Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

-Good evening, I'm Goldie Hawn!

-And I'm Amy Schumer!

-BOTH:

-Welcome to The Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE Oh!

Oh... Yes!

WHISTLING Oh, yeah!

Yes!

Oh!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Hello, good evening, you're very welcome.

Great show tonight.

Yes, Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn are going to be on that sofa!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Woohoo!

Excellent. Sitting alongside them,

we've got pirate of the Caribbean Orlando Bloom...

APPLAUSE

And from Star Wars, it's only John Boyega, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

Good, right? Yeah.

Woohoo! They're excited now. Hey!

Only six weeks to go till the election. Can you believe it?

It's really flying by, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

On Wednesday, Theresa May held her last Prime Minister's Questions.

Well, for the time being.

Er... Theresa said she was a strong and stable leader of

a strong and stable party, who would fight a strong and stable...

We get it, "strong and stable". There's a new drinking game,

every time she says "strong and stable",

you take a sip of your drink.

Here's someone after Prime Minister's Questions.

LAUGHTER

Good game, good game.

Meanwhile, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron is very happy with how things

have been going lately.

LAUGHTER

That is Tim Farron, just in case. Er...

Do you know what? He could do well in the election because,

you know, he's got those film star looks, hasn't he?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Backing policies on gay sex, Tim. Er...

Yes, for seven days, Tim refused to answer the question,

is gay sex a sin? Mm-hm.

According to his spokesman,

it took Tim a week to find a position he was comfortable with.

LAUGHTER

We've all been there, Tim. We've all been there.

Hey! Mon Dieu!

Election fever has hit France, as well. Yeah.

We're into our election, I was talking about the French one.

The French elections, come on, they've got everything,

excitement, forbidden love affairs, good-looking people.

Oh, and Marine Le Pen's in it, as well.

Marine Le Pen.

That's a woman, not one of those biros that writes underwater.

LAUGHTER

Marine Le Pen!

Write it down, it's yours. LAUGHTER

The favourite to win, ladies and gentlemen, is Emmanuel Macron.

He's 39, his wife Brigitte is 64

and used to be his high school teacher.

I mean, it couldn't be more French, could it?

The whole thing smells of cheese. LAUGHTER

It's fantastic he's with an older woman.

Could you imagine Donald Trump doing that?

He's never even met a woman in her 60s.

No, I'm lying, ladies and gentlemen.

He has met one - and he absolutely loved it.

Oh... LAUGHTER

So comfortable.

"I can't look at you, you're too old."

LAUGHTER

And by the way, congratulations to Donald

on reaching his first 100 days in power.

I wonder how many of those policies for making America great

he's actually achieved.

LAUGHTER Yeah, that's right.

Let's get some guests on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later, there'll be some flag-waving as we hear the UK's entry

for this year's Eurovision Song Contest. Lucie Jones, everybody.

WHOOPING Yeah. Cheer her.

But first, he's the Peckham boy, became a global superstar

as Finn in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Now he takes to the stage in Woyzeck at the Old Vic.

It's John Boyega!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo!

Hello! Yeah...

-This way...

-Good to see you again.

-Really good to see you.

-Thank you.

-That's John Boyega.

He's in Star Wars! Yeah!

He's thrilled us as Legolas in Lord of the Rings

and Will Turner in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Now he's starring in action movie Unlocked.

Please welcome Orlando Bloom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

So good to see you.

Have a seat, do!

-Good to see you.

-Whoo!

Now, these two women represent the very best of comedy.

One is the breakout star of Trainwreck,

the other is the Oscar-winning star of Private Benjamin

and The First Wives Club - and a true Hollywood trailblazer.

Now they're together in the new comedy Snatched.

Please welcome Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh!

Whoo!

Beautifully done! Beautifully done!

Hello!

Lovely to see you. Hello, darling.

-Mwah, mwah!

-Kiss the others, kiss the others.

Kiss him, kiss him.

-Good to see you. Mwah. Mwah.

-Lovely.

Aw...

LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING

-All right.

-Oh, sorry. OK.

-Oh, yeah. More. Mwah...

-Oh, it's so...

-Oh, it's so fun!

-Isn't this fun?

-I'm being rude, I'm being rude.

-Oh, look.

-We get to drink everything.

-THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Cheers, to you, the audience.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Cheers, all.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Whoo! Whoo!

-Graham...

-Oh, I'm wined.

-Are you wined, darling?

-Yeah, yeah.

-This wine is so good, by the way, thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Mmm.

-Is it...white?

-Yeah.

-Oh...

-LAUGHTER

This is, er...

-White.

-That's...

-That's also white.

-Yeah.

-Can we just thank you?

-That's a dark white.

We're having so much fun in London and I just like...

-I just love the people here.

-Yeah.

-And we went, we went to...

You can go to where they filmed the Harry Potter movies,

-like you can see the sets.

-Yeah.

And did you know for just an extra 100, they let you...

-BLEEP

-..Daniel Radcliffe?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Wow.

-Can you believe it?

-He's...

-Oh, my God...

He's so dedicated.

He so, like wants to give you the experience, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Who knew? Who knew?

One day that could be you, John, in Star Wars World.

LAUGHTER

But now, when we research guests - you know,

I get briefing notes on the guests - I nearly fell off my chair

when I read that John Boyega recently spent time in Orlando.

LAUGHTER

We had a great time.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

How long were you there, John?

Er, for about a second.

Erm... No, it was great, I went out to Orlando

for Star Wars Celebration.

If you haven't heard about Star Wars, it's a film... Forget it.

I went out there just to meet some fans and just to have a great

time and I was just doing some photobombing, just to show myself.

You say that like, you know, "I'm in Star Wars",

is it still like the coolest thing in the world...?

That's the only way I introduce myself.

"Hi, I'm John Boyega, I'm in Star Wars."

Just get straight to the point.

You do have amazing things happen to you,

like those pictures that were released of the set of Star Wars...

-Oh, yes.

-..where William and Harry came, there they all are.

That's Harry and William there.

-Yes.

-And we've got a picture of you chatting to..

I think you're chatting to...

What are you telling him? You look really animated.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, he's really tall, man. Bloody hell.

He's like one of the people from your movies.

-What are they? Orcs or something?

-Yeah, exactly.

You are really telling him something.

-Yeah, I don't know what I was telling him...

-I like, I like in the background,

Harry and Chewbacca swapping ginger hair care...

LAUGHTER ..ginger hair care tips.

"Is yours really dry?" "Yeah, mine's very dry."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh...

Now, movies, movies, movies.

Goldie and Amy, congratulations.

You have made a funny film. I was saying this to you backstage,

they're not easy to make - and you've made one.

-It's really, really funny.

-They're not that easy to make, actually.

-No.

-Yeah, so...

-Otherwise, there'd be way more funny films.

LAUGHTER

I don't need an insult to get a compliment, but I'll take it.

LAUGHTER

No, you've made two, they're both very funny. May the 19th, it opens.

It's called Snatched and it's, I suppose...

-We hate that picture.

-It's the worst picture.

Yeah, we don't like that picture.

-We took so many, many better pictures than that.

-So many.

What does that picture say?

I mean, we were just voted People Magazine's runners up,

-very far from the most beautiful people, but still...

-Right...

LAUGHTER

And that picture doesn't represent us.

LAUGHTER

Have you heard of People Magazine Most Beautiful Person?

-You must have been?

-Were you?

-Somewhere in there...

-ORLANDO:

-Me? No.

-You weren't?

-Oh.

-ORLANDO:

-Yes.

No, voting on the... You'd be on the list. LAUGHTER

-You've both been on the list.

-Yeah, I think so, yeah.

-Oh, my gosh.

-You definitely were.

-Can you put a word in for us?

I think, didn't he...? Last time you were on or something?

-Yeah, I was...

-And you've been on Peoples everywhere.

-No...

He doesn't even remember...

LAUGHTER

Back to the film, Amy.

-The film, I'm sorry.

-Yes, your funny film that you did make.

-Funny film.

-So you play mother and daughter, tell us more about it.

-I play the daughter.

-I play the mother.

LAUGHTER

And no other spoilers... No.

I suck at promoting movies, but, um... Yeah, we go on a...

I've an exotic vacation plan with my boyfriend, he dumps me and no-one

else will go with me, so I beg my mum to come,

and she's afraid of everything,

and everything happens that she's afraid of, basically.

Yes, cos you travel to... South America.

-You go to Ecuador, originally.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Ecuador.

It's not going to do much for tourism in Ecuador, is it?

No. No, and we're hoping to avoid that backlash.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, this is just... I mean, really, it's a movie where we vilify ourselves.

It really shows the ugly Americans who have

no other cultural knowledge.

Yeah, we make fun of ourselves.

Well, listen, we've got a clip.

This is when you've been in a spot of bother, you've got out of

a spot of bother and then you're trying to avoid a spot of bother.

-Yeah, that is exactly it.

-Yeah, this is it, this is it.

This is it.

-Hi.

-Hi. When does the next bus leave?

-Un autobus?

-Bus doesn't leave for about 36 hours.

-Oh, my God.

But I know a man who can take care of you.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm sure he could. Mm-hm, yeah.

-This is how sex slavery starts, honey.

-I'm so sorry.

Listen, no, you don't have to worry about them.

Those types of people want young, beautiful females. You're safe.

Well, yeah.

-That's good.

-OK, how dare you? Like, that is so rude.

-That's crazy.

-Well, honey...

-No, like, how dare you?

-That's my mother.

-Honey, have a peanut.

-OK, fine.

But if you think it would be safer for me to kind of like

go hide and then she meets your friend, who knows how to...

-No, I don't want you to do that.

-No, you're both safe.

-Really?

-Your goofy face will protect you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who wrote that?

Katie Dippold wrote the movie and then my sister and I rewrote it.

-Oh, nice.

-Goldie and I, yeah.

Did you guys improvise a bit on set?

That's honestly none of your business...

LAUGHTER

I feel pretty uncomfortable. Yeah, we knew we were doing...

But we knew who we were, so we could play around, yeah.

Did you improvise a lot on Star Wars?

No, no, no.

-I think that was your Bible, right?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Can't move off of that.

-Can't move off of that.

In the movie, you play mother and daughter and obviously

you get on, but do you get on in a kind of fun mum-daughter way,

or you're more like just regular friends?

-In the movie?

-No, in life.

-In life? Yeah, we talked about that.

I don't think it's...

-I don't feel age difference.

-Yeah.

-But I do feel,

many times I can feel like maternal, you know, which is normal.

-Yeah.

-And I think, I look at Amy and I watch her,

she could've been my daughter.

-Aw!

-From your lips.

LAUGHTER

-Could have been my daughter!

-Yeah, the love is real.

Would have been a troubled daughter,

it would have been someone I'd have had to deal with..

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-You could have made the grade, baby!

-That is true.

I would have loved to have come out of you. Can I say that?

-Is that OK?

-That is really good, yeah.

-That's a lovely thing to say.

-Yes!

-I am all rosy for that one.

-It would have been great.

It would have been like...

"There she is!"

-That is the sequel!

-Oh, my God!

"It's a...it's a..."

-"It is a Schumer!"

-"It's a...girl!"

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, my God.

-But you have hung out with Goldie's family, haven't you?

-Yeah.

Yeah. I have to tell you the other night about Kurt.

So I go over to their house the other night for dinner,

and Kurt answered the door and he was so sweet.

He just gave me the warmest hello.

He was like, "It is so great to finally meet you, I love you,

"Goldie loves you, I love you." It was so warm.

I was like, "Oh, my gosh, thank you, Kurt.

"We sat next to each other at the Golden Globes."

Um... He had no...

"I went to the Golden Globes?!"

I was like, "Oh, my God..."

No-one in this family remembers meeting me.

"You were in it, too, you know? You were part of it."

He was a part of the show, yeah.

But I love her family so much.

And they let me sneak in and hang out.

And we must congratulate you, Goldie,

because recently you marked your 34 years with Kurt.

-Kurt Russell and you, 34 years together.

-I did. Yeah.

-Oh, the audience... No! Too late!

-APPLAUSE

We're British.

I have to say, it's good it's lasted, because

one of the stories you have is you're not very good with break-ups.

Was it your first-ever break-up?

Yes, I was in love for the first time, and I was about 18.

And he said to me, "I don't want to put a gate around you.

"You have a big life." And I said...

-CRYING:

-"You're just a horse's ass.

"How could you do this to me?"

And he said, "You'll thank me."

And I hung up the phone. And I decided to sculpt his head.

LAUGHTER

So I took my clay and a picture of him

and I sculpted his head.

And it looked just like him.

I mean, honestly, I thought I might go to sculpting school.

-Every cloud...

-I had it on my mum's breadboard.

And I carried it around with me in my car.

And I sat there, and I had a little Volkswagen Bug.

I had to be careful, you know,

-when I was shifting to make sure it didn't fall over.

-Yes!

And basically, that was it. I used to carry him around with me.

-That's fine!

-And I showed him off.

-You dealt with the break-up in your own way.

-I did, I did.

Eventually his nose melted,

and I thought he wasn't that good-looking anyway,

so I just decided I was just going to move on, you know?

Go to New York, dance, who cares?

It's like the old saying -

there are other fish in the clay head you sculpt.

That's right, that's right.

-Oldest saying in the book, you know?

-It really is.

John, I don't know where you told this story, about you,

you went on a date... Was it in New York you went on this date?

Yeah, I went on a date in New York.

Now, bizarrely...

LAUGHTER

-Let me just drink this apple juice one second.

-You are so funny.

But this woman didn't know who you were?

Yes, and it was perfect because, you know, basically, I know Orlando,

and he gave me some advice before Star Wars 7 came out.

And his advice was, you know, try and secure, right?

Try and secure the love of your life before this stuff happens.

And I did and I'd done the whole process,

she didn't know what I did until we were driving through Times Square.

She goes, "What do you do for a living?"

Looked up, and I said, "That."

There was me with a saber...

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-Oh, my God.

-How surreal for that girl.

Yeah. I blocked her on my phone.

LAUGHTER

Was that the end of that?

Yeah, I mean, that picture in itself just affected

her kind of stance in the...

Once you see a guy with a huge saber, the thing is...

To get over it...what do you do?

-That's a power saw...

-Yeah.

Because, Orlando, that idea of people knowing who you were,

was it in a supermarket when you had the...?

Yeah, I was in a supermarket.

The first time that happened to me, where I was recognised by somebody,

yeah, it was before Lord Of The Rings had come out,

and I was like 23, or 22, or something.

But I was walking through a supermarket buying pasta.

And I'd done some press and stuff...

No, the first movie had come out - I correct myself.

This woman came up behind me - and it had only just released -

and she whispered into my ear, "Are you my elf?"

And I was like...

"No, I'm your garden gnome...

"Just buying some pasta."

Amy, have you noticed, are men... Have you noticed...

Can you remember, is there a difference

-how men are around you now and before?

-Yes! Isn't there, Amy?

No!

Honestly, like, comedy does not lead to dick - trust me.

That dress does, though.

Oh, my God, thank you so much. So nice.

I will live off that compliment for a year.

But honestly, for women, I don't think it really helps.

And guys are like, "I love a funny girl!"

And they are lying.

They love to hang with a funny girl,

but they're not like, "Oh, I can't wait to hit that."

-But, no...

-Goldie is different!

She's a supermodel and danced her whole life.

You can't compare that.

Well, I mean, really, you know, it's not exactly that way.

I never felt like I was like that - ever!

Really? My dad had a creepy obsession with her.

I was small breasted, I had skinny ankles,

my mouth was too big.

There were a lot of things that were wrong with me.

And my eyes didn't... Like, they were so far apart.

Even the most gorgeous women have these insecurities.

"Who sculpted this?!"

Exactly! I mean, like that, you know.

First dates, wow...

It's a crazy thing we were talking about.

What is the worst thing that happened on your date?

We talked about that.

And I forgot, but I threw up.

He tried to kiss me and it made me sick.

And I literally rolled down the window and I threw up.

I said, "I'm so sorry... but you made me sick."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was a bad moment.

Right, Orlando Bloom, your movie is Unlocked,

and it opens next Friday.

And it is one of those great espionage films

where you don't know who's good,

you don't know who's bad,

-and it goes at a real, kind of, lick, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

Tell us who you play and something about the film.

I play a guy called Jack.

It was written as a sort of straitlaced, MI5 guy,

but Michael Apted, who directed it,

was gracious enough to let me sort of play with the idea,

and I kind of created a bit more of

a ne'er-do-well, kind of wild card, mercurial character.

So he's sort of somebody who probably did some military service

and then probably did some time inside prison

and then comes out and is like a hired gun.

And I'm sort of there to seduce Noomi.

It's really a female Bond... Bourne, rather.

And Noomi Rapace plays that character.

She's amazing in the film.

And I kind of come in to sort of seduce her

and then try and get information from her.

Like, how?

Just sort of... Kind of like...

If you whisper, like, "I'm your elf."

Yeah, exactly!

I am your garden gnome.

So, Noomi is in it, you're in it, but it's one of those movies...

Michael Douglas. John Malkovich. Toni Collette.

-It's an amazing cast.

-It's a really good cast.

We shot it two years ago, but they actually...

The script was fantastic, but it needed some reworking at the end,

and when they came to editing, they realised they had to shoot it.

And getting Michael and Noomi's schedules together was tricky.

But it's actually coming out at a great time because

it's more relevant today than ever, actually. It's a little scary.

It's about a potential terror attack on London.

But it's been handled very sensitively, I'd say.

This clip is you and Noomi Rapace literally in action.

-Here you go.

-Ooh!

HE CHUCKLES

-Can I help you?

-Yeah, I'm looking for the gents.

-Behind you.

-Silly me. I'm a head-banger.

HE GROANS

Now...behave yourselves, all right? Both of you.

TRANSLATION:

TRANSLATION:

..CIA.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-That's how I seduce women now.

-OK, I'll take it!

Tray. Smash them over the head. Straight up against the wall.

You had me when I saw the man bun.

-Right?

-I liked that.

That fighting, is that nice to not be kind of swashbuckling,

swords, bows and arrows, actual just fisticuffs?

Fisticuffs is a bit of fun, actually. Yeah.

-Have you ever done that fighting before?

-Yeah, a couple of times.

"Oh, actually, yes, I have. Yeah, yeah..."

There was this guy out in the street outside the studio.

He was roughing up a grandma.

So I jumped him. No.

I have a couple of times, yeah, but, no, it was fun.

It's nice to get a bit muscular and dynamic.

But then... So there's fighting people,

-but you have got a very scary stunt in this film.

-Yeah, there was.

Actually, it was the scariest thing I've ever done,

and I've done a few scary stunts, but they had a 150 lb Rottweiler.

So, at the end of this...

Well, it doesn't ruin it, really, but I get attacked by a dog.

We were shooting it in Prague in a car park.

And they had this...

The animal handler sort of spoke OK English, but not great.

And I love dogs, love them.

But this dog turned up with a muzzle on it,

-like, frothing through the mouth.

-HE IMPERSONATES DOG

And I said, "So, how does this work?"

So I have a piece of cardboard under my jacket, or cardboard-like stuff,

and he was sort of like, "Yeah,

"and you're just going to present your arm, and the dog will clamp

"cos it has been taught to clamp to this part."

I was like, "Great."

So I started to do this, and he goes, "No, no, hand inside."

I was like, "What?!" I had to get my hand up inside.

And I'm just thinking...

You know, that was actually really terrifying,

to have 130 lb coming at you, just sheer muscle.

You just go, well, what do they say about working with kids and animals?

-Do it whenever you can!

-Always!

We were talking about animal handlers today on sets,

cos they are always so crazy.

It's just someone off to the side going, like, "Trixie! Trixie! Sit!"

And you're just like, "Oh, OK..."

On Overboard, we had, "Buster! Buster! Buster!"

And I was lying there, and Buster was, like, mauling me.

And he was trying to get Buster off of me.

But there were four dogs on me - not just Buster.

So Buster got, like, top billing.

Oh, my God. If it was unbelievable.

Can't believe you did that stunt yourself. That's crazy.

-It was scary.

-Why did you do it yourself, though?

Cos I kind of love doing that stuff.

It was a massive adrenaline rush.

By the way, Bird On A Wire, I did so many stunts with that, with Mel.

It scared the hell out of me.

And we were on buildings,

we were scaling these little things up on a high building

with a little rope, a little rope,

tied around the little thing.

And he's saying to me...

-AS MEL GIBSON:

-"It's all right, Goldie, you can do it.

"Come on, let's do it."

At the end of this, cos we did a lot of other stunts on that picture,

I did get my stuntman's jacket.

-ORLANDO:

-Did you?

-GOLDIE:

-I did!

And I tell you, I have that and the Academy Award.

It's all sitting next to each other.

Stuntman, Academy Award...

One kind of falls like that...

-On the Academy Award.

-I could put it on the...!

I got a stuntman's jacket, but in a different way.

LAUGHTER

John, did you get a stuntman's jacket?

I got a cap.

I do all my own stunts - I got a cap. It's fantastic.

These two get a jacket. These hot blondes.

John, you must say yes to all the stunts,

because, you know, it's all...

The movie I just done, I did all of them.

-I'm 25, I can do that.

-Oh!

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

-You and me!

-You and me!

-Right here!

"When you're 25..."

I'm just trying to do it while I can.

I don't think I'd do it for ever, though.

Honestly, that's why I pulled my tit out in this movie.

You do, you get real tit in the movie.

Before, they were on the floor. I thought, "Let's bring 'em out."

Lovely. Something you can look back on. It'll be nice.

Or look down on.

And very quickly, we must also mention - this is exciting -

you are returning to Pirates Of The Caribbean, as Will Turner.

It's Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's out on 26th May.

Here's the thing, you're clapping now, you think, "Oh, that's great."

I'm about to depress you.

It's been ten years since you were in Pirates Of The Caribbean.

-It's crazy, isn't it? Ten years.

-That is nuts.

-You'd never believe it, would you?

-No!

-No! Really wouldn't!

..to be away from your passion project that long?

I have missed it so much.

The good news is, my six-year-old is desperate to see me in it,

-even if...

-Well, that's why.

Yeah, it's not overly done with special effects.

The things you see, you get to see

in Johnny being his fantastic, funny self.

And is this the end of it,

or is it going to go on, are there more after this?

-Are you kidding me?!

-There's more.

-Do people have more money?

I think they're doing a lot of them now, you know? Aren't they?

I don't know. We'll see. I think there might be room for one more.

I don't know. This is five.

How many have they done of the Fast And Furious? I don't know.

-I think this...

-It's going to hit the billion-dollar mark soon.

-So is ours, Goldie!

-Unbelievable.

-Yeah!

-Snatched Again.

-Snatched!

-Snatch Me Up!

-Yes.

-Snatch Us Both.

-Yeah!

That's good, that's good.

I love how different all the things are on the show tonight.

John Boyega, your new job couldn't be further from Star Wars.

You are starring in Woyzeck at the Old Vic, just round the corner here.

It opens on the 15th May, till the 25th of June.

Now, I have to say, I've heard of this play.

I think they did it when I was in college.

So tell us about it.

Oh, it's a crazy play based on a soldier going through

post-traumatic stress and basically you're just watching the play

following the disintegration of his mental health while he's trying to

take care of his girlfriend, with a two-month-old baby and living

on top of a kind of abattoir, and he's hot and broken.

Yeah, it's a deep,

dark play that I just decided to do after all this colourful Star Wars

stuff and just to find a way of interacting with an intimate

-audience every night...

-Yeah.

-..and going back to the craft, you know,

cos I started in a theatre so it's time to continue.

But you've started in a theatre, but you never played...

You know, you were never Woyzeck in Woyzeck before.

-I mean, it's a big difference.

-Yeah, no, no.

Yeah, the last time I was on stage I was just basically

a glorified extra. I was, you know, taking props off

and bringing them on.

They never gave me my chance.

-LAUGHTER

-What play? What play was it?

-And you didn't give up showbusiness?

-I was in three plays at the

Tricycle Theatre and it was three

plays that ran the same time and, yeah, it was great but I was

-never the lead of it, so this is a big challenge.

-Look at you now.

-LAUGHTER

-Wow.

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Yeah!

-But of course...

-Boy done good.

We should also... I suppose we should be clear that, you know,

-younger fans...

-Mmm.

-..of Star Wars probably shouldn't see this play.

It's quite a violent play.

-No, all you should come.

-OK!

LAUGHTER OK, John said!

-It is dark, though.

-I do think it's an important play.

-Yes.

I think it's very important because it is something that's very real.

-Yeah.

-And there are ways and means that you can help this but it's

a terrible dysfunction that's happened here.

It was written, like, 200 years ago.

So the writer died while he was writing it, at 23.

-So it's open to interpretation and we have...

-Uh-huh.

..Jack Thorne writing,

who done Harry Potter And The Cursed Child,

we have the amazing Joe Murphy directing, so it's...

And it's the Old Vic, so it's a chance to kind of... Yeah.

Daniel Radcliffe is on stage at the Old Vic and Kevin Spacey's

-been on, so I just wanted to be part of...

-You're in good company.

-Yeah.

-You feel good about it.

-We're leaving Saturday, is it rude...?

Would you mind doing it right now?

-LAUGHTER

-Is that rude?

-Is that rude?

-Get up.

Yeah, and John can pass on your best to Daniel Radcliffe backstage.

-Yes. That's right.

-LAUGHTER

-Is he in it?

-Yeah, he's in the play that's on there now.

What do you get for 100 bucks?

LAUGHTER

-A meet and greet.

-Oh, OK, great. Great.

Er. Er, John. John. John.

Sorry, mate, we were just...

Yeah, I know it's a chat show but there's a sort of structure to it.

Er... LAUGHTER

Chat in this direction.

-Yeah.

-That's true.

But no, the thing about the Old Vic is that...

I read when you used to be on the bus, you would look at the Old Vic.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I love going to the theatre.

I always went to the National, the Almeida, and I loved going,

but the old Vic I just never related to because I was one of those

people who would go to the building and look at the picture to

see what I could be involved in, to see what I could see,

and it'd always be people like this,

-talking all the time.

-LAUGHTER

And for me, I just wanted to see something that's more real,

something that's more gritty and something that just expands

their audience, and the Old Vic is doing that right now,

they're trying to bring in more people from different

backgrounds and trying to pump in diversity, and I'm all about that.

And obviously with all your friends and things,

-it's easy to get them on board with something like Star Wars.

-Yeah.

"We'll do that." Are they going to come and see you in this?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

It's a crazy one.

There will be bum-cheeks involved, there will be a lot of...

Your bum-cheeks?

-Well...

-LAUGHTER

-INAUDIBLE SPEECH

-Yeah, I mean, there will...

It'd sell those tickets! Yeah. LAUGHTER

Right. But it's...

Going into Woyzeck's mind, and it has like an avant-garde,

contemporary, twisted feel to it,

like, there's a moment that I can share that I am kind of

breast-fed by my mother.

And... Yeah.

Like, how?

LAUGHTER

I think we should stretch on.

What I do is...

-Come on.

-You asked! CHEERING

I'm getting that Star Wars money.

Oh, my God!

Very consensual. Very consensual.

-LAUGHTER

-No holding back here!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like that, you asked and it happened.

-LAUGHTER

-Consent. Consent.

And we talked about your friends, that aren't going to see

this play, I think...

How have they coped with what's happened to you,

that you are now John Boyega from Star Wars?

I mean, I live with my boy Stefan and we kind of live a peaceful life.

I'm 25, but to be honest, inside, I feel 73.

Like, I just like being inside.

I like going for walks, you know, I like looking at the sky and

bringing up unnecessary facts about life.

LAUGHTER

You sound like a riot.

And Goldie, you know,

the whole thing that John's going through, this kind of sudden

-wow, you know, you're on billboards in Times Square.

-Yeah.

I mean, that happened to you, cos when it hit, it hit fast.

-Yeah, it hit very fast.

-Rowan And Martin's Laugh-In,

-biggest show in the world.

-Exactly.

-Oscar for your first movie, Cactus Flower.

-Right.

-I mean, it's...

Was anyone guiding you through it?

Was anyone manoeuvring you through all the perils of that?

You know, that's a really good question.

I think what happened to me was that I got anxious.

And I became anxious in many ways

and I didn't understand it so I started seeing a psychologist.

Because I wanted to know why I was feeling anxious about all of this.

A - it wasn't a life plan,

B - I wanted to go home and marry a dentist and open a dancing school.

I had a really fabulous life plan.

And this turned out to be different,

so I really was tutorialled through having a psychologist.

And the other thing I like about sort of when suddenly careers

take off like this, suddenly big cheques arrive. Where there was

no cash, suddenly there's cash.

So, do you remember, what was the kind of stupidest thing you

bought when cheques started landing on the mat?

You know, I've been thinking about this question and I've bought

-a lot of stupid things.

-LAUGHTER

But I remember when I was going down to Laugh-In, to the studio.

I stopped by - cos I love flowers -

and I didn't have any vases and I bought

a vase and it was almost too big for my house that I was living in.

-LAUGHTER

-It had little, like, white roses

embossed on it and I've kept it for all these years

because it said something to me about this one stupid thing

I bought that I, through all the moves and the houses and the life,

I never wanted to get rid of.

So it said something, you know,

it was a stupid vase and it was this...

-LAUGHTER

-Carrying it through...

-Do you have it?

-..my little apartment. Yeah.

-Aw!

-Yeah. I still have it.

-Can I have it?

-LAUGHTER

-I'll mail it to you.

-Thank you.

What have you wasted the most money on?

My siblings?

-Erm...

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, you know what? I was like...

-I know I seem like a drunk whore or whatever, but... Erm.

-LAUGHTER

But what's fun about getting money is that you can, you know,

give it to your family and friends. I give a lot

to my family and friends. And I did a movie about PTSD,

called Thank You For Your Service, which is coming out in October,

and I donated my whole salary to

-people who are suffering from post-traumatic stress.

-Wow.

-APPLAUSE

What are you doing with your salary?

But honestly. You know.

Getting to give...

Cos, yeah, I'm afraid, I watch all those NBA real-life

documentaries, I don't want to go out like that,

so I hang onto it or I, you know,

give it to charity and friends and family.

-Oh.

-I bought a gold-plated private jet.

LAUGHTER

He does more charity work than anybody.

-I know that about you.

-No, but you do...

-Oh.

You do go shopping, though. You do go shopping.

-Shop till I drop.

-Yeah.

-You wouldn't know.

-No.

-Motorbikes are your thing.

-Motorbikes are my thing, yeah.

-Yeah.

-So do you have loads?

-Cos my mum said I could never have a motorbike

when I was a kid and all I wanted was a motorbike.

If I'd had a motorbike when I was 12, I probably would've got it out

-my system.

-So it's her fault.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, my mum's fault. Yeah, exactly!

-That's why I've got 20 in my garage now.

-That's her.

-Yeah.

But now, John Boyega, you...

Man, why you always say my name like that?

-LAUGHTER

-Like, "What have I done now?"

No, this is good.

No, John... John got his Star Wars cash and he...

I don't know where you hit, but you hit a shop, a wonderful shop...

-Yep.

-And you have bought some stuff.

So you very kindly brought some pictures of some of the things

-you bought.

-Yeah, I did, I did.

-Your bed...

At the bottom of your bed, what have you got?

I've got some lions, sculptures of lions. Yeah.

-So, his bed is guarded...

-Oh! What?!

-LAUGHTER

Those are like trinkets compared to what else you've got. You bought...

But the reason why I bought that is because I feel

-like my spirit animal is a lion. I just feel that.

-Mmm.

You know, I am African, I am...

-Yes!

-..everything.

-LAUGHTER

-Alive!

-So that's why you bought the lions.

-Yes.

-Why did you buy the saxophone lamp?

-LAUGHTER

-Erm...

To be honest with you, there's no reason for that, man.

That was glorified nonsense.

I can't lie to you.

-Yeah.

-That is hilarious.

Now, I don't mean to criticise it.

I mean, I mean...I was in Australia and this dude just told

me that there's a saxophone with a light bulb with it.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-And something in my brain said to me, "Buy."

-LAUGHTER Yes.

-But you need that.

-You need that.

-By the way, I made a lamp out of my father's clarinet.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh!

-Right?

-Cool. So you know how that was made. I had no

-idea how to put it together.

-Well, there's a... We have a thing.

It has something to do with something that we share.

You're like a lion.

I like... I'm like a lion...

Kind of. Yeah, I could do that.

-LAUGHTER

-But how about that?

-You have a saxophone lamp and I have a clarinet lamp.

-Yeah.

Goldie, can I just ask you,

do you have a more attractive bulb in yours?

LAUGHTER

-Well...

-That is an ugly ass bulb, John.

LAUGHTER

That is an economy light-saving one.

It's environmentally friendly.

-It's environmentally friendly.

-Yeah, yeah.

I would find a little clip-on shade, maybe or something that just...

Then, you've...

We've been in the bedroom. We've now...

I don't know where that is but we've walked past that.

-That's my living room.

-And where do we find this?

That's in the corridor.

OK.

Is it an antique?

Erm, no, I just got it off Gumtree or something,

-do you know what I mean?

-OK.

It's just a replica of a Spartan helmet.

Did it come with the plinth or did you buy that separately?

No, I bought that separately.

-OK.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Putting it together.

-Yeah, I put it together.

-But now...

-Put it together.

Is there a light inside?

No, no, there isn't.

I'm just a big fan of weird things. I told you, I'm 73, deep down.

ORLANDO BLOOM: Have you ever put it on?

Wait. When... You're in John's house and you want to go to the loo, so,

you've seen the lions, you're excited,

the saxophone lamp is brilliant, you really enjoyed that helmet

-on your way to the toilet...

-Give it to them.

You get into the loo...

-OK.

-..you sit down...

-Uh-huh.

-..you do your business,

you need a little bit of toilet paper. In John's house, this is who gives it to you.

Boom.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is amazing.

I love that.

You're jealous, aren't you?

-You're all jealous.

-I'm so jealous.

I'm imagining going over there, as a girl, you know,

and you get to the bathroom, and you're like, "That's a red flag."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. Erm...

It's, er...

It's time for music. Now, I don't know...

Goldie Hawn, have you ever seen the Eurovision Song Contest?

-No.

-Eurovision Song Contest?

Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER Well, anyway, on the 13th May,

I hope you'll be watching, and waving flags

because on the 13th May, the nation will be pinning its hopes

on this young lady at the Eurovision Song Contest in Kiev.

Performing Never Give Up On You, it is Lucie Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Tell me your secrets

# I'll keep them safe

# No sign of weakness

# It's a sign of faith

# We'll stand tall

# So you don't fall

# You're not defeated

# You're in repair

# Don't have to call me

# I'll always be there

# We'll stand tall

# So you don't fall

# If you could see how far you've walked

# You would see that all's not lost

# I will never give up on you

# I don't care what I've got to lose

# Just give me your hand and hold on

# Together we'll dance through this storm

# I will never give up on you

# You're the one that I'm running to

# Just give me your hand and hold on

# Together we'll dance through this storm

# Under the surface I see you glow

# I'm right beside you, you're never alone

# Don't let go

# When you're so close

# If you could see how far you've walked

# You would see that all's not lost

# I will never give up on you

# I don't care what I've got to lose

# Just give me your hand and hold on

# Together we'll dance through this storm

# I will never give up on you

# You're the one that I'm running to

# Just give me your hand and hold on

# Together we're dancing through this madness

# We're running through this magic

# It's inside of you

# This madness

# This madness

# Now you can see how far you've walked

# The mountains climbed, the oceans cro-o-o-o-ossed

# I don't care what I've got to lose

# Just give me your hand and hold on

# Together we'll dance through this storm

# I will never give up on you

# You're the one that I'm running to

# Just give me your hand and hold on

# Together we'll dance through this storm. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Lucie Jones, everybody!

Genius.

Come over here, dear.

Bare feet, bare feet. I said bare feet.

Hello, darling. Congratulations.

Come and meet everybody. What a great performance.

John, Orlando, Amy, Goldie,

that's who that is.

-Hi, how are you?

-Well done, love.

-Thank you very much. Hi.

-AMY:

-Mwah! Mwah!

-There you go.

Hi, Goldie Hawn.

Wow. LAUGHTER

-Have a seat. Well deserved.

-Thank you.

Lucie Jones, that was fantastic.

If you do it that well on the night, we'll all be delighted.

Oh, thank you. I really hope I don't...

I'm not wearing any shoes.

-But I like that.

-And that is for a real reason.

I just can't sing or stand or walk...

LAUGHTER

..anything like straight line wise, when I'm wearing any shoes.

Like, Converse is a struggle.

-So, this is why.

-Were you brought up by wolves? What...

LAUGHTER

I grew up in Wales, so I was always on a hill. So, maybe that's why.

-That could be it.

-Maybe.

-Now, by the way...

has anyone here been to Kiev?

Not to Kiev.

Actually, I have relatives from there but they were born in

like 1780 or something.

But I definitely have Kiev in there, somewhere.

LAUGHTER

Where's Kiev?

Anywhere you like it.

I had chicken Kiev the other night.

LAUGHTER

Listen, we'll see you on the night.

I do think it's such a brave, big job you are doing for the UK.

Thank you. I'm going to give it a go.

-We really appreciate you doing it.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Good luck on the 13th. Lucie Jones, everybody!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, that is nearly it.

Before we go, time for a visit to the big red chair.

Who dere? Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Orla.

-Orla. Lovely. I'm guessing you're from Ireland.

-Yeah.

-Do you live there or here?

-I live here but go back there all the time.

-Oh, fair enough.

Erm... And what do you do here, Orla?

I'm a primary school teacher.

-A primary school teacher?

-Yeah.

All the ages? Or some of them?

-Year one.

-What age are they?

-Five and six.

-Five and six. Does that not drive you insane,

talking to people who are five and six all day?

No, I love it so much.

OK, Orla.

LAUGHTER Off you go with your story.

Will it start with "Once upon a time," I wonder?

No. On you go with your story.

OK. So, a few years ago,

I was teaching in a class and we had the globes out and the children

were discovering the new countries they had never seen before.

And a little boy pointed to a country and said,

"What country is this?" And I said, "Oh, Papua New Guinea.

"Does anybody know why Papua New Guinea is really famous?"

Nobody knew. So, I said, "Well, they still eat humans there,

"it's really strange.

"Right. Does anybody know what that is,

"when another human eats another human?"

And this little boy stuck his hand up and said, "Yeah, I know.

"Lesbians."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Good story, Orla.

That's a really good story.

Very good.

And if you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in that red chair,

contact us via our website at this very address.

Listen, that's it tonight. Please say thank you to all my guests.

Lucie Jones! Good luck, Lucie Jones.

Mr John Boyega!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Orlando Bloom!

Amy Schumer!

And Goldie Hawn! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Join me next week with pop group Gorillaz,

and a great sofa of acting talent, Kevin Bacon, Jessica Chastain,

Michael Fassbender, and Hollywood legend Diane Keaton.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everyone, bye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING