Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language.

Tonight on the show, the star of the hit BBC drama The Night Manager

and one of the hottest men around. OK, just get ready.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, it's Tom Hiddleston!

CHEERING

Let's start the show!

Hello! Oh! Thank you very much.

Thank you! Thank you!

I know, I know, I'm not Tom, I'm not Tom!

Hello and welcome. We've got a great show tonight.

I tell you, I couldn't be more excited

than if I was a Leicester City supporter.

APPLAUSE Yes, even I know about this!

Even I! LAUGHTER

Well done, Leicester. Isn't it great? It's lovely!

APPLAUSE

It is a fabulous, fabulous story.

From the Thai owners to the Italian manager,

it's a fantastic example of British talent coming through.

LAUGHTER

The names, of course, of the players are going to be legendary,

Jamie Vardy...

..the others. LAUGHTER

Hey! And on the subject of unfancied outsiders winning big,

it looks like Donald Trump

will be running for American president.

I know, it's going to happen! AUDIENCE HISS AND JEER

Of course, in this country a "trump" is an unpleasant smell

that comes from an anus.

Same way as it is in America.

Hey! Let's get some guests on!

CHEERING

Later we'll have music from CHVRCHES.

But first, this woman is a star of Live At The Apollo,

QI, Mock The Week and W1A.

She's one of the UK's brightest comedians,

now turned author,

please welcome, for the first time, it's Sara Pascoe!

APPLAUSE Hello, Sara Pascoe!

Mmm! Kissing, showbiz kissing! Come in, sit down!

Hello, thank you!

From action in Con Air, drama in Dangerous Liaisons,

and the surreal in Being John Malkovich,

this man is one of the world's most versatile actors

of stage and screen.

Please welcome John Malkovich, everybody!

CHEERING

Hello, sir.

Lovely to see you. Have a seat.

Pulp Fiction, Star Wars and The Avengers,

this man has been in over 150 films

and has taken an incredible 4 billion at the box office.

Please welcome the King Of Cool, Samuel L Jackson!

CHEERING

Whoo!

How are you? Nice to see you. Come in and sit down.

He rose to fame as Marvel's villainous Loki

and recently wowed us in the BBC hit drama The Night Manager.

Now he brings us a virtuoso performance

as Hank Williams in I Saw The Light,

please welcome Mr Tom Hiddleston.

CHEERING

Hello. Lovely to see you. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

So, welcome, all.

-It is a warm, first welcome to Sara. Hi.

-Hello.

Everyone else has been on before.

Tom, have you recovered from your last appearance?

Erm... Just about, yeah!

Have you told the others about what happened last time?

-I don't think I have.

-You were halfway through telling me

and then we had to come out here.

Oh! Well, you will listen with interest now!

LAUGHTER

I was sitting in your position

and in my position was sat the great American actor

Robert De Niro.

And I was challenged, requested... Required?

Suggested, I think! LAUGHTER

..by Graham, to do an impersonation of Robert De Niro

in front of Robert De Niro.

To this day, I still don't know why I did that!

LAUGHTER We have got a still.

A still of the moment. There you are with your De Niro face.

LAUGHTER

The face is good.

And there you have Robert De Niro down the other end, just going,

"You mean this face?"

Now, here's a thing.

John Malkovich, I was saying this to you in the corridor,

you've never been in a film with Samuel L Jackson.

-No.

-Cos you've both been in a lot of films.

It is weird there is no Venn diagram where you are both in there.

None of my movies are serious and he is a serious actor.

-No, no, I was in Con Air!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If that's serious, I'm an astronaut.

I wanted to be in that movie!

-Sara Pascoe, I'm saying "Sarah" - it is SAY-RAH?

-It is SAY-RAH.

-Cos there is no "h".

-No. It is spelt without an "h".

Sometime's people think it is SA-RA, but it's not.

But it worked out in my favour, actually,

cos there is a woman who is called Sarah Pascoe, with an "h".

And for ages... You know, people, comics especially,

they always talk about getting abuse on Twitter and stuff,

and I was always kind of backstage, being very sympathetic,

but thinking, "I'm just universally loved."

And then I got an e-mail from a woman, through my website,

who says, "Can you warn me the next time you're on television?

"Because I'm getting a lot of messages

"saying that I'm a fat bitch!"

-And, so... Sorry, Sarah Pascoe!

-With an "h"!

And I am sorry, because I recently checked back

to see if she was still on Twitter

and she has changed her little bio to

"Not the one who was shit on Live At The Apollo."

AUDIENCE: Aaaw!

Ooh! Everyone is a critic. LAUGHTER

Tom Hiddleston, have you ever had any bad reviews? No.

Ahhh... You make a man feel good, Graham!

No, I was in a play,

I had never, ever been professionally reviewed.

And in the paper the next day was a British theatre critic

who said I was completely out of place,

too young, too RADA...

..and projecting about as much masculinity...as Graham Norton.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow!

That's good! That's good!

I've been dragged into your bad review!

-I'm sorry!

-No, don't apologise!

I've been dragged into your bad review!

I wasn't even there!

-Like it's your fault!

-Yes!

As I sit across from you now I think how terrifically butch you are.

I know! I've really made an effort tonight!

LAUGHTER Oh, dear!

Now, Tom Hiddleston, you bring us a new biopic

telling the life story of the country and western star

Hank Williams.

It's called I Saw The Light, it opens tonight.

Hank Williams, it's a name that...

Particularly British people, we know the name,

but we're not quite sure

of where he is in the country and western pantheon,

what his songs are, why his life is interesting.

Basically, he is considered as one of the godfathers of American music,

he was almost the first guy doing a particular thing.

He was from Mount Olive, Alabama, he was born in 1923,

and he became a huge star

and he wrote some of the most recognisable songs

in the American song book.

Just to help people, name some of the hits.

Hey Good Looking is one of them.

# What ya got cooking? #

-"What ya got cooking?"

-LAUGHTER

Erm... Move It On Over, Lovesick Blues,

Why Don't You Love Me?

I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry, Cold, Cold Heart...

-Are you still naming songs?

-LAUGHTER

He's having a breakdown!

LAUGHTER

And for you, obviously, it is a big acting challenge

because it's a real person, it's a specific accent,

but what's really phenomenal is the music that you perform.

-Thank you.

-And you hadn't done this.

Never. I was never in a band, never in the choir.

Singing was exclusively for an audience of one in the shower - me.

-Badly.

-Thanks for pointing that out!

LAUGHTER

-Just in case anybody got any ideas!

-Hiding in hotel rooms!

You didn't play the guitar before, and you play it in this?

-I play in this. I play everything...

-And you'd never played?

I had noodled around. I noodled around as a student,

I learnt Knocking On Heaven's Door, and Simple Twist of Fate...

What was the...? Because, you know, it's not just singing.

It is very specific singing, the yodelling and everything.

Presumably not everyone can do that.

-No.

-So if you had discovered you couldn't do it,

were they going to fire you,

or were they going to dub Hank Williams?

-What was going to happen?

-I honestly don't know.

-Can you yodel as Robert De Niro?

-LAUGHTER

It's one of your talents!

Uh... Let me check.

No!

-Give us a little yodel.

-It goes a little something like this...

Erm... Oh, God. Here we go.

CLICKS FINGERS TO BEAT

YODELLING # She's long gone

# And I am

# A lonesome blue. #

Lovely. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's look at a clip. This is you as Hank Williams

performing with Hank's wife and mother looking on.

-OK.

-Here we go.

# When you are sad and lonely

# And have no place to go

# Come to see me, baby

# And bring home some dough

# And we'll go honky tonkin' Honky tonkin'

# Honky tonkin', honey, baby

# We'll go honky tonkin' around this town... #

How much you got there?

I'm under no obligation to you.

That goes both ways, huh?

Keep drinking like a fish.

You think so?

# Honky tonkin', honey, baby

# We'll go honky tonkin' around this town... #

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

What was the performance...?

Was that the performance they made you do considerably more than once?

No, that song was in my wheelhouse, actually.

Lovesick Blues, which is the song that made him a star,

it has a very technical yodel in it.

I love that phrase! "A very technical yodel!"

Not one of those easy ones you do in the shower, yeah.

-OK, how many takes?

-56.

-Wow! AUDIENCE GASP

-Whoa!

-LAUGHTER

Oooh!

Samuel L Jackson, takes aren't a thing you're keen on?

I'm here to bear witness to the fact that Sam likes to move fast.

Very true!

I don't vary that much. I'm not that actor.

I do the same thing all the time.

But sometimes, and I can speak from experience,

Sam is so charismatic,

and he has been for as many years as you've been making movies.

Well done!

But sometimes you are in a scene with Sam

and you just kind of go out of the scene

and you are just watching Sam...being Sam,

and it's really powerful

and you go, "Hang on a second, what's my line?"

I've only had that, well...

I was doing a movie with Dustin Hoffman

and in the middle of the shot,

Dustin just stops and goes, "Wait. Cut, cut.

"Sam, I saw you."

I said, "You saw me what? What?"

And he said, "I saw you say to yourself,

"'Oh, my God, that's Dustin Hoffman!'"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"I'm like, 'Shut up!'"

"You were amazed!"

"'Oh, my God, I'm acting with Dustin Hoffman.'"

Was it in Dangerous Liaisons, John,

you had the person who was coaching you on historical accuracy?

He was a count, the Count of something or other...

LAUGHTER

..and he came to the chateaux where we were shooting

and I think probably somebody involved with the film,

I don't know, the studio or the director,

or somebody, had decided that probably I might require

some tutoring in some of these historical notions and customs.

And so he watched us rehearse a scene

and someone came in, and I bowed,

and he said to me,

"I know 2,000 bows from this period,

"and that doesn't seem to me to be one of them."

LAUGHTER

Too many bows to have memorised, too many.

And I said, "Well, now you know 2,001!"

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-Hey, we've got to mention The Night Manager,

Tom Hiddleston.

What a huge success that thing was. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, it was really good, you were great in it.

It is on in America now, isn't it?

Yes, it just aired episode three this week.

-What is it on, over there? AMC?

-AMC.

-I'm recording it.

-Oh, I see, yes!

-Don't tell me!

-OK!

You have already said no more,

but haven't the BBC said that there is more?

What is the truth, Tom?

Erm... Goodness, OK.

The truth is, we have got to the end of the adaptation of the novel,

so The Night Manager novel by John le Carre has been adapted,

there is no more Night Manager to adapt.

No more Night to Manage, thus far!

Isn't it his son who has the production company that makes it?

-That's right, yes.

-So there will be more, won't there?

LAUGHTER

He'll think of something else for that manager to do!

-You never know.

-"He's the day manager now!"

LAUGHTER

We must ask you, James Bond, Tom Hiddleston,

what's the scoop, what's going on?

Listen to that!

-Listen to that.

-Yes!

-Well, Graham, what can I tell you?

-I don't know!

LAUGHTER

-Has anyone talked to you about it?

-No, no-one's talked to me at all.

Are you allowed to talk about it if they talk to you about it,

or is there a non-disclosure, even in the chat?

I promise you, no-one's talked to me about it.

I think it's come about because in The Night Manager

I play a spy and we all know in the iconography of British culture

there is a spy that we all know, and his name is James Bond,

so people have made the link.

Also, I've always wanted to see him yodel.

LAUGHTER

Double-oh ho-ho! That'd be good!

APPLAUSE

Now, we must mention, Samuel L Jackson,

you're back as a spokesperson for One For The Boys,

-which raises awareness of men's cancer.

-Male cancer, yes.

I've never asked you this, because you've been on to talk about it

before, but how did you get involved?

Have you had a scare yourself? Is it a personal thing?

No, actually, the young lady that does my publicity or

publicity bookings when I'm here in the UK,

Sophia Davies, had a friend who passed,

who never said anything.

All of a sudden, he was just sick and dead. Boom.

She was very disturbed by that,

and we had conversations about men

and why they don't talk like women do

or have this whole pink thing going on and check themselves.

So she decided we need to figure out a way to get men

talking about cancer and let them know that a lot of men

in this country die from cancer.

That's what it's about, trying to get men to understand

that they get the same kinds of cancer that women do.

Men get breast cancer, skin cancer,

we have testicular cancer, they have uterine cancer.

But all this stuff is... A body is a body.

We want guys to know that if you feel something,

say something to somebody, go get checked.

Early detection, 90% of the time you get taken care of and safe,

you don't have to go through misery.

Years before, we've always done things that are light-hearted,

we have a golf tournament, the fashion ball every year

that's connected to Men's Fashion Week.

This year, for a change, we have another film -

we make a film every year, about men's cancer.

They're usually light-hearted and fun and we make people laugh

in the seriousness of the moment.

But this year we decided to do something a little more heavy.

Let's have a look at the film.

You can't turn back the clock.

Cancer waits for no man.

Acting early could mean the difference between death and life.

There are people waiting to help you,

and getting their help early could stop a little worry

from becoming a big problem.

You may save a life today.

Your own.

APPLAUSE

You know, it's a serious subject, a dark subject,

-but in the end there is hope for people if they do act early.

-Yeah.

There's lots to be done.

-Very much so.

-Why do you think it is

that men don't talk about their health as much, then?

Because we're always taught to be tough. It's a sign of weakness.

We just don't do it.

As actors, we go to the doctor more than everybody,

because every time you do a movie

everybody wants you to get a physical.

You know. I don't care...

I bitch out every year about how many times do I have to do this?

Don't they have a database?

Every insurance company wants their own physical,

so we get checked a lot.

Now, Sara Pascoe - talking of charity -

you have had a charity idea.

-Yes...

-It's not in the same vein, but I still think very good.

Kind of. It's going to seem very flippant

after what we've just been talking about.

In my defence, before I start.

But I'm very worried about myself, when I get older,

I have quite a hairy face, I've got polycystic ovaries.

And I'm worried about what happens

when I'm a really old lady in hospital.

And without anybody to perhaps check me with some tweezers.

So this is my charity idea - I'm looking for volunteers.

Basically, what happened is young women go into hospital wards

and just pluck the chins and faces of older women for them.

So they can be ill respectfully.

And it's going to be called Digni-tash...

LAUGHTER

..and we're looking for your support.

APPLAUSE It's good! I like it.

I don't want to be indelicate, but, Samuel,

you have recently lost your title

-as the highest-grossing actor of all time.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-I've been displaced.

-By...?

Harrison Ford. Again.

I displaced him, he displaced me, but hey - it's only 70 mil.

Pfft!

LAUGHTER

I got him covered in July.

He's lucky I'm not in Captain America 3 now.

-Have you seen the new Star Wars?

-Yeah.

-OK.

All right!

LAUGHTER

It would have been better with you in it.

-That's the bottom line.

-Or more popular, anyway.

It couldn't be more popular.

Yes, it could!

I haven't seen it and I would have watched it if you were in.

You see? Right there, right there.

-But you do watch all your films, is this right?

-Yes, I do.

Religiously.

I do, I watch them at home, I go to the theatre.

I know when I have a movie that's opening,

I know it's going to make at least 1,000 that weekend

because I buy 1,000 worth of tickets.

And I give them to the church,

or I give them to somebody and their kids go.

But I go to the movie after the movie's been open for a moment,

to see what normal people are saying or doing

while they're watching the film, to see how they react to it.

You go to a premiere, everybody is there to kiss your ass, come on.

"I loved the movie! Oh, my God, you were amazing!" You know?

You go with some regular people and they go, "This movie sucked!"

"But that Sam Jackson was the shit! He's always the shit!"

So, yeah, I go, I like it.

And if I'm sitting at home...

APPLAUSE

If I'm channel surfing and there's nothing else on,

I go to the search engine and go Samuel L Jackson. Boom.

It's the truth.

And I watch it.

Aren't you the opposite, John? You don't go to see anything.

Do you avoid everything?

Have you seen...Con Air?

No.

OK.

To give people an idea

of how much John doesn't like to see his own films,

you've just done a new film, and it's called 100 Years.

And it comes out - put it in your diaries -

on the 18th of November 2115.

LAUGHTER

Have you really made that film?

I have, Graham. Sadly, I must say,

it's not the first one I've made that no living person will ever see.

Let's be clear.

I have made that film with Robert Rodriguez.

It's a short film

for the French cognac company Remy Martin

and that cognac takes 100 years to make.

So they came to me with this idea

to do a film that wouldn't be seen for 100 years.

And it's actually done, it's completed,

it's sitting in a vault in Cognac.

And I have these kind of metal tickets...

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

-Cognac fans.

-There's some cognac fans at the back.

Or just drinkers. "He said cognac!"

Or they're very young.

"We're the only people who'll still be alive in 100 years!

"We'll have killed everything by then!"

I'm sure John Malkovich fans will still be alive and waiting.

Because fans are such a big thing in your world.

Samuel L Jackson, you've had some very famous fans.

I'm thinking about the person -

was it a Michael Jackson tribute or concert?

Oh, yeah. Michael Jackson was doing...

I don't know what he was doing.

LAUGHTER

He was having a series of concerts in New York.

And I was there one night to introduce Whitney Houston and Usher.

I was standing backstage waiting to introduce them.

Somebody walked up behind me

and started reciting the Ezekiel speech, which happens a lot.

So I was like, who the fuck is this?

I turn around

and it's Marlon Brando!

Oh, wow!

I let him finish and I'm like, "Oh, my God,

"it's Marlon Brando, reciting a speech from my movie?"

He said, "I love that movie."

This was awesome.

So he's like, "We need to talk." He gives me his phone number,

and naturally when I get back home I call him.

And when I call the number, it's a Chinese restaurant.

LAUGHTER

I go...

Is Mr Brando having dinner there? They go, hold on.

Sure enough, he comes on the phone.

LAUGHTER

And every time I call that number,

it was either a Chinese restaurant or a Chinese laundry.

But whoever answered the phone,

that's how they answered the phone for him.

And you had to ask for him specifically to get him.

But also, the big thing fans have is fan art.

Sara Pascoe, I know you have had that accolade

of people sending you fan art.

I've got one piece and I think fan art is a strong word.

We've got a picture, shall we see it first?

OK. So, it's of me.

-Actually, it's worth saying that it's of you.

-Yes!

-It's of me.

-This is the fan art of Sara Pascoe.

The reason I think fan art is a very loose term

is that I was given this at a gig in lieu of payment.

I don't want to brag about my career.

That's because the guy who ran the gig

had spent too much at the bar to pay me.

So he painted that?

After being at the bar?

-What are those bits?

-I just think they're free...

biscuits?

Or doughnuts or something.

Have you been sent pictures of people

who tattooed your face on their bodies?

Oh, no, I'm not there yet.

-Have you got there?

-Yeah!

-One day.

I get them in my Twitter feed all the time.

These guys who have their whole calves,

or a picture of Jules on their chest.

Or Nick Fury.

People love the Avengers.

And now, Tom Hiddleston, you have fan art,

but such specific fan art.

There's a lot, yeah.

Does it all come from this one scene?

Was it the first Thor movie with the spear?

Oh, right, right. Yeah.

Yes, there's a scene in the first Thor film

where I'm trying to attack Thor - Chris Hemsworth as Thor -

with a spear.

And I jump in the air and he dodges out of the way

and I bring the spear down and it wedges itself into the floor.

Then I use it to spin myself around and kick him in the chest.

Which has been interpreted by fans as a demonstration

of my hidden talent at pole dancing.

Pole dancer!

Seriously, there is so much of this,

this is just one example of Loki really going for it on the pole.

Oh, my God!

APPLAUSE

-JOHN:

-Is that Japanese, by chance?

And that's what you wear in the movie?

Have you not seen it? Yeah, that's Loki's outfit.

-I've not seen that one.

-Oh, really?

We'll print it out, you can take it home.

It's a broad church tonight,

because John Malkovich is directing a play called Good Canary.

It's on at the Rose Theatre, down in Kingston.

It's from the 16th of September until the 8th of October.

Is this the third time you've directed this film?

-It is.

-Or play.

-Play.

-Play!

Play, I'm all over it. Play, play.

-Play.

-Play.

But this is the first time in English?

First time in English, yeah.

But it was written in English?

It was written in English.

And in 2007, I had it translated.

And we did it in Paris.

And then, 2009, had it translated into Spanish in that case,

and did it in Mexico City.

And then it toured around in Mexico and toured around in France also.

And this will be the first production in English.

And basically, what is the story, what is it about?

Part of the story I can't really tell,

because that's what happens in the play.

Which would be quite a spoiler.

But it's essentially about a young couple,

the male of the couple has just had his first novel

published and reviewed, which has become an enormous success.

And he's married to a quite difficult,

fantastic character.

Speed addict.

And general lunatic.

The Rose gets all these big, huge names now.

-Yeah.

-My ex-boyfriend works there.

If you see Kieron, say hello.

What does he do?

Actually, I shouldn't have said that because that's true!

Shh! Shut up!

Half a glass of champagne.

"That bastard!"

If you want somebody to play the speed addict,

keep me in mind!

LAUGHTER

That's enough now!

Now, Sara Pascoe has published an autobiography called Animal.

I say it's an autobiography, it's sort of the story of your life...

It's got some autobiographical details,

but it's not an autobiography per se.

It's a kind of very light-hearted science book

about how the female body evolved.

That sounds like a joke, but it is. That is what it is.

And you did lots of research, you lived as a woman.

I have. Almost since I was born. And...

Yeah... So it kind of worked its way out of an Edinburgh show,

so in 2014, I'd been researching for an Edinburgh show and I wanted to

talk about female sexuality and I found out about kamikaze sperm.

Do you know what I mean by that? No. No. Let me tell you.

So, basically, men have two kinds of sperm -

kamikaze and egg-getters - and kamikaze can't fertilise an egg.

What they do is they fight other men's sperm

when they're mixed together, so they have a fight or they block...

-And how do they get mixed together?

-Well, this is the next question.

-This is the next logical question.

-I think I can answer that, John.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just checking.

Whenever anyone talks about this,

and it is the generation I think I grew up in, all I can think about is

the opening sequence of Look Who's Talking with Bruce Willis

and you can hear Bruce Willis saying, "Hey, man, let me through!"

For ages, for ages, I thought

I could remember being in the womb because of the beginning

of that film and my memory was actually being those guys.

But the book, it also...

We should say there are some serious things in the book and there's

a lot of really honest, brutally honest stuff about your own life in the book.

Yes. I didn't really realise how honest it was until other

people responded to it like, "Oh, I can't believe you've told everyone,"

but I'm a bit like that after a wine. I can't help it.

I tell everyone else's secrets.

I keep going, "I'm a Gemini, I'm a communicator."

Not an excuse.

But on stage, I mean, it does seem like that you

and your boyfriend, in different comedy clubs, on any night

of the week, are workshopping your relationship in front of strangers.

That's a nice way of putting it!

You did a thing about his body shape he didn't like.

The thing is I love my boyfriend's body

and so it was with complete affection I talked about it.

He's a 34-year-old man, he's got very thin arms and legs

and a massive belly, and I was doing stand-up,

because I loved that belly.

He looks pregnant, I love to stroke it and imagine it's our child.

And, erm... Complimentary!

And then he heard me saying it and he went on a diet

and I felt really bad and he only lost weight from his arms and legs.

LAUGHTER

I do feel terrible about it.

It's horrible, isn't it? I'm a horrible girlfriend.

And I'm sure when he hears the reaction to that joke...

I know I've just made it worse.

Now, this... I have heard you tell a story and it is...

I mean, I don't know if you have limits in the things you talk about,

-but you did talk, in the past, about your cat...

-Oh, yes.

And it's quite a personal story. Do you mind...?

-I don't mind telling you. It's two cats I had.

-It's two?

-Yes, and we'd gone to...

I don't have them any more, because I split up with that boyfriend

and they live now with his mum and that's another happy...

-Say hello to Kieran.

-Is this the one at the theatre?

-No, it's a different boyfriend.

So, basically, we got them from Battersea Cats & Dogs Home

and they were called Ashley and Topaz,

and so then I changed their names to Archie and Thelma, because

I didn't go to university for three years to have working-class cats.

And obviously, cats are brilliant, brilliant pets

and they're beautiful animals and I love them very much

and what's embarrassing about this st...

Basically, I got a vibrator...

For reasons... Let's not share those.

And...I got a vibrator and I couldn't enjoy it,

because whenever I switched it on, the cats, no matter where

they were in the house, they thought it was another cat purring.

And they rushed to make friends with it.

-Was that the bit you meant?

-Yeah, that's the one.

-That's the bit.

-True story.

-I love that story!

-You had two cats and a rabbit.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's time for music. This band, they have had an incredible five years.

From their critically-acclaimed first album

to selling out venues worldwide.

Here performing their single Leave A Trace, please welcome CHVRCHES!

# I gave up on time Just like you said you would

# There are tiny cracks of light underneath me

# And you say I got it wrong

# But I tried hard to uncover them

# I have somehow got away with everything

# Anything you ever did was strictly by design

# But you got it wrong

# And I'll go anywhere but there

# And you had best believe

# That you cannot build what I don't need

# And I know I need to feel relief

# And I know you'll never fold

# But I believe nothing that I'm told

# And I know I need to feel relief

# I know I need to feel released

# Take care to tell it just as it was

# Take care to tell on me for the cause

# I know I need to feel released

# Take care to bury all that you can

# Take care to leave a trace of a man

# I will show restraint just like we said we should

# You think I'll apologise for things I left behind

# But you got it wrong

# And I'm as sane as I ever was

# You talk far too much for someone so unkind

# I will wipe the salt off of my skin

# And I'll admit that I got it wrong

# And there is grey between the lines

# And you had best believe that you cannot build what I don't need

# And I know I need to feel relief

# And I know you'll never fold but I believe nothing that I'm told

# And I know I need to feel relief

# I know I need to feel released

# Take care to tell it just as it was

# Take care to tell on me for the cause

# And I know I need to feel release

# Take care to bury all that you can

# Take care to leave a trace of a man

# I know, I know, I know, I know...

# ..I know I need to feel released

# Take care to tell it just as it was

# Take care to tell on me for the cause

# I know I need to feel released

# Take care to bury all that you can

# Take care to leave a trace of a man

# I know, I know, I know, I know. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHVRCHES, everybody!

Come and join me, do.

Come on. In you come.

Good CHVRCHES. Good CHVRCHES.

Good CHVRCHES. Hello.

Hi. Lovely to see you. You go on there and sit down.

Hello, sir. Lovely to see you.

Hi, nice to see you.

Go, sit. Sit.

Just wave at them. Wave at them. Wave at them.

Wave at them. Wave at them.

Now, so it's Lauren, Iain and Martin,

and that is from the album Every Open Eye, and that's out now, man.

It's out. It's been out, it's happening.

-So five years you've been together.

-Pretty much. Nearly five, yeah.

Now, what gives, because, Lauren, you don't

live on the same continent as those boys now, do you?

No. I was like, "There's not enough space in Glasgow for all of us."

How smelly were they on that tour bus?

It was just like, "I'm moving continents."

Yes, there's just so much fart... I had to move to an entirely

different continent to get away from all the tour farts.

But no, I guess we spend a lot of our time in America anyway,

so I thought I'd try it while they're stupid enough to give me a visa.

OK, so what's the story, you are touring

-but are you touring in America?

-We just got done in the States.

We're back in Europe for a bit, we've got some festivals -

-Glastonbury, Reading and Leeds, Latitude, all that stuff.

-OK.

Wow, so many places I won't be able to see you.

So, listen, thanks for coming. CHVRCHES. Thank you very much.

OK. Let's see who we've got in the big red chair.

-Who have we got first.

-Graham, can I do this? I've always...

-You can

-do it, but, but be gentle.

-OK, OK, OK.

-Be gentle, Tom.

-So who's up first?

-Hi, I'm Mon.

-And where are you from?

-I'm from West London.

-West London.

-And what do you do?

-I'm a HR consultant.

-Ooh!

-For a really big company?

-Yeah, you could say that.

-OK, I will.

LAUGHTER

Too big for Mon. OK, off you go with your story.

So, basically, I was going on holiday with family and friends

and we got to India and our plane arrived.

It was the only flight that arrived at about three o'clock in the

morning and we are all picking up our luggage and, from a distance,

I noticed someone and I thought it was Tina Turner,

so I went up to her and I said, "Are you Tina Turner?"

And she goes, "Yes, I am."

I go, "Oh, do you mind if I can get a picture taken with you?"

And she goes, "No, I'm going to get mobbed here."

And I sort of looked over my shoulders and I go,

"But I'm the only one that's in front of you."

So I walked away, thinking, "OK, fine, fair enough,"

and then, the next bit we got to the immigration bit.

She was in front of me with all of her crew and the guy that was asking

all the immigration questions had really broken English and he started

talking a little bit in Indian, or Punjabi, and she turned to me

and she goes, "Can you help me?"

And I go, "No, sorry, I'm going to get mobbed here."

Oh! Ohhh!

Oh! You can walk.

-You can walk. Oh! I did not see that coming.

-That was good.

I did not see that coming.

-That was good.

-No, because I was thinking,

"Oh, it wasn't really Tina Turner."

No, it was. Tina being a bit of a bitch.

LAUGHTER

Well, to be fair, she never said please.

Is that what the problem was? OK. Quickly, quickly.

-One more, one more. Hello!

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-I'm Debbie.

-Debbie. Hi, Debbie. What do you do?

-I'm a mother. That's quite enough.

OK. Of... Do you have many of the children?

-Two.

-Two. OK. How old are they?

-19 and eight... Ten, sorry.

LAUGHTER

-Wow. Just lost two years of her life there.

-Could you start again?

Those were the drinking years. OK. Where are you from?

-South-east London.

-South-east London. We'll just leave it at that.

All right. Off you go with your story.

So, I'm in bed with an ex-lover of mine

-and we decided we'd engage in some grown-up activities.

-Yes.

-You know, dinner for two...

-LAUGHTER

More than 68 but not quite 70.

So... Because I'm so lazy by nature, I'm on the bottom...

so I can't breathe through my mouth obviously because it's full...

so I take in a very deep breath through my nose...

-SHE INHALES

-..at which point his...

testicles form a tight seal...

across my nostrils, so I can't breathe at all,

so I'm wriggling around panicking. He's thinking, obviously,

"Oh, she's loving this, really loving this..."

I'm going to do it now, yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know, someone should... Maybe I need help, but...

I...

I envisaged two people, say, like this, but...

-if something...is in her mouth...

-Yes.

Why would the thing below it be in her nose?

-Because he's going that way.

-69, John.

-But also...

-69.

Also... Also...

Can I just say, we're leaving this conversation here.

If you want to know more, go on the red button. This is it.

-No, we're done. We're done!

-Why...?

-No, Sara! We're done.

-But why would you...

-Shut up! We're done! Well done, everyone!

If you'd like to join us after that and have a go

on the red chair, you can via our website at this address...

That's it for tonight. Please say a huge thank you to all my guests.

CHVRCHES!

Sara Pascoe!

John Malkovich!

Samuel L Jackson!

And Tom Hiddleston!

Join me next week with music from will.i.am,

comedian Jack Whitehall, X-Men stars James McAvoy

and Jennifer Lawrence, plus Hollywood legend Johnny Depp.

I'll see you, then. Goodnight, everybody. Bye-bye!