Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, the stars of the new Steve Jobs film.

Thanks to Steve Jobs, it's amazing what technology can do now.

I mean, look at this. Michael, ask it something.

Do we have a great show tonight?

-KATE WINSLET AS SIRI:

-We have great guests.

Especially that Michael Fassbender. He's gorgeous.

Yeah! I know what you mean!

And what about the host, Graham Norton?

I'm sorry, I don't know what a Graham Norton is.

You know, the chat show host?

Would you like me to search for "old men with beards"?

Stupid phone! Let's start the show!

Oh! Hello! And welcome.

Good evening, everybody. Oh! Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Good evening, and welcome.

Great line-up for you tonight.

And hey, there's bound to be some computer talk.

The modern computer has so many uses.

We use it for knowledge, news, banking.

Mainly, though, we use it for looking at pictures like this.

It's true. You won't believe what happened next!

Steve Jobs, what a genius.

Here he is launching Apple's revolutionary new phone.

Yeah! You could make calls and e-mails

and carry it all around in the palm of your hand.

Of course, we had our own Steve Jobs in this country.

No. I'm fired!

Hey, let's get some guests on.

Later, we'll have music from pop superstar Ellie Goulding. Yeah!

But first, this man exploded onto the music scene

with his debut album Get Rich Or Die Tryin'.

One of the biggest-selling hip-hop artists of all time,

now he's back with his new single, 9 Shots.

It's 50 Cent!

CHEERING

Hello! Hi!

Very good to see you again.

Everyone loves this lady. She's made us laugh and cry

playing characters from Mrs Overall to Mo Mowlam.

Now starring in the movie, Brooklyn, please welcome Julie Walters!

Yay!

Yay!

-Nice to see you. Hello, darling.

-And you, my love.

Come and sit down. With my friend!

He's one of Hollywood's hottest properties.

After a string of stand-out performances in Shame,

Inglorious Basterds, X-Men and Oscar-nominated in 12 Years A Slave.

Now starring as Steve Jobs, it's Michael Fassbender.

Yeah!

Hello!

-How are you?

-Good to meet you.

Good to meet you. Have a seat.

And starring with Michael in Steve Jobs,

this lady shot to fame in Titanic 18 years ago

and has gone on to win three Golden Globes, a Grammy,

an Emmy and an Oscar. She's one of our greatest Hollywood exports

and one of my favourite actresses, it's Kate Winslet!

CHEERING

Hello! Whoo!

How are you?! Mwah! How are you, are you all right?

How lovely to see you.

Yeah! All of them now, all meeting and greeting.

-It's just a...

-Yeah.

..excuse to kiss a bunch of people! I love it!

There you go.

Now, did somebody die and I didn't get a memo?

LAUGHTER

I feel rude!

Disrespectful. I've gone crazy.

-Are you all right there, Julie?

-Yes, why do you ask?

-Well, because I know you like Michael.

-I beg your pardon?!

-You are a fan of Michael's, aren't you?

-I think Michael is a very nice person.

-Yes!

And have you met 50 Cent before?

Yes, of course, I'm a huge fan!

OK, OK, OK, if I could force you, Julie,

if I could force you, Julie, what would you say

is your favourite 50 Cent record of all time?

OK, well, loved the first album, Get Rich...

-Yeah? Get Rich Or Die Tryin'.

-Good!

-Absolutely loved Massacre.

-Yeah, we all did.

But my favourite is In Da Club.

-Oh, yes.

-Yeah? Yeah. Go, Shorty!

She knows it, she knows it!

-I've got to do a bit of rapping.

-He thought she didn't know!

He doesn't know, does he? So it's "Go, Shorty, it's your birthday!

We're gonna party like it's your birthday!

Yeah, very good!

APPLAUSE

-See? You didn't know, did you?

-I didn't know you knew it!

-Now, see?!

Now, in all that excitement, Julie, your poppy has fallen off.

Good god!

And the Daily Mail will go apeshit if you're on here without a poppy.

Michael Fassbender was standing on it.

Michael, you trashed my poppy!

Yeah, yeah, it's back on, we're good. We're good, we're good.

Now, talking of birthdays, ladies and gentlemen,

talking of birthdays, Kate Winslet, you had a, not a big birthday,

but a milestone birthday.

I am 40.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

APPLAUSE

No, you would never believe it to look at me!

-You really wouldn't!

-Oh, yes, you would!

You say you don't look it, 40, but you don't,

because you're on the cover of Esquire magazine.

No, look at this.

Oh, my God! Ooh!

-Now, I do actually, Michael, I do look quite nice, don't I?

-Very nice indeed!

-No, you look amazing.

-Thank you very much.

A good photographer works wonders, bit of hair and make-up.

But talking of turning 40, rather confusingly, 50 turned 40.

Yeah, yeah.

You're looking very well, 50.

No showing my pictures now! No, no, no!

No, you decided, turn 40, you thought,

turn 40, I'm going to do a magazine cover.

-Yeah, yeah, see I wasn't going to be fat at 40.

-No.

I didn't want to do that. I'd just finished shooting the Southpaw film

with Jake Gyllenhaal and Forest Whittaker.

And I was, like, cuddly, for that one.

LAUGHTER

I was nice and soft. I was playing a promoter while they were playing professional fighters

so it didn't make sense for me to be all ripped up.

I gave myself the excuse to go get in shape after.

And the magazine you chose to appear on was...

CHEERING AND GASPING

-Wow!

-Check THAT out!

What can you do?

There are so many 40-year-olds watching this, going...

It's over! We're done.

Now, Michael Fassbender, did you have a big birthday recently?

-Well, recently in April. Er...April 2nd.

-OK!

Because we found this picture online.

Honest to God, we didn't make this picture.

-OK.

-I think we googled "Michael Fassbender" and "birthday"

and I swear to God, this is the picture that came up.

That was last April, I think!

Happy days!

That was a good one!

Adorable.

Now, Michael and Kate are here to talk about the biopic, Steve Jobs.

Now, it opens next Friday 13th, directed by Danny Boyle.

Obviously, Michael, you play Steve Jobs.

Now, when we look at you, we do not think

"Oh, my God, he looks just like Steve Jobs."

So were you nervous about going into this?

Well, you know, I said to Danny, are you sure?

Because, you know, exactly that.

I said I don't look anything like the man.

And he said, you know...

Yes, you know.

You really don't!

That wasn't a planned thing, cos

Danny was like, "I want you to get the essence of the man."

I am not interested in lookalikes and, you know, the audience

will deal with that in the first five minutes.

And I think they do. Audiences are smart enough.

And he said, well, OK, we're not going down that route.

By the time we got to the third act, I was talking to Danny.

I said, "I think we should roll out the rollneck

"and the jeans and give the audience something in the third act."

We got the glasses and that all happened kind of organically.

And Kate, who do you play?

I play, so, I, by the way, I just have to say

the film is really fantastic and Michael is really fantastic in it.

Moving on swiftly. I know you hate me doing that. But I have to say.

I played a woman named Joanna Hoffman.

I look absolutely nothing like her at all.

This is the reveal.

LAUGHTER

That's her now, that's closer to her now.

Um, she was the head of marketing for Macintosh.

And she stayed in Steve's life as a friend for a very long time

and in the film she is like his right-hand woman and his work-wife.

She's a hot-headed Polish-Armenian woman.

She arrived complete with accent for the read-through on the first day.

That is annoying.

And it was annoying! Oh, shit(!)

What can we do?!

We were beside ourselves with fear.

With biopics, often you have a lot of licence

but this is such recent history,

everyone's got an opinion on what happened, the man.

How do you think he fares?

Do you think it's fair? Is he let off easy, do you think it's harsh?

Well, it's kind of hard for me to say because even like,

when I was reading the script, and Danny was saying,

"he's being quite difficult here."

You know, he's not that likeable.

I just saw somebody who was literally trying to move mountains.

He had a vision from the mid-'70s,

that, you know, we are experiencing now, you know, 35 years later.

And plus, and so trying to drag everybody along to his vision

I think required an awful amount of focus, determination and drive.

And I think perhaps there was a little bit of lack of patience on his part?

Putting it maybe mildly!

But it took an extraordinary amount of energy to get there.

And I think he demanded the very best from people.

Listen, we have a clip. This is your character, Kate,

confronting Steve Jobs not as an inventor or innovator, but as a dad.

Don't you think you are having a bizarre overreaction,

to a 19-year-old girl allowing her mother to list her own house?

She could have tried.

Is she supposed to stop her mother? That particular mother...

She did persuade her to sell the house and she did it to spite me!

I don't care if she put a pipe bomb in the water heater!

You're going to fix it, now!

She has been acting weird for months.

She's turned on me.

-Fix it!

-What the...?!

-Fix it, Steve.

-Take it easy!

Fix it or I quit. How about that? I quit and you never see me again, how about that?

Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Because obviously you can't meet Steve Jobs

but you met the real Joanna.

I did, yeah. And actually, that was quite helpful, I think.

She is an amazing woman. She's like, "Oh, I lost my Apple bonds. I don't know where they are."

-Yeah!

-All these shares for Apple. And she was SO not bothered by it.

I'd be crying in the corner!

She said, she was so funny. "I misplaced them."

"Steve would come to my apartment and he said,

"You know, Joanna, I have to clean this place. It's such a tip.

"And he cleaned it and then I lost my bonds."

So she thinks maybe Steve actually threw them away...

..a rubbish bag and threw them away by accident.

-Totally not bothered!

-"I don't know where they are!"

And her accent is very specific to her.

Yeah, it drove me absolutely mad. It drove me bonkers, to be honest.

Because now, accents, is it true, 50 Cent, you can do a London accent?

I think I can do a little something.

But it's a different thing, bruv.

Oh, that's very good!

-That was it, right there.

-Very good.

That was very good. But Julie, you're good at the accents.

What ones are hard? Which ones do you struggle with?

Geordie, I think is a hard one, for me.

Liverpool was very hard when I first did it.

Because I'm from Birmingham and people get them mixed up anyway.

Because there is kind of similarity

but not really, once you learn Liverpool, it's not.

50, you can do your Geordie because you're going to Newcastle tomorrow.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna do that one.

Fair enough!

I am going as 50 Cent!

Yeah, they won't be doing that.

But Michael, in X-Men, you're not doing an accent but you are,

this next movie, is this the movie

when you kind of turn into Ian McKellen?

Well... Not, really!

It's strange.

For the first one I used my own accent.

And then for the second one I did Ian McKellen's accent.

So for this one it's kind of a hybrid between the two!

A little confused, actually. Um, yeah.

But do you have to talk to yourself in this one?

How do you mean?

You have to talk to Ian McKellen?

Oh, no, no, I don't talk to him, in this.

As in, like, to prepare?

-Or in the actual film?

-In the film!

It is time travelling crap! I don't know.

That was the last one.

Yeah, you met in the last one!

Cos he's not in this one.

Oh, that's not a spoiler, is it? Er...!

I don't think he's in it, anyway.

Am I sure he's not?!

Are YOU in it?!

I did. For the last one, I listened to, you know, various tapes.

Can you do a bit?

I'll give it a little go.

"Three days as the crow flies."

LAUGHTER

And Kate Winslet, of course, you are doing your Australian accent.

Oh, yes, I'm in another film!

-Yes, you're in another film! The Dressmaker.

-Yes.

And so what is this one about, The Dressmaker?

OK, The Dressmaker is based on a book,

it's a dark comedy set in the '50s in a small town in Australia.

And I play a woman, Tilly Dunnage, who has been ostracised by the town

at the age of ten, wrongfully accused of being responsible

for the murder of a fellow schoolmate

and the opening scene of the film, she gets off the bus

and says, "I'm back, you bastards."

And the whole story is about revenge and also the rediscovery

of a fragmented mother-daughter relationship.

The mother played by Judy Davis as a senile old bat. She's fantastic.

So it's a dark comedy. With Liam Hemsworth, as well.

All right, well, actually we've got a clip and this is you and Judy and Liam, all together.

She tells them, if they want it done properly,

they've got to strip and be measured, because

it's a work of art made special for them and no-one else.

You see, Tilly, I do listen.

She tells them that they are all different,

even though they're all the same.

Too fat, too skinny. "You'll be a sight for sore eyes."

Anyway, lo and behold, our genius here does makes them look different!

Less like themselves and more like they want to be, don't you?

You just called me Tilly.

When?

Just then.

I never.

Yes, you did. And this morning, twice.

Ah, lies. Liar!

Sounds like this is the most important piece of clothing I'll ever own!

LAUGHTER

You sold so many tickets right there.

Struggling, struggling to keep a straight face during that scene.

I've got to tell you - poor Liam, bless him.

For 12 hours straight, we kept making him take his clothes off!

We didn't mean to or anything(!)

It was an accident.

Yeah! Well, we kept making mistakes and had to keep going again!

Terrible! But Judy and I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

I don't know why.

The whole concept of that scene is just so silly and funny.

But, yes, lovely Liam. He's a very sweet guy.

That is very upstaging!

B-doing!

My teenage daughter was FURIOUS that I got to be

in the same space as him in that moment.

She was like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh".

It was just a series of sounds that she made.

People will really want to know now.

That is The Dressmaker, out November 20th, all right, everybody?

Yes, see it then.

But now ladies and gentlemen,

50 Cent, the MUSICIAN, has returned to us.

You are back, yes, you are!

APPLAUSE

Now, we're going to see, we'll see a clip of the video

for 9 Shots, the new single, in a minute,

but it goes back to an early terrible experience in your life.

If your guys aren't familiar with this story of what happened,

it's amazing, go!

Well...

No pressure or anything!

I got you know, shot, nine times, but it was one time

and I just didn't see the person coming, or I would have avoided it.

Yes, you would!

You know, this happened and I was trying to write a song,

conceptually, that would define more of who I am, so I wrote

9 Shots and just picked nine painful moments

that I experienced in my life and used the shot as a metaphor.

Where were you shot, where?

In front of my grandmother's house.

But where on your body?!

That's like being in the doctor's office, isn't it?!

I got, most of 'em in the legs,

I got hit in the hand, I got hit in the face.

So, like, a fragment, a portion of it is in my tongue

so it kind of changed the way I speak a little bit.

And your rapping as well?

-Is it still in your tongue?

-Can you see it?

Yes, it's great for oral sex!

-Oh, right, I didn't know that!

-You connect!

Make sure you keep that bit in the show!

Yeah! Let me just make a note of that, er...!

I'm a better man now!

-Is it like a lump, can you see it?

-Yeah!

Let's have a feel, 50, may I?

LAUGHTER

I've washed my hands.

Oh, Sexy, you gonna put your finger in my mouth?!

Oh, no, stop it!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

I'd better not, darling.

Just have a look, see if you can find it.

I need a napkin.

-I need a napkin.

-Has anybody got a tissue?

A clean one!

These ladies, these ladies. Thank you.

Oh, look, they're still hermetically sealed, thank you very much!

There they go, lovely.

Wow, how did you prepare? Did someone tell you to come with this?!

How did that happen? What's the odds of that,

-you just sitting in the front row with this?

-Yeah!

Who does this kind of stuff, right?

It only happens on this programme, honestly.

Yeah, I can feel it.

APPLAUSE

She's going to sell those on eBay!

Very good, yeah, eBay! Tonight.

Yeah.

Wait till tomorrow night after the show, they'll be worth a lot, yeah!

Hey, we've got a bit of the music video.

This is you performing 9 Shots.

-HE RAPS:

-First shot, bullet wound in my back

I'm ... up, look at my sneakers, I'm ...

Now I'm on my own, Mommy gone

Sam said, "You a young boy, why your clothes look so old?"

"You don't need fish, little ..., you need a pole

You don't need no new kicks, you need a O

Chop that, bag it, get right back at it

That touched me, it hit me in my heart

I'm a hustler, homie, you was giving me my start

I am what I am, Sabrina's only baby

Practising in the mirror, pulling out my .380, man...

APPLAUSE

9 Shots is available now.

Julie, as a fan, where would you rate that in 50's oeuvre?

Ooh, I'd say right...which, the tongue or the...?

The music!

Wait until I tell my husband about that!

Go and shoot him in the mouth!

-It's good for oral sex!

-Exactly.

Yeah, he'll understand, won't he?

It's right up there. It's right up there.

Now, the music.

Is it hard to get back to the music because you seem to be

doing so much acting now? I've seen you in quite a few movies.

Well, I actually use my characters now.

Like, recurring characters.

I play a reoccurring character on my show, Power,

the largest original series on the network.

And you were in that and you were executive producer as well?

Yeah, I actually developed it from scratch. Yeah.

Well done, you! Hmmm! Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Now, you haven't worked with the mighty Meryl Streep,

but you've met her, you've spent time with her?

Yeah, yeah, we were in the same place to watch the basketball game.

Oh, the basketball game? Oh, yeah.

It wasn't her first, well, it was her first live basketball game.

It was interesting because I had a bit of normalcy,

it was like a punch of normalcy,

cos I sat next to her and her influence was so strong,

that it was like, OK, I'm regular today!

"Wow, this is great, like, nobody cares I'm here now!"

Now, somebody got a picture of the two of you. There you are.

That's great!

You know what is interesting?

Every picture I saw of that day didn't have the other side of Meryl.

Her husband was sitting on the other side of her.

It was like, every photographer got the memo,

"Don't you take this motherfucking picture!"

LAUGHTER

You look like you're feeling the cold there, 50!

I'm in New York City, I'm wearing a Jets hat. It's freezing outside.

I'm trying to do the...

I'm not a big Jets fan but I have to,

from New York City, you have to wear it.

And of course, going from acting into music is one thing,

but then, Michael, music was your first love?

-Was it not?

-Yep, yep. But, er...

Were you in a band?

You couldn't really classify it as a band, there was only two of us.

So, you know, his name was Michael, too, so, er,...

-Michael and Michael?

-That's right, yeah.

Did you have a name?

We didn't, actually. We never got round to getting a name.

I think Sargasso Sea was something that I was...

LAUGHTER

"Live music, Sunday night, Sargasso Sea!"

I remember looking through the atlas!

It was a heavy metal band so Sargasso Sea was quite apt.

Er, yeah, we didn't...

-Heavy metal?!

-Yeah.

That's just so unlike you.

In the future, Michael, play like the heavy metal stars.

I've been trying, I've been putting it out there for a while!

Did you do gigs?

We did one gig, in Dingle.

Sorry, it wasn't Dingle! It wasn't Dingle, sorry,

tell a lie, it wasn't Dingle. It was Killorglin.

Oh, yes! They love heavy metal there! Yeah!

It was a pub, too. It was supposed to be busking with electric guitars.

And it's always raining in Ireland so that kind of didn't really work!

So we convinced the pub to let us come in at lunchtime

and play heavy metal!

LAUGHTER

Yes, they were sort of like, "can you just turn it down a bit?"

"Turn it down another little bit."

So eventually we were just playing unplugged.

-APPLAUSE

-It didn't go down that well...

At one o'clock in the afternoon.

Julie Walters brings us a beautiful film, Brooklyn,

based on the Colm Toibin novel.

Now, you'd read the novel before it was a film or...?

Yeah. I loved the novel. Yes, it was fantastic when it came in

and the character that I play was the one I really remember.

Obviously I remember the central character but she's a young girl

but I really remembered Mrs Kehoe

because she reminded me of all my mother's friends, you know,

sort of a mixture of them.

It was gorgeous, it was the '50s, so yes.

So you're Mrs Kehoe.

Yes. I'm Mrs Kehoe.

-Key-oh.

-Yes.

K-E-O-G-H?

No. K-E-H-OE. So I suppose it probably is Mrs Key-hoe.

But I thought that sounded a bit rude.

That's what I thought!

-So I stuck to Key-oh.

-Key-oh.

-Yeah.

How does Mrs Kehoe fit into the story?

Well, the story is about a girl who leaves Ireland.

Saoirse Ronan, who's fabulous. She's so good.

Saoirse Ronan, she is amazing.

She made me feel I should go to drama school, really.

She was just so focused and confident and self... just brilliant

and a lovely person. Anyway...

She plays this young girl who leaves Ireland for a better life,

basically, in New York, in Brooklyn

and it's all arranged by the parish priest in Brooklyn, who is played

by Jim Broadbent, brilliantly.

And she moves into this boarding house and I'm the...

with all these other single Catholic Irish girls

and a couple of American girls.

And the woman who presides over it is this very, very attractive,

sexually charismatic woman.

LAUGHTER

Is played by me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They're with you!

-You haven't got a - what do you call it? A clip?

-We do!

So Brooklyn, it's out tonight

and this is the very sexually alluring Mrs Kehoe...

-I look terrible in it.

-You look lovely.

-Stop it!

You are wearing a very nice cardigan.

The cardies were great. Just look at the cardie.

This is Julie looking after her girls.

What is the matter with you girls, now?

Nothing is the matter with us, Mrs Kehoe.

Is this because Eilis has found herself a young man?

Eilis has a young man? We didn't know. She won't say anything.

Why should she? To you awful gossip-mongers?

GIGGLES

Anyway, I met him on Saturday night

when he called for Eilis and he is a gentleman.

Will you tell us what you know about him, Mrs Kehoe?

-We know he's quite nice looking.

-I didn't like his shoes much.

What on earth is wrong with his shoes?

They were a funny colour.

I tell you this much - I'm going to ask Barbara Flood

to preach a sermon on the dangers of giddiness.

I see now that giddiness is the eighth deadly sin.

A giddy girl is every bit as evil as a slothful man

and the noise she makes is a lot worse.

Enough!

APPLAUSE

-It's a lovely film. It's beautiful.

-Thank you.

-Now, you've been on a few times, Julie.

-Have I?

-Here.

-Oh, yes.

I don't think we've ever mentioned Educating Rita.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How many years ago? 36, 37 years ago.

-Is it really, wow?

-Yes.

-Because you were originally in Educating Rita on stage.

-Yes.

-And it was a big success.

-Yes.

And the movie, you weren't supposed to do that.

-Or that wasn't going to happen.

-No, it wasn't.

Well, Lewis Gilbert, who directed the film eventually,

came to see the play and then rang me

and said that he wanted to make the film,

and he wanted to use me

but he wasn't sure that he was going to be able to

because knew nobody knew who I was.

He would need a star to get the money

and all of this and he was going to America to try and raise some money.

But when he went to America, they wanted Dolly Parton.

LAUGHTER

Yes, exactly.

It would have been a very different film.

Yes, two reasons why I couldn't compete.

-Is that really true, Julie?

-Yes, it's true.

Paul Newman and Dolly Parton, they wanted. It would have been fabulous

but it was Liverpudlian, you know.

Anyway, Lewis was wonderful and he just said no, we're not going to go

down that road. And he came back and he rang me up

and he said we've got Michael so we can have you.

We've got a star so we can have you.

And you didn't get the Oscar but you

-did get a BAFTA, didn't you?

-Yes, I did.

-You were very excited to win the BAFTA.

-Stop it.

I know what you're going to go on about.

I had had a drop taken that night.

That's all. I didn't expect to win.

In those days, the BAFTA awards -

this is a very long time ago, before you people -

we used to have dinner before... how much of a mistake is that?

That's a disaster, isn't it? That's a big no-no, especially in England.

I mean, people were absolutely plastered. Well, not everybody.

I was. It was the first one I'd been to and they just filled your glass.

I was terribly nervous anyway, in case I might have to go up, you know

and all of this. It was deadly when I went up.

I thought I was being really very funny and obviously I wasn't.

I was really pissed.

I don't know.

We have a picture of that night.

You haven't!

You really can't tell, I don't think.

Stop it!

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

Oh, I have never seen that before.

Stop, take it off the screen!

-I have never seen it.

-Take it away.

I ended up under the table with a very famous actor

and I can't remember who it was.

LAUGHTER

Like only actors can, we were putting the world to rights.

Well - I don't know why SHE won! I don't know why HE won!

And I missed meeting Princess Anne. She's never spoken to me since!

Kate Winslet, when you talk about your Oscar, I like it because

no false modesty, you wanted to win it and you loved winning it.

It was just a brilliant thing.

I am still thrilled even now.

It was about seven years ago!

It was the most extraordinary moment. I had, er...

You had been nominated a bunch of times.

You see, the thing is... You get really good at losing,

when you get nominated more than a couple of times.

Weren't you nominated twice that same year?

-No, I had been...

-Two categories.

Don't make me say it.

Sorry. I've said it for you.

You were up in two categories that year?

I had two films come out at the same time, which is not uncommon.

It just so happened both of those films were getting this

type of attention.

I went to the Golden Globes that year and I had been nominated

in two different categories and won them both.

Which was quite fabulous, actually.

Sorry, everybody else.

It does look greedy.

-Oh, I know.

-She's just showing off.

LAUGHTER

-I am completely showing off. 100%.

-Quite right, I say to you.

And then when I did win, it was a really fantastic moment,

I've got to say.

It was, you know, it was a personal fist pumping moment,

the biggest one of my whole life.

But you're really generous with the Oscar, aren't you?

Well, one tries!

You know, the thing is, first of all, it's very heavy.

I just need to say that. It weighs about six or seven pounds.

It's really surprisingly heavy.

And everyone wants to have a hold,

of course, and stand up and go "I'd like to thank..."

LAUGHTER

"My primary school teachers and my mum and dad..."

and so, the best place really for Oscar is actually the loo

because then when everyone goes in for a wee or a poo, they can really

take their time in front of the mirror with Oscar

and you can always tell because they flush and then there's about

another five minutes...

"You're playing with Oscar!" And then they come out...

CLEARS THROAT

How was Oscar? They go, "Oh, my God! He's so heavy!"

But, yes, it's a lot of fun watching people.

-It's the time test. Too long for a pee, too short for a poo.

-Yes.

You know they're in there with the Oscar.

LAUGHTER

Because you went through the whole Oscar thing, Michael.

Did you go with a speech in your pocket?

No, I didn't. I don't know why. I never really prepare speeches.

I probably should, looking back on some of the ones that I've made.

Especially a best man's speech that I did one time which was awful.

-I just really kind of went blank.

-Oh, no.

Yes, it was. It's OK. They're divorced now.

LAUGHTER

You didn't waste your time.

-You're not joking, are you?

-No, I'm not.

-But, yes, no. I never prepare, no.

-Have you been to the Oscars, 50?

Once. I was like, in the back.

-Were you near the bar?

-I just wanted to feel the energy.

You know, when they're taking selfies and stuff like that.

Waving at Meryl. We've met!

Putting on your green hat. It's me!

Right. It's time for our musical performance.

The winner of the Best Female Artist at the Brits last year.

The first two albums went platinum and now she's back for the third.

Performing her current single, On My Mind, please welcome Ellie Goulding.

# Oh-oh

# Oh-oh oh oh-oh

# It...

# It's a little blurry how the whole thing started

# I don't even really know what you intended

# Thought that you were cute and you could make me jealous

# Poured it down, so I poured it down

# Next thing that I know, I'm in a hotel with you

# You were talking deep, like it was mad love to you

# You wanted my heart but I just liked your tattoos

# Poured it down, so I poured it down

# And now I don't understand it

# You don't mess with love, you mess with the truth

# And I know I shouldn't say it

# But my heart don't understand why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on...

# My heart don't understand why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my...

# Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah

# Now, I always hear, I always hear them talking

# Talking 'bout a girl, 'bout a girl with my name

# Saying that I hurt you, but I still don't get it

# You didn't love me No, not really

# But wait!

# I could've really liked you

# I bet, I bet that's why I keep on thinking 'bout you

-# It's a shame

-It's a shame

# You said I was good, so I poured it down

# So I poured it down

# And now I don't understand it

# You don't mess with love, you mess with the truth

# And I know I shouldn't say it

# But my heart don't understand why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my mind

# Why I got you on my...

-# You think you know somebody

-Why I got you on my mind

-# You think you know somebody

-Why I got you on my mind

-# You think you know somebody

-Why I got you on my mind

# Mind

# You got yourself

# In a dangerous zone

# Cos we both got the fear

# Fear of being alone

# And I still don't understand it

# You don't mess with love, you mess with the truth

# And my heart don't understand it, understand it

# Understand it

# Oh, no, no, no, no, no

-# Why I got you on my mind

-You think you know somebody

-# Why I got you on my mind

-You think you know somebody

-# Why I got you on my mind

-You think you know somebody

# Why I got you on...

# My heart don't understand why I got you on my mind

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, yeah, yeah

-# You think you know somebody

-Why I got you on my mind

# And my heart don't understand why I got you on my mind

# You think you know somebody

-# Why I got you on my mind

-You think you know somebody

-# Why I got you on my mind

-You think you know somebody

# I-I-I-I

# Oh, yeah. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ellie Goulding, everybody!

Come over and join us, do.

Ellie Goulding!

-Oh, that's gorgeous. How are you? Come and join everybody.

-Thank you.

You sit yourself down there beside 50

with Julie, Michael, Kate. They're all here. The gang's all in. Lovely.

Lovely.

Now, congratulations, that looked and sounded marvellous.

And that's the single, On My Mind, and that's from Delirium,

the album, which is available now!

-Yes, it's out.

-The video for that song is pretty epic.

-They went to town on the video.

-Yeah.

-So, you were in Vegas?

-Yep.

-But did they shut Vegas for you?

Er, we got to ride horses through an old casino.

Actually, it's still running, you can still gamble there.

But it was all very surreal and bizarre,

especially the horse-riding bit.

-We've got a picture of you. This is you on the Strip.

-Oh, wow!

-And you go quite fast!

-Erm, yeah, we had to. We did have to.

I mean, I've ridden horses before, so it wasn't that scary,

but they were a little bit scared, I think,

so they did poo a lot.

-Inside the casino?

-Inside, yeah.

And did you have to go, like, down steps and things on a horse?

Yeah, we pretty much had to do everything. I do all my own stunts.

That's difficult!

Yeah, it was hard,

but I wanted to make something sort of Thelma & Louise, quite epic.

-It was different.

-Yeah, different.

I definitely wouldnt've went down steps on a horse.

-Do you spend a lot of time in Vegas, 50?

-Yeah, I'm out there a lot.

But to go down the steps on a horse...

My horse needs another horse in front of it to follow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-And somebody else on top of it.

-Right.

To make sure we not doing nothing,

I'm not signalling for it to do anything crazy.

No, because, Michael Fassbender, was it on Jane Eyre you had a horse?

You had a very badly behaved horse

-on Jane Eyre.

-Prince. Yeah.

-Prince was the horse.

-Yeah, yeah.

So, what would happen?

Well, he used to get quite aroused whenever I got on his back.

-Did he?

-Yeah, he did, yeah.

I could understand that!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dan, the horse handler, had to get on it and sort of, y'know,

canter him or give him a little trot so he'd sort of slap off his...

his...

retract it back in and then it was good to go.

-Until you got on again.

-Until I got on again, and then...

-"Cut!"

-You can't have that in your lovely Jane Eyre film!

-Yeah, yeah.

"Jane!"

Now, of course, Ellie, a lot of people discovered you through

-the Christmas ad, the John Lewis ad.

-Yeah.

-Your Song.

-Yeah.

That was a kind of a big deal for you.

I mean, that did introduce you to a whole different level.

-JULIE:

-It was lovely.

-Oh, thank you!

Yeah, I'd released songs of a more electronic orientation,

and then, when I did that song, it was just my voice and a piano.

And I did it with Ben Lovett from Mumford & Sons,

and he directed me, and, yeah, it was like people had heard me

for the very first time when that advert came out.

Yeah. Because this Christmas,

someone on the couch will be featuring heavily in a Christmas ad.

Yes! Kate Winslet looked at me, like, "Am I in a Christmas ad?"

"Wait, I'm sure I didn't..."

-That's what they're all thinking!

-"Did I do M&S this year?

"I can't remember."

-No, but so posh, you're in the Burberry ad.

-I'm in the Burberry!

-Yes.

-You did have to jump up and down on a trampoline, though.

Oh, it was heaven.

-It was heaven!

-I can't jump on trampolines any more.

-I wet myself.

-Well, you do.

You do. You absolutely do. I thought it was my age.

-Cos you're laughing?

-No!

When you've had a few children, you know, it's just what happens.

-You haven't had children, have you?

-I still wet myself.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-Just generally speaking.

Two sneezes, I'm fine. Three..

it's game over. Game over.

-Is it a nice feeling?

-No!

It's bloody awful, and especially if you're wearing a skirt.

Yes, but also, in borrowed Burberry clothes, you don't want to...

You don't want to make... I was terribly embarrassed the first time.

I said, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" And it was terribly ungainly,

because you're on a trampoline trying to get off it, you know?

But I loved it. It makes you so high!

I was high as a kite! I could have gone on!

At my great age, I could have gone on for hours doing it.

APPLAUSE

Well, er, Ellie, good luck with the album and the tour.

Ellie Goulding, everybody. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very quickly before we go,

we've just got time for a quick visit to the big red chair. Who's there?

-Hello, sir.

-Hi.

-Hi. What's your name?

-I'm Spence.

-Spence?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

-And where are you from, Spence?

-I'm from Devon.

-Devon.

-Yeah.

-All right. Do you live in Devon or here?

No, I live in, er, Kentish Town at the moment.

OK. You had to think about that. Must be hard getting a cab.

And, er, what do you do, Devon? No, you're not Devon. Who are you?

-Spence.

-Spence!

APPLAUSE

-Spence. What do you do, Spence?

-I'm a student.

-A student of...?

-Clinical molecular endocrinology.

-He-llo!

Finally! Finally a student of

clinical molecular something or other.

-Off you go, Spence.

-OK.

So, erm, I've got three older brothers, and back in the day,

-we found out Titanic was coming out.

-Oh!

We were all very excited, the four of us, that Kate Winslet,

-you know, sort of...

-Yes, we understand. Keep going.

-Oh, God!

-We may flip you. Keep going.

We convinced my mum to take us in the car to the cinema.

And we watched for an hour and a half of Titanic,

and as it came up to the scene,

my mum sort of covered my eyes like this. All my brothers got to see.

And I was so angry I walked out and sort of got grounded...

How very dare you walk out of a film I am in!

APPLAUSE

-Definitely not invited, that one.

-All right. That is it for tonight.

Please say thank you to my lovely guests.

Ellie Goulding! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

50 Cent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Julie Walters! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Michael Fassbender! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Kate Winslet! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're not here next week. It's Children in Need.

But do join me in two weeks' time, with comeback kings Duran Duran,

comedian David Walliams, Doctor Who Peter Capaldi and the one

and only Mr Tom Hanks!

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE