Episode 10 The Graham Norton Show

Hi, I'm Carrie Fisher and this is the Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! CHEERING

Oh! Oh!

Ah!

Hello, everybody.

Too much. Hey, everybody, it's Friday night! Yes, it is.

Did you all have a good week?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-So far.

We've got a great sofa for you this week including, ladies and

gentlemen... Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher is on the show.

Yes. CHEERING

Now, she's talking about her diaries,

including the revelation that

this kiss with Harrison Ford wasn't the only one they enjoyed.

Get my drift, get my drift, get my drift? Yup.

Yeah, Carrie has finally admitted

she had an affair with Harrison Ford.

Yes. Of course, not the only

Star Wars co-star she left broken-hearted.

AS YODA: Call me the next morning she didn't.

That's good, I'm going on tour.

Also on the show I'm delighted to welcome the artist

Grayson Perry, ladies and gentlemen.

We love Grayson, that's him with his pottery creation for which

he won the Turner Prize. Yeah, he did.

And actually, earlier this week, the Turner Prize winner was announced.

This was, of course, one of the finalists that got all the press.

And you do sort of think, "Quite glad it didn't win."

I mean, you wouldn't want the Queen attending that opening, would you? No.

A huge golden arsehole.

Have I shown a picture of some golden arseholes before?

Oh, exactly, yes. Let's get some guests out.

Later we will be meeting everyone's favourite Bake Off winner.

Nadia Hussain will be here.

And we've music from the comeback kids, Busted. Yeah.

But first, she's one of the funniest women in Britain and

now she's the new host of QI,

please welcome the great Dane herself, it's Sandi Toksvig.

Wow.

Look at you. It's a new person. Hello. Lovely to see you.

Sandi Toksvig, have a seat.

This artist puts the OTT into pottery,

he's won not only the Turner Prize but also two Baftas and is

one of the best-known figures in the contemporary art world.

Please welcome Grayson Perry, everybody.

Hello. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Lovely...to see you. Come in, sit down. Sandi, Grayson.

And from a galaxy far, far away comes an actress,

a bestselling author and one of the most famous pop-culture icons

in the world, it is Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher.

Oh, look at that!

It's the actual Carrie Fisher. Hello.

Welcome, all, very nice to see you all. Welcome back, welcome back.

-First-time for Grayson Perry.

-Yes.

-Now, Carrie...

-Yes.

-..Sandi, you look lovely...

-But...

-..one guest made an effort.

That's all I'm saying.

He borrowed the dress from me, so...

I know that people would be disappointed if I didn't wear

a dress and, being on telly, you want to kind of have something to look

-at because telly is a visual medium.

-Yes.

-And I can do civvies any time.

Are people disappointed when you're out and about and you're not

-dressed like this?

-One day I was just pulling up

some road works on my bicycle and the man who was sort of digging

the hole sort of looked up and he said, "Shouldn't you be in a dress?"

-Even he was disappointed.

-In fact, do you know what?

We were talking about this,

I think you are the first artist we've ever had on the show.

So I've got to carry the baggage

of the entire contemporary-art community.

Yes, if you go well, we're going to have artists every week.

-If you mess it up, that's it, it's finished.

-Finished, finished.

Because, Carrie, you buy a lot of art, don't you?

I do buy a lot of art.

-I like my art to be, like, video art a little bit.

-Oh...

-Oh...

Uh-oh. It was all going so well!

No, that's only because I discovered it recently and I couldn't

believe the paintings were...

I always look at it and just think, "Hmm, it's sort of boring telly."

There are butterflies! Butterflies!

Oh, no...

I'd take something still from you any time.

-Why do you like the video art? What is it about it that you like so much?

-It moves me.

Honestly, I had one that moved really slowly and I'm being,

like, sort of a super person watching the painting...

Like watching paint dry but this watches paintings move,

so it was just one step up from the other.

I have still paintings and drink prosecco, it has the same effect.

-APPLAUSE

-I can't drink.

See, that's the trouble with being an ex-drug addict.

-Yeah, I know.

-Sorry.

Let's start, there's lots to talk about.

Carrie Fisher, Carrie Fisher has a new book out.

It's called, The Princess Diarist.

It's out now and it is... It's a real treat for anyone

but for Star Wars fans in particular.

Now, the book begins when you find these diaries, and had you

lost them or did you forget you wrote them?

I forgot that I wrote them and I handwrite everything,

so they were sort of in a storage room under my bedroom - mysterious!

I've been in your bedroom, where's the storeroom?

Well, you have to go outside to find it.

-I don't like to go there because there's spiders.

-Yes.

And so we brought all these things up thinking,

"Well, I have to put things in a book, maybe there will be a line that's funny."

That didn't happen and... But I found these three...

I wrote these diaries here and I was a little...

..saddened by them.

I'm very insecure in the books and I didn't recall

that I was that insecure.

No, because we were talking and you were saying that you haven't

-altered the diaries at all.

-At all.

The diaries are precisely

what 19-year-old Carrie Fisher was writing.

And I wanted to take some of the stuff out and I should have.

No, I think you were right to leave it all in.

-It's good. It's good to show your vulnerability.

-Everything.

Because that's what people warm to.

Because I think if you'd edited the diaries to try and make

yourself seem more sophisticated or something, it would be terrible.

No, it sounds like a 19-year-old girl who's having (an affair)

with a 34-year-old...man.

LAUGHTER

Let's call him a man.

Let's go with that.

Because the heart of this book, of course,

is the love affair between yourself and Harrison.

-Now, given that it did happen 40 years ago...

-I just remembered.

One, there's that, but also it has caused a sensation.

You would think that people would kind of go,

"Oh, two young actors, yeah, of course they...had an affair."

But this has caused ructions.

400,000 news services picked it up.

-Wow.

-And it became a little embarrassing for me.

But here's the thing - and I do find this extraordinary -

so 40 years ago you have this affair over the months of

the movie, and you say you literally never spoke about it again.

And yet you've been seeing him off and on for the whole time.

I've seen him more on than...

I became friends with his second wife then and we saw

each other a lot and, no, I can literally remember three times that

we... I, of course, made some oblique reference to it and he went...

-SHE GRUMBLES:

-"Rrrgh."

But now he's going to have to talk about it for the rest of his life.

That's what you...

I never thought of that and leave it to Graham to now...

But if you talk like that, if he goes, "Rrrgh,"

you should have used that quote on the front of the book.

"Rrrgh." - Harrison.

"A good read...a good rrrgh."

And the thing is, also, because now Star Wars fans - or anyone, really -

that they've got this,

they can see things in the films that they didn't see before.

Like we have this clip from The Empire Strikes Back.

That is when the actual love affair between Princess Leia and Han Solo

sort of begins in the movie and there's the famous scene where,

I think it's well known that Harrison improv-ed the line at the end.

We'll just have a quick look.

I love you.

I know.

Ohh!

It was originally... It was originally written,

"I love you." "I love you."

Which wasn't that clever. And Harrison changed it to, "I know."

-Which, well, when you think of the...

-Yes.

But you were still young there.

Was that a bit of a slap in the face, like, "You're saying WHAT?"

But he doesn't... He's not a very verbal person.

But when he is, he's very witty.

But he's no people pleaser, so it's not like,

"Have you heard this one?".

It comes out witty and you have to take

a second sometimes to realise it was funny.

Yeah, and filming together...

LAUGHTER

That is going to be in the Daily Mail tomorrow.

You were filmed together for The Force Awakens,

obviously you came back together again, and there's a picture of you

at Comic-Con and you kind of think,

"Did Mark Hamill really not know?" I mean...

He really didn't know and I actually thought, "Well, he must have..."

And when I told him he was shocked.

-I think he felt a little betrayed, quite honestly.

-Because...?

Well, we were brother and sister and there's that problem with

that kiss in the second movie.

Yes, there's all of that but did nobody on the set know?

I promise you, no-one knew.

So no-one's come out since the book and went...

"Oh, I knew that!"

No, but the fans had also started calling it Carrison.

So they'd been speculating on it.

I get fan mail that says, "If Harrison's there, say hi."

I mean, they really like to think...

So we were Han and Leia during the week and, you know...

-Carrison at the weekend.

-Yes.

-Nice.

In terms of diaries, Grayson,

you have kept journals over the years, haven't you?

Yeah, when I kind of... Before the Turner Prize, but I just thought...

I'd already published my biography up until I was 22 and

so I thought at some point I may want to publish another one and

so I keep a diary, I've kept a diary for decades.

So you can publish quickly. "Yeah, publish those.

-"I've already written it, there you go."

-Isn't that what they say?

-Keep a diary so one day it'll keep you. I think that's what they say.

-Hello.

That's what they said.

Grayson Perry, Grayson Perry has also written a book.

It's called, The Descent Of Man and it's out now.

And I suppose it's really about what purpose masculinity has now.

Yeah, there's a kind of redundancy about it and, you know,

what really spurred me on was,

sometimes I think the newsreaders,

especially as a female newsreader,

I'd like them to sort of come up at the beginning of

the news and say, "Let's see what shit men have been up to now."

Because you look at the troubles of the world,

it's men who are doing most of it.

Of course, most men are lovely but most crime is done by men,

most of the awful things are done by men.

I'm looking at masculinity and seeing how we could change it.

And the thing I want to say to men is - it's not all about loss.

You know, a lot of the traditional things we regard as masculine,

about kind of wearing this kind of

armour, I think it's an unburdening and you might find that there's

a positive side to changing what it is to be masculine.

You might like it. You might have better friendships.

But do you not think, Grayson, that you credit men in

a way with more emotional intelligence than we have?

I don't want to be too harsh because I don't want to stereotype them.

-Oh, stereotypes...

-I don't want to make men too defensive.

I want them to be open to change, you know?

So I didn't want to kind of say, "You're like this, you're like this."

I wanted to say, "Look, I'm a bit like this too but, hey, look,

"you could change, it might be nice."

But isn't so much of that behaviour just about trying to get laid?

Yeah, a lot of it is.

And a big problem with our sexuality is it suffers from what

I would call cultural lag.

So our sexuality was formed when we were young in our childhood,

so therefore it's kind of attached to how the world was then

as well a bit. So therefore, you know,

men - and women to a certain extent -

they like an old-fashioned version of what turns them on.

I was talking to some women when researching the book and this

woman was saying, "Oh, middle-class men,

"they're not as macho as they used to be."

I said, "Would you REALLY want a man like that?

"You know, a kind of domineering, sexist man."

She said, "Oh, in the bedroom."

Sort of "pull me back into the cave" kind of thing?

Yeah, because you look at... Fifty Shades Of Grey sold

-incredibly well but I bet it didn't sell very well in Afghanistan.

-No.

Do you know what I mean? It's like submissiveness...

Good point well made.

Submissiveness as a leisure activity, I'm sort of thinking.

Fifty Shades sales in Afghanistan never occurred to me.

I'm going to Google it now.

It's one of the markets she's really trying to break into.

But there is a point about how most of the world is designed for

men and men of an average height.

So if you're a woman and you go to a service station and you wash

your hands and you go to dry them,

the drier is set by some bloke who's put it on the wall and

immediately you do that and the water all runs down your elbow.

Or lecterns. Lecterns are a really interesting thing.

I was at the Hay Festival. Have you done the Hay Festival, Carrie? Yeah.

At the Hay Festival, you stand up and talk at a lectern

and it comes to here on me. Lecterns are designed for men to say important things.

They're not designed for women,

like Carrie and myself, to say important things.

Actually, it's funny, the subtle sexist things like that.

In the book you talk about air conditioning, which I'd never thought about.

There was a news story last year that said that air conditioning

was sexist because it was always set for men's comfort because

they wear suits, so therefore they're wearing a bit more clothes.

Whereas women in dresses and less heavy clothes,

they're always complaining about being...

And they have smaller bodies as well, so they get colder easier.

I always thought in Star Wars they have

no female planet that is overtly female.

You know, where there's spas and the caricature of females.

They do caricature of males.

I just thought there should be more female...

My planet blew up with my parents on it and I'm more upset

about Harrison going into the...

LAUGHTER

That's what we need, a feminist Star Wars.

There's no therapists in space.

But it is odd that if you are creating worlds,

you would create worlds with so few women in them.

-There's you, essentially.

-It must be exhausting.

I was there for the whole crew.

APPLAUSE

Now, that will be in the Daily Mail!

More diaries to come!

Volume two, volume two.

No, I'm doing a bunch of books on men I haven't slept with.

Storm Trooper 456.

You talked earlier about how men are to blame for most things and

you have a radical idea in the book, a suggestion about men paying tax.

There was a news story this year about tampon tax about how women

shouldn't pay tax, VAT, on sanitary products.

And I thought, "Yeah, that's good."

If you look at... You know, men are responsible for most crime,

maybe women shouldn't pay tax to fund the criminal justice system.

Maybe men should pick up the bill for their own misdemeanours.

It's possible I love you.

-THERE'S a story.

-Shall I stand for the Women's Equality Party?

Yes.

But on the other side, there's also, in terms of changing

things for boys, only 10% of men in this country take

paternity leave who are entitled to it because they think it will

impact adversely on their work, and it will.

So let's have compulsory paternity leave

so that men can spend time with their babies.

There's lots of ways in which we could sort it out so that

boys can have an easier time and, in fact, we can all have a better time.

Because you were one of the founders of the Women's Equality Party...

-I am.

-..which is kind of what Grayson is saying -

it's not about losing or gaining, it's just about a parity.

It would be nice. Equality is better for everybody, that's it.

I mean, I've called the book The Descent Of Man, I'm not saying I'm

making them right go down to the bottom,

I'm saying, "Look, just come down, level."

You want to be careful, though, Graham,

there'll be women chat-show hosts and then where will we be?

Why I oughtta!

This is a terrible idea! Why am I promoting this book?

Talking of women chat-show hosts,

there is now a female panel-show host.

-I know!

-I know!

CHEERING

I mean, you're not the first but you're one of the first.

I'm the first in this kind of mainstream show, yes.

Isn't that cr...? Because there's no heavy lifting.

Well, yeah, I was surprised.

Here's the thing I didn't know when you're the host of one of

those big shows, they tell you the answers beforehand.

So it's not that difficult. And those cards you're holding,

they're not as heavy as I was led to believe.

It's been OK. I've loved it, I've absolutely loved it.

OK, so the thing about QI is, because you've done it,

Carrie, I've done it, in the moment you learn amazing things.

You think, "I'll never forget that." By the next day it's gone.

But I bet you remember things.

I'm afraid I don't have one of those retentive minds. So we just

did the N series, there's a different letter of the alphabet each time.

So we did "noises" and my favourite fact for Christmas...

Did you ever have partridge? Have you had partridge?

-It's a thing in the song, partridge in a pear tree.

-I've heard of it.

It comes from the Greek word perdesthai,

and that means to break wind and

so the word partridge is because of the noise they make as they

take off in flight. It basically means fart, partridge.

I think that's terribly pleasing. The other one I know...

Do you ever have that you think your house smells and you've got

guests coming? And you think, "What am I going to do?

"I can't really tell if it smells cos I live here."

You can reset your nose, this is very cool.

So what you need to do is you need to run up and down the stairs

very quickly and that introduces more blood into...

It widens the capillaries in your nose and you will be able to

tell whether your house smells or not. You can reset your nose.

Oh, I hope you don't move next door to me.

So, yeah, I love those things.

The thing I learned when I did it, was that when you eat asparagus

-and your pee stinks, apparently that doesn't happen for everyone.

-No.

Oh, actually, no, I found out something else later - it does,

it does, everybody's pee stinks but some people can't smell it.

-They need to reset their nose.

-Yes.

-Run up and down the stairs.

-What if they live in a bungalow?

Yeah, maybe. If they live in a bungalow, it's hell.

They've got to go outside at night and run round.

Come back in, "Oh, asparagus, yeah, awful."

Actually, when you get to the P, Grayson has quite

a good thing about the pink and blue.

Oh, because... Writing a book about masculinity,

so I was thinking about the codes of gender and of course pink and

blue being the most well-known, but pink was the boys colour up

until fairly recently, because in the late 19th century they thought

soldiers wore red, so maybe pink was like a junior version of red.

And they don't think it was until Mamie Eisenhower wore her pink gown

at her husband's inauguration in 1946, I think,

that was when then... "Pink is definitely a girl's colour."

And it wasn't until the '60s that it got really set in stone,

-or set in pink plastic.

-Yeah.

I used it as an illustration of the way that gender,

a lot of the behaviours that we think of as fixed,

are incredibly fluid and changing all the time.

And men and women may be, in a century's time, doing

completely different things.

We'll all be dead. Erm... Now...

Here's hoping.

It's so cheerful suddenly.

Now, we're going to see a clip, this is Sandi in action in her new job.

Who are Spoon Licker, Doorway Sniffer,

Sausage Swiper and Meat Hook?

-Yes, Josh.

-Is that how you refer to us four?

APPLAUSE

And if so, name names.

If you were to have to describe us, Sandi,

which one of us would be the Sausage Swiper?

APPLAUSE

I was being so careful.

CHEERING

Very good.

OK, everyone, it is time for my next guest.

Last year she won the Great British Bake Off and the hearts of

a nation. Now she's back with her first cookbook.

Please welcome Nadiya Hussain.

There she is. Hello. Hi. Lovely to see you. Hi. Come in.

-This is Carrie.

-Hi, nice to meet you.

Grayson. Sandi. If you just shuffle down slightly, there we go.

And you perch there, Nadiya.

-How are you?

-Can we take a moment to admire Grayson's shoes, please?

Yes, Grayson's shoes are amazing, I meant to mention them earlier.

I have a lovely lady called Natacha Marro who makes them for me.

Her name's Marro?

-Yeah, she's French.

-Oh, I see.

FRENCH ACCENT: Marro, Marro, it's a shoe.

How are you, my dear?

I'm good, it's good... It's nice to be on a couch where I'm not the shortest.

-That's good.

-Yeah, three short ladies today.

-Yeah.

Now, Nadiya, so, Bake Off, winning Bake Off, I think...

You are everyone's favourite winner.

-That final was just so emotional and lovely.

-Yeah.

-Are you recognised everywhere you go now?

-Yes. Yes.

-Everywhere?

It's not a bad thing.

You know, people are lovely, people are so nice. Some not so nice,

but mostly nice.

-Um... And...

-LAUGHTER

But, like... Yeah, mostly nice. But I recently went...

And I'm not shy, we've all got to do it. I went for my smear test...

All been there. LAUGHTER

Yes, yes. And, as you do.

And it's that god-awful fear where you think,

"Oh, I really don't want to go. I just want to get this over with.

"I've shaved my legs. Let's do this, come on."

And then you turn up and I just thought,

"Please don't recognise me, please don't recognise me.

"I hope she doesn't recognise me. Just go in, get it done, get out."

-There I was, speculum...

-LAUGHTER

And she said, "So, is Paul Hollywood really that good-looking?"

LAUGHTER

-That's the way to get you to relax!

-LAUGHTER

Comes at you with the Eiffel Tower.

APPLAUSE

I wonder what made her think of him.

The beard?

LAUGHTER

-Too much?

-Maybe!

-She's in the room!

-Sorry.

But I have to say, the thing that we all...

And when she cried, when Mary Berry tried,

and then you made your speech in the final, it was so lovely.

And I wonder in that speech,

which was so inspiring and sort of empowering,

was it something specific in your life that you were talking about?

Or was it just a kind of general thing?

I definitely didn't rehearse it.

Lots of people ask me this, "Did you rehearse it?"

-Because it seemed written, it was so lovely.

-No, I stood there.

I was probably an editor's nightmare.

I was stood there for about half an hour crying.

"Are you going to say anything now?" Nope, nope.

And I just stood there and I cried.

And it's really weird because I can't actually remember any of it.

I don't actually remember the moment I won.

All I remember is looking down at my feet and thinking,

"These shoes need to go in the washing machine as soon as I get home."

Because they were covered in icing sugar.

So that was the only thought I had.

But I didn't rehearse... I didn't think I'd get the...

I didn't think I was going to win.

So much so, I handed the trophy back to Paul and said,

-"Are you sure you don't want to give it to the other two?"

-Awww!

Because I genuinely didn't think it was...

I mean, now, if they came for it now, they're not getting it.

-LAUGHTER

-They're not getting it now. No, no, no.

I met you shortly after you'd won, in fact it

was the first time I met you, and fame does funny things to people.

You have transitioned into the most fantastic, powerful

and talented role model for women, and it's really wonderful to see.

Yeah! CHEERING AND WHOOPING

-And you're getting married.

-Yeah! Again!

-But in this country this time.

-Yes.

I've been married before. I am married, um...

-LAUGHTER

-Have three children.

And we had the Islamic marriage in this country.

And then we went out to Bangladesh and had the ceremony out there.

Not because we wanted the hot weather or the beaches.

My father-in-law and my dad concocted this plan that it would be

-cheaper to go out there.

-Fair enough!

-I suppose they were paying for it, so...

-Very sensible.

But I knew nobody.

I had no family, just my mum and my dad and my husband,

-who I'd only seen once.

-Wow.

-So it was the second time I'd seen him.

So I was like,

"Yeah, he's good-looking but that's a whole lot of lifetime."

-LAUGHTER

-He is all right now, I quite like him. That's why...

-LAUGHTER

-That's why I want to get married,

because I'll actually mean it this time.

Like, last time it was a bit like, "OK, let's do this!"

But it's interesting, because I've read in interviews you

talking about arranged marriage,

and the more I read you talking about it, the more sensible it seems.

But did you kind of think the chances are kind of the same?

-Well, yeah...

-LAUGHTER

My wife always says that love at first sight is projection at first sight.

It's just that they remind you of someone else you love already,

usually one of your parents.

I mean, there's no such thing as love at first sight.

-How could you love someone that you'd never met before?

-No.

When I met my wife,

we shook hands and I swear it was like being hit by lightning.

And it still feels like that and it's all those years later.

-ALL: Awwwww!

-So I'm afraid I disagree.

You can write all the psychology books you like,

you can't change how you feel when you meet somebody.

My husband had lovely long hair and a big arse and I was like,

"That's nice, that'll do me."

LAUGHTER

I think if you meet someone and you kind of like them,

you might as well marry them and then just see how it goes.

-But there are issues with that because then you're stuck.

-Yeah.

-But they're in the ballpark and then you grow together.

-Yeah!

You want someone in the ballpark, you don't want someone you completely hate.

There might be a few corners that need knocking off,

but that's what a relationship is about - changing each other.

LAUGHTER

-Not the last bit.

-I think it is.

You've got to change each other a little bit, otherwise there's no blending, is there?

There's no relationship you share.

But it's interesting about the whole arranged marriage thing,

because, culturally, I had problems with it

until I had three grown-up children and now I'm totally ready for it. Totally ready for it.

You want an arranged marriage for them?

Yeah, I'll sort it for them, seriously. I know way better than they do.

See, having done it, I cannot wait for them to go to uni,

leave the house.

I'm going to sell up, go on a cruise, convertible,

around the world. You know, do your thing.

But having done it, it's not something I'd do for my kids.

-No?

-Who can be arsed? I really can't.

LAUGHTER

-I can't be bothered!

-"Find your own husband!"

-Yeah!

Everyone else is doing it!

-Send them to uni and move house. Don't tell them.

-LAUGHTER

My father was a short Jewish singer and so I married

-a short Jewish singer. I did sort of do the...

-The daddy thing.

And then I went, "Well, that didn't work,

"so now I'd better go in a whole other direction."

That didn't work either - he left me for a man.

And so I thought, "I'm not going to do this any more."

Except tonight I'd like to announce that I am going to accept

applications for...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-That's a reality show right there.

-I'm going to pitch it!

APPLAUSE

And the book... The book is Nadiya's Kitchen, your new cookbook.

And it's such a great reminder of kind of what modern Britain is.

That it's a really inclusive country and there's recipes from all over the world.

Yeah, it's just a mixture of all the things that I like to cook at home.

And being part of a Bangladeshi family, it's very Continental,

Bangladeshi, British, baking...

Did you have pressure on you to make it all cakes because of the

-Bake Off thing, or not?

-I don't know.

I think there's a slight pressure that because I came

off Bake Off that it should all be cakes, but I don't do cakes

-all the time.

-And people who've been doing this for years...

No, no stop it!

People who've been doing this for years, they've got teams of domestic

science people at the back going, "That doesn't work, this works."

So starting out, how do you do this?

Are these just recipes you know absolutely solidly work?

It's just a lot of cake, a lot of flour, a lot of sugar.

When you're making something... Like, for me, I didn't have a team.

It was me, my rental kitchen that I was in at the time,

and it was the kids would come home from school and I'm like,

"Right, guys, you're having squid,

"you're having cake and you're having tiramisu for dinner." And that...

It was a mixture of about three months of just giving them all

sorts of food. And they loved it.

So when we went back to a normal kind of set-up,

where they had breakfast, lunch and dinner and had normal things,

they were like, "So you're not writing any more recipes?"

Please tell me that sometimes you defrost for the children.

Please tell me that occasionally there's a fish finger or something, so I don't feel so bad.

LAUGHTER

-There's a fish finger butty in that.

-There we go! Result!

It doesn't involve defrosting, though, Sandy.

I need to tell you - a real fish died.

LAUGHTER

So...

Bake Off - it opened all these doors for you and all sorts of

honours and things.

But one of the biggest honours must have been when you got to

bake the Queen's birthday cake.

-Yeah.

-There you are. And...

-You didn't talk to the Queen for long, apparently? No.

-No.

Sorry, are you laughing at what I'm laughing at?

I'm laughing at that lady mayoress who looks like she's about to have the whole thing.

LAUGHTER

The Queen will turn back and she'll go,

"Oh, sorry, I don't know what came over me!"

It did disappear very quickly. So I don't know, it could have happened.

Um... No, well...

If you're watching, Lady Mayoress, I know you didn't eat the whole thing.

But you wanted to. LAUGHTER

Prince Philip, I didn't know he was there,

and he's the one person that I met who made me the most nervous.

In fairness, yes.

My dad now introduces me as, "This is the daughter that made the

"cake for the Queen." I don't even have a name any more.

But I didn't know Prince Philip was there. So he's sauntered around.

I'm trying to talk, muffling all my words,

and then he comes up and he says...

And the Queen then introduces me to Prince Philip.

I was like, "Get in!"

You know you've made it when she introduces you to somebody else.

"This is the young lady who won the baking competition."

And at this point I was on cloud nine.

And he comes up and says, "Yes, dear, I know who she is, but what flavour is the cake?"

LAUGHTER

Could not care less.

APPLAUSE

Carrie, you've met a lot of... I know you've met royalty,

because I was with you when you met one of them.

-Which one...?

-LAUGHTER

Yes, I have met, um... the Prince, who I... But no, I...

Prince Harry we met, and then back in the Star Wars days...

And I said, "I have a daughter," and felt like an idiot.

As you do.

No, but in the olden days, we'd done Empire Strikes Back,

and the royal opening was for Princess Margaret,

and we were waiting for her to come down the line,

and I sort of mentioned to Alec Guinness and Harrison and

Mark that my father had slept with Princess Margaret.

LAUGHTER

And... Caused a bit of a kerfuffle.

And then, um, I arrived at the party afterwards,

after Harrison had gotten there, and he came up to me and he said,

"Well, clearly your father will sleep with anybody."

LAUGHTER

He meant it to be funny because she was very attractive-looking.

But she did think Empire was very loud.

The reviews are in - "Loud."

Because, Grayson, you've met the Queen a few times now.

Yeah, I have, yeah. Um...

Yeah, what I like about the whole sort of

royal Buckingham Palace thing is they're not fazed by anything.

You know, when I went to collect my gong in a dress,

they didn't even blink.

When I pulled up in my car to go to a party there once, a policeman...

I wind down my window and he said, "Madam..." He knew who I was.

He said, "Madam, could you open the bonnet, please?"

And I had a new car and I said, "I don't know how to work it."

And he sort of leaned across and looked at my wife

and goes, "Typical woman!"

LAUGHTER

I just like the way they not fazed.

I think that's very elegant in a way. That's proper posh.

You've mixed with the... is it the Queen of Denmark?

Oh, I have always behaved badly at the wrong moment,

and you talk about Prince Philip wandering around the room?

So I was at a reception to celebrate the 200th birthday of

Hans Christian Andersen in Denmark, and we love marzipan, and we

were invited to a buffet where the whole buffet was made of marzipan.

I think you can go overboard with marzipan, myself.

So there was every kind of food you could imagine but all made

of marzipan. So I thought this was hilarious. So I'm standing...

My friend, Helena Kennedy, wonderful human rights lawyer, is taking

a photograph of me and I'm pointing to the buffet and she's going...

And behind me was the Queen of Denmark,

who is phenomenally tall, just looking down like a...

LAUGHTER

There was a photograph of what looks like the Queen caught in the wild,

like a giraffe looking down...

over the top of my head.

I think I made a pot for that anniversary as well,

because I was in a show about Hans Christian Andersen.

They gave us his biography to read, and he used to put

a little cross in his diary every time he had a wank.

LAUGHTER

Trying to link up a few threads for you here.

That's the next series of QI right there!

LAUGHTER

You wonder how fairytales get written? Well...

Gay Hans.

And it all ended happily ever after.

Finally, it's time for music.

After an 11-year break, this boyband is back and better than ever,

and performing On What You're On, it's Busted, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Wanna be on what you're on Wanna be on what you're on

# Wanna be on what you're on

# She's got a wild heart

# Born to run, born to come and just save my soul

# I never thought it was worth saving

# She tapped into something and I wish I could feel it

# But I don't know what it is and I can't quite believe it

# Always listen, always listen, always listen to the same song

# I wanna know, I wanna know, wanna know what you're on

# I wanna be on what you're on

# I wanna be gone like you're gone

# I wanna be on what you're on

# I wanna listen, wanna listen, wanna listen to the same song

# Wanna be on what you're on Wanna be on what you're on

# Wanna be on what you're on

# She has a kind heart

# Kind enough to take the time to come save my soul

# I'm so over misbehaving

# She's optimistic 'bout the future of her planet

# And the smile that's on her lips,

# Oh, it must be the Xanax

# Always listen, always listen, always listen to the same song

# I wanna know, I wanna know, wanna know what you're on

# I wanna be on what you're on

# I wanna be gone like you're gone

# I wanna be on what you're on

# I wanna listen, wanna listen, wanna listen to the same song

# Wanna be on what you're on

# Wanna be on what you're on

# Wanna be on what you're on

# Yeah, we're standin' on the same cloud

# And we're never comin' down

# Yeah, we're standin' on the same cloud

# No, we're never, no, we're never, ever comin' down

# I wanna be on what you're on

# I wanna be gone like you're gone

# I wanna be on what you're on

# I wanna listen, wanna listen, wanna listen to the same song

# Wanna be on what you're on

# Wanna be on what you're on

# Wanna be on what you're on... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you! Thank you.

Busted, everybody!

Come on over! Drop your guitars.

There you go. Hello, lovely to see you! Lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you. Sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

There you go. All right, all right.

Yep, yep, we're not boarding a plane,

you don't have to greet everybody. Can you fit in there?

-Just about.

-Yeah, you're grand.

-You're grand, you're grand!

-One cheek is on.

LAUGHTER That's all you need.

-It's similar down the other end, so...

-Yes, it is.

A quarter of a cheek.

That is from the new album Night Driver, which is out now.

You've come back, but the way sometimes bands come

back and it sounds exactly the same, it doesn't.

It sounds like you've been listening to things while you've been away.

-Yeah.

-Yeah...

-LAUGHTER

I think what's crazy is,

Busted broke up for musical differences, so to come back

together and do the same old shit we broke up because of...

would be even stranger than coming out with a new sound, I think.

I think referring to it as "same old shit" is

a bit confrontational...

LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT

I'll tell you, somebody on the couch is very happy you're here.

-Grayson Perry.

-Yes.

-A Busted track was one of my Desert Island Discs.

-I heard about this.

Yeah, because when I was up for the Turner Prize, my daughter was

a big fan, and when I put the car stereo on, by chance it was Loser Kid.

I thought, that sums up my whole situation.

You know, I used to be the loser kid and now I'm not.

And that became my anthem during the whole run-up to the Turner Prize.

And it came true, of course, because I wasn't the loser kid,

so I had it as my Desert Island Disc.

-So I've got very fond memories of the track.

-Secretly we're the reason you on the Turner prize.

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

Now, Carrie Fisher, Busted have brought a picture of themselves.

Do you see any one you recognise in this picture?

Yes.

-My brother. My twin.

-Yes, it's Mark Hamill!

-Where did you meet Mark Hamill?

-At the airport.

We were going through the airport and I got a text from Matt going,

"Guys, guys, Luke Skywalker is on our plane."

Carrie, can we get one with you?

Yes, then you could have one more to get, but good luck!

LAUGHTER

This is actually way cooler because I kind of...

I kind of remember being young and that Jabba The Hutt scene being

a very prominent moment in my youth...

LAUGHTER

Did you put a little cross in your diary?

-Yeah, yeah!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right. I can only apologise, Miss Fisher, I can only apologise.

So listen, that is nearly it.

Before we go, just time for a visit to the Big Red Chair. Who's there?

-Hello, what's your name?

-Mark.

-Mark, lovely. Where are you from, Mark?

-Auckland, New Zealand.

-New Zealand! These are always good stories!

CHEERING

-Mark from New Zealand. Are you travelling or living?

-Bit of both.

OK, great, good to hear it. I'll write that down.

LAUGHTER

-Are you working here, Mark?

-Yes, I am.

LAUGHTER

-Doing...?

-Landscaping.

-Landscaping!

So if you want your garden tidied up, you know who to call.

Thank you very much, Mark. I will.

I won't know your number but I'll know who I should be calling.

-You can get it later.

-Oh, hello!

LAUGHTER

Mm-hm!

Um... LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Mark, off you go with your story.

I'm sure it's going to be marvellous.

So, recently, whilst travelling around Europe on Busabout,

I doubled up on my morning coffee and it was

a long stretch until the next service stop.

And I just was, yeah, I really needed a shit.

I was just absolutely in tatters. So...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No! No.

LAUGHTER

Everybody in the couch is now going, "No! No! Stop that."

-Let's have one more quick. Hello, what's your name, sir?

-Nick.

Nick, the hopes of a nation rest on your shoulders.

Nick, off you go with your story.

So, I was in India taking a local flights from Srinigar and Kashmir

down to Delhi.

Very high security route and you're not allowed any hand luggage at all.

I had a bit of a dodgy tummy at the time and I was carrying with

me an emergency loo roll at all times.

Got to security and it was confiscated.

There was nothing I could do about it, just had to hope and pray.

Everything was fine.

I seemed to be getting away with it,

and I got called out to walk across the tarmac to go out to the

aeroplane, and there standing at the steps,

at the bottom of the steps,

was a uniformed security guard with a red velvet cushion with gold

braid, and on it was my loo roll which had been completely unravelled

and very carefully rolled back up again. And on it it just

had a very smart hand-written label that just said, "Safe".

LAUGHTER Awww!

That's quite a good story! APPLAUSE

We got there in the end!

Well done, everyone.

If you want to have a go in the Big Red Chair go to this very address.

And that is it for tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Busted!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nadiya Hussein! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sandi Toksvig! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Grayson Perry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Carrie Fisher!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with music from Jack Savoretti,

Sir Michael Parkinson, comedian Dawn French,

new face of Star Wars, Felicity Jones,

Slum Dog Millionaire Dev Patel and Oscar winner Nicole Kidman.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE