Episode 8 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, we have the stars of X-Men -

James, who can read minds, and Jennifer, who can shapeshift into anyone.

-James, if you can read minds, can you read Jennifer's mind right now?

-OK, go.

'I wish I could shapeshift off this stupid show.'

No, seriously, James, can you?

She's thinking that she can't wait to spend the evening with you.

Hooray! Let's start the show!

This programme contains strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, wow!

Wow!

Oh, hello!

Hello!

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

Is this a bigger audience than normal? Wow.

That's some crazy clapping there. Hello, everybody.

Welcome, all.

I should remind you, of course, it's Friday the 13th!

-ALL:

-Ooooh!

But don't worry, nothing terrible is going to happen.

Eurovision's tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

Will you all be watching Eurovision?

CHEERING Yeah, waving your flags.

Russia is this year's Eurovision favourite.

Yeah, ten to one...

in the morning is when the show's expected to finish.

LAUGHTER

Sugary drinks, ladies and gentleman, sugary drinks.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Later, Johnny Depp will be joining us...

CHEERING ..and we'll have music from will.i.am!

CHEERING

But now let's get some guests on!

This man was crowned the King of Comedy three years in a row,

created the hit series Bad Education,

and now he's making his mark in Hollywood.

Please welcome Jack Whitehall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yay! Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Hi, how are you?

Lovely to see you. Have a seat.

Hey!

We fell in love with this man in the award-winning Atonement.

Since then, he has been The Last King Of Scotland, Frankenstein,

and now he returns as Professor X in X-Men: Apocalypse.

It's James McAvoy, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. Lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you. Have a seat.

This Oscar-winning actress rose to super-stardom in The Hunger Games

and wowed us in Silver Linings Playbook,

Joy and American Hustle.

Now she's back saving the world in X-Men.

It's the wonderful Jennifer Lawrence, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So nice to see you.

I didn't know your name was pronounced Whitehall

until he just announced it,

-cos you're in my phone as Jack Puppy.

-Puppy?

LAUGHTER

Jack and I met on a magical night out,

when I humiliated myself more than I ever have before.

It was probably the best moment of my life.

-Worst moment of mine.

-Maybe worst of Jen's.

For the first time ever in my career -

I never assume anyone knows who I am.

- and I saw Harrison Ford and JJ Abrams

and I was like, "Yeah, this is fun, we're all co-workers."

Like, I can just go... So I was like,

"Be right back, guys. I'm going to go say hi to the Star Wars dudes."

And I approached their table and was like...

LAUGHTER

And they all... The whole table was just like...

LAUGHTER

And so I realised while I was dancing, I was like,

"They have no idea who I am. They have no idea who I am."

And so I just turned around and walked back.

And Jack was dying.

Cos I had done this show with Harrison Ford.

So he's, like, the only A-list Hollywood star that I know.

I mean, he's the only one I have.

So she'd just been blanked, and I was like,

"Hey, it's all right, I'll go and say hi to Harrison."

Everyone in the group was like, "Jack, don't do this.

"You'll be humiliated." I was like, "Nah, me and Harrison are tight."

They genuinely had no idea. So I get up, I walk over,

and at this point, I'm like, "Oh, God, maybe he won't remember me

"and I will be humiliated as well." I walked over, and literally

as I walked over, he was like, "Hey, Jack!"

LAUGHTER

You were a superstar.

APPLAUSE

So you guys, obviously you're now...

Is this the beginning of the X-Men press world tour thing?

Yeah, the juggernaut, as we like to call it. Yeah, no, this is the beginning.

We've done two days of chatting and chatting and chatting,

-but it's been good, hasn't it?

-Yeah. I've been with you.

It's been nice. We've had maybe a little bit too much fun.

So where are you going after this?

New York, China, erm......

And I think that's it, isn't it?

-Yeah, I'M not doing any...

-You're not doing China?

No, no, no, I lied and told them I'm on a movie.

LAUGHTER

Have you sorted out all your visas? Because I know...

-Was it when you were auditioning for the first X-Men...

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah. You had to come here to do it.

-This is just, like, let's...

This is just Humiliate Jennifer Day.

LAUGHTER

I was auditioning for the first X-Men.

My passport was expiring in under six months,

so apparently you're not supposed to travel, blah, blah, blah.

So they were like, "Whatever you do, don't tell them

"that you're here for work, cos they'll ask for a work visa.

"Say you're here for pleasure." And I'm like, "Oh, my good God.

"I have to lie. To a customs officer!"

And so I'm working myself up so much through the line.

I'm like, "OK, I just have to have a back story.

"And I have to believe it."

And so it gets there, and he was like, "Business or pleasure?"

And I was like, "Pleasure." "What are you doing for pleasure?"

"My brother's getting married."

He's like, "Where's he getting married?"

"Wimbledon."

LAUGHTER

"Is he American?" "Yes." "Do you have an invitation?" "No."

"Are you telling the truth?" "No. No! I'm here for work!

"And I don't have a work visa and my passport expires

"and I'm not even supposed to be here!"

And then I had to sit in a tiny little jail for like five hours

while they called my employer. I felt tiny.

But Jack, didn't you have a problem going the other way?

Yeah, I've just been in New York to do some press in New York.

And the man at the customs that stamps the passports,

he was like, "What is your occupation?"

And I was like, "Uh, comedian."

He was like, "Are you as funny as Jerry Seinfeld?" I was like, "No."

He was like, "Correct!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Nice to meet you too.

Oh, dear. Now James and Jennifer are reunited on the big screen

in X-Men: Apocalypse. It's out next Wednesday, the 18th of May.

And Jennifer, you're back as Raven/Mystique, Professor X.

So James, what happens in this one? What's the problem?

What's the problem? Well...

Er, you've got a bunch of mutants who are...

They're not really superheroes, I don't think.

I think they're like super rejects. That's what we are.

We're kind of super rejected.

-And not only...

-Speak for yourself!

No, we do. And we super reject each other as well.

We want to be this big team, and we keep going, like,

"I don't like your doctrine! I don't like your politics!"

Anyway, this big guy comes along, who's blue.

Played by Oscar Isaac. He thinks he's a God,

and he decides he's going to wipe the slate clean.

He's going to destroy all of the humans,

all the mutants, every single thing.

And unless we come together as a family,

basically get together and have a Sunday roast,

the entire world is going to end.

Well explained, James McAvoy!

I was watching Jack's face while he listened.

-Riveted!

-Didn't like the sound of that guy!

And ladies and gentleman, this is the film where finally,

your version of Professor X becomes bald.

-Up here I do, yeah.

-Yes.

Oh, my God. We didn't just, like, assume you lost your pubes.

I've been doing that for years.

LAUGHTER

He finally gets a Brazilian.

Did you shave your head originally, all the years back ago,

and they had to put a wig on you or something?

I shaved it months before I came to the job just to see

what it would look like, and just to kind of see.

And then I turned up with about two months growth,

thinking we'd shave it again, and they were like,

"What have you done?"

And so they spent a 17-hour...

my first of two 17-hour hair extension sessions -

getting hair extensions put in.

-Wow.

-Yeah, so in all the X-Men movies

I've either had hair extensions or a wig.

-But this time proper shavey-offy.

-Proper baldy.

Proper folically challenged. Yeah, that's me, slaphead.

It looks good. I like it.

What's the thing with Patrick Stewart,

that he was somehow involved in the shaving?

He's been involved since the very beginning.

When I went to shave my head, I was shaving it and we thought,

"Hey, while we're at it, why don't we try and FaceTime Patrick?"

And as we were shaving it, he said,

"Please bag it up and send me some hair.

"I could use it." We thought, "Ha-ha-ha, that's funny."

And then we just walked away, and the hair was on the floor and all that kind of stuff.

Turns out that the director did bag it up

and he has all my hair at home in a safe.

Which is kind of creepy, really.

-Clear witchcraft.

-Yeah, totally.

-That's... Why would he do that?!

-Well, I think...

-I don't know.

-We've asked ourselves that a LOT.

Is he stuffing a pillow with it? What's he doing?

I think he made a merkin out of it.

LAUGHTER

A salt and pepper merkin.

Lovely.

And you are back in the blue,

but apparently they've simplified the blueing of you.

Yeah, turns out they never had to do eight hours

of full-blown body paint, ever.

Oh.

So do they... Is it CGI now or something, or...?

No, I wish.

Then I'd be like, "Maybe take a little off the thigh?"

LAUGHTER

No, it's like a blue pantyhose that goes around my whole body

that I can't sit to pee in.

Can't do any form of bathroom.

Like, the guys who made it were like,

"Well, she's a girl, she doesn't go to the bathroom."

So I pee standing up out of a funnel.

-LAUGHTER

-A Shewee.

Yeah. It's called a Go Girl.

-I've actually burst into her bathroom...

-It's true.

..with a BB gun while she was trying to pee in her funnel.

He pelted me while I'm like...

It's so hard to do,

because you have to stop while you're in the middle of peeing

to let the rest of it go out - like, there's a whole scientific process.

LAUGHTER

And so I'm, like, trying really hard, and there's a lot going on,

and then he burst in and started pelting me.

And it wasn't fair cos we were shooting each other with guns,

but you were all in clothes. And I'm naked.

We were telling this story the other day, and we were saying, like,

"So there we were and she's, like, huddled on the floor

in her bathroom, naked, and me, Nick and Michael..."

And I'm like, "They're all ganging up on me, and I'm naked!"

"And we're unloading on her." Then we just went...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Trust me, you're going to want to see this X-Men.

-It's a whole different thing.

-Yeah.

Listen, we've got a clip.

Now, sadly, this is early doors in the film.

So you've still got hair and...

-But what hair.

-Beautiful hair.

-Thank you.

-And you're not blue. You're Raven.

-OK.

-So it's Raven returning...

-You sound disappointed.

-No, no, it's all good.

-All right, yeah.

This is Raven returning to the school.

It's good to see you, Raven.

-Welcome home.

-This isn't my home.

-It was once.

-No, it was your home.

I just lived here.

I barely even recognise it now.

I have plans for this place.

I mean to turn it into a real campus, university.

Not just for mutants, either - for humans too.

Living and working,

growing together.

You know, I really believed that once.

I really believed we could change them.

-We did.

-Just because there's not a war doesn't mean there's peace.

You want to teach your kids something, teach them that.

Teach them to fight. Otherwise they might as well live in this house

-for the rest of their lives.

-You still sound just like him.

You sound just like Erik.

That's why I'm here.

He's resurfaced.

The whole world will be looking for him.

You can help me find him before they do.

APPLAUSE

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

Listen, between the pair of us, that is some serious, serious hair.

LAUGHTER

That was a lot of hair.

Ugh, at least you can tell what gender you are by your voice.

I can't stand hearing my voice. I'm like, argh!

I'm also a wildly bad actor.

Am I the only one that sees it?

You're the only one. You're the only one.

Oh, no, now there's going to be tons of comments tonight. "No!"

"I'm a wildly bad actor. I've only got three Oscars!"

-"It's hard for me."

-You won an Oscar.

I got nominated and didn't win a TV Choice Award.

LAUGHTER

Stop bragging.

Nominated.

LAUGHTER

Danny Dyer won it, so...

LAUGHTER

Wow. So, you've talked about the BB gun, but you've also done...

Did you do a punching game?

-This is her game. She invented this game.

-Whoa!

What? Oh, no. We're so close. "Don't touch me!

"Get away from me!"

I just wanted to protect my drink.

She taught us this game.

-I didn't... I brought it.

-You did bring it.

We used to do it in The Hunger Games in, like, a normal way.

Because you're bored. You know, you spend minimum 12 hours on set.

So it's like, you know, you see the circle, you get punched.

And on Hunger Games it's normal. I brought it to these psychos,

and now it's truly, truly dangerous.

Did you look?

LAUGHTER

That's normal.

-That was light.

-That's terrifying.

-My God, is this what a vagina looks like?

-I'm not looking.

-Oooh!

-Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So if you catch it...

Jack, just sat there like that, like something's going to happen.

Like ET with a beard.

How do I get unloaded on?

LAUGHTER

You bat your eyelashes.

He's like the single guy at a swingers club.

Just standing there.

-It's going to happen.

-Why did you do that?!

-Did you just put your finger in my drink?

-I'm sorry!

I was trying to get my hand in there and I didn't realise your drink was there.

I'm so sorry, I just fingered your gin and tonic.

LAUGHTER

You've got no idea what darkness you just got yourself into.

But Jack Whitehall, on League Of Their Own, you also do pranks.

-But they're not punchy. You would think they'd be physical.

-No.

-But they're mostly phone-based.

-Oh, yeah. Phone-based.

-Yeah.

So we went on a tour of the US - me, Jamie Redknapp

and Freddie Flintoff from A League Of Their Own.

And the game of the tour was to steal each others' phones

and send messages.

So I got hold of Jamie Redknapp's, who's the footballer.

I got his phone, and he has a load of old footballers

that he used to play with in the '90s, when footballers were men.

So I did a group text message to Stuart Pearce, aka Psycho,

Dean Saunders and Neil "Razor" Ruddock,

and I sent them a message saying, "I've got four tickets this Friday

"to go and see Jersey Boys. Who's in?"

LAUGHTER

So that was the first one.

Then he stole my phone

and sent a message to Princess Eugenie,

eighth in line to the throne,

saying, "I've got a tiny winky."

-Which...

-Did she text back going, "I know"?

LAUGHTER

Technically, it was treason. So...

And then, I think my favourite was, I got Freddie Flintoff's phone

and I decided I would text Kevin Pietersen.

-So Kevin Pietersen is the cricketer. He's quite a confident chap.

-Yes.

So I got his phone and sent a message from Freddie

to Kevin Pietersen saying, "I never said this when we played together,

"but I respect you so much as a player and as a person."

So I sent it, no reply. Freddie was like,

"It's probably not even his number,

"and even if it is, he's going to know that's not me."

We forgot about it. Six months later,

Jamie Redknapp is doing a charity golf day with Kevin Pietersen,

and on the eighth hole, Kevin turns to him and goes,

"Can I just say,

"I got a message recently from Freddie.

"He never said any of that stuff to me as a player,

"but for him to say that, it meant a great deal."

LAUGHTER

So good.

APPLAUSE

-Guys, guys.

-Sorry, sorry.

-It's a chat show, not a whispering show.

-Sorry.

-We have our...

-We were just debating whether we should tell you

-this text message.

-So I had Nick's phone one time...

The first time I ever met her, she did this. Go on.

OK. So I had Nick's phone.

Oh, there he is.

And we were in a group message with Fassbender and McAvoy

and Josh Helman, another actor in the movie.

And I was like...

SHE GIGGLES EVILLY

And so I wrote this, like, really serious and emotional text

and was like, "Guys, this is super embarrassing."

And I knew how to kind of write like Nick.

Like, instead of "cause", C-A-U-S-E, C-O-S, "cos". You know.

And I was like, "I know this sounds silly

"and this is really embarrassing, but have you guys ever...

"Like...

"God, this is so embarrassing -

"lactated from your nipples?"

LAUGHTER

And all of them wrote back.

James was like, "Dude, that sounds really serious.

"Honestly, you should go to a doctor,

"you might have a hormone problem."

LAUGHTER

Fassbender wrote back, "I don't see what this has to do with anything."

LAUGHTER

"Dude."

If I was in the X-Men, that would be my superpower.

LAUGHTER

-Mammary.

-Mammary Man.

Now, very quickly, I've got to ask you - lots of rumours

-that you guys are now X-Men'd out.

-We're done.

-You're ex-X-Men.

-We're over.

-Are you?

-No, no.

It doesn't even matter if we say we are.

Yeah, I don't see what this has to do with anything.

LAUGHTER

No, look, if they write good stuff for us,

and like you always say,

-if schedules work out and if they pay you enough money, then...

-Yeah.

-That's first.

-Everything is possible.

And Simon is right here - are you here, Simon?

-Who writes it.

-Where is Simon?

-He writes incredible stuff.

So if he keeps writing incredible stuff,

-I'm sure we're all going to do it.

-Oh, OK.

-And I was deadly serious,

I would play someone that spews milk out of my tits.

Just make the baddie lactose intolerant and I'm in.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-I'm on board.

-But Jack,

you would be a very good superhero.

Because we've got a picture of Jack as an adorable superhero.

Look at that!

LAUGHTER

Whoa. What are you doing with your arm?

Someone wasn't paying attention.

-Why are you...

-I'm Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger.

But is that a serving bowl on your head?

I don't know.

That is the kid that would get killed first in The Hunger Games.

LAUGHTER

Now, Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen, is in a Hollywood movie.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

-Yes.

-Thank you.

It's Mother's Day and it comes out here on the June the 10th.

Is that you?

No!

That's Julia Roberts!

LAUGHTER

It's by the same people who made New Year's Day and Valentine's Day.

And like, this is big. I mean, it IS Julia Roberts.

Was that kind of intimidating?

Because you are in scenes with Julia Roberts.

Yeah, I think it's quite intimidating.

I think when she got over the fact I was the guy from Bad Education,

-she settled into it.

-LAUGHTER

But, no, it was amazing. Yeah.

Nearly all of my scenes were with Julia Roberts.

-That's nuts, isn't it?

-I know, it was quite weird.

No, it was very exciting to do.

I was brought back down to earth very quickly,

because I did this film, I flew out to America

I filmed all these scenes with Julia Roberts.

And then I flew back to England - my first job,

literally driven from the airport to a studio

to record a voice-over for Asda.

LAUGHTER

I want to know, I genuinely do,

who do you play in this film, Jack?

I play, get ready for it,

an English stand-up comedian.

Hey!

Working in America.

It's a role I took quite a long run up at.

-About ten years.

-You went deep.

I went really deep. I play a father, which is not...

-A huge stretch.

-Yeah, no,

absolutely no children whatsoever in the old real life,

but in this, there was a baby.

Well, actually, should we stop and have a look at a clip?

-This is a clip...

-Let's see me doing some acting.

Yeah, this is you doing some acting.

It's you as a stand-up preparing to go on stage.

It's the kind of acting that nearly got me a TV Choice award.

LAUGHTER

The competition is worth 5,000.

Zack Zim, you're in the finals.

By default. Good for you.

Oh!

That is the most adorable baby I've ever seen.

-Would you be able to watch her while I do my set?

-No.

Welcome to the stage, Zack Zim.

Zack Zim. He's very... Oh, that's you.

All right, go on out there, kid. Come on, I'm rooting for you. I'll be out front.

This wasn't planned.

Coming out here with her wasn't planned.

Not SHE wasn't planned, I mean.

Although to be fair, you were a little bit of a surprise.

Didn't like that joke.

Aww!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Presumably you had to spend a lot of time with that baby?

Yes, I went to visit the lady

who owned the baby.

LAUGHTER

And I had to learn how to change its nappy for a scene.

So I had to do that for an entire day, changing these nappies.

-You did an entire day of changing nappies?

-Yeah.

Oh, it's so hard, and they're wriggling around,

and he's kicking shit in your eye, and...

So I did it all and then went to see the film,

-and they've cut the scene where I change the nappy.

-Aw!

My dad's quite old, so I might have to use it quite soon.

LAUGHTER

Now, you as a little boy, Jack, it does seem you were slightly...

-Did you have any...

-Friends?

-..normal clothes?

You just seemed to dress up all the time.

Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God.

-Your producer asked me for one photograph

of me as a Power Ranger, and I gave her my mother's e-mail address.

-And clearly my mother has...

-That was a huge mistake.

That's just free rein to give you every photograph that has ever been taken of me.

Wait till you see what's coming up!

-But you were slightly obsessed by Robin Hood?

-I loved Robin Hood.

"This is a video of your circumcision."

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

You're British, we know you're not circumcised.

Robin's hood is very much on.

LAUGHTER

Now, Jack, you have an announcement to make.

It's not that you're pregnant, I believe.

-But you have an announcement.

-Yes, I have a tour.

I'm going on tour next year. Doing some stand-up...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS

-Thank you, one lady is coming.

Fantastic.

-But it's mad that this tour is 2017.

-2017, yeah.

-Wow.

So I got the dates, cos I always forget them

when I come on this show.

February 2017.

I start in Glasgow on the 2nd of February.

Then Liverpool, Wembley...

-I could just hold them up.

-Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER There you go. That's perfect.

And, boom.

APPLAUSE

He's all over it.

-Tickets on sale...

-Yeah, you can't actually book now.

You can book on the 20th of May.

-Yeah, so that's...

-2016.

-Don't, I want it!

-Sorry, yes, you have it. There.

-I'm coming.

You're coming with her.

Now, presumably this tour will be... It's a British tour.

-You're not going abroad.

-It's a British tour, yeah.

Because you're not keen on anywhere where there's a language barrier.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

This story. I knew you'd want this...

Yes. Well, no, I'm not great with the old language barrier.

I was in Spain and I was in a restaurant,

and I needed to use the facilities in this restaurant.

So I popped off, and I don't want to go into too much detail,

but I needed to drop the kids off at the pool.

LAUGHTER

So I did that.

I went to flush - didn't work. Flushed again.

Six, seven times I tried to get it down, James - would not go.

So I was like, I'm going to do the right thing.

I'm not just going to do a hit and run and leave it here.

I'll go and tell someone that that there's a problem with their facilities.

So I went out into the restaurant, I found the waiter. Unfortunately

he didn't speak a word of English, I don't speak any Spanish.

So I ended up...

Ended up having to kind of gesture to this man.

Going, "Yes, could you just come here?

"No, no, no, leave them alone, just follow me."

I ushered him into the toilet.

I pointed at my poo.

I went to flush.

It went down straightaway.

LAUGHTER

How weird did I look?!

APPLAUSE

Like I just invited him into the toilet

to say goodbye to my shit.

"Come on, let's give it a proper send-off." Flush!

# Rule Britannia!

Do you have a tissue?

-Could we fly in a tissue for this young woman?

-Oh, yeah. Can we...

A tissue? A tissue?

Where's the bodyguard? Beginning to lactate. We need some...

-Oh, look! Oh, my God, I'm so organised!

-Aw!

Wow.

-Sorry.

-Is it weird you have a box of tissues right beside your computer?

I think it's very odd.

Welcome to my home!

LAUGHTER

Right, it is time for our next guest.

This man has given us some of the most memorable movie characters

of the last 25 years. Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka

and of course, Captain Jack Sparrow.

Now he returns as the Mad Hatter in Alice Through The Looking Glass.

Please welcome Johnny Depp!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely. Lovely to see you.

Have a seat.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Johnny Depp!

It's exciting.

Have a seat, too, have a seat.

Lovely to see you. How are you, sir?

-I'm all right.

-Good, good, you're very welcome.

Do you know all these people or is this a meeting?

-This is a meeting.

-Oh, lovely.

Who is this?

LAUGHTER

I want you to know that I can't not see you

on the toilet now.

LAUGHTER

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-I like the cut of your jib.

LAUGHTER

-Thank you, Johnny.

-Have you got a slight erection right now?

I'm just glad Johnny wasn't out for the awkward customs chat at the beginning!

Oh, yes. LAUGHTER

-Awkward customs?

-Customs stories.

No, no, listen,

my gerbils are clean.

LAUGHTER

Now, there's been stuff in the papers, I don't know if it's true -

are you moving here, Johnny?

-Is this the move to Manchester?

-Yes.

It's possible, I guess.

-OK.

-I mean...

-Have you gone to see a house in Manchester?

No, I haven't.

No, I've actually never been to Manchester.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, I've always wanted to go.

-But, yeah, no, I've never been.

-OK.

-But I'll take a house there. I mean, why not?

-Do it!

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Apparently I already live in Bath as well.

-Oh, really?

Yeah, I was seen buying spatulas and stuff.

LAUGHTER

That's a very good celebrity sighting.

Johnny Depp buying a spatula in Bath.

It might be my favourite of my own, yeah.

Now, you're in town because the new movie,

Alice Through The Looking Glass, it's coming out on the 27th of May.

I knew the first movie was a success.

I didn't realise how big - it took over 1 billion.

-It's one of the most successful films of all time.

-Is that right?

-Yeah!

-What?!

-More than an X-Men?

-More than anything.

-More than Bad Education?

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

Yes.

Alice Through The Looking Glass - you return as the Mad Hatter,

and in this one Alice is travelling through time.

-Yes.

-OK.

And everyone's back - Matt Lucas is back, Helena Bonham Carter,

-but Sacha Baron Cohen is in this one.

-No, he's not back.

No, he's not back, but he's in it. He's in it.

Oh, yeah, of course he's in it.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, Sacha's...

He plays Time.

He plays Father Time, basically.

And it was...

We've known each other for a good long while,

and I've always admired him, you know.

Back since Ali G. And so...

-SCATTERED LAUGHTER

-Why is that funny?

LAUGHTER

We've got a clip. This is you as the young Mad Hatter, meeting -

because of the travelling through time business,

-you're meeting Alice for the first time.

-OK, good.

-OK.

Hatter?

Hatter?

Oh!

It's you!

You're you again!

Well, if I'm not, I wish I was.

-Have we met?

-Yes!

Well, no - I mean, not yet.

It's funny, I feel I should know you.

Well, we have met once, when I was younger.

-Oh, well, I must say I don't recall.

-That's because it hasn't happened yet.

Ooh. When will it happen?

Years from now, when you're older.

I'll meet you when you're younger and I'm older?

I realise it doesn't make much sense.

Makes perfect sense to me.

-I'm Tarrant.

-I know. I'm Alice.

Alice.

We seem to have time all mixed up.

APPLAUSE

Now, we know you do this thing as an actor,

you love transforming, you like being consumed by characters.

-Like me.

-Very like you.

-As an English stand-up comedian.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-We're going to hide together.

In costumes.

But your latest one is phenomenal.

This - this is a picture of Johnny Depp

-as Donald Trump.

-What?!

-Oh!

-Isn't it amazing?

-Wow. What was that for, Johnny?

-Oh, my God.

That was just for me.

LAUGHTER

You wanted to know what it felt like to be that awesome?

I never thought I wanted to kill Johnny Depp before.

LAUGHTER

I can only say that you should.

LAUGHTER

How did it come up? Did you already do a Donald Trump impression?

No, no, no.

And I had no idea if I could not, and I still don't. But I...

I mean, Adam McKay, who I admire greatly

and who's one of the funniest humans alive -

we had a meeting, and we were sitting there talking, and he said,

"How would you like to do a feature film in four days?"

And I went, "I like that idea."

And then he said, "How would you like to play Donald Trump?"

And I loved that idea.

LAUGHTER

I didn't care if I knew I was capable or not, you know.

I wanted to try.

Yeah, so I did my bit as Donald Trump.

You don't want to be Donald Trump.

LAUGHTER

Because he's... The way he speaks is very specific.

Yeah.

Were you telling all the Mexicans to get off set?

LAUGHTER

-IMITATING TRUMP:

-I told them to build - me - that - wall.

I want a sensational wall.

LAUGHTER

I want a fabulous wall.

I don't remember what the question was,

but it doesn't matter cos I'm not going to answer it anyway.

-Oh, my God.

-Very good.

-It's amazing.

-Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you met the Trump at all at things, Jennifer?

-I haven't, no.

-The Donald.

-I was at a concert

that I heard he was attending.

So I had my full security -

I was like, "Find Donald Trump," cos I was just...

I was adamant on finding him and then making a video

of me going, "Hey, Trump,

"fuck you."

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't rest. I wouldn't rest until I found him.

I think he knew I was looking for him.

Now, one of the things about being Johnny Depp

is people must want to come up and say hi,

they want selfies and things.

Do you have any sort of sympathy for those people?

Cos how young were you when you met Iggy Pop?

-Your band was supporting him, is that how it happened?

-Yeah.

I was, um... 17 years old.

We were on tour.

We sort of did a lot of opening act stuff, you know, around.

And we had two shows with Iggy Pop in Gainesville.

I mean, Iggy was one of my heroes, you know.

So I'm 17 years old. We do the gigs with Iggy.

It's the second night.

I know he's splitting. I'll never see him again.

I want to meet him, but I don't want to go...

-MUMBLING AWKWARDLY:

-"I'm a really big fan of your music."

I don't know, it just... I needed something different.

So I got, you know,

incoherently drunk.

LAUGHTER

Pints of, like, vodka,

just to work up the nerve to say something idiotic.

Which you shouldn't have to do.

So, yeah, uh, he was walking around with a beagle -

I don't know why -

after the show. You know, the lights are on.

He doesn't know why either.

So I thought, I'll get him.

And I just started screaming...

-DRUNKENLY:

-"Iggy Flop!

"Piggy slop!"

LAUGHTER

And a few other, God knows what - you know,

I'm not sure what more rhymes with that.

He walked over to me

with this beagle on a leash.

And he got, like, that close to my face.

And I'm looking at Iggy Pop's blue eyes.

And he takes so much time and he just says...

"You little turd."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

To this day, it's one of the best moments of my life.

We must also say, Pirates Of The Caribbean -

you've finished Pirates Of The Caribbean, it's on the way now?

Erm... Well, yeah.

I mean, it doesn't come out until like May of 2017 or something.

Do you know who's going to be really excited to see that?

-Good God, who?

-Young captain Jack at the end there.

Why?

-Oh, for God's sake!

-LAUGHTER

Why has she given you every photo?!

Oh, my God.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, my God.

Did you own any regular clothes as a child?

That's my granny and grandad as well.

I made my granny and grandad come as sailors

and my grandad looks like he's in a Jean Paul Gaultier advert!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Oh, dear.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

OK, it's time for music.

This multi-Grammy-winning singer found fame

as one of the Black Eyed Peas

and has now gone on to huge solo success.

Performing his new single, Boys and Girls, featuring Pia Mia,

please welcome will.i.am.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# All I wanna do

# Oh, oh

# Oh, oh

# All I wanna do

# Oh, oh

# Oh, oh

# We get messed up way before the party

# Turnt up, hotel lobby

# Fast life like a Ducati

# Spending money like I'm from Saudi

# Bagging honeys with the bad bodies

# See me cooling with the black barbies

# I got brain cause she a smarty

# And now I'm feeling like la-di-da-di

# Hey!

# Wait a second, wait a minute I don't think you're ready for it

# Hey!

# Party like a pro, baby I don't gotta train for it

# Oooh

# Drinking all the liquor And I ain't even paying for it

# Whoa

# Any second, any minute We about to sing the chorus

# The girls wanna play with boys And the boys wanna play with girls

# And the girls wanna play with girls

# Boys wanna play with boys

# So, boy, don't you love this world?

# The girls wanna play with boys And the boys wanna play with girls

# And the girls wanna play with girls

# Boys wanna play with boys

# So, boy, don't you love this world?

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh,

# Oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh, oh-oh oh

# Oh-oh, oh

# Hey!

# Baby, we don't stop and we don't quit

# In the club like we own it

# Too, too legit

# Up in this and we so lit

# Oh, my God, oh, my goodness

# Feel good cos I'm sipping on goodness

# Two drinks, got two fists

# Three chicks, got two, four, six tits

# Hey!

# Wait a second, wait a minute Take you to the next level

# Hey!

# Turn up the bass Turn up the tre-treble

# Oooh

# Party like an animal Party like a re-rebel

# Whoa

# Any second, any minute We about to get in trouble

# The girls wanna play with boys And the boys wanna play with girls

# And the girls wanna play with girls

# Boys wanna play with boys

# So, boy, don't you love this world?

# The girls wanna play with boys And the boys wanna play with girls

# And the girls wanna play with girls

# Boys wanna play with boys

# So, boy, don't you love this world?

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh

# All I wanna do

# Turn up, that's all I wanna do

# I stay so fly, I flew

-# Yeah, baby, no lie, that's true

-Oh, oh

# Yeah, baby, we're cool like, whoo

# Me and Pia, we cool like, whoo

# Yeah

# The girls wanna play with boys And the boys wanna play with girls

# And the girls wanna play with girls

# Boys wanna play with boys

# So, boy, don't you love this world?

# The girls wanna play with boys And the boys wanna play with girls

# And the girls wanna play with girls

# And the girls wanna play with girls

# Come on

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh

-# Oh, oh

-Hey! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Will.i.am, everybody!

Come over and chat.

Our thanks to Pia Mia as well.

Well done, sir. Lovely to see you.

Come and sit down, meet everybody.

Jack, James, Jennifer, Johnny.

-Good to see you, buddy. You all right?

-Yeah, good.

-Nice to see you.

-Where do I sit?

-Where do you want me? Here?

-At the end there.

-Right here!

-Everyone shove up. You're in there.

-Not the chair over there?

There you go.

Now, that's the new single - it's out now, presumably?

Yeah, it's out right now. iTunes.

And Pia Mia - now, who's Pia Mia?

-Pia Mia is this awesome artist from this place called Guam.

-OK.

Yeah, so for those that don't know, Guam, it's in Southeast Asia.

Not Philippines,

not, you know, Bangkok - it's Guam.

She's awesome.

Now, I have read, Will, that you have this amazing amount of music

that you haven't released, but tracks with extraordinary artists

like Michael Jackson and Prince and people like that.

Will you ever release those tracks?

No, because you know, especially artists like Michael Jackson,

where working with Michael Jackson is his critique and his two cents,

so you know, without him guiding on completing it,

it's not my right to do that.

He was a friend. So I wouldn't do that.

What was the story that you brought Michael Jackson and... Yes.

APPLAUSE

You brought Michael Jackson and Prince together.

Yeah, so one time we had a show in Vegas,

and Michael Jackson called.

-IMITATING MICHAEL JACKSON:

-"Hey, Will, it's Michael."

"Hey, Mike." "Yeah, so, I heard you guys are doing a show tonight."

"Yeah, we go on at nine o'clock."

"Oh, rats, I got to put the kids to sleep."

So I was like, "Well, I'm performing with Prince later on, at 12."

So anyway, Michael came to see me rock with Prince.

And it was a magnificent night to see -

it was me, Chris Tucker, and then watching...

Me, Chris Tucker, Michael Jackson watching Prince rock on stage.

So to make a long story short, Prince steps off the stage

and plays the bass in Michael Jackson's face,

rips the freaking bass, ten different pieces.

To make a longer story shorter,

Michael Jackson leaves and goes home and says,

"Meet me at the house for breakfast."

So I go to his house for breakfast, knock on the door.

First words he says - "Why was Prince playing the bass in my face?"

LAUGHTER

What was your answer to that, though? "Cos he's funky?"

I was like, "No, Prince was just being nice, you know."

"No, Prince, he's always been a meanie."

LAUGHTER

But bless their hearts. They were so passionate.

And you know, we've lost great musicians.

Yes, we have that.

APPLAUSE

And very quickly...

The Voice, obviously going to ITV.

Are you going to ITV?

I've been thinking about it.

I've been thinking about it, cos I really love the UK so much.

-Yeah.

-I practically live here, except my passport doesn't say that.

But...

-JACK:

-Say you're here for a wedding.

If Trump's for real, then I'm British all the way.

-So many Americans have said that to me.

-Yeah, yeah.

Trump is here.

LAUGHTER

Don't point at me!

-IMITATING DONALD TRUMP:

-You have a wonderful,

a sensational approach to your life and your music.

I would like YOU to build a wall.

LAUGHTER

OK, before we go, just time for a visit to the big red chair.

Who's there? Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, who are you?

-Catherine.

-Catherine lovely.

-And where are you from?

-Te Puke.

-What?

-What?

-Where's that?

-It's in New Zealand.

-Oh, of course it is.

-It's the kiwi fruit capital of the world.

-It's the what?

-The kiwi fruit capital of the world.

-Oh, Jesus.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who's next on the red chair?

-Nicole.

-Hello, Nicole.

-Hello!

-Where are you from, Nicole?

-Sydney.

-Sydney? Are you here on holidays?

-No, I live here.

-Really live here?

-Yeah.

-With a visa and everything?

-Yeah.

-Well done, you. What do you do?

-Teacher.

-Oh. Small children?

-Big ones.

-What do you teach them?

-PE.

OK, off you go with your story.

OK. So I was at a music festival,

and I met this boy and I kissed this boy.

But both of our phones had died.

So I had my pen, I wrote my phone number and my name on his back.

The next morning I woke up with a text message saying,

"Hey, found your phone number on my boyfriend's back.

"Just wondering what happened."

ALL: Oooooh!

Good story! You can walk.

That's a great story.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in the red chair,

you can visit us on our website at this address.

-That's it for tonight.

-Please say a huge thank you to my guests -

will.i.am,

Jack Whitehall,

James McAvoy,

Jennifer Lawrence,

and Mr Johnny Depp!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with music from Bright Light Bright Light

featuring Sir Elton John,

Oscar-winner Russell Crowe, Hollywood heart-throb Ryan Gosling,

and for the first time ever, the brilliant Jodie Foster.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE