Episode 8 The Graham Norton Show


Episode 8

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Good evening, buenas noches. I am Salma Hayek and welcome to the Graham Norton Show! Yeah!

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Hello!

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CHEERING

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Good evening!

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Good evening.

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You're very welcome, thank you for being here.

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Whoo!

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Now, look, normally at the start of the show

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we take a look at some of the funny things that have been going on in the world.

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Sometimes, the world isn't a very funny place, especially this week,

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after the terrible event in Manchester.

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So, tonight, look, all we're hoping to do is bring you a bit of distraction.

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We're gonna do our show, chat about films, books,

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hear music, tell some silly stories,

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flip some people on a big red chair,

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and we hope it brings a smile.

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But I would like to say one thing.

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We record this show in London, I live in London,

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I'm sure most of you are from London.

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But we are watched, not only the length and breadth of Britain,

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but all around the world, too.

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And that gives me the chance to say, Manchester, we're all standing with you.

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OK!

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APPLAUSE

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Um...

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Shall we begin our show?

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Let's start it!

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CHEERING

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OK, we'll get some guests! Later, we'll be joined by the stars of the new BBC comedy, White Gold,

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Ed Westwick and James Buckley!

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But fir... CHEERING Yes!

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But first! He was part of the biggest boy band in the world,

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One Direction, and now he's launching his bid for solo stardom.

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Please welcome Liam Payne, everybody!

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That's Liam Payne!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, sir!

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-Very nice to see you!

-Hi!

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-Have a seat.

-Thank you.

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Liam Payne!

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This man is not just the award-winning co-creator

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of Little Britain and our favourite judge on Britain's Got Talent,

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he's also one of the country's most successful children's authors.

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It's David Walliams, everybody!

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CHEERING

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Lovely to see you. Come in, sit down.

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And this Hollywood leading lady

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is one of my favourite guests. Her latest film, Beatriz At Dinner,

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will be opening this year's Sundance Festival in London.

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It's a warm welcome back to the fabulous Salma Hayek!

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CHEERING Wowzer! Wowzer!

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You look amazing. Hello!

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-This is stunning!

-Thank you.

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Salma Hayek, everybody!

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Whoo!

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I would describe this couch as something for everyone.

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That is quite the couch, I like it!

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-Welcome back, welcome back... Well, all welcome back!

-Yes.

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-Yes, but of course, it's Liam's first time by yourself.

-Yes.

-Flying solo.

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It's a very different sofa, I can fit on it properly.

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-Not on a stool at the end.

-Yes.

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Old knees.

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-You are singing for us later.

-Yes.

-The new single.

-Yes, er, Strip That Down.

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-Well done, that's your job.

-What's the name again?

-Strip That Down.

-Strip That Down?

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-DAVID AND LIAM:

-Strip That Down.

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-Oh, Strip That Down.

-Don't pretend you know, David!

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I'm a Directioner, I know everything about it!

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I love a great boy band.

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Why is that funny?

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-And you're the greatest of all time.

-Thank you!

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We worked together at the Royal Variety Performance.

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-Yes! Which was a lot of fun, that was great.

-I played a kind of super-fan.

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-Yes.

-I was dressed... This is a first, Graham, but I was dressed as a woman.

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-LAUGHTER

-There's a first time for everything!

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-And we did a...

-Was it the last time?

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No, it was not!

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LAUGHTER

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It really wasn't.

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And, listen, before we do anything else, we must all say a huge congratulations

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to Liam, a new daddy! You and Cheryl have a baby.

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CHEERING

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Yeah! How old now? Weeks!

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He is just over two months, he's nearly nine weeks.

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-Oh, that old!

-Yes.

-Wow.

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And you were there at the birth, you were there at the birth, definitely.

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Yes, I was there at the birth and it was...

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It was the most amazing thing and then I was left with Bear after...

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after she gave birth and she fell asleep,

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and I'd never changed a nappy before until I met Bear, so I was like,

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"I can do this." I spent the whole day doing the nappy changing business

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and I was getting along with it just fine, it was going great.

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I hadn't been wee'd on, we struck a deal early doors.

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And then, at five o'clock in the morning,

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Bear woke up and my missus was like, "Oh, I'll do this one."

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So I was like, "Cool, yeah, OK." Hand over Bear.

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So his first nappy change, she unveils the nappy. He's poo'd.

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First time it's happened. And then he starts sprouting off wee like a mini Bellagio painting.

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In my head there was music and slow-mo going on and everything,

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wee going everywhere.

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Yeah, it was... I think it was very ironic after she did

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all the hard work, but as I said we struck a deal early doors, so it was OK.

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-I like that, music and slow motion.

-It was!

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-I thought the lights flickered on and off at one point, I swear to God.

-Is your wife breast-feeding?

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-Yes, she is, yes.

-Good girl!

-Yes, she's doing really well.

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The best you can do for your kid. I was breast-feeding for 14 months

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and it got complicated. I was very discreet, hiding.

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But one time... My mom's an opera singer,

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-and one time...

-Amazing.

-..she's also hypoglycaemic,

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and opera singers are always a bit diva-ish, right,

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so I'm with my mother and another friend who's also breast-feeding,

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and my husband and some other people,

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and we're in Ibiza and my mom starts going,

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"I'm getting the hypoglycaemia.

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"I'm getting it! We have to eat right now! Right here."

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So it's an outdoor cafe, there's many outdoor cafes full of people.

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Now, now she sits down, right,

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and then I have to feed the baby. So nobody's really recognised me yet,

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and I have this shawl, I am covering.

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Really trying to be low-key.

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And then this poor guy comes with his guitar

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-to try to sing Torna a Surriento in the middle of the cafe.

-Oh, wow.

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And my mom, who cannot miss an opportunity to show off...

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They're eating, my friend and I are like this.

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And my mom starts going, sitting down,

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# No, to-to, to-to... #

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Everyone starts standing around and going, "Wow, wow."

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And then at some point, you know, she feels the attention

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and she starts

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# La-la.... #

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She does one super loud,

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and then people start coming out of the other cafes,

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and then she stands up,

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and she starts performing!

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And the poor guy behind her with the little guitar,

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me with my tit out...

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LAUGHTER

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I take it out to hide it and the baby starts crying, she's like,

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"Shush!"

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You know, my friend is also not knowing what to do, so...

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Let me tell you something, for breastfeeding mothers,

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the fact that you're famous is not going to go well.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Now...

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Salma Hayek is in a great movie, it's called Beatriz At Dinner.

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It opens the Sundance Film Festival, which is in London.

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-Yes, next week.

-There are various Sundances, so this one is in London next Thursday.

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And, now, you play Beatriz. How do you describe it? Because it's half a comedy of manners

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and yet it also has this quite profound sort of social conscience.

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-Exactly.

-What do you tell people about it?

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I tell them to go see it.

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I tell them to go see it because I think it's fantastic,

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and this is one of those rare occasions where I'm not lying.

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I feel you.

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You have the studios pushing you and you have to say and you're like,

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"Yeah, it's wonderful!" You know,

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um, and inside you're like, "I hope nobody sees this."

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LAUGHTER

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But this one, actually, I think they should go see it.

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It's different, it's, er...

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Very strong. It makes you think a lot.

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Er, it...it makes you laugh, it makes you...

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-..feel nervous.

-Yes.

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-Yeah, it makes you uncomfortable.

-It makes you uncomfortable.

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Um, I play a holistic healer.

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And I am invited by...

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by force, because they have no other choice, to this dinner,

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of very powerful people.

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And I... Talk about fish out of water,

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and, um...

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It's like the worst night of my life. I mean,

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I'm sure you guys have had some really bad dinners, but this movie... This really is very bad.

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We've got a clip from the film. This, appropriately enough,

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it's sort of self-explanatory, I think,

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-this is just Beatriz at the dinner.

-At part of the dinner, yeah.

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Tonight you have a choice of two entrees the chef has prepared...

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I would just like to say to Cathy and Grant,

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thank you for having me tonight. I know you were not expecting me,

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but I love Tara, I love your family and I love being in your house.

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And it's an honour to meet all of you.

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Aww, so sweet, thank you.

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And I would like to give you all treatments, free, of course,

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as my way of saying thank you for including me tonight.

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-Oh, no, Beatriz, you don't have to do that!

-A treatment? What do you mean?

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-She's a masseuse, Doug, she gives massages.

-We're getting free massages? All of us?

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-At the same time?

-You wish, you sicko!

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You would have to come to the centre in Santa Monica.

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-I have an office.

-You have an office, good for you.

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APPLAUSE

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And while you were on set you had a birthday.

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-Yes, I turned 50.

-No!

-What?

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Good, right? Good.

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APPLAUSE

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No! No.

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And I had no Botox! No Botox!

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-APPLAUSE

-No Botox! No fillers.

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-Salma!

-But I do confess...

-You should see her close up!

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It's a patchwork quilt!

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No, I have to give a tip, I have to confess because the girls...

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I do pull my hair, you see, it's like...

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Here's it's a little bit pulled.

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It's giving me a headache but I'm enduring it for you.

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You cannot do that.

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You probably could do it but... in a couple of years.

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LAUGHTER

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-What Botox or the hair?

-No, the pulling.

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-You don't need it.

-Thank you.

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GRAHAM LAUGHS

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"No, it doesn't make me feel good, thank you(!)"

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-But anyway...

-They celebrated your birthday.

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They celebrated and brought a Mariachi band.

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I was really moved. I came to work cos I had to work on my 50th!

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But when I arrived, bitch, I'm sorry, I was not happy.

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I have to work today, blah, blah, blah.

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Then of course I opened the car door and there's this Mariachi,

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and I cried, it was amazing.

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They told me the producer, when Miguel proposed the Mariachi,

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she said, "But is that politically correct because she's Mexican,

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"to bring a Mariachi actually? Is she going to think it's racist?"

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So she was really nervous.

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So I made a joke at her and said, "I need to talk to you."

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I said, "I'm really grateful for the thought of doing something on my

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"birthday, but really?

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"A Mariachi?!

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"Are we having tacos for lunch?"

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She was nearly in tears.

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I said, "I'm sorry, I find this a little racist but..."

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Then I said it was OK.

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David, you get invited to all sorts of things.

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You were on holiday when Bryan Ferry invited you to something?

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Yes, I was at a very nice hotel in Turks and Caicos and

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Bryan Ferry was also staying there. I knew him a little bit.

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-Prince was there as well.

-Wow.

-This was a few years ago.

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GRAHAM LAUGHS

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Oh, ha-ha-ha, Prince is dead, yeah.

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Glad you can see the funny side(!)

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And Bryan said, "Would you like to come over and have dinner with Prince?"

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I thought this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

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so I said, "Yes, of course."

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It was a quite awkward conversation because Prince doesn't say

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much and Bryan Ferry isn't that talkative either.

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So we sat there with nothing much to say and Prince doesn't

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ask any questions. He doesn't go, "Oh, what do you do?"

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or say, "You're my favourite judge on Britain's Got Talent,"

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or anything like that.

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There was a magazine there with a picture of Florence + the Machine

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and I say, "Oh, do you know Florence + the Machine?"

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They both say, "No, I don't know her."

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I said, "She just did that brilliant cover of that dance song."

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They were like, "Which dance song?"

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"You know the one, You've Got The Love."

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Prince said, "I don't know the song."

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I went... # You got the love I need to see you through...

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# Sometimes I feel like... #

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I'm singing to Prince and Bryan Ferry!

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The most embarrassing moment of my life!

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They're just looking at me blankly, like I'm mad and I've made up this song.

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It was horrible. When Prince left, it was an amazing sense of relief.

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You meet somebody really, really famous and you just

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desperately want it to end.

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You can say you've met them but you want it to be over.

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-It was horrible.

-I had that with P. Diddy.

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I went over to say hello to P. Diddy and Jay Z was there and

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-Leonardo DiCaprio was sat...

-All right, you've dropped enough names.

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OK! I think people thought Prince and Bryan Ferry was good.

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We don't need to hear about other people who were in the room.

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-All right, I digress.

-Keep to the people the story is about.

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So I went over, I was trying to think who was the easy target

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in this scenario, who's the one you go to to say hello?

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I'm thinking, I saw him in Get Him To The Greek,

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so I'm going to go over there and say hello to him.

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So I thought P. Diddy.

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I went to shake his hand and I was like, "Nice to meet you."

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He just goes, "Huh huh huh huh."

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But the longest handshake ever.

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I'm like sat there, looking in P. Diddy's eyes, like,

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"When is this going to end?"

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Then the worst thing that happened,

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there was the whole thing with Jay Z, and I went to lean in to

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speak to him but you can't lean in to speak to Jay Z,

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you're not allowed to lean in.

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And his bodyguard just like shook me

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like this and I went flying across the room.

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I was like, "I'll just go and sit over here with Ellie Goulding now."

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LAUGHTER

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That was a very awkward moment.

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It that's weird that people kind of live like that. It's absurd.

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I have to say Prince, I know that sometimes he was quite...

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I was very good friends with Prince.

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-He was one of my closest.

-Now, David...

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-Now!

-My one dinner is meaningless now.

-No!

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There is something. He was so funny.

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Not that night!

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-I'm so sorry.

-APPLAUSE

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Not cracking jokes that night, I'll be honest with you.

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I'm so sorry... But he didn't crack jokes, but he had a strange sense of humour.

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You know like, we'd go somewhere and he'd say things like...

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I was going for the food,

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like I always do and try to get something and he'd be very

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serious, like this, and he would go,

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"Hold my hands, sister, stay away from the buffet."

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-That's good advice.

-I would laugh because he's right.

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-I'm stealing that, that's funny.

-Let me say something, he was so funny.

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I'm so sorry you didn't get to meet him.

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Well, I did get to...

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But where we went, it wasn't a buffet,

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it was a sit-down dinner.

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You went to an all-you-can-eat buffet with Prince but...

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This was quite a smart hotel, but thank you for your contribution.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The other thing I wanted to say about this film is,

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when was it written or when was it planned?

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Because it seems so perfectly placed now.

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It's very zeitgeisty, you know, that kind of Trumpian America.

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John Lithgow's character is almost a version of Trump.

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-Exactly.

-Was that all planned?

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No, the scary part is there are so many like him.

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-Yes.

-We were thinking about the dentist that killed the lion.

-Yes.

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And... So, it was before Trump.

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But when we were shooting, he was campaigning.

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But now, I won't ask you about your political opinions,

0:16:400:16:43

but we do have a picture that suggests...

0:16:430:16:46

You are not going to ask me because you already know.

0:16:460:16:49

We know! Here you are with a lovely pinata.

0:16:490:16:53

LAUGHTER

0:16:530:16:54

APPLAUSE

0:16:540:16:57

This is the Mexican style, you know.

0:16:570:16:59

The minute he starts talking about the Mexicans,

0:16:590:17:02

two days later we were selling pinatas like there's no tomorrow.

0:17:020:17:06

Somebody brought one to a party at my house.

0:17:060:17:09

The Mexicans lined up, worse than the little kids at a party.

0:17:090:17:13

The tragic thing was that the first person that went on it

0:17:130:17:17

killed it in two seconds because he was hitting it so hard.

0:17:170:17:20

Nobody else got to hit the pinata.

0:17:200:17:23

But some people were stepping on it on the floor.

0:17:230:17:25

-Have you met the real Donald Trump?

-Oh, yeah.

0:17:270:17:30

-What was he like?

-Strange.

0:17:300:17:33

It's like... I mean,

0:17:350:17:37

One thing you got to give it to him, like, he is what it is.

0:17:370:17:40

-Yes, he's not pretending.

-He's not pretending.

0:17:400:17:44

-What you see is what you get, unfortunately.

-Oh, my God.

0:17:440:17:47

-David, you haven't met him, have you?

-No, I've not met him.

0:17:480:17:52

-But you did take the opportunity of dressing up as him.

-Yeah.

0:17:520:17:55

APPLAUSE

0:17:550:17:57

-That's better than the pinata.

-Nice shave.

-That was Halloween.

0:17:570:18:01

-Scary!

-It was my Halloween costume, it was before he was president.

0:18:010:18:06

I thought, "Well, what's the biggest nightmarish figure

0:18:060:18:10

"in today's culture?" And I thought, "Donald Trump."

0:18:100:18:13

Not for a moment did we think he would actually become president.

0:18:130:18:16

You must have thought, "I'll do it this year, because next year it'll be old hat."

0:18:160:18:20

How long does it take to wash off afterwards,

0:18:200:18:22

just out of interest, because that's quite an amount of...

0:18:220:18:24

Three or four weeks.

0:18:240:18:27

This week Donald Trump has been on his first trip abroad as

0:18:270:18:30

president, so here's some pictures of him. Here he is in Saudi Arabia.

0:18:300:18:35

My God.

0:18:350:18:37

What's going on there?

0:18:370:18:38

Apparently, it's some sort of peace thing,

0:18:380:18:40

but it does look like a crystal ball, doesn't it?

0:18:400:18:43

I see impeachment, I see disgrace.

0:18:430:18:46

-What does he look like? A mystic Trump.

-He's really scary.

0:18:460:18:50

-It's not really doing him any favours at all.

-No.

0:18:500:18:53

He then went to Jerusalem where he visited the Western Wall and

0:18:530:18:57

placed a note inside.

0:18:570:18:59

Presumably a note to the wall builders, "Call me, I've got a job."

0:18:590:19:03

You know in that picture,

0:19:080:19:10

he can't even touch a wall appropriately, look at that.

0:19:100:19:14

-It does look sleazy.

-Wall, wall.

0:19:140:19:20

By the way, if anyone is wondering what that unusual thing on

0:19:200:19:23

his head is, that's his hair!

0:19:230:19:25

This is my favourite picture from the trip. I'm sure you've seen it.

0:19:280:19:31

On Wednesday, Trump met the Pope.

0:19:310:19:34

That is a man thinking, "Take the picture!"

0:19:360:19:41

GRAHAM LAUGHS

0:19:410:19:44

And Melania, she looks like she's at a funeral.

0:19:440:19:49

She wishes!

0:19:490:19:51

Oh!

0:19:570:19:59

Did you see when Trump tried to hold Melania's hand?

0:19:590:20:02

-I know!

-When they got off the plane?

0:20:020:20:04

-That was awkward, wasn't it?

-She went like that!

0:20:040:20:06

I reckon I'll get that when I get in for telling the Bellagio story.

0:20:060:20:10

"Get off me! Get off me!"

0:20:100:20:12

Actually, talking of world leaders,

0:20:140:20:16

David recently noticed a resemblance

0:20:160:20:18

between yourself and another world leader?

0:20:180:20:21

Yes. Well, I saw a picture of our glorious leader,

0:20:210:20:26

Theresa May, and in youth,

0:20:260:20:29

I think she did actually look a lot like me.

0:20:290:20:31

-I think you've got the picture I put on Instagram.

-We do.

0:20:310:20:34

APPLAUSE

0:20:360:20:38

That is shockingly close!

0:20:430:20:45

-It is, isn't it?

-It's weird!

0:20:450:20:48

I could play her in a biopic.

0:20:480:20:50

You could! You could.

0:20:500:20:52

Now, David Walliams has a new book out.

0:20:520:20:55

-It's called The World's Worst Children 2.

-Hmm.

0:20:550:21:01

There's actually a character in The World's Worst Children 2

0:21:010:21:04

a little bit like Barron Trump,

0:21:040:21:06

because it's very spoiled American boy,

0:21:060:21:08

he's the son of a billionaire,

0:21:080:21:10

and he wanted it to be his birthday every day,

0:21:100:21:13

and every day he wants more and more presents,

0:21:130:21:15

and the cake gets bigger and bigger every day

0:21:150:21:18

-and he ends up drowning in his own birthday cake...

-Ohh!

0:21:180:21:20

So they are like morality tales for children,

0:21:200:21:23

so be careful what you wish for.

0:21:230:21:25

-Don't eat too much cake?

-It's not just don't eat too much cake,

0:21:250:21:28

it's a little more sophisticated than that!

0:21:280:21:31

I'm with you. That was my take away!

0:21:310:21:34

Don't eat too much cake.

0:21:340:21:35

I'll read it to you later.

0:21:350:21:37

I'll give you your bath(!)

0:21:390:21:41

Which I'm very happy to do.

0:21:410:21:43

Are your books... Cos some of your books

0:21:430:21:45

are for younger children.

0:21:450:21:47

This is sort of 6- to 12-year-olds.

0:21:470:21:51

This is a bit younger.

0:21:510:21:52

I go into lots of schools around the country. I do ask the kids,

0:21:520:21:55

"Are there any reluctant readers?

0:21:550:21:58

"Any kids who don't like books?"

0:21:580:21:59

And normally boys put up their hands.

0:21:590:22:02

I say, "There's no shame in it.

0:22:020:22:03

"You just need to find the book that's for you."

0:22:030:22:05

And this book is really written with the reluctant reader in mind

0:22:050:22:08

because it's full of pictures, the emphasis is really on humour

0:22:080:22:11

and surrealism, and although there is a little bit of a message,

0:22:110:22:16

-like don't eat too much cake...

-Yeah.

0:22:160:22:18

..it's meant to just be read for fun.

0:22:190:22:22

I would like to actually sign one for your daughter.

0:22:220:22:24

I was actually going to steal that one.

0:22:240:22:27

-Look, here we go!

-Can I sign it?

-Yes.

0:22:270:22:29

I saw where he was hiding it.

0:22:290:22:31

Here we go.

0:22:310:22:32

And someone told me your daughter's name was...

0:22:320:22:35

-Valentina.

-Valentina.

0:22:350:22:36

-How old is Valentina?

-Nine.

0:22:360:22:38

-Does she read?

-Yes.

-Does she read in English or...

0:22:380:22:42

Valentina - English, French and Spanish.

0:22:430:22:46

Oh... So properly... I know. Yeah.

0:22:460:22:49

APPLAUSE

0:22:490:22:51

-That's a lot!

-I have a lot to learn, I think.

0:22:510:22:53

-Yeah.

-There you go.

-So do I.

0:22:530:22:55

£9.99. Thank you.

0:22:550:22:57

But Valentina could be IN that book?

0:23:020:23:04

-Oh, Valentina, yes.

-Because she's quite a prankster.

0:23:040:23:07

-I could give you some stories.

-Really?

-Yes.

-I'd like those, please.

0:23:070:23:11

-Because "prankster" is kind of a nice word for it.

-Mm-hm.

0:23:110:23:14

-I mean, she's quite wild.

-Ingenious, yes. She's ingenious.

0:23:140:23:18

Let's go with "ingenious".

0:23:180:23:20

I have another word in my head!

0:23:200:23:21

Her favourite person to prank is my father.

0:23:210:23:26

You know?

0:23:260:23:27

He comes from Mexico to visit her

0:23:270:23:30

and she gets so excited

0:23:300:23:32

she starts planning what she's going to do to him,

0:23:320:23:35

like, with days in advance.

0:23:350:23:37

For example,

0:23:390:23:40

she puts the worst kind of chilli, habanero,

0:23:400:23:44

she takes the toothbrush and rubs it on the chilli, you know?

0:23:440:23:51

"Prankster"(!)

0:23:510:23:53

-And puts it back...

-I bet he finds it hilarious(!)

0:23:530:23:56

Do you know, the sad thing is,

0:23:560:23:59

my father, in the moment he gets angry and then he goes,

0:23:590:24:03

"That was so smart of her!"

0:24:030:24:06

He's so proud.

0:24:060:24:09

She uses the... Do you know the clear plastic one uses...

0:24:090:24:14

-Clingfilm.

-Clingfilm.

0:24:140:24:16

Yes, for the leftovers.

0:24:160:24:17

She puts that on the toilet.

0:24:170:24:19

Hmm.

0:24:190:24:21

-You can have this one.

-I'm getting a mental image.

0:24:210:24:24

That is a classic.

0:24:240:24:25

She folds it to perfection so you cannot actually see it.

0:24:250:24:29

Great eye for detail! Beautifully done.

0:24:290:24:32

The other thing... Maybe everyone knows this.

0:24:330:24:36

I know they sell well.

0:24:360:24:38

David's books, he's sold over 18 million books. 18 million!

0:24:380:24:43

GASPING

0:24:430:24:46

They've been turned into TV shows,

0:24:470:24:50

Gangsta Granny, that's going to the West End.

0:24:500:24:53

-Yes, this summer.

-Gangsta Granny, maybe I can play that part.

0:24:530:24:56

You are far too beautiful!

0:24:560:24:58

That's good. That went well.

0:24:580:25:00

And your fans, because the fans of the books are children,

0:25:020:25:05

-are they still as brutal?

-Oh, yeah.

0:25:050:25:08

We get a lot of brutal letters

0:25:080:25:10

because they like to point out any errors in the book,

0:25:100:25:13

maybe problems with the plot...

0:25:130:25:15

Valentina would be one of those.

0:25:150:25:17

-She'd be one of those children.

-Yeah.

0:25:170:25:19

And then they're very honest in the way they write letters to you.

0:25:190:25:24

You posted a couple of the letters.

0:25:240:25:27

Here's the first.

0:25:270:25:29

"Dear David Walliams, you are my second favourite author.

0:25:290:25:32

"JK Rowling wins. I hope you like my drawings."

0:25:320:25:36

I'm sure you did like the drawings very much!

0:25:360:25:39

This next one you posted, I think this was on Instagram. I love this.

0:25:390:25:42

"Dear David Walliams, my name is Pearle. I am writing to you

0:25:420:25:45

"because you are my second favourite author.

0:25:450:25:47

"I really wanted to write to JK Rowling, but my teacher said not to

0:25:470:25:50

"as she obviously receives too many.

0:25:500:25:53

"So here I am writing to you on my tenth birthday."

0:25:530:25:56

It's just honest, isn't it?

0:25:560:25:58

The truth is, JK Rowling would be too busy!

0:25:580:26:02

But, me, I mean, I've got time on my hands!

0:26:030:26:06

-It's very sweet, though.

-How did you feel when you read it?

0:26:070:26:10

I am actually reading it now.

0:26:100:26:12

I love it when they are funny, actually,

0:26:120:26:16

because they really, really stand out.

0:26:160:26:18

I had another good one, which was, this girl wrote,

0:26:180:26:21

"Can you come to our summer fair on 2nd June?

0:26:210:26:26

"Our teacher, Mrs Wilkins,

0:26:260:26:28

"said you can stay at her house for the night!"

0:26:280:26:31

If you say so!

0:26:310:26:32

APPLAUSE

0:26:320:26:35

I don't want to put you off anyone on the couch

0:26:380:26:40

but there is a very large JK Rowling fan on the couch...

0:26:400:26:44

Liam.

0:26:440:26:46

-You are, though, aren't you? Proper?

-Yes.

0:26:460:26:48

I do like Harry Potter, I will confess.

0:26:480:26:50

There's a very strong gaze happening right in front of me.

0:26:500:26:53

No, I think she's wonderful.

0:26:530:26:55

Here's Liam, I think it's your 22nd birthday?

0:26:550:26:58

-That's a cake?

-Yes.

0:26:580:27:00

A cake of all of the Harry Potter books?

0:27:000:27:03

And you're not to eat too much cake.

0:27:030:27:05

-We learned that from David.

-Oh, well done.

0:27:050:27:07

The important message you can take away from tonight's show!

0:27:070:27:11

Yeah. But you've got to think,

0:27:110:27:13

"Oh, that's kind of a funny thing to have done,"

0:27:130:27:15

but you've gone a bit further at your home.

0:27:150:27:19

I can be a bit weird sometimes.

0:27:190:27:21

LAUGHTER

0:27:210:27:22

Why is that funny?

0:27:220:27:24

Yes. Well, I went through a Harry Potter phase,

0:27:240:27:29

I was watching Harry Potter a lot around the house...

0:27:290:27:31

-Why are you looking at me like that?

-I'm just interested.

0:27:310:27:34

And so I bought one of the cars from the film, it's in my garden.

0:27:340:27:39

This is some sort of confessional now.

0:27:400:27:43

-A car?

-That car...

0:27:430:27:44

Isn't it good?

0:27:440:27:46

Yeah. Is the original one?

0:27:460:27:48

No, it's not the original one, but I'd love to say that it was.

0:27:480:27:50

But I bought it off this guy who goes to conventions and stuff.

0:27:500:27:53

It's close. It's close.

0:27:530:27:55

And that's something Harry Potter-y up there, is it?

0:27:550:27:58

Yes, that a Hogwarts sign.

0:27:580:28:00

I'm really upping my cool points.

0:28:000:28:02

And what's that bit? That thing over there?

0:28:020:28:05

That's just a random garden gnome, actually.

0:28:050:28:08

My garden's great. You'd love it!

0:28:090:28:11

Listen, obviously, things are great for you right now.

0:28:120:28:16

-Fantastic. I'm on top of the world.

-You've the new record, new baby.

0:28:160:28:18

And you and Cheryl are together.

0:28:180:28:20

But what's so odd - I don't know if you know this thing -

0:28:200:28:23

that Liam and Cheryl, we saw you meet?

0:28:230:28:25

You saw us meet.

0:28:250:28:27

We did, though, didn't we?

0:28:270:28:28

-You hadn't met before this?

-Right, this is weird.

0:28:280:28:31

I'm going to be sleeping here tonight if we go into these details.

0:28:310:28:33

-You're not allowed to talk about this bit.

-Oh, no.

0:28:330:28:36

Can we see the wink? Can we see the wink?

0:28:360:28:38

You can see the wink, I suppose.

0:28:380:28:40

-OK. So this is the first time...

-Ignore the hair!

0:28:400:28:43

It was a different year!

0:28:430:28:44

This is the first time Liam ever met Cheryl. Here they are.

0:28:440:28:49

# Fly me to the moon

0:28:490:28:51

# Let me play among the stars

0:28:510:28:55

# And let me see what spring is like

0:28:550:28:59

# On...Jupiter and Mars

0:28:590:29:03

# In other words

0:29:030:29:05

# Baby, kiss me... #

0:29:050:29:08

-I think you are really cute.

-Thanks.

0:29:080:29:11

I think you've got charisma, you give us that little cheeky wink.

0:29:110:29:15

-I think this kid could do fantastic in the show.

-Yes.

0:29:150:29:19

Aw... That's amazing, isn't it?

0:29:190:29:21

He was actually winking at Louis Walsh!

0:29:210:29:24

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:29:240:29:27

I got a real... When I got back to school

0:29:270:29:29

and they played that, obviously, as you naturally laughed along as well,

0:29:290:29:32

I got a real ribbing for winking at Cheryl.

0:29:320:29:35

"You winked at her. What did you think you were doing?"

0:29:350:29:38

Some of my best friends gave me stick about that, as they do.

0:29:380:29:42

And then, come to my 23rd birthday party, and here we are together

0:29:420:29:45

and my friends are just mute in the corner!

0:29:450:29:49

"Why are we here? Where's the food?"

0:29:490:29:52

I have never seen my friends so quiet!

0:29:520:29:56

I winked at all of them.

0:29:560:29:58

I didn't really. I should have!

0:29:580:29:59

And now we've got a baby Bear, so it all makes perfect sense.

0:29:590:30:03

Do you notice how they keep promoting all your competitions?

0:30:030:30:07

-Harry Potter, the X Factor?

-Hmm. I have noticed.

0:30:070:30:10

Yes. But you are... Are you friends with Simon Cowell or not?

0:30:100:30:15

-Yes!

-You are?

-Yes. As much as he can be friends with anybody!

0:30:150:30:19

A deeply strange man.

0:30:190:30:22

But you do annoy each other a lot.

0:30:220:30:24

We're very competitive with each other.

0:30:240:30:26

We're like competitive brothers who love and hate each other.

0:30:260:30:30

And he winds me up all the time when we're making the show.

0:30:300:30:33

He'll say something like, "David, have you got your phone there?"

0:30:330:30:36

I'll say yeah. "Have a look to see if Alesha

0:30:360:30:39

"has ever done any lingerie shoots."

0:30:390:30:42

"Why?" "David, you just need to do that for me. Thank you.

0:30:420:30:45

"I pay you a lot of money to look up if Alesha's..."

0:30:450:30:47

I look it up and find some pictures of her looking sexy.

0:30:470:30:51

He goes, "Alesha, David's looking at pictures of you in lingerie!"

0:30:510:30:56

It's the kind of stuff he does all the time.

0:30:560:30:59

But I get my own back because I know he loves animals.

0:30:590:31:02

Like Hitler loved animals.

0:31:020:31:05

I know he loves animals and I say to him,

0:31:050:31:08

"I've got a lovely, lovely picture of my dog Bert.

0:31:080:31:11

"Would you like to see it?"

0:31:110:31:12

And then I show him a rather unusual picture of Bert.

0:31:120:31:15

I think you sent us the picture.

0:31:150:31:17

This is the picture of Bert.

0:31:170:31:19

That's brilliant.

0:31:210:31:23

Now, talking of talented pets,

0:31:260:31:29

you had a parrot, didn't you, that could properly speak.

0:31:290:31:34

Yes.

0:31:340:31:36

-What was the name of the parrot? Pa...

-Paco.

0:31:360:31:38

-Paco the parrot.

-Paco was a bit of a prankster too.

0:31:380:31:41

So, what could it say?

0:31:410:31:43

Well, he would just start cursing.

0:31:430:31:46

Really, like...

0:31:480:31:50

If my parents had guests that they wanted to impress,

0:31:500:31:53

he kind of sensed it

0:31:530:31:55

and he'd just start saying the alphabet of cursing.

0:31:550:32:00

-Really loud, cos he was loud.

-Who did he learn it from?

0:32:000:32:03

That's the real question.

0:32:030:32:05

I think we bought it like that!

0:32:050:32:07

And then one time we were all out

0:32:080:32:11

and my uncle came to the house,

0:32:110:32:14

he rang the bell and Paco would go, "We're coming!"

0:32:140:32:19

And my uncle is waiting, rang the bell again.

0:32:190:32:24

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

0:32:260:32:29

And he rings the bell.

0:32:290:32:31

"Wait, I'm coming!"

0:32:310:32:33

And after one hour, my uncle started doing all the cursing!

0:32:330:32:36

So that's where he got it from.

0:32:360:32:39

It probably was my uncle, yes.

0:32:390:32:41

He was there for two hours.

0:32:410:32:43

Where did the parrot learn, "I'm coming"?

0:32:430:32:46

That...

0:32:480:32:49

That's the best part of the story.

0:32:490:32:51

It shows it was a happy family!

0:32:550:32:57

A very happy parrot.

0:32:570:32:59

It's time to meet my final guests.

0:32:590:33:01

One is best known for The Inbetweeners

0:33:010:33:03

and the other brought us the US hit Gossip Girl,

0:33:030:33:06

and, together, they star in the new BBC Two comedy White Gold.

0:33:060:33:09

Please welcome James Buckley and Ed Westwick.

0:33:090:33:12

Ohh!

0:33:130:33:15

Oh! There they are!

0:33:150:33:17

Hello! Very nice to see you.

0:33:170:33:20

Hello. Good to see you. Lovely.

0:33:200:33:23

ALL TALK AT ONCE

0:33:250:33:28

OK.

0:33:310:33:33

CHEERING

0:33:330:33:35

Whoa! Much excitement, much excitement.

0:33:350:33:38

-Welcome both.

-Thank you.

0:33:380:33:40

-Do you know everyone on the couch?

-David, a little bit.

0:33:400:33:43

First time for these guys. Hello.

0:33:430:33:46

-I know you...

-We've worked together, darling.

0:33:460:33:49

-You gave me a job.

-It was an acting job.

0:33:490:33:53

-It was an acting job.

-Oh...

0:33:530:33:55

Well, I was acting.

0:33:580:34:00

And I've come to see you boys a couple of times.

0:34:020:34:05

-Yeah, a few times. Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:34:050:34:06

And, Ed, already - we've had this in the corridor -

0:34:060:34:09

people just think you're an American actor over here slumming it,

0:34:090:34:13

-but in fact...

-I'm English, there you go!

0:34:130:34:15

-There you go!

-That bemused me.

0:34:150:34:17

I thought you were American.

0:34:170:34:19

Now you're English, that's amazing.

0:34:190:34:20

Sorry to disappoint you.

0:34:200:34:23

Are you pleased or disappointed?

0:34:230:34:25

-DEEP VOICE:

-I'm really happy about it, it's great.

0:34:250:34:28

I was a little bit worried he was going to be upset.

0:34:280:34:31

Obviously, we're all very happy you are working here in Britain.

0:34:310:34:34

How DID you get that job on Gossip Girl?

0:34:340:34:37

I was doing one of the jobs that James...

0:34:370:34:39

No, I... They do something called pilot season out in the States,

0:34:410:34:44

when they're putting together new TV shows and I went out there,

0:34:440:34:47

like many young actors do from all around the world, and auditioned.

0:34:470:34:51

It was one of many auditions and with a little bit of luck

0:34:510:34:55

and a little bit of whatever, I got the part.

0:34:550:34:58

-Well done.

-He's back down to Earth.

0:34:580:35:00

Back down to Earth? Do you live here now?

0:35:000:35:02

Well, I'm back and forth.

0:35:020:35:04

You can be a big star over there but, face it, right now,

0:35:040:35:07

you're in a show with Jay from The Inbetweeners.

0:35:070:35:10

And I'm having a blast.

0:35:110:35:13

That show is White Gold,

0:35:130:35:15

it's on BBC Two,

0:35:150:35:16

Wednesdays at 10pm.

0:35:160:35:18

The whole series will be available on BBC iPlayer.

0:35:180:35:20

So, the first one out this week. Great response to the show.

0:35:200:35:23

You must be pleased.

0:35:230:35:25

It's set in 1983 in the world of plastic-double-glazing salesmen.

0:35:250:35:30

It's riveting.

0:35:300:35:31

-But it's sort of you reunited with Joe, Joe Thomas.

-Yeah.

0:35:320:35:38

There's the two of you.

0:35:380:35:39

LAUGHTER

0:35:390:35:41

It is set in 1983, we established that!

0:35:410:35:44

And it's written by The Inbetweeners' creator.

0:35:440:35:47

-Yeah.

-So, did the three of you work on this together?

0:35:470:35:49

Or how did it happen?

0:35:490:35:51

One of the co-writers of The Inbetweeners, Damon Beesley,

0:35:510:35:54

he's written and directed this,

0:35:540:35:56

and he told me about this idea ten years ago.

0:35:560:36:00

So that's sort of shows his work ethic, I think.

0:36:000:36:04

He mentioned it to me a long time ago, a decade,

0:36:040:36:09

I think it was a decade ago,

0:36:090:36:11

and we've just got round to doing it.

0:36:110:36:13

Was it weird for you coming into an environment where those three guys

0:36:130:36:16

knew each other so well?

0:36:160:36:18

I'm still in therapy for it, to be honest.

0:36:180:36:21

No, it was wonderful. Obviously, they had a great success

0:36:210:36:23

with The Inbetweeners, everybody loves it, it's hilarious,

0:36:230:36:26

and they've got a great bond,

0:36:260:36:27

and they've got that shorthand, Joe and James do.

0:36:270:36:29

It was good. I feel like I learned a fair bit.

0:36:290:36:32

What was it like with him coming into the mix?

0:36:320:36:35

Be careful.

0:36:350:36:37

I'll be honest.

0:36:370:36:39

It was...

0:36:390:36:40

See, Ed's a professional. He's good at what he does,

0:36:400:36:44

and he knows his lines and he knows where to stand.

0:36:440:36:47

He knows what direction the camera's facing, things like that,

0:36:470:36:50

and it just made us all look really bad.

0:36:500:36:53

I didn't appreciate it.

0:36:530:36:54

Me and Joe were there, we're trying to muck about all day,

0:36:540:36:57

and if you've got something to show for it at the end of the day,

0:36:570:37:00

then that's a bonus. Ed's there, and he's worried about the TV show.

0:37:000:37:03

"Oh, it's got to be good."

0:37:030:37:05

That's not why you get into this business,

0:37:050:37:07

You're doing it all wrong, you're working far too hard.

0:37:070:37:11

You don't do this job to work for a living.

0:37:110:37:13

We've got a clip of White Gold.

0:37:130:37:16

This is the three of you...

0:37:160:37:18

How do I put this?

0:37:180:37:20

It's the three of you discovering a 1980s sexual revolution,

0:37:200:37:25

-is that fair?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:37:250:37:28

Enjoy.

0:37:280:37:29

Voila!

0:37:310:37:32

Have we broken down?

0:37:320:37:34

I think you've got the wrong address, postie.

0:37:340:37:37

Think again, boys, because tonight we're pioneers

0:37:370:37:40

witnessing the start of a whole new sexual movement.

0:37:400:37:44

Dogging.

0:37:440:37:46

What the fuck's dogging?

0:37:460:37:48

"Dogging is the combination of two revolutions -

0:37:500:37:54

"the motor vehicle revolution and the sexual revolution,

0:37:540:37:58

"making the ultimate form of sexual expression."

0:37:580:38:01

You sly old dog.

0:38:010:38:04

This has the potential to be interesting.

0:38:040:38:06

Are there people having sex in these cars?

0:38:060:38:08

-Yes, if that is all right with you, Lavender!

-Whoo!

0:38:080:38:11

What are we doing?

0:38:110:38:13

It's out there.

0:38:210:38:23

There's a bit after that where it gets worse.

0:38:230:38:26

It becomes like an action scene!

0:38:260:38:28

No, no, honestly.

0:38:290:38:31

That scene really gets very funny.

0:38:310:38:34

Very quickly, very quickly, often, when people are coming on the show,

0:38:360:38:39

you know, a lot of celebrities have Twitter accounts

0:38:390:38:42

so you might check their Twitter feed to see what they have

0:38:420:38:45

been up to, in case it might provoke a question.

0:38:450:38:49

-We checked James's.

-I don't use Twitter responsibly.

0:38:490:38:53

-You really don't.

-I forget that people follow me on Twitter.

0:38:530:38:56

-This is what you tweeted just a few days ago.

-Oh, God.

0:38:560:38:58

-Is that true?

-Absolutely true.

0:39:050:39:08

It's absolutely true.

0:39:080:39:10

My parents were there, my sister was there,

0:39:100:39:12

her boyfriend was there.

0:39:120:39:13

I've only met him a handful of times. And what it was...

0:39:130:39:18

-Explain yourself!

-..I was working at the time,

0:39:180:39:21

I was working on another TV show. Sorry, I've been cheating on you!

0:39:210:39:24

But there was...

0:39:240:39:26

I have to go away during the week,

0:39:260:39:28

and what was great was, I got to come home at the weekends

0:39:280:39:31

but for my boys, I've got two little boys, three and five,

0:39:310:39:34

and the Sunday came and I'd had to leave that night to go to work

0:39:340:39:37

for the next day, and my eldest son got really upset

0:39:370:39:40

and was like, "Are you going already?"

0:39:400:39:42

I was going, "Sorry, mate..."

0:39:420:39:44

Then I felt like I had a fart.

0:39:440:39:47

And I thought, "This will cheer him up, he'll love this."

0:39:470:39:51

I said, "Listen, I've got to go but come here

0:39:510:39:53

"and give me a big squeeze. Give me a big hug."

0:39:530:39:56

I was going to do that thing where, "Give me a big squeeze,"

0:39:560:39:58

and I'm going to go, "Parp!

0:39:580:40:00

"Oh, you've squeezed me too hard."

0:40:000:40:02

That would be a great way to leave him.

0:40:020:40:04

It'd cheer him up.

0:40:040:40:06

He took a little bit longer to come to me to give me the cuddle

0:40:060:40:10

and I was losing the fart a little bit.

0:40:100:40:13

He's small,

0:40:160:40:17

so I was bent down...

0:40:170:40:19

I was in a position...

0:40:190:40:21

and I maybe just pushed a bit too hard.

0:40:210:40:25

We were all having a dinner because I was leaving to go to work,

0:40:260:40:30

cos there were so many people there,

0:40:300:40:32

I just had to say, "I've shit myself.

0:40:320:40:35

"I've got to go for an emergency shower."

0:40:380:40:41

But it happens. It happens, OK.

0:40:430:40:45

I don't mind talking about it.

0:40:450:40:46

It's about time someone came out and spoke about it.

0:40:460:40:49

This is the sort of thing

0:40:490:40:51

that I'd like to talk with Piers Morgan about.

0:40:510:40:54

These are the issues.

0:40:550:40:56

It's such a taboo subject.

0:40:560:40:58

I hate to say this but, Liam Payne, follow that!

0:40:580:41:02

Yes, it's time for you to give us that world exclusive.

0:41:020:41:07

Don't overreach yourself!

0:41:070:41:09

So if you want to go over and get ready.

0:41:090:41:12

We have dancers and all sorts.

0:41:120:41:15

So performing his solo single, Strip That Down,

0:41:150:41:19

it is Liam Payne!

0:41:190:41:22

# You know I've been seeking some time

0:41:320:41:35

# And I've been keeping to myself

0:41:350:41:38

# I had my eyes upon the prize

0:41:380:41:40

# Ain't watching anybody else

0:41:400:41:42

# But your love it hit me hard, girl

0:41:420:41:45

# Yeah, you're bad for my health

0:41:450:41:47

# I love the cards that I've been dealt

0:41:470:41:49

# Do you feel the same as well?

0:41:490:41:51

-# You know I used to be in 1D

-Now I'm out free

0:41:510:41:53

-# People want me for one thing

-That's not me

0:41:530:41:56

-# I'm not changing the way that I

-Used to be

0:41:560:41:58

-# I just want to have fun and

-Get rowdy

0:41:580:42:00

-# One Coke and Bacardi

-Sipping lightly

0:42:000:42:02

-# When I walk inside a party

-Girls on me

0:42:020:42:04

-# F1-type Ferrari

-Six-gear speed

0:42:040:42:07

-# Girl, I love it when your body

-Grinds on me

0:42:070:42:09

# Baby, you know I love it when the music's loud

0:42:090:42:12

# But come on, strip that down for me

0:42:120:42:14

# Baby, there's a lot of people in the crowd

0:42:140:42:16

# But only you can dance with me

0:42:160:42:18

# So put your hands on my body and swing that round for me

0:42:180:42:23

# Baby, you know I love it when the music's loud

0:42:230:42:25

# But come on, strip that down for me

0:42:250:42:28

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:42:280:42:29

# Strip that down, girl Love when you hit the ground, girl

0:42:290:42:32

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:42:320:42:33

# Strip that down, girl Love when you hit the ground

0:42:330:42:36

# You know that since the day I met you, yeah

0:42:360:42:39

# You swept me off my feet

0:42:390:42:41

# You know that I don't need no money

0:42:410:42:43

# When your love is beside me

0:42:430:42:45

# Yeah, you opened up my heart

0:42:450:42:47

# And then you threw away the key

0:42:470:42:50

# Girl, now it's just you and me

0:42:500:42:52

# And you don't care about where I've been

0:42:520:42:54

-# See, I used to be in 1D

-Now I'm out free

0:42:540:42:56

-# People want me for one thing

-That's not me

0:42:560:42:59

-# I'm not changing the way that I

-Used to be

0:42:590:43:01

-# I just want to have fun and

-Get rowdy

0:43:010:43:03

-# One Coke and Bacardi

-Sipping lightly

0:43:030:43:06

-# When I walk inside a party

-Girls on me

0:43:060:43:08

-# F1-type Ferrari

-Six-gear speed

0:43:080:43:10

-# Girl, I love it when your body

-Grinds on me

0:43:100:43:13

# Baby, you know I love it when the music's loud

0:43:130:43:15

# But come on, strip that down for me

0:43:150:43:17

# Baby, there's a lot of people in the crowd

0:43:170:43:20

# But only you can dance with me

0:43:200:43:22

# So put your hands on my body and swing that round for me

0:43:220:43:26

# Baby, you know I love it when the music's loud

0:43:260:43:29

# But come on, strip that down for me

0:43:290:43:31

-# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

-Strip that down, girl

0:43:310:43:34

# Love when you hit the ground, girl

0:43:340:43:36

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:43:360:43:37

# Oh, strip that down, girl

0:43:370:43:39

# Love when you hit the ground

0:43:390:43:41

# Strip that down, girl

0:43:410:43:43

# Love when you hit the ground, girl

0:43:430:43:44

# Come on, strip that down

0:43:440:43:47

# Love when you hit the ground

0:43:470:43:50

# Baby, you know I love it when the music's loud

0:43:500:43:52

# But come on, strip that down for me

0:43:520:43:54

# Baby, there's a lot of people in the crowd

0:43:540:43:56

# But only you can dance with me

0:43:560:43:58

# So put your hands on my body and swing that round for me

0:43:580:44:02

# Yeah

0:44:020:44:03

# You know I love it when the music's loud

0:44:030:44:05

# But come on, strip that down for me

0:44:050:44:07

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:44:070:44:09

# Come on, strip that down for me

0:44:090:44:11

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:44:110:44:13

# Don't say nothing Just strip that down for me

0:44:130:44:16

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:44:160:44:17

# All I want, girl If you strip that down for me

0:44:170:44:20

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:44:200:44:22

# You're the one, girl Come on, strip that down for me

0:44:220:44:25

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

0:44:250:44:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:44:270:44:30

-Wowser.

-Thank you.

0:44:300:44:32

Whoo!

0:44:320:44:33

Liam Payne, everybody!

0:44:330:44:35

Great job. Come on back.

0:44:350:44:38

What about the dancers as well?

0:44:380:44:40

Great dancers!

0:44:400:44:42

Well done. Congratulations. Come and grab a seat again.

0:44:420:44:45

That was good, right? Wow. Wow!

0:44:450:44:48

That was fantastic.

0:44:480:44:50

Did that feel good?

0:44:500:44:52

Yeah. It's nice to be back on stage again, thank you so much!

0:44:520:44:55

You guys are beautiful. Thank you.

0:44:550:44:57

It is a very different experience for me,

0:44:570:45:00

cos I have never done any of that dancing stuff.

0:45:000:45:03

We call it "movement" so as not to scare me!

0:45:030:45:06

I enjoy it. It's good fun.

0:45:060:45:07

Great performance.

0:45:070:45:09

-And, yeah, congratulations.

-Thank you.

0:45:090:45:11

Presumably that new single, is there an album to come?

0:45:110:45:14

Yeah. I've been making an album for a year now,

0:45:140:45:17

so I have a lot of different singles and stuff to come out yet.

0:45:170:45:20

You'll drop something at some point?

0:45:200:45:22

Oh, I do hope so!

0:45:220:45:24

Just be careful you don't push too hard!

0:45:250:45:28

Don't do that. Don't do that.

0:45:280:45:30

APPLAUSE

0:45:300:45:33

That's nearly it, but before we go,

0:45:330:45:34

just time for a visit to the big red chair.

0:45:340:45:36

-Who's there? Hello.

-How are you doing?

0:45:360:45:38

I'm very well. Thanks for asking.

0:45:380:45:40

-What's your name? NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:

-Matt.

0:45:400:45:42

-Matt?

-Yeah.

-Matt?

-Matt.

0:45:420:45:44

Are you by any chance from New Zealand?

0:45:440:45:48

-Yeah.

-Yes, I thought so.

0:45:480:45:50

CHEERING

0:45:500:45:52

Off you go with your story, MITT.

0:45:520:45:55

LAUGHTER

0:45:550:45:57

A few years ago, me and my cousin

0:45:570:45:59

were on the way to the rugby sevens in Wellington,

0:45:590:46:01

and we were dressed as bananas.

0:46:010:46:03

-What?!

-Can I just interrupt you for one second?

0:46:050:46:08

Sorry, Salma. They were going to see the rugby,

0:46:080:46:11

and they were both dressed as bananas.

0:46:110:46:13

-I did hear that part!

-OK.

0:46:130:46:16

You thought you didn't understand!

0:46:160:46:18

-BOTH:

-"They were drinking bananas?!"

0:46:180:46:21

They were dressed as bananas.

0:46:210:46:24

Obviously(!)

0:46:240:46:26

Sorry, MITT.

0:46:260:46:27

We decided to stop on the side of a hill for a piss

0:46:270:46:30

and it all went reasonably well

0:46:300:46:32

and then Chris's need to piss pretty quickly turned into

0:46:320:46:36

the need to shit, so he crouched down.

0:46:360:46:40

That all went OK.

0:46:400:46:42

It only went downhill when he decided to stand up,

0:46:420:46:45

slipped over, quite ironically in a banana costume,

0:46:450:46:47

rolled down the hill, knocked himself out on a tree.

0:46:470:46:51

I ran down to try and save him,

0:46:510:46:53

slipped over on what he had just done,

0:46:530:46:55

we both ended up down the bottom of the hill covered up in all sorts,

0:46:550:46:59

and ended up in hospital with his brother there waiting for us.

0:46:590:47:03

Me and him got kicked out of the hospital

0:47:030:47:05

because we thought we'd take it into our own hands to fix him

0:47:050:47:08

because the doctors were taking too long.

0:47:080:47:10

So we got kicked out, went back to town, had a good night,

0:47:100:47:13

and about three hours later we see Chris walking down the high street

0:47:130:47:16

in his hospital gown, discharged himself!

0:47:160:47:19

APPLAUSE

0:47:190:47:22

You can walk!

0:47:220:47:24

Yeah, go, go.

0:47:240:47:25

I have never been to New Zealand but I so want to go!

0:47:280:47:30

I didn't understand anything.

0:47:300:47:32

I understood "banana", "shit", "crack", "hospital".

0:47:320:47:37

It was too long!

0:47:370:47:39

That's all I understood.

0:47:390:47:42

Well done.

0:47:420:47:43

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in that chair,

0:47:430:47:47

you can contact us via our website at this very address.

0:47:470:47:50

That is it for tonight. Please say thank you to my guests -

0:47:500:47:52

Mr Liam Payne,

0:47:520:47:54

David Walliams,

0:47:540:47:57

James Buckley,

0:47:570:47:59

Ed Westwick,

0:47:590:48:01

and Salma Hayek.

0:48:010:48:03

Do join me next week with singer-songwriter Beth Ditto,

0:48:050:48:09

Baywatch's Zac Efron, actress Annabelle Wallis

0:48:090:48:12

and her co-star in The Mummy -

0:48:120:48:14

the one and only Tom Cruise! I'll see you then! Goodbye!

0:48:140:48:17

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