Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening, everyone. My name is Nicole Kidman,

and welcome to The Graham Norton Show!

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh!

Oh! Yes!

Yes!

Hello. Hello. Oh!

Good evening. Thank... Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

No, thank you. You're very welcome.

Hey, a great show tonight,

so you can kick back and relax after a whirlwind week of election fever.

Three weeks to go!

This week, one of my favourite parts of the campaign every time -

yeah, the unveiling of the battle buses.

I know. Exciting, yeah!

Here's the Tory one. Oh - beautiful!

"Theresa May for Britain."

As for Theresa, probably the first time she's ever been on a bus.

"What's that? It's a lorry with a door on the side."

It's funny, though. On the side, no mention of the Conservative Party -

just Theresa May.

Meanwhile, here's Jeremy Corbyn's bus.

No mention of Jeremy.

It's as if they're hoping we'll just forget about him.

Poor Jeremy. He can't catch a break. Here he is at this week's Labour manifesto launch.

What are the chances?

"I'll just sit here - what could go wrong?"

No!

Jeremy, though... Jeremy's had a great week. He's been chasing the youth vote, hasn't he?

And he had brunch with a grime artist, JME.

Mm-hm. Here they are.

That looks fun, doesn't it?

"What's that repetitive droning noise?"

said the grime artist.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minster aimed a little older and met some ladies

from the Women's Institute.

There was a slightly awkward moment when she said "I'm Mrs May,"

because they were working on plans for next year's nude calendar.

On Wednesday, the Lib Dems' manifesto came out.

It would have come out sooner, but Tim Farron couldn't decide if it was a sin or not.

I... I don't...

APPLAUSE Leave it! Leave it!

It was a long time ago.

Now, I don't know what my audience will think of this policy,

but the Lib Dems want to legalise cannabis.

CHEERING

It's not going to work, Tim.

Farron has said that he thinks the Lib Dems will win enough seats to be

the official opposition.

So not just legalising cannabis - he's also been smoking it.

Let's get some guests on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've got a special bumper night of music -

not only will we be having music and chat from the mighty Keith Urban,

we'll also have the brand-new single from the sensational Sheryl Crow, everybody.

But first, it's a rare treat to welcome this man back.

He's a star of stage and screen whose credits include The Good Wife,

GoldenEye, X-Men, and a Tony Award-winning turn in Cabaret.

Great Scot, it's Alan Cumming, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There he is. Oh, beautiful in green. How lovely to see you.

-You too.

-Alan Cumming!

And joining Alan, she's the Oscar-winning star of Moulin Rouge,

The Hours and this year's TV hit Big Little Lies.

It's always a pleasure to welcome back one of my favourites,

the beautiful and talented Nicole Kidman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

-Wow! Hello!

-Hi!

Hi! Come in, sit down. Oh!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

I was chatting to you backstage -

I was just focused on this bit of you.

I hadn't noticed the lovely...

-The split...

-The split!

-..which I have now covered.

-You look great!

-Give us a look, Nicole!

Welcome, both. It's a lovely night - lots of music.

Are you a fan of any of the acts we're having on, Nicole?

One in particular. Actually, both, because I have to say...

But you're not married to Sheryl Crow.

-Er...

-That is true.

So, yeah... So, I'm a fan of both of them.

Excellent. And very nice of Nicole Kidman to be here,

-because presumably you're dashing off to Cannes.

-I'm going to Cannes, yeah.

Have you guys bumped into each other at Cannes?

-You've hosted events at Cannes, haven't you?

-Have you, Alan?

Yes, I hosted the Cinema Against Aids gala, the Amfar thing.

-I'm doing that this year.

-You are?

-Yes.

-Oh!

Well, Alan's got some tips...

..as in, "Back out."

When I did it, they have these auction nights -

-it's like a big fundraiser thing.

-Yes, that's...

This is really sad.

You know Ryan Gosling?

-Yes.

-He...

So, he came on, and I didn't have to introduce this, thank goodness.

I just had to go on after him.

They said, "What we're going to do is, Ryan Gosling will make out

"with anyone in the audience, man or woman."

-He offered that?

-He offered that.

-I will not be offering that.

-Well...

-Guess what, though.

-How much money?

This is what happened.

This is what was terrible. The bidding started at 40,000,

or 40,000 euros or something.

And there was, like, crickets.

And Ryan Gosling's standing there licking his lips, getting ready.

And nobody bidded. Nobody bidded

and poor Ryan Gosling had to walk off.

I was like, "Take the... Start at 500."

It was just too much money, I don't know, or everyone was just too...

-Couldn't be bothered.

-That's awful.

-Mortification. I just thought,

-"Poor boy."

-Just the sound of his footsteps going...

At least he's bounced back. He hasn't let it dog him.

That's a good tip, cos offer it at, like, 100.

-Offer it low and then start up.

-100.

-50 pence!

Go low. Go low.

50 pence for a snog.

You go to Cannes a lot, Nicole.

-Yeah.

-And you've got about four things at Cannes this year.

-I do.

-So, how does that...

-But I'm small roles in some of them, and...

There's no small roles, only small actors, Nicole.

-"It's about me."

-I had a really good...

Pivotal, pivotal roles.

Kind of pivotal in some of them, and sometimes just supporting a friend,

where I've done something for a director friend of mine.

-You would have done that, right?

-Yeah, sure.

Yeah, and then I've got...

-Small role.

-Get me out of this!

Is that how you pick films?

More to do with the director than anything else?

No. I think... I'm so spontaneous.

Sometimes I'll choose things because of a script

and I'll hope the director that finds its way to the piece is good.

But, yeah, I am very drawn to auteurs -

an auteur is someone that basically has the vision for the project

and crafts it.

Is it because of James Wan? Is a friend of yours, James Wan?

Oh, you... Yes.

I was surprised to read, but you're going to be in Aquaman.

You are not Aquaman, but you're in it.

I'd love to be Aquaman.

I'm... I am the Queen Atlanna.

-Of course you are.

-Yeah!

I was like... My daughters were like, "Do you get to wear a crown?"

And I'm like, "Yes." "Do you get to have a tail?"

I said, "Hmm, I can't answer that."

But anyway... And then I said,

"I get to wear mother-of-pearl all over my body."

-Oh!

-And they were like, "Oh, do it, Mummy!"

So I get to wear a crown.

Do you get a shell bra?

-You'll have to wait and see.

-It's exciting, isn't it?

-I'll come back and talk about it.

There's a good action toy in your future.

But I wanted to have some fun, you know.

But now, talking of directors,

Sofia Coppola - obviously, she is one of the auteurs

-you were talking about.

-She is.

-And she's directed your latest film,

The Beguiled. It's out later in summer.

-It actually opens here on the 14th of July.

-Mm-hm.

So, it's set in the civil war

and it's a very female-led story - am I right?

Yes, and the great thing about The Beguiled, also,

is that it's a female director. I mean, there's five...

There's young children in it, young girls,

and then there's Kirsten Dunst, myself and Elle Fanning.

I play the woman who runs the...

Well, it's an orphanage, but it's more...

Because it's the civil war, you're not sure, but it's a school.

And then the things that happen,

and then Kirsten plays a governess at the school with me,

and we run the school and have the young girls who live there.

-And then there's one man, Colin Farrell.

-Wow!

Yeah, he's a darling.

Popular choice.

We've got a clip from The Beguiled.

-This is you, as the... How...? Headmistress?

-Yeah.

Yeah, there we go - headmistress.

Yeah, explaining the house rules to a very sleepy Colin Farrell.

-Is your leg paining you?

-Some.

-Well, I hear numbness would be more grave.

-Indeed.

There's some brandy if you wish.

Now, that would be a pleasure.

It's not being offered for your pleasure - only for your comfort.

-Yes, ma'am.

-I must remind you,

you are not a guest here. You are a most unwelcome visitor

and we do not propose to entertain you.

I wouldn't expect it, ma'am.

Although you'll find I'm easily amused.

-I see trouble ahead.

-Yes!

Colin Farrell is such good casting for that character.

The weirdest thing is, Colin and I are in two films together.

We did two films back-to-back. We did The Killing Of A Sacred Deer,

a nice, light... Another light affair.

-That's at Cannes, as well.

-That's the same guy who directed

-The Lobster.

-The Lobster.

-Did anyone see The Lobster?

-Oh, that was great.

-I love that film.

-Yes.

Is it like The Lobster?

Er, it's weird.

-Good. We like weird.

-Yeah, it's really weird.

-I love weird.

-But, now, you worked with Colin Farrell in this film,

like...a lot. I mean, there was one scene -

you filmed it more than I felt necessary.

-What?

-Are you talking about the sponge bath, Graham?

-Yes, Nicole, I am.

-Of course he is.

Yes. So, the chance... How long did you film the sponge bath for?

About a day.

-I had to give him a sponge bath for a day.

-OK.

-Yeah.

My husband's on this show - can we move off this now?

That isn't awkward, is it?

I guess it's always a bit awkward.

-Well, considering what we did in Sacred Deer, that was nothing.

-OK.

-Maybe we SHOULD move on.

-Let's move off the whole thing.

Alan, what is the thing you do...

You google people before you act with them?

I google people naked.

-No!

-I do.

I just... I feel like, you know, all that information's out there.

You're going to meet a new person and you're going to...

If you don't know them, I think, "Google them and see..."

And then I also do Google images

and put "naked" at the end of their name

and just see if there's anything out there,

cos if you're going to do sex scenes with them, you want to get a little heads up.

It's so different than looking for directors.

-You're just going to google them naked.

-Google my director naked!

If it's out there, if it's on the interweb and it's there,

-you might as well have a look.

-Yeah.

Now, it's time for our first musical performance of the evening.

Now, is this...? This is the intro I was planning.

Can you... That's all accurate, isn't it?

-Maybe more than that.

-More than that?

-Oh, no. OK.

-No, I'll go with more.

-Yeah.

-OK, OK.

-I think it was way more than four.

-OK.

He's won much more than four Grammy Awards...

LAUGHTER

..and is one of... No, the MOST successful American musician.

He's not an American, but in America.

Here performing a special version of The Fighter

with our very own Melanie C, it is Mr Keith Urban!

CHEERING

# I know he hurt you

# Made you scared of love

# Too scared to love

# He didn't deserve you

# Cos your precious heart

# Is a precious heart

# He didn't know what he had

# And I thank God

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# And it's gonna take just a little time

# But you're gonna see that I was born to love you

# What if I fall?

# I won't let you fall

# What if I cry?

# I'll never make you cry

# And if I get scared?

# I'll hold you tighter

# When they're tryin' to get to you

# Baby, I'll be the fighter

# What if I fall?

# I won't let you fall

# What if I cry?

# I promise I'll never make you cry

# And if I get scared?

# I'll hold you tighter

# When they're tryin' to get to you

# Baby, I'll be the fighter

# Look in the mirror

# Cos you're beautiful So beautiful... #

You're so beautiful, Mel!

# I'm here to remind you

# You're my only one

# Let me be the one

# To heal all the pain that he put you through

# With love like you never knew

# Just let me show you

# What if I fall?

# I won't let you fall

# What if I cry?

# I'll never make you cry

# And if I get scared?

# I'll hold you tighter

# When they're tryin' to get to you

# Baby, I'll be the fighter

# What if I fall?

# I won't let you fall

# What if I cry?

# I promise I'll never make you cry

# And if I get scared?

# I'll hold you tighter

# When they're tryin' to get to you

# Baby, I'll be the fighter

# Wanna believe that you got me, baby

# I swear, I do from now into the next life

# I wanna love, wanna give you all my heart

# What if I fall?

# I won't let you fall

# What if I cry?

# I promise I'll never make you cry

# And if I get scared?

# I'll hold you tighter

# When they're tryin' to get to you

# Baby, I'll be the fighter

# What if I fall?

# I won't let you fall

# What if I cry?

# I promise I'll never make you cry, Melanie

# And if I get scared?

# I'll hold you tighter

# When they're tryin' to get to you

# Baby, I'll be the fighter

# What if I fall?

# What if I cry?

# And if I get scared?

# I'll hold you tighter

# When they're trying to get to you

# Baby, I'll be the fighter

# Oh, ho. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mel C!

Keith Urban and Melanie C! Beautiful! Come on over, Keith.

-Great job, sir.

-Thank you.

-Great job! Keith Urban!

This is Alan, and I believe you know Nicole Kidman.

How are you, man? Good to meet you.

Pop yourself in there beside your lady wife. Very good.

And a big thank you to Melanie C, as well.

Thank you very much, Melanie C. Beautiful.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lovely!

-Thank you very, very much for doing that.

-Thank you.

That was very good.

What did you think, Nicole?

-Fantastic!

-Was that the best you've heard him sing it?

-Yes!

-It was good, wasn't it?

Now, that is the current single off your album Ripcord,

-which is out now.

-Yes.

-CHEERING

-Do your fans have a name?

-Such a lively bunch!

Are they Urbanites, or...?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

What? They have their own names.

-Sorry, what are you?

-Urban Army.

-Urban Army!

-The Urban Army.

-Very aggressive!

-It does sound...

It sounds quite intimidating.

Be very careful - the Urban Army are in.

-They're very nice fans. Very good fans.

-Thank you.

Yes, lovely. And, er... Now, I've heard you talk in interviews

about how your manager influenced your music and everything

but that song in particular sort of references Nicole, doesn't it?

Well, it... Yeah. The theme of the song

was really early in our relationship,

just wanting to reassure her that I'm a safe place to be -

I'll take care of her, you know? That's really what the song's about.

-Aw!

-Oh, come on!

Turned into a Hallmark crowd like that!

Look - happy people!

Where did you meet?

In Los Angeles at this event called G'day LA.

I'm not making this up! These are true names.

I think we might have a picture of you meeting.

This is the day you met. There you are.

And was it kind of... Was it, like, "G'day, LA"?

Was it sort of... Was it pa-ping?

Well, we have discrepancies over that.

That's funny!

It's going to become The Newlyweds here in a minute.

He brought it up. I didn't...

And, yeah, well, we didn't sort of...

I was about to say "hook up", but that was the wrong...

He didn't call me for about three, four months.

Four months, I say. He says different, but anyway...

-I was scared.

-Aw!

I was, because.. No, seriously, someone gives me Nic's number...

You didn't get it from her?

-No!

-Who got...? Your publicist or something?

-Alan!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-Someone passed it to you in a dark alley?

-Anyway...

He paid good money for that number.

-12 years later, two babies later...

-Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, the last time you were here, Nicole, we enjoyed some of

your early modelling work on the late, lamented Dolly Magazine.

Thank you, Graham.

No, beautiful, finely judged work. Er...

I was shocked that you found them.

-Don't worry - we're not showing them again.

-Oh, good.

There is others.

-There are some lovely pictures of Keith, as an...

-Oh!

..emerging bright star on the Australian music scene.

Here you are in Tamworth.

-Oh!

-That's cute!

-That is adorable.

-You know what's really criminal about that?

Actually, that was last Tuesday!

-What's criminal is how tight your jeans are.

-I know.

Yeah, the population of Tamworth's growing.

-That's not all.

-The elevation!

I wouldn't recognise you in that picture, but then there's another picture.

I only know this is you because it says it's you.

This is Keith Urban.

I mean, check that out.

-That's unbelievable.

-Yeah, yeah.

My love!

In his yearbook it would have said,

"Boy least likely to marry Nicole Kidman."

Not until you see MY yearbook.

-We need yours.

-Huh?

We need Nic's picture next.

No, we've had Nicole in all her glory.

No more. Come on. Alan, Alan! We need Alan.

-OK, well, Alan.

-Uh-oh!

-No, it's in your book.

There has to be a story or an explanation to this.

Around the same time as Keith was wearing very tight jeans...

-Uh-oh. What was I wearing?

-..you were on a school trip to Germany...

-Ugh!

-..without jeans.

-The thing is...

-Was that just the look?

-We were all doing it in the '70s.

-What I love about this is,

-he's still a fan of a tidy sock.

-Good legs!

The thing is, a girl who was at school, was on that school trip,

sent it to me via Twitter and I was like, "Ah-ha-ha."

And then I thought, "Why DID I have no trousers on?"

I must have taken them off for a bet. I don't know.

But it's a good look.

You do seem very calm about it.

Kind of, "Yeah, I'm rocking a short jumper dress."

"I've got no trousers on. Deal with it".

I have this theory - most men have excellent legs.

-People say that.

-Yeah, right?

-It's not... I think...

What I think is interesting is that a lot of men have body parts...

Not body parts, but bits of their bodies that women desire.

Like slim hips, long eyelashes.

So I think women think that all men have better things

that they want than them. It's not true.

I've seen a lot of naked men - I know.

Thank you.

Now, talking about the Urban Army, your fans.

Well, Sunday, Faith and...

-We're in that army, too.

-No.

-Yeah, yeah.

So, they come to your concerts and they demonstrate

their love in different ways.

And there was a woman who wanted you to sign HER.

Oh! No.

It was years ago - I was doing a concert in this big venue,

and somebody in the crowd yelled out, "Will you sign my leg?"

And I thought, "This will be a good moment," you know.

So I'm like, "Yeah, come on up here," you know, cos I thought, "This'll be great."

This was years before I met Nic, and I thought this would make

a great moment on stage.

And so she disappeared for a minute.

I couldn't see her head.

Next minute, she reappeared and then lobbed this

prosthetic leg onto the stage, which landed with a thud.

So I...

I picked it up and signed it and then I thought,

"What's the correct prosthetic-leg-returning etiquette?"

Do you just...? Do you crowd-surf it?

Do you say, "Hop up here"? I mean...

-Insane.

-They crowd-surfed it back and she attached it

-and was like, "Yeah!"

-Yay!

-Unbelievable!

Oddly, the title of your book, Alan, which is out now,

My Life Stories And Pictures, You've Gotta Get Bigger Dreams.

This comes from a sort of fan story?

Well, sort of. Well, it's like someone... It's our friend -

our mutual friend, very dear old friend, Eddie -

-is a massive fan of Oprah.

-Not that old, we should say!

-Well...

-He will be watching.

He will. Sorry, Eddie.

But he's a massive fan of Oprah, as we all know.

Well, you don't know, but he is.

And really a mega fan.

So the... So the book's called that because a story in the book

is the title of that.

So what happened was, I was invited to this big event

where Oprah was getting honoured, getting an award.

So I thought, "I've got to take Eddie as my date,"

so I did, and we got there and he was just, like, frenzied.

"I want to get a photo with Oprah, I want to get a photo with Oprah."

I was like, "That might not happen, Eddie, and I'm not going to guarantee it.

"And I'm not going to be..." Cos I thought, if that does happen,

I'd have to go and say, "Oprah, my friend Eddie wants..."

But I'm not going to do that, you know.

"It might happen but just..." Anyway, I said,

"You know how when people come up to me in bars and we're having dinner

"and they ask for a photo and how pissed off you get

"about that on my behalf?"

He went, "I see your point.

"I still want a photograph."

So we're at this thing and there's a big dinner

and it was, like, crazy.

Oprah was at this central big table

with, like, Stephen Spielberg and...

Jesus and everybody. And we...

We were all at these tables going around.

We were like satellites going around Oprah.

And Barbara Walters was hosting the thing.

And she went, "And here's Itzhak Perlman." He's...

"And here's Jessye Norman." She's singing away.

And it's just, like, full on.

And then at one point she goes, "And now we're going to have a break.

"And after the break, Oprah."

And we're like, "Oh, my God."

And so Gayle, Oprah's friend, came over to say hello to us.

And we were at this kind of Siberia-like table.

We were kind of near the loos and I could see Eddie a bit like...

Gayle came over, so that was like the nearness of Gayle,

cos she's Oprah's best friend.

And then she turned round to talk to someone and Eddie said...

Her bum was right there and Eddie said,

"Take a picture, take a picture."

So I took a picture of Gayle's bum and Eddie's head.

And then we saw Oprah way over there.

He said, "Take a picture of Oprah far away and me in a thing."

So I had this camera and I was trying to zoom it in.

It wasn't my camera. It was my husband Grant's,

so I was a little unused to it. I was trying to zoom.

And I got her in focus and then suddenly she stood up.

I was like, "Fuck you, Oprah."

She stood up and started... And I was like, "Oh, Christ!"

And then I realised she was coming towards us

because she was going to the loo.

And I said, "Eddie, she's coming. She's going to come right by here.

"She's going to totally come. "This moment could happen."

And so I'm trying to unzoom the thing to get it back.

And he's freaking out. I can feel his energy -

he's like a tingly little thing.

And as Eddie stands up and he blocks her path,

and I'm trying to fiddle the thing.

And I hear him, in this little choirboy voice going,

"Oprah, may I have a photo with you?

"It would be my dream."

Oprah went, "You gotta get bigger dreams."

So, then I...

I snapped the picture.

I snapped the picture,

and it is one of the worst pictures I've ever taken.

-I'm sure you have it for us all to see.

-We do.

This is the picture that Eddie dreamed of getting.

But I actually think it's... I actually think it's perfect,

because it's absolutely what that moment was like.

Oprah is a goddess and she can only be half present.

Eddie was a bloody mess.

Oh, dear! But it's a great book.

Lots of really good stories and lots of...

-And you took all the photographs?

-It's a book of photos and stories - I took them all, yeah.

And there's some really eccentric pictures.

This is a woman in the Ritz Carlton.

She was a lady I met in a bar in Boston in a hotel.

Remember when you were little and you used to make puppets with your

mum's tights and you stuffed them with newspapers?

That was what I think her legs looked like.

Did you ask permission? "Can I take a picture of your funny legs?"

Yes, I did. She was drunk at the time, so it didn't matter.

And that's Honey, my dead dog.

-Aw!

-Living in the picture, everyone, all right?

-Was he?

-What?

-Honey was alive then? Yeah.

This wasn't a beautiful parting gesture.

"I'll just take this one last thing.

"One last snap of her feet, Honey!"

And we must mention quickly, you've got a new television show.

-I do, yes.

-Yes.

-I'm going to be an action hero.

-Isn't it crazy?

-It is! It's great, though.

It's proper big CBS. Will it be...? Presumably someone here will buy it.

I hope so, yeah, I'm sure. I don't think they're guaranteed, but...

-What is it?

-It's called Instinct.

And I play...

LAUGHTER

He really is the star of it.

He's not just pivotal - it is about him.

I play this professor of behavioural analysis at Penn State University

and he has idiosyncratic teaching methods.

A little bit of an oddball.

Imagine! And then we discover that not only am I a professor,

-I used to be a CIA agent.

-No!

-Naturally!

-Get out of town!

-Don't give it all away.

You find out in the first five minutes.

So I'm drawn back into the field and my CIA past obviously helps...

And also, I'm gay and I have a husband in it

and we're trying to adopt a child, and it's the first network drama

in America to have a gay character as the leading role.

-Oh, wow! Well done, you.

-Finally!

Congratulations. Brilliant!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Now, Nicole, am I allowed to say that someone on the couch - you -

you've got one of those birthdays coming up.

-You are allowed, yes.

-Next month?

-Yeah.

-We're saying the number, aren't we?

-Ha-ha!

If I looked like you, I'd be SCREAMING the number.

Yeah, no, no, I'm totally... I'm going to be 50, and I'm so excited.

CHEERING Wow.

We don't want to spoil any surprises,

but anything good planned?

Yes, absolutely.

I've got a lot of good stuff planned, but I can't mention it.

Are you not involved in it at all?

You're just trusting him?

I'm not a big birthday person.

She's not good with surprises at all.

No, I actually break out in a cold sore if I have a surprise.

And that plus birthday is really bad.

Since I was little, yeah, I get cold sores.

Gosh. I had...

But I did have a surprise party once when I was 30,

and it was so shocking to me because people had come from overseas and

they'd set it all up and I sort of walked in and I broke out

-in a cold sore.

-Like, immediately, a cold sore comes out?

On the spot. Yeah.

It was so...

Like, my whole body couldn't understand.

Cos, actually, I'd been on the phone to my mother - here's why I did -

I said "Dad, can you get my mum?"

He was like, "Oh, no, she's in the garden." Right.

And then I walked into the room and my mum was there

and I'd called Australia, and this was in Montana and I'm like...

"Whoa!"

-Then I broke out in a cold sore.

-Cold sore, of course!

The night was awful.

I was like "I've got to go! I feel revolting! I got to go home."

"No photographs!"

The other thing with a surprise party... I mean,

I'm sure some people love a surprise party. But, as a girl,

you kind of want to be dressed and ready for it.

You don't want to be in your sweat pants and a T-shirt

and everyone else is all dressed up and you've got a cold sore and...

-But, Keith, the 40th...

-It just doesn't go well.

-I've got them right here.

-Come in, everyone.

But the 40th - was that a surprise, what you did for the 40th?

That sounded so lovely.

Yeah. I lit off a tonne of fireworks.

-Well,

-I

-didn't do it, but...

-You must have broken out in all sorts of

things if you didn't know those were coming.

..about this, and with the...

Yeah, he did fireworks on my 40th,

which was amazing.

-For just the two of you?

-Yeah.

-I think that's amazing.

There were two of you and you set fireworks off suddenly?

Yeah, I... Well, she was shooting a film -

Australia, the Baz Luhrmann film -

and we were in this very small town in Australia

and I miraculously found some company nearby that did fireworks

and said, "Bring everything you have. Just bring everything."

-And there was a little mountaintop or something.

-Yeah.

And I had a couch taken up there, dropped off there,

and we drove up there and we got out of the car and I said,

"Look, there's a couch over here." She's like, "A couch?"

And we sat down and then all these fireworks started going off.

You win. You win.

-That's...

-Yeah, that was...

-..very good.

Nicole, you've got another great TV show returning to BBC Two

later this year, Jane Campion's Top Of The Lake.

This one is called China girl.

This is... I have a supporting role in this.

This is Lizzie Moss's series that she started with Jane.

And I don't know if anyone saw the first series - it was fantastic.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's so good. And I've seen some of it -

you're really good in it.

-You're fantastic.

-I'm very different in it.

-You are,

-but really great.

-But, as an actor, and I'm sure Alan's...

To be able to play so many different roles at this stage

in my life is fantastic. Something like Big Little Lies -

Reese and I...

APPLAUSE Yeah, people love that show.

That came out of frustration because we were like,

"We're not being offered complicated, interesting roles

"right now, so we need to go and do it ourselves."

And then we were able to offer our friends roles.

Laura Dern and Shailene Woodley and all of the women that are in it

are friends of ours.

So we were able to generate work not just for ourselves but for our

friends, and that felt really cool.

Because it's Jane Campion...

No, this was Big Little Lies.

-No, I know, but Top Of The Lake...

-Sorry, right.

Top Of The Lake was Jane Campion.

It is always that embarrassing thing where you don't want to assume

-that Australian people know each other...

-Right.

-..just because

they're from Australia, but you have known her for donkey's years.

-Jane discovered me in a drama school when I was 14 years old.

-Wow!

And she cast me in her student film at the time.

And we have a friendship, you know, and I'm now 50,

so, I mean, that many years.

And that, to me, is the great thing about this industry,

is when you can have that journey together.

You nearly didn't, because didn't you not do that student film?

I didn't do the student film, because...

I very much regret it.

But I didn't do it, cos she wanted me to wear a shower cap

and kiss a girl, and I was 14 at the time and I was like,

"No, no, I want to kiss a boy I want to have nice hair."

Which was worse - the shower cap, or kissing the girl?

-I'd say the shower cap.

-The shower cap!

Now, I'd be like, "Yes, please!

"I'll kiss a girl, I'll wear a shower cap."

I'd be showing you clips of it now, so you're glad you didn't do it.

-It's a fantastic film. Are you kidding?

-Oh, is it?

-Oh, I wish I was in it.

-Do we know anyone who was in it?

-Who played you?

-Er...

-There you go, see?

Doesn't matter, Alan.

A really good Australian actress, who...

I don't know.

They're really good in Australia - they're excellent.

They won't be throwing things at the television right now.

-It's a really good actress.

-We'll cut this bit out - don't worry.

We'll just dub in her name.

In my voice.

"Mary Smith."

Anyway, for any trivia, the film is called A Girl's Own Story,

and it's part of her film-school work that Jane had.

She made some amazing film-school films.

Let's have a clip of Top Of The Lake,

and this is you and Elisabeth Moss having a confrontation. So good!

Hi, there.

I'm just leaving.

I, er, got stood up by Mary at the Sushi Train.

You haven't heard from her, have you?

-Sorry, no.

-Pike said that she stayed with you.

Thanks for that. It's little a bit awkward right now,

so all hands on deck, right?

She's my daughter, too.

You think that, do you?

Yes.

Before she was born, while she was unconscious...

-Julia!

-What? Come on!

I'm grateful - of course I am -

but I'm the one who cared for her

every single day, every single night,

since she was a baby, so...

Her? Nine months.

-That's enough.

-What? That's enough?

I am her mother.

Not two.

Ooh, so good!

Excellent.

Right, it's time to meet my final guest.

This lady is a nine-time Grammy Award winner - awkward! -

and has sold over 50 million albums worldwide.

Here performing... It's not a competition!

Here performing her new single, Be Myself, please welcome Sheryl Crow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I saw my shrink today

# He said, "Girl, I can't help you

# "I've been seeing you so long

# "But nothing has changed

# "You tried Adderall and alcohol

# "Sadly the fact remains

# "You're terminally normal, I'm sorry to say"

# So I shaved my head and I changed my name

# And I gave my pills away

# If I can't be someone else

# If I can't be someone else

# Oh, if I can't be someone else

# I might as well be myself, myself

# Be myself

# Hanging with the hipsters is a lot of hard work

# How many selfies can you take before you look like a jerk?

# I took an Uber to a juice bar to hear a new indie band play

# They got 99 million followers in only one day

# Well, I snapped that pic and I made the slip

# I got into a stranger's car

# Well, the heels don't fit so I finally quit

# And headed back to my favourite bar

# If I can't be someone else

# If I can't be someone else

# Oh, if I can't be someone else

# I might as well be myself, myself

# Woo

# Don't you wanna be your own girl?

# Don't you wanna be your own girl?

# Don't you wanna be your own girl?

# Oh, oh

# If I can't be someone else

# If I can't be someone else

# Oh, if I can't be someone else

# Ow!

# If I can't be someone else

# If I can't be someone else

# Oh, if I can't be someone else

# I might as well Might as well be myself

# Ooh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sheryl Crow, everybody.

Come on over and join me.

Sheryl Crow! Beautiful job. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Lovely to see you.

Come and see the others. There's Alan, Keith, Nicole, Sheryl.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Hi, hi, hi. Have a seat, do.

-I think I'm... Am I here?

-That's traditional. There you go.

Often when the musician comes over, I introduce the musician to the...

-But you know everyone.

-We're like neighbours.

Genuinely, like, a few doors down.

-Like a mile away from each other.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-We just went on a girls' trip.

-Yes, we did.

-Which was fantastic.

-It was awesome.

-I didn't want to leave.

There were seven of us, who are all friends, in Nashville,

all women, and we all went away, for just two nights.

Only two nights. None of us wanted to leave.

-It was like leaving camp.

-"Oh, we can't make it."

We all went and we just had the best time.

-Where did you go?

-We went to the Bahamas.

-Yes.

-For two nights? Oh, I guess you're nearer.

From here, that would be quite a long way.

My geography is not great.

We should mention, by the way,

that is from the album Be Myself, which is out now.

-Yes.

-There it is. Product, product, product.

-I love that!

-It's a great album.

-So, you're neighbours with them.

-Yes.

And, Alan, you have an odd connection.

Yes. So...

Keep it clean, keep it clean.

Totally.

My manager, Jason... We were at a fundraising thing -

-you know Jason Weinberg?

-Yeah.

And there was a prize you could win in the auction thing

that was to sing backing vocals at one of Sheryl's concerts.

I was with Jason. I can't...

But anyway, bought me the prize of being Sheryl's backup vocalist.

-Have you done it?

-No.

-No!

But I'm getting ready to play in New York City, so...

-Oh, you are?

-Yes.

-We keep trying but we never...

I have a fantastical outfit I want you to wear.

Actually, there's no pants, though, with it!

I'm there! I'm in!

-OK, yes. The Beacon.

-The Beacon?

-I'm going to get you the dates.

I don't know the dates, but it is in June.

-Will you do it?

-Yes, I'm totally there. Well, actually... Late June?

Can we do this afterwards?

Tick-tock!

Getting diaries out.

"I'm not sure. Can you do dinner afterwards?"

"I could maybe make it between..."

Now, new album, presumably... Are you touring the new album?

We're trying. We want to do some summer festivals,

so anyone that's a promoter, knows a promoter, related to a promoter,

married to a promoter, divorced from a promoter,

Instagrams with promoters, let 'em know.

Urban Army are very keen to know... Are you touring here?

Not right now but I hope we get to do it...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT

-Yes, very soon.

I feel like I'm getting in trouble.

"No, I never intended to perform here again."

"That was my last performance."

-No, you will come back for the Urban Army.

-Absolutely.

-Of course.

-Urban Army! I like that.

They made it slightly menacing.

Sheryl Crows - what are they called?

-I don't have an army.

-Aw!

-I know.

-Crow's feet?

-I feel kind of ripped off.

What was that? Crow's feet.

Yeah, the Crow's feet. Actually, most of my audience could qualify.

Thank you very much for that performance - Sheryl Crow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nearly it but, before we go, we do have time for a visit

to the big red chair. Who is there?

-Oh, hello. Hi. What's your name?

-Wendy.

Wendy. Lovely, Wendy. What do you do?

I'm a medical secretary for an orthopaedic surgeon.

-And where does that happen?

-In Guildford. Just outside.

-In Milford?

-Yes.

-Milford. Milford.

-No, Guildford.

-Hmm?

-Guildford!

Guildford! Not Milford - Guildford.

-I say, Guildford!

-Got it!

OK, Wendy, off you go with your story.

So, when I used to live in Cumbria,

there are loads of pubs - small market town -

and we used to go for drinks every Saturday night. Big pub crawl.

Raced from one pub to the other. Last one in had to buy the drinks.

So, usual - racing ahead.

I got to the pub first - really pleased.

Get to the bar to order the drink, knowing I'm not going to pay for it,

and I got to the bar and everybody was looking at me and the barman was

looking, my friends were looking at me and their mouths were agape.

I was like, "What's the problem?"

They were all looking down, open-mouthed.

I looked down and my boob tube had rolled completely down...

Needless to say, I did get served very quickly.

Oh, you want me to do it? OK!

There you go! Wahey!

-She wanted to be. She asked!

-OK. I didn't hear.

She's fun, is Wendy, isn't she?

She's wasted as an orthopaedic surgeon's secretary.

-She needs to get out more.

-I wonder if she wears a boob tube to work.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

I guess running in a boob tube is never a... It's a mistake.

-One more. One more. Here we go.

-Hey, Graham, if he gets pushed, can I push the thing?

-Yes, of course.

-I've always wanted to do that.

-Well, stand by.

-All right, OK. Here we go. What's your name, sir?

-Marcel.

Marcel. How tall are you, Marcel?

-180.

-What is that in measurements I might understand?

180 metres. How do you change it to your...?

I've lost interest, Marcel.

Oh!

I've wanted to do that for so long!

Thank you, Alan. Well done, everyone. If you'd like to join us

on the show and have a go in the red chair,

you can contact us via our website at this very address.

I'd say about seven feet. Seven feet tall. That is it for tonight.

Please, a huge thank you to my guests...

Sheryl Crow. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alan Cumming. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Keith Urban. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Nicole Kidman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with guests including

former One Directioner Liam Payne,

comedian and writer David Walliams

and the fabulous Salma Hayek.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye.