Episode 5 The Graham Norton Show

Everybody, this is Kevin Bacon. Welcome to The Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, hello!

Hello! Hello!

Good evening, everybody.

Oh, too much now. That'll do.

No, no, no, you're just patronising me now, stop it!

Who enjoyed the long Bank Holiday weekend? Wasn't it lovely?

Mind you, it's always the same -

go out for a few drinks and before you know it,

you're at the kebab shop, embarrassing yourself!

"I've always loved you!

"You're so strong and stable!"

Yeah.

Hey, great show tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

The legendary Diane Keaton will be here! Yes!

CHEERING

Diane Keaton along with...

Along with Hollywood stars,

Jessica Chastain, Kevin Bacon and Michael Fassbender!

CHEERING

It's good, right? That's good.

That... That, I'm here to tell you, is a lot of stars.

A lot of stars. I mean,

how am I going to get all those guests onto one sofa?

If only I had a mathematical genius to help me work it out.

Ah!

Diane Abbott.

The Carol Vorderman of politics(!)

Did you hear that interview on the radio? Ooh, bad!

Meanwhile, on the election campaign trail,

Jeremy Corbyn was unfairly, I feel, caught out by photographers.

Poor Jeremy. Mind you, sometimes a sign in the background can sum up

what people are really thinking.

All right, Tim? In other election news, Theresa May went to Cornwall.

Now... HE LAUGHS

Do you think she's ever bought chips before?

Do you think she's ever SEEN a chip before?

I mean, I say "bought."

She took them, then insisted she didn't owe a penny

and wasn't going to be bullied into paying.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. Take that, May.

Yeah. Chip satire.

Mrs May said this week she was going to be a bloody difficult woman

in her negotiations with the EU and made it plain that this country

will never be ruled by an unelected German.

She then went to meet the Queen.

And can we just say, a huge congratulations to Prince Philip?

I mean, he's earned it

but he's announced he's standing down from Royal duties.

Some people have questioned the timing.

I mean, it's almost like he's trying to avoid something.

Let's get some guests on!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Later, we'll be joined by Alien star and Hollywood heart-throb

Michael Fassbender. Oh, yeah.

Plus, we'll have the great new single from Gorillaz, everybody.

Yeah!

But first, he starred in hits like Footloose, Mystic River,

A Few Good Men and Apollo 13.

Now you can see him in the hilarious new TV show,

I Love Dick.

It's a warm welcome back to Kevin Bacon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Happy to be here.

-I'll come in here, I'll shake the hand.

Oh, we'll embrace. We'll embrace.

Kevin Bacon!

She is the Oscar-nominated star of Zero Dark Thirty,

The Help and The Martian.

Now she's taking the lead in political thriller Miss Sloane.

It is the fabulous Jessica Chastain!

CHEERING

-Hello!

-Hi.

-Hi. Lovely to see you. I see you so often.

-So often!

Come in. Sit down, sit down.

And just listen to these films -

The Godfather, Annie Hall, Reds, First Wives Club,

Something's Gotta Give.

She's a true style icon and a Hollywood legend.

Welcome, for the first time, the great Diane Keaton, everybody!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes! Are you good?

Argh! I can't get on!

You're up! You're on!

That's the hardest bit! That's the hardest bit.

Come in and sit down.

Welcome all. Very nice to see you all.

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

See, that's a good bit, too.

-Now, you have the red wine with the ice?

-That is correct.

This is your signature drink?

That's my drink.

It's called a Keaton, isn't it?

-That's correct, too.

-Yeah.

-You're good, you're very good!

Oh, I've genned up, yeah. Yeah.

This is your people,

these are the people that are in the audience.

CHEERING

And they're very happy to see you.

Really? I doubt it.

GRAHAM SCOFFS

But they're very charming looking.

Yes! Don't lie, Diane, but they...

-Now, Kevin...

-I'm going to have a drink.

Please, please. Down it in one. Chug it!

-Kevin, are you going to drink?

-I'm going to drink. No, I'm drinking.

-You are going to have a drink?

-Cheers.

-Here's to you.

-Here's to you!

-She's lovely.

-Oh, my God!

-I think she's great.

-Well, you like her.

-I'm obsessed with her and she just said,

"Here's to you." We cheersed. Here, again.

-Twice!

-Aww.

-You know, I think Kevin's very attractive.

-Yes!

-Thank you.

-He looks great.

-Right back at you.

I haven't seen... When was the last time I saw you?

-Never!

-I don't know, maybe never.

-Yeah, I know, but look how great!

-Yeah.

-It's a good couch.

-Likewise.

-Yeah.

-Likewise.

-She's very attractive, you know.

-You, on the other hand...

-I know! I know...

LAUGHTER

-You...

-I live here, we let ourselves go here.

And here's the thing, this is extraordinary -

last weekend, it was...

This may...

..the 45th anniversary of The Godfather.

-Wow.

-That's right.

-45 this week.

And you all gathered... APPLAUSE

There you are, all gathered together.

I mean, that must be extraordinary. Because you were...

That was extraordinary.

Because you were such different people 45 years ago.

I was pretty much the same.

But everybody else was different

because they're fantastic actors

and, of course, Francis was so articulate.

I wish he could have been here and tell the stories

about what he went through to make that movie.

And every single choice that he made

was just like a genius choice and he had to fight for everything.

I remember he was talking about how they wanted to fire Pacino.

And they wanted him out.

And he had shot.... Francis had shot the early scenes,

where we're just young and he's kind of insecure

and they kept hating him, the studio.

And so what happened was that Francis, being a genius,

he said, "OK, I'm going to shoot this one scene,"

and he shot the scene so that they wouldn't fire Pacino,

of where Pacino kills the cop.

-Do you know?

-Yeah.

-Where Pacino... Oh, my God!

In that scene... Al Pacino is so great in that scene.

It's so moving.

And, you know, I hadn't seen the movie in 30 years

so I figured, well, I'm going to be there,

so I took my computer out and I watched it on the computer

-and I have to tell you, the movie is genius.

-Yeah.

I mean, I can't believe it.

And it's all that damned Francis Ford!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And then you, too. And you, too.

You are so important in that film.

Oh, my God.

It was great to be there.

-It was.

-Huge kudos to you.

But it's not interesting to hear about.

-Sure it is.

-Yeah, it is!

-Yes, it is.

You think? It's so boring.

I like the audience more.

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

-I mean, why don't we talk to them?

I wonder what they think?

I've tried that. Really...

-Oh, it didn't work out?

-I...

-Trust me.

-I mean, you're good on your own.

I've been sat in this chair for nearly 20 years.

I've talked to them.

Hey, guess what we're going to do now?

-Uh-oh.

-We're going to talk about your film.

-Mine?

-It's all about you now.

That's evil. That's an evil gesture.

No, new film, it's Hampstead.

And it's out on the 23rd of June.

This... It's a British film.

-Yes.

-And it's totally British.

A great cast. And it's based on a true story, but you're the fiction?

Yeah, I'm the fiction, for sure.

I'm the fiction. Yes.

Do you want me to say something about it?

-It's best.

-Yes, I think so.

Well, it's really a very dear picture.

Obviously, it's about older people. Do you know? That are...

Oh, God. I'm the person talking about it?

-Yeah, it's you.

-It has to be me? OK.

-No-one else is here.

-All right, OK.

-I mean, I've seen it, I can say a bit.

-You saw it?

-Yeah, of course

-I did. Yeah.

-Well, what did you think?

-I really liked it.

-You did?

-I did!

-He's sweet. But anyway, blah...

I have to say that these two people are at a point in their life

where they're completely stuck

and they don't know what life is going to bring for them

and it's a very sweet picture.

I'm really proud of it.

I feel happy to be a part of it.

And the man you see, he was the real part.

It's Brendan Gleeson, do you all know him?

Yes! WHOOPS FROM AUDIENCE

-He's good.

-He's fabulous, I love Brendan Gleeson.

He's really a great actor. And that was odd for me because,

you know, he's REALLY an actor and then there's me.

As opposed to all those other schlubs you've worked with(!)

-Exactly!

-LAUGHTER

"What did she say?"

Whatever!

There's a bunch of guys in New York going, "Hey, wait a second!"

Brendan, he plays a character called Donald,

-who's based on a real person called Harry?

-Mm-hm.

Harry Hampstead, is he called?

And do you remember this story? I didn't remember it.

He squatted on a bit of Hampstead Heath and ended up owning it.

Which is sort of an amazing story.

It's an amazing story, yes.

-But he died a few years ago, the real guy?

-He did die.

-I know.

-I tell you what... Er...

Do we all have to die? Can we get into that?

-Let's not.

-No, OK.

-We're all having a nice time.

-Yeah, yeah. I'm enjoying it, yeah.

There's more red wine on ice.

-Yeah, you got to shut me up!

-Let's live a little longer!

I tell you what, let's have a taste of the film.

Oh, let's have a taste? You mean a clip?

Well, actually, it's kind of the trailer.

-Oh, fine, even better.

-You see? You're happy.

Yeah, I don't know what it is.

-It's in colour, you talk, it's great!

-It's in colour?!

-OK!

-You're going to love this. Here it is.

-Hello?

-What?!

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Too late for that.

This is an eviction notice.

You're living on land worth millions.

They really don't want you here.

It's a shame. If only they got to know me.

Now, now.

So am I different to what you expected?

-You seem...

-Go on.

..cleaner.

It never stops, does it?

The whole world wants me to change and now you, too.

You really want to stay here?

You're going to have to fight for it.

The way I live might seem different to a lot of people.

All I care about is my home

and, in that regard, I'm no different to any of you.

-OK...

-This is my, um...

Handyman.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-See, that was all right!

-Yeah!

-You survived that.

-Yeah.

Thank you.

And your character in the film, she dresses quite like, um...

-Me?

-Yes! Yes.

-Because you are very recognisable.

-Why?

Because you have a look, you have a kind of iconic look.

Jessica's nodding, it's not just me.

-Yeah, iconic look.

-Yeah.

I know that many times I've done a movie

and I've said, "Can I have the Annie Hall look, please?"

Me too!

Was Annie Hall the first time you were given free rein

-to put together your own look?

-It was. Yeah, there it is.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

It's amazing.

It is amazing, and timeless.

It's timeless?

Well, cos it was never IN fashion.

I'm looking at me and I'm thinking, wow...

That's right, it never was in fashion!

-You're right. There you go.

-It's your look.

-You know, ploughed your own furrow.

-I own it.

I don't know what to say.

I don't see anybody in the audience that has it.

No!

-I think they rejected it.

-No, you're owning it.

A fashion icon. A true fashion icon.

Do you ever have days when you think, "You know what,

"I'm not going to be Diane Keaton today,

"I'm going to wear something...? I'm going to break the mould,

"I'm not going to look like Diane Keaton."

I wouldn't know how to do that since I am Diane Keaton, aren't I?

-Yes!

-I don't want to do that.

I just want to be what I want to be, right?

-I'm going to wear what I like.

-Yes.

-You think I'm going to break it?

-Well...

-Are you suggesting I should change?

-No!

-I think you are!

I'm just saying, one day you might like no-one to know who you were.

They don't know who I am. I live in California.

You know, all I do is, I get my car and I do what

everybody else is doing and nobody cares cos, you know...

You know, they've seen enough of us.

Really, it's so simple.

But being recognised can sometimes be to your advantage.

Jessica Chastain, now, had you broken the law?

It wasn't me!

LAUGHTER

I was in a car and someone else was driving and I kept saying,

"Please, slow down, slow down,"

and, of course, they didn't and then we got pulled over

and the cop went around to the side

and the person driving was from another country and I was like,

"Oh, this is just going to be a disaster."

And the cop looked at me and said, "Are you an actor?"

And I said, "Yeah."

And he goes, "What films have you been in?"

-And I knew that was my moment...

-LAUGHTER

..to get out of the ticket.

-And I'd better say the right film.

-Yeah, yeah.

So I looked him up and down. I thought,

"What... You know? The Help? No, probably not."

And I said Zero Dark Thirty.

And then he goes, "OK, can I have your picture?"

And he let me go.

Wow!

Kevin Bacon, you did try to do the thing I was talking to Diane about,

about trying to go out incognito, to not be Kevin Bacon?

I had a disguise built by a special effects make-up artist.

-What?!

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-Was it, like, a fake nose?

-I don't want to say.

-Glasses?

-I can't say.

-Are you wearing it now?

-I'm wearing it now!

I'm not actually Kevin Bacon!

"I'm Michael Fassbender!"

-He's so versatile!

-I wish!

Did you like people not recognising you?

Well, I tell you, you know, people don't talk about the fact

that being recognisable is 99.9% good.

Because people are nice to you all day long for absolutely no reason.

People stop me in the street and say, "Kevin, I love you."

I mean, who doesn't want to be loved? Right?

Who doesn't want to have somebody say,

"I love you. Jessica, Diane, I love you"?

I mean, that's a great feeling.

And you can get out of tickets.

And, you know, they'll give you free sneakers and shit like that.

But anyway, it's mostly good. Is my point.

Once in a while you think to yourself, like,

"What would it be like to just walk through the world anonymously?"

So I decided to experiment with that. And it worked.

I mean, obviously, I had it done by professionals

and applied by professionals,

and you definitely didn't know it was me.

And I went to... There's an outdoor shopping mall in California

-called The Grove which is sort of like the worst place...

-Oh, my God!

It's the worst place you want to walk around in

-if you're a celebrity.

-Yeah.

That's a guaranteed place you're going to be taking some selfies.

And, um... I walked straight through The Grove

and nobody recognised me.

And it was awful!

LAUGHTER

I was like, "This sucks, man! I'm going back to Kevin Bacon ASAP!"

APPLAUSE

Now, Jessica Chastain, you give a knockout performance

in your new movie, Miss Sloane.

-It's out next Friday...

-Oh, my God!

-..the 12th of May.

-Look at that!

-I know! Strong, right?

-That's a great one sheet.

-Strong.

-Look at her.

-Intimidating.

Your performance is a real tour de force.

It's almost like a kind of forensic look

at how the lobbying groups work in Washington.

I'm sure we have lobbyists here but it's not the same as Washington,

where it's big, big business, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a huge business

and I didn't really understand it until I took the role.

I read Jack Abramoff's book, I don't know if you guys know of him?

He's an American lobbyist who ended up in jail.

-That's right, yeah.

-Yeah.

And so I thought, this is a really interesting place to start.

And then I went to DC and met with about a dozen female lobbyists.

Cos there aren't that many women who do it, is that right?

No. It's about 10%. I mean...

First of all, women in American politics is already...

-It's a tough field for women.

-So we hear!

-Yeah.

So, yeah, it's a little less than 10%.

And so I met with female lobbyists there

and I was shocked by the amount of money that lobbyists make.

And also, I was really shocked by the way they presented themselves.

-How much money do they make?

-Well...

-I'm interested!

-They can make...

-LAUGHTER

-Are you thinking of a change of career?

-You think I got a shot?

Yes, you could do anything you want, but I think you're doing fine!

How much do they make?

-They can make millions.

-Seriously?

-Yeah, it's like...

You know, a big corporation... You know, Coca-Cola has lobbyists.

You can hire lobbyists to defeat a bill or try to pass a bill.

Basically, the term "lobbyist" was coined

-by the people waiting in the lobby to plead their cases.

-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they can make a tonne of money,

-depending on who's hiring them.

-Listen, we've got a clip.

This is you explaining to your team, because you've basically...

Sorry, we should have explained that bit...

So you are lobbyist and you change sides?

Yes, so basically, the gun lobby tries to hire her

to get women into guns and she says, "Screw this,

"I'm going to actually go work for the other side."

So I think in this clip she's working with

a bipartisan lobbying agency

that's fighting to pass the bill for stricter gun regulation.

True. JESSICA GIGGLES

-What's the best indicator of voter intention?

-Money!

-Dollars.

That's our first prong.

Grassroots action aimed squarely at soliciting donations.

Not names on a petition, not clicks in cyberspace.

Will they know how much we're raising?

Non-profits have to report on their finances.

And every Congressional staffer watches filing day like a hawk.

While you're out there hustling, I'll be working influential senators

who can deliver their colleagues' votes. That's our second prong.

Our third is to identify who holds sway in target states.

Employers, workers' groups.

Don't just waltz into a Senator's office and make your case.

Find out who they trust, who they can't afford to piss off.

Convince that person to make your case.

THAT is how we win.

APPLAUSE Ooh!

Yeah.

-Tough.

-She's tough.

-I mean, she's tough beyond belief, this...

-Super tough.

-She's also beautiful.

-Yes, hello!

That worked out. The nose is great, don't you think?

Yeah, I think it's all worked out, yeah!

-You've got a great nose.

-I used to get picked on for my nose.

-No way, man. That's cool!

-Yeah? Well, thanks.

I had a director once tell me, when I said,

"Why do you think I'm right for this part?"

-And he said to me, he goes, "I want to film your nose."

-See!

-LAUGHTER

-He was right!

-So it got me a part.

-It's just the beginning.

-It's gorgeous, it's a great nose.

-Oh, thanks!

-That's good.

-OK.

-You use it really well.

LAUGHTER

Now, when you have been on the show before,

-you've talked to us about your grandmother.

-Yes.

Now, she's quite, um... I was going to say sexually active.

-She's not sexually active, well, maybe she is, I don't know...

-What?!

I don't think those words have ever, um, come out of me,

-that my grandmother was sexually active!

-She likes... She likes men.

-Yes!

-She likes men?

-Yes.

-Yes, OK.

-And your grandmother has this picture.

-Yes?

-OK, I know this.

-So this is on her bedside table.

This is her and Al Pacino. You introduced them?

Yes, but she's not sexually active with Al Pacino.

I just want to put that out there!

-They make a lovely couple!

-She wishes!

No, I was doing a play with Al.

It was my first thing, it was in LA, Salome.

And my grandmother was there and she's a huge fan.

She loves The Godfather. She'd be freaking out right now!

And so I said, "Al, I want you to meet my grandmother."

And he looked at her and he goes,

"That's your grandmother? Hubba-hubba!"

LAUGHTER

Which, of course, made her life!

And so I took a picture of the two of them and she framed it

-and put it on her bedside table.

-That's nice.

But now, didn't you, when you got to LA,

make it your life's mission to get her a boyfriend?

Yes, which I still haven't done and it's very upsetting to me.

So if there are any handsome English men out there

who likes redheads and is not a pervert or anything weird...

-Yes!

-Picky, picky, picky!

LAUGHTER

I made a Match.com account for my grandmother.

And I did a photo shoot for her. Like, I did her make-up.

-Tasteful, I'm sure. Tasteful?

-Very tasteful.

-Yeah.

And then when the men would call, she'd be like,

"It's someone from the website." I'd be like, "OK..."

And I would give her hints, like...

But the guys would call and they'd be like,

"What are you doing right now?" I'm like, "No, Grandma. Mm-mm!"

They got to call and make a date.

You can't just be willy-nilly going out there.

-So...

-Yeah, well, hmm...

Tick-tock!

Oh, no!

You're terrible!

-How dare you?!

-APPLAUSE

She's already let Al Pacino slip through her fingers!

But when it comes to on-screen romance, Diane Keaton,

-I think you like the on-screen romance, don't you?

-It's the best.

I mean, quite frankly, it doesn't get better than on-screen romance.

Because, frankly, you know,

think of all the men that you get to kiss

and you don't pay the price.

You know, like, in other words, you don't actually have to have a...

You know, the relationship is perfect

because you're telling the story, you're in the midst of the story.

So, yeah, I've enjoyed it. I enjoy it.

And I also like the audience

-and if there are some men out there...

-Whoa.

WHOOPS FROM AUDIENCE

..that I can kiss. Just because it's a friendly gesture.

There's nothing wrong with that.

First of all, it's just the greatest.

I mean, there's nothing better than kissing a man in a movie.

And people say that's difficult, but they're wrong.

-They're dead wrong.

-It depends on the man.

-Like... You and me kiss now.

-OK.

-Oh, I'm going to kiss him!

This is exciting!

No, no... This is, like... I cannot tell you,

this is so exciting for me. This is so exciting for me.

First of all, I hit them! Because if you don't hit them...

-Look, he needs punishment.

-OK.

-I take his face and say...

And then you go like this, you say, "You big idiot!" Mwah!

-Oh!

-I'm going to do it again, you big idiot. Mwah!

Oh, I love that!

That's made my life! That has made my life.

-Now I'm going to kiss Kevin!

-OK...

-Can I kiss Kevin?

-If Kevin's willing?

-Are you ready, Kevin?

-Am I willing(?)

LAUGHTER

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

-Whoohoo!

Oh, Kevin!

See, he's so good!

That was so good.

APPLAUSE

-Go on!

-Yeah, I want to kiss Jessica, too.

Yeah, you have to.

Even though, you know, she's not a man...

Look at that girl.

First of all, the nose is great, OK?

What I'm going to do is I'm going to touch that sweet nose, right?

And then a big kiss, like she's my dear daughter.

You little baby, you've been bad.

-You've been a bad girl.

-Oh, my God! What is happening?

I don't know. I don't know about you, but you better be better!

Mwah!

What?!

Fabulous.

I feel better.

-It's good.

-It's OK.

I mean, you know, I could try it out on the audience, though,

it would be much better!

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

What a long show that turned into!

Can I just say...

-bucket list!

-Yeah, amen!

APPLAUSE

Amen!

That was amazing. That was amazing.

Er, now, ladies and gentlemen, er...

Miss Sloane is a great name for a film, it's a really good name.

Hampstead - a good, solid title.

OK, first of all, Hampstead...

-First of all...

-Oh?

-..I love London.

And London, to me, is the most...

-Oh, I shouldn't talk about it?

-Now you want to talk about it!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I shouldn't drink.

You know, but I do love London because...

GRAHAM LAUGHS

I should be dismissed.

-Keep going.

-London is so fabulous

because it's just a beautiful city.

And if you're lucky enough to be in the centre,

then you can just walk around

and it's just the greatest walking place ever, don't you think?

Absolutely, I'm with you, yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-London.

-London.

Number one, number one.

-Hey, Diane.

-What? Uh-oh.

-I Love Dick.

-We're not going to kiss again?

-I Love Dick...

-You love Dick?

..is the name of Kevin Bacon's new show.

I Love Dick? Are you kidding?

That's the best, but why?

He's just about to tell us.

I Love Dick. It's available to watch...

It's a comedy.

Yeah, it HAS to be a comedy!

It's available to watch on Amazon Prime from the 12th May.

Did you just say yes because it was called I Love Dick?

Yes.

Because it is a great title.

Yeah. I mean, I said yes

because I knew that after we finished the show,

I would be doing press and I would constantly be hearing

interviewers say, "I Love Dick, I Love Dick.

"I Love Dick.

"Tell us about...I Love Dick".

Well, do tell us about...

-You play Dick, obviously.

-I play Dick, yeah.

I Love Dick is a show from Jill Soloway,

who created Transparent, and its her next show after that.

And it's a lot about the female gaze.

It's about female desire.

It's about... It's an all-female writers' room.

And it's about a couple that comes to a small town in Texas,

played by Kathryn Hahn, who's incredible,

and Griffin Dunne, who's also fantastic.

-Griffin Dunne?

-Yeah.

-That's interesting.

They are a couple and they have sort of lost a bit of the fire

in their relationship,

and they get obsessed with this kind of mythical artist,

cowboy, teacher dude named Dick.

And their mutual obsession with him reignites their sexual relationship.

So it's a very kind of bizarre love triangle,

but it's very funny and it's sexy,

and it's kind of interesting

because it is about, truly about female desire

and about...

I-I am the object.

You know, I'm objectified.

-I'm liking this.

-Yeah.

This is a clip. This is where the character, Chris,

is meeting the object of her obsession, Dick, for the first time.

Is it possible that I saw you on a horse yesterday?

Yeah, I have a ranch just outside of town.

Oh. How big? Curious...

You want to know how big...

..my ranch is?

No more polite to ask a rancher the size of his acreage

than to ask a lady her age.

Duly noted.

I'm just...

For the record I'm on the dividing line.

I'm straddling 40-ish.

Straddling?

Er...

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

Very quickly, I just want to ask you, do you know,

and if you do can you explain what BFCUKB means?

-You came up with this.

-Oh, BFCUKB?

-Yeah.

Oh, OK, yeah, I know what that is. Um...

We were doing a movie called Apollo 13.

Not called, that sounds like...

"A little movie I like to call..."

I'm not that guy. Please. It popped out, I didn't mean to do that.

I'm so sorry, apologies. We'll erase that piece of it later.

Graham...

I was filming Apollo 13.

Oh, yes?

With, sadly, Bill Paxton, who passed this year

and Tom Hanks.

And we were shooting this scene

and I said to Ron Howard,

I said, "Hey, man, I think what you need here is a BFCUKB."

And he goes, "We need a what?"

I said, "I think it would really help, like, this moment

"for a BFCUKB."

And he goes, "OK, I give up, what's a BFC...?"

I said, "A big fucking close-up of Kevin Bacon."

APPLAUSE

Very good, very good.

Right, listen, we must meet our next guest.

From X-Men to Steve Jobs and Prometheus,

he's one of Hollywood's hottest stars.

Now he's back with the latest Alien movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michael Fassbender!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey!

Hi! So good to see you.

That's Diane Keaton.

Jessica Chastain.

And Kevin Bacon.

Good to see you.

You're sitting there.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Michael Fassbender has very kindly just left

the premiere of Alien: Covenant.

-Yeah.

-How was that?

It looked like it was in good shape.

I sort of left before the film started.

You thought it was safe.

Yes, I thought it was the right time to leave.

Sorry, Diane, have you met Michael Fassbender?

-No...

-Well, you have now.

We just said hi.

OK. Yeah, but you haven't met previously?

No, I've never seen you, have I?

-No, we've never met.

-Have you kissed?

Yeah, we've kissed but we've never met.

Cos everybody else has!

Now I'm a freak, I understand that.

-Don't worry.

-You might as well.

-You might as well, you kissed all of us.

-Oh, my God!

-She just kissed everyone.

-We all kissed her.

We've all kissed. We've all kissed.

You kissed me!

You started it!

-What now?

-You get two.

-Oh.

Congratulations.

APPLAUSE

Now can I go into the audience and start kissing?

No, not yet.

-Soon.

-I'm ready.

Pucker up, everyone, she'll be with you shortly.

It'll be like a deli counter.

"Now kissing..."

I had this idea that Diane Keaton was going to go to bed tonight

thinking, "The last man I kissed was Kevin Bacon," but no!

She just clearly traded up.

The night is not over.

That is true.

There's a lot of audience members.

We must talk. Alien: Covenant,

it's out next Friday, May 12th.

So everyone's been waiting for this film, talking about this film,

guessing what's going on in this film.

What can you tell us about the film?

It basically goes back to the first Alien.

So the sort of DNA of that is there for sure,

in terms of the Xenomorph, which is the Alien,

is back, which people were disappointed they didn't see,

I guess, in Prometheus.

And also just the horror elements of that first film.

It's very much a thriller, horror film.

And then it's got a lot of the sort of philosophy from Prometheus,

in terms of like, where do we come from, who created us,

and the idea of creation as a whole,

and then, of course, AIs, you know, artificial intelligence

and where our future lies with that.

And so you play David.

I play David, yes.

-From Prometheus?

-That's right.

-That David.

And can you tell us any more?

No.

Oh, there's another robot!

Yeah, for sure, there's another robot.

There's a guy called Walter.

Who you play as well.

I play also Walter, yeah.

He plays Walter, too.

-I play Walter, yeah.

-How's Walter doing?

Walter's OK.

He's, you know, he's kind of... He's more of a boring...

I mean, if you wanted to have a good time,

-I would go out with David.

-Oh, David's better?

That says so much about you.

What do you mean?

-I would go out with Walter.

-What do you mean?!

Walter's nice, relaxed, lovely.

Yes, he's nice, you know, but he's kind of neutral.

You're not getting an opinion off Walter.

I have a lot of opinions.

OK, that's good, you don't need any more.

Let's have a look at a clip.

This is you as Walter trying to help the crew to trap the Alien.

OK.

OK, Walter, where is it?

It's on B deck, starboard side, descending into C level.

K 13.

COC 61, open air lock 17.

We're going in.

K 20, secured.

FEEDBACK SQUEALS

APPLAUSE

That was good.

That was Walter.

Yeah.

I heard that in the first movie, Prometheus, there was a lot

of outtakes, a lot of David stuff that didn't get in.

Um, no.

Or was that in this film?

I mean there's probably lots of extra stuff.

I wanted to have David sort of dancing on sort of

the disco deck of the ship,

at the end, when the credits are rolling.

I thought it might be quite funny to do like a Napoleon Dynamite

sort of exit for the character.

But Ridley didn't go for it.

I still don't understand why.

But you learnt the dance, didn't you?

No.

I thought you did learn the dance.

No, I mean I've done the robot probably back in 1987,

when I was going through the breakdance phase.

I love that you went through a breakdance phase.

Oh, yeah, I love the fact that breakdance made it to Fossa,

and there was a breakdance club.

In Kerry, there was a breakdance club in Kerry?

-For sure, yeah.

-What is breakdance?

-Breakdance?

-Oh...

I don't know, maybe you could show me because I don't know.

Do you guys know what breakdance is?

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

I feel like if we all could try a breakdance move.

Kevin, you definitely know breakdancing.

-I have no idea how to break dance.

-I'll learn, if you want to teach it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What can you teach us? What have you got?

Breakdance-wise?

No. Breakdance is a lot.

Could you do some robot?

I might rip something if I try...

I was going to try a flick swan dive.

Oh, do you want to do some?

No, no, that would be very dangerous.

Yes, please! I don't even know what that is.

-I haven't done it in years.

-Let's try.

No, no, no, because he's not insured!

No, Jessica, this could be the end of the BBC.

If we break Michael Fassbender...

I could try a flick swan dive, I suppose.

-Yes!

-OK, go on then. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you do it back here, there's enough room here.

-Better take this off.

-Clip this.

The microphone's already in the pocket.

You don't need to hear sound effects as I'm going down.

Because that's attached to here.

We'll take it out, we'll take it out

and we'll shove it in somewhere else.

Excuse me?!

-Hang on. Here we go.

-I can't believe I'm going to do a flick swan.

I can't believe you're going to do it either.

For the record, it's her. It's her!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you want some music? Do you want some music?

Sure.

Some music, I guess. Some music.

Yes!

CHEERING

OK. Do you want to wait for some music?

-Yeah, I'll wait.

-OK, here's some music.

MUSIC: Are "Friends" Electric? by Tubeway Army

OK.

INAUDIBLE

Oh, OK.

We can't hear you now!

Where's your one?

Gary Numan, an influence for Walter the robot.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here we go! Turn it up, turn it up, crank it up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Now Diane, Diane.

Come on, Diane!

That was genius.

That was genius! Michael Fassbender, everybody!

Wow!

OK, we'll mic you up.

We'll mic you up. But right now, it's time for music.

This Grammy Award-winning band are back with a bang,

and they are here tonight performing their current single,

We Got The Power. It's Gorillaz, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# We got the power to be loving each other

# No matter what happens

# We've got the power to do that

# En a le pouvoir de s'aimer, OK?

# We got the power to be ringing the great bell out there above us

# We got the power for that

# We got the power to do that

# And we dream of home, I dream of life out of here

# Their dreams are small, my dreams don't know fear

# I've got my heart full of hope, I will change everything

# No matter what I'm told

# How impossible it seems

# We did it before and we'll do it again

# We're indestructible even when we're tired

# And we've been here before, just you and I

# Don't try to rescue me, I don't need to be rescued

# We got the power to be loving each other

# No matter what happens

# We've got the power to do that

# En a le pouvoir de s'aimer, OK?

# We got the power to be ringing the great bell out there above us

# We got the power for that

# We got the power to do that

# Get yourself up to the silent altar and call me

# But don't forget the machines

# Cos if your choice is shipping it down on the M1

# Then you'll wake up in the morning

# You'll be storming

# Oh, oh, oh

# We got the power to be loving each other

# No matter what happens

# We've got the power to do that

# En a le pouvoir de s'aimer, OK?

# We got the power to be ringing the great bell out there above us

# We got the power for that

# We got the power to do that

# We got the power

# We got the power

# We got the power

# We got the power

-# Power!

-Power!

-Power!

-Power!

# Power!

# We got the power

# We got the power

# En a le pouvoir de s'aimer, OK?

# We got the power

# We got the power. #

APPLAUSE

Wow! Woo!

Gorillaz, that was stunning.

Come on over. Some Gorillaz are coming.

Come on over.

This is Jehnny. Hello, Jehnny.

Congratulations. That was gorgeous.

Hello, sir, really nice to see you. Thank you very much for doing that.

Come on in, meet everybody.

This is Kevin, Jessica, Diane, Michael.

-Hello.

-That's Jehnny and Damon.

Sorry.

I've overbooked!

Hang on. There you go.

Very good. Now, that is off the new album,

which is, this is out now, isn't it, Damon?

-Yeah, it was out this week.

-Yeah.

-So, yeah, it's out.

LAUGHTER

Don't make my head hurt.

Yeah, it's out. Humanz, Humanz.

-Oh, that was yours.

-That's my one. Mine's alcoholic.

-I just drank alcohol.

-Oh, well. Is that the first time in a while?

Er, in three years.

-OK.

-Oh, shit!

-That's bad.

I think I'm going to have a lot to say.

"Jehnny would not shut up"!

Sounded great, Jehnny.

So, Jehnny, how did you get involved in Gorillaz?

-Well, we met on Tinder.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Nice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I'm glad it's worked out. That's great.

There's a tour.

Gorillaz are going on tour. Are you going on the tour?

Yeah, I'm going to do some of it.

Bits, bits. I mean, we've got a lot of people.

-Yeah.

-But people come and go, you know what I mean?

No-one sort of comes for the whole tour.

But we have all of these amazing visuals, so you get the sense

that they're there anyway.

That's extraordinary. So is the one constant you?

If you want to call it a constant, yes.

So you put it all together and you invite the other people?

Because that was Noel Gallagher on stage with you, wasn't it?

Oh, there he is!

APPLAUSE

I'm glad that's right!

So will Noel be doing any of the tour?

I think you're doing some of it, aren't you?

-Some of it, yeah.

-Bits. Bits.

-MICHAEL FASSBENDER:

-So when did you guys make up?

Quite a long time ago.

HE MOUTHS

Yeah, it's happening now.

This is part of it.

And the tour is an enormous tour, isn't it?

It is quite extensive, yes.

A lot of it is already sold and done,

so it's just Europe and Britain.

Isn't something going on sale soon?

I think tomorrow, Europe and Britain.

Oh, OK, good, where we are.

Woo-hoo! This has worked out really well!

Well, thank you for bringing all of that,

and a special shout out for that bell.

Is that a special bell?

I had three of those bells made at the Bow Bell foundry.

I had three notes on the last Gorillaz record.

There was a song called On Melancholy Hill,

and it has three notes, D, A and C Sharp,

and I had those three notes made,

thinking I was going to play them on the song.

I never actually played them on the song

-and they cost, like, £8,000 each.

-Wow.

-But they're the most beautiful bells you could ever imagine.

-Yeah.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, you can.

Is the price the same for the note,

or does it go up as the note goes up?

Well, actually, it goes up the lower it gets

because they have to get bigger.

I knew there was an answer to that.

A really high note is really cheap.

I'm going to sound really thick now

but what's the cracked bell in Philadelphia?

The Liberty Bell.

That's my hometown, baby.

That's from the same foundry, the Liberty Bell.

-Oh, it's the same foundry?

-You're absolutely right.

-You knew that?

-I knew that.

I didn't know and that's where I was born and raised so...

-Well, there you go!

-How much is that thing worth?

So that was probably made with the same moulds

-that the Liberty Bell was made with.

-No kidding.

Do you want to go and touch it?

I would love to.

I can? I can play?

I Love Dick. OK...

That's nearly it, but before we go, just time for a visit

to the big red chair. It's his show.

Who's there? Who's there?

-Hi.

-Hello, what's your name?

-Jason.

-Jason, lovely. Where are you from, Jason?

I'm from America.

OK, keeping that quite vague!

He's on the run from the police.

And do you live here, Jason?

Yeah, for about five months I'm living in London.

OK, what do you do here?

I'm dating a French girl.

Busy, busy, busy!

Busy, busy, busy.

All right, off you go with your story, Jason.

I want to apologise to her

because this story is about my ex-girlfriend.

What, not the French girl?

-Yeah, sorry.

-OK, but you went out with someone else.

-We've all lived.

-She's in the audience so, sorry...

-The French girl, or the ex?

-The French girl.

-Bonjour.

So my ex and I had this tradition where we would joke with each other,

where one of us would sneak up behind the other

and one of us would stick our hand between the other's legs

and swipe up really quick

and then yell, "Credit card accepted!"

LAUGHTER

Who's that girl in the beret leaving?

So one time, we were at the grocery store and I ran up behind her

and I stuck my hand between her legs and swiped up and I said,

"Credit card accepted!"

And she turned around and it wasn't my girlfriend.

And she started screaming, "What are you doing?"

And we had this back and forth before she stormed off.

And then my ex strolled over to me shaking her head and she said,

"Credit card denied."

That's not bad.

Shall we let him walk?

Michael says walk. You can walk, Jason.

Walk, walk, walk. Very good. APPLAUSE

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go on that red chair,

you can contact us via our website at this very address.

That is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests, Gorillaz, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kevin Bacon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jessica Chastain!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Michael Fassbender!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Diane Keaton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with pop star Imelda May,

comedian Jason Manford, actors Billie Piper and Charlie Hannon,

and iconic British director Guy Ritchie.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE