Episode 9 The Graham Norton Show

Hello, I'm Jodie Foster and I'm so pleased

to be on the Graham Norton Show tonight.

And I just hope that they don't do some lame Silence Of The Lambs bit.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, let's start the show!

This programme contains some strong language.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

This is it, ladies and gentlemen!

This is it!

Welcome, all. It's Friday night!

Oh!

Oh, what a week. I've just got back from Eurovision.

Yay!

Looks like next year I get to go to Ukraine!

Yay...

LAUGHTER

Russia didn't win.

No! I think Vladimir Putin was OK with that.

Here he is chatting to the judges afterwards.

LAUGHTER

Now, we have a packed show for you tonight.

Really, really packed.

Not just Jodie Foster, a host of stars of film, comedy and music.

And joining us later is Olympic diving star Tom Daley.

-Woo!

-Yes! He's here, as well.

Tom's preparing for the Rio Olympics.

Not long now until the Olympics -

the two weeks every four years where we all pretend to like cycling.

Yeah.

Lot of fears that the water used for the Olympic events will be polluted.

But just to reassure Tom,

the Olympic pool has already been tested.

Perfect! Let's get some guests on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later, we'll have music from Bright Light Bright Light

featuring Sir Elton John.

But first, he's a giant of UK comedy who's made us laugh

since his breakout role as Mr Gilbert in The Inbetweeners.

Now returning in the hit series Man Down,

it's the hilarious Greg Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, how are you? Lovely to see you.

-How are you doing?

Lovely to see you. Have a seat.

-What am I doing here?

-I know!

This Hollywood star has been breaking hearts in hit films

from The Notebook to Drive and Crazy Stupid Love.

Now he's getting rave reviews

in the new '70s crime comedy The Nice Guys,

it's Ryan Gosling.

SCREECHING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely to meet you. Come in, sit down.

Ryan Gosling, everyone!

Starring with Ryan in The Nice Guys,

this Hollywood Oscar-winner has wowed us in blockbusters

like Les Mis, A Beautiful Mind, Robin Hood and Gladiator.

Welcome back the great Russell Crowe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. Really nice to see you. Thank you so much for coming back.

Russell Crowe!

And this double Oscar-winning actress

has been in the movie business for over 50 years

and starred in films like Taxi Driver,

The Accused and Silence of the Lambs.

Now she's directed George Clooney and Julia Roberts in Money Monster.

Please welcome, for the first time to the show,

Jodie Foster, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you so much.

Come in. Sit down, everybody. Sit down!

Oh!

Welcome, all. Welcome, all.

Ryan, you've never been here before.

-Jodie's never been here before.

-That's right.

Russell, have you been poisoning their minds about the show?

No, I thought I'd leave the virgins to you, Graham!

-Thank you, Russell.

-No problem.

What I liked, Graham, is when Ryan sat down, he undid his button.

I can't actually do mine up!

-You may do by the end of the show.

-That's true.

I am starting to sweat, Jodie. You're right.

Now, Ryan and Russell, you've been...

Is this the end of your publicity tour?

Thank God. Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-We've got a couple of cities to go.

Oh, you still? OK.

I've been having a great time on this press tour. Yeah.

Because Ryan attracts a lot of young women.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

But he's in a committed relationship so, you know...

LAUGHTER

If they need a shoulder to cry on, they need a father figure.

I'm just glad Jodie's here, honestly,

cos we need a little feminine energy up in this situation.

It's been my job to provide that and I don't...

You know, I've been doing my best, but the well only goes so deep.

We've been through therapy, it's been a long run.

But we're doing all right now, aren't we, pal?

Can I touch you? Sorry.

Russell doesn't like direct eye contact.

He takes it as a sign of aggression.

LAUGHTER

Jodie and Russell, you haven't worked together,

but you nearly worked together?

No, I asked Jodie to be my date at the Golden Globes.

I'd never been to the Golden Globes before

and I wanted... You know, I was talking to her

and it came up and I said, "Do you want to be my date?"

And she very kindly said yes.

So I arrived in Los Angeles to my hotel

and I go into the hotel room and it was a fancy penthouse.

I was kind of like, "Whoa! Things have changed!"

I walk in, I go into the bathroom and it had a big, round spa tub

and the entire tub was full of Fosters beer cans and...

It was like 120 cans or something to fill up the tub

and I just thought that was the sweetest present.

That's a good gift!

I didn't want him to forget me!

Greg, you mustn't be left out

because we go to glamorous things, too.

-Don't we?

-Only recently we were at a BBC party.

-We shared that glass of wine. It was fun.

-Yeah. Between us!

And we met that lovely lady.

Oh...

I'm surprised you're bringing that lady up.

Are we allowed to bring that lady up?

-Well, you tell me. It's your show.

-It happened to you, not me.

So, you tell them.

W-w-what bit of it...?

OK, so this lady came up to us.

We were at a BBC party, she came up to the two... We were chatting.

Sharing our wine with straws and she went,

"I do disability at the BBC,"

whatever that means.

And then she looked at him and what did she say to you?

She said that I qualify.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was the height thing. Not the...

-What a charmer.

-Do you know what, Graham?

Since we had that meeting when the lady told me that I was technically,

as far as the BBC is concerned, disabled,

I've had a member of a council, I won't name where,

tell me I could get a parking badge.

LAUGHTER

The rest of the couch is so jealous right now.

"Parking badge?"

Up top.

Thanks for that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I won't forget the day that Ryan Gosling high-fived me

because I'm officially disabled.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear. Now, it's great to have you here.

It's great to have you back in our lives, Jodie.

And you're back directing a big crowd-pleasing thriller,

Money Monster. It open next Friday, May 27th.

It's a film essentially about the modern financial world

and how it affects people.

Yes, the backdrop is the financial world

and also the world of high-speed technology that we live in

and also the world of broadcast

live television.

It's about a young man who has lost everything,

was given a tip by this broadcasting guy, by this presenter.

And he loses all of his money in one day, in nine minutes,

and he comes on the show and has a bomb and a gun and says,

"Tell me where my money went."

And what an... Like, it is amazing. Julia Roberts and George Clooney.

-I mean, there's no messing.

-Yeah, amazing, the two of them.

They have a real history, a real interesting dynamic together.

A little bit of magic.

And he... They're mostly virtually on-screen together

because she speaks in his earpiece

and he looks down the barrel of the camera to see her in the monitor.

And, strangely, they feel closer than they ever have in a movie.

Listen, we've got a clip from Money Monster.

This is... I was saying, this is such a good clip.

-It's Julia Roberts' character, she's the producer.

-Yes.

Warning George Clooney that the plot to end the siege

is getting quite serious.

Benson, let me know when the control room is ready.

This is Eagle 1. Target is in position.

Where did everybody go?

Where did they go?

Dammit!

I knew that this would happen!

-Do you have a clean shot?

-I don't.

Lee, look at me.

Don't look up, look at me.

There is a sniper on the catwalk, at your one o'clock.

Where did they go?

There is a receiver on your vest.

If he shoots it out, it disables the trigger.

-Get out of there right now!

-Come on.

-Got a shot?

-Are you green or red?

-Green.

Take the shot!

GUNSHOT

That's good.

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

Are you OK?

That is a good clip, right?

You want to see that film, that is great.

Maybe they'd show a clip of ours after that.

No, yours is a good clip, too.

You'll be pleased. You'll be pleased.

-Two good films.

-How's my clip?

-Actually, yours is good too!

-Yeah?

-Yes! Three good clips.

-Thanks.

And I did the stunts in mine, boys, so...

Now, in this movie, you're directing people like Julia Roberts

and, you know, George Clooney,

-who's been Oscar-nominated as a director himself.

-Yes.

-Do you...?

Can you direct those people or do you just go, "That was excellent, well done?"

No, I don't think there is anybody better to work with

than an actor who has directed before.

They know where the excisions are, they know what the problems are going to be,

they want to work with the camera, they love the camera. And, um...

They are excited to do it less times.

I think the nice thing about actors that are experienced is they

want to get it right so they can do it as few times as possible.

Cos your first scene with George Clooney was sort of...

I mean, did you know him well when you were directing the first scene?

I didn't know him at all, no, and it was his first day of shooting and...

He had a good attitude about it.

His first scene, we're above him and he's just sitting on a toilet. Yeah.

With his pants down, his underwear and his ankles.

And, uh... He was into it. I don't really know why, but he was.

LAUGHTER

-But do you direct...?

-You know George.

I'm sure you have some wisdom about why he would like that. I have no idea.

RYAN CLEARS THROAT

But Ryan, you have worked with him and wasn't there a thing where

he would come up and give you notes, like, really serious notes?

Yeah, and then he would just throw water on my crotch.

I mean, I think it was a practical joke, although it might have just been an accident.

-I'm going to take it as a practical joke.

-Did he do it every day?

-What's that?

-Did he throw water on your crotch everyday?

I'm going to take a pass on that one.

LAUGHTER

Talking of pranking, Russell Crowe,

what was the thing with Michael Jackson?

-This is such an odd story.

-What?

Oh, he just got into the habit of wherever I was staying,

he'd just call the hotel and ask for my room and put on funny voices.

And... I'd actually... Yeah, I know.

And... I didn't...I'd never met him, you know?

LAUGHTER

And the thing is, the first couple of people that I said it to,

I was like...I didn't want to sound like I was insane, right? But...

"Michael, you know, prank-called me today."

But when I started talking to people who knew him well, they go, "Man, he does it all the time."

But it was like, yeah... I used to do that when I was, like, 11 and 12.

I used to pretend I was a radio announcer and, like,

give people prizes on the phone.

Trips to Fiji and all that sort of stuff. They would get so excited. You know?

And then I would just hang up and go,

"Well, that was a good job well done. I've made that person's day."

-But, yeah...

-Who did Michael Jackson pretend to be?

He would...always start off being, kind of, gruff like he was the hotel management

and there was some kind of problem, you know?

I have to say that's less surprising than saying you're Michael Jackson.

Then if I got kind of irritated, he'd go, "Oh...

-IMPERSONATION:

-Don't worry, Russ, it's only Michael.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's bizarre!

And did you ever meet him?

Never.

-No, he...

-Are we sure it was Michael Jackson?

-A double prank.

-Are you sure it wasn't George Clooney?

-Cos that's the kind of thing he does.

-Is it?

-It could have been George.

-No, it was Michael.

Every time I hear... I get this flashback every time I hear Russell speak.

I once almost drowned, Graham.

And I was swimming and I got swept out to sea in Cornwall.

And I realised I was struggling.

There was a surfer and I called over to the surfer,

"I'm really struggling here, mate."

-And the surfer went...

-BABBLES

And I realised he was drowning too.

So, in the end, I was on, like, a boogie board.

In the end I had to ride a wave to a cliff.

And cling onto the cliff and it was really jagged

and I really cut my hands.

And I sort of climbed off the cliff and I thought, "Oh, my God."

And the waves were... It was awful.

And then I saw this lifeguard coming out on, like, a canoe.

He was really powerful and he turned out to be Australian.

And I thought, "Oh, thank God!"

There was literally blood, and I thought, "Thank God, I'm saved. I'm saved."

And he came right up to me and turned round and he went,

"Oi, mate. Stop fucking around."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Was it... Was it him?

Was it Russell Crowe?

It could have been him.

-That's something he would say.

-Well...

It's definitely something I would say.

LAUGHTER

Now, The Nice Guys, The Nice Guys.

A really funny, really funny kind of crime comedy set in the '70s.

It opens here on 3rd June, so, Russell, Ryan, tell us

who are you in it? What happens?

You're so good at this.

-At what? Making you answer the questions?

-Yeah.

It's hard following that.

Money Monster.

But, you know, our film is, you know, it's...

It's a detective film in the '70s.

-It's, um, got... We've got a lot going on.

-Yeah.

We've got mermaids, we've got talking bees.

You know, you don't got that.

Richard Nixon makes a cameo.

-I thought you said I was going to tell the story.

-Sorry.

-LAUGHTER

Come on, now. You were Best Couple.

-You were very clear about me telling the story and then...

-You're Best Couple.

I've learnt a lot from Russell.

You know, he's taught me to ignore all my instincts, which is good.

LAUGHTER

Look, it's Shane Black, so, you know, I grew up on Shane's movies,

The Monster Squad being the first movie I probably ever quoted.

And then, you know, Joel Silver produced it

and so it's all of these, you know, all the Lethal Weapons

and, uh...Xanadu too. So...

-Legend.

-And in these...

In a buddy movie, like...

Were you friends before this film?

We'd... We met.

We had a conversation.

I was in this, sort of...

You know, I've seen a few of his movies in a row and I thought...

I thought he was something special, so I called him up about a project, you know?

And...

I kind of said, "Look, you know, can we maybe meet and have some dinner?

"Me and the wife, you and your girl and, you know,

"just an intimate, little thing." And he said, "Yeah, cool."

We set a time and a date, so I told the ex-wife, you know,

that's what we're going to do.

On this date, you know. She didn't really say that much, you know.

When it came round to the day, I said, "I'll remind you, eight o'clock tonight,

"we're having dinner with Ryan and Eva", you know?

And she goes, "Yeah, yeah, cos I've invited this, this,"

and she started listed all her girlfriends that she'd invited.

"No, no..." And her mum.

"No, this is supposed to be this small, little, intimate thing.

She goes, "Oh, he won't mind."

It's like, "You've got like a dozen girlfriends and your mother coming. He's going to notice!"

So, I started trying to even the table up,

and I'm getting on the phone and calling all these blokes, so,

by the time he arrives for an intimate dinner for four, there's 30 people there.

I couldn't tell him. I couldn't just, you know,

because you've got to be, you know, be loyal to your spouse, you know?

Now that I'm separated, I can just tell the story.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, so, that was a bit of a strange first meeting.

Listen, we've got a clip from The Nice Guys.

It's good, it's a good clip. It is a good bit.

This is Russell's character essentially trying to build bridges with Ryan's character.

March. Jack Healy. Don't get upset. I'm not here to hurt you.

I just want to ask you a question.

Hey. No.

How stupid do you think I am?

Ever since your little visit the other day,

this little baby's going to stay right here.

Look away.

You know there's a mirror here, right?

Close your eyes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It's funny.

-Yeah.

-So, given you've had the experience, who looks better on the toilet, George or...?

-I don't know. That's a good question.

-We're going to have to...

People will have to go and see both films and decide. Yeah.

GRAHAM LAUGHS

When you were making this...this movie, where did the dog...?

-The dog isn't in the film?

-What dog?

-You had a dog, didn't you?

Oh, no, I found a dog on the...

-On the film.

-OK.

Would you like me to tell that story?

-Yeah.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

I can give it a go if you want.

LAUGHTER

Big, old dog it was, guys.

Big, old dog.

Three legs, stank.

-Right?

-Yeah, that's about right.

No, the...

So, I was staying at this sort of go-to movie guy house

in Atlanta where, you know,

when they showed me the house, they were like,

"You know, Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus just stayed here, so..."

And they gave me one of these, you know? Thought that was untoward.

But it was...they were very precious about the house.

What I didn't realise was that there was a strict no dogs policy

and then I was going to work one morning and there's a little dog.

It's minus... It's below zero and I thought, "Oh, what harm can it do?"

And I let it in the house.

When I came back from work, it was like a faecal Jackson Pollock.

LAUGHTER

It was just... It was everywhere.

-It was like, "Did he have help?"

-LAUGHTER

I was, like, looking up, like, "Did he get a ladder?"

How does he...? How is he still alive?

And...

So, then I had to clean it all up and then I had to hide the dog

and I spent, like, two weeks hiding this dog.

And, you know, when it was over, the last day,

I didn't know what I was going to do with it. Actually, your driver Bo...

-Mm-hmm?

-..said that his, erm...

His father had just lost his dog of 16 years

and so Bo took this little dog and he went and lived on a lake

with 100 acres and he went to, you know, literally a dog...

-EVERYONE: Aw!

-That's a nice story.

-That's a lovely story.

-Yeah, it is.

APPLAUSE

Did he kill it? Did he kill him?

That's euphemistic for "killed it?"

-That's what they told him.

-Living on 100 acres now with Bo's dad!

So dead, that dog. LAUGHTER

He died after the shit incident, didn't he?

LAUGHTER

End of dog story.

I think, on a movie like this,

you're spending all this time together,

you have to get on, you are buddies, but on Silence Of The Lambs,

is it true... Did you never speak to Anthony Hopkins?

No, never spoke to him. He was scary.

I mean, the first day, we had a reading,

we had like a little read-through and we...

I got there early and then I went to the bathroom, I came back,

everybody was sitting down, we did the read-through of the film

and by the end of it, I never wanted to talk to him again.

I was petrified.

And so then we did the whole movie, he was always behind those glass

partitions, or he was in his cell, and because the scenes were

so long, they'd kind of lock him in at the beginning of the day

and he'd go there and then the next day, he'd be on the other side

and I'd be on this side, and we got to the end of the movie

and really had never had a conversation.

-But you never passed backstage, in a corridor...?

-No, I avoided him.

As much as I could.

I really avoided him and then, I was eating a tuna fish sandwich,

it was the last day and he came up to me,

I guess he sidled up to me and I said, I don't know, I sort of had

a tear in my eye, I was like, "I was really scared of you."

And he said, "I was scared of you!"

Which I think is funny because why would anyone be scared of me?

-So, when you were filming the...

-GREG SLURPS RAPIDLY

The scene... You know, I'm available.

Could you do that again?

When you were filming the scenes when he was behind the partition,

when they reset cameras, you just sat there?

Well, yeah, because he was screwed in.

-I couldn't get to him, he was behind the glass.

-Did he stare at you?

Erm...sometimes he did.

I don't have an Anthony Hopkins story, but I would like to

take the opportunity,

I taught a child called Gary Hopkins, who was...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I'd very much like to take the opportunity to say he was a prick.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

Russell Crowe, I've heard about how you like challenges and stuff,

and one of the shows that Greg's doing is a new series of Taskmaster.

It's on Dave and it is that sort of thing,

-you set challenges for kind of celebrities and comedians.

-Yeah.

But they're quite... They're kind of bonkers, the challenges.

They're ridiculous, yeah.

They have to collect as many tears in an eggcup as they can

in a minute.

They had to buy me the best present they could and one of them

had my name tattooed on his foot.

-Josh Widdicombe. You know Josh Widdicombe?

-You're kidding!

-Yeah.

Who can hide a pineapple on their person.

And I think my favourite from the upcoming series is who can

impress a mayor. They were just put in a room with a local mayor...

-..and told to impress him.

-A MAYOR or a MARE?

-A mayor, yeah.

-A mayor. Not a horse.

-Not a horse.

Because THAT would be stupid.

A different show.

-And we've got to mention the new series of Man Down.

-Please.

Man Down is coming up on Channel 4 in July.

-Are you still living with your mother in it?

-I am, sadly, yes.

And tragically, this is based on your life. I mean, this is things...

Yeah, but... I mean...

Loosely, Graham!

No, but things like... Isn't the washing machine,

-that happened to you?

-What?

-The washing.

-You were very hungover...

-Oh. Yeah.

Go on, tell Jodie Foster that story!

All their stories are really cool though, Graham.

When I was teaching, which is what this show is based on,

I went home one weekend and I was in my 30s.

I was probably 33 years of age.

I went home to see my mother and then I went back, and while I was

at home, my mother did my washing for me, because I was only 33.

And then I went back and on the Sunday night,

I got really drunk and then I went for a curry.

And then the next day, I went into school...

LAUGHTER

I'm going to.

I went into school and it was a school in Slough

and it was quite a rough school,

but they had a really brilliant hearing-impaired department,

so there were hearing-impaired kids who, you know, struggled.

They were really looked after in the school.

Anyway, I was really hung over, I went there and about break time,

I felt really uncomfortable, I thought, "Something's not right,"

you know? So I went to the toilet

and I pulled my trousers down

and some of my mother's knickers had got...

had got mixed up in the washing and I was wearing my mother's underwear.

And I went, "Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh!" I remember going, "Oh, you loser!

"This is such a low point! You fucking loser!"

And then...

And then the curry and the booze kicked in from the night before,

so I, I did like a faecal Jackson Pollock.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I started... I started going,

"Oh, God! Not this! Not this as well!

"Oh, Jesus!"

So I cleaned myself up and I pulled my mother's pants back up,

and I went back into the classroom

and I saw one of the hearing-impaired kids just

looking at me like this, and that's when I remembered that

I had a microphone directly...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..connected...

..to his hearing aid.

So maybe Man Down isn't that far-fetched, Graham.

Listen, we've got a clip. We've got a clip of you.

This is Greg as the teacher trying to break into your own school.

Oh, yeah.

FENCE CREAKS

Oh!

HE GASPS

Ah! Oh!

HE RETCHES

HE RETCHES Argh!

-I'm clapping my own show.

-I know.

-Thank you.

Three very good clips tonight. Three excellent clips.

-Very similar genres.

-Yes.

Jodie, we must chat about how you perceived that drama!

Right.

It is time to meet my next guest. Mm, chlorine, is that what I smell?

This diver was one of Britain's youngest ever Olympic medallists,

he took London 2012 by storm and is now preparing for the Games in Rio.

Here he is showing us

how he won a gold medal at last week's European Championships.

Good, right? Please welcome Tom Daley!

-Hello!

-Hello.

-How are you?

Nice to see you. Come in and sit down.

You perch on the edge there. Say hello to everyone.

You perch down there.

-There's your fizzy drink.

-Thank you.

-Very good.

-That was amazing!

-Thank you.

-That is amazing.

Now, congratulations. A gold medal.

-Yes.

-And gold medal... Did you get silvers as well?

-Yeah, I got two golds and a silver.

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

Yeah. APPLAUSE

Now, Rio is this summer, so are you deep in training now?

Yeah, so after the European Championships last weekend,

I have had a couple of days off and then, it's back to training

six hours a day, six days a week and then it's the Olympic Games.

It's kind of terrifying

because you get that training moment for four years,

you have to train for that one moment, and it doesn't matter

if you're European Champion, World Champion, Olympic Champion

from before, in that one moment on that particular day, you have six

dives and if you mess one of them up, then it's over,

so it's a pretty cut-throat kind of thing.

Do people deliver your food in little Tupperware boxes and things?

-What? Take it like a packed lunch?

-LAUGHTER

No, in the training, is it kind of like, you can eat this now, stop eating now?

You kind of get into a routine of what you're used to eating and what you wake up.

I'll like have a routine where I get up and have my breakfast,

go to training, then eat a bit more, then train some more,

then eat a bit more, then sleep, and that's basically what I do every single day.

-When do you put on the Speedos?

-Mm?

-When do you put on the Speedos?

-Oh, I basically live in them.

-Oh, do you?

-Yeah, quite often...

-Jodie's on it!

-I want to know.

-We've got a picture.

Stella McCartney has designed the Speedos.

Sadly, she ran out of material, money and interest.

LAUGHTER

So...

Those are the Speedos.

They sent us a pair of the Speedos and they really are quite small.

-Those are the ones I was wearing yesterday.

-Hm.

Um... LAUGHTER

How lovely(!)

Yeah.

They're still damp. But like, they are very small, Tom.

-Well, everything has to stay in place.

-Obviously.

If you're spinning around, the last thing you want to do is have

something come out of its place where it's meant to be.

And also, when you hit the water, you don't

want things flapping about because it would hurt.

So the closer you can keep it all in, the better, really.

You're going to ask me to put those on, aren't you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I wasn't.

CHEERING

I was only joking, Russell.

It would look like a very ill elephant.

But what I would...

I don't want to be indelicate, but what if anything changes

-and you're wearing those?

-Oh.

I mean, when you're stood on the end...

Have you ever stood on the end of a ten metre platform?

Of course I haven't.

So that's probably the last thing that will go through your head

is to have anything change down there.

What about when they give you the medal and you're thinking - look at me!

LAUGHTER Urgh!

Leaning in and going, "Oh, sorry."

You wear a little bit more on the podium.

-You actually wear a full-on tracksuit.

-Oh, that's thoughtful.

-Exactly.

-Is that why they wear the tracksuit?

I don't think that's why they give them tracksuits.

In case they get a boner on the podium.

LAUGHTER

I have to tell you, on this couch, there is

someone who has won medals for swimming.

-I could probably guess who that is.

-Guess.

-The tallest man on the sofa.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

That is a swimmer's physique.

That's why you never trust "swimmer's body" on a personal ad.

Did you really win medals?

Yes, I did and I'm rather insulted you taking that tone with me.

-I swam for county, yes.

-Did you really?

-I don't mind telling you,

I cut through the water like an orca these days.

LAUGHTER

Ryan, you are a sports fan? You're not a sports fan?

-Cricket, you like?

-I'll pick up on this one. Ryan comes from Canada.

CHEERING

In Canada, the national sport is ice hockey.

And Ryan is a Canadian who doesn't focus on ice hockey.

And they have a descriptive phrase for that,

north of the American border there.

In Canada, if you're a Canadian who doesn't focus on ice hockey,

-you're called an arsehole.

-LAUGHTER

See? That's the magic.

Right there. Right in the crosshairs.

But then, why were you having the...

Was it a deep tissue massage you were having?

Where are you going with this, Graham?

Weren't you having a Turkish massage or something?

I don't know what it has to do with what we're talking about.

It's a funny story, tell it.

I had an awful experience, having a Turkish massage,

where this guy's idea of massage

was to like take my one leg

and the other arm and try and connect it

behind my back and I was kind of like... You know, like that.

And then his belly went in my mouth.

LAUGHTER

It was like a Borat moment.

And you know when you get something weird in your mouth

and if you're eating something,

-your brain sends your tongue to figure out what it is?

-LAUGHTER

It's not a conscious thought. It's like, is that a bone? Figure that out!

The tongue goes in to figure it out. My tongue was like, "What is that?

"It's a hairy belly!"

This sounds like you're heading off a newspaper.

Listen, Tom, good luck in Rio.

We wish you all the best. Tom Daley, everybody.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Right. It's time for music. I am a huge fan of this performer.

Tonight, he is making his TV debut,

alongside a very special friend and mentor.

Performing the single All In The Name,

please welcome Bright Light Bright Light and Sir Elton John.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# All, all in the name of being somebody

# Two, three, four, what?

# Huh

# You can tell me anything

# Something wrong or right

# Just pick me up and get me out of here

# While I've still got an appetite

# Tell me something funny

# So good I want to hear it twice

# Just fill me up with rhythm and a beat

# And take me into the night

# Cos I don't get to sleep these days

# Even when I do behave

# No cigarettes but in my own little way

# I push to the limit of the night and day

# And all, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# All, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# Seems we don't know anything

# About walking in a straight line

# Wave and weave through all these streets

# Till choice has left us almost blind

# To how we used to make decisions

# With instinct and with time

# Now if I blink I miss the only second

# I get to catch another's eye

# So I don't go to sleep these days

# Cos no-one's got the time to waste

# We call it being young and say

# That it's fun when we really wanna walk away

# But it's all, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# All, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# All, all in the name of

# I'll tell you something funny

# I never found one thing, nobody in the crowd

# Who can turn me on like I wish they would

# But keep on pushing just in case they could

# It's all, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# All, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# All, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# All, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about

# All, all in the name of being somebody

# That somebody cares about. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Bright Light Bright Light and Elton John, come on in.

Well done, sir. Oh, well done! Congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

-Well done.

In you go.

APPLAUSE

Say hi to everybody. Elton John, everybody.

This is Rod. Are we calling you Rod?

I know that's your name.

But I'm not calling you Bright Light Bright Light.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

This is Bright Light Bright Light, but we can call you Rod.

You can, yes.

OK, good. So, how did this happen? How do you become...?

-How do you meet?

-I have a management company.

I manage Ed Sheeran and various people like that.

And Rod was signed to us initially,

but he was a singer-songwriter with a guitar and it didn't quite fit

and he wanted to leave and find his own way of doing stuff.

And he left and became a kind of electronic singer-songwriter

and we remained friends. And he does everything on his own.

He makes his own records. Get gets them printed, he gets them pressed.

-He's a one-man machine.

-And Choreography is the album.

-Yes.

-And you can pre-order it now. People love to do that.

Just in case all the MP3s run out.

There's a rush on! And July 15th, it's actually...

Yeah, comes out July 15th and the song that we just sang is out

today and you get it free when you pre-order that on iTunes.

You're good at this. Very good. Yeah.

It's a great sound and people can see you,

you are performing live around the country.

Yeah, I'm doing some little preview shows in May

and then I've got a UK tour in July.

OK, now, Elton, every time you come on this show, you always say,

"Oh, I'm winding down, I'm cutting back."

You're starting a tour on the 26th of May,

which ends February 2017.

No, I have seven weeks off in the summer.

LAUGHTER Is this...?

I know you're not calling it a farewell tour,

but if people want to see you, should they go see this tour?

-No, not necessarily.

-You've got to encourage them.

LAUGHTER

Fuck you all. Don't come and see it. I don't care.

But by 2017, won't both the kids be in school

and then your life will be more limited?

Yeah. But I just like playing and I'm a working musician.

I love to do it.

I like it more than I've ever done and

if you're still feeling fresh and energetic then do it while you can.

I'm not going to be doing it forever, I can tell you that,

-cos I want to see my boys grow up.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what I love about having you on the show is

we have you on the coach with people like this and before you

came on, everyone was going, "Oh, we're on with Sir Elton John?"

-You were like a fan of Sir Elton John.

-Oh, yeah.

-I was you for Halloween.

-LAUGHTER

I wish we had a picture of that.

Apart from the music and that, all these many records

and songs that remain with you and in your heart,

one of the kindest men on the planet.

I agree. Yes. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Listen, thank you very much for coming in to see us,

but we now come to Russell's favourite part of the show.

-Are you going to let me do it again?

-Yes, if you want to.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-I pity...

-Are we all right here, or should I...?

-Move it a little bit.

Yes, there you go. OK.

Yeah, that's good.

You might want to drape some Speedos on it.

LAUGHTER

Sorry.

All right. It is time to visit the Big Red Chair. Here we go.

Who is up for it? I pity these people.

-Hello.

-Hey.

-Hi, what's your name?

-George.

-George. And where do you live, George?

-Well, live in London.

OK. LAUGHTER

He's travelled not far to see us.

-And what do you do, George?

-I work for a visual effects company.

-For what?

-A visual effects company.

-Oh, visual effects company.

-3D CGI.

-OK.

OK, good for you. You are clinging on for dear life. Well done, George.

Off you go with your story.

We recently finished work on The Nice Guys and it was late one night,

fancied a beer, went downstairs...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-OK, let's go for another one. Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-What's your name?

-I'm Gemma.

-Gemma, lovely. And where are you from, Gemma?

-I'm from Wimbledon.

Wimbledon. CHEERS

They love you.

-Do you have a job, Gemma?

-I do. I'm a project manager.

-For?

-A renewable energy company.

-Well... I'm no wiser.

LAUGHTER

-Off you go with your story.

-OK.

So I was on a third date with this guy, it was going quite well.

We had been out for a nice dinner and then we went back to his place.

We had a few drinks

and we got on to the topic of what our favourite movie moments were.

Mine, naturally, was the moment from Crazy Stupid Love with Ryan

and Emma Stone and Ryan has his top off.

And they do the famous move from Dirty Dancing

and he suggested that we gave it a go.

So I agreed to it and launched myself at him.

We then collapsed in a heap and he knocked his head

and suffered from concussion for two days.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Oh!

If you would like to join us on the show and have a go

on the Red Chair, you can contact us via our website and this address.

That is it for tonight. Please say a huge thank you

to my guests tonight, Bright Light Bright Light. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Sir Elton John. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Greg Davies. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ryan Gosling. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Jodie Foster. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Tom Daley. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Russell Crowe. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

Join me next week for music from Corinne Bailey Rae,

actors Kate Beckingsale and Dominic Cooper, Game of Thrones star

Emilia Clarke, and the new face of Top Gear, Matt LeBlanc.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody. Goodbye. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE