hello! Hello, good evening!

Well done, everyone, one, two, three, four. Excellent. Very good.

Great guests tonight, and here's an interesting thing.

One of them is about to star in the West End as Nell Gwynn.

Nell Gwynn, King Charles II's bawdy lover, ladies and gentlemen.

WHISTLING There's the actual Nell Gwynn.

And she was famous, of course, for selling oranges.

Interesting, though, if you google the words woman and orange,

you actually get this.

LAUGHTER

Rumour has it that Nell Gwynn was attracted to King Charles II

because he was so incredibly rich.

But, would a beautiful woman behave like that nowadays?

Let's get my guests on!

Later, we'll have music from rising star Jack Savoretti.

But, first, she's gone from Gravesend to the West End,

starring in movies like St Trinian's, Quantum Of Solace, Tamara Drewe,

and last year's sell-out musical Made In Dagenham.

Please welcome Gemma Arterton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at you, you're like liquid silver. Mercury. Sit down, sit down.

She's the Bafta award-winning actress

who's delighted us with countless roles over the years,

including Professor Sprout in Harry Potter.

She's quite simply a force of nature.

It is such a warm welcome back to Miriam Margolyes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've come to get you. Look at you.

You don't need help at all.

Shove up, Gemma, shove up. There you go.

And, for ten years he was part of our lives as Chandler Bing

in the smash hit Friends. Now he's returning to the West End

with his play-writing debut, The End Of Longing.

Welcome, for the very first time, Mr Matthew Perry.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, it's really nice to meet you. I'm really well.

Come in and sit down.

Shove up, ladies!

You're all very welcome. Gemma, Miriam, you've been here before.

Matthew, you haven't been here before,

you have been in London many times.

I did, yes, I did a play here in 2003.

-Have you chatted out the back a bit?

-Very briefly.

-OK.

I don't know you, we don't know each other.

-No, we don't.

-No. Not yet.

-But I'm very pleased to meet you.

-It's nice to meet you, too.

Very pleased. And I think you're lovely.

LAUGHTER

-I think you're lovely too.

-Thank you.

-That's good.

There we leave our show!

-While it's all going well, let's stop.

-She didn't say I looked lovely!

She was very pleased to meet you.

-That's true.

-What the fuck do you want?

LAUGHTER

I want to look lovely.

We're going to talk about your play, Matthew.

But, later, because you've never been here before,

-there will be a couple of Friends questions.

-OK, that's fine.

Just to let you know, on the sofa, it's quite Yin and Yang.

Gemma Arterton over there, you lived and breathed Friends,

-you were a big fan.

-I was the generation of Friends.

I'm 30 in two weeks.

When I was a kid, I had a Rachel haircut, the lot.

-Oh!

-It wasn't a good period.

-No?

-Terrible.

-And then, Miriam is one of those people.

You must be in such a tiny minority in the world.

I have never seen Friends.

AUDIENCE GASPS

LAUGHTER

But that's not possible.

You must have woken up in a hotel room and it was just on.

RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

I'll show you some episodes in a hotel room.

I'll tell you why. Many years ago, I lived in America, in Los Angeles.

And I was part of the stable of comedy people of Norman Lear.

And he introduced me to Marta Kauffmann and David Crane.

-Yes.

-And I really liked David Crane.

And I couldn't stand Marta Kauffmann.

I thought she was a monster.

And they wrote Friends. So...

I thought, bugger it, I'm not watching that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And that's the only reason.

-The only reason.

-All right.

She's actually quite a lovely woman,

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Don't say anything.

-I won't.

No need, I'd have thought, at this point, it being on telly and all.

I think it's been said.

Now. Matthew Perry, you join us at...

This is an amazing... This is kind of a life milestone for you

-in that you have written a play.

-I did.

I wrote a play called The End Of Longing

that's going to be at The Playhouse Theatre,

opening on February the 11th. I'm very excited about it.

-And you're in it as well.

-I'm in it as well.

-You're not directing it?

-I'm not directing it.

But I wrote a play, and I put myself as the lead,

so I'm quite narcissistic.

It starts at The Playhouse, on February the 2nd.

-February the 2nd it previews.

-Previews, yes.

I suppose, a lot of people say,

why have you chosen to debut your play in London? Why bring it here?

Well, it's an interesting question.

I think that the play,

it's actually a really good play for the Friends generation.

It's about people in their 30s and 40s who are single,

and kind of broken, and trying to make it work,

and have a relationship with one another.

And I think that the humour is very dark

and I think it will really appeal to British audiences.

It's very satirical.

LAUGHTER

People here will like it a lot.

You've said that it's not autobiographical in any way.

And yet the character you play is a lot of you.

Well, I play a drunk.

OK.

So...

-It's a slightly exaggerated form of myself.

-Yes.

-Were you an alcoholic at one time?

-I still am.

-Not really?

-Well, yes.

-I don't think you ever stop.

-No, you always are.

You always are. I'm a recovering alcoholic.

I'm glad we are talking about this!

LAUGHTER

-You look great.

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

Now, this is your first full-length play.

But you've always been drawn to writing.

-You would go into the writers' room.

-Yes.

I was in the writers' room of Friends a lot.

And I wrote the show, I'm doing The Odd Couple, a revamp,

in the States now. And I wrote the pilot of that.

But the play is the first thing I've ever written by myself

which was quite daunting and scary.

But I've always written with a partner before.

But the play was the first thing I've written by myself.

It's the hardest thing to write, isn't it? Much harder.

It's hard to face the page and there's nothing there.

And then, all of a sudden, you make something there, yes.

-How do you...

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

LAUGHTER

Stay out of this, will you?

I'm just checking the name of the show!

APPLAUSE

I wanted to ask, was this something that you've had in your mind

for a long time? Or was it...?

I'd done that play in 2003. I did a David Mamet play.

And I wanted to do a similar thing

and see if I could write something similar to that.

Which is bloody hard. It must be good.

Not just anybody can get a thing on in the West End.

-How true.

-I hear my play is slightly better than Gemma's.

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GASP

Let's have a play-off later, a play-off.

The interesting thing is, because, being a stage actor,

we don't think of you being a stage actor. But everything's been

-in front of a live audience all these years.

-True.

Yes, I'm very used to performing in front of a live audience.

-Is The Odd Couple in front of a live audience as well?

-Yes, it is.

-But they're American, an American live audience.

-Yeah.

This is going to be slightly different.

-It will be slightly different.

-No, he's played the West End before.

You've been in the West End before?

Yeah, are you paying attention to the show?

-LAUGHTER

-Obviously not closely enough.

I guess not.

-I've already done a play on the West End.

-Oh, well...

You're laughing!

Gemma was in a big musical last year, Made In Dagenham.

-In that, you had to go amongst the live audience.

-I did.

-Oh, wow.

-Not something I enjoy doing, I have to admit.

I don't know if audiences even like it because they get a bit nervous.

"What's going to happen?

"Are you going to talk to me, or make me participate?"

But I did go into the audience.

It does happen where phones go off.

Can you believe it?

Phones go off in the theatre, which is the big bugbear of mine.

And this guy, I walked down the aisle and I have to stand there.

And, first of all, his phone went off. Then he took a picture of me.

So I just took it. The play was set in the 1960s

and I said, "What's that, then?"

I turned it off and took it away with me.

Good for you.

You should have squeezed his testicles very hard.

Well, I did that as well.

I think he might have enjoyed that, Miriam.

I don't know.

Miriam, now, you've been quite bossy with audiences.

-Was it your Dickens, your one-woman Dickens show?

-Um, yes.

I think it was. No. It was something in Australia I did.

I can't actually remember what it was.

But I was very good! And, um...

LAUGHTER

And everybody stood up in the audience except this one woman

-in the front row.

-GEMMA GASPS

And I said, "Why aren't you standing up?"

She said, good on her, she said,

"I stood up for Derek Jacobi."

And that put me in my place.

-Did you let her sit there, then?

-What could I do?

I wasn't going to haul her to her feet.

You should never do that.

Whatever the audience gives you, be grateful, and that's it.

I know that's true. But I just thought, how could she not stand up

when everybody else in the theatre was standing up?

-Because then she's making a point.

-She's making a point.

I said, "I think it's very rude of you."

-Maybe she couldn't stand up.

-No, she got up to go out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, you've said already, just to be clear.

With this play, people who are fans of Friends,

they will enjoy this play?

They won't come to it thinking, "It's Friends live."

-Then go, "What the hell was that?"

-No, I don't think so.

I think it's a good play for the Friends generation.

It's a dark comedy, a little darker than Friends was.

-But we're all older. Life's got darker.

-Life's gotten darker. Yeah.

Yeah.

It is so weird. Even in the papers this week,

12 years after Friends stopped,

it's now in the papers this week because there's a rumoured reunion

-that you're getting together. Is that true?

-No, that's not true.

-Because you'll be here.

-I am going to be here, yes.

It's not the Friends reunion that everybody's hoping for.

They're celebrating Jim Burrows who was a director of Friends.

And five of them are going to be on this special.

And I'm going to introduce them from here

because I'm doing the play here so I can't be there.

-That's a really good excuse.

-Yeah.

Listen. There probably won't be a reunion, maybe there will.

But, like so many big hits, Friends lives on in its porn parody.

It's very true.

I think maybe it's even more than one porn parody. It's very popular.

-There's one that I'm familiar with.

-LAUGHTER

-I've got one here.

-You do?

-Is it that one?

-What is that called?

-Friends At XXX Parody.

No, the one I know about is called Fiends.

And, in it, all of the characters are having sex with each other,

except for Chandler who's just sitting in the corner masturbating.

APPLAUSE

Gemma, you're a fan. Would you like a copy of this?

I want Fiends.

This sounds quite good, though. Listen to this.

"The comedy flies, as do the bodily fluids."

Oh, wow.

"Hilarity and deep penetration ensues."

You can have it. Go on. Oh, no, it's out of its cover now.

Here, I think you should have this.

Actually, I've made my own.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Miriam's been in a lot of porn.

-Oh, really? I didn't realise that.

-Only audio, though.

-Only the audio?

Yes. I've never actually done it in front of a camera.

-But you make the sounds of it.

-I make the sounds.

-And I'm not doing it now.

-No!

I wasn't going to ask. You brought it up, Miriam.

-I'd rather watch your show.

-I don't think anybody really wants this.

-Do you want it?

-No.

-No. Here, you can have this back.

-Auction it for charity.

-If we leave it there,

by the end of the show, that'll be gone.

-Somebody will take it.

-Look at him in the shirt, he is eyeing it up.

"If I can sack my girlfriend, I can get that into my bag."

Now, Gemma Arterton, your play in the West End,

you take on the role of,

she's kind of the original raunchy actress, Nell Gwynn.

She was the second British actress to grace the boards.

And she was famous, not only for being an actress,

and she was a very popular actress, but also because she became gentry.

She had King Charles' sons, and was included into the English court.

And so she was a Cockney girl who managed to work her way up.

Yeah. And I love the poster here. "Gemma Arterton is Nell Gwynn."

And I like this. "Fun, funny and joyous.

"A cast of 20. And a band. Naughty songs, merry dances. And a dog!"

Now, Matthew Perry, take that.

-Do you have a dog?

-I don't have a dog.

-Well, there you go.

-There'll be a horse by tomorrow.

A rewrite, spuriously overnight.

And it's at the Apollo Theatre from February 4th

until the end of April and it's a new play.

It's been done once before but it's still new.

Yeah, it's brand-new, written by Jessica Swale, a young writer.

She is brilliant and it's very, very funny.

Sort of got Blackadder vibes and yeah, there's music, um, and

it's just great, great fun and I'm rehearsing as we speak and it's just a laugh.

-Now, in this play, there's a fan language.

-Yeah.

Is this a real thing?

Do you not know about fan language?

Fan language was created

when women weren't allowed to talk in the company of men,

so they created their own language with fans in order to communicate.

-Well, I've got a fan.

-Ah.

-Is this...

-That's a fan.

-That is a fan, yes.

And so...

First of all, you can speak a lot with a fan before...

You don't even have to open your mouth.

Oh, Jesus!

It's quite scary, isn't it?

Sit a bit further away.

There's lots of things like, for example,

this means we're being watched.

-OK.

-And this...means "kiss me". Kiss me.

This means "between you and I", which is where that comes from.

-Oh, I see.

-And this...

Well, you can guess what that means.

I think that's actually in the porn.

LAUGHTER

Gemma, you get to do your natural Cockney voice in this, don't you?

I do. I get to do my old accent, before RADA accent.

Which is great, but then actually, she becomes...

She speaks very, very well at the end.

Because she's an actress and she picks it up very easily.

But when you went home with your new RADA voice,

-Gravesend were not keen, were they?

-No.

They...well, the family weren't, you know.

You can't get away with it with my family.

They just put me right in my place.

-I bet they're very proud of you, darling.

-They are very proud of me.

-I bet they are and so they should be.

-Yeah, they are.

But it's different when you're working class, you know,

and you come back speaking posh, it does set people's teeth on edge.

-Yeah, it does.

-Because I have a posh voice and I wish I didn't, but I just do, and...um...

LAUGHTER

You can change your accent - you should do that.

-I do. I always do.

-Choose an accent a day.

I always... If I need something in the street, I always become Scottish.

LAUGHTER

I've got to ask you, what do you need in the street?

LAUGHTER

You never know.

Well, I mean, the time or a road or a garage, you know,

-something like that.

-Yes.

-Why Scottish?

I tell you why, and this is true.

Scottish is a classless sound and it's friendly.

-Mmm.

-Excuse me.

-BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Could you tell me where the nearest garage is?

I don't know where I am at the moment.

I'm just slightly lost here. Could you help me out?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's friendly. It's friendly.

We've rumbled you now! "It's that Scottish woman I helped!"

And now, here's a thing.

You're on stage in the West End and obviously,

people come to see you and you get confident, you get nervous

but do you get nervous when your family come,

because they don't sugar-coat what they think, do they?

No, they...

My family, they're very supportive,

but they don't feel the need to, you know...

If they don't like something, or they weren't that impressed,

or they're a bit bored, they'll say.

LAUGHTER

For example, when I did Made In Dagenham,

it was a huge deal for me, because I'm not really a singer

and I'd been practising and my mum came and she went,

"Hmm, the voice has gotten better."

LAUGHTER

But you know, in a way, she should have gone, "You're amazing!"

Because, Miriam, now you... I'm guessing you don't sugar-coat things.

-Do you get starstruck when you meet people?

-I do sometimes.

I remember when I was young, and I met Laurence Olivier, that was...

I used to collect autographs at the stage door, and he came out

and I remember so distinctly that I started to cream in my knickers.

I could feel it.

Actually... I went all funny.

It's true.

D'you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean.

Wherever we thought the story was going...

I...

I honestly don't think I've ever been more uncomfortable in my life!

LAUGHTER

I think that's the worst moment of my life!

LAUGHTER

-Oh, dear.

-It can only get better.

Well, that's a lovely story, Miriam.

Thank you for sharing. I think that's in the compilation.

That's... That's great.

But I think that's a tribute.

Oh, it's a...it's a... No greater compliment, Miriam.

Er, yes.

I think we should all get fans out now.

Here you are. Fan yourself.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

When you're sort of...Matthew Perry and you're so incredibly famous,

you imagine you won't get starstruck when you meet people. But you did.

Is it the director, the famous director, M Night Shyamalan?

-Oh, yes. M Night Shyamalan.

-Shyamalan. That's it.

-Yes.

Well, I have a story about M Night Shyamalan.

-Do you guys know who that is?

-ALL: Yes.

-The guy who directed Sixth Sense.

-Yeah.

Um, in this story, I drop a few names,

so I apologise in advance for this.

But about 15 years ago, when The Sixth Sense came out, Bruce Willis

won the People's Choice Award for Best Actor and he asked me to present the award to him, so I did.

I went backstage that night and I met Haley Joel Osment from the movie and I met M Night Shyamalan.

And about six months later, I was at this bar.

This was back when I was drinking.

I was with a couple of friends and M Night Shyamalan walked in.

And he said, "Hi, Matthew." And I went, "Oh, my God.

"Hi, how are you? Please, sit down. Join us."

And he sat down and he joined us

and we sat there for about an hour, talking

and I noticed my friends sort of filtered out

and then it was just me and M Night Shyamalan for about another hour

and I noticed we weren't talking about show business or anything,

we were just kind of talking about women and love and loss

and life and all that.

And he mentioned that there was another club opening across town

and would I like to go with him

and I said, "Sure, I'd love to go with you."

And I had this weird moment,

which I've never had before where I was convinced that

I was going to be a big movie star as a result of this night.

Because he was laughing at all my jokes, he really was sort of into me.

I think he might have been a big Friends fan.

-He was really liking me.

-Yeah!

And so we get to the next place and I felt comfortable enough,

sort of drunk enough, to say,

"We should work together sometime." And he kind of went like this...

And I remember going, "Oh, I wish I hadn't said that."

And then he went to the bathroom and a friend of mine came up to me and said, "How is your night going?"

And I said, "What, are you kidding? I'm having the greatest night of my life.

"M Night Shyamalan and I have been hanging out for the last two and a half hours. It's been great."

And the guy... M Night Shyamalan came back from the bathroom and my friend said,

"That's not M Night Shyamalan."

LAUGHTER

And it wasn't.

It was just an Indian gentleman...

..who looked a lot like M Night Shyamalan.

And I'd said to him, "Let's work together."

And it turned out he was a maitre d' at a local restaurant.

-Have you ever seen him again since?

-No, but I've seen the guy

and we always look at each other like jilted lovers.

APPLAUSE

Miriam Margolyes, you don't bring us a film but you bring us

a documentary inspired by a film, which seems like a good idea.

It's called the Real Marigold Hotel.

It starts on BBC Two at 9pm on 26th January and it's you and a phrase I haven't uttered before.

-It's you and celebrity pensioners.

-Oh, shit.

-I don't like that.

-OK, well, we won't say it again.

Um, the idea is, you all go

and explore what it might be like to retire in India

and I think you seem like you enjoyed this experience.

Oh, it was wonderful. It was really wonderful.

India is a fantastic place.

-Have you been?

-I've never been.

-Have you been?

-I've never been.

You must go. It's truly... I mean this from my heart,

it's absolutely a wonderful country, really.

And I don't know if I'd retire there, but I want to go back there.

It's where my friend M Night Shyamalan comes from...

-LAUGHTER

-I was going to say, you might meet him there.

I don't know if it's the way the programme is edited,

but your trip did seem dominated by the toilet.

Well, this sounds like my favourite show ever.

Well, look, I'm nearly 75

and you can't hang on to it as well as you can at your age and your age,

so it becomes important to be able to get to a toilet when you want to.

Is everything OK right now?

LAUGHTER

-If I start to fidget, get worried.

-All right.

Yes, I mean, I think everybody would feel the same, you know, you want to be able to get to a toilet.

-Yes.

-And in India, if you can get to a toilet,

it's not always a toilet you want to get to.

Put it like that, because it's a dirty hole in the ground with

two footprints and not much cover and lots of flies

and shit on the wall and everything.

It's not pleasant.

But if you're in a hotel or somewhere like that,

of course, it's absolutely as it would be in the West.

-Why are there two footprints?

-One for each foot.

LAUGHTER

GRAHAM LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

-I understand now.

-You painted a lovely picture with words, Miriam.

But I mean, there's much more to India than dirty toilets.

-Of course there is, yeah.

-But it's just something that was important to me.

Well, we've got a clip.

This is you getting ready for breakfast with your fellow travellers.

Oh, I haven't seen any of it.

-Well, you'll see it now.

-There we go.

I've got a little tube of Vegemite.

Taking it up to breakfast. I'm not going to share it.

Actually, I find sharing food very difficult.

So I brought a bottle of whisky for everybody, so they don't think I'm

a mean old cow, but Vegemite, I might have to keep to myself.

'With the first week drawing to an end,

'the group are starting to settle into living together.'

I live alone most of the time, so suddenly being

squashed in with a lot of unknown people, is disconcerting

but it's also quite fun and I really love having

-breakfast in the mornings with everybody.

-Good morning.

What is the difference between love and herpes?

Love and herpes?

Herpes is for ever!

LAUGHTER

It's true!

I've bought tickets for your show, by the way.

Oh, thank you. Have you bought tickets for Matthew's show?

Not yet, but I will. I will buy tickets for your show.

-I don't ask for comps ever. I always pay.

-No? OK.

-No, I pay my way.

-Well, we'd love for you to come.

-I will come, and I might come backstage and frighten you!

Just make sure she's near the toilet!

LAUGHTER

-I will guarantee you one thing.

-There will be bathrooms backstage.

At the Playhouse? Hardly! But...

Over the years, Matthew, you were in some interview, talking about how you knew that Friends would be a big hit.

Like quite early on. Was there a specific episode?

I did know that Friends was going to be a hit.

I didn't know that it was going to be the giant hit that it was.

I tell you this.

I know it's been successful.

LAUGHTER

But there was one episode where there was

a blackout in New York City and I was stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre that was...

-Was she in it?

-She was in it.

-Ah.

-Yes.

-You'd know that if you'd watched it.

Yes, I was stuck in an ATM vestibule with her so she was in it.

-In Friends?

-Yeah.

-Oh, right. OK.

The TV show, Friends.

Yes, and that show, that episode, really made me

think that we were doing something special.

Because I suppose, cos you were kind of away...

You could see the others in the apartment.

I could see the others in the apartment and the audience

was really laughing and it just felt like the right thing.

And there was a spooky thing that when you got the script,

before you auditioned, I mean, you...

it wasn't like you kind of thought, "I COULD be that guy."

Yeah, I was unavailable because I'd done this terrible

TV show about baggage handlers in the year 2197.

So I was off the market,

so my friends were all auditioning for this show called Friends and

there was this character called Chandler, who was very similar to me.

So I would help them with their auditions and I finally said,

"Let me just do this for you. Just imitate what I'm doing and go in,"

and some of them got very far and almost got the job

and then somebody finally saw the baggage handlers show,

and decided that wasn't going to get picked up.

And then they allowed me to be on Friends.

Wow! Well, listen.

Our office, I think, has more than its fair share of Friends geeks.

-OK.

-So you know the famous quiz episode, when the girls lose the apartment?

Yes, I remember that episode.

So, what the guys wanted you to do was see

if you could remember the answers

to the Chandler questions in the quiz.

If you can't, Gemma Arterton's right on it.

Do you remember this episode?

No!

Miriam, no hope, so...

Don't shout out until Matthew can't get it,

-but feel free to shout out if you can then get it.

-The pressure is on.

Here we go.

According to Chandler,

what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?

-Oh, that's Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

-You are correct!

Yes, well done.

OK...

APPLAUSE

What is the name of Chandler's father's all-male burlesque?

I actually know that, too. That's Viva Las Gaygas.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You'll definitely know this one.

Every week, the TV guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment.

What name appears on the address label?

Mrs Chanandler Bong.

Yes, very good!

Actually, the last one is...

Because the famous thing that no-one...

-Although Chandler was the only one with a proper job...

-Right.

Throughout the series, it was never talked about what he actually did.

That's right, it was in computers, something in computers.

So shall we see if anyone in the audience knows this before...?

-Do you know it?

-I'm not sure.

Does anyone know what is Chandler's job?

LAUGHTER

Oh, there's a hand back up there.

Wait, there's going to be a microphone coming to you, one second.

-What do you think his job was?

-A trans-ponster. According to Rachel.

-No.

-Ah!

Nope. Anyone else want to guess? Oh, there's a lady at the back.

Oh, they're having to get a very strange angle,

we've never spoken to anyone in the back row before.

Yes?

-Statistical data reconfiguration.

-Ooh, you're so close!

You were so close. That's what it actually is.

-Statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.

-She's so close!

Well done, that lady! Very good.

OK.

It's time for music and I'm

so thrilled we've got this man on the show.

He's a huge favourite on Radio 2, I play him all the time.

Performing his beautiful new single Catapult,

please welcome Jack Savoretti.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Following the headlights

# Gotta find a way back to you

# I can be the white knight

# You can play the princess

# We'll be running like outlaws

# Hiding in the midnight

# Break down the gates

# Let in the sunlight

# Throw me over these walls

# High up in the atmosphere

# If I could catapult my heart

# Watch the empire fall

# I'm gonna get you out of here

# If I could catapult my heart

# To where you are

# You said you had your heart broken

# What a stupid little thing to do

# Now you're tied to a train track

# But I'm-a gonna come and rescue you

# Make no mistake

# I'll do whatever it takes

# To get over these walls

# High up in the atmosphere

# If I could catapult my heart

# Watch the empire fall

# Oh

# I'm gonna get you out of here

# If I could catapult my heart

# To where you are

# If I could catapult my heart

# Oh-oh

# Hey-eh

# Throw me over these walls

# Ooh, and high up in the atmosphere

# I could catapult my heart

# Watch the empire fall

# Whoa

# I'm gonna get you out of here

# If I could catapult my heart

# To where you are

# If I could catapult my heart

# To where you are

# I'm gonna catapult my heart. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How lovely is that?

That's beautiful. Come and join us, Jack.

Oh, a jacket! Dressing up.

-A suit!

-Hello!

-How you doing?

-I'm doing well.

Come in, meet everybody.

Gemma...

Miriam, Matthew...

I'm so glad to meet you!

-Nice to meet you!

-Well done! That was gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.

Thank you very much.

If people love that song, and who wouldn't have loved that song,

it's out now and it's also on the deluxe repackage of the album,

Written In Scars.

That album, it's your fourth album, but it's just done so well for you.

It has, it's been an amazing year, thanks very much to you

and your kind folk at BBC Radio 2!

Well, you sent us the CD, the least we could do was play it!

LAUGHTER

Now, Matthew Perry, you look at the end of the couch, there.

Do you recognise Jack Savoretti?

Well, NOW I do.

LAUGHTER

Because you have met before. Jack.

-We have met, actually.

-This is M Night Shyamalan.

LAUGHTER

We met through a mutual friend - you did a play with Minnie Driver.

Oh, that's right! OK.

It was about 12 years ago and I'd just moved to London

and it was my first night out in London with some friends

and we went to a club which'll remain nameless and you were there.

And you were getting a lot of attention and you seemed to be

a bit overwhelmed by it. For some reason, I thought I had it

in my jurisdiction to come over

and give you a drink, and you were very cool, you sat with me

and talked for about five seconds

and then sort of said, "Go away".

We're now wondering who he thought you were.

You were incredibly polite, I was very obnoxious and young...

-Well, it's very nice to meet you again!

-You too!

Well, you sound much more Italian than...

-You have an Italian thing in your voice.

-It's confused.

I sound American when I get nervous, so I'm probably sounding

a little bit American right now, but I kind of moved around.

My mother is English, father's Italian,

I grew up travelling around, so...

-Miriam, you're... Do you speak Italian, Miriam?

-You do.

-Poco. Poco.

THEY CONVERSE IN ITALIAN

Actually, you're one of my favourite... Me and my wife watch the show all the time

and my favourite interview was you with will.i.am.

-That was our favourite interview.

-APPLAUSE

You were amazing.

And you're touring soon?

Yes, we'll be touring the UK in March

and we're doing a special show in Cadogan Hall which

hopefully these three amazing ladies...

I haven't asked them yet, but I'm asking them now!

Hopefully they'll play with me.

We're doing a special show with just piano and guitar at Cadogan Hall,

but if you want to see all the other chaps there, we'll be

-touring the rest of the country during March.

-Fantastic.

Well, listen, good luck with the tour, thank you so much for that beautiful performance.

Well done. Very good. OK... Jack Savoretti.

OK. Before we go, we have time for a visit to the big red chair.

Who awaits us? Hello!

Hello!

These are the easy bits(!)

-And what's your name, sir?

-My name's Brad.

-Bread?

-Brad!

-Brad.

I feel like a barista at Starbucks, just writing "Bread" on the cup...

-OK, Brad, sorry. Where are you from, Brad?

-New Zealand.

-Of course you are.

WHOOPING

They're always from New Zealand. New Zealand must be empty.

The airport is deserted.

They're all queueing for the red chair.

OK, Brad. Do you live here, or are you just visiting?

-I'm living in London.

-What do you do here?

I'm working in a marketing department for a university.

Sounds quite a proper job, doesn't it? Well done, Brad!

OK, off you go with your story.

So I was in Italy, actually in Naples,

and was walking down the street

and it was a lightning storm

and a heck of a lot of rain coming down.

A very, very kind old lady offered me shelter in her house and

I went in, she made me a coffee

and she offered me a change of clothing.

It was when I was in the room next door,

trying to put my leg through the trousers that I tripped over.

I knocked a bookshelf

and the urn on the top of the bookshelf came crashing down.

I was still wet from the rain...

and as the urn hit the ground, the ash went all over me.

To make matters a little bit worse, as I managed to pull

the pants up around my waist, and started to clean up the mess

that I had made, I saw a photo

and it was the lady's husband...

Well, what looked like her husband,

and he was wearing the same pants that I was just putting on.

So that was potentially the most embarrassing and awkward moment.

That is a very good story.

That... Excellent. You can walk.

Walk, Bread. You want to be...?

Oh, you want to be flipped?

You want to be flipped, OK. There you go, Bread. Hey!

That was a good story. Lots of detail, it was excellent.

A short story in that. Normally, Matthew, they're not very good.

No?!

We've set the bar a little high, I feel.

-Who's next?

-Craig.

-Craig. Hi, Craig.

-Hiya.

-Where are you from?

-Deptford.

-Deptford.

-Yeah.

-Deptford? Deptford? Nothing.

-And what do you do in Deptford?

-I'm a graphic designer.

-A graphic designer. In Deptford?

-Well, no, not in Deptford.

I was going to say!

Wouldn't have thought there was much call for graphic design in Deptford.

-So where do you do it, in the big... In the actual...?

-Just off Oxford Street.

Of course, where graphic designers live(!)

OK, off you go with your story, sir.

So about five years ago, my girlfriend at the time

offered me to go on holiday to her parents' villa.

Her parents were gonna be there as well, I hadn't really met them

that many times, but it was a free holiday,

so I thought, in for a penny, in for a pound.

Everything was going all right up until about the third day when her

mum came into our room and offered us to go into a hot tub with them.

I wasn't massively sure because I didn't know them that well,

but I didn't want to rock the boat,

I was trying to impress the parents, so I thought, yeah, I'll do it.

About three or four minutes in,

I felt like a leg kind of graze

mine, edge towards mine, and I was like, this is a bit weird.

My girlfriend's playing footsie with me

with her parents right there.

Then I realised, because of the positioning of the hot tub,

it couldn't have been her and it was actually her dad.

So, um...

Being really British about it,

I was polite and didn't say, "What are you doing?",

I just composed myself, got out of the hot tub politely

and went into our room to kind of contemplate what had happened.

LAUGHTER

So my girlfriend followed out and she was like, "Are you OK?"

I was like, "I don't really know how to tell you this,

"but your dad's leg was kind of...

"invading mine, in the hot tub."

So, um, yeah, and she just burst out laughing.

Turned out he had a prosthetic leg and he was waving in the air.

We didn't see that coming, either!

You did rather well.

Thank you. Can I be flipped?

-Oh, you want to be flipped?

-If that's all right, yes, please!

-OK(!)

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us after the show, you can contact us

via the website at this address.

That is it for tonight.

Please say a big thank you to all my guests.

Jack Savoretti, everybody.

APPLAUSE

Gemma Arterton...

APPLAUSE

Miriam Margolyes... APPLAUSE

And Mr Matthew Perry!

APPLAUSE

Join me next week with singer Elle King,

broadcasting legend Sir David Attenborough,

actress Olivia Colman,

House star Hugh Laurie,

comedian Kevin Hart

and rapper-turned-actor Ice Cube.

I'll see you then, goodnight, everybody - bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE