New Year's Eve Show The Graham Norton Show

-It's New Year's Eve!

-Yes, it is.

-I'm James McAvoy.

-I'm Michael Fassbender.

BOTH: Welcome to The Graham Norton Show!

Oh! Oh! Yes!

Hello!

Hello! Oh!

Hi, everybody! Hi, hi, hi. Welcome.

It's New Year's Eve!

Yay!

Oh! Thank you very much.

So, did everyone have a nice Christmas?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

I thought as much.

It's over so quick, isn't it?

It seems like only yesterday I was putting the tree up.

It actually was yesterday.

Did anyone wake up Christmas morning and find an old man with a beard

at the bottom of their bed? Because if you did, sorry about that.

I got drunk, forgot where I live.

I'm joking, of course.

I took things very easy this year.

I limited myself to just one nice bottle of wine

that I got delivered to my house. Yeah.

It was delicious!

2016, wow!

It will go down in history as a year of world-changing events.

We voted to leave the EU, Donald Trump became US President

and, at that point, we felt,

well, at least nothing else THAT disturbing could happen in politics.

We were wrong.

Brexit, Trump, Ed Balls -

when will the world learn? Don't give us a vote, don't trust us.

Listen, we've got some great guests joining us tonight

to help see the year out. Later on,

we'll say hello to two of my favourite people of the year.

Irish Olympic rowing heroes, Gary and Paul O'Donovan will be here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you've seen them, you'll know that I can't wait to meet them.

They're just fantastic. And, like all good New Year's Eve parties,

it'll all go Pete Tong at the end.

Yes, Pete Tong and the Heritage Orchestra are here.

Yeah! But let's get some guests on.

He's one of the nation's favourite comedians

and will be kicking off 2017 with a new series of Room 101.

It's always a pleasure to welcome back Frank Skinner!

Hey!

Hello, sir.

Lovely to see you. Frank Skinner.

No Hogmanay is complete without a Scotsman on the sofa.

We love this BAFTA-winning actor as Professor X in the X-Men movies

and now he's in the psychological thriller Split.

It's James McAvoy!

Hello, sir. Lovely to see you. Have a seat, do.

This French actress has starred in films like Inception,

The Dark Knight Rises and an Oscar-winning turn in La Vie En Rose.

It's bienvenue and bonne annee to Marion Cotillard!

Hello. How are you?

Mwah and mwah - showbiz kissing.

Say hello.

And he's played everyone, from X-Men's Magneto,

to Steve Jobs, to Macbeth

and now he's kickin' ass in the new action fantasy Assassin's Creed.

It's Michael Fassbender!

Hello! How are you doing? Lovely to see you.

Come in, sit down.

Look at that sofa. It's like a joke, though. It's like an Irishman, a Scotsman,

an Englishman and a French actress walk into a bar.

It's a great line-up, but this is what Ringo must have felt like.

And these are the other ones.

You stop it, Frank. You stop it.

-Your movie career's ahead of you.

-Yeah.

Now, did everyone have a nice Christmas?

-Amazing.

-Pretty magical.

LAUGHTER

Marion, what was the best present you got?

-LAUGHTER

-Er...

Salt. Salt and pepper.

-Very nice. You can always use salt.

-Music or seasoning?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Music or seasoning?

-Music?

-Come on. Salt-N-Pepa. # Mix it up one time. #

Anybody?

-Nobody.

-Let's Talk About Sex?

-Nobody.

-It was not music.

Your English is flawless, but if there's any problems with anything

anyone's saying, Frank Skinner happily speaks fluent French.

Amazing!

Do you?

Um...well, it's been my New Year's resolution to learn French

since 1986.

I call it the French resolution.

So, I have...

I have had lessons, I've got all the books, the tapes

and I go hard at it until about mid-February.

And then I get... You know what it's like with French.

It falls away.

It's a beautiful language.

And, you know... One of my favourite phrases is,

I don't know if you're familiar with this,

it's... It's tout le monde sur le balcon.

I'll see you on the balcony?

-Are you talking about boobs?

-Yes.

Or perhaps you'd like to explain it, Marion?

Yeah, well... But it's not the exact sentence.

-No.

-Your book, get rid of it.

-I didn't imagine for a second it would be.

It's, il y a du monde au balcon.

-OK.

-There are a lot of people on the balcony.

-Yes.

Oh...

If a woman's got a low-cut dress on, that's what French people say.

"There's a lot of people on the balcony tonight."

-They're all wanting a fag, though.

-Yeah!

I love it, though. I've used it many times.

Wrongly, as it turns out.

Listen, we are... We can't lie,

we are recording this a little in advance.

So, what will you actually be doing on New Year's Eve?

Are you going to be in Ireland? Are there German traditions?

I'm going to try and be on a beach, if I can make it, um...

You're Magneto, you'll be fine.

-Exactly.

-No, cos in your household, because your father's German,

did you have German New Year's traditions and things?

Not really. I guess the main difference is

that you open your presents on Christmas Eve,

-as opposed to Christmas morning.

-OK.

But New Year's, we...

Most of the time, I was working at the restaurant,

because my parents had a restaurant,

so, on New Year's Eve, we were doing that, which was...

a family event of sorts.

I once spent New Year's Eve alone and I went out onto the balcony,

actually...

-Like a real balcony?

-She was a fabulous woman.

No, a real balcony

and I could hear people singing Auld Lang Syne,

and I was on my own in my darkened flat.

And I realised I was actually doing that.

It was such a sad thing.

Really sad, slow, Gangnam Style?

Listen, well, I'm glad we've cleared up what we're all doing.

So, let's talk about our first film tonight.

Michael and Marion together in Assassin's Creed.

It's out tomorrow, January 1st.

I should say there's loud explosions in it, so maybe go later in the day.

Now, obviously, it's based on a video game and, apparently,

100 million copies of this game have been sold.

So, you only really need a few of those people to go to your movie.

That's what I said.

-So, you've never played the game before?

-No.

-Marion?

-No.

Have you played it now?

-I have.

-I haven't.

-Was it helpful? No?

-Yes.

It was helpful for me because, basically,

there's a lot of parkour in the game, which is, I guess,

-kind of urban gymnastics.

-Yeah, yeah.

And, so, it's a lot of that.

Basically, the action takes place in the regression.

We go back to 15th-century Spain, the Spanish Inquisition.

And, so, by hooking up to this machine, called the animus,

we can... It's sort of like, I guess, a genetic DeLorean.

It's like a genetic time machine that allows you to go back

to various times in history

and, through your ancestor, relive their experiences.

-So Marion's trying to locate...

-You're more the science-y person.

-Yes.

-Here comes the science part.

The science part is working with the animus

and using people, as Callum Lynch, played by Michael, to...

to help her reach this goal in finding the Apple of Eden

where the code she is searching for is.

And why are they doing that?

I have no idea.

Listen, we've got a clip of Assassin's Creed.

This is the two of you and you're about to enter the animus,

which is the big machine that takes you back for the first time.

What is it?

I'm sorry, Cal, this is not the way I like to do things.

Then don't do it.

CAL SCREAMS

What do you want from me?

Your past.

Listen to me carefully, Cal.

You're about to enter the animus.

What you're about to see, hear and feel

are the memories of someone who's been dead for 500 years.

Wait a minute...

Synchronisation achieved.

Commence regression.

Oh!

And...as I was saying, lots of...

lots of action sequences and stunts and everything.

And, Michael Fassbender, you learnt some special skills,

-I believe, for this film.

-That's right.

As I was saying, the parkour elements,

so I got to perfect the roly-poly.

Now, you must have known how to do a roly-poly at one time in your life?

-Think you could do one?

-Not now. I'm 53!

But when I was 13, I could do a roly-poly.

-You think you can do a roly-poly...

-No, I have tried.

-That's right.

What is it? I don't know what is it.

Roly-poly, it's a head over heels... thing.

-Oh, yeah.

-Do you want to see?

Oh, yes! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I might tear the suit, though, that's the problem.

-You have to do it with me.

-But I can't do it!

-Yes, you can.

-No, look, no...

I will look... I will look...

AUDIENCE CHEER

I will look... I will look like...

It will look like abuse in a nursing home.

It will look like you've just...

you've dragged someone out of bed

and you're kicking them down the corridor.

We have to show Marion how exactly it works.

-You do it first.

-OK.

So, basically... I'm going to end up off the stage.

Don't do that. Are you going to do a really fancy one?

No. So, basically, you have to keep your hand...

I could never do that!

-Never do that!

-Try it.

No, no. I used to do it... I thought you were just going to do that thing

where you do that and you just roll over.

-But then you hurt yourself.

-I could never do that!

Place your forearm down first and then tuck your head over.

-I can't do that.

-Try it.

-I'll die!

This is awful. What do I do?

I'll just stand here in case you go off the edge.

But I wasn't really paying attention.

So, you...

Hand, forearm and then tuck your shoulder over and stay on that side,

don't go straight down your spine.

Hand, arm and then just tuck your head.

-OK.

-Don't think about it too much.

Hand... Hang on. Hand, arm, and then I'll just go over?

-This bit here.

-Yeah.

-Hand, this bit, and then just roll over.

-I won't get over.

-Yeah, you will.

That wasn't it.

That wasn't it!

That was amazing.

New Year's resolution.

I got to see something there from a third person's point of view

of something that I've been a part of many, many times,

which is I'm saying to Michael, "I don't think I can keep going."

And you're, like, "Yeah, you can."

Just really quietly and confidently telling you you can until you do.

It looked like an advert for Injury Lawyers 4U.

Have you had an accident at work?

Yes, I have!

No, because the two of you work together,

so you have kind of done fights and...

We've actually fought each other.

-We have, yes.

-A couple of times.

You have noticed that Michael fights in a particular way.

-No, he makes certain noises when he fights.

-Oh! This again!

-I know what you're talking about.

-You know what I'm talking about? Why, what do you know?

Because he works out all the time on set and he makes a lot of noise.

I've boxed with Michael.

I've never BOXED with Michael, but I've been around Michael

while he's on the pads and then we take it in turns on the pads.

And you sound like Ricky Hatton in that you sound like

you're having it off with somebody, but, like, really energetically.

-You're like...

-HE GROANS REPEATEDLY

My model was always Monica Seles.

I don't know where the Ricky Hatton came from.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm vocal when I sort of...

It helps me breathe, to be honest.

-That's why I do it.

-To make the noise?

-Yeah.

-But does he make the noise all the time, Marion?

Yeah, and sometimes you don't really know what he's doing.

Don't you, Marion?

-It all burns calories.

-When you knock on his trailer door and you say, "What are you doing in there?"

-Does he go...

-IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-.."I'm working out"?

Oh, I didn't remember this!

-Yeah.

-You guys have talked about the X-Men set, the games you play

and, like, the last X-Men...

That's my constipation look.

But in this last X-Men movie, you did a new game,

which just... None of these games sound fun to me,

but you obviously like them.

Well, it's... You kind of get sort of drawn into them.

It's not that they're enjoyable.

They're quite...nerve-wracking at times.

The slapping game just sounds like...

Cos you're just slapping people.

The game is that you do a shot, don't you?

And then, right after you take the shot,

-you get slapped in the face.

-Yeah.

So, wait a minute, do you buy the person the shot,

they drink it and then you slap them?

What are you talking about?

This is New Year, people are buying me drinks.

No. No, it's just... You pour it each and you both have one,

and you both get hit. Yeah.

Whoohoo! I know. I know.

-Fun!

-Although it did lead to employment for me, which was good.

-How did this happen?

-Remember that party we were at in San Diego,

-at Comic Con?

-Didn't you knock someone out there?

Shut up!

James is never coming on the show with Michael again.

Anyway... During the particular...

I've never felt less male in my life.

During the particular open-handed strike that you're talking about,

the director of the film that I'm on to talk about tonight, Split,

M Night Shyamalan, saw all that going down, and he was, like,

"Hey, that's the bald guy that I should get for my film."

And, so, he invited me over and was, like, "Hey, man, I like your style.

"Do you want to come and have a chat sometime?"

I was, like, "OK, cool. See you!"

Then we made a movie with each other,

-because of that moment.

-That's amazing!

Well, I can sort of see why because, actually, we should talk about it.

The new movie, Split, it opens on the 20th of January

and it's a terrific kind of creepy thriller,

and it does play into that lunatic you were in the bar that night.

-Right.

-Because you play a very complicated character.

No, I do. He's a guy who suffers from dissociative identity disorder,

so he has, within one body, 23 people share that body.

And during the film, as much as the advertising material says,

"James McAvoy will play 23 people!"

I don't. The character's got 23, I play nine.

That's still quite impressive when you think about it, OK?

I even said to the people at Universal,

"You might as well say James flies in this movie," and then I don't,

do you know what I mean?

Whatever. So...

part of it is that he has to take some young girls and...

and they are to, in some way, energise him.

So, it sounds really creepy and horrible.

-No, it is.

-And it is, but it's also really funny as well.

I don't know if you'll use one of the funny bits or the creepy bits,

but it is quite daft and funny at times as well,

which I'm quite proud of, really.

Cos it's always good fun to do that, sort of, like, it's creepy,

it's scary, you think everybody's going to die,

and then you go "Wakawakawaka," at the same time. I quite like that.

Do you get more money

-for playing someone with multiple personality disorder?

-I actually...

Cos they're getting nine characters out of you for the same money.

Yes, yeah.

You do nine times the amount of work for just not very much pay, but...

Don't get me wrong, it was nice pay.

You know, it was a very low budget film, but it was still nice pay.

But, yeah, you've got nine times the amount of characters to build

in the same amount of time it usually takes you

to struggle to make one. So there was times where I was really worried

and there was times where I was a bit scared, but, yeah,

the director's an amazing director, and he's one of the most...

sort of clued up on his own stuff that I've ever worked with,

so that was actually really helpful.

We've got a clip. This is you as Barry, the fashion designer,

-talking to your psychiatrist.

-Right.

Who are you?

Barry.

I don't think you are.

I've developed a nose for sensing

whom I'm talking to and whom I'm not.

Have I done something?

You've e-mailed for an unscheduled appointment

two days in a row.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

Garden variety issues.

I think Orwell or Jade or Samuel or Heinrich had the light for a moment

and e-mailed me, and you're here to tell me everything's OK.

I e-mailed you.

May I talk to one of them, please?

That can't happen.

Good. Good.

I can't wait to see that, man.

Actors talk about, you know, taking their characters home with them,

so in a movie like this, is that worse or better?

Because you can't take them all home.

It's worse. It's worse, it's worse.

Luckily, weirdly, I was playing a guy that, essentially,

is 24 guys and a couple of them want to do terrible things to people.

And I was able to just go home and watch cartoons with my kid

and be all right, which is weird. It says a lot about me, I think.

The only time I've ever had trouble - and you guys might have something to say on this -

the only time I've ever had trouble in my entire career

was when I played Macbeth on stage and people said

that I was pretty, um...

I wasn't my usual self and I wasn't necessarily much fun

to be around when I came home.

Because when you won the Oscar, Marion, for Edith Piaf,

in La Vie En Rose - which is an amazing performance -

but I've heard you in interviews talking about...

which seems like that was a character you couldn't shake.

Yeah, that was the first time I had trouble getting...

rid of her,

which I was very ashamed of, I have to say,

because I thought, "It's a job, I'm an actress,

"I shouldn't be affected by any of my roles,"

but I had spent six months, more than six months with her

and I really entered another dimension.

I didn't see my friends and family for this amount of time

because when I would see them,

they would find me weird and I didn't like it.

Well, first of all I was weird because I was shaved,

my eyebrows were shaved and my hair was shaved

but, yeah, it took me a while to just...

because the thing, when you do a movie,

you spend a lot of time with this person

you fell in love with, in a way, and then the last cut...

is... I mean, you'll never share, you know, your life

with this person any more.

So, sometimes it can be kind of brutal, but...

but I'm fine now.

LAUGHTER

Not to traumatise you, but watching the movie,

it is unbelievable that it's not you singing,

that you lip-synced everything.

That was the hardest part of the preparation, actually.

It's very technical, it's super-boring.

One part was not that boring,

because I wanted to take singing lessons,

even though I wouldn't sing, but I needed to learn her technique

and I wanted to learn how to position my tongue,

how to position myself,

the breathing and everything, because it had to be realistic.

If you don't believe I'm singing,

then you can throw the movie in the garbage.

I mean, it's pretty horrible.

Can I say, I'm gutted.

I absolutely thought it was you singing in the movie.

It's so convincing.

I cried so much at that film.

It's a really good film.

And then Graham asked hopefully, can you still do the lip-syncing?

-I don't know.

-If we play a bit, do you think you can do it?

Oh, shit!

It's in French, what will we know?

I know, but I had, I had...

because...my teeth,

I mean, the teeth I have in the movie, you know, I wore this...

I don't know how you call it - "dentiers", the teeth thing.

-Yes. Dentures.

-I had...den..?

-Dentures.

-Dentures.

Wallies.

-What?

-We would call them wallies up the road.

-Wallies?

-Wallies.

Not wollies, wallies.

-Wallies.

-Wallies, wallies.

Wallies.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't understand that!

If we play a bit and you try it, if it's terrible, we'll cut it out

and if it's marvellous, we'll all clap and cheer.

-MICHAEL:

-Perfect.

It's like the roly-poly.

APPLAUSE

Come on!

-It's...

-The thing is...

-OK...

You know there's a whole physicality that comes with it

and...and...I'm pregnant.

Are you standing or sitting? Sitting, sitting.

-Oh, no, I will sit.

-Sit? OK.

-Are you kidding?

Already, already seated.

-It's like, "Ooh-hoo!"

-I think what we've got lined up

is towards the end of Je Ne Regrette Rien.

-OK.

-Can I have a vodka?

-No, you can't.

-Yeah, shall we all do a shot?

-No, I can't!

OK, roll it, roll it, there. Roll it.

# ..ca m'est bien egale

# Non, rien de rien

# Non, je ne regrette rien

# Car ma vie

# Car mes joies

# Aujourd'hui

# Ca commence avec toi. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

That was so good!

It's so weird.

-That was so good.

-It was so weird.

You know, because this face, I mean, it's...

-Oh, that was so weird.

-But you could see it in your eyes and everything.

-It was fabulous. That was really good.

-I've actually...

I've gone a bit. I'll be honest. I really have.

-I honestly...

-He's got glassy eyes!

-I honestly have. That was beautiful.

-It was amazing.

-I love Edith Piaf.

I have a signed record of Edith Piaf on my wall.

I went to her grave in Paris to put flowers on her grave.

-Oh, wow!

-I think she's amazing.

So, that was... I am actually a little bit teary.

-All right...

-Thank you.

Thank you!

Frank Skinner is back with a new season of Room 101.

It returns to BBC on Friday nights, it starts on the 13th of January -

and presumably it's a winning formula.

You're not going to change it. It's the same formula.

No, this is series six of this particular form of it

so, no, it does well, so we're milking it.

Just in case, Marion, do you know what Room 101 is?

I've heard about it.

-So you know that it's...

-It's pretty cool.

-It is.

-You pick things you hate and then I put them in a vault

-if you argue your case well.

-Yeah! Amazing.

What are some of the things that go in Room 101 this time?

Catherine Tate chose minimiser bras, which I...

-No, who knew?

-Anyone?

I didn't know they... I actually wear minimiser pants.

The idea is if a woman has got... tout le monde sur le balcon...

LAUGHTER

-I know that's an approximation.

-It's still wrong.

She can wear something that squeezes all that in and redistributes.

It's a sort of Communist theory. Re...

Redistribution of wealth.

So, it gives you, like, a...

it gets rid of your back ripples and everything.

It just moves... It moves stuff about.

And did that go in Room 101 or not?

I... No, I fought it, I think.

Nigel Havers wanted to put Christmas in.

-THEY GASP

-Oh, wow!

But, you know - Havers gotta hate.

MUTED LAUGHTER

Mate, that was better than that.

I know, you get used to it.

Obviously Room 101 is very popular - but you did...

This is terrible. You did have an incident at a charity event.

Yes, what I did was, I...

It was a very good cause, and I put up four tickets

to come and see the recording of Room 101,

and the auctioneer said, "Right, let's start at £1,000.

"Come on, £1,000.

"Come on." Now, when the auctioneer is saying, "Come on"...

..the first bid - and then I realised

the horror of putting something up that no-one wants.

No!

Anyway, somebody did, to be fair,

they eventually did pay £1,000, with a lot of moral blackmail,

so I sort of felt OK.

And then afterwards, a guy came up to me and said,

"That was terrible with the tickets."

I said, "Yeah." He said, "Just...

"don't feel bad about it. A lot of these people,

"they weren't living here in the '90s,

"so they don't know who you are."

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

LAUGHTER

That is so tough.

A woman came up to me and said, "My husband, he loves you,

"can I have a photo?" I said, you know, "Sure."

So I did the photo. She said, "He loves you."

She said, "I'm not interested in cars."

And I thought, it's one of the Top Gear, but which...?

And then her mate said, "What are you taking a picture of him for?"

"And she said, "You know, Top Gear."

She said, "No, he's that comedian bloke,"

and she actually deleted it in front of me.

LAUGHTER

She... She could have kept that just for the anecdote, you know?

And it was that, "Lose that..."

Wasn't even going to tell her husband it had happened.

I'll tell you what, we've got a taste of the new series

of Room 101. Here it is.

Taylor Swift,

her legs are insured for £26.5 million.

-Is this true?

-Yes.

-Who's... Who's doing it?

-Well...

Who do you ring?

I don't think her legs are any better than my legs.

Honestly, I think my legs are that good.

Yeah - can we see them?

There's Taylor Swift. Here's me.

I think, arguably, my legs are better than hers.

-They're not your legs.

-They are my legs!

-I swear to you.

-They're so shiny.

-I know, well, I've oiled them.

-You've oiled them?!

If you cover the top half up, it's really...

I don't know what I'm thinking any more, Frank.

On the left, those legs are 26.5 million quid's worth.

What are mine worth? Nothing.

Have you put the pants over the top of the lace thing?

That is a border for my pants.

Oh, wow! OK, it's a slightly different garment.

I'm glad... Not many people would look at that

and talk about the pants.

APPLAUSE

Good!

When I look at that picture,

I can't help thinking that if that was someone else's legs

that was female, I'd find it slightly arousing...

..and that's weird that it's my legs.

It makes me think that if I was, you know, on a desert island,

I could just look at my own legs a lot.

Yeah. Well, you could.

Just put some high heels on and look down.

-There you go. Yeah.

-You don't want to be rescued, though.

The explaining you have to do to the rescuers.

Listen, very quickly,

your other show which is starting on the 24th of January, 8pm on Sky.

It's the Portrait Artist Of The Year.

-So, Landscape is done.

-On Sky Arts.

I presented with Baroness Joan Bakewell.

I wish I had a story about us wrestling behind the scenes

-or doing weights.

-Doing shots and slapping each other.

It's an amazing programme.

Celebrities come and get painted by our artists

and they get four hours to paint these people

and they produce the most brilliant stuff.

It's absolutely amazing.

And I love... I love it.

I love watching them paint, and I love...

You get a chance to really stare at the celebrities.

You know? They sit there, and you...

Cos, I mean, I would love, now, to just take ten minutes out

and really stare at you guys, but...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

..but...

but you can do it on this show.

And the prize is that the winner,

the one who, after all the heats and stuff, wins,

gets a £10,000 commission to paint a much beloved person

and that then hangs...

On this occasion, it hangs in the National Gallery of Ireland.

So, they're actually moving a Vermeer to put this painting in.

So it's a really big serious thing.

And can I tell you that the person who's going to be hanging

in the National Gallery of Ireland is Graham Norton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is that not supposed to be a secret, Frank?

I am revealing it...

We can't say who won it,

but a person who won it went and painted...

-Painted me, yeah.

-Mm.

I haven't seen it yet, so... Yeah, I'm smiling now.

Is it a nude?

Yes, it's a nude. Yeah.

Vermeer won, so I was really lucky.

Now, talking of portraits,

we've talked about this on the show before.

James and Michael - I don't know if you know this, Marion -

but James and Michael, for some reason,

they inspire a lot of fan art.

I'm really curious. I'm curious to see how it evolved from that.

-Well, it hasn't evolved a lot.

-Oh.

We're just... For the end of the year,

we thought we're going to make a bit of fan art with James and Michael.

But just to remind ourselves of the quality we're aiming for,

here are some examples. I think we've shown these before.

This is just a lovely one.

Just in case you're confused, Marion,

that's Michael, that's James.

-Yeah.

-Michael looks like he's put poison in that cherry.

You will notice a theme in the pictures, Marion.

So, there is James and Michael.

Here they are, funnily enough, they're on a balcony.

-Lovely.

-Oh, yeah.

Am I blowing bubbles?

For the moment.

And then the classic James and Michael in the kitchen.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yes.

I remember that one.

I'm going, "Michael, will you go for a brownie or a fairy cake?"

So, we threw this out to the audience

to see what scenarios they would like to see the two of you in.

-Right.

-So, where is Victoria Godfrey?

There's Victoria. Look at Victoria!

Now, look at Victoria.

She's lovely, she's wearing a necklace, she's got a nice top on.

This is what she wants to see.

She shut her eyes and thought, "This is what I want to see.

"I want to see Michael entering an aeroplane toilet

"and turning around with a wink

"and James following behind with a coy McAvoy smile."

That's what she wants to see.

-Can I ask something?

-Yeah.

As soon as...

-What's your name again?

-Victoria.

Victoria as soon as you see this and you've revealed your secret,

Victoria's secret...

What?

Look, quite often guys are like,

"Oh, I'd love to watch two women go at it,"

and all that kind of stuff, and then when I've say to women,

"Would you like to see two guys go at it?" they're all like, "No!"

But you've bucked the trend.

Is that actually something women ever actually want to see

but just won't ever tell me?

That they actually want to see two guys go at it?

-Just you two.

-Just you two.

-OK.

-It's not generic. OK.

If myself and Frank go at it, I don't think the audience...

LAUGHTER

Where is Naomi Higgs?

There's Naomi Higgs. Now, Naomi Higgs,

we asked you for an idea for some artwork.

She began to type and couldn't stop.

This is all from her. "Michael loves to exercise."

We know that's true. "However, James likes to eat cake.

"Michael is getting a little tired of James being so lazy.

"He's even starting to get a little fat,

"so Michael decides to sign James up to a Zumba class."

Oh! I'm in, I'm in.

"James rocks up in the most ridiculous outfit Michael has ever seen.

"That's the last time Michael will ask James to exercise."

APPLAUSE She wrote that down.

Where's Matthew Rouse? Where's Matthew? There's Matthew.

Now, Matthew thought long and hard about it.

Matthew would like to see the two of you

like apes picking and eating fleas off one another's backs.

-And spooning.

-Oh, and spooning.

Of course. Where is Peter Imbong?

There's Peter Imbong. Peter would like to see James and Michael

-on a tandem bike.

-Aww!

-Nice. That's lovely, it's romantic,

-it's lovely.

-Working together.

-Working together, yes, yes.

-Pushing hard.

-I like the gorillas.

Maybe the gorillas on the bike.

Yes! Yes, you can pick fleas off each other on the bike.

-Yeah.

-Perfect.

Maybe we were driving through fog, so you can do gorillas in the mist.

I love... I like it.

APPLAUSE

It was high concept.

It was high concept. We've got a tandem bike,

so if you bring in the green screen,

we'll put you on the streets of Paris.

-OK.

-Oh, Christ almighty.

If you go over to the bike, the two of you...

and I think, for once, James should be at the back.

There you go.

There is a theme about it. You're never at the back in the fan art.

-OK.

-We talked about this last time.

-I know. Hang on...

What is this? Why has Michael got a scarf coming out of his arse?

Oh, because you put the scarves on, and so it looks like...

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-It looks like you're going fast.

-That's right.

You see? You wind the scarves round.

Hang on.

There you go.

There you go, lovely. Lovely, lovely.

OK, OK. So...

Oh... Oh, Jesus!

APPLAUSE

OK, so, can we have a romantic background now, please?

-Oh, that's cool. Look!

-Oh!

-That's fabulous. Look at this.

Let's make it romantic.

OK, and now be cycling.

Pretend to be cycling, but don't actually cycle.

Take a picture, take a picture.

Beautiful. Well done. Very good!

Oh, we did it, we did it. APPLAUSE

Yeah, you're good, you're good. Put them down there. Sit down.

Thank you very much for doing that!

That was a disaster.

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

By the way, the people who do this fan art

just love it when we show it on the show.

(No, they don't.)

What does it matter? They're out tonight.

They'll be at parties.

(No, they won't.)

Right, it is New Year's Eve, and looking back,

there have been - there have - been some good things this year.

There have! Including, of course, the Rio Olympics.

I mean, Britain had its best Olympics ever,

so well done to Team GB -

but for me and lots of other people,

it was two young Irish guys who really stole the Olympics.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

They won silver for rowing,

and you've probably seen this, but in case you haven't,

here they are reacting to their win.

Lads, listen, Paul, what has the last few hours been like for you?

Erm... I've been shook enough now, to be honest, since the race thing,

a bit tired now and the legs are like jelly

but, um...yeah, I suppose we did a bit of celebrating,

and did the podium thing

and got to put on the podium pants, as well, so it was quite nice,

and...saw the mother and the father and a few other people

and took a few pictures and that.

Then I had to go and do this doping control thing,

so I was there for an hour or two

trying to pee then into a cup for them.

There was about ten litres of water as well, so...

It's full up now, to be honest.

Gary, it's, like, great craic, though, isn't it?

He's been busy there.

I was running around having a great time

signing photographs and autographs and taking pictures,

and it was all well and good, you know?

We'll be fairly tired now.

-We haven't had a bite to eat since two hours...

-After the weigh-in.

..after the weigh-in. We had a bread roll with some nutella,

and I'm fairly hungry now,

but I believe they're on their way with some pizzas for us.

APPLAUSE Very good.

They're here tonight!

Please welcome Gary and Paul O'Donovan.

Just shove down a bit that way.

Here they are. Hello!

Come in. Hello, lovely to see you.

-Come and sit down there now.

-Thank you, Graham.

There you go.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Very good.

Welcome, Gary and Paul.

Congratulations.

That's fantastic. Did you bring your medals with you?

-No.

-Yeah.

-You did? Oh, I thought you'd be wearing them.

Oh, no, they're just casually in the back pocket.

-There you go.

-Look at that. These are proper Olympic medals.

Wow. Marion, have you seen an Olympic medal?

Seen some action, there.

I actually did, yeah.

Cos the French lads beat us.

-Oh, was it the French people beat you?

-Yeah.

Oh, the French got the gold.

AUDIENCE: Oohh...

Is there anyone in Ireland who hasn't seen those medals?

They look like they've been round the block, those medals.

They're fairly tattered, yeah.

Of course, Michael, down in Killarney,

word must have reached you of the O'Donovan brothers.

-KERRY ACCENT:

-Oh, for sure. I mean, I wasn't in Killarney at the time

but everybody knew about it, that's for sure, yeah.

Marion, watching that clip, could you understand the accent?

Nothing, not a word.

I understood "since".

Just that word.

You were on the movie set with Michael with his thick Kerry accent!

Listen, people loved the interviews you did during the Olympics,

but you guys knew you were being funny while doing the interviews.

I don't know, I mean...

I think it was funny because they were being themselves.

Yeah.

-Well, to be fair, we weren't trying to be serious, like, but...

-Yeah.

-It just...

-It just kind of happened that way, like.

You did seem very happy to be in Rio.

I was quite serious about the whole situation, though,

-and everything we told was the truth, like.

-Yeah!

You have to understand, like,

people ask us these questions all the time after races.

It just so happened that they put a camera in front of us in Rio.

And also, you won a silver medal,

-so suddenly everyone was interested.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

The great thing is, Ireland has never won any medal

-in rowing before, have they?

-Well...

-Not at the Olympics.

They've a few World Championship titles, right,

but it's the first Olympic medal, yeah. Whoohoo!

AUDIENCE CHEERS Very good.

And the interview where you talked about your approach to the race,

the phrases you used in that -

so, explain to people what you said in that.

-Do you know which one?

-Which one?

-What did we say?

-About going A to B as fast as you can.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

It is a fairly simple sport, like.

There's a start line and a finish line.

Don't complicate things, like.

People do complicate it, like.

Your man says "go" at the start, and there's a hooter at the finish,

and if you can get from "go" to the hooter,

-then...

-No bullshit, like.

-Yeah.

And then this thing about closing your eyes and pull like a dog.

-Yeah.

-That phrase, who came up with that?

-That was Paul.

-That was mine, yeah.

-Is "pull like a dog" - is that a phrase?

-No!

It is now, apparently!

It's everywhere now in Ireland.

-Yeah.

-It is.

-Like, you'll be walking down the street, there,

in Dublin or somewhere,

and a fella would shout across the road, like, "Pull like a dog."

-"Pull like a dog," yeah.

-The best ever!

Lads will be encouraging inside a nightclub,

"Close your eyes and pull like a dog."

Have you ever had a member of your desired sex

tell you to pull like a dog?

LAUGHTER

The questions are getting harder now.

But... But wasn't there a guy that came up to you in a...?

That's right. Some fella came up to Paul inside a nightclub

-in Skibbereen, like, and he had a...

-Oh, a tattoo, yeah!

Like proper ink tattoo, like,

across his full forearm saying, "Pull like a dog".

-Wow.

-I was like, that was nuts, like.

He may live to regret that.

Probably wanking away, there.

Marion, it's just as well, it's just as well.

You're missing nothing.

So, now, we've got a picture of you.

-This is the day you came back to Skibbereen.

-Yeah.

So, like, an amazing...

APPLAUSE

-Incredible.

-Oh, it was incredible.

-Unbelievable, yeah.

Because if you haven't been to Skibbereen -

a lot of people won't have been to Skibbereen - it's not a big town.

-How many people?

-It's a small little town.

The population is about 1,500 people,

and they were saying there was about 15,000 turned up to the homecoming.

The town was crazy, like, yeah.

And presumably, you're never going to have to buy a drink again.

Ah, it depends, like...

At home, we're the same two fellas, like, down in Skibbereen,

and they've no respect for anything down there, like.

A silver medal's nothing to them. God almighty.

Yeah, no, we get charged away in Skibbereen. It's no problem.

I suppose because, you know, sport, there's a lot of discipline,

a lot of training,

and now there's all the fun side of things,

you know, travelling around,

people are recognising you and coming up to you in nightclubs...

-The Graham Norton Show, that kind of stuff.

-Exactly.

So is it going to be harder to get back in the boat?

No, it's the same.

Like, you just put the boat down in the water and sit in it, you know?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There might be fans blocking the way sometimes,

but we just ask them to move out the way, and...

Please and thanks and all that.

Frank, do you row?

I did row recently. I...

Not... I mean, in a rowing boat.

I crashed into the side of a swimming pool...

-Where the hell were you rowing?

-With four...

It was a very posh hotel, and...

The people, you know the way posh people look posh

even in swimming costumes, you just know, before they speak.

I said, "Can you help me, please? I'm stuck."

And they just looked...

They were literally too posh to push.

I was stranded there and I couldn't work out...

I really would have needed you guys.

-Well, they're here now.

-In the end, a man threw me a rope.

We had life jackets on, me and my son.

I mean, the water was this deep.

-I'm just going to give them the opposite end of rowing.

-Yeah.

Another side to it.

-What's the story now...?

-Cool story, bro.

The reviews are in.

Guys, guys, guys, try and be funny for your entire life

and then, and then give him shit.

I've been shot down by a rower.

-JAMES:

-Oh, there's a leak in your boat, pal.

They weren't around in the '90s.

APPLAUSE

Now, here's the thing.

So, your fame has gone all around the world

and you guys have probably seen this,

I'm sure somebody has shown you this,

but I don't think these people will have seen it.

There's a video of children in Thailand...

-Have you seen this video?

-Yeah.

So, there's children in Thailand singing a special tribute...

-Have you seen it?

-No.

This is incredible.

It's quite bonkers, it's quite bonkers, this,

but it's kids in Thailand singing a special tribute

-to the two of you and your Irish canoe.

-Canoe, yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's crazy.

All right, it is time for our musical performance

and we are ending 2016 with something really special.

These guys have been selling out arena shows

with their classic mix of club anthems with orchestral strings.

Here, performing right here, right now and Lola's Theme,

please welcome Pete Tong and the Heritage Orchestra.

# Right here, right now

# Right here, right now Right here, right now

# Right here, right now

# Right here, right now Right here, right now

# Right here, right now

# Right here, right now

# Ooh, yeah

# Looking back

# I know I was walking around in disguise

# It's a fact

# I was just a lost soul I needed a guide

# And the moment that you came to change my life

# Looking back together, yeah

# You fired up my heart and made me smile

# And you and I know that

# I'm a different person

# Yeah

# Turn my world around

# I'm a different person

# Yeah

# Turn my world around

# I'm a different person

# Yeah

# Turn my world around... #

Come on, guys!

# Like a little piece of heaven finally found

# Looking back together, yeah

# You rebuilt my heart up from the ground

# And you and I know, baby

# I'm a different person

# Yeah

# Turn my world around

# I'm a different person

# Yeah

# Turn my world around

# Turn my world around

# I'm a different person

# Yeah

-# Turn my world around

-Yeah, yeah

# Turn my world around

# I'm a different person

# Yeah

# Turn my world around

# World around, yeah

# World around, yeah World around, yeah

# World around, yeah

# World around. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Absolutely amazing.

Pete Tong, come and join us -

and let's hear it for the Heritage Orchestra.

Cookie on vocals, there, and Jules Buckley, the conductor.

Hello, sir, come and have a seat. Do sit down.

How are you?

That is... It's just brilliant, Pete.

-It really is. Yes, hello, hello. That's Pete Tong.

-Hello, hello.

-That's who that is.

-How are you?

-Listen, it's fantastic,

and that is obviously off the album, Classic House, which is out now.

And it's one of those things, I was saying to Frank,

you think, "Will this work?" But it's just brilliant.

Yeah, we got asked to do a prom in 2015

and it got to the end of the night and we were backstage

and looking at each other thinking, "What shall we do now?"

It kind of went viral after that for a couple of weeks

and there was this huge groundswell of demand for us to do it again.

We've just completed three sell-out arena shows,

and it's been the craziest thing I've ever done in my life.

But you now - you're selling tickets for, is it next December?

Yeah, then everyone was going, like, "Why can't we go?"

So we've already put next Christmas on sale

which sounds absolutely crazy.

-Wow!

-It's mad, isn't it?

And what happens back there?

-I mean... In your bit.

-Well, we make...

LAUGHTER

A lot of clapping.

-A lot of looking enthusiastic.

-"Whay!"

Aren't they brilliant? No, I'm kind of firing in bits of production

and stuff we did in the studio

that isn't made by violins and horns and stuff like that.

-Beautifully done, it is.

-We love it, we love it.

And the album is just great. Pete Tong. APPLAUSE

Very quickly,

it's almost time for us to pass you over to the fireworks

and the bells, but before we do,

just time for our final visit of the year

to the big red chair. Who's there?

-Hello.

-Hi!

LAUGHTER

It could be a great story.

-What's your name, sir?

-It's Lewis.

Lewis, lovely. And what do you do, Lewis?

I work in acquisitions for a film and TV company.

Well, now, somebody's doing that.

It's him.

Off you go with your story, Lewis.

So, when I was a bit younger,

I was on my way to my friend's birthday party

and that week I had just been dumped by my girlfriend,

so I was quite upset,

but my friend assured me that this would be the exact thing

I needed to take my mind off it.

So I get there, I drink too much and I pass out in the garden.

A couple of hours later,

I stumble upstairs and I pass out in the bedroom on the coats.

And a couple of hours later go by

and my friend just starts nudging me,

at least I thought he was nudging me,

but my head is spinning, so I open my eyes

and my friend is on top of me having sex with a girl from the party.

We went as far as we needed to go with that story.

How was he on top of him and she...?

Where was she in the equation?

We'll get someone from fan art to explain it to you.

That would help. That would definitely help.

OK, one more, one more, OK, this is it.

This is the last one.

-Hello.

-Hello!

-Hi, what's your name?

-Alexandra.

Alexandra, and where are you from, Alexandra?

-London.

-London, London, the capital.

-And what do you do?

-I'm a lawyer.

Oh, that's fine. What sort of law?

-Commercial property.

-Commercial property.

Sure, it hurts no-one. Off you go with your story.

OK, so, primary school, history week,

I had forgotten to tell my mother that I needed a costume

for the fancy dress competition.

She was pretty cross, you know, night before,

running around trying to cobble something together.

Next morning, I find myself dressed in my dad's brown shirt,

a pair of shorts of my brother,

my hair scraped back off my head

and my mother is drawing something on my face with eyeliner.

A couple of hours later, I'm going down a catwalk...

finding all the teachers sniggering at me

and I have absolutely no idea who I am.

It turns out that my mother thought it would be a great idea

to send her seven-year-old daughter to history week at school

dressed as Adolf Hitler.

APPLAUSE

-Walk.

-I think so.

-I'd walk her.

-You walk.

Nicely, walk nicely.

Well done!

And, of course, if you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in that big red chair, you can.

Go via our website at this very address.

That is it for tonight -

and, indeed, for this year.

Please say thank you to all my guests tonight.

Pete Tong...

APPLAUSE

The O'Donovan brothers...

Frank Skinner...

James McAvoy...

..Marion Cotillard...

and Mr Michael Fassbender.

We are back on Friday 6th of January with a red chair special.

You asked for it, you got it.

Until then, have a very happy New Year.

Goodnight everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Er...now, can I just say...

Those boys went all the way to Rio.

They've just left their medals on the table.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HE CHUCKLES

I'll make sure they get them sent.