Episode 9 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening. I'm Elton John, and I've only agreed to be on

the show if Graham promises to make no mention of my flamboyant past.

Welcome to the Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh-ho-ho! Thank you very much.

Thank you, good evening.

Good evening. Lovely to see you all.

Thank you for being here.

Very nice. Now, of course, the big news this week -

there's been agreement on how to work out the divorce bill,

and it could total up to £45 billion.

Bit depressing, I mean, they only got engaged on Monday.

No, no. Huge congratulations to Prince Harry on his engagement

to Meghan Markle. Isn't it wonderful?

It's nice, isn't it? It's nice, yes.

It's your classic riches-to-riches story.

That's Meghan on the right, waving.

"Bye, commoners. I'm a princess!"

Meghan has said she can't wait to start undertaking Royal engagements,

and meet the British public.

Wow, she is a good actress.

Meghan's already good friends with Wills and Kate.

They've been on a few double dates,

but, to avoid the press, Meghan has been wearing a disguise.

Wouldn't it be amazing if she was in that thing?

Let's get some guests on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later, we'll be meeting the always-entertaining

Mr Robbie Williams!

Yeah. He'll be talking about his new book.

But first, she has sold over 42 million albums,

won three Grammys,

and is simply one of the coolest pop stars on the planet.

Please welcome Pink!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! The actual Pink! It's Pink, everybody. Hey! Hello, darling.

-Lovely to see you. Welcome back.

-Thank you.

-It's Pink, everybody.

-Hi.

He's a writer, actor, comedian, academic.

Is there anything this man can't do?

Please welcome Mr Stephen Fry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

-The greyhound from the slips!

-Hi.

-Come here and sit down.

-Thank you.

Pink, hello. What a pleasure.

She's the British actress who starred in An Education, Drive,

The Great Gatsby and Suffragette.

It's always a pleasure to welcome Carey Mulligan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at you! Hello, my dear. Lovely to see you.

Mwah! Have a seat, Carey Mulligan.

And he's here to celebrate an extraordinary 50 years in the music

business with his ultimate greatest hits collection, Diamonds.

Please welcome a true music legend -

Sir Elton John!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good to see you. Come in, come in, come in!

-Oh! Whoo!

-Mwah.

Aw, mwah.

Aw! Have a seat, all. you're all very welcome.

-Nice to see you all.

-Thank you.

Now, it is an embarrassment of musicians.

Obviously, we've got Sir Elton, Robbie Williams coming on later,

-but, Pink, you are performing.

-Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is that going to be weird,

-performing in front of Elton and Robbie or do you...?

-I mean...

Erm... I'm going to try not to be awful.

We played at a festival together in Belgium.

-Yes, it was fun.

-And what are you giving us tonight?

-What About Us?

-Oh, brilliant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This album, Beautiful Trauma, which is such a huge success,

I didn't realise until you were coming on the show that it's been

-five years of no Pink in the world.

-Five or six.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't realise that either.

-How did that happen?

-I was doing bake sales and kindergarten.

I read somewhere, when you decided to bring out a new record,

your record company sat you down for "the talk".

The talk, that if you are over 35 as a female pop star,

-that radio probably won't play you.

-No!

-Yes.

-I have that trouble myself.

Holy mackerel!

Well, you've proved them wrong.

-I did.

-Yeah, big time.

-Very, very much. And that's nice.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

So, in terms of musical credentials,

Stephen, I'm right in saying that you're not a great gift to song?

No. There are so many things I can't do.

I can't do that. I've never been able to cross my legs.

Even when I was in kindergarten,

there was a little play mat and all the other children...

-And my knees were touching my cheeks.

-Aw!

-I could not...

I can't do that. They would break, my hips.

But I've never been able to sing.

It's official. I'll tell you why it's official.

John Schlesinger, the film director, was a friend,

and when he died there was a funeral at a synagogue in North London.

And I found myself next to Paul McCartney at this funeral.

And after a couple of hymns and songs and things,

he turned to me and said... Because I always mime, because I can't sing.

He said, "Sing, you're not singing. Sing!"

And I said, "Actually, Paul, I can't sing."

"Everybody can sing. Sing!"

So the next one came up and I started to sing.

"Shut up, you're right, you can't sing!"

So if Paul McCartney tells you can't sing, you can't sing.

It's official.

Carey Mulligan, you've married into the music industry.

-Yeah.

-With Marcus, Marcus Mumford.

Now, you've talked on the show, though,

about how you are a proper fan and you've written proper fan letters

to actors, but did you write fan letters to pop stars?

-Were you a fan of those...?

-I...

Yeah, I wrote to Eminem.

Yeah, yeah.

-How old were you?

-So sweet.

-I was 18.

No, I was 17. I was applying to drama school,

and I watched 8 Mile and he does that Lose Yourself song.

I can't say anything like this without sounding...

And I got really kind of...

-It spoke to you?

-Yeah, it really spoke to me.

Yeah, 8 Mile, yeah!

I wrote a very long letter detailing how he had inspired me to go in,

and, like, crush it in my drama school auditions.

-Oh, and did he write back?

-No, he didn't.

-Aw.

See, he doesn't read letters, that's how that girl died in Dear Stan.

He should really read the letters.

Eminem, he's on the album.

-Yes!

-Yeah.

-I wrote him an e-mail.

And did he write back?

I professed my undying love for him in this e-mail.

And I said, "I love you. I've always loved you.

"I've loved you since I got your autograph in 2001 at the MTV Music

"Video Awards, I love that you always work with the same people,

"for instance, Rihanna, who's hotter than me, but I'm funnier.

"Can you just help me get my rap Grammy?"

And he just wrote back, "OK."

-And that was it.

-Wow.

-One word.

But you kind of corrected some of his less politically...

Well, he was accused of being homophobic by so many people,

-because of his lyrics, which I thought was nonsense.

-Yeah.

And I came out and supported the fact that he isn't.

I appeared on the Grammys with him doing Stan, instead of Dido.

-I did the Dido part.

-Oh, right.

-Yes.

I was the one that took the "L" out of Dido!

Whoa.

And we became friends and we've been amazing friends ever since.

He's an amazing guy. I spoke to him last week.

I interviewed him last week for a magazine.

-I just adore him.

-I do, too.

He's quite a poet, isn't he?

Am I allowed to say what's in your house?

Oh, yes. For my marriage, when David and I did our civil partnership...

I got this package from Eminem,

and it shows you how homophobic he isn't.

We had two diamond-encrusted cock rings on...

..on velvet cushions.

-For the men who have everything.

-Yes, yes, exactly.

And I have to say, they have remained unused.

APPLAUSE

-Well, talking of diamonds...

-Yeah.

..you bring us your ultimate collection -

Diamonds. This is out now and it really is fantastic.

It is the definitive collection of your work.

What is it, it's nearly 50 tracks?

Right.

You know this, right?

-Have you seen this before?

-I have, yes.

-I've had my movement, yes.

-Why Diamonds?

I chose the title because I didn't want it to be called

Greatest Hits Volume Three or Four or whatever, cos it's boring.

And I've always liked diamonds

and I've always worn diamonds and I just thought,

"Diamonds is what the world needs at the moment."

For me, anyway. So it's a cheerful title.

And you, very kindly, or someone,

has put together a kind of a montage

of some of your career and this is it.

By the time I came to the song, I was singing like this!

# I'm still standing better than I've ever been

# Looking like a true survivor

# Feeling like a little kid

# I'm still standing...

# And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

# Till touchdown brings me round again to find

# Oh, no, no, no...

# I'm a rocket man...

# Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

# Don't give us none of your aggravation

# We had it with your discipline

# Oh, Saturday night's all right for fighting

# Get a little action in...

# Hold me closer Tiny Dancer

# Count the headlights on the highway...

# Philadelphia freedom

# I love-ove-ove you

# Yes, I do

# How wonderful life is while you're in the world. #

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Thank you.

-Well, no, to see it...

-Yes.

To see it kind of Reader Digested like that...

It brings back so many memories for all of us,

I can't imagine what that does to your head, watching that.

I don't really reflect on things very much.

When you see things like that, you think, God, how did I do this?

How do I cram it all in? We had so much fun.

And, you know, I've always loved doing what I've done

and I've always been lucky enough to be able to do what I've done.

And, you know, the secret to longevity,

as you can ask Pink as a performer,

is if you can play live, it doesn't matter how many hits you've got,

you will always be successful.

And the other thing that I think this whole collection is,

it's not just a celebration of you but also of Bernie, Bernie Taupin,

-and the work you've done together.

-We've never had an argument.

We've never written a song in the same room.

He gives me a lyric, I go away,

I write the music and then I call him in and I play it to him.

We've kept the process fresh by doing that so that even now,

when I get a lyric,

which will probably be my thousandth lyric from him,

I go away and I get excited by looking at the lyric

and writing the song. So it hasn't changed.

So it's never got old and even though I've behaved so badly

at times in my life and he has rang me up the next day and said,

"Do you remember what you did last night?" And I go, "No..."

We've never had an argument.

And I'm so proud of the fact that in this business,

erm, we are stronger together now than we ever have been

and that makes me feel good.

And all these years later, your first hit, Your Song,

was just voted, I think, the nation's favourite Elton John song.

-Yeah.

-Am I right in thinking that's yours, Stephen?

I love it, absolutely love it.

Do you remember we did a sketch with Rowan Atkinson, mocking the lyrics?

-Yes, of course.

-These things I forget, your eyes,

are they green or are they blue?

The lyrics are extraordinary.

Because they're so... Nothing had been heard like that before

and the way it married with your voice, it is still...

And that was the last song that was played on that package, I noticed,

because it just speaks in a way...

That and Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me,

because I always think of George Michael when I hear that.

The extraordinary thing you did.

-Thank God it wasn't Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep!

-Well..

-Do you have a favourite, Pink?

-What's that?

-Do you have a favourite Elton John song?

-I feel like,

just throw a dart and that's my favourite.

But I will say, if I have to say, Tiny Dancer.

-CAREY:

-I was going to say Tiny Dancer! That's my favourite.

And at the moment, isn't that your favourite at the moment,

-Tiny Dancer?

-I love Tiny Dancer. It's funny,

I've played these songs so many times but the more you play them,

you realise how wonderful the lyrics are.

And the older you get, you hopefully have more fun with the song.

People like Frank Sinatra used to do it and they have sung those songs

so many times. Nina Simone, every time you saw her sing,

-she'd interpret a song differently. And that's what...

-The storytelling.

The lyrics are so crucial.

Yeah, the lyrics... He's a storyteller, you know?

Up until about two years ago,

I thought it was "lay me down in sheets of amber."

I was like, "He has sheets of amber, you guys!"

LAUGHTER

-Isn't it that? What is it?

-I think it's sheets of...linen?

-What is it?

-Lay me down in sheets of linen.

-Yeah, it's linen.

-Oh, linen.

People thought it was "Hold me closer, Tony Danza".

LAUGHTER

-Tony Danza from Taxi?

-Tony Danza, yeah!

But you say, we had a lot of fun. You're still having fun.

Of course, life is about having fun.

-But my fun is focused now on my children.

-Yeah.

I'm lucky enough to still have the career, but my fun is now...

I'm going to my youngest's Nativity play tomorrow and I'm so excited.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-That's what my life is about now.

And it's all about them and the focus is off of me and onto them

and at this stage of my life, it's kind of nice to be able to do that.

In terms of Zachary and Elijah, is there a favourite Dad's music?

No. They like AC/DC.

LAUGHTER

They do like Tiny Dancer, they like Levon.

But they really like... It's Thunderstruck.

Because it was Iron Man.

They love AC/DC. And that's what we have to put on in the car

when we go in the morning.

They like I'm Still Standing, but it's AC/DC first.

-That's a great visual!

-Pink, your little boy,

the last time you were here, you were saying

that he wasn't particularly a fan.

-Has it changed?

-He cries when I sing.

-No!

-Yes... Well, now he's stopped crying, finally.

He's 11 months now. He just looks away.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Oh! Oh, how cute.

-And Willow tells me my singing is distracting.

-Thank you?

-I thought Willow was quite into it, no?

-She likes Sia.

-OK.

-She prefers Sia.

-Oh, kids are cruel, aren't they?

I picked her up from first grade and one of her little friends was like,

# So, raise your glass up... #

Singing to me and Willow rolled her eyes, and she goes,

"That's not even one of the good ones."

-Thank you?

-How old is Willow?

-Six.

Six.

Now, talking of children's favourites, Harry Potter,

the audio books, how many hours of Harry Potter did you have to read?

God, I think it's over 100, isn't it?

Of course, when it started, my agent called me up and said,

"There's this book called Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone."

That's what it is called in England. In America, it's sorcerer.

Obviously, philosophers are a rather frightening idea in America!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-All right, all right.

-Sorry, sorry.

Anyway, it was a book and so I read it,

and there was this boy and apparently he was a wizard

and I met the author who was called Jo Rowling

and she was really nice and we read the book and she said,

"Oh, actually, there's another one, there's a second one, I've written."

And I said, "Good for you!"

Little realising what would happen, but over the years,

this extraordinary phenomenon blossomed and I loved reading them.

Occasionally, people... There was a man who stopped me in the street

not long ago and he pointed, shouted across the street,

"My children go to bed with you!"

Shush!

Please rephrase that!

Now, Carey Mulligan's film is Mudbound.

Now, this film, it's currently available on Netflix,

it's streaming now,

but it has had the most incredible reviews

and there's a lot of awards buzz about it, so whet their appetite.

-What is it about?

-It's about a really interesting period of history

that I didn't know very much about.

So, it's post-Second World War, pre-civil rights.

So, it's about two families living on the same land and two soldiers

coming home from the war, one is white and one is black.

And the battalions were all segregated,

so black soldiers were going over and fighting for their country

but then coming home to a segregated society,

so it is kind of about that, but it's a family drama within that.

-So it's about these two soldiers who become friends.

-In Mississippi,

-is it?

-Mississippi, yeah.

-It's the mud state, isn't it?

-Yeah.

We were filming out in Louisiana, filming outside of New Orleans.

Very hot, very muddy, lots of mosquitoes and extraordinarily,

we had a snake wrangler on set

and his only job was to go around the set

and clear the deadly snakes that were trying to kill us.

So he would go around and sort of pocket these snakes

-and put them in a bucket in the back of his van.

-What kind of snakes?

The very dangerous ones, apparently. I mean, I didn't get to...

-STUMBLING:

-I don't know the species.

Speciesh? I've just taken Day Nurse, sorry!

The species of the snakes, I'm not entirely...

LAUGHTER

Needless to say, they were trying to kill us, and he saved us all.

We've got a little clip. This is you... Basically, things start well,

-and then...

-It is all going great

-and then we move to the mud.

-And things go wrong.

-Things go wrong.

This is you begging your husband not to make a bad situation even worse.

When you told me you were bringing me to this godforsaken place,

I barely said a word. When you informed me

that he was coming to live with us, I went along.

And when our Stokes told you you'd been fleeced by that man

you rented the house from, I kept my mouth shut.

But I'm telling you now, we are not getting rid of that piano.

It's the one civilised thing in this place,

so your father can either sleep in the lean-to

or he can sleep in the bed with you,

because I am not staying here without my piano.

-You know what, you are overtired.

-No, I'm not.

APPLAUSE

And there is a sort of unrecognisable Mary J Blige

-in this film.

-Yeah. She's amazing.

-Again, fabulous reviews.

How hard is it for an actress to get over the fact

that that's Mary J Blige?

Quite hard, initially, yeah.

Because, you know... It's like, you know, I was sitting...

I've just been feeling completely... It may be the Day Nurse,

but I'm sitting here next to these extraordinary people.

It's completely blowing my mind,

but I look at Pink and I'm thinking in my head,

I'm singing Just Like A Pill and I can't stop singing it.

And Elton, I'm like # Tiny Dancer! #

It's quite hard to concentrate on people around me.

So, with Mary, that was going on in my head for the first couple of days

and then she became this character

and then it was just... She was a totally different person.

Because, Pink, I know you wanted to work with Mary J Blige.

I did, she was one of the first people I ever approached.

I walked into her trailer, a long, long, long time ago,

on my first album and said, "Would you work with me?"

and she looked at me and said, "No."

And I was like, "Cool, I love you, I love you so much. Bye!"

But I respected it. I like when people are honest.

Rather than, "Yeah, call me!"

-So, I liked it.

-Elton, you've made a few forays into film.

You were just in a big British hit, Kingsman: The Golden Circle.

Yes, I didn't know what I was kind of letting myself in for,

but I enjoyed it. I didn't think I was going to enjoy it

because I don't like doing music videos.

In fact, I stopped doing them years ago,

because there was a lot of hanging around backstage and I get bored.

But actually, I had incredible fun,

but my scenes were with Colin Firth and Julianne Moore,

so it was pretty fantastic.

And let's not forget, your marvellous work

in one of the most successful British films of all time,

that film is Spice World.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes. There you are.

Doing your cameo. Do you have any memory of that day at all?

It was done at the BBC, that's all.

That's all I can remember.

In the BBC lobby, I think.

I'm pretty sure I was in that film as well.

-Yeah, you were.

-I was, I think, a judge or something.

-Yeah.

-I remember, they were so... The reason I did it,

I don't know if you were the same,

was because I had nephews and nieces,

-and if I hadn't done it, they would have killed me!

-Exactly.

Because I could get their autographs,

that's how huge they were.

There was this period when they were bigger than anything on the planet,

-wasn't there?

-Exactly.

-And I remember,

Victoria Beckham came up... Not Beckham, she wasn't then.

-Victoria whatever she was then.

-Adams.

-Adams, thank you.

-Posh Spice, I think her name was.

-Posh Spice.

And she'd read one of my novels. She said, "You wrote a book

"called The Hippopotamus," and I just fell in love, completely.

I just thought what a brilliant, stylish, clever woman.

Whatever you think, these Spice Girls, no,

they've got something, I think.

And actually, I remember...

-The Prince of Wales...

-She was lying.

It was before Wikipedia, so how would she have looked it up?

But there was the 50th...

There was a special show for the 50th birthday

of the Prince of Wales, Prince Charles. And they were on it

And I was emceeing it or whatever it was, hosting it,

and there was a line-up afterwards.

And, I mean, they didn't care, it was all Girl Power.

The Prince of Wales,

"Hello, wonderful, lovely, thank you so much."

And he got to them and the first thing...

-Emma Bunting?

-Baby Spice. LAUGHTER

She said, "Oh, Sir, Sir, Highness, Sir?

"Do you have a Prince Albert?"

And he said, "Yes, I'm his great-great-grandson, yes."

"No, do you HAVE one?"

He said, "Well, he was the husband of Queen Victoria."

And he looked at me, completely baffled,

and he didn't know what a Prince Albert was.

So I had to say, "Well, Sir, it's an item of intimate jewellery."

"What do you mean, sort of...?" I said, "No, further south."

"Is it called a Prince Albert?" I said, "Yes."

And he was like, "Oh, my heavens!" He had to have a lie down, I think.

I admired their spunk, as it were, to, you know...

That's how an Australian would put it.

-It's an icebreaker?

-Yeah.

-To ask him...

-I think we have a picture of the moment he met them.

-There he is.

-That's me in the background.

Everyone seems very distracted by Geri.

Prince Charles is just pointing at her absentmindedly.

Do you know, he did tell me... I think it's OK to repeat this,

but the Prince of Wales did tell me once

that the best piece of advice his father had ever given him...

He said, "When you're doing a photograph

"and you're doing a line-up and there are women,

"always look only into their eyes.

"Don't for a second let your eyes drop to their chest."

Because that's when the photograph goes off.

And if you look, he's not looking down.

All the rest of us, even us gay boys, are looking at her.

LAUGHTER

He is very smartly...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Now, Stephen Fry has a book. He's got a book out.

-Heavens.

-I know he has.

-Yes.

-Oh, bless you!

-I've got it here. It's called...

-Is it in your cupboard?

-It is in my cupboard.

My capacious cupboard. It's called Mythos.

Now, this is Greek myths retold.

And it is one of those things, when you go through this book,

you realise that actually, we know,

I think people think we don't know these stories, but actually,

when you see all the names, they're all things...

They're deep within the DNA, as it were,

of our culture, aren't they? I mean... Yeah.

I remember when the internet started,

I remember thinking it was the most magnificent thing

that had ever happened in human history.

Even greater than printing,

it would bring us all together

and it reminded me of Pandora, who was...

The gods made this woman,

the first woman and it means "all gifted" in Greek, Pandora,

and they sent her down with this box

and she arrived and she had all the gifts

and she was perfect and everyone fell in love with her,

but she couldn't help but open this box.

And things flew out of the box.

Now, that was the internet. I thought it was perfect,

I thought it was going to break down barriers,

we would all understand each other,

everything would be love and knowledge and tolerance

and a genuine empathy,

all the national barriers would break down, instead of which,

like Pandora's Box, out flew all the ills of the world, you know,

in the case of Pandora, it was starvation and murder

and lies and hatred and intolerance and all these things

flew out and these pests settled in the world.

And that's the terror of the internet, it seemed to happen.

It was going to be so great, and what went wrong?

-It was a Pandora's Box.

-Yeah.

But it's interesting, because all these stories,

-they warn us of all these dangers.

-They do.

-And they're great stories.

-And they all have a moral in the end

and these are such old stories and yet what you're saying

-sort of means we have learned nothing from them.

-Absolutely squid.

-Yeah. Nothing.

-And not to be... Did you know all the stories?

I was obsessed with them as a child,

but obviously I researched them again,

busied myself in looking them up

and they are so great, they are, aren't they? Have you enjoyed them?

I have. Oddly, I studied Greek and Roman civilisation at university.

Did you really?

For a year, because they failed no-one.

LAUGHTER

-And who was your favourite hero?

-Honestly, I did nothing.

I picked my nose and burnt holes in a coffee cup, that was all I did.

Nothing. So this was very good to read.

They were fresh to my mind.

Right, it's time to meet our final guest.

For the last 27 years,

this pop superstar has been part of our lives.

Now he unveils his own life in the new book, Reveal.

Please welcome Mr Robbie Williams! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC: Rock DJ by Robbie Williams

Hello, how are you?

-Lovely to see you.

-Hello, darling, nice to meet you.

-Hello.

-It's you!

-Hi.

-You look very good.

-Thank you.

Hi, babe!

-Hi, everybody!

-CHEERING

-Sit here.

-Where am I sitting?

-Wow!

-Hello!

-I've got a book.

Oh, yes, you do. You do!

That is fascinating. Mine's about farting.

I have to say, we love having you on the show, Robbie Williams.

-Thank you very much.

-You always tell great stories.

But do the people who love you, your friends and family,

are they sitting at home now

sort of terrified of what stories you're going to tell?

Er... Yeah, they are.

And I'd like to apologise to all of my family, my wife,

and all of the celebrities I'm about to slag off!

Well, no, of course, your wife... I think, was your wife...

Was she genuinely was upset after you told the story

about her giving birth?

Yeah, she was genuinely upset, yeah, because I said,

the birth of our first child, Teddy, I said that it...

Because I was in the delivery room

and the head was coming through and it reminded me...

Well, I thought it was like my favourite pub burning down.

But I am delighted to discover that

she's opened an off-licence round the back.

With the second child...

Oh, it's going to be a quiet Christmas in the Williams house!

Now, before we get to the book, I have to say,

you know everyone on the couch,

but have you met Pink in the flesh before?

-We've met before.

-Once, yeah.

Once in Los Angeles and Pink's got a...

We've got a mutual friend

and her mutual friend got hold of me on e-mail

and said Pink wants to talk to you,

is it all right if I give her your e-mail?

And I'm like, "Please do!

"Very excited to find out what Pink wants!"

And then you sent an e-mail back and it was sort of, like,

I'm not making head nor tail of this, I don't understand it at all.

And, er, there was like several e-mails before you were like,

"Wait, are you Robbie the chef?"

LAUGHTER

"No, I'm Robbie the Williams."

-Well, we'd...

-What were you saying to him?

I think I was asking him about salmon!

I don't remember!

And I tried my best to answer.

Yeah. But we laughed.

We did. Now, the book, the book.

Reveal, here it is. By Chris Heath, who obviously spent

an awful lot of time with you and had access to, kind of, your life.

This is so you.

Because a lot of these books can feel a bit guarded,

a bit filtered and this doesn't.

-No, it's not.

-No, it really isn't.

And actually what's really nice is that Chris Heath kind of

puts in the book, you know,

after he'll listen to you and Aida talking, "And I said to them,

" 'Is it OK to put this in the book?' " And you say yes.

I think the problem is that I don't proofread them.

So, if I'd have proofread it,

if I had read it at all, I'd have known,

"Oh, God, they can't know that about me!

"That makes me look an awful person."

But all the awful stuff is in there and hopefully interesting bits

and I hope to make you laugh.

And they are amazing stories, but obviously, they're not...

You're not the only person in the book.

Did you contact other people, for instance, Geri Halliwell,

did you ring her and say, is it OK if I put that story about...?

No, I haven't done that.

LAUGHTER

No, she doesn't come out of it badly, it's just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she doesn't come out of it badly, no.

So, you were dating at the time.

Well, we weren't dating, we were friends and you know...

And, erm... I used to have this flat in Notting Hill

and the window was...

It was quite public, it was quite a public flat,

and I'd be watching the TV and a bus would pull up

and it'd be the top deck and they'd just be like,

watching Robbie Williams watch the television,

every 20 minutes.

And that particular evening,

Geri was around at the flat and I don't know how,

but 20-25 paparazzi were outside and they were letting the flash lights

go off like this trying to get us to come to the window.

And I thought, "I'm going to phone the police

"and see what my rights are. I don't want to bother the police,

"but I'd like to know, cos this is weird."

And the policeman came around and I said,

"I'm really sorry to get you round, mate,

"I don't want to be a hindrance, but I've got all of these paparazzi

"and I just want to know what my rights are."

And the policeman goes, "Can I stop you?"

And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "When you start out in your career,

"that's when you want the press, isn't it?

"But then when the press want something from you,

"you don't like that, do you?" And I'm thinking, "Oh, no...

"Now I've got a policeman in my house,

"and a Geri Halliwell hiding in the cupboard

"right next to the policeman while we're having this conversation."

And I'm like, "I've just got to get him out,"

because I don't want to be told off.

And I'm like, "Yeah, thanks, mate,

"thanks for coming round, you're right, I'm sorry." Doff the cap,

off he went. And I'm like,

"Oh, Geri, we can't do anything about the paparazzi

"and we should get out of here."

And I had the genius idea to put her in a holdall.

She's a very small person.

And I literally put her in this duffle bag

and put her over my shoulder

and, like, the paparazzi are all taking pictures

and I'm like, "Hi, guys..."

She had her car and I put her in the boot of her car.

Right? Which...is funny.

And, er...

When we got to the service station and I had a KFC,

-I could have let her out.

-No!

I could have let her out, but, you know...

..nature called and I had to have that chicken.

So, yeah, that was the moment Geri Halliwell was put in a holdall

in my house. It's in the book.

And there is something about...

You guys have probably done this too, that rock star bad behaviour.

That...

I don't know what it is about rock stars.

Have you ever done the television out the window?

-No.

-Television out the window?

-PINK:

-Oh, no.

-Did you ever think about doing the television

out the window, but you knew it was just a stupid mug's game?

My manager threw a television out the window,

in Australia and then Perth.

And, erm...

Suddenly, my Australian promoter came up, just in a bed sheet,

saying "Darling, it's like Beirut down there!"

Erm...

But, no, I've never...

-I've never done that.

-But the thing about these books is,

they are... Because you are doing one right now, Elton, aren't you?

A book, yeah.

And are you going to be...?

-Yes, I am.

-OK.

-Yeah.

Should people be worried?

Some people, yeah.

It's not a nasty book. But there are...

I mean, I've lived the rock and roll life

-and a lot of things have happened.

-Did you put Leo Sayer in a holdall?

No, but I'd like to have done.

He'd be perfect! Hop in, Leo!

# You make me feel like dancing! #

Carey Mulligan, I doubt you would write an autobiography, would you?

-No, no.

-Cos you don't even tell people what you do for a living.

No, I can't handle the disappointment.

You say you're an actress and they go,

"Oh, wow! What have you been in?"

And then you list off, like, 15 independent films

that had an audience of, about, my mum and...

..my next-door neighbours and they look so crushed

that I just lie and I say, like, I'm studying geography at university.

I told someone I was a documentary film-maker last week.

It was an Uber driver and he told me his favourite film was Saw.

And then he asked me what I did.

And I said I'm making a documentary.

Because I was going to sort of filmy place and it looked like...

So I didn't want to crush him.

You don't really want a driver whose favourite film is Saw!

That's a bit of a worry! Did you have your finger on your phone?

-That was, like, the first thing he said.

-Whoa!

-Yeah.

-That is weird! It was a bit weird.

-That was the opener?

That was his opener, because I was going to a film studio.

He was like, "I love movies, my favourite movie is Saw..."

-And The Human Centipede!

-"What do you do?" Yeah.

Errrr!

Robbie, very quickly, because Pink is about to perform,

can you just quickly tell us the story about being in LA

-and meeting the gangster?

-Yeah.

So, erm... I...

In Los Angeles, before children,

I used to have this house that was just for football.

I had a football pitch in the back.

-This is so rock and roll, I love this.

-I remember that.

-Yeah, you came up.

-A special house for football?

A special house for football.

And then the kids came and that was the end of that.

That was the end of the fun.

So I'm up there one evening playing football

and there's a lot of people up there, a small drive,

somebody's parked on the drive

and my neighbour can't get his car up the drive.

My neighbour is Joe Pesci.

-Oh, yeah.

-There he is.

That's the exact look he gave as he turned into the football pitch

with a nine iron and came at everyone.

"You mother... I'll do this... You mother... Your car..."

And it was absolutely terrifying.

Because, you know, he does that face so well.

And I was absolutely mortified and pretended it wasn't my house.

"I don't know, he's an idiot, the guy that owns the place."

You should have been like Macaulay Culkin

and done all these booby-traps for him.

I didn't think. So I sort of scarper and I get out of there

and the next day, I hastily arrange a sign that says no parking.

And I stick it down so everybody knows,

including Mr Joey Pesci - sorry, mate -

that, you know I was doing something to stop this from happening.

That evening, I went to an Italian restaurant

and the guy came over to me and he went,

"Hey... I really like what you did for Joey."

-Oh!

-So now I'm... Like, I'm socially awkward and socially unaware

and I'm now proper shitting myself.

And I'm watching people as they leave the restaurant,

kind of go up to him and kiss him like this

and, like, 20 people have done it and I don't want to go to the loo.

Because I don't want him to see me again.

I don't want him to know I'm leaving.

I'm thinking, I must go to the loo, I can do it.

So I go to the loo and I'm coming back and as I'm leaving...

..this Italian restaurant... Will you stand up a second?

He's stood on some stairs, this guy,

this gangster dude and I sort of, like,

was so nervous I went over to him and just went...

Kissed his Adam's apple.

-I'm still alive!

-You're still alive!

-Still alive.

-Very good.

OK, it is time for music.

-Pink, if you'd like to go over to your band?

-OK.

CHEERING There she goes!

Performing What About Us

from the new album Beautiful Trauma, it is Pink!

# We are searchlights, we can see in the dark

# We are rockets, pointed up at the stars

# We are billions of beautiful hearts

# And you sold us down the river too far

# What about us?

# What about all the times you said you had the answers?

# What about us?

# What about all the broken happy ever afters?

# What about us?

# What about all the plans that ended in disaster?

# What about love? What about trust?

# What about us?

# We are problems that want to be solved

# We are children that need to be loved

# We were willin', we came when you called

# But man, you fooled us, enough is enough, oh

# What about us?

# What about all the times you said you had the answers?

# What about us?

# What about all the broken happy ever afters?

# Oh, what about us?

# What about all the plans that ended in disaster?

# What about love? What about trust?

# What about us?

# Oh, what about us?

# What about all the plans that ended in disaster?

# Sticks and stones, they may break these bones

# But then I'll be ready, are you ready?

# It's the start of us, waking up, come on

# Are you ready? I'll be ready

# I don't want control, I want to let go

# Are you ready? I'll be ready

# Cos now it's time to let them know

-# We are ready

-What about us?

# What about all the times you said you had the answers?

# So what about us?

# What about all the broken happy ever afters?

# Oh, what about us?

# What about all the plans that ended in disaster?

# Oh, what about love? What about trust?

# What about us?

# What about us? What about us?

# What about us? #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh! Pink, everybody!

Beautiful job!

Nailed it, nailed it!

-Come back and join us. There she is!

-Thanks.

I agree, you've got the pinkest iPhone cover in the world!

Very quickly, Pink, I totally forgot to mention earlier,

you at the AMAs, the American Music Awards,

I don't know if you saw this.

-I became a stuntwoman.

-Yes. CHEERING

So, you were hanging, how many feet?

-That's you in the purple there?

-That's me.

-That little ant.

-How many floors up are you there?

Erm... I don't know how many floors, I was 200 feet.

Wow! We've got a close-up of you. It is really you.

But the best part was the people inside the rooms.

-So it's a hotel?

-Yes.

-And people were in their rooms?

-They were just like... "Hey!"

-And you were singing live?

-Yes, I was.

-What possessed you?

Erm...

-Oh, I don't know, I was terrified.

-Were you? I'm glad you were scared,

because it would be weird if you weren't.

I don't need to do that again.

-No.

-Check!

-Yeah.

-But you have become fond of the aerial...

-I do.

-I love it, it's fun.

-Didn't you have an accident once,

-where you were pulled off stage?

-I did.

-I remember.

-Into a barricade.

-That's right.

-It was the first time I've ever impressed my husband.

Because he's a stunt driver and everything.

He was like, finally, a real crash!

-He shares a name with Carey, doesn't he?

-I know.

-He's a Carey as well.

He got beat up for having that name.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

Well, that's a happy story.

LAUGHTER

No, because everyone said it was a girl's name.

Yeah, it's kind of unisex.

-I think so.

-Cary Grant. Though he didn't have the E.

-Good point, yeah.

We could talk about this a long time, but let's not.

Normally, I feel bad leaving the couch to go to the red chair,

but, no, this is good.

So, let's go for a visit to the Big Red Chair.

Who's there? Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Hamish.

-Hamish.

-Lovely. Where are you from, Hamish?

-Herefordshire.

OK. And do you work in Herefordshire?

No, I'm now living in London. I'm training to be a theatre director.

Oh, right! He's training to be one.

Not one yet.

But soon. Do you graduate?

I graduate this... Well, summer of 2018.

OK. Then he'll be ready.

OK, Hamish, off you go with your story.

So I was on a family holiday at Center Parcs

and we were racing down the rapids that they have there

I saw my dad up ahead of me so I thought to slow him down,

I would kind of stealthily sneak up on him

and pull down his swimming trunks, to slow him down and overtake.

So I did exactly that, snuck up on him,

pulled down his swimming trunks and he turns around

and it's not my dad...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

And I had no idea what to do, I'm staring at him,

so I just slowly start to slide them back up.

-Give him a little pat.

-That's a great story.

You can walk, Hamish, you can walk!

-That was good.

-I wondered who that was!

I rather enjoyed it.

Have we loaded the chair?

-Oh, we have! Hello.

-Oh, no...

-Hello!

-CHEERING

-It's my wife!

-It is. I thought it was.

I believe I know you. It's Aida, isn't it?

It is. Hi, Graham!

-Hi, everybody!

-Is this Aida's revenge?

-It is, Graham, it is!

-It isn't!

Sorry, love!

-Merciless!

-Christmas just got even quieter!

Well done, everyone. If you'd like to join us on the show...

BOOING No, he flipped her! That's it!

LOUDER BOOING If you want to join us on the show

and have a go in the Red Chair...

Look, I don't work for Relate!

All right? If you want a go in the red chair,

you can contact us via our website at this address.

That is it for tonight. Please say a huge thank you to my guests

Pink, Stephen Fry, Carey Mulligan, Robbie Williams...

..and Sir Elton John!

Join me next week with a packed sofa.

We've got pop star Noel Gallagher,

funny ladies Dawn French and Rebel Wilson,

actors Jessica Chastain and Jack Black,

comedian Kevin Hart and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

I'll see you then! Goodnight, everybody, bye-bye!